Day 823 Process of Elimination

I realize how dimensionally deep in my physical body is what I have accepted and allowed to define who and what I am to yet another degree! 

It is with hindsight. It is sudden little things that reveal this to me.

One is moving from one living space to another. There exists a deep desire to have a space of one’s own, as four walls, as a little cave like spot where one can sit in silence and as a supposed NEED to remain calm for a moment, thereby creating- because we are creators- a bubble where one has the space to “ hide” from the world.  I mean why?  This is an admission of separation. But from what?

Another is asking myself why I am seeking instead of creating? Creation, from my perspective means understanding what is here and working with it to build something. Why? Because it is actually fun to build something. It lets one know where one is at in some ways. This in its nature requires changing focus.

I remember reading a political periodical every week from front to back for three years. I then noticed that when meeting others, that I was beginning to become pretty intense in my responses in regards to my feed back in relation to things being said in conversations about what was happening on the political stage. For me the political stage is discussion about how things are being used and created. For example, use of earth’s resources and management of said resources. I looked at my behavior. This more and more angry response was somehow not a solution. Though I did not know where to go, that increasingly frustrated way of responding was not the place to go.

The first time I used this process-of elimination in relation to my behavior, was in high school. I went to high school in NYC. I was involved in the modeling world. There were A LOT of drugs. One spring, I had used valium on the weekends. One late Spring night a valium was again handed to me. I remember that moment of seeing that valium in the palm of that hand and internally saying to myself, “ Is this where I want to go?” The answer was no. This was not what I wanted to be. I got up off the car on that warm spring evening, on the street, in NYC, and walked away and never looked back. I did not know where to go, I just knew that was not the place I wanted to go. I could say, that was not the answer as the place to go. This being a state of being. 

Thus, why, in this changing living space movement that I am now within am I reminded of the need to have that private stable “ cave” “ space”? 

I made decisions in a moment, in both those scenarios above in living time, where I was not in my own personal “safe”-by-belief-cave-like-”private”-space? ! 

As I sat down in one of the two spaces that constituted the change, this “ feeling” that was like a longing for that sense of “ my” space came up. It has the color of wanting to be grounded, that is associated to that IDEA! And yet, my own life tells me I need not be in such a space to make a decision and the necessary ACTIONS/ movements to move myself! Why have that thought-of/ resonant-sense-of that “ need”? What is the point? 

Just as I had polarized my beliefs from reading a periodical for three years, front to back every week, I had programmed myself with this idea that I needed this “ safe,” stable,” space that “ felt” constant in order to sit and what? Clear myself? This is in opposition to other experiences in my life where I made decisions in a moment and changed! This would mean that the idea of a “ safe” space is really an illusion and something that I built as an idea, within me, that has become a resonant “ back-chat” coming from my physical body! It is not real, it may have a singular truth in this present system, but it is not real AND it flies in the face of what has been actual in my life! 

I think we all do this. This is not some “ special” thing or some “ mind-blowing” revelation. It is, simply, how we work revealing itself to us! That is really cool. It shows how much of a creator we really are, and how we do learn. What if we could realize this at a much younger age? 

I will speak more on this. For me, it has something to do with processing information. AND, how we are not taught this, we discover what we most likely already KNEW as children. I mean, if I can realize in time, that reading a periodical front to back was causing me to become righteous in certain scenarios, simultaneously realizing that that polarized emotional fire-ball was not the answer, then on some very very basic level, I KNOW that something is somehow - as that process of elimination - not quite the place to go! 

I mean, look at what is called “ logistical fallacies.” They describe how conversations can polarize through distraction. There are all manner of ways to change up space and time, to DISTRACT one from what is that same sense of knowing on some level -that taking a certain direction is simply not the place to go. Everything is here for us. We need only listen to that voice that understands something is becoming very polarized and that that behavior is not-the-place-to-go!

Just as I created that deep and subtle resonant form of pictures, words, values that comes up in a moment within me, I must reform it. No one can do this for me but myself. I am a creator, as are we all. I cannot really become that creator without each and every one that is here on this earth as well. Why? Because you define me, I define you, we define who and what we are as a whole as this physical creation. 

One can create , as pulling on the stuff of the substance of matter, imagery that appears to be so real. Yet, it has no staying power, and/or one cannot remember how one created that. One can have something suddenly appear in front of one, and believe it to be so real. Yet it does not stay. It reminds me of GMO seeds. They have to be, in my understanding, regenerated in a lab every year. My understanding is, that they cannot regenerate in the plant itself as that seed ( a time-line of events rolled up into a ball) will in “ earth” time slowing change/bounce-back into what is more harmonious/balanced. This sense of “ needing” a “ safe” space to “ think” or be alone is an illusion.   That slowing down and making decisions can be made in the storm, on the street, during a conversation, in any one moment. It can begin with that PROCESS of elimination as “ this is not where I want to go,” “ this is not what I want to be as somehow this is not real creation.” 

To begin to realize and see this overall, one must develop processing-of-information skills- as looking at moments overall and what is the qualities defining as focusing that moment into an experience. Language ( calling things by name as measure) can structure the mind, to the extent one can more-readily ( lol READ) catch that part of self that can sense when one is becoming more polarized and moving into those heavy conflicting situations of becoming more righteous, or seeking some kind of escape, or just going along to get along despite warning signs. 

And why? Because, somehow, that is simply not the place to go. I think we all know this because we are essentially like that seed. Life will, this means who and what is the self within, will move towards what that seed moves towards, to what is self generating and harmonious.  To move out of harmony is to move towards destruction. One must stand more in what is constant and does not have that sense of “ this is not a place to go” and realize that stability is always within the self because the real nature of self is that part of self that can process what is happening around one, no matter where one is. One question I have asked myself is “ What am I generating?” or “ Why can’t I generate this myself ( in relation to events in my life) ?” 

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself , as my beingness, as my innocence, not seeing, realizing and understooding how and what I generate in every moment of myself as expression in this life as the effect of my actions, or acceptances of actions at that point where I realize “ this is not where I want to go”, here.

I forgive myself , as my beingness, as my innocence, not seeing realizing and understanding that in effect, within the contrast of moments in my life, how in the end I am the one generating what determines my experience as belief, opinion and idea as who and what I am, and within this, how I can become hypnotized by an idea, belief, or opinion, as a set body of information made resonant from practice as repetition within and as me, to become an accepted expression of and as measure in space as a timed event, that determines the moments of myself as life here, and for this I cannot blame anyone but myself, because I am who and what I am here because of my own volition.

I forgive myself, as my beingness, as my innocence, for not “ doing the math,” as my state of being, within and the relating of that, as the focus of myself, to this living reality that is here in this moment.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand, through contrast, as critical and creative assessing of space time, as READING OF what is here as all things,  as this living reality called earth here, to realize the measure as the state of being, as a stance of focus, as the acceptances and allowances within being self generated as myself, that define who and what I am here, and become a measure determining my actions, here, that either consider all things, in ways that do no harm, and that without OF this use of real presence become  self interest, become singular as a relationship of survival as an idea, that is a state of separation from this living realty that is creation in expression as this earth, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that within and as my experiences, I reveal myself to myself, unless I am ONLY acting in self interest, fearing to question my actions, even in moments of realization that “ this is not where I want to go.”

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the pull into “ getting along and going along” as a idea of and as a morality as this is a morality of “ not upsetting” that which overall is something that “ upsets” one’s sense of self as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand, as my beingness, as my innocence,  that in any moment, I as life, as expression of and as life, am more than able to make a decision thus realizing that I need not ONLY be in some quiet private space.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in any moment, as this gift of life here, I am able to make a decision and change who and what I am allowing myself to be as an expression of who and what I am here.

I commit myself, as my beingness, as my innocence, to see realize and understand that this essence of myself as life, as presence, as focus, am able to process the math, the information, the forms, the movements of what is here, to realize “ following along without question”, and in a moment, seeing realizing and understanding how I can become hypnotized within and as beliefs without realizing the consequences of those choices until a singular more intense event happens and within that, through contrast, realize the polarized value judgement as a choice made  and making a choice to realize through a process of elimination, what directions are what is best for myself as who and what I am here to the extent I realize I am a creator of my experience in this life that is creation in expression as the physical, here. 

I commit myself to simultaneously, see, realize and understand that this mirage of belief, as a resonant construction, made through repetition, where repetition does not equate to truth, to not see realize and understand how I build who and what I am, where the contrast of a moment of awareness of consequences for actions taken, reveals how what I accept and allow as a practice, will determine my actions, in this living, breathing, expressing physical creation that is life here, as life would be a state of considering all things, here which also, realizes that there is no other place to “ go” as is impulsed as belief which in itself as a distraction from life here. 

I commit myself to seeing realizing and sensing in and as every moment as every breath, to ground myself here, to realize the weights as pressures within and as my physical, is the “ reverberation” of accepted and allowed and acted upon, beliefs, opinions and ideas, that accumulate and move through my human physical body, as a gift of life, revealing myself as what I have chosen to accept and focus upon, as the back chat within and as me, like a current moving through me, that is of my own creation that is also a gift to show imbalances that are lacking in consideration of all things as this living, breathing, physical expression of life here.