There is a point within me that is of accusation. It is how I phrase questions. Behind it is frustration and accusation. There is also a part of this character that at the same time is able to cut through things and be blunt about what is happening. Somehow, that sharp pattern recognition part of me, continues to hold frustration and spite and blame. As though I fear using that which cuts through patterns and it comes out with this accusatory nature to it. It is something I have worked on for a while, and yet it still rears it head.
All communication to some extent is an attempt at clarity. Even when it is filled with frustration and blame and spite, and all the other " ugly " emotions. What is that frustration but a sense of not knowing how to move forward, and a fear of something pushing back. And yet, at the same time, there have been moments in my life when I noticed something and spoke up and suddenly everything stopped. There have been moments when I asked a question and everything stopped. Hence, there is a way to speak and see through questions. And, there is a way to ask questions that tend to ignore and lead to reactions. What is the difference in the quality of the sound within the question being asked? I suppose that is what one has to master, the quality of the sound within the structures one generates as the sound in one's self as one asks a question.
It is funny how one can work so much on sound while using an instrument and not consider the sound one generates from one's flesh, as one's self. Basically, the two are one and the same. We humans simply don't pay attention to the totality of what we SOUND as our flesh. What is the timing and the timber and the essence of what one sounds from one's flesh, the flesh itself being a resonant totality of what one has allowed to define the self as the flesh. The word " flesh " has the word " self " within it. We are what we allow to resonate from our flesh. And because our bodies are salt and water, what we allow that is unclear, or filled with spite, and frustration, and blame and hate, and of limited structure, is always visible in our every move, as what we allow as input into the flesh is what we become.
We are the generators of our own mental health. We are responsible for what we allow to be sounded from our flesh. And because no one is able to clear that up, as it has to be cleared up and resolved by the self, no one can clear this up but the self. Ultimately, everyone wants to participate in being that which is best for all, which means everyone at the root of themselves wants to be of clear sound.
In understanding this, there is that point of removing pressure, meaning, that point of allowing space to process which happens when one indirectly asks questions, meaning to remove any form of accusation, or fear, because accusation is fear. Using the accusatory is a form of projecting onto an object which is a form of deflection, which requires a projection, as making something separate from the self. That in itself is a state of separation, it is the opposite of problem solving, it is pushing something away, it is not knowing where to go, it is forgetting to connect to the togetherness of all things, that all things are self in another life. I am able to write this out, and yet in moments I revert to an accusatory stance. This means the things I compose remain an automated system, an automated reaction, which is the presence of fear and the absence of slowing down and standing in the togetherness of all things. And often, with hindsight I catch myself doing that same accusatory movement that has a point of insightfulness within it.
I also notice that the more I practice something, the more relaxed within it I become. There is something to walking into the fire and practicing how to direct within that. I have been told more than once that I am somewhat like a Sherman Tank, I just don't stop. Like those stories about a person getting up and moving again, despite all indicators of being unsuccessful. But then again, that in itself is a lie, because when children learn to walk they fall many times. Failure is a part of success. All those screaming that one cant do something are those that have given up. They are in a state of deflecting their own failure into an absolute and projecting that onto others. And that is obvious because success can bring forward jealousy. Jealousy ( I feel lousy ) will smile directly at one, and then when one's back is turned, criticize. I learned that in music. It is rampant, one has to just let it go. Somehow being silent around something like that neutralizes it. It is as though there is this mirror effect, where the one spouting their jealousy exposes the jealousy in the absence of reactions to it. It is a form of not participating in something, stops the growth of that something. I suppose this happens because one/I became so sick of it, I just watched it one time. What was noticed was how that action of non-reaction allowed that reaction to die, as though it had no network to continue its sounding. lol But then again, practice tends to allow for discovery. This must be known, which is why boxes exist, to contain discovery. Keep the playing field narrow and discovery can't happen. Boxes also allow for reverberation. Which demands a consistent non-reaction. I ramble. Probably an attempt to convince myself.
The point of going into the accusatory is the point of forgetting the togetherness of all things. The nuance of accusation is my own indicator of how I focus myself in the moment. And the nature of accusation has a rush to it, hence the solution is to not only sense when my own accepted construct of belief as a resonance rushes me forward into a reaction rather than a sense of the togetherness of all things, is the key to transforming a coming automated reactive trance-formation within me, that I allowed to be what it is that I generate as the noise within me.
The moment I am in accusation, even subtle or nuanced, I am already lost. And that may be the key, that I notice when I enter into a moment where I don't know where to go, or there is something to answer to that I have only ever answered to. Where my own automated programing kicks in and becomes the master of me rather than me being in respect of life and sounding that which beings balance, peace, stability and harmony to the living space in the moment. There is always this internal movement of constriction as one gears up inwardly as reaction. Such a movement, is sensible, meaning the flesh senses something and moves as what one has allowed to define the flesh/self as a directive. This is able to be changed because it was built, by the self, allowed by the self. Being mindful demands sensibility.
What is it to practice but to sense when I react. To sense when I " dont know where to go " ? and by default use that same allowed repeated practice to be noted and then to stop, to stop the automated response, from practice. It means to change direction. It is like being in fear of taking a step forward. It is a fear of self responsibility, a fear of what may come should one direct. It is a fear of jealousy. The whole " what if " scenario. We weave fabrics within ourselves and yet a fabric is changeable. Creation itself is changeable otherwise it would not be creation itself. lol
The first step within this is to recognize when I move into this, when I react rather than direct. And that requires living practice, so it appears as though I am going out to punish myself, when it is really just learning to recognize my own nuanced automated allowances. To bring this forward into being defined and then directed into something new, something that considers all things in every breadth, or to embrace what is here in totality.
It means to not take things personally, and as that to both embrace and phrase in a way that allows one to process without the pressure of performing. Like creating a safe space that is of balance as the very grace of creation itself, as that is the nature of the togetherness of all things. Even I can sense the change of tone within myself.
The best way I know how to say and do this is to remember to be indirect, to remember to stop a spiraled dagger to build within me, inter-dimensionally. That part we all see but have mastered a practice of non-seeing around. It is all a thing after all, and it is visible if one slows down enough. Better to have realized this than to have an event that forces one to stop everything and as that suddenly see the difference. Being a projection is very different than being in sync with the togetherness of all things, as one is wisdom and the other is bitterness. And within that, the real expression of life is of great wonder, as there are so many amazing " insightfulness " abilities in the humans. Like seeing subtle aspects of ability that I have never thought possible. It is somewhat like discovery. But that is probably ironic, because it is all about having ignored what is in plain sight. Rather an uncovering than a discovery.
It is to notice when I generate a shield of protection to hide my own ignorance. When that revs up, as a reaction. It has that constrictive quality to it. It is myself actively rejecting life.
There is a way to ask questions, that open things up, even within triggering reactions. Often, the indirect asking of questions opens the space and removes the constriction of and as protection. And that requires certainty and the absence of fear. It means being fearless. This is something I will have to practice. When I start repeating myself I am in essence attempting to define something that has yet to be clearly defined.
To be continued.
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