Yesterday, early in the day, during a conversation, suddenly this rain of reaction poured down within me, through the middle of me. It was sudden, in appearance, yet, there is space between events , and therefore, somewhere there is a beginning and an end. That is the rule of creation. This means, though I have looked at this over time, as the space of me here, as these reactions, and though it is not as overwhelming, meaning, I realize the movement of reaction just as in this description, in a moment, that reign, as rain of emotion moved through me, down through the middle of my physical body. I was “ awestruck” for a moment, like WOW! What I have worked on is HERE. This brought forward questions. I asked myself, where and how was I building this, what is not yet clear, what was the trigger, where did I react, what was the more automatic reaction, where did I begin to live an automatic fear etc. etc.
lol, I as well, have a sense of not wanting to go back and find what appears to be a minute movement! This in itself is an indication that the running within me as me, wants to continue, and/or, there is some buried desire/fear I am not yet clear on. It also has to do with being the patience to walk something into a well understood correction. Could it also be that “ quick-fix” in the pace of this world, appearing normal, when the normal is what is abnormal and what is abnormal is normal?
What I remember is what I call an insistence. Meaning, something that has an insistent quality to it. I relate this to my experience within working with the male of the human species. I noticed in time as my life, that men, the male, can have this intense agitated quality to their behavior. For me, it was like, “ what is that?!” That is a thing. A state turns an action into a noun after all. That “ state of agitation” can also be this slow seemingly calm and quiet state of the passive aggressive behavior found in some women. It appears like this impenetrable force, that in non-movement is like a slippery fish. Yet, that agitated state is also much like a slippery fish. This is a practiced thing, a developed state. It is as psychologists said to me after being married for 9 years and 11 months. My husband committing suicide was built within him for years, - 10 years of marriage was not enough time to have built that. And this, even within myself knowing this was in him, but being so unfamiliar with such a choice, and being so caught in my own programming, I was sensing what I could not name, or because of my own resonant information, avoided naming. Well, I did name it, yet when I spoke of it, I was told I was negative. lol, when a man tells me I am crazy, that emotional agitation is present. As logistical fallacies reveal, the moment a person becomes emotional they have already lost the argument. This is something people responding in an emotional way, do not want to hear. We don’t get angry when someone tells a lie, we get angry when someone tells the truth. Perhaps this previous statement is also a lie in some sense. Why, because we can move mountains as humans, thus, it is not so much what someone says, it is also how it is said. Any subtle emotion in a voice, even when speaking clearly, as calling something out by name, can feed agitation or stubborn passive firewalls- which are programs of belief, a resonant form appearing invisible, yet is visible because standing outside of being emotional means being able to call something out by name, with an emotional voice, or without the emotion outside of the voice! This in itself, though of “ reason” indicates the existence of acknowledgement of movement/expression. Water remains water, yet the ripples are visible. Movement is visible within creation. That “ invisible “ wall is visible. The consequences of a mis-use of freely given resources is visible. It causes harm to other sentient beings. And, it is not the elite that hold the present system in place, it is the followers, the employees. It is those who abdicate self responsibility. It is us. The power we have as the numbers of is, is so great, we could create an earth where everyone can live like a millionaire!
Thus, in that moment I within myself, sensed that emotional wave sweep down though the middle of me, I stopped. I realized I was experiencing what I call an intense insistence as information being expressed in my environment. I have faced this so much. With a panel, with individuals. I realize I have a paranoia of this wall, of this “ wave.” The first time I called something like this a “ wall” was in 2002. I remember walking down a hallway, in a school and feeling/thinking there was suddenly this “ wall” present. I ask myself what question lead to this question as a way to review the steps taken to get to where I am. It has to do with asking myself, as I stood in another and different hallway, asking myself what it was about the “ words.” It was something about the words. it was 2000. I knew I was not reaching my husband in some way.
lol, I just realized that in some way, I am showing a point I repeat again and again and again. And it is facing that which I call “ insistent” agitation or passive aggressive behavior. In a way, that passive aggressive behavior is “ of “ an agitation too! I sometimes realize that I choose to study music because it was a way to get away from words, a way to avoid language, a way to do something that was “ pure” in and of itself. Or so I believed.
It is a form of running from something, avoiding something. It is believing something is impossible. And, despite that perhaps to some extent I realize the nature and quality of that from which I run, or that which I avoid, or that which I no-longer-want-to-deal-with, or, want a quick-fix for, what happened yesterday, in the morning, is an indicator that it is not YET clear. It also is cool, because the overall movement was in itself more visible. Thus, I can realize as continue walking, to understand how that reactive movement within me was built/formed/grown and understand when I begin to react as a state of sensing that agitation, that insistence, to, as in sales, address the limitations BEFORE they come up- which has a quality of addressing resistances that is what composes that built agitation or intense “ insistence! And, at the same time, not be so hard on myself, when I fall prey to that. Or, be grateful for what and who I am here, in this life, as this is walked as much as I am able, sharing this, because what i realize is that so many realize the same things, thus sharing is caring, because as we all speak the walking of coming out of a suppression of ourselves as life, which is the only choice, we help one another to remain more stable within this process! I mean, that is awesome!
Looking back, as assessing that moment, and writing here, What I immediately saw for a moment, was how what I would call a “ darkness’ was forming behind me. That is a form of resistance as protection. There is anger within that. Anger is fear. And yet, at the same time, this reaction is a recognition! So, this begs the question and reveals the sentient nature of me as life here! Meaning, this reaction as me, which I allow, recognized a movement in my environment, and most probably did not YET understand how to address that, and was cautious of it.
What I realized within reflection of this moment, yesterday, is a deep seeded fear. It is raw, it is like an abject terror. ( what does “ abject” mean? That was an automated response using that word! …. …” present to the maximum degree.” “ … “ completely without ( self) pride or dignity, self abasing .” ) YES, it is like a moment where I move into fear, into resistance, into non-looking, into “ desire,” into self abdication,” into NON-LOOKING! And, coupled with this, under that fear, is some frustration. It is not YET knowing how to address a wall! There is a small sense of seeing outside of the wall, that sense of somehow ( lol “ sum” and “ how” - we speak solutions while speaking problems - this is the power of WORDS! they are DWORS, as doors, they frame! We can only speak our experience; vocabulary comes BEFORE achievement! Such is the beauty of LIFE! Always GIVING!) In other words, in this memory, as a state of remembering this movement more towards its inception, where I sensed but did not have the words to match the ways and means of what I faced, yet sensed a disturbance in the life around me!
The wall is a bully. It is insistent. Yet, behind that is that presence which asks the question. Thus, when I sense this “ black” cloud building, it is a signal that I am moving into a automated behavior as reaction to my environment. I feel threatened, probably from practice, by what is here, as what is being expressed, as the sum and the how in my immediate environment. I have used one method to at least not become reactive, even though I know not YET where to go. I ask myself, and this is from experience, “ where is the grace?” “ where is the calm?” From experience, I realize NOTHING can touch me unless I allow it. I used to say to people, “ I will get hurt but so will you.” or “ You just told me more about you than anything else.” lol, both statements can really stop a person in their tracks! It shuts them up. lol- not an answer yet revealing of something else I tend towards. Buying time, meaning in a process of elimination, holding back from making a decision because going “ there” or “ there” is not the place to go. I supposed this is an unconscious recognition of a wall, without naming it outright because ultimately one must look at SELF’s acceptances and allowances. In other words, I did not want to look at how I had become that with I hate, and as suppressing a natural sentience. Meaning, realizing that that state of what I call “ intense insistence” both in passive and aggressive movement/expression I was avoiding as not addressing because of being in a deep fear of it, based on past experience, and most probably as that of a child that did not yet have the words, as language to communicate. And, within this, this must be forgiven, because blame and spite is more of the same, a reaction instead of real responsibility.
As far as I go with this today… I realized yesterday in that moment, having looked at my own ripples through a process of looking at my own emotional vortex creating my own personified firewall, because this is all this can be, and is visible, because we are all suppressing as hiding our creations as not looking at what is here, thus, this is visible if we make the decision to stand one and equal to life here. I have recently read in a book that the present system was developed by a man with the last name Taylor. Thus what is here was called Taylorism! ( the present system is really an alignment with the acceptances and allowances of the human race- thus we are all responsible for what exists) This Taylor, was the grandfather of John Taylor Gato! Gato, also writes about the construction of this system and how it fractionalizes through reason, through ratio “ giving” as our present education system, where we are “ taught” to do repeated tasks, as specializing to remain in boxes, abdicating our responsibility as life, meaning we shut down looking at the whole and the parts, we accept such a system, a system that is a system of separation from a natural and normal sentience as life as who and what we really are, AND the only choice. We, as individuals, must make the decision to CHOOSE if we want to get this world in order. The vortex, spinning around, coming outside from within the eyes, being projected outward is visible. One must simple acknowledge what one is doing, just as I must acknowledge this “ black” cloud entity building that which then reigns my behaviors, as rains down through me, as this is not me creating, this is me reacting. This is not an ease of and as real expression coming from me, most probably coming from my heart. I shut down my heart as that behavior of reactions as protection as thoughts, as ideas, and beliefs, and opinions, as protections. Instead of facing the “somehow,” the sum and the how, of that insistence, as what I call this at this moment , I reject looking. Perhaps, in moments, as a child, I also attempted to address this in various ways and means. I am sure many have, and we can remember. In moments we see through the cracks, as that part of me that asks the kinds of questions I ask, that were most likely of small moments before the reactive behavior, I allowed, took precedence of self as life, those moments are also there! The grace and the calm, it is always there. It may be tiny and buried under a huge emotional construct, but it is there. No one can bring that forward but the self.
I will continue to look at this “ event” from yesterday. I commit myself to walking back through this to realize the construction of my own demise! I will look at desire too. To desire something, even if that something is not what is best, can have some quality of FINALLY looking at what is here, because the desire in itself, right or wrong, is enough to face what is here even if as manipulation! Therefore, as this appears in this moment, to be a movement more through my heart, the difference within this, may reveal what is not YET as clear as it can be.
Thank you for reading!
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