Day 837 Looking at how hurting myself #initself shows a living #solution.

This morning, while reengaging within the word “ hurt,” I noticed a dialogue I was partially FOCUSING upon within me as inFORMation flowing through me. It is like a “ rain” that is “ reigning” me within as a part of me being distracted, or dis-tracted from being present. I have already known this, simply from the discipline of music. I had learned that if there was nothing moving within me, and I focused on what I was practicing, I learned faster! That took years, and I had been told this in my twenties. The contrast is that having a “ rain/reign” of thoughts within us, as a focus, as a movement within us, has to a great extent become something we believe to be normal. In the outer world this manifests as the constant and ubiquitous information being broadcast as the news, the fake new, the lie-by-omission news, constantly on in many homes via the television, at gas stations, in supermarkets and shops. It is everywhere! This constant “rain/reign-of-information! How can we know the difference if this is how it has been? How can we understand the difference if we, through generations are like frogs placed in cold water in one generation not seeing that that water that initial generation was placed in was cold, and is ever so slowly being heated up to the extent two generations down the line, that water is becoming very very hot and yet we are unaware that this is happening because that “ heat” appears to be normal? 

Then, would not the narrative be about everything else BUT that one thing happening that appears invisible because it has become so “normal”? This is basically what is happening. In the law of compounding effects, and intensification, even dis-ease becomes normalized and manipulated as to the cause because the real cause has become invisible, and at the same time, in plain sight. So deep is a conceptual manipulation. So capable are humans of accumulating a resonance of story within that causes complete separation from reality. It is very profitable for some. And yet, at the same time, each individual is also caught in seeking profit. This appears to be a conundrum, but the greater system simply reflects the individual parts. It shows both great capacity as creators, and the means of great deception. lol, DE-CEPTION, inception, conceive, conception. These words all notes, notations, in a song. What the mind can conceive it can achieve. The question is if we are conceiving what is best for all, maintaining a balance with creation? 

Back to my own individual conception of and as acceptances and allowances that physically occupy my self within, visible as inner movements.

I found this “ rain” within me. It is a form of being obsessive about organizing things. It has become so automated I hardly hear the inner voice of this, or see the inner focus of this. It is the same movement as that moment when I pledged myself to “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt!” It is like a voice of being paranoid, making sure all the proverbial “ ducks are in a row” in relation to a desired outcome. 

If this is within me, then I lose focus on the present moment. This is a form of distraction. Suppressing this is a form of distraction. It occupies and consumes my presence. It informs me. I am absent from being focused here, communicating with what is here, with what is constant. I am limiting my relationships with what is here because a part of me is focused elsewhere. This leads to mistakes, That leads to confusion and blame. I am, within this, obviously an amazing machine! 

Obviously, organizing things is necessary in today’s world. I can organize things, take some time to focus on that, and employ a system. Then I can let it go. I can break down a time in the day to do this so I need not “think” about it constantly, like a narrative constantly running and raining down from within. I can let myself go outside of taking a moment everyday to focus on organizing things in my daily life. Then, when having done that I can relax and focus here, be in the moment. There is time and space within my daily living for this, just as I realized there is infinite space between notes. There is so much space between notes that no “note” can really move that fast. This fits in with an autistic child I know who can catch sand piper birds. It is the way they move! It appears to slow! It is a space time movement of a different nature. This in itself shows that our normalized hyper tense media information show distracting our attention is in itself a movement that like a web, can “ catch” us and distract us from being present in creation. This physical world is creation manifest. We cannot be life without it. And, this is used to control. Meaning, we can be lead to believe there is some greater life somewhere else. Remember, we were told to bring heaven to earth, not the other way around. 

Back to me again, as what I am as a movement within me. This “ rain” within me, is therefore a “ hurt.” It is a “ hurt” because it is a form of suppression as a service to fear, as a loss of real presence. It is like a running dialogue of compensation. It sounded like “ Okay, is this in order, do I need to order that, have I thought of everything for this …. etc..” 

I see it at the moment as a construction answering to more than one background belief. It is that same thing as believing in myself being hurt. It is a certain suppression of myself as life, via distraction. At the same time that I acknowledge the “hurt’ I run from the “ hurt.” Meaning, that same part of me that organizes, is also organizing to avoid the “ hurt” that is also a non-follow through to a problem, or an acknowledgement by an adult as a child. I am using natural movement as reaction instead of as solution. That would create a spin, a vortex of information spinning resonantly within me, causing a huge distraction from reality. It is that “ nothing is necessarily “ bad” in itself. It is the “ too much water, or too little water “ is deadly. At the end of the day, it is about balance. And it is why a simple and basic principle is necessary; the principle of  to take the good, do no harm, give as you would receive. 

Perhaps I am avoiding placing myself in a situation where I actually “ hurt” myself! Knowing in some level that in allowing myself to be a reaction of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt,” while I acknowledge this as a lack of information, or clarification, I then over compensate in ordering things to such an extent that I become my own hurt to avoid creating a situation where I react in frustration and confusion and anger! In focusing on being “hurt” which had a preliminary movement of confusion, as non-clarification, and reacting from that as a starting point, I became what caused that which I was becoming, or reacted as! I mean, this is/was probably the same state in my parents that lead to my reaction - a reaction that in itself acknowledged that movement overall. It is such a twist and has become so automated, I can feel the cognitive dissonance. It is, and not “like” having to see the meanderings of my acceptances that are loud within me, so-to-speak, as that “ rain” that hearing, or hear-ing myself here is like seeing through a polluted environment! Imagine being in a valley and knowing the valley is ringed with great mountain peaks and yet they are “ invisible” because the smog in the valley is so thick the perceptual distance cannot be seen. There is a natural replay of accepted actions with the dialogue of that intact, running in automation to such an extent that shifting FOCUS appears to be difficult. And yet, we humans as life have a great ability to will who and what we are - evident in that we “ willed” this same state of separation! 

Thus, within all of this, there is a resistance to changing focus within me. “But but but, it cannot be that very “ water” I am living in! That is “ normal”! It has always been that way!” 

The solution I can practice is to create a “ mini-day” schedule. I engage myself within using a certain time of the day to checking in on existential because-of-the-present-system ordering of my time and space and focus, to cross reference how I am moving within certain structures to get things done. Outside of that, I let things go and allow myself to be here. I become a master of me. I give myself time to play, to let go and focus here. I stop a habit of attempting to avoid certain “that of which I speak” scenarios and realize what is constant, as the living physical practical reality here. I stop and I breath, and I let go of an obsessive clinging to being organized and at the same time use consistent organization within and as using space and time to build in a system of cross reference without being obsessive about it! I see realize and understand that I can use time to build in time, as a measure, to give myself back to myself, as let go and focus here, to live solution. To live slowing down to instead of reacting as a spiteful reaction that leads to me hurting myself, to instead realizing all these moving parts in ways that respect all things and consider what resolves conflict in ways that maintains a balance to the extent I life here. That is a practice of remaining in awe of life. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to constantly “think.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being present into a reaction of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”

I forgive myself for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I within and as accepting an idea of myself as being hurt, was/is myself being that same thing I was speaking up against, and for that I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to stop being focused here, in the moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the “hurt” of and as constant organizing to avoid that same “hurt” as a moment of confusion and frustration and overwhelm-ment leading to moving into protection and defense against that lack of clarity, and within that, realizing that Was basically modeling what was before me, as a choice, not seeing realizing and understanding that that which I was doing was also the means to resolve the lack of full disclosure, or clarity.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand my own practiced and practical habits as a n inner movement, as thinking that was a protection from non-follow-through that was in essence an avoidance of that same action of a belief in being “hurt” when that state of being hurt was the same I was accepting and allowing myself to become! 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from being focused here, where real solutions exist in all ways, always.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse life.

When and as I find myself “ thinking” in relation to ordering things in this present system of separation, to stop and breath, and remind myself that this “ rain” of thought need not “ reign “ my focus, my presence, the life that is myself here, and to within this, remember I am able to cross reference organizing effective movements in a moment every day, and within this, allow myself to let go and remain present, as nothing can define me, but what I accept and allow, and as who and what I am as life, I can engage with the life that is here, that is me, that is physical and constant, here.

I commit myself to perfecting the inner me, to breath, and slow down and focus here, in alignment with the physical reality as creation in expression as the physical, to realize there is space between the notes, to, as myself, move as focus, much like moving through the eye-of-the-needle, to ground myself as my beingness here, to live solutions, as model solutions that are best for all, as everything that is here is me in another life.

I commit myself to let go, to be present with all of me, to engage with reality as the physical.

I commit myself as my beingness, to slow down and breath, to live the opposite of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”

I commit myself to bringing focused here, to see realize and understand that that part of me that can choose “ hurt” with all its consequences, is that same part of me as life, that can problem solve. 

I commit myself to recognizing over-thinking, and the difference of being present, “ rain-less” within and as myself here, as my beingness.

I commit myself to playing with conceptualizing, letting things go, focusing here, finding that sweet spot of and as being able to simply and with grace, walking up to a piping plover and gently picking it up. ; ) 

Day 648 It is time to come home.

If I can only focus on one thing at a time, then the small is here right in front of me for me to use to direct myself in ways that do no harm. I have to feel here, the space around me, just as a young baby does, sensing the space as that arm begins to move from it’s side to an object hanging above.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with someone and I started to argue the limitations, instead of taking the small, as the words of and as the physical objects used to tag values onto , creating a story. By this I mean I reacted to the ideas and argued about the ideas, instead of looking at the objects used to back the ideas, and grounding these little things into a practice of living in common sense of the physical.

Within this, in the next moment, as I had slowed down, in response to the previous moment, and breathed, calming myself until I breathed with ease, I let the previous moment go and focused on what was in front of me in practical terms, telling myself that the previous moment was no longer here, and that I could assess and self correct.  In some ways , at the moment, I begin to realize that conceptually, I move in a very sluggish way, and it is here that I lose what may be an ease that has a quality of being fluid, able to assess and address in ways that allow a constant that is stable, and it is remaining within the small, that I can critique and create, as this is how one stands equal and one to creation, as this is how one can move through the eye of the needle. If I rush, as idea, as wanting to impose a picture of belief onto reality around me, I get bigger as my idea, I rush forward with this, and it does not fit, and it causes more conflict , even if some parts are correct, and I get so busy ‘ creating as mind consciousness ‘ only that I lose a sense of physical reality, and the communication with it, that I can no longer fit through the eye of the needle - so to speak.

I can only move with the small, taking the small physical means of life information, and grounding them here, within the practice of how we really live on a physical world that is life information. The physical is really ‘ the higher mind’ as it is what manifests, what forms into living. What uses the physical to build self definitions is what imposes an energy spin onto the physical, sucking from it, destroying it back into nothingness, because what does not support the physical is not small enough to create with- so to speak. Our money system is the model of this inner self interested action without, as it supports the self interest of a few, allowing control from an e-go of separation into ideas, beliefs and opinions that have lost all sense of the small as the means of creation, thus those who are caught in this,  reveal to us what we are allowing ourselves because we participate in this. Here, as mind consciousness only as ideas, beliefs and opinions, as ego,  we are not equal to life, to the small, to the means of physical creation that is life information. And our physical bodies show the degree of separation we have accepted in a loss of our spatial sense that is so alive at birth. Just watch a baby, they are building in into this awareness. This begs the question, “ Is all that information constantly touted through media developing this spatial awareness being built, as a natural act, or is it informing in ways that build a separation from what is real and right in front of us? Who profits from this? No one.

I mean, how does a dancer become a dancer? They ‘ program’ themselves to move their bodies and this information through physical actions that then becomes what directs their flesh with ease and of which can become automated if we do not understand how this works, and as that automation only, over time, lose ourselves to our own creation, leading to a breaking down of our creation as our programmed directives. And/or as we self aggrandize our own self development, becoming that self interested self aggrandizing spinning around as idea, belief and opinion in our picture show minds- or a ‘ good’ programming - instead of enjoying how we can create ourselves, and how this works, and is the means to express ourselves as life.

I may, bring myself back into the physical, forgive what has accumulated, ground it back into the practice of living, taking the small as I can only be in one moment at a time, and directing myself within this understanding to build self trust as what and who I am as life as a physical state of being. The physical can be what helps me to see where I am not equal to creation, and also, be the means of creating, this is the gift of life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the rush of the mind as idea, belief and opinion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, within this, believe that something, that sum thing as an accumulation as ideas, beliefs and opinions as value judgements can be lost- when in essence that ideological mental picture show is just this, a televised picture show and not myself as life equal to the means of life as the physical, as not myself being focused in equality and oneness with the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to use the small, as what I can focus on in common sense of and as the physical, to ground this here, in and as the real practice of living, where the starting point is the same as the ending point, in and as being equal and one , as being in common sense of the physical, grounded, calm, serene, at ease, being in joy equal and one with creation here, this that is the small creating the means of life in expression here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how this works and to have believed ideas, beliefs and opinions as a mind consciousness only, in separation from real living,  a default system of self validating in self interest, making this  self created and self allowed in-position as imagination/fantasy/ self definition larger than the life that is the gift of expression as who and what I am as a physical beingness here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand in and with every breath, to slow way down, to see realize and understand real living here, becoming into being equal and one with and as life as the physical here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not use the physical reality in conversations as how things work, and to ground using the small, as a thought as what I bring forward as communication, as how men speak, to see the small, as this is what is right in front of me in the moment,  and to, as one and the same, create with the small, in respect of all life as the physical, to become fluid with creation here.

When and as I become confused, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that I am sorting through a fantasy, an imaginative idea/belief/opinion, creating a conflict that has the nature of confusion that is a separation from practical common sense of the physical, the physical being the means of life in expression, the real ‘ higher mind’ as what builds an information that does no harm, that takes that which respects all life, where life is the value, and the physical being the means of life.

When and as I find myself feeling loopy, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I bring myself here, grounding myself in the physical, using a common sense of the physical, taking the small and creating with it, within the principle of considering all things, and taking that which is good and does no harm, doing as I would want for myself, focusing here, building a self trust, that is fluid, and moves with ease, realizing and accepting the creator that is me as life as the physical, and the physical world around me, and at the moment, the separations that are a storm of not being equal and one with and as the physical world here as a mind consciousness only.

I commit myself to slowing down, to seeing the ghost in the machine of and as the physical body that is me here, and I breath, and I assess the small, focusing on what is real as the physical, as the practice of living on a physical planet here, to respect and care for life, as life is the value, as beingness in expression, equal and one to and with creation as the physical, here.

Within this, I slow myself down and see realize and understand where I have allowed myself to become automated within a personality of values I believe define me,  and I journey myself through being present here, as in respecting the life around me that is physical, until I am present here, equal and one with life, being thankful, humble/small and gracious to and towards the physical world around me, as this is me, equal and one, as life in expression.

I commit myself to realizing, seeing and understanding information flow within and as the mind, a reference of information as mind, collecting into an emotional feeling body, sporadic, uneasy, lacking constancy, bypassing the heart, of and as me, and I stop, I breath, I slow down, and then I breath, and I slow down some more, until I am calm, serene, silent,  and I remember myself to the physical taking the words that show the physical world and equalizing them to common sense of the practice of living on a physical planet, and here, I use my heart, to become one and equal to the hearth, this earth, to sense the space around me, and I assess in every moment, using the small, to realize here-ness, bringing what I hear, here, and grounding this into the practice of and as how the physical functions, in ways that do no harm, and take that which is good. 

Within this, I see realize and understand that all emotion and feeling, cannot touch the sensory skill of the heart, the sensory skill of the hearth of life as this earth, this physical world that is the means of expression of and as life and that understanding how this works brings great joy, as it is what lives equality and oneness to and as life here to be and become an expression of life as life was meant to be here as this is the acceptance of being the creators we were meant to be.