Monday, May 11, 2020

Day 834 Focus and fields of resonance.

In walking the prcocess of the journey to life, there are moments when I realize I am once again caught in emotional patterns that are not what is best for myself. It can at times be such a subtle shadow hanging on me. It often feels like it comes from behind me, like something falling down around me from the back of my head area. Once I recognize it, I check in with my body. I also notice a pattern of movement  within me within this.

It has that quality to it of making judgements, a form of distraction overall. I also notice, and I use this sometimes to check myself, that I am resistance to some simple thing like going out to my car when it is dark. Or, hesitating when moving to make phone call. 

I can usually sense some constriction in the body, most often in my lower back and between my shoulder blades. Overall, this has become much better yet there exists these moments when I can sense this pressure accumulating, most often in these areas.

It has become this underlying low-key pressure in relation that what is was before I started this process of self forgiveness and self corrective application. I have found that getting out and speaking up, interacting with others, reading to investigate things, is an immense help. Within this, I notice that I read to understand. The pressures around that, within and as answering to information being expressed around me, can be overwhelming. It is the same as addressing what I am allowing within doing this, in the living space around me. It is more of addressing the mind and how it works, in real time. Basically, this means answering to forms as beliefs coming from within, and coming from without reflecting me to myself. 

It is the process of standing equal to things, just as I have worked and am moving, as slowing down, to process what is moving within myself, and what is moving around me. In some respects, the difference between being in fear, as when I notice I hesitate to walk to my car in the dark, and to remain present and calm within where I am, the space that is here, as the physical reality around me.

We all know about this, because we read the body language of others around us, it is how we choose our friends and social circles. 

In some ways, I beat myself up too much when I feel that something has not reached a point of balance, of understanding, of acknowledgment of how all of this works, and the ready distractions that are around us on this physical earth. I realize that embracing all of what is here, to realize and discover, and live more in that state of acknowledgement of this physical reality being more of the constant than the projections of ideas, beliefs and opinions by each and everyone of us in this reality prevalent as our social fabric on earth today. 

Most of the fear is about confronting limitations, realizing them within me, and as an expression all around me on this living physical planet. It reminds me of playing the violin. I realized that remaining focused on what I was doing not only stabilized myself, but also allowed me to process inner political dramas prevalent in human beings within the present paradigm. It is to say that the state of being focused on what I was doing, helped me to see the conflicts in the social fabric for what they were, a drama that changed like the wind. I have had experiences with this in other work spaces as well, and learned to not react over time because emotional dramas tend to fluctuate and change. Getting caught up in the emotional storm in the moment, for the day, as a focus, caused an interruption within remaining more constant in being focused with a greater goal, or simply remembering where I was at, what I was doing, and why I was doing it. 

Within this I would narrow down the most resistance I notice within me, as that being confrontation, which is really addressing limitations. What are limitations but objections. Objections can be a conflict in ideas about things. This requires checking in on myself, and checking in on what is best, because it is necessary to consider the greater whole with every breath. This means recognizing where I am at , as a focus, and opening up what I would call presence, realizing nothing can define me, but what I am here as a physical life form. It is a form of recognizing my own resonant constructions and embracing the physical reality called earth. It is a shift of focus. At times, when this is more effective within myself, the space appears to be a lot like seeing a mirage, a movement around me. I realize that this must have always been here, the seeing of it an inner act of suppressing the very seeing of this.


There are moments when this is more visible and moments when it is not as visible. This means I do not have mastery or control of this. I am not counting the measures being projected, the things being focused upon. I am hindering this sensitivity, because no one makes decisions about what I express but myself. Within this, I realize that many fears are related to perceived existential threats. When this happens I am not processing what is around me here. It does get down to that simple point. I would say, in this moment, that my focus is my process. Meaning, how am I forming myself, as my body, because that will determine where I am at. It is, astoundingly enough, myself focusing myself, all of me, here. 

I become what I focus on, what I allow myself to process as what is here all around me as this life. This makes sense within my understanding of intention. If my intention is clear, it will stand no matter the emotional storms moving around me. This leads to the realization within what it means to become a master of self. The best analogy I realize in this moment is that a master of self is more like being the river moving along, moving in tandem with the ground, as opposed to being a rock being thrown this way and that way in the turbulence of the river. 


Overall, to apply this and practice this, it means to acknowledge what is moving within, slowing down to breath, expanding my focus to embrace all that is here, and taking a step. It means realizing that any degree of tension and constriction within my body, is myself reacting to my own inner beliefs, or, and I notice usually there is no “ thought” moving, a degree of awareness of this space in this physical life. lol, it is as though one is opening up what was already here, a natural awareness that has become so far “ out there” because so much time was spent in some narrow field, and a field it is, a resonant one created by me! 


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