The tone of accusation Day 875

 There is a point within me that is of accusation. It is how I phrase questions. Behind it is frustration and accusation.  There is also a part of this character that at the same time is able to cut through things and be blunt about what is happening. Somehow, that sharp pattern recognition part of me, continues to hold frustration and spite and blame. As though I fear using that which cuts through patterns and it comes out with this accusatory nature to it. It is something I have worked on for a while, and yet it still rears it head. 

All communication to some extent is an attempt at clarity. Even when it is filled with frustration and blame and spite, and all the other " ugly " emotions.  What is that frustration but a sense of not knowing how to move forward, and a fear of something pushing back. And yet, at the same time, there have been moments in my life when I noticed something and spoke up and suddenly everything stopped. There have been moments when I asked a question and everything stopped. Hence, there is a way to speak and see through questions. And, there is a way to ask questions that tend to ignore and lead to reactions. What is the difference in the quality of the sound within the question being asked? I suppose that is what one has to master, the quality of the sound within the structures one generates as the sound in one's self as one asks a question. 

It is funny how one can work so much on sound while using an instrument and not consider the sound one generates from one's flesh, as one's self. Basically, the two are one and the same. We humans simply don't pay attention to the totality of what we SOUND as our flesh. What is the timing and the timber and the essence of what one sounds from one's flesh, the flesh itself being a resonant totality of what one has allowed to define the self as the flesh. The word " flesh " has the word " self " within it. We are what we allow to resonate from our flesh. And because our bodies are salt and water, what we allow that is unclear, or filled with spite, and frustration, and blame and hate, and of limited structure, is always visible in our every move, as what we allow as input into the flesh is what we become. 

We are the generators of our own mental health. We are responsible for what we allow to be sounded from our flesh. And because no one is able to clear that up, as it has to be cleared up and resolved by the self, no one can clear this up but the self.  Ultimately, everyone wants to participate in being that which is best for all, which means everyone at the root of themselves wants to be of clear sound. 

In understanding this, there is that point of removing pressure, meaning, that point of allowing space to process which happens when one indirectly asks questions, meaning to remove any form of accusation, or fear, because accusation is fear. Using the accusatory is a form of projecting onto an object which is a form of deflection, which requires a projection, as making something separate from the self. That in itself is a state of separation, it is the opposite of problem solving, it is pushing something away, it is not knowing where to go, it is forgetting to connect to the togetherness of all things, that all things are self in another life.  I am able to write this out, and yet in moments I revert to an accusatory stance. This means the things I compose remain an automated system, an automated reaction, which is the presence of fear and the absence of slowing down and standing in the togetherness of all things.  And often, with hindsight I catch myself doing that same accusatory movement that has a point of insightfulness within it. 

I also notice that the more I practice something, the more relaxed within it I become. There is something to walking into the fire and practicing how to direct within that. I have been told more than once that I am somewhat like a Sherman Tank, I just don't stop. Like those stories about a person getting up and moving again, despite all indicators of being unsuccessful. But then again, that in itself is a lie, because when children learn to walk they fall many times. Failure is a part of success. All those screaming that one cant do something are those that have given up. They are in a state of deflecting their own failure into an absolute and projecting that onto others. And that is obvious because success can bring forward jealousy. Jealousy ( I feel lousy ) will smile directly at one, and then when one's back is turned,  criticize. I learned that in music. It is rampant, one has to just let it go. Somehow being silent around something like that neutralizes it.  It is as though there is this mirror effect, where the one spouting their jealousy exposes the jealousy in the absence of reactions to it.  It is a form of not participating in something, stops the growth of that something.  I suppose this happens because one/I became so sick of it, I just watched it one time. What was noticed was how that action of non-reaction allowed that reaction to die, as though it had no network to continue its sounding. lol But then again, practice tends to allow for discovery. This must be known, which is why boxes exist, to contain discovery. Keep the playing field narrow and discovery can't happen.  Boxes also allow for reverberation. Which demands a consistent non-reaction. I ramble. Probably an attempt to convince myself. 

The point of going into the accusatory is the point of forgetting the togetherness of all things. The nuance of accusation is my own indicator of how I focus myself in the moment. And the nature of accusation has a rush to it, hence the solution is to not only sense when my own accepted construct of belief as a resonance rushes me forward into a reaction rather than a sense of the togetherness of all things, is the key to transforming a coming automated  reactive trance-formation within me, that I allowed to be what it is that I generate as the noise within me. 

The moment I am in accusation, even subtle or nuanced, I am already lost. And that may be the key, that I notice when I enter into a moment where I don't know where to go, or there is something to answer to that I have only ever answered to. Where my own automated programing kicks in and becomes the master of me rather than me being in respect of life and sounding that which beings balance, peace, stability and harmony to the living space in the moment.  There is always this internal movement of constriction as one gears up inwardly as reaction. Such a movement, is sensible, meaning the flesh senses something and moves as what one has allowed to define the flesh/self as a directive. This is able to be changed because it was built, by the self, allowed by the self.  Being mindful demands sensibility.

What is it to practice but to sense when I react. To sense when I " dont know where to go " ? and by default use that same allowed repeated practice to be noted and then to stop, to stop the automated response, from practice. It means to change direction.  It is like being in fear of taking a step forward. It is a fear of self responsibility, a fear of what may come should one direct. It is a fear of jealousy.  The whole " what if " scenario.  We weave fabrics within ourselves and yet a fabric is changeable. Creation itself is changeable otherwise it would not be creation itself. lol

The first step within this is to recognize when I move into this, when I react rather than direct. And that requires living practice, so it appears as though I am going out to punish myself, when it is really just learning to recognize my own nuanced automated allowances. To bring this forward into being defined and then directed into something new, something that considers all things in every breadth, or to embrace what is here in totality.

It means to not take things personally, and as that to both embrace and phrase in a way that allows one to process without the pressure of performing. Like creating a safe space that is of balance as the very grace of creation itself, as that is the nature of the togetherness of all things. Even I can sense the change of tone within myself. 

The best way I know how to say and do this is to remember to be indirect, to remember to stop a spiraled dagger to build within me, inter-dimensionally. That part we all see but have mastered a practice of non-seeing around. It is all a thing after all, and it is visible if one slows down enough. Better to have realized this than to have an event that forces one to stop everything and as that suddenly see the difference.  Being a projection is very different than being in sync with the togetherness of all things, as one is wisdom and the other is bitterness.  And within that, the real expression of life is of great wonder, as there are so many amazing " insightfulness " abilities in the humans. Like seeing subtle aspects of ability that I have never thought possible. It is somewhat like discovery. But that is probably ironic, because it is all about having ignored what is in plain sight. Rather an uncovering than a discovery. 

It is to notice when I generate a shield of protection to hide my own ignorance. When that revs up, as a reaction. It has that constrictive quality to it. It is myself actively rejecting life. 

There is a way to ask questions, that open things up, even within triggering reactions. Often, the indirect asking of questions opens the space and removes the constriction of and as protection. And that requires certainty and the absence of fear. It means being fearless. This is something I will have to practice. When I start repeating myself I am in essence attempting to define something that has yet to be clearly defined. 

To be continued. 

Learning to Stand and Direct Day 874

 There are seemingly do many things to direct, as what an internal road map of associations as relationships made between fractionalized bits of information - most probably from so much compartmentalization.  After all, what is placing a child in a box to memorize a text book do to the focus of said child? 

I am overwhelmed and as such go into fear which is uncertainty and doubt. It appears too much, and yet often with hindsight I suddenly realize that directive stories and questionings have similarities and a simplicity to them. it is like learning to drive, at first it is slow and appears too much, but slowly and steadily one is able to cross reference the physical check points or "things to be aware of" and a fluidity happens and one is able to cross reference the space and process all the moving parts. 

It is like organizing and cleaning up a house, getting everything in order, and finding the most harmonious structures that allow movement and accomplishment.  Why hold a belief that one system is more or less than another? And why have an internal running idea that one is supposed to be perfect? These things are distraction. 

When I stall and hesitate I am denying what is natural, an ability to recognize patterns and see form and function, be it an internal shadowy road map of spiraling symbols where the focus of the being is on having everyone validate their internal road map, or if it is learning to cross reference the physical road and all the movement on said road.  Both are one being focused on something. One is at the expense of being present in the living space of this reality, of the flesh ( the thing we appear to be most directed from!) . 

It is about catching back up to the grace of an absolute purpose where one remembers the interconnectedness of all things, and that which distracts one from that natural state, as that is the nature of creation and the nature of life. It has to be otherwise life ceases to exist. 

I continue to find myself in doom and gloom imaginings, while at the same time catching myself with greater immediacy. I stop, I breath, and I slow myself down. It is like standing in a spiral, of good and evil, of emotional lags, and coming back down to all things, or the togetherness of all things as that which is of greater stability, or constancy, or directiveness. It is always here. 

The internal distractions are of energy, and act in wavelike forms, pulsing. This is no real match for one slowing down to step out of the shadow storm of less manifested movements.  Why is the term existent as the " waves of time" ? At least in this moment, I cant think of another term for time. In our words we expose what is happening. Time exists as waves, creation exists as a constancy of purpose. One is grace and the other is friction. Noticing patterns of energy is like noticing waves of friction, and they appear slippery, changeable, but is not the root cause the same? And it is a fear. And fear is what I would call infantile. 

infantile = antilife

This is a part of the distraction, to have a word come up that has the answer built into it. Fear is infantile, and yes, fear is antilife. 

Just like listening to music, like listening to a math, what is antilife is fear, and it has a wave-like quality to it, which is something different than directiveness and the togetherness of all things. 

This morning the waves in my chest Day 873

I have to go and pick up a car that has been at the mechanics for more than two weeks. There is this nervousness and some back chat. I can feel this swirling energy in my chest. It has dimension and form, it is a thing. It is of worry and silly fear of what others may think. Behind it is another fear, a fear of survival, the waves of information, polarized, swirl in my chest. 

At this point I know to stand with it and take it apart and let it go. I also know that the busy-ness of the internal chatter hides root points. It is a form of deflection and distraction.  

Having been in many homes and watching children practice words, I notice patterns. The patterns are usually slightly different. I also remember playing so much music, one could sense how a person practiced a piece just by hearing how they were working the math of the music. As well, having performed as much as I have, one notices the degree to which a person has control of their fears and/or how much of a directive will they have within being able to focus. And that ability to focus has varying degrees. How changeable is one? 

Children are often able to recall things, some sooner, some later. They often are quicker than their parents. It is this same thing I experience this morning. It is as though there is something in the way of them processing  because of what is within them, what is around them, and what it is that they experienced the moment before. There is  a gap, something in the way, something that inhibits a natural ability to learn, a natural ability to be present with ease, to remember, to move through, to notice what is in the way.  

As one practices realizing that same movement within that inhibits, it has patterns, one is more able to sense the timelines of a " novel" built behind our words, and as that move backwards and uncover that which blocks a natural ability to be able to remember the togetherness of all things. That place where one senses a beauty and balance and peace. That is our real heritage as life itself. This " cloud," this ghost in our machine is our separation, our limitation, our stagnation.  It is visible and it is able to be cleared up so that we recall that past moment in an instant and process what existed. That state lacks a heaviness. 

Becoming more aware of this has also opened up what I call a sense of nostalgia.  Most probably because I have experienced the aging process of both my parents, and that I am aging.  It is of sadness, regret, and yet at the same time, there appears to be this tiny sense of joy, a sense that " everything is going to be alright." The first time I experienced that was in either 1998 or 1999. I was walking down the street in Zurich when suddenly time stopped, and seemingly far far away, at the edges of something I was in, the bubble popped and the words came, " everything is going to be alright." The way forward is known, has been discovered, and that is to realize the ghost in our flesh that is thwarting a natural ability to sense the togetherness of all things, a wisdom that is what being in a state of knowing the togetherness of all things is about.  Within this there is an opening to sense the patterns of behavior that exist within us. We are capable to understanding things. Confusion is when something makes no sense. Reactions to confusion are when the twists and turns of emotional feeling reactions are stuck in internal times lines that are a novel of all that we have allowed to suppress a natural ability to process and understand. 

Slowing way way down one can hear the difference.  It has always been there in plain sight.  And so I walk, and I speak up, and I share. I describe the difference in the internal movements and what a more grounded awareness looks like.  One is weighted and one is fluid.  One has an excited agitated friction-like  quality to it and the other realizes that nothing can ever be taken away. 

Energy has a wave-like form to it. Awareness moves with a quality of an absolute purpose. There is a big difference. An absolute purpose has patience and steadiness. It is like when one senses the qualities of what is here. More like what one is, and that in itself is the guide. 

A subtle tension in my jaw. Day 872

 I was chatting with others when suddenly a construct, an internal " form" appeared, or was uncovered within me.

I have had a sense of movement or " heat" in my thighs and a subtle tension between my shoulder blades. For the past few days I have been more aware of this movement, but have been unable to define it, to pin point it and to name it. Some self forgiveness around older points have helped but it appears to remain in some form of suspension, as though it hovers in the flesh.

I watch my reactions when interacting with others. 

I notice moments of calm and directiveness. I am also more aware of what I exist as, as a focus. I notice when I am unaware of the world around me, and that sense of the togetherness of all things. 

I am also aware of a deep fear of the mind itself, which manifests as a fear of confrontation, a fear of being exposed and a sense of being overwhelmed within communicating all of this to others, even casual meetings with the world around me, as the greater society around me. 

What supports me is to remember that internal constructs of the focus of many, including myself, and that this is able to be directed in ways that consider all things, that realize the interconnectedness of all things. It is all like a piece of music with alternating themes that are sometimes of a counter point that appears unreadable, but at the end of the day, it is all readable, as we are the stuff of creation itself. That which is covered in layers of ideas, beliefs and opinions, that distract one from a sense of the commons that is the physical flesh. What is scattered thin-king? What is industrialization but compartmentalizing focus leading to fractionalized systems lacking all connection to one another in awareness. Would that not generate resonant bubbles of limited values? Would that not lead to disease as the internal road maps are separation from the rhythm of the flesh itself, that means of our expression as life? 

This tension in my jaw has to do with communication. It is a constriction as a fear of being able to communicate. It is a belief that doing the math is impossible. And yet the time lines of separation are a construct and have patterns and sequences that are recognizable, and the means to walk through such geometric fabrics is doable. And the principle of balance, stability, equilibrium are here in plain sight. Like a sense of absolute purpose. One might see such a thing in a carpenter bee, for example. A soundness of absolute purpose, seemingly fundamental and yet of a focus that is clear and incredibly directive overall. Does " soundness" have a stable quality that is at the same time the most gentle of things?

 Appears to be a contradiction, from a mind consciousness perspective probably so.  And yet, once again,  there is a point where a focus happens that is of one seeing one's own constructions directing one's behaviors. In such moments a person is in reflection rather than in reaction. Does one master moving into this " stance" ? Is one able to recognize it and pull on the strings in such a way that this state of focus is the movement in a moment? If one is able to do something once, one is able to do it again. My motto from experience. 

The tools are here and are able to be practiced. The depths of separation are able to be walked, able to be discerned and directed, self discovered and realigned to restore a sense of the togetherness of all things. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing the depths of my own separation from being in a consideration of all things.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear a construct of separation, a construct of limitation, a construct of rejection of who and what and where and how and why we are here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to run away from a shadow of directives building within me, that I realize are building within me, and that I attempt to run away from, not seeing realizing and understanding that such things are able to be deconstructed and aligned with the togetherness of all things, as that sense of a wisdom of the togetherness of all things that is here in plain sight and is that which is creation itself. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear a mind consciousness system, which is a state of separation from life itself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that the time-lines of inflamed values as protections and justifications for a state of separation are able to be deconstructed and directed into realizing the togetherness of all things that is creation that is here all around me as life itself. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that something is impossible.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize the practical and simple application of and as letting go of hiding from who and what I am and that within that it is possible to deconstruct that which separates and divides and confuses, to restore being aligned within the realization of the interconnectedness of all things as life as the physical as this earth here. 

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that nothing is able to define me but what I accept and allow.

I commit myself to slowing myself down and realizing I have the tools to walk facing constructs of separation, where such a movement is really about allowing self reflection to deconstruct that which separates one from realizing a knowingness of the togetherness of all things. 

I commit myself to allowing joy, as allowing a full expression of and as always directing in ways that allow a self discovery of the time-lines that suppress a natural ability to remember the interconnected ness, or the togetherness of all things, as this is in plain sight. 

When and as I find myself tensing within my jaw area, or constricting within my flesh, I stop and I breath and I realize the power of asking questions and telling stories to allow a sense of reflection that in turn allows a moment to self reflect and walk through a veil of spiraling symbols generating a time-line of deflection from allowing the self to realize a movement that discovers and directs awareness of self as life here. 

When and as I find myself tensing up, within my flesh, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself way way down, and I ground myself within the realization that what is here is myself in another life, and as that realize the tools of and as self forgiveness, and self correction within and as opening a sense of pattern recognition where one is able to sense an absence of embracing a natural ability to live self responsibility as life itself.

When and as I find myself in a projection as a time-line of belief, I stop and I breath, as the time line is of and as a sense that moving through limitation and the reactions of deflection into blame and spite as simply a state of separation from a loss of self as life overall, as the absence of realizing the soundness of the togetherness of all things. 

Separation from the togetherness of all things, or wisdom. Day 871

What is imagination, and why is it so valued in today’s society? We abstract as pictures in our minds, our flesh, and somehow that is supposed to be a good thing. But then can it become a distraction in itself and what are we programming into our flesh as such imaginations and abstractions about things?  After all, we become what we practice. Can it become so utilized that we no longer sense the wisdom of the togetherness of all things? What good is imagining something if we forget the togetherness of all things as creation itself? 

I find from my childhood the stories I read and was read to, have tended to influence my seeing, meaning that I look for the stories in the world around me as though they have some form of value, which is an interruption from seeing what is that which creates as that togetherness of all things, which I would call real wisdom.  How can I know that if I am imagining some ideal about how things should move, to end up forgetting how things move for real?  Imagining is of pictures, while the togetherness of all things, the wisdom of things being in sync are of much greater fulfillment. One is like real food and the other a product that leaves one feeling empty and lost. 

The real question is as to how one steps from being too much imagination and at the same time sharing the difference with others.  Does one have to use abstract stories about things, to show the loss of remembering the togetherness of all things?  It would mean patience and a great steadiness, one so stable there would be no question as to the difference. It is, at the end of the day all about focus. A projection is a flimsy thing, composed of spiraling symbols that generate a cross current in the chest, like that cross that is the cross of religion. A superimposed grid that spirals and has no real sustenance. What does it mean to master the focus of what one allows in the space that is here as what it is that we are in fact as physical life. And why are we so separated from the physical, so many systems separating us from the physical as public schooling and religious worship, all boxed systems with false lighting. I remember after the death of my husband I forgot to use my car lights at night on the roads. I was stopped by police twice to be told I didn’t have my car headlights on. I don’t remember needing them, I could see everything fine. I didn’t notice the difference. I have always asked myself that question as to how I did not notice that I didn’t have on my car headlights and yet could see everything as though the headlights were on. I had to reprogram myself to remember to turn on the headlights when day turned into night. But I remember seeing without them.  Is this how far imagination is able to distract us from a natural ability to see? And how many other supposedly “ modern” products and things do we use that we don’t need? And how much of our freely given resources would we save? 

It is that the pollution of thinking, the thin-king of belief has to be removed, and our focus, rather than being on spiraling images in a projection, has to come back down to earth, to life. The consequences of a loss of seeing here, are destructive. At the end of the day, the only way to fulfillment is to re-member the wisdom of the togetherness of all things.