Day 852 Spells and Deception. What are career politicians?

I have experienced these “ information” shifts while speaking and connecting with others. I realize I continue to have fears around this. I notice it when I realize I am in a different point than I was previously and yet I can’t remember the shift. This is most likely because, like the dog, it is a deeply habituated movement. One that I suppressed over time. I realize it is, at the end of the day, a conceptual movement. I am in separation from what is here as the physical, that which is practical. 

I actually feel that it is something like … “ one is not supposed to do that.” “ It is not polite” to acknowledge and expose one’s own personal deception.” DE- ception: the action of deceiving someone - “ from to take.”  A lie-by-omission is a form of “ from to take.”  Meaning, to take something from someone, to take awareness away from - a form of artifice. To take presence from someone, to catch them in a spell, or maintain limitation. A spell that should one see the boundaries of, the spell would have no power. Is it possible that one could be considered “ difficult” if one remains out side of the bubble of the spell ? Like remaining outside of a cathedral ages ago because one realized it was a box of information, like an iPhone, of control, or count rolling, or a thing of measure of limited story, as sequences of events, excited with bright colors and music? I mean what is the difference? There is no difference. One is simply moving at a different pace and sequence!  

The word “ conception “ would mean “with- take.”  The “ con” being an intensifying word, meaning to “ take” in, as to become one with. The prefix “ con” intensifying the root of the word as “ caption.”  Suffixes and prefixes can morph words to intensify their meaning.  So many of our words are related to personalities and likes and dislikes which are all relative to one’s resonant emotional/feeling body, or past experience being projected into the future, that being based on unresolved imbalances one could say are heavily charged with value judgements. That behavioral box that is really no different than a dog being taught to greet the owner with great excitement - that excitement that at times is not wanted, and the dog becomes the problem when the problem was how the human programmed the dog. And the realization that punishment is never an answer because punishment is not solving the problem. It would appear that living in a resonant bubble of likes and dislikes would project the problems outside of itself and onto the surrounding objects. What a waste of potential. 

lol, It is almost as though I wrote out a rant here, about the deception of personal spell casting. Those generated fields of energy around a body. That which becomes visible if one watched a horse whisperer, or a dog whisperer. Some may react as though such a skill is a “ god given talent’ when it is not. It is more common sense in action. Projecting that skill/presence as a “ thing” outside of one’s self, will indicate the degree of separation from real  sound and stable conceptual ability in a person.

Given that normalized deception has been generated for eons, speaking up to such deception will generate reactions! Yet, that is opportunity. Avoiding such is more the same that caused this problem. It is like what Christ said, “ forgive them for they know not what they do.”  That “ forgiveness” does not mean an end game of acceptance only, meaning to realize the limiting and narrow conceptual projections of belief and opinions, but to then follow through and problem solve. Meaning to begin to move outside of that resonant storm to become one’s authority as life, here. It means to disperse the illusions. It means to demystify all of this.

So, I was in this situation where I suddenly recognized that I had been somewhere else, and was in a different space. I cannot remember the switch. I do remember suddenly pulling back. It was so quick. It is like this tiny fragment as a movement. 

This in itself is tied to what it really means to define a word. Meaning, to define words in such a way that the word has an eternal quality to it. It has a steadiness that is myself standing as a “ spell” that is not a “spell” in the sense of deception. It means to stand in such a way, that like a dog whisperer, to with all of me, lend a reflection of a state that allows self-discovery,  or insight into what is real, as the physical creation. If we lived here, on this earth, within the principle of what is best for all, meaning to take the good and do no harm, to give as we would receive, which means to ensure the fundamental basic needs of a human “ plant” we would build a world where our real potential as creators would come forward. We would recognize our own bubbles of illusion and stand here, with creation, which is physical - that one thing we are so impulsed to demonize. This that we as a collective have created and built into a system, which we can deconstruct and reconstruct to build a world that is best for all. 

Day 851 The patterns of misinformation are visible. What is an emotional fire wall?

In moments in interacting with others and having cross referenced my own motivations, I find that I continue to fear addressing an emotional fire-wall, despite the fact that I have moved through such many times before. It means pulling on strings of belief, it means allowing such beliefs to define me for moment and begin to sort them out in realtime, as though I am a living process in physical space of what is here. A huge fear in facing this, that is the past. In bringing things forward and defining them, one can then relate them to the greater whole. That tends to minimize hypnotic polarized beliefs. After all, we have “ owners” of resources whose means are to thwart attention. We see it every day as the media which comes to reflect our own states of being. What is being scattered and distraught, anxious and uncertain but a loss of self as life? That life that when calm is very good at recognizing patterns. How does one shut that down but with a constant and continuous banter of hyper polarized and thus scattered descriptions about parts of things? Singular, reductionist small points on a bell curve without teaching one to see the continuum? Like someone said the other day, why are our children not taught about a mortgage? Most probably because a child would realize that a loan with interest  in itself denies that in taking out a loan and building a house to have a point from which to create and live, to give value and care for reality, why would one have to pay back more when the more is the stability and creation? This which is the real value? I mean, would we have the consumerist society we have if we ended usury and valued creation? A tree brings massive value to life, and yet it does not pay to live, it simply gives. In fact it gives with every cell of its body. 

Being scattered and hyperbolized into value judgements of right and wrong, more than and less than, good and evil, remains as a fear of something being able to define me, despite having an experience where I realized that nothing can define me but what I accept and allow. This was a dialogue within me before Is started this process. It was spread out, and though I was aware of it, moving beyond some line within this was something I had to live. And, within this, asking questions such as “why does everyone appear to be losing a spatial sense?” That was something I was aware of before I took this initial “ awareness” forward. ON the periphery of our emotional fire-walls that consume our attention and flesh, are moments of insight because that part of us that recognizes patterns is there, even if we are living in bubbles of belief composed of worm holes that look like a techno colored rainbow. Children probably can see this, before they lose a clarity and reconcile with the game because the adults are lost within this hypnotic hyper-realized scattered and anxious distraction in a resonant time loop. Meanwhile the tree keeps on giving and pays no taxes. 

Why does it appear that so many are losing a spatial sense?

Being caught in an emotional firewall would cause such an outcome.

That is pretty simple.

What would it mean to step outside of that loss of spatial sense into really standing here as a living word? 

What would that look like within me? The system programming by those racing to own resources would bring forward Star Wars, that “ force” that in my over-used imagination, would relate to a state of being clear and present, being like a tree, constant, stable and giving, without paying to live. 

Sometimes within being around another person a sudden shift happens. That is in itself telling. I mean, did we have any thoughts of who was wearing a mask or not wearing a mask 6 months ago? How much of that is occupying your attention these days? How much of the narrative is focusing your attention onto some “thing” today? Is this causing more mis-takes in one’s daily life with this additional dis-traction that was non-existent 6 months prior? Compare the two. Is this occupation as a belief of wearing masks entertaining you? Giving you something to make you feel like you “care”? Is it a something to fill a void? 

What would be here if the mask scenario never happened? Shift back to that. Do many other unresolved things suddenly come up that you have a resistance to addressing? Where are you? 

When we become emotional does it cause new consequences that must be addressed leading to a desire to run away and give up? From what? How many times do we realize we are being emotional and stop, having learned that an emotional reaction will lead to greater consequences?

What are the subtle things that occupy one’s attention in any given moment? What resonant ghosts are voicing themselves in your moments of life? How aware of the trees are you? 

Would having the processing ability to read such in self and others, and at the same time retain an awareness on this living practical reality cause one to live that statement related to Christ where he was understood to have said, “ forgive them for they know not what they do’? I mean, it is understood that things as emotions can be triggered, admitting to something existing within the self that can be raised into an expression. That something is not what is here, it is a residual belief from the past, as we live in a practical physical reality. Building a house involves assembling the parts, piece by piece. So it is with what we allow and accepting within. This, and that we have allowed a system where we pay to be life. The trees and the animals all around us do not pay to be who and what they are. That is a human construction and why poverty is ultimately something by design. Poverty is not a condition of life, it is a condition of a system imposed on an abundant earth evident in that trees simply do not pay to live. The thing about a paper ( digitized word ) castle world is that the information can be changed with the click of a button. This was told “ given as a warning” in George Orwell’s 1984. A book written by a man who had his hand on the pulse of “ innovation”tied to that same “ paper castle.” This is the innate pattern recognition of the human at work. Christ’s words were the same thing. The Mayan’s prophecies are the same thing. Yet, if we are over-using our imaginations, and in a space where time-lines of hyper-polarized information is metaphysically imposed via metal boxes and classrooms where the the info is written by these “ victors,” what will come to resonate within our salt and water bodies? Will what is the expression of a tree resonate as the principle directing that tree-that-does-not-pay-to-live but creates-to-live or will what resonates the scattered nature of what anxiety is, what uncertainty is, what hate is, what blame and spite are, what  an inability to speak in ways that empower common sense as that pattern recognition nature not being caught in a reductionist thin-king of belief where one tiny movement is believed to be what defines the whole? 

Remember, everything is a system. I have to ask myself if these “shut-ins” are really about suppressing a natural ability to recognize patterns and realize that the compartmentalized thin-king is simply one point on a graph hyper-realized to sell/cell a half truth that in itself upsets the body because at its core, that pattern recognition ability knows that somehow the whole story is absent. This causes a natural agitation, manifest as more aggressive behavior because we are happy when we are being ordinary and practical and  building that house and we are unhappy and anxious when we are moving as half truths just to pay to live. A tree is being itself in form and function. It is giving with every micro movement of its being, it is a part of the fabric of this physical life. It pays no taxes, it does not declare its income.  It synergistically and symbiotically is with every fiber of its being giving. At the end of the day it is all a conceptual time warp. We are allowing a slow motion of limited information, as half truths, to build in a resonant storm that causes stagnant movement and destruction of the very fabric of life being shown to us every day by a simple tree.  If we slow down enough, we can read the math, see the mirages of mis-information that so many have warned us against. Prophecy is not really a “ magical” state of being. It is simply a state of realizing false starting points. The innate capacity of life in the human has the power to see beyond a resonant storm and realize that we can be like a tree, and that this state of being is natural. It is who and what we really are.

Day 846 What does it mean to actually live a word?

What does it mean to actually live a word? It has to do with focus, yet not in the way we have been taught in many ways. We place so much of our focus into our imaginations losing a sense of the design and expression of the physical creation around us. That physical creation is stressed because it has been ignored at the expense of projections of ideas about how things should be. When we have a medical system that determines things in petrie dishes in labs removed from the living reality, we are not working with creation as the physical. We begin to force the physical into some design determined by what? By another physical creation overusing the imagination. What was religion after all but a consequence of separation from reality causing one to believe that there is something greater outside of one’s over-use of the imagination! As I mentioned in my last blog, the way I sense it today is a form of telescoping a focus into a projection. This does look like some vortex form flowing out from our eyes. We are attracted to one another resonances, both the real essence of the person but also, and more so, the projected belief systems. Our projections are also of that which we rejected within ourselves, meaning we chase our greatest strengths which has become our greatest weaknesses. We resist values. 

Imagine growing up in a home with adults who are doing this? It would be hard for a child to counter this, even if they spoke simply a clearly. That projection would get in the way, that emotional fire-wall.  The beingness way down at the end of the tunnel of projection would be spending all their time managing their projection, attempting to validate their construction, attempting to pull everything in in relation to their construction. 

People lie all the time, yet this is visible. It has a vacuous feel to it. That is a certain focus of the body. IN our innocence as children we must see this. After all, we then learn to not trigger that which upsets that vortex maintenance.  That vortex maintenance is so insistent and lost within itself. And one can see that the core is not focused in reality, it is focused on the projection. That would look somewhat like a momentary lack of real presence, with a quality in the moment of hoping no one noticed.That would have a thinner-ness to it.  It is a lot like being able to change qualities from intense and rapid, to soft and rapid, much like playing music.  The more one masters the instrument, one begins to play with so many different dimensions of intensity and volume. being able to change from one extreme to anther is really cool. How well one knows the structures, enables greater immediate change, which is basically being able to process with ease. Our bodies and how we focus are really no different. We have simply suppressed this.

I suppose that in communicating with others, it would be allowable to completely let things go and stand within another’s total state if being, and read the narrative, the pressures the imagery. Yet one would have to know the language of symbol. Or sense the strings of association to values. I could see where this would actually be fun and not something to fear. Nothing can actually define the self but by acceptance. The demons in existence could do nothing to anyone but by allowance. The media today is simply an outward manifestation of this that I speak of. As a consequence, we are all masters of this, we have simply mastered ignoring this! That is the level of greatness and creativity within each and everyone of us as life. 

I suppose my anxiety is a consequence of my own suppression of seeing this, of living being presence and focused with an ease. 

What would it mean then to live a word? It would mean to focus to define the space and where it, as humans, focus and do not focus. It is like a form, a thing. It is visual and auditory and tangible. How do I change to protect from what I perceive as an onslaught of a threat, which can only exist if I believe that something is attempting to change my own inner projections from an overuse of the imagination. Yet, nothing can be lost that is actually of life. Thus, nothing can really be lost that is real. 

It is like playing an instrument, being both big and small at the same time. Being able to move in counterpoint and remain stable.  I remember reading the Tin Drum when I was 12. I was fascinated by the perpetually screaming child. I thought the book had an answer, but it really painted a symbol picture of innocence’s response to a life out of balance. In reality that is what each one is doing, screaming to become what has been lost. Each one is screaming as that insistent protection of an overuse of the imagination to protect a construction of protection that is also believed to be a means to an end that is as itself spread way out into time lines of values causing a disconnect from being present. It is a huge game of distraction which is basically what our media is today. And, as well,  our corporate and government administrations. Administrations built of people doing the same thing. I meet many people who say they don’t get involved in politics and go home after work to do their own thing. That is probably one is the greatest evils in the world today, too - especially in America - that exists. It is an abdication of self responsibility, it is an abdication of self as life. It is a state of ignorance, a state of suppression which will accumulate and consume the flesh just as the means of the media in itself is consuming the flesh as the very fabric of the physical. It is a mis-use of resources. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to walk in a projection of mis-information, as limited story of imagery overall creating a separation from life, and stagnating a natural processing ability as such state of separation is distraction and a busyness of imagery in protection and defense of and as an awareness of an abdication of self as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that illusion of the present system, itself being a reflection of what each is being and doing within and as the very substance and the self as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that in reality all is in plain sight, within and as every small movement within the space of here, as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being defined as anything, when what I am is here as the physical as this earth as creation in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take things personally, as though the projected belief of another, as a state of separation into ideas, beliefs and opinions creating wants needs and desires can have an effect upon me, when in reality nothing can define me but what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into blame which is spite, as being lame in action, within and as self pity and guilt, as realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as living limited information, causing polarized values, which is a form of stagnation, thereby in living a lie, the maintenance of that lie-by-omission, distracts and consumes my attention slowing down an ability to process the living reality that is me and is all around me here as this living physical creation as life manifest called earth - as was said that a “ heaven” needed to be brought down to earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that in many ways I am able to stand equal and one in thought, word and deed to realize want need and desire as being an exposure of separation from self as life, and as that, the very beingness of self as life, wanting to become the living word, to realize one greatest strength in expression as connection with all things here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand in thought, word and deed, the living word and what that means in every moment here as life in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be pulled into beliefs as thoughts as spoken words of ideologies that are abstracts about things, where an end game of and as some invisible belief system with a promise of a “ more” being something out there in the future, that is “ incredible” which as a word suggests some nebulous idea of what we are as being a more as a “ cread” when this in itself is a distraction from being present in a reality where resources are mis-used to transfer wealth into digits that are accumulated into the hands of a few, as those who cannot exist without the resources being manipulated and the many hands of humans interacting with said resources, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize this simple fact and within that to stand up and speak even within and as facing resonant layers of mis-information holding this illusion in place, as just as it is to clean up a home so it is to “ clean” up resonant beliefs to stand equal and one to what is best for all here in respect of life that is physical. 

What would be a living word mean? It would have to have a quality of being eternal, something so clear, with such clear intent it would be readily realized - even within facing resistances to speak past that resonant storm of scattered information that has a quality of not being ablate sustain its belief? It would either cause interest or more reaction. This means a response of a reaction would indicate a button had been pushed that upset one’s inner construction!  Thus, friction means one has upset a belief, a self definition. Simultaneously,  that distraction would  slow down processing abilities  Using words in protection and defense of personalities would dis-tract hearing stability. Yet what would each seek but to remove the veil of this to live with self honesty and self trust, to use one’s ability to focus and understand form and function to the extent one creates, within and as realizing there are no problems and only solutions! This could as well be called balance. This balance manifest as the body being in a state of homeostasis, which can be done on earth. This would require a more respectful use of resources, and unconditional support within realizing basic needs in relation to what builds and supports the physical. 

Day 837 Looking at how hurting myself #initself shows a living #solution.

This morning, while reengaging within the word “ hurt,” I noticed a dialogue I was partially FOCUSING upon within me as inFORMation flowing through me. It is like a “ rain” that is “ reigning” me within as a part of me being distracted, or dis-tracted from being present. I have already known this, simply from the discipline of music. I had learned that if there was nothing moving within me, and I focused on what I was practicing, I learned faster! That took years, and I had been told this in my twenties. The contrast is that having a “ rain/reign” of thoughts within us, as a focus, as a movement within us, has to a great extent become something we believe to be normal. In the outer world this manifests as the constant and ubiquitous information being broadcast as the news, the fake new, the lie-by-omission news, constantly on in many homes via the television, at gas stations, in supermarkets and shops. It is everywhere! This constant “rain/reign-of-information! How can we know the difference if this is how it has been? How can we understand the difference if we, through generations are like frogs placed in cold water in one generation not seeing that that water that initial generation was placed in was cold, and is ever so slowly being heated up to the extent two generations down the line, that water is becoming very very hot and yet we are unaware that this is happening because that “ heat” appears to be normal? 

Then, would not the narrative be about everything else BUT that one thing happening that appears invisible because it has become so “normal”? This is basically what is happening. In the law of compounding effects, and intensification, even dis-ease becomes normalized and manipulated as to the cause because the real cause has become invisible, and at the same time, in plain sight. So deep is a conceptual manipulation. So capable are humans of accumulating a resonance of story within that causes complete separation from reality. It is very profitable for some. And yet, at the same time, each individual is also caught in seeking profit. This appears to be a conundrum, but the greater system simply reflects the individual parts. It shows both great capacity as creators, and the means of great deception. lol, DE-CEPTION, inception, conceive, conception. These words all notes, notations, in a song. What the mind can conceive it can achieve. The question is if we are conceiving what is best for all, maintaining a balance with creation? 

Back to my own individual conception of and as acceptances and allowances that physically occupy my self within, visible as inner movements.

I found this “ rain” within me. It is a form of being obsessive about organizing things. It has become so automated I hardly hear the inner voice of this, or see the inner focus of this. It is the same movement as that moment when I pledged myself to “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt!” It is like a voice of being paranoid, making sure all the proverbial “ ducks are in a row” in relation to a desired outcome. 

If this is within me, then I lose focus on the present moment. This is a form of distraction. Suppressing this is a form of distraction. It occupies and consumes my presence. It informs me. I am absent from being focused here, communicating with what is here, with what is constant. I am limiting my relationships with what is here because a part of me is focused elsewhere. This leads to mistakes, That leads to confusion and blame. I am, within this, obviously an amazing machine! 

Obviously, organizing things is necessary in today’s world. I can organize things, take some time to focus on that, and employ a system. Then I can let it go. I can break down a time in the day to do this so I need not “think” about it constantly, like a narrative constantly running and raining down from within. I can let myself go outside of taking a moment everyday to focus on organizing things in my daily life. Then, when having done that I can relax and focus here, be in the moment. There is time and space within my daily living for this, just as I realized there is infinite space between notes. There is so much space between notes that no “note” can really move that fast. This fits in with an autistic child I know who can catch sand piper birds. It is the way they move! It appears to slow! It is a space time movement of a different nature. This in itself shows that our normalized hyper tense media information show distracting our attention is in itself a movement that like a web, can “ catch” us and distract us from being present in creation. This physical world is creation manifest. We cannot be life without it. And, this is used to control. Meaning, we can be lead to believe there is some greater life somewhere else. Remember, we were told to bring heaven to earth, not the other way around. 

Back to me again, as what I am as a movement within me. This “ rain” within me, is therefore a “ hurt.” It is a “ hurt” because it is a form of suppression as a service to fear, as a loss of real presence. It is like a running dialogue of compensation. It sounded like “ Okay, is this in order, do I need to order that, have I thought of everything for this …. etc..” 

I see it at the moment as a construction answering to more than one background belief. It is that same thing as believing in myself being hurt. It is a certain suppression of myself as life, via distraction. At the same time that I acknowledge the “hurt’ I run from the “ hurt.” Meaning, that same part of me that organizes, is also organizing to avoid the “ hurt” that is also a non-follow through to a problem, or an acknowledgement by an adult as a child. I am using natural movement as reaction instead of as solution. That would create a spin, a vortex of information spinning resonantly within me, causing a huge distraction from reality. It is that “ nothing is necessarily “ bad” in itself. It is the “ too much water, or too little water “ is deadly. At the end of the day, it is about balance. And it is why a simple and basic principle is necessary; the principle of  to take the good, do no harm, give as you would receive. 

Perhaps I am avoiding placing myself in a situation where I actually “ hurt” myself! Knowing in some level that in allowing myself to be a reaction of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt,” while I acknowledge this as a lack of information, or clarification, I then over compensate in ordering things to such an extent that I become my own hurt to avoid creating a situation where I react in frustration and confusion and anger! In focusing on being “hurt” which had a preliminary movement of confusion, as non-clarification, and reacting from that as a starting point, I became what caused that which I was becoming, or reacted as! I mean, this is/was probably the same state in my parents that lead to my reaction - a reaction that in itself acknowledged that movement overall. It is such a twist and has become so automated, I can feel the cognitive dissonance. It is, and not “like” having to see the meanderings of my acceptances that are loud within me, so-to-speak, as that “ rain” that hearing, or hear-ing myself here is like seeing through a polluted environment! Imagine being in a valley and knowing the valley is ringed with great mountain peaks and yet they are “ invisible” because the smog in the valley is so thick the perceptual distance cannot be seen. There is a natural replay of accepted actions with the dialogue of that intact, running in automation to such an extent that shifting FOCUS appears to be difficult. And yet, we humans as life have a great ability to will who and what we are - evident in that we “ willed” this same state of separation! 

Thus, within all of this, there is a resistance to changing focus within me. “But but but, it cannot be that very “ water” I am living in! That is “ normal”! It has always been that way!” 

The solution I can practice is to create a “ mini-day” schedule. I engage myself within using a certain time of the day to checking in on existential because-of-the-present-system ordering of my time and space and focus, to cross reference how I am moving within certain structures to get things done. Outside of that, I let things go and allow myself to be here. I become a master of me. I give myself time to play, to let go and focus here. I stop a habit of attempting to avoid certain “that of which I speak” scenarios and realize what is constant, as the living physical practical reality here. I stop and I breath, and I let go of an obsessive clinging to being organized and at the same time use consistent organization within and as using space and time to build in a system of cross reference without being obsessive about it! I see realize and understand that I can use time to build in time, as a measure, to give myself back to myself, as let go and focus here, to live solution. To live slowing down to instead of reacting as a spiteful reaction that leads to me hurting myself, to instead realizing all these moving parts in ways that respect all things and consider what resolves conflict in ways that maintains a balance to the extent I life here. That is a practice of remaining in awe of life. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to constantly “think.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being present into a reaction of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”

I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I within and as accepting an idea of myself as being hurt, was/is myself being that same thing I was speaking up against, and for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to stop being focused here, in the moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the “hurt” of and as constant organizing to avoid that same “hurt” as a moment of confusion and frustration and overwhelm-ment leading to moving into protection and defense against that lack of clarity, and within that, realizing that Was basically modeling what was before me, as a choice, not seeing realizing and understanding that that which I was doing was also the means to resolve the lack of full disclosure, or clarity.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand my own practiced and practical habits as a n inner movement, as thinking that was a protection from non-follow-through that was in essence an avoidance of that same action of a belief in being “hurt” when that state of being hurt was the same I was accepting and allowing myself to become! 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from being focused here, where real solutions exist in all ways, always.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse life.

When and as I find myself “ thinking” in relation to ordering things in this present system of separation, to stop and breath, and remind myself that this “ rain” of thought need not “ reign “ my focus, my presence, the life that is myself here, and to within this, remember I am able to cross reference organizing effective movements in a moment every day, and within this, allow myself to let go and remain present, as nothing can define me, but what I accept and allow, and as who and what I am as life, I can engage with the life that is here, that is me, that is physical and constant, here.

I commit myself to perfecting the inner me, to breath, and slow down and focus here, in alignment with the physical reality as creation in expression as the physical, to realize there is space between the notes, to, as myself, move as focus, much like moving through the eye-of-the-needle, to ground myself as my beingness here, to live solutions, as model solutions that are best for all, as everything that is here is me in another life.

I commit myself to let go, to be present with all of me, to engage with reality as the physical.

I commit myself as my beingness, to slow down and breath, to live the opposite of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”

I commit myself to bringing focused here, to see realize and understand that that part of me that can choose “ hurt” with all its consequences, is that same part of me as life, that can problem solve. 

I commit myself to recognizing over-thinking, and the difference of being present, “ rain-less” within and as myself here, as my beingness.

I commit myself to playing with conceptualizing, letting things go, focusing here, finding that sweet spot of and as being able to simply and with grace, walking up to a piping plover and gently picking it up. ; ) 

Day 830 A reaction from within me to insistence

Yesterday, early in the day, during a conversation, suddenly this rain of reaction poured down within me, through the middle of me. It was sudden, in appearance, yet, there is space between events , and therefore,  somewhere there is a beginning and an end. That is the rule of creation.  This means, though I have looked at this over time, as the space of me here, as these reactions,  and though it is not as overwhelming, meaning, I realize the movement of reaction just as in this description, in a moment, that reign, as rain of emotion moved through me, down through the middle of my physical body.  I was “ awestruck” for a moment, like WOW! What I have worked on is HERE. This brought forward questions. I asked myself, where and how was I building this, what is not yet clear, what was the trigger, where did I react, what was the more automatic reaction, where did I begin to live an automatic fear etc. etc. 

lol, I as well, have a sense of not wanting to go back and find what appears to be a minute movement! This in itself is an indication that the running within me as me, wants to continue, and/or, there is some buried desire/fear I am not yet clear on. It also has to do with being the patience to walk something into a well understood correction. Could it also be that “ quick-fix” in the pace of this world, appearing normal, when the normal is what is abnormal and what is abnormal is normal? 

What I remember is what I call an insistence. Meaning, something that has an insistent quality to it. I relate this to my experience within working with the male of the human species. I noticed in time as my life, that men, the male, can have this intense agitated quality to their behavior. For me, it was like, “ what is that?!” That is a thing. A state turns an action into a noun after all.  That “ state of agitation” can also be this slow seemingly calm and quiet state of the passive aggressive behavior found in some women. It appears like this impenetrable force, that in non-movement is like a slippery fish. Yet, that agitated state is also much like a slippery fish. This is a practiced thing, a developed state. It is as psychologists said to me after being married for 9 years and 11 months. My husband committing suicide was built within him for years, - 10 years of marriage was not enough time to have built that. And this, even within myself knowing this was in him, but being so unfamiliar with such a choice, and being so caught in my own programming, I was sensing what I could not name, or because of my own resonant information, avoided naming. Well, I did name it, yet when I spoke of it, I was told I was negative. lol, when a man tells me I am crazy, that emotional agitation is present. As logistical fallacies reveal, the moment a person becomes emotional they have already lost the argument. This is something people responding in an emotional way, do not want to hear. We don’t get angry when someone tells a lie, we get angry when someone tells the truth. Perhaps this previous statement is also a lie in some sense. Why, because we can move mountains as humans, thus, it is not so much what someone says, it is also how it is said. Any subtle emotion in a voice, even when speaking clearly, as calling something out by name, can feed agitation or stubborn passive firewalls- which are programs of belief, a resonant form appearing invisible, yet is visible because standing outside of being emotional means being able to call something out by name, with an emotional voice, or without the emotion outside of the voice! This in itself, though of “ reason” indicates the existence of acknowledgement of movement/expression.  Water remains water, yet the ripples are visible. Movement is visible within creation. That “ invisible “ wall is visible.  The consequences of a mis-use of freely given resources is visible. It causes harm to other sentient beings. And, it is not the elite that hold the present system in place, it is the followers, the employees. It is those who abdicate self responsibility. It is us. The power we have as the numbers of is, is so great, we could create an earth where everyone can live like a millionaire! 

Thus, in that moment I within myself, sensed that emotional wave sweep down though the middle of me, I stopped. I realized I was experiencing what I call an intense insistence as information being expressed in my environment. I have faced this so much. With a panel, with individuals. I realize I have a paranoia of this wall, of this “ wave.” The first time I called something like this a “ wall” was in 2002. I remember walking down a hallway, in a school and feeling/thinking there was suddenly this “ wall” present. I ask myself what question lead to this question as a way to review the steps taken to get to where I am. It has to do with asking myself, as I stood in another and different hallway, asking myself what it was about the “ words.” It was something about the words. it was 2000. I knew I was not reaching my husband in some way. 

lol, I just realized that in some way, I am showing a point I repeat again and again and again. And it is facing that which I call “ insistent” agitation or passive aggressive behavior. In a way, that passive aggressive behavior is “ of “ an agitation too! I sometimes realize that I choose to study music because it was a way to get away from words, a way to avoid language, a way to do something that was “ pure” in and of itself. Or so I believed. 

It is a form of running from something, avoiding something. It is believing something is impossible. And, despite that perhaps to some extent I realize the nature and quality of that from which I run, or that which I avoid, or that which I no-longer-want-to-deal-with, or, want a quick-fix for, what happened yesterday, in the morning, is an indicator that it is not YET clear. It also is cool, because the overall movement was in itself more visible. Thus, I can realize as continue walking, to understand how that reactive movement within me was built/formed/grown and understand when I begin to react as a state of sensing that agitation, that insistence, to, as in sales, address the limitations BEFORE they come up- which has a quality of addressing resistances that is what composes that built agitation or intense “ insistence! And, at the same time, not be so hard on myself, when I fall prey to that. Or, be grateful for what and who I am here, in this life, as this is walked as much as I am able, sharing this, because what i realize is that so many realize the same things, thus sharing is caring, because as we all speak the walking of coming out of a suppression of ourselves as life, which is the only choice, we help one another to remain more stable within this process! I mean, that is awesome! 

Looking back, as assessing that moment, and writing here, What I immediately saw for a moment, was how what I would call a “ darkness’ was forming behind me. That is a form of resistance as protection. There is anger within that. Anger is fear. And yet, at the same time, this reaction is a recognition! So, this begs the question and reveals the sentient nature of me as life here! Meaning, this reaction as me, which I allow, recognized a movement in my environment, and most probably did not YET understand how to address that, and was cautious of it. 

What I realized within reflection of this moment, yesterday, is a deep seeded fear. It is raw, it is like an abject terror. ( what does “ abject” mean? That was an automated response using that word! …. …” present to the maximum degree.” “ … “ completely without ( self) pride or dignity, self abasing .” )  YES, it is like a moment where I move into fear, into resistance, into non-looking, into “ desire,” into self abdication,” into NON-LOOKING! And, coupled with this, under that fear, is some frustration. It is  not YET knowing how to address a wall! There is a small sense of seeing outside of the wall, that sense of somehow ( lol “ sum” and “ how” - we speak solutions while speaking problems - this is the power of WORDS! they are DWORS, as doors, they frame! We can only speak our experience; vocabulary comes BEFORE achievement! Such is the beauty of LIFE! Always GIVING!) In other words, in this memory, as a state of remembering this movement more towards its inception, where I sensed but did not have the words to match the ways and means of what I faced, yet sensed a disturbance in the life around me! 

The wall is a bully. It is insistent. Yet, behind that is that presence which asks the question. Thus, when I sense this “ black” cloud building, it is a signal that I am moving into a automated behavior as reaction to my environment. I feel threatened, probably from practice, by what is here, as what is being expressed, as the sum and the how in my immediate environment. I have used one method to at least not become reactive, even though I know not YET where to go. I ask myself, and this is from experience, “ where is the grace?” “ where is the calm?”  From experience, I realize NOTHING can touch me unless I allow it.  I used to say to people, “ I will get hurt but so will you.” or “ You just told me more about you than anything else.” lol, both statements can really stop a person in their tracks! It shuts them up. lol- not an answer yet revealing of something else I tend towards. Buying time, meaning in a process of elimination, holding back from making a decision because going “ there” or “ there” is not the place to go. I supposed this is an unconscious recognition of a wall, without naming it outright because ultimately one must look at SELF’s acceptances and allowances. In other words, I did not want to look at how I had become that with I hate, and as suppressing a natural sentience. Meaning, realizing that that state of what I call “ intense insistence” both in passive and aggressive movement/expression I was avoiding as not addressing because of being in a deep fear of it, based on past experience, and most probably as that of a child that did not yet have the words, as language to communicate. And, within this, this must be forgiven, because blame and spite is more of the same, a reaction instead of real responsibility. 

As far as I go with this today… I realized yesterday in that moment, having looked at my own ripples through a process of looking at my own emotional vortex creating my own personified firewall, because this is all this can be, and is visible, because we are all suppressing as hiding our creations as not looking at what is here, thus, this is visible if we make the decision to stand one and equal to life here.  I have recently read in a book that the present system was developed by a man with the last name Taylor. Thus what is here was called Taylorism! ( the present system is really an alignment with the acceptances and allowances of the human race- thus we are all responsible for what exists)  This Taylor, was the grandfather of John Taylor Gato! Gato, also writes about the construction of this system and how it fractionalizes through reason, through ratio “ giving” as our present education system, where we are “ taught” to do repeated tasks, as specializing to remain in boxes, abdicating our responsibility as life, meaning we shut down looking at the whole and the parts, we accept such a system, a system that is a system of separation from a natural and normal sentience as life as who and what we really are, AND the only choice. We, as individuals, must make the decision to CHOOSE if we want to get this world in order.  The vortex, spinning around, coming outside from within the eyes, being projected outward is visible. One must simple acknowledge what one is doing, just as I must acknowledge this “ black” cloud entity building that which then reigns my behaviors, as rains down through me, as this is not me creating, this is me reacting.  This is not an ease of and as real expression coming from me, most probably coming from my heart. I shut down my heart as that behavior of reactions as protection as thoughts, as ideas, and beliefs, and opinions, as protections. Instead of facing the “somehow,” the sum and the how, of that insistence, as what I call this at this moment , I reject looking. Perhaps, in moments, as a child, I also attempted to address this in various ways and means. I am sure many have, and we can remember. In moments we see through the cracks, as that part of me that asks the kinds of questions I ask, that were most likely of small moments before the reactive behavior, I allowed, took precedence of self as life, those moments are also there!  The grace and the calm, it is always there. It may be tiny and buried under  a huge emotional construct, but it is there. No one can bring that forward but the self. 

I will continue to look at this “ event” from yesterday. I commit myself to walking back through this to realize the construction of my own demise! I will look at desire too. To desire something, even if that something is not what is best, can have some quality of FINALLY looking at what is here, because the desire in itself, right or wrong, is enough to face what is here even if as manipulation! Therefore, as this appears in this moment, to be a movement more through my heart, the difference within this, may reveal what is not YET as clear as it can be. 

Thank you for reading! 

Day 821 Looking at a State of Innocence

So this looping, this constant dialogue in my head is myself not being here, myself not being in that state of innocence, that affords/brings/rises-up a smile of joy, of innocence, of lack of blame- and instead is more of a sharing, a being, a presence that forgives all trespasses. Funny how the real words are here in existence to guide and direct us, if we would only look and slow down and listen. This state that is more natural than the projections of personifications. Projections that are because of a fear of being what is essentially more real, as that state of innocence. As those who fear being that, state of innocence fear acknowledging and admitting  to a STATE OF SEPARATION. 

Our political, POLES I CALL/ I LABEL/I ACCEPT are the literal STATES bullying even within their words, assuming dominance. I did not pay my excise tax bill, and received a second notice that contained the words in capital letters DEMAND. I thought, why send a second notice that was so aggressive ? The word on the notice being in capital letters as a “DEMAND”!!!!!! WE DAMANDDD that YOU PAY! I mean really. Is that any way to treat a living person, especially in this economic climate? These are PEOPLE sending out these notes. This is not done by some invisible hand or “ iron fist.” This is done, the words chosen, by a system that exists by a collective of  PEOPLE. Like a bunch of peas, pulling something, warping reality, FORGETTING the self as physical life and FOR GETTING an ideological personification of a more-than and a less-than as the voices in the head that is the indicator that one is mis-using the mind, and even STUCK in ONLY being the mind as a set body of information mis-used as over-used creating a state of separation from self as life, as the living body that is what enables one to exist. That which is PULLED as POLARIZED as value judgements lacking any real consideration from what it means to be a physical state of being, composed of the same building blocks as a plant. 

I mean, just as a plant requires basic fundamental elements to exist as its expression, so does and is the human. If that structural living thing is lacking in the basic fundamental elements that composes its ability to express and BE, it goes into stress and does not function in its real capacity. We understand this with plants, and so it is with the “ walking plants” called humans - and the many animals and insects. 

I will return to talking about innocence. In contrast, I have a twin sister. I have a person in my life that I was with from the get go. Yes, we have screamed and yelled at one another. BUT, there is this quality, this sense that none of this matters. It is as though, we remember on some deep level how we built ourselves because we were there as we built who and what we have become. It has a feel that we are in a STATE of suspension. It is as though we know on some level that we are playing a game. No matter what we are more readily able to let the past go, as though we remember that we have entered a “ twilight zone” of stepping outside of something. Almost like, somewhere at some time, we made a pact that we would remember. There is this quality of realizing the storms are meaningless. 

Also, there are people in my life that no matter what, no matter what clouds may appear, what remains is a sense of joyful play. Meaning, the person opens a sense of wanting to smile. When we see one another, we want to smile. I remember meeting this one person years ago, and that same thing happened, even though I did not know much about them. It is like when we sometimes meet someone for a moment, and that same sense of knowing one another happens. It has a quality of calm, or joy and a sense that it does not matter if one never sees them again. What remains is a sense of something eternal and that in itself is the gift. The same quality happens when one discovers something, to the extent one need not force that quality to appear in a moment again, it remains, it is constant, it cannot be lost. This state of innocence has an endurance that remains there, always no matter the storm. When we do something that we, with hindsight, realize was not the best choice, that more eternal quality is there. The answer when coming out of a storm and sensing this quality, is shame. We are ashamed of our own actions.

Ever want to blame something, and at the same time, there is an awareness that one is doing just that? That quality of wanting to blame and knowing full well one cannot blame anything because self FORGOT that sense of joy, that sense of what is eternal, that sense of discovery, that sense of being able to hold something that needs no recognition from anyone because one KNOWS. If we are caught up in an over-use of the imagination, which is being MIND ONLY, we cause/create/practice/build a STATE of separation. If many do this, it becomes a living system. This living system is full of DEMANDS because it is a system of anger. Anger is the self having LOST that sense of joy, of discovery, of remembering that eternal quality that no one can take away because that is the self in expression as self as life that is of that quality of innocence which is a quality of NO BLAME, NO DEMAND, NO FEAR. 

I have had to involve myself with two “ committees” in the system. What I realize, is that it takes time for me to SEE THE TIMING. Meaning to see what is essentially like trying to hold a slippery fish in your hand. The system itself is a pretty cool structural system that does allow one to make choices that consider many things, to make the choice of no harm. YET, within that, it is the people who are the slippery fish. They are basically all over the place, and have a hard time realizing the structures. It appears that the structures are complicated, when in reality they are not as complicated as we might think, as we might believe. I can see where one can, as a mind state of separation, become so frustrated. One must take the time to realize the slippery state of this, and at the same time realize/understand inherent structures that can be used to implement what is best.  That slippery state can understand the structures, so it is like one must be patient and bring forward the real structural means to the extent those within this can hold it themselves. It is like standing as structure. I laugh, because is this not what the advertising systems are doing, in repeating STATEments again and again and again? That in itself as standing as a structure.  In this, one is dealing with many people. Yet, that slipperyness is not constant. It can have no constancy because it is a state of separation, lacking grace, lacking stability, lacking innocence.   That slippery quality is of ONLY being in a limited construct of a set body of information. Of being in a state of value judgements because of not being grounded in this living structure called earth.That state of separation is of a state of value judgements that leads to being in a state of fear, because it lacks wholeness causing discord that has no real ability to stand. It has no real structure of constancy. 

It is then of projection, a state of suspension from life. And it consumes the substance of the physical leading to dis-ease because it stresses the physical in consuming it faster than the physical can rebuild itself. It is worshipping a false god. I could say, ironically, one is in a constant state of construction and deconstruction, moving in a sequence of timed events that never solidify, that never rest, that leads to a constant looping within. That is a constant pull back and forth of good and bad, right and wrong, more than and less than. 

That “ state of innocence” does not have that same quality, it has more constancy, more joy, more stability, is is a more “ real” state of being. It realizes there are not problems and only solutions. it realizes that reacting to a system of what I have called “ slippery fish” is pointless. one need only stand to rebuild a structure that lends stability and constancy because a restoration of a natural innocence of the child feels FUCKING GREAT. One wants to smile, one wants to interact and communicate, one realizes the real value is life itself! There are no problems in this state, there are only solutions. There is no such thing as criticism in this state. It lends a great ability to not react to that slippery-fish state because what is more visible is how much that slippery-fish state lacks any real structure and that this lack-of-real-structure can never really be happy. What is desired is to instead be that state of innocence that realizes there are only solutions, that realizes there is no such thing as criticism. It realizes that the self is always here. Nothing can define who and what one is but the self as life, which includes all things, and thus is physical.