Day 863 Working on perfecting connection and how the past reflects the difference.

I realize that I am living in the past, and that this living in the past has shame and guilt and a sense of a loss of myself as life.

I realize this within reviewing the raising of my children, while they are no longer in the home and off in the world doing their own things, for which I am grateful as they appear to be holding their own.

This period of sudden review, within the recognition of my past focus on the children being something that basically consumed my attention, is reverberating within me.

There is a sense of loss, and yet, I realize that all sense of loss is a sense of loss of self. Somehow, within this “ review” that is the real underlying issue. I talked with another mother recently and she acknowledge that when there is any degree of friction between herself and her now adult child, it hits deep. Behind that is guilt and shame. I mean why feel these things, or have these thoughts and movements coming up if things were in an order that brought one joy instead of guilt and shame in relation to past roles played and experienced?

Despite understanding that my emotions and feelings are of energy and thus of polarized belief systems as a system of default to survive, the movements within hold pictures and somewhat unclear amorphous memories about the past, as those movements lived that perhaps were in a dream instead of being present and equal to who and what I am in this life on this physical planet. 

One of the things I remember, are a couple of years of stress in relation to raising my children. The worry about forming them to the extent they became adults that could self direct and remain happy within that ability. 

One memory is of the joy inherent in my first child. A joy that I am not sure remains but in tiny moments within this child’s life. I know this remains within them, yet I am also aware that this was placed on the side in order to ensure, based on beliefs, that this child would survive in this present spider-web system superimposed on this earth as a system of value judgements instead of focusing on the real value that is this life that is all the things of this earth, as creation manifest.

The present systems are simply a manifestation of what humans have accepted and allowed. A system that ignores the practical living physical reality that is a fabric of flesh and tissues that can respond with abundance were this considered to be of value in totality. And yet, ideas, that are of limitation, are valued more than all things. This becomes more evident in how the education system is one that uses imagination instead of real living connection with the very fabric of the reality that is here all around us. I mean, we use resources to fabricate florescent lights in a box, to then force feed a narrative via memory into our children. Is it not blatantly obvious that we are shutting down the senses and overusing imagination? We then walk through our lives living in a resonant bubble, separate from who and what we are. It is a simple mis-take, one that indoctrinates humans to serve a slave master, evident in the gross inequality existent on earth today.  We have a large spider in the room, as an analogy here, that has clocked life in a thin web and we believe that web is reality. It is a thing of consumption that has no regard for life. And why? Because a mirage did not want to die, or accept what is reality. 

My experiences of late, help me to realize that connection with others requires physical proximity. Somehow in such a measure, one is more able to listen to the other person, and take the time to find common ground to them and open up and bring forward one’s unique expression, which if developed would help each one to self realize who and what they are. Thus, it makes sense that a system of separation and as such a default of life, would move to ensure that humans have as little contact with one another as possible. It is a system of suppression of the innate senses of the human, the senses reading what is here a the physical and building better intentions that then direct the human to make choices that are of greater benefit to that person’s life. Or, one could say, the more humans connect in ways that lack stress, the more what I call the spider - web is exposed. 

In a recent meeting, I could listen to another person talk and at the same time look more at the tensions in their physical body, especially around the mouth. I even talked about this. I was more able to look that in the face, and see that in myself and not be as moved by it as I was before. In a way, it is being afraid of a ghost in the machine, a past, an event that is no longer what is here in the moment. I could see the same constrictions within myself, and the relationship of this to my children. 

It is a deep sorrow, which is a sadness which in itself exposes a default system, followed instead of resolved. I would say it was not one way, as I realize the mind has this tendency to turn things into absolutes, thus I can go down the rabbit hole of this and realize it is not ONLY what was lived. And, that it need not define who and what I am in this moment here. I can hold the regret and be here, and make choices here in this moment, that are not the same movement as that which built that inner sinking and constrictive movement within me. 

I feels like trying to change a direction while there is still that heavy movement within myself. Most likely, there is some memory I continue to avoid. And/or, it is something that is working itself out over time, as this is the way of recognition ability and realizing actions that would cause no lingering weight. It sometimes appears as this striated thing going on within me. Some things are more clear and yet, there remain webs of unclarified past events. 

To some extent I feel that this is mirrored in the present events happening on earth. It appears that agents of change are moving while the past remains performing its contracts, refusing to realize that something different is in effect possible. 

It is fascinating, because my body mirrors this in other ways too. My one foot is inflamed and red, it is a layer of skin more than the bone or some inner tissue. Like I am walking in the spider webs but have some clarity in other movements. 

I also looked at and walked through a memory from middle school. And yet that memory kept coming back. Yesterday, I realized it was a moment within then memory that brought the memory back again. In that memory I was walking down a hall way, wearing my first pair of then popular platform shoes. I suddenly realized that no one really noticed, and that my choice was driven by some idea in my head and as such was a false promise. Then I had to look at the behaviors as a reaction to the other extreme to never do that again. But that was not the point, the point was that in that moment I was more in a state where I looked at the whole and the moving parts. I realized no one was really noticing, which from one perspective was cool, because shame also came up in that moment, but also that overall, this was sad. It was sad because everyone else was walking around in the same performance like state that was I ! No one was really paying attention to anyone else! 

To come full circle here, this is really about an issue that I have been working on, which is within the word, connection. How does one fully connect with others? I suppose I answered my own question earlier in this post. One slows way down and communicates until a state of calm comes forward, and a sense of what is unique in the other is realized, somewhat like having a clear definition of a word, where that word stabilizes rather than triggers confusion, protection and reaction. 

A child would be able to do this more readily, and that existed before the personalities of sorrow or sadness came to define me in a moment of review. From this point forward, that would mean the focus of myself would be to make those kinds of connections and, as happens, in the next moments when saying farewell and the personalities bounce back, to not react in any way, because one connection was made and that can have an enduring effect overall. Thus, this is a 1+1 movement that will grow, as in the law of compounding effects, this will become what defines life here on earth. And thus, I walk and practice making connections until the focus of our innate expressions of and as life become in sync with life here.

Day 848 Steering through a spell of emotions.

At the moment, within and as realizing what a “ living word” means and does, it is more to realize what words I am actually living. Am I living an idea, a projection, a shadow of an idea or am I living a focus that is steady and clear, as in being in consideration of all that is here? If I notice an avoidance towards something, then I must be living something ( and this is not in relation to something like avoiding a physical flame because I know that would burn my hand!).  Do I have the courage to process what I am being defined as within myself and at the same time, stand stable within and as what acts of resistance I experience within myself in real physical space? An act of resistance is in itself an admission of seeing. Such a lot of effort to ignore the present. That makes no sense. 

There comes a point where one must move, and perhaps it means moving without moving. It means to remain grounded no matter what and then to move as that state of being grounded. It is to say it requires no doubt and the realization that not every interaction with another will be as of yet as good as it could be - yet the only way to realize, to manifest something in real time that is of a living movement, requires one to actually do it. This is where one lives a thing, without thin-king. That realization that what is of life can not be destroyed in many ways, because the potential of life is a constant ,meaning in a way, real form and function that is of giving, as in finding stability in purpose, is what would be a living experience. I mean what is an “ a” and what is a “ b” ? What are these things that most probably, like pressure on a string agitated by the hair of a bow, can cause a different reaction in a crowd of people in a room. I mean I have played with this. I just slightly change the intensity of the generated sound to test the response of the crowd. At the end of the day, what generated more attention was the extent to which I attended to what I was doing in its totality. As though that physical state of being focused - which in itself generated a kind of ease and stability - was what drew in attention more than attempting to manipulate the reactions of a group. Yet, attention onto the group and their reactions was perhaps, at the same time, a part of the process of being focused on the instrument as the physical reality is as the in-form-ation of life as the physical. 

I sense a pressure coming from my back area. That is ego, that is energy, it appears like a pushing down, that action learned when? It sweeps into my chest area, it is a movement. It is a personality. A personification. Or, a practice experienced in the past, seemingly invisible and anonymous. A-non-I moss/must/muse? Okay, where did I start? I started with the living word, what it means to live that. And avoidance. That pushing down movement that is like a sweeping in of something, and within that a repose of S-weeping - ness. 

How many “ DON”T DO THAT!” experiences did I have as a child, a baby, a toddler ? I could say that movement has a pulse like quality to it. lol, Then  I ask myself if I am beginning to create another “ thing” as this within me. 

Twice I remember greeting a couple of politicians. Senators in their space after giving some talk. Once was at a local meet and chat situation. They always appear to have men in suits standing around them. One can walk through that as those suited men assess one- checking for resonances or most probably physical “ tensions” in their role as protectors of the politician. In a way one can see them moving through their inner filing systems. It is not really any different than performing on a stage. I wish I understood this as a child - yet I did do some things that were an understanding of this, and most often I did not think too much about them. We all have these moments, it is more normal - the state of being in an emotional inner storm is the state of being abnormal. If we understand that difference, we would change this world system in short order. It is but a breath away. This and that we as humans do want to get along and participate in creation. That is our real essence. 

I can see where the creation of role play as a politician or administrator in a system where that role remains in a set group of people, in a box, is that rat cage scenario. Such a form can cause separation from reality. And the inner “ rats” in that cage forget about reality and become polarized in their desires within the immediate environment as the other humans in the environs. The very design causes the problem. Lao Tzu understood that the moment one has a government one is already lost. It is necessary for politicians and administrators to change, or rather to go back into the living existence outside of a petrie-dish because their groupie-group gets isolated and loses sight of the greater whole. The fact that we pay taxes and allow such a form to make decisions with that digitized value of labor and resource use, is astounding in itself. As I understand Ronald Reagan to have said, that there is a cap on what a government can “ take” being at 15%. If we look at all the things we pay for, it is well beyond that- hidden in numerous fees. Then when the digits are not enough, more is printed and the overall value goes down with those with their hands in the printing, purchasing up resources with those additional digits as the ones who do the actual creating of things losing out. We must begin to realize that nothing can actually be owned, we are stewards of what is here. How has a veil of misinformation become so rampant in our reality today that we argue for useless masks and ignore the greater numbers of humans and plants and animals that are starving, or even that Americans are starving in an illusion of food abundance?  I think these “ lockdowns” are that Rumplestiltzkin is being called out by name! The addicted-to-power/control are in great fear of losing their larping! ( larping means LIVE ACTIVE ROLE PLAY)  It appears that Biden’s larping is consuming his body to the extent he no longer has enough substance to maintain the personification! He is going into dysfunction mode.  From my local experience, the 80 something people I know recognize the decline because they have experienced it in their age group.  It also begs the question as to how many of our words are formed. How many of our words are acronyms of behavior where we cannot remember the origin of the word? Overall, are words the system of the mind? Simply an expeditious way of conveying information, where that conveyance has also caused separation because it allows for manipulation in itself? And yet words are structures in themselves? 

I realize that we build awarenesses of things. Our presence into a structure must be clear, as we build that pathway of connection because we sense the space. Words can help us structure such to convey that awareness, especially if that is clear within us, because that state of avoidance means we see. We must master words because of where we are at. If one’s inner awareness avenues are clear, we can share them with ease and patience. I find we have more patience when we are more clear in our awareness. We increase in our processing ability, to the extent we can exponentially cross reference our awareness and absorb the new. We can also fall into a trap of automation. In a way, it is to remain present, as in cross referencing our awareness with the known in every moment. That is what one does within a discipline - more visible when the trap of automation begins to happen - and yet, perhaps this happens often in our works today because there are boundaries in relation to opportunities. One must never allow one’s self to become bored. It seems like a conundrum but actually it is not. It is perfect in its function. 

Why am I looking at this? Because the contrast helps me realize the difference between using a constant and consistent cross reference without protection and instead more problem solving directives, or realizing balance, or sensing what would align in more solid and stable directional movement. Another way is to say to myself that I am allowed to be this and do this. No one will give this to me but myself. I remind myself of steering a rather large sailing vessel. This requires a constant attention to all the physical factors on the water. It takes a consistent attention - as I said. It appears difficult only because our present system is one that constantly scatters our focus, and yet we allow it - and, a lack of being focused on the physical is somewhat disconcerting at first because I think it must be like being placed in solitary confinement as what one has been, as allowed, becomes more obvious. 

It is like a person who encounters a spider and freaks out. If they were to attempt to focus on the spider and remain calm, the difference of their resonant beliefs would be realized and countering that would take will power. A will power that is so entrenched in the practice of a reaction that countering that resonance would appear to be overwhelming. Yet, one cannot really say a person has no will power, because it took a will to become that reactive fear full of projections - mostly of doom and gloom, as ideologies divorced from reality. It is one thing to say this, another to apply it. One must first realize what motivates one’s body.  Remember a baby must learn to direct its body. It has gotten to the point where I can actually say this to people despite reactions. I would have been terrified to speak up against one’s inner programmed directives because that is considered a “hurt” to be in disagreement. When in reality it is the opposite. Interesting enough, it is a disagreement of agreement, where no force is necessary, meaning no self-protection, or no self validation, or no agitation. It has a quality of great patience. 

This is that point again, as a pattern in writing these things out where shame comes up. It is a deep shame. As though a part of self was lost. It realizes so many losses, and yet behind that loss is also a tiny flicker of joy.  It is uncovering a cyclical nature of self practiced and mastered avoidance tactics. And yes, this is how we work. We cannot blame anyone for our own experiences. We must be the fool, and stand up once again no matter what has happened to us.  What I find most interesting within the African American community is the at an essential level, the human being that is the life within knows this too. Because of that, we know that the race game is one of distraction.