Day 584 My Personality with Women. Cont. Self Forgiveness

 I return full circle to the point I started from, the friend that I remember having easy laughter with. And this sense that it is okay, I no longer have to protect myself from reprimand or the judgements of others, the internal self definitions feared being lost, one that appears to maintain a state of feeling happy, as a value has been used to substantiate instead of the value being here, being life. Thus, I determine who I am within what I allow. And in this instance, if I am with a woman, and I move into worrying about whether that person/woman is happy, I look to how I am manipulating myself to see if that woman is happy within, so that I am secure from harm, and I realize that I am as well, protecting myself from an imagined possibility of harm based on a past of being a child, where children really have little say against the beliefs as personifications of the adults in their world. So, I stand in common sense of what is practical, in a physical world, and direct myself within and as the principle of what is best for all, and remain stable within this, to enjoy being here, as it is being here, in direct seeing with the physical, that is being equal to the value being life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must be acquiescing to the emotions and feelings of others, as an end point.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must cater only to the emotions and feelings of others to ensure that I am protected.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the wrath of a woman scorned.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, as a reaction to fearing the wrath of a woman, distract myself from looking here, being practical here, and instead manipulate a situation  to damn up the fear of loss, as not acting in ways that substantiate the self ideology of a woman, which is in reality, as what I have accepted and allowed, damned not only myself but also the woman/women.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being practical, here, which is to fear being myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in serving the emotions and feeling of another, a woman, I am in self interest, guarding my self from an imagination of loss, and within this separating myself from my own common sense of practical reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my friend did not determine my ability to laugh, my ability to be in joy here, as this can be in every moment, here, as myself allowing and accepting what it is that I am within as an expression of life, realizing that life is the value, and that this value can only be lived in its full potential here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that having friends determines the state of myself within.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect laughter to a friend from my past.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that laughter can be taken away.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place laughter within friendship only and also not something that I can experience around what I have defined as woman of authority.