Thursday, May 14, 2020

Day 835 My own suppression through accepting being " hurt." What is " #HURT"

I was talking with someone and in the moment, wrote a “ rant.” It was me reviewing not only my own emotional hi-story but also, at the same time, looking at the overall direction of the family into which I was born. It is somewhat akin to looking for a “ truth” in the overall picture of my life. This is based on the realization that most likely there is an inherent truth to many things. Even if that small degree of “ truth” is buried under a spaced out, scattered dialogue of practiced separation. That default of lacking self responsibility and real self trust. 

At the end, a sense came up of myself, standing in a home space as a child making the decision that “ if you want me to be “ hurt” I will be “ hurt.” It was like I was in an inner statement I made the decision to be, in a moment, as a response to my environment, as the adults that were my parents that are products of the same system that lead me to make the statement in that moment as myself. That memory is like a shadow, a movement, a FOCUS. I can pull this up and read it. I was pretty small, as many of such memories have a sense of the angle of my body looking up, a certain tilt to the head or direction of focus within my body, as a narrowing down to a point. What I see is that experience within me, not yet able to remember the greater field around me. I am inward focused. 

Reminds me of another memory. I am speaking, but not speaking, I am running, outside. The grass and the trees are there. I turn and speak to a tree and say “ But I want to play.” 

I remember interacting with something in NY when I was around 17 I believe. We communicated as words, with presence, but nothing was said out loud. I also wondered at some point in my life why I had no control of somethings within me. I had no control of the shifts. What had I mastered? 

In making the decision to be “ hurt” I was being spiteful. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was a child. 

In making the decision to be that, I had to stop being something else, because I was making a decision to be something! 

In effect, I shut down the ability to define, which is what I was doing to make the choice to be “ hurt.” I also realize in making that decision, an emotional one, a value judgement, no matter if my environment was that which I perceived and labeled as this, I was not answering to that which I defined as “ hurt.” And, I just realized that within this moment, no physical “ hurt” was actually happening, meaning no one was physically doing something to me. So, it was not about a physical “ hurt.” 

What comes up in this moment, is something within me that speaks up at times. I would get in trouble at times in school for asking the “ wrong” questions. The “ trouble” part often confused me, because most often I simply blurted something out- meaning I don’t remember having a conscious thought before speaking. Also, ironically, when I did this, I tended to gather people around me that were of more support for me. Ironic how that happens. It is to say that those moments when I asked a question without forethought, that triggered reactions in some, also brought me the people who gave the most unconditional support. 

I remember one time when I was teaching a class and being watched for a grade for a degree. I was moving at ease, and suddenly questioned the direction I was heading in with the students. I stopped and pulled back, even though the students were really engaged. My professor then told me that I was doing great, and asked me why I stopped when I was heading in a great direction? I remember feeling that perhaps I was opening things up too much, and should be more in control within following the script. That opening of of engagement with the students appeared too “ free” in my inner comparison of what the system wanted as a behavior. I remember the students changing in that moment too. as though they sensed that I was doing what they expected of the system, but were experiencing as something different. They too had lived what I had lived. A silence ensued in the room and I knew that somehow I had let an opportunity go. Secretly I was ashamed. Yet, I let this experience allow me to be more open and follow through with how I interacted with students. It is that, “forgive myself, and make sure I never do that again.” And, that some people would most probably like myself “ not going in that direction.”

All these stories show me, as a reflection overall, because I can only speak my experience, that I can feel. I am able to sense the space. That I myself have shut down and moved into a selective reasoning that is choosing the “ hurt.” The “ hurt” being a form of self suppression, of real feeling suppression. That part of myself that blurts out those sudden questions that trigger annoyance in some, and respect from others. That part of myself that realizes with a consequence of shame, that I created more “ hurt” because I feared allowing something to flow in a moment, that must have been “ real” flow because I had captured the attention and participation of many children. I had captured the movement out of “ hurt” and was instead moving into discovery. Then I shut it down because I had made the decision to be “ hurt.” I had made the decision to stop feeling, to shut down, to participate in the behavior of those that did not like certain questions. I had shut myself away from those who supported me when I was natural and more real. I had become what I hated that lead me to make the decision to be “ hurt.”

I remember another class in high school where a teacher labeled me. I made the decision to never speak in her class again. And I did it. I pretended she was not there when called on. My classmates would turn and look at me, with dismay. I remained silent. I remember the teacher moving in a tense way, up there in the front. She realizing that perhaps she had gone too far, embarrassed and afraid because basically she had lost control of her class. My best friend asked me why I was not answering and talking. I remained silent, and would not answer. I was being “ hurt.” lol, though I have to say the dynamics were interesting to say the least. I want to tell myself I created an opportunity and learned more about cause and effect. My choice was not necessarily a good one, but I did learn from it. Though as well, I can feel this movement being at its core, a frustration, a sadness, a disillusionment. The same quality of those students in that later experience. a deep silence, a giving up, an acceptance. 

What if I recognized this and used that part of myself that sensed that teacher moving into stress and constriction and uncertainty while I was sitting there appearing to be reading a book while sensing that movement in the space of and as the constriction in the teacher? And instead of probably at first being glad, ( don’t remember that) but then having a sense of dis-ease at that movement in that adult who most probably had realized she had not made the best decision in relation to communicating with me. No one really wants conflict because it can lead to problems within their job. 

What if I opened up that part of me that has no thinking going on that asked those unwanted questions, and that part of me that turned and talked to a tree, and that part of me that had a conversation with a “ entity” without speaking, and that part of me that opened up taking things apart to understand them? What if I opened up feeling the space? I most probably, had asked my mother a question that was once again not answered, and grew frustrated when I was most likely shut down, just as I had shut down others? What if I allowed that part of me that blurted out those seemingly “ unwanted” questions? What if I remained in the space seeing the moving parts, the mirages of this same thing I was doing within and realized that this is not what anyone really wants to be? 

lol, I will be saying a lot of things people do not want to hear. But so be it. 

It is not what is said, most of the time, it is how it is said. One can curse but the message is too clear to notice. I don’t really enjoy a lot of cursing and do believe that things can be communicated without it. Yet the other day I watched a man speak up about something, with a lot of cursing, yet his message was really simple and clear. In that moment, I saw the message as more important than the delivery. In today’s world sometimes a more edgy delivery is needed. It gets the job done. If a person can exhibit an awareness of this, and not be that all of the time, and perhaps use it to make a point, I see it as being okay. If I had to listen to it all of the time, it would become too much. Most likely people who are able to make a clear and succinct point most probably do not curse all of the time, and instead use this form to emphasize their point. It is somewhat ubiquitous in our world today. 

It is, therefore time to practice feeling, without the hurt shield. It is time to use the core of me that can feel that space, that can talk to trees, that can have fun looking at something and going in whatever direction the looking-at-something or focusing-on-something, the narrowing of my presence in a moment onto something that is  required and natural. Being engaging/ engaged is using feeling. Being engaging is being present. Being engaging is moving beyond being shut down, being unaddressed, being pushed away for asking an unmeditated question. 

This is the word, engage, and engaging for the day. For this moment. 

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