Day 466 Self Forgiveness on Reaction to " I'm too busy."

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my inner world as mind, as the conscious, the subconscious and the unconscious to be greater than the physical world without.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from here, into and as ideas of blame and spite, as thoughts of “ if another person tells me they are too busy” or “ I have too many problems in my life at this moment”  I am going to “ bite their head off - so to speak as a reaction within myself as a thought, as I said.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be this reaction in righteousness, as pushing away the reactive “ I don’ t want to look, and my inner world as my emotions, thoughts and feelings justifying my state of being that in total is in separation from common sense of the physical as a whole and what has been accepted and allowed, as an inner world being more than life, an idea of self being more than life, this in itself a judgement of being more and thus an action that is not in equality to what is real, as the physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into protection and self defense within this, as righteousness, which is an action of a fear of loss, based on an inner idea of myself as a survival mechanism that is in separation from common sense of the physical world right here, of being equal to and as what is real, as the physical and within this to realize that the only solution is equality to physical reality, where all life is valued and taken care of within and as what does no harm, realizing that I am equal to all life, and that this physical is what allows me as life to exist.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry towards self limitation, which is myself becoming as the other, standing within arguing my own limitations.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to win something, as in existing within a limited framework as having a goal of wanting a successful outcome, instead of realizing that the only solution is to walk existing consequences into the solution of what is best for all, which is becoming aware of what has been accepted and allowed within allowing an inner world, as character and personality  built of belief, opinion and idea, being more than the outer world on which this inner state of being cannot exist without, which is the physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand my past where I encountered self interest before life, and allowed myself to become reactive and spiteful instead of standing within the principle of what is best for all, and letting go of justification within and without, and within this to realize that self interest without common sense is not all that exists as there are those who are responsible, thus for me to hold onto instances where others abdicated their self responsibility and touted ideologies through projecting blame directly or indirectly onto objects as “ work”, being “ busy”,  being in a “ difficult situation” or using some dimension of belief as in “ I am not responsible for your son” moving and shifting dimension to justify their actions, as reacting to such within myself is the same action as I push blame onto the action as the self justification instead of realizing the movement within “ free will” dimensional use of reality to validate actions of self all of which is in total the state of each human within a conscious, subconscious and unconscious construct as an inner state of being that is a blueprint of limited values based on ideas, opinions and beliefs that are not self in consideration, of the whole, as the physical world, thus not self in equality to here, to the physical, to that which is the source that creates a memory of limited belief, constructed in the first seven years, as the starting point of self was taught to follow limited parts as ideas made huge instead of learning to move equal and one with common sense and realizing that the mind accumulated experiences within a system already divided from common sense, and thus a lack of common sense was what was taught, and the solution is to realign self into common sense as physical existence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be reactive within this, as I have been doing this for so long it is automated, and thus I allow myself to get caught up within this, and separate myself from my own common sense. as this is where solutions are found to the physical consequences that all must walk using the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that i must rush this, that i am not doing enough, and that allowing myself to exist as this, is a separation and thus it is to slow down and to breath, and to place myself here within practical existence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to turn this into a burden, and then allow myself to become anxious within this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want immediate gains, not seeing realizing and understanding that allowing immediacy is moving into limited associations and thus myself in separation from here, and so I slow myself down and I breath.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see and forgive my past in the emotional reactive storm I accept and allow as reaction.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that based on my past, I fear losing something as another touts their emotions as being bigger than life, than common sense, as the emotions are made more valid than common sense, and within this that i will have to sit and listen to such emotions, and patiently wait until the person had touted them, where i felt that i had no say for or against them, they were stated as fact and moving against them caused more problems as a child than it was worth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I have done the same, touted my beliefs, opinions and ideas, to self validate, in separation from common sense with and as the physical world as what I am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become anxious when someone begins to tout their emotions, as happened with another woman, where I dreaded having to listen, and as this woman was willing to talk, I breathed and slowed myself down,  and became more “ still” within myself and listened, and where I could, I directed within what would direct and still the uncertainty.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  not see realize and understand that I am no longer a child, and can stand here, equalizing the within to the without in common sense of how we work as memory as mind, a construct of the accumulation of experiences which is not necessarily bad, but when not clear and composed of limited insight as limited dimension aggrandizement in self interest, then played within a game of association to justify a state of being within, what is created is a separation from that which such inner state of being is built, and allowing that inner state of being to become bigger than reality causing separation, and the forcing of this inner state of being, this which creates the character of behavior without, is a crime against life because it is limited and thus not equal to that which it is built from, and thus what is lost is the common sense use of self, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that what is needed is to face the storm of separation, and to take back common sense, which is to take back the joy of being life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that game of smoke and mirrors of  values as parts of existence, as dimensions of existence made huge and turned into an inner map are a picture show of limited values in separation from common sense, and thus insubstantial, and thus, walking through this is walking through the valley of the shadow of death, thus this inner map as a storm in a teacup is a valley imposed on the physical that is a valley of shadows composed of beliefs opinions and ideas in separation from physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to just go and hide in quiet to not face this smoke and mirrors show of self pity and justification, that can manifest as bullying when an inner belief is not understood as being accepted as what is real by another. and within this to relate this to the world without as what is happening is that our representatives as out government and agencies are answering to the voice of profit as corporations that follow the law of profit, and because they fear losing their jobs, even when they as parts as some of the people in the bureaucracies realize the abuse to this earth in self interest being allowed cannot stand and disallow this, as what must change, is how money flows through the system, as giving what is needed to “ calm” humans through financial support within being given directly enough money to speak - so to speak- with their money, in support of what is discovered on the ground and locally as a collective, within choosing what is efficient, and sustainable, what works within what causes no harm,  thus those that are in positions where the extreme exists, as in having more money than another, and using this “ more money” to buy the voice of the media, and the choices made by government agencies, are not going to give up their habits as belief that they are justified in having more, as they have built an inner map as memory as experience, as belief of themselves as being job creators, and thus “ more than”s” which is the same we have all accepted and allowed, just a different “ song and dance” as a story yet still in separation from common sense, and thus, the collective must stand and place in a from as a structure that allows each to help themselves and this is giving money to the many hands of men, who are the products of generations of men who have built and with their hands created the values we have ( and the abuses) from freely given resources.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that just as in learning music, where I realized there was vast amounts of space between the notes, so too, is this here, as the substance of life, vast, so much space to move with and as, within and without, that i need not fear the  emotional storm, and this space is within and as myself as common sense as breath here.

I commit myself to slow myself down and to breath, to suspend belief, as in place it in front of me, realizing it is shadow, and to direct within and as what is best for all here, and as such to  use breath to unknot the limitation and bring it back into and as what is best for all, looking at the sequences that create the con, that is the separation from being equal and one to and as the physical here.

I commit myself to, when and as I find myself reacting \ to words of another, to stop and to breath, and to  walk with the physical world in practically standing as what is best for all as the physical.

I commit myself to see that arguing for limitations is arguing through association within a good and a bad, and not directing within what is best for all, as looking here at how the mind is formed and used and the physical reality can function in ways that are best for all, and as this cannot serve the interests of profit before life, as this cannot work and is not working, which we need only look at the news on the internet, a tool to see the world and understand in totality what we have as a collective accepted and allowed, and find ways to change what by design is not supporting and respecting this life in earth, this that we cannot live without.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding how I have taken things personally, and thus in self interest and actually been the creator of my own separation and my own pain, and my own sense of change being impossible, so, I stop and I breath when and as i find myself taking things personally,  in and  as behaviors of wanting to spite another,  or dread having to listen to another.

I commit myself to slowing myself down and breathing, to remaining here, to see realize and understand that I can only walk one point at a time, to see that the smoke and mirrors show is of smoke and mirrors mixing and matching dimension and using association within such to create a picture show in self interest, all of which is a separation from life here, a storm in a teacup that bears no witness to life.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that this pattern of association is causing a disassociation from common sense, and thus is abusing life on earth, thus it is to realize that the only choice is what is best for all here as taking care of the physical world through only doing that which causing no harm absolutely to physical reality.

I commit myself to  directing within and as what directs into a win-win situation as the response being, yes, I want what is best for all, what is best for myself what is best for the children and as such earth.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that scare tactics as the voice of doom and gloom can be corrected into and as what is best for all, as solution, as the realization that I am equal and one to and as life as the physical world here.

Day 465 Reaction to " I"m too busy."

I talked with numerous people the other night, but towards the end one woman looked at me and said “ I have so many problems in my life at the moment, do you have a card” and I stiffened right up. I could feel myself wanting to get angry,  so I just let it go, and remained within the “ script” so to speak. It really was too late, because I was angry within myself.

I realize that the reaction of this person, was not what I expected, She had listened to my presentation and the response she gave me was total rejection of what i had said. Or so I took it.

My anger was the thwarting of my own expectation, be it hero desire, a loss as a reaction of wanting to win, or embarrassment. I realize also, that  there is a family  trait where for another to tell their sob story, it is considered disrespectful, and I could see that within me, I reacted to this. This use of a person coming out with all their problems.

I also had this this week with a member of a group I am in who has not been responsible in her tasks. I finally had to call her a couple of times, the second time she texted back to me that she was busy at work  on Monday and that she was sorry she had not been responsible. I thought, well, what about the previous two days from the last call? So, I am having a hard time with this, reacting to this in others: using problems in their lives to avoid being responsible or making decisions. 

So now all these memories come up.

I won’t go into detail here because I do not want to name names, but suffice it to say that, and I am sure we have all experienced this, at work and at home, with siblings, etc. where emotions are used to evoke pity and get off the hook from being responsible. Within this group I run, I have encountered all number of excuses.  It happens all the time.

For instance, I changed a drop off day, added another day for one person, and two months later she was upset because the boxes were not out for her, so I said to her, just leave your stuff there, it is only one. And she said, “ Oh, does no one else come on this day” and I said , no you requested it. She looked at me and said,  “ I am not the only one that wants this!” I just looked at her. Thinking that somehow she was seriously disconnected from reality because she had asked for this because she was so busy with work that she could not come on the drop off day. 

A couple of times such things happened when my two sons were in grade school sports. I had arranged for them to get a ride from practice with another parent. As parents, sometimes one would drive the children home, taking turns to avoid driving because where I live things are spread out. Well, one time I drove this boy home and the next day the parent had said they would bring the boys home. Well, the next day, my son called and asked where I was. When I called the parent, they said to me, “ I am not responsible for your son.” I was shocked, because we had made these arrangements the day before, and I had learned to be careful and repeat the plans being made to clarify. These things do not happen all the time, but they did every once in a while, so I had to never assume that what was planned would actually happen, even when plans made would more than likely happen as planned.

Even when my children were really small, often, other woman would cancel at the last minute, I just simply learned to expect it, and this may be because the children were small. Yet, some women did this all the time and others not. Just like with this group I run. Some are responsible, but others come with stories of emotional duress and if i say one thing about a pattern, they tend to respond with a reaction that i am insensitive in some way. So, I have learned to “ not go there” because it is not worth the reaction.

Working in schools, there are parents like this, and the teachers and administrators tend to try and avoid such people who tend towards this kind of behavior all the time. 

So, when this woman said to me after my presentation, I noticed a reaction of anger. To me , this behavior is like a no win situation because an emotion has been expressed, one of duress, and such is simply a justification to not be responsible. And I allowed myself to be the same, because in a reaction of anger, because  feared this emotion being a value I had to accept, which I resisted and became indignant towards. Which is spite, really.  

Lately, I have had this thought coming up of “ If another person tells me they are busy and have too many problems in their life, I am going to scream.” And I realize that I am so tired of hearing this, that I have even had the thought to ask them “ oh, I am sorry to hear that ( feeling a desire to bite their head off!) ,  I hope you find a solution to your difficulty” and meanwhile hoping that this pulls them in to cry their grief. What I then find myself thinking is how I can take their “ grief” and use it to show how ridiculous they are. Like a planned revenge for using their “ woe” to not take any direction in being responsible. But this is just not something that builds relationships within our world that lead to an understanding of what we do within realizing ourselves. I am actually afraid of this emotional touting, even when it is a supposed “ positive” statement, because I fear if I do not stand by it I will be criticized, and there are those who just speak of the difficulty, the consequence, without wanting to move beyond it, and simply do not want to hear, anything that disrupts this. This is the point where I get angry. In many ways, I have to learn to say in so many words, here is the water, drink it/ take it in/ become equal to it and not blame myself when an attempt is made by myself to clarify the fear is rejected .The principle of what is best for all which is like bringing a storm in a teacup to the very substance that is it instead of the fury as idea that causes the storm that is , as idea, made bigger than the substance as the water holding the  fury that is exciting the water - forming it, separating it from its self awareness, as the still waters from which the water in the teacup came.

I realize that I had said to this woman, during my presentation, that as adults we realize that we made decisions in our youth that we later realize were not what was best for us, and that this was based on ideas we had as values around our words. So, when this woman said that she was having too many difficulties at the moment, I could have said that yes, the consequences of our actions eventually catch up to us, because we do not have a big enough understanding  of our selves and how we are formed.

This is something that could be said, in understanding, without anger. If I have any anger, it will be hard, but if I say this and mean it, absolutely, as in being directive within the simple realization of what we are and what is manifested as our present system, then perhaps, if there is a real desire to find solutions, if the “ duress” is “ real” the next step can be walked or if the teacup before me is using “ duress” as an automated behavior.  Even if this is an automated behavior, then I would find out and let it go, because of understanding how we are formed as a consciousness system as within this, if the automation is so intense, then that “ horse” is not going to drink. But if an offer of looking at what is happening is given without judgement in any way, the person may respond and accept the movement towards understanding and solution, an offer that is to “ still the waters” so to speak. I mean, this is really the only place to move towards, because this creates a starting point of acceptance without judgement, and from here can one begin to look at the present consequences creating the emotional storm. Within this, as myself, no reactions can exist, even if my perception of the other person as using emotions to avoid any responsibility is correct. And just as I suggest within moving to a starting point of no judgement as in “ still waters” then I cannot make a clear assessment of the other person. So, no matter what, I must become a starting point of “ still waters” to realize the solution to consequence, or see that emotional consequences of another as a movement in emotion that is fixed in place, most likely out of habit as a means of protection and defense, in  fear of being responsible, which is not something to accept, but to realize that this person is in their own process. 

And here another memory comes up. My husband has been dead for about three weeks. I was basically numb. This had to be more than ten years ago. I saw the bubble around people, and  how they incessantly self validate, trying to grab attention to their stories that uphold their values as the positive. Everyone at the table was doing this,  no one was present, all were completely fixated on what validated their whole personification. The emotion I have here, is wanting to not participate within this. I really don’t want to even take this on, like participating in this is the most awful horrible thing imaginable, so dirty, so insidious, so loud. I just want to shut my eyes and find quiet somewhere.

But the only way through is to see this in detail and walk it.  To realize that bubble is a “ teacup.”

 And the answer is in my own words, to find the still waters within myself and walk, and stand facing the separation into consequences of judgement bringing it back to self and directing within the principle of what is best for all, within what causes no harm,  within investigation, within the self realization that what is best for self is best for all, that which allows each physical point on earth to exist within its full potential as life, which is allowing the very substance of life to be aware of life in totality, and not just as limitations that are manifest as ignoring the whole and standing in a bubble of self interest in separation of the starting point of equality and thus respect for physical existence because we cannot exist as life without a form and a function as the parts moving in tandem enjoying being here. Life cannot exist without every part being aware of itself as life, which means being aware of the whole, having understanding of the whole, thus the present system of dividing awareness into some aspects of life being warped out of proportion and then incessantly made into a supposed “ truth” of good and bad, causing a game of association in a limited mind/memory set of these impulsed values will not create stability.