Saturday, May 16, 2020

Day 836 working on the word " engagement" An engagement with constriction.

I am going to look at the word “engagement.” I immediately went to an etymology dictionary to look at the root words in this word. What came up is en = in and gage = pledge. As a child, I , when I spoke the words, “ you want me to be hurt, so I will be hurt,” was myself making, or being in a pledge. It would mean that I must correct this pledge I made in a moment of reaction as a child, a small child. 

I will do self forgiveness on this point. Yet, to be honest, what would be the self correction? What would it be in specificity? It appears simple, yet to really live it, to the extent the new commitment removed years of this pledge, that I most probably regretted at some later time, or forgot and went on with my day not realizing that this one tiny action was informing my consciousness. I mean, look, when we practice a sport or an instrument, we get better at it. It works the other way too. One can lend effective self direction the other leads to increasing cognitive dissonance. What was that infamous message said over 3000 years ago by a man. Remember he said “ though I walking the valley of good and evil …” what is that? Is that an indication in the words of another age of a state of being we could call a cognitive dissonance within blocking us from reality? Why can’t we remember what we were doing last year in this moment with great specificity? Where are we? What is the constant? 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to as a child, as my beingness to make a statement as a focus, as a form, of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to live the form as the words, informing myself as this, as the statement “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a spiteful statement, of and as “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become spiteful, even as something I might later regret, yet did not understand that in a moment, what I express, is what I allow, even if it is as a child.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a reaction to a problem, instead of living a solution in a moment of being confused and frustrated.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel in moments that this forgiveness is not necessary, and yet, going back and bringing up memories of even the smallest of actions from my past, is necessary because it brings it here and allows me to realize what it means to be life, within and as to consider every movement, action within myself that I allow, to look at this, and to realize it here, to call it out by name, and to then catch seeing such movements to never ever move as this again, as the consequences are a loss of that very means, a reaction, to form as the life that is me here.
I forgive myself for remembering ONLY that moment, or allowing that action, that spite, that reaction, to be my pledge to myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react in spite, instead of using that same capacity to create, to within creation, be a form of assessment, which means that the capacity is here, as me, as this, to assess what is around me, and formulate what is an awareness of problem solving, within and as what opens instead of frustrates.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have pledged myself to an idea, within me, in self reaction to the environment around me, instead of taking a deep breath, perhaps ,stepping back, to assess and remember myself as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have formed within myself this pledge, as focused my body, my presence, my beingness into and as this form as the words “ you want me to be hurt, so I will be hurt,” not seeing realizing and understanding the extent to which I was in fact hurting myself more than anyone else, and as such disrespecting the life that is me, here, and that is all that is here as this earth, as the physical living reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself as my beingness, into a pledge that was a pledge of separation from life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a funnel, a focus, a form within and as me, constricting myself into forming as dis-associating from reality, as the words, “ you want me to be hurt, I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a residual consequence of and as shame, within and as this, and yet, to embrace this and let it go.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I as life, can with this same ability, change the focus within and as me, to feel what is here, and realize that nothing can define me but what I accept and allow, thus, I am able to feel what is here, as I am able to feel and remember a state of being, or forming, of focusing upon, as my inner form as shape as movement within me, as making a pledge as a set of words, filled with emotional values, as the words “ you want me to be hurt, so I will be hurt.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel some sadness within this as having abused life, within and as allowing myself to become an emotional reaction, even as a child, even within and as living in a world where we are not really taught the depth of how all of this works, even though we have been told, thus as a child, this was not made clear, so, even though I must forgive myself for my own actions, being sad about this is not being within me, the living solution within all of this.

I commit myself to breath, to slow down, to recognize my own practiced reactions of spite and frustration and confusion, that have accumulated within and as me, and which I carry around as a program within and as my physical body that have added resonant layers of suppression and denial, shame and regret, when such programming hinders real living movement of and as respect for all things, consideration for all things, acceptance of what is real and natural as that innocence of a child, as being present and here.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding as my beingness as myself, to slow down and process the movement within my physical body, to realize physical resistances to being focused here, in this living, breathing, expressing, movement of life called earth, that expression as the physical, that is the means of life here.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand the movements of my physical body, to correct the focus as the movement as the expression of myself as life here, to equalize to the physical creation around me that is life, here.

I commit myself to recognizing when and as I move within and as me, as that reaction in a moment, as believing I am being “ hurt” or denied, or that the cognitive dissonance suppressing the natural, which is presence in recognition of all things as the means of life that is the physical creation, to cross reference the movement of me here, to know the difference between reactions as energy within to being grounded and steady, and present as the real value is life here.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that within the inner energetic resonances within my physical body, as stored information, as programming, that this storm of conspiracy theory, as one could say, must be taken apart, and rebalanced to restore what is natural, as myself as life here. and within this to see, realize and understand that this warping of reality into polarized values, is hyper inflating moments where within that are grains of truth , as what appears to be small anecdotal insights into patterns, that reveal the real living workings of this reality, thus, the more effectively I recognize what is hyper-realized and practiced selective reasoning, has within and as me, become hypnotic because I accepted and allowed myself to FOCUS upon this, and yet within it, are the cracks into reality, that show me to myself, within and as what makes sense and what is absurd.

I commit myself to recognize the means of my own deception, such as a reaction within and as me, as a movement, of and as “ you want me to be hurt, so I will be hurt.”
I commit myself, as my beingness, as the life that is me, to slow down and breath, to ground myself here, to see realize and understand what is more constant and stable and forgiving of and as life here.
I commit myself to , when and as I find myself feeling overwhelmed, leading to frustration, or confusion, to slow down, to take the time to look at the hyper-realized parts, as reactions, as what is hindering understanding, as a pattern of beliefs causing a cognitive dissonance within and as embracing what is here , what is stable, what is constant, as what is in tune, as what builds self trust, to resolve conflicts, and realize what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for the self. 
I commit myself to enjoying this, to playing with this, to use a creative capacity to look, to consider, to see the movement of and as what is here, to resolve what brings solution, which manifests as a constancy that no one can take away, as this is more a living with what is life, what is an expression of and as a creation that has the quality of being awesome.
I commit myself to remaining present, to slowing down and breathing, and grounding myself here, in respect of life as all things that are me, in another life are here.
I commit myself to realizing that I have faced many storms, many energetic reactions, many resonant constructions of ideas, beliefs and opinions, and answered to the limitations therein, therefor, I am able to slow down and play with the strings of limited thinking, as resonant ghosts, to allow self discovery, as refocus, into and as what is best for all here, as I am life here.
I commit myself to becoming the vocabulary of life, realizing what defines life, in thought, word and deed, as a movement as myself here.
I commit myself to having fun within and as this, as in reality we are all seeking ourselves as life.
I commit myself as pledge myself to myself through being the living word, as what is best for all, as what is best for allis best for myself here.
I commit myself to engage with life.

I commit myself to slowing down and breathing when and as I sense the slightest movement of confusion, frustration, anger, and overwhelm-ment, as this is  an indication that I am moving as reaction, and as such require more information, more cross reference, more assessment of and as bringing myself back down to earth to realize what is best for all, as this possibility exists here in every moment in all ways, always here.


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