Day 854 A power vortex. I am physically leaning forward ever so slightly. A fear of upsetting the illusive status quo.

I notice a point of victimhood where a very subtle energy appears like a very gently accumulating fog. It is as the word suggests moments of small actions that are of fear, obligation and quilt. Fear is really a lack of of understanding.

Sometimes one has to speak against an emotional pattern coming forward, even if it is not politically correct.  The other day I was speaking with some people and was distracted within worrying about how to say something. That in itself means that I am worried about pushing the “ wrong “ buttons, despite the fact that emotional value judgements are a state of confusion as they are a state of separation and an absence of investigation, or not having enough information.  Or, one could say, not enough focus on the practical reality as this physical existence that at the moment is entrenched in personalities. If one is busy projecting a personality, as a time line of value judgements as justifications for the choices of self interest one makes, then within that there will be shame and guilt and some spite in relation to the difference between being real and projecting a personality.

This was something like what I found myself within, fearing to upset some hyper inflated status quo narrative - which in itself as what I allowed -  blocked what I have experienced so many times, an opportunity for a moment of insight. One has to let things go in order to change order! Seems contradictory but it is not! 

On the world stage this often happens. That there is something called the silent majority means that many sense something is not where to go and yet are stagnant in taking a direction. This is something that is used by the present system. I mean, poverty is by design. Schools are a dumbing down structure, one that can sound good to someone already at a loss of effective critical and creative thinking skills. That we have the monetary system we have, and that we pollute so much of this earth for an “ economy” is already a disorder that is a lack of respect for all things, for taking the good and ensuring no harm, as that movement of consideration and respect for life is that which recognizes fundamental human rights. Fundamental human rights are a lot like taking care of a house plant. When certain things are not met, that house plant dies. It is in a physical state of expression. Having a “ heaven” and an “earth” is already a division which causes a separation. Remember, justification is complicated. Creation is complex, with that complexion being something that shines and is fecund with a creative spirit. Complex things are sustainable because they are in a state of homeostasis, they are not in conflict with one another, they are whorling together realizing that the differences are as important as the similarities. Something the system will do is accentuate the differences at the expense of the similarities, thereby causing conflict to then grab resources. What we have is resource war, and your programming is a part of that war. 

Then there is the physical aspect of this self suppression within and as me, as what I accept and allow. I notice this week within this point of having pressure within my chest, that I lean forward ever so slightly. I have caught this in the last couple of days as I have worked on naming this self generated construction of ideas, beliefs and opinions, that are wants, needs and desires. All based on my environment. All based on traditions from existential early environments that accumulated into traditions that became habits that are rituals to hold onto a past that is not what is here in the moment. And, these traditional rituals that are from past ecologies are a means of compartmentalizing one’s focus at the expense of respecting the physical landscape and working  directly with it. 

This ever so slight accumulating “ fog” is in this moment more of a fear - as I see it. The leading forward part has a sense of being in a burden, like I am attempting to answer too many threads at the same time without upsetting the “ spider” sitting on them. lol, that analogy just popped up! I have to ask myself what that spider really wants. That spider wants what we all want; to live a life! At the moment, so much of existence is in survival mode because of a mis-use of resources. In effect, we consume physical things to sustain our bodies. We are not in sync with creation, we are moving against it, as am I if I use knowledge and information, as ideas, beliefs and opinions to determine my actions instead of being present. And, in a way, all resistance is a form of self hate because we know that difference, we understand that something is out of balance and that harm is not a real solution. 

It is like there is a vacuum from my heart into my head.I selectively take in things in at the expense of looking here. That vacuous movement causes an ever so slight leaning forward. And, this is why things are written out, because as one writes things out one names the game, it simply comes up. Within me I am like FUCK! Changing the direction of this is to deconstruct it and then refocus or rebuild the words within and as me creating this personified whorled world of words. 

In a way this vacuum living in each human moves around the earth sucking up the resources without regeneration and respect, allowing it  to be filtered into an economic system that believes itself too big to fail, while in plain sight the weather patterns are changing because the earth is attempting to find some balance. It is ,just as within myself NOT a sustainable model. What exists as our current government reflects what is accepted and allowed by a collective of individuals, it is a power VORTEX! We are allowing our “ selves” as life to be swept up into a resonant and unsustainable false “ power vortex.” Interesting how what I sense today within me, as my heart/chest area mirrors the overall movement of the present system. And it would cause an ever-so-slight lean/liening forward disrupting a FOCUS on a consideration of all things, respecting all things to ensure NO HARM. As within, so without, as above, so below. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling to knowledge and information as a means of propping myself up here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear to focus here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am a victim of personalities as limited beliefs, ideas and opinions that are here, superimposed on this earth as a consequence of a belief that what is within as experience is larger than what is without and all around as who and what we are here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand how much I am “ falling down”within and as myself to live a lie that is a state of separation from consideration of all things here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up and looking at what is here, and to instead move into protection and self defense within and as hesitating when meeting a politically correct dialogue as suggested though repetition via a huge advertising system run by what could be called vacuum of self interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being hurt, or fear being in pain, when hurt is in this context simply myself in a way…. believing that I am being pushed away or rejected when in effect it is a rejection based on the expense of a refusal to respect all things and take that which does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself within this to not see realize and understand that the way I wrote that in itself though a recognition at the some time a lack of presence within a movement, this within this I commit myself to read this movement over all, within and as a physical context to begin to sense the difference within and as being present rather than in reaction to limitation that is in a way, overall, a form creation that in itself is an attempt to answer to where we as humanity are at in the moment here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize there is one choice within and as opening up my heart and being present here, to live in thought, word and deed that which realizes differences and similarities at the same time as this is a living definition of life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be grateful for this body, that is actually showing me to myself here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the extent to which the body is a tool where it is a means to maintain a homeostasis within and as a focus as the balance within and as all parts of this body composed of so many states of being here to live and be life it is astounding the lack of respect we give to our bodies which is reflected in the present system that exists through participation by a collective and as such the fault of no single one but of the greater whole of humanity.

When and as I find myself leaning forward ever so slightly I stop and I breath and I walk into a clear recognition of this as what I have accepted and allowed within and as me in this life here.

When and as I find myself considering being politically correct, within a limited narrative, within a suppression and lack of respect for self as life, I stop and I breath and I see, realize and understand that hurt within and as what it is that is suppressing the natural expression of the physical as the life in each and everyone that is here in plain sight, as the real potential of life that cannot be destroyed as it is always here. 

When and as I find myself as my body, as my chest area becoming heavy I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I sense the subtle movements that accumulate into a fog within and as moving into thinking as knowledge and information, and I assess and forgive and realize within and as lending discovery within and as what is desired by all, as allowing the potential of each and every unique living form to self realize what is best for all, which is here in plain sight as this earth and all things that compose this earth here.

When and as I find myself leaning forward every so slightly, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I let go and let be to comprehend what is here in the moment as myself and as my acceptances and allowances to realize an accepted order, or focus as my physical body, and to begin to realize movements that align into self discovery and self realization within and as what is the only choice, which is to stand equal and one to what is best for all, visible as this physical existence here.

When and as I find myself moving into resistances as shutting myself down to hide behind a shield of knowledge and information, I stop and I breath, and I allow insight into what is presence without a fear of loss, or a fear of reprimand, and I stand as I have faced reactions within and as justifications with calm and with patience and as such, am able to realize moving parts in a moment, just as I have realized this subtle movement of and as leaning slightly forward, to mirror an awareness of that which can withstand the test of time, and as such becomes a beacon of stability, a voice of constancy to bring forward that which is best for all, this movement  in itself requiring no recognition because the joy is in being focused and present, in respect of all things, which is a state that is the absence of restriction within the physical body which in itself is visible and has always been, it is simply repressed.

Day 830 A reaction from within me to insistence

Yesterday, early in the day, during a conversation, suddenly this rain of reaction poured down within me, through the middle of me. It was sudden, in appearance, yet, there is space between events , and therefore,  somewhere there is a beginning and an end. That is the rule of creation.  This means, though I have looked at this over time, as the space of me here, as these reactions,  and though it is not as overwhelming, meaning, I realize the movement of reaction just as in this description, in a moment, that reign, as rain of emotion moved through me, down through the middle of my physical body.  I was “ awestruck” for a moment, like WOW! What I have worked on is HERE. This brought forward questions. I asked myself, where and how was I building this, what is not yet clear, what was the trigger, where did I react, what was the more automatic reaction, where did I begin to live an automatic fear etc. etc. 

lol, I as well, have a sense of not wanting to go back and find what appears to be a minute movement! This in itself is an indication that the running within me as me, wants to continue, and/or, there is some buried desire/fear I am not yet clear on. It also has to do with being the patience to walk something into a well understood correction. Could it also be that “ quick-fix” in the pace of this world, appearing normal, when the normal is what is abnormal and what is abnormal is normal? 

What I remember is what I call an insistence. Meaning, something that has an insistent quality to it. I relate this to my experience within working with the male of the human species. I noticed in time as my life, that men, the male, can have this intense agitated quality to their behavior. For me, it was like, “ what is that?!” That is a thing. A state turns an action into a noun after all.  That “ state of agitation” can also be this slow seemingly calm and quiet state of the passive aggressive behavior found in some women. It appears like this impenetrable force, that in non-movement is like a slippery fish. Yet, that agitated state is also much like a slippery fish. This is a practiced thing, a developed state. It is as psychologists said to me after being married for 9 years and 11 months. My husband committing suicide was built within him for years, - 10 years of marriage was not enough time to have built that. And this, even within myself knowing this was in him, but being so unfamiliar with such a choice, and being so caught in my own programming, I was sensing what I could not name, or because of my own resonant information, avoided naming. Well, I did name it, yet when I spoke of it, I was told I was negative. lol, when a man tells me I am crazy, that emotional agitation is present. As logistical fallacies reveal, the moment a person becomes emotional they have already lost the argument. This is something people responding in an emotional way, do not want to hear. We don’t get angry when someone tells a lie, we get angry when someone tells the truth. Perhaps this previous statement is also a lie in some sense. Why, because we can move mountains as humans, thus, it is not so much what someone says, it is also how it is said. Any subtle emotion in a voice, even when speaking clearly, as calling something out by name, can feed agitation or stubborn passive firewalls- which are programs of belief, a resonant form appearing invisible, yet is visible because standing outside of being emotional means being able to call something out by name, with an emotional voice, or without the emotion outside of the voice! This in itself, though of “ reason” indicates the existence of acknowledgement of movement/expression.  Water remains water, yet the ripples are visible. Movement is visible within creation. That “ invisible “ wall is visible.  The consequences of a mis-use of freely given resources is visible. It causes harm to other sentient beings. And, it is not the elite that hold the present system in place, it is the followers, the employees. It is those who abdicate self responsibility. It is us. The power we have as the numbers of is, is so great, we could create an earth where everyone can live like a millionaire! 

Thus, in that moment I within myself, sensed that emotional wave sweep down though the middle of me, I stopped. I realized I was experiencing what I call an intense insistence as information being expressed in my environment. I have faced this so much. With a panel, with individuals. I realize I have a paranoia of this wall, of this “ wave.” The first time I called something like this a “ wall” was in 2002. I remember walking down a hallway, in a school and feeling/thinking there was suddenly this “ wall” present. I ask myself what question lead to this question as a way to review the steps taken to get to where I am. It has to do with asking myself, as I stood in another and different hallway, asking myself what it was about the “ words.” It was something about the words. it was 2000. I knew I was not reaching my husband in some way. 

lol, I just realized that in some way, I am showing a point I repeat again and again and again. And it is facing that which I call “ insistent” agitation or passive aggressive behavior. In a way, that passive aggressive behavior is “ of “ an agitation too! I sometimes realize that I choose to study music because it was a way to get away from words, a way to avoid language, a way to do something that was “ pure” in and of itself. Or so I believed. 

It is a form of running from something, avoiding something. It is believing something is impossible. And, despite that perhaps to some extent I realize the nature and quality of that from which I run, or that which I avoid, or that which I no-longer-want-to-deal-with, or, want a quick-fix for, what happened yesterday, in the morning, is an indicator that it is not YET clear. It also is cool, because the overall movement was in itself more visible. Thus, I can realize as continue walking, to understand how that reactive movement within me was built/formed/grown and understand when I begin to react as a state of sensing that agitation, that insistence, to, as in sales, address the limitations BEFORE they come up- which has a quality of addressing resistances that is what composes that built agitation or intense “ insistence! And, at the same time, not be so hard on myself, when I fall prey to that. Or, be grateful for what and who I am here, in this life, as this is walked as much as I am able, sharing this, because what i realize is that so many realize the same things, thus sharing is caring, because as we all speak the walking of coming out of a suppression of ourselves as life, which is the only choice, we help one another to remain more stable within this process! I mean, that is awesome! 

Looking back, as assessing that moment, and writing here, What I immediately saw for a moment, was how what I would call a “ darkness’ was forming behind me. That is a form of resistance as protection. There is anger within that. Anger is fear. And yet, at the same time, this reaction is a recognition! So, this begs the question and reveals the sentient nature of me as life here! Meaning, this reaction as me, which I allow, recognized a movement in my environment, and most probably did not YET understand how to address that, and was cautious of it. 

What I realized within reflection of this moment, yesterday, is a deep seeded fear. It is raw, it is like an abject terror. ( what does “ abject” mean? That was an automated response using that word! …. …” present to the maximum degree.” “ … “ completely without ( self) pride or dignity, self abasing .” )  YES, it is like a moment where I move into fear, into resistance, into non-looking, into “ desire,” into self abdication,” into NON-LOOKING! And, coupled with this, under that fear, is some frustration. It is  not YET knowing how to address a wall! There is a small sense of seeing outside of the wall, that sense of somehow ( lol “ sum” and “ how” - we speak solutions while speaking problems - this is the power of WORDS! they are DWORS, as doors, they frame! We can only speak our experience; vocabulary comes BEFORE achievement! Such is the beauty of LIFE! Always GIVING!) In other words, in this memory, as a state of remembering this movement more towards its inception, where I sensed but did not have the words to match the ways and means of what I faced, yet sensed a disturbance in the life around me! 

The wall is a bully. It is insistent. Yet, behind that is that presence which asks the question. Thus, when I sense this “ black” cloud building, it is a signal that I am moving into a automated behavior as reaction to my environment. I feel threatened, probably from practice, by what is here, as what is being expressed, as the sum and the how in my immediate environment. I have used one method to at least not become reactive, even though I know not YET where to go. I ask myself, and this is from experience, “ where is the grace?” “ where is the calm?”  From experience, I realize NOTHING can touch me unless I allow it.  I used to say to people, “ I will get hurt but so will you.” or “ You just told me more about you than anything else.” lol, both statements can really stop a person in their tracks! It shuts them up. lol- not an answer yet revealing of something else I tend towards. Buying time, meaning in a process of elimination, holding back from making a decision because going “ there” or “ there” is not the place to go. I supposed this is an unconscious recognition of a wall, without naming it outright because ultimately one must look at SELF’s acceptances and allowances. In other words, I did not want to look at how I had become that with I hate, and as suppressing a natural sentience. Meaning, realizing that that state of what I call “ intense insistence” both in passive and aggressive movement/expression I was avoiding as not addressing because of being in a deep fear of it, based on past experience, and most probably as that of a child that did not yet have the words, as language to communicate. And, within this, this must be forgiven, because blame and spite is more of the same, a reaction instead of real responsibility. 

As far as I go with this today… I realized yesterday in that moment, having looked at my own ripples through a process of looking at my own emotional vortex creating my own personified firewall, because this is all this can be, and is visible, because we are all suppressing as hiding our creations as not looking at what is here, thus, this is visible if we make the decision to stand one and equal to life here.  I have recently read in a book that the present system was developed by a man with the last name Taylor. Thus what is here was called Taylorism! ( the present system is really an alignment with the acceptances and allowances of the human race- thus we are all responsible for what exists)  This Taylor, was the grandfather of John Taylor Gato! Gato, also writes about the construction of this system and how it fractionalizes through reason, through ratio “ giving” as our present education system, where we are “ taught” to do repeated tasks, as specializing to remain in boxes, abdicating our responsibility as life, meaning we shut down looking at the whole and the parts, we accept such a system, a system that is a system of separation from a natural and normal sentience as life as who and what we really are, AND the only choice. We, as individuals, must make the decision to CHOOSE if we want to get this world in order.  The vortex, spinning around, coming outside from within the eyes, being projected outward is visible. One must simple acknowledge what one is doing, just as I must acknowledge this “ black” cloud entity building that which then reigns my behaviors, as rains down through me, as this is not me creating, this is me reacting.  This is not an ease of and as real expression coming from me, most probably coming from my heart. I shut down my heart as that behavior of reactions as protection as thoughts, as ideas, and beliefs, and opinions, as protections. Instead of facing the “somehow,” the sum and the how, of that insistence, as what I call this at this moment , I reject looking. Perhaps, in moments, as a child, I also attempted to address this in various ways and means. I am sure many have, and we can remember. In moments we see through the cracks, as that part of me that asks the kinds of questions I ask, that were most likely of small moments before the reactive behavior, I allowed, took precedence of self as life, those moments are also there!  The grace and the calm, it is always there. It may be tiny and buried under  a huge emotional construct, but it is there. No one can bring that forward but the self. 

I will continue to look at this “ event” from yesterday. I commit myself to walking back through this to realize the construction of my own demise! I will look at desire too. To desire something, even if that something is not what is best, can have some quality of FINALLY looking at what is here, because the desire in itself, right or wrong, is enough to face what is here even if as manipulation! Therefore, as this appears in this moment, to be a movement more through my heart, the difference within this, may reveal what is not YET as clear as it can be. 

Thank you for reading!