Day 863 Working on perfecting connection and how the past reflects the difference.

I realize that I am living in the past, and that this living in the past has shame and guilt and a sense of a loss of myself as life.

I realize this within reviewing the raising of my children, while they are no longer in the home and off in the world doing their own things, for which I am grateful as they appear to be holding their own.

This period of sudden review, within the recognition of my past focus on the children being something that basically consumed my attention, is reverberating within me.

There is a sense of loss, and yet, I realize that all sense of loss is a sense of loss of self. Somehow, within this “ review” that is the real underlying issue. I talked with another mother recently and she acknowledge that when there is any degree of friction between herself and her now adult child, it hits deep. Behind that is guilt and shame. I mean why feel these things, or have these thoughts and movements coming up if things were in an order that brought one joy instead of guilt and shame in relation to past roles played and experienced?

Despite understanding that my emotions and feelings are of energy and thus of polarized belief systems as a system of default to survive, the movements within hold pictures and somewhat unclear amorphous memories about the past, as those movements lived that perhaps were in a dream instead of being present and equal to who and what I am in this life on this physical planet. 

One of the things I remember, are a couple of years of stress in relation to raising my children. The worry about forming them to the extent they became adults that could self direct and remain happy within that ability. 

One memory is of the joy inherent in my first child. A joy that I am not sure remains but in tiny moments within this child’s life. I know this remains within them, yet I am also aware that this was placed on the side in order to ensure, based on beliefs, that this child would survive in this present spider-web system superimposed on this earth as a system of value judgements instead of focusing on the real value that is this life that is all the things of this earth, as creation manifest.

The present systems are simply a manifestation of what humans have accepted and allowed. A system that ignores the practical living physical reality that is a fabric of flesh and tissues that can respond with abundance were this considered to be of value in totality. And yet, ideas, that are of limitation, are valued more than all things. This becomes more evident in how the education system is one that uses imagination instead of real living connection with the very fabric of the reality that is here all around us. I mean, we use resources to fabricate florescent lights in a box, to then force feed a narrative via memory into our children. Is it not blatantly obvious that we are shutting down the senses and overusing imagination? We then walk through our lives living in a resonant bubble, separate from who and what we are. It is a simple mis-take, one that indoctrinates humans to serve a slave master, evident in the gross inequality existent on earth today.  We have a large spider in the room, as an analogy here, that has clocked life in a thin web and we believe that web is reality. It is a thing of consumption that has no regard for life. And why? Because a mirage did not want to die, or accept what is reality. 

My experiences of late, help me to realize that connection with others requires physical proximity. Somehow in such a measure, one is more able to listen to the other person, and take the time to find common ground to them and open up and bring forward one’s unique expression, which if developed would help each one to self realize who and what they are. Thus, it makes sense that a system of separation and as such a default of life, would move to ensure that humans have as little contact with one another as possible. It is a system of suppression of the innate senses of the human, the senses reading what is here a the physical and building better intentions that then direct the human to make choices that are of greater benefit to that person’s life. Or, one could say, the more humans connect in ways that lack stress, the more what I call the spider - web is exposed. 

In a recent meeting, I could listen to another person talk and at the same time look more at the tensions in their physical body, especially around the mouth. I even talked about this. I was more able to look that in the face, and see that in myself and not be as moved by it as I was before. In a way, it is being afraid of a ghost in the machine, a past, an event that is no longer what is here in the moment. I could see the same constrictions within myself, and the relationship of this to my children. 

It is a deep sorrow, which is a sadness which in itself exposes a default system, followed instead of resolved. I would say it was not one way, as I realize the mind has this tendency to turn things into absolutes, thus I can go down the rabbit hole of this and realize it is not ONLY what was lived. And, that it need not define who and what I am in this moment here. I can hold the regret and be here, and make choices here in this moment, that are not the same movement as that which built that inner sinking and constrictive movement within me. 

I feels like trying to change a direction while there is still that heavy movement within myself. Most likely, there is some memory I continue to avoid. And/or, it is something that is working itself out over time, as this is the way of recognition ability and realizing actions that would cause no lingering weight. It sometimes appears as this striated thing going on within me. Some things are more clear and yet, there remain webs of unclarified past events. 

To some extent I feel that this is mirrored in the present events happening on earth. It appears that agents of change are moving while the past remains performing its contracts, refusing to realize that something different is in effect possible. 

It is fascinating, because my body mirrors this in other ways too. My one foot is inflamed and red, it is a layer of skin more than the bone or some inner tissue. Like I am walking in the spider webs but have some clarity in other movements. 

I also looked at and walked through a memory from middle school. And yet that memory kept coming back. Yesterday, I realized it was a moment within then memory that brought the memory back again. In that memory I was walking down a hall way, wearing my first pair of then popular platform shoes. I suddenly realized that no one really noticed, and that my choice was driven by some idea in my head and as such was a false promise. Then I had to look at the behaviors as a reaction to the other extreme to never do that again. But that was not the point, the point was that in that moment I was more in a state where I looked at the whole and the moving parts. I realized no one was really noticing, which from one perspective was cool, because shame also came up in that moment, but also that overall, this was sad. It was sad because everyone else was walking around in the same performance like state that was I ! No one was really paying attention to anyone else! 

To come full circle here, this is really about an issue that I have been working on, which is within the word, connection. How does one fully connect with others? I suppose I answered my own question earlier in this post. One slows way down and communicates until a state of calm comes forward, and a sense of what is unique in the other is realized, somewhat like having a clear definition of a word, where that word stabilizes rather than triggers confusion, protection and reaction. 

A child would be able to do this more readily, and that existed before the personalities of sorrow or sadness came to define me in a moment of review. From this point forward, that would mean the focus of myself would be to make those kinds of connections and, as happens, in the next moments when saying farewell and the personalities bounce back, to not react in any way, because one connection was made and that can have an enduring effect overall. Thus, this is a 1+1 movement that will grow, as in the law of compounding effects, this will become what defines life here on earth. And thus, I walk and practice making connections until the focus of our innate expressions of and as life become in sync with life here.

Day 862 Finding my own words. What does it mean to be of sound mind?

Everything is a math, a geometry, a form. Everything has a function according to its form. When a wild animal paces in a zoo, it is because its very form is not given license to express itself. 

The same could be said of children acting up in a classroom. The space, the venue, the isolated artificial light filled with second hand information mis-uses the form and function of the fundamental sentience of the human child. Thus reactions happen. The use of the language missing the living words that lend a more ordered expression of the form that is the human child. And, the body of the human being of water, and salt, the past is imprinted, information as experience is imprinted, and “ follows” with the child. Thus, there is an absence in an isolated box  called public schools as they are “ ordered”  today of real information, and an absence of the living forms that is what the child is a part of as this physical reality, and a resonant image of all that came before that moment from a system lacking recognition of how this all works.  This is basically the creation around us. We are ignoring how this that is in plain sight actually works. Even those playing god cannot win at the end of the day. How this creation actually works must be worked with. Plain and simple. It makes the media and conspiracy theories one and the same, because unless there is a direct relationship between the physical things of this physical living reality, time loops of information become distraction and what is real is ignored leading to an overall death. 

This also reveals the incredible and amazing sensitivity of the nature of life itself. It also allows one to realize that all the shadows within one can be let go, because they are of a past, at the moment, that is a chaos because of a lack of looking here, directly at this living earth.

This frees one from past “ trauma.” It means one can breath through what is coming up within, and then, once one is able to breath through a time-line of resonant information, one can then step in and look at the projected resonant memory. One becomes a discerner of what is coming up from within. And one can breath and at the same time, look here, remain in this living moment here. One must recognize the difference and then face the “ dragon.” lol, face what is “ drag-(ed)-on by one’s acceptance and allowance. It is to realize that nothing can define who and what one is as a form and function of and as a sentient state of being. At the end of the day, the shadows have no real power. Reminds me of seeing a demon one time, who was a man, a gentle man before I myself projected an idea ( with no spoken word) that triggered this “ dead” beings projections. They looked like these kinda whispy things jutting out in front of the increasingly angry used-to-be-a-man ( as opposed to a woman).  It was too late at that point, I already realized that sudden storm was a gentle man’s innocence behind the storm and that this “ thing” could NOT touch me. It was an absolute. 

Then why can I still be triggered, as someone did in a few months ago. I watched this storm coming up from within me and before it “ erupted” I went into breath. The essence of this within me was a fear. At the moment, I wanted to go into full combat mode, but know enough to understand that moving in that reactive and accusative way was not an option. I was too busy in that moment processing what was erupting within me to see beyond the point and realize a solution. I also realized that the triggering storm near me, was already in full swing. It had to “ come back down to earth.” Meaning, it had to become calm or it would only be fed, which was the opposite of solving the problem.

I ask myself why I went into “ shield” mode myself? There is  a " knowing"  real way to process the time-line of projected ideologies covering up a separation from innocence, that gentleness that was more “ pure.” It is visible, thus the secondary projections are a mirage, in a way. A mirage can be seen though one must change the lens of one’s focus. Yet, as it is, we humans have shut down our natural sentience, and have mastered seeing the projections. It is a zombie apocalypse, meaning we are all walking around in resonant bubbles composed of time-lines of information. We have become masters of shadow workings. No wonder the animals hide from us. Do we look like a walking “ bright light” that leaves a dirty sooty smudge in our wake? Probably. If I were an animal in the wild I would probably run and hide too. 

The idea of opening up one’s heart to stand equal and one to the projection and at the same time maintain a grounding in seeing the innocence is most probably what an open heart can do. This is the foundation of and as the statement “ forgive them for they know not what they do.” I wonder if Christ, who was a man, could actually see this. And are there others, somewhere, who are also able to see this? Is this what the fantasy of and as the “ force” is able to be and do? Is it simply a matter of FOCUS? I would say, one would have to give everything up in order to realize this. 

This point, of and as “ nothing can define me but what I allow,” was prominent in my early forties. It kept coming up in moments. I suppose I started to realize on some yet unconscious level, that things being per-formed in front of me did not have to be taken seriously. Meaning, in some ways, they need not define me, and because of that I could respond in a way that did not take such presumptions seriously. There was a noted resistance in relation to addressing what is a state of separation from reality. 

Yet, I had probably used manipulation because I was answering to the projection. All those years in school were simply a regurgitation of information - information that was not enough to really expose how all of this works. As has been said, by thirty, the energy generated by the shadow zombie separation-from-self human had already fed their life energy into the present system. I was already all used up. Life has a way of self realizing, we do in time, or standing in this space, begin to discern the patterns. Hence all the suppressive drugs being souled/sold?  Is there really any real health today? 

So many epidemiological studies recognizing patterns and yet a lack of follow through to discovered correlations. And a bureaucracy that stagnates to create a fire-wall of not-allowing-the-information into the “ records” under the guise of a “ lack-of-funds.” The perfect multi-leveled gated marketing system game plan to hold back the discernment of a natural sentience. Meanwhile, that same system demonizes multi-level marketing. We can, at the end of the day, only speak of our experience. We mirror what we allow. That projected anger, as it will always be anger because that is the consequence of a loss of self, it is so busy per-forming a projected picture show that that is all it can speak of! The words are not living words, they are polarized value judgements that are a video game, with time-lines as strings of information, all of which will not remain at death. It simply has no real longevity. It is an inner tornado, an inner constructed FOCUS - the children absorb from the parents, mirroring their environment- that defining of terms that one can get lost within, or an absence of seeing where else to go.  It has no real eternal quality. It is like a whisper in the wind, and nothing else. 

Day 857 Self forgiveness on the resonant mind consciousness system of separation from life.

The other day, I had a conversation with someone close to me. In a moment, I was aware of contradictory statements, and then, a “ state of being” as a personality. It is, though I have heard this before, a movement into a limitation, like holding a belief as a thing, and then in the next jumping into another context. Overall, a cognitive dissonance from the ordinary practical and physical reality that is here, in plain sight. 

The words, changed according to the personality. In one moment it was resisted, or reacted-to in relation to what I was conveying, and then in the next it was admitted to or acknowledged. What I noticed it that as I noted the two entities of belief, as expressed, as a contradiction, the different states of being, like a thing, like a mathematical formula in front of me.

Within this, I could also see that in the past, I would have reacted to the emotional content of one and agreed with the other to appease the initial emotional reaction. lol, at the same time that I write this, I realize that in working with others, I tend to relax when there is agreement, at the expense of covering some limitations that would most probably become a bounce back. Therefor, within this, having a situation where there is seeming agreement, there is also necessity to cover what is not being said. 

I suppose, as a child, seeing a state-of-limitation as a time line of built beliefs, would be a “ pain” in a way, and within myself, a reaction as a movement to move away from, ignore, avoid continuing or creating that tension of limited belief consuming the FOCUS of the body of the person. Yet, the realization that nothing can define a person, would enable one to have empathy as one moving beyond sympathy into real means and ways to allow a self discovery of balance and presence. Somewhat like turning a dial on a magnifying device in ways that uncover a limited and constructed focus of the body. Yet, I have found that uncovering things, when noticed and remembered, one - as anything in this reality, there is a need of space to process the uncovered, or discovered. Within this, one of the means of limitation is to give no space to actually process one’s experience. It is why, as I have discovered, our present government layer and spread things out, making it easy to hide what is real in plain sight and yet cause distraction to uncover the construct of the whole. Greed is a nasty business, one that kills the parasitical host as well as the victim. This understanding is probably there in the child, as the child enters this superimposed reality in reality. Processing that and learning to live with what is here, requires careful consideration, that one thing that is basically blocked within the demands of a limiting system. But then again, overall, it is like one giant computer game, where one must learn the inherent traps- even when they are spread out.

Yet, this is about inherent contradictions that are visible in a state of jumping beliefs within self interest. Self interest being a math that is separate from the practical and ordinariness of life manifest as the physical. This that would be a state of considering ALL things, FOCUSING the body on recognizing ALL THINGS. Of course, cross referencing all things, would mean to focus in the moment, as here. Focusing on memorized ideas, beliefs and opinions, would be a state of separation from being focused here. And, as humans are happy when they are doing, being focused here, would have a quality to it, one that would be more constant and calm. Most likely, when we are at our best self, the quality of our expression would be that of greater constancy, meaning of less contradiction. Again, it is all a math. 

In this moment, of which I speak, the contradictions as the expressions from this person I was communicating with, were suddenly visible. I, within myself, realized on one level, how influenced I had been by the emotional intensity of this person. And on another level, at the same time, I realized to probably a more defined degree, how much contradictions are so evident. And they appear like a sudden jump in space in time. I also realized, simultaneously, how such could be more directed into seeing the whole and the moving parts - as life is consideration and expression at the same time. And, to had another level of my own inner movements, from being the same, I realized I feared what was said and discussed, with the reactions as beliefs, that more than likely, our conversation would be echoed through a group and spun in such a way that answering to the scattered beliefs would be a ripple effect that I feared “ causing.” As it would be me, in relation to all of this, that the questioning of things would be placed upon. And this, in a way that I had criticized what was basically a belief construct. Something that as personality and limitation would react and be cognitively dissonant from hearing anything else. Thus, addressing those fears is necessary. Especially, when overall, as always, the answer is in noticing the inherent contradictions and balancing them out into common sense. This means facing the storm of limitation. And, as was more visible in this moment, at the end of that day, it is something to be fearless within. A fearlessness that needs no second thoughts, no requirement of recognition, no sense of gain. Any of those things would hide the difference. 

This also helps me to realize in a more substantial way and means that the difference between being present and focused in respect of all things, has a direct correlation to the amount of contradiction in what is said as the very words we speak. Thus, as I said before, it is all a math. And, the focus of the body, within and as accepting limitation, is visible. Moving into what is natural, as something like hearing that grass grow, will take time, and yet most likely open up in a moment as something that was always, in all ways in plain sight, and very natural.  I suppose being able to do that, would also mean one would be able to see one’s own means of separation from that, in a moment. And, know it so well, one would never ever make the choice to return to ignorance. It is that the less one believes one can move one’s self here in this reality, the greater one’s distance is from reality, and the more resonant chaos of ideas, beliefs and opinions one has spinning within one as a false god. The more this is one’s state of being, the more difficult it is to pick up a hammer and hammer in a nail, so distracting is one’s resonant ghost. The potential ensuing verbal drama’s are a form of entertainment, from having played a video game for so long, the focus has a hard time being changeable back into remembering that life is all things, and thus the physical living reality is the starting point of who and what we are as life. It is life in expression and it is here.

Self forgiveness to follow… 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear emotional movements, as expressions as beliefs, as ideas, within and as the very focus as form within and as the physical living flesh as the body.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as ideas, beliefs and opinions as making a projection of ideas, beliefs and opinions larger than life itself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breath, to slow down and to use myself as life, in tandem with this physical living flesh that is me here, to see realize and understand that life is here in plain sight, that the focus as a from, as a movement of the physical body as the flesh as this earthly living form, is life, and as such can build an inner focus of separation from common sense, visible when one listens to the words being spoken and look at the movement of the person in plain sight, as the lens of the body reveals the focus of the body here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that processing the inFORMation of what is here, is what is innate about who and what I am as life as the physical and as such can see, and feel that focus of the body and hear the contradictions as the words, as the sounds as the forms from the body here, and within this, I am able to address the information and the focus of the body to see realize and understand imbalances and discover what makes sense as what is best for all here as life, as the means is always in all ways here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand the correlation to being emotional and being present here, as the difference is visible, in the focus and the words of the from as the physical body as the person as the human as the life that is here as life is simply here, whereas projections distort focus and expression of self as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a character of and as a quality of being surreptitious, where I listen and maintain a distance from being here, which in itself is being a watcher, without taking actions that move into what balances the within, to the without, the above to the below, to realize the value is being here, equal and one in consideration of all things as all that is is myself in another life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to tense up, within and as my chest area, to shut down looking here, within and as allowing myself to fear emotions, which are basically not having enough information, and as such causing a state of separation and limited thin-king here, as well, a from of protection and defense as a consequence of avoiding consideration of all things in a moment, because of an idea of a fear of loss, when the real loss is a lack of considering all things, where in so many ways, the simple is usually the answer, often visible in retrospect, revealing that the polarized chaos is also a system, one that morphs in many ways and can appear overwhelming, when within this the patterns are similar, and as such, able to be addressed without any emotional reaction within myself here, as I am life and I am here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to slow down and decompose what is around me to see realize and understand the correlations evident in the difference between being focused here, in respect of all things and being in protection and defense in relation to hiding a lack of being able to process the projections of beliefs, opinions and ideas, and the difference of being present and in recognition of all things as the realization that life is physical and in plain sight here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize in every moment, the power of being focused here, and not reacting to limitation, but to rather focus on the form that is here, in every moment, as the difference between being focused and what is essentially being scattered as living as knowledge and information, instead of being practical and in respect of life as the physical, because the physical is life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel ashamed at the extent to which I focused ONLY on the emotional content of and as the fear, the false evidence appearing real, as the projection of ideas, beliefs and opinions, that are recognizable in the polarized, value judgements that are basically a denial of being present, as a value judgement is an association to an idea, as the very quality and nature of such, which is a signature of being scattered and thus insecure, and thus in a state of loss of common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize the math of what it means to be scattered, that is visible, as in the very focus of the body, as the presence is absent, because at the end of the day, each and every one of us knows the difference, which is why what we practice is what we become, as what we practice is what we allow, which leaves a mark, because separation causes a lack of focus, and thus a lack of capacity, and thus a lack of security and stability.

I forgive myself for being locked in limited associations within and as the very focus of myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to read through things like troll letters, especially the really long ones, because they bring forward the patterns of cognitive dissonance, in their very form and function meant to cause frustration and discord, as things are triggered through label and name calling and seemingly invisible threats as the “ you are either against us or with us” scenarios which is a form of limiting information as revealing the whole and the moving parts.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing a storm, to fear being confrontational, as in reality, fearing to be confrontational, within and as common sense, reflects the degree to which one is lacking information as being grounded, as facing limitation and scatological thin-king,which is a gift because it means that one is essentially lacking in real seeing, in real living presence, in real movement as steadiness, as being grounded in consideration of all things here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that any form of self pity is a distraction from looking at what is here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have realized the difference between speaking as knowledge and information, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear to look here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear to look here, and to open this up, as I fear being accused of having done the same, and also within this, to realize that all manner of responses will be expressed as the very process of coming back down to earth requires processing the difference here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have not noticed the difference.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing a mind consciousness system that is of obvious shadow movement within and as the human physical body that is more constant as it is life, as this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remain steady in focus and purpose within and as realizing in thought, word , and deed that life is here, and that life is physical, as this is considering all things, and taking the good and ensuring no harm, to redirect into the value being life here as being in expression of creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to act, to behave in protection and defense within and as wanting to memorize structures to guide me in relation to, which is also an idea, that I must have a firm template or grasp, or both, to allow me, to prepare me to face what is here as a mind consciousness system that is a resonant form around the human physical body, as a projection of and as ideas about the past, which are basically unresolved beliefs as a fear of loss, in the order of being able to face something, which is a form of caution, and yet, any children, especially in earlier generations did not have this to the extent it exists today, and were able to see, and yet not be heard, as they did not yet have the means of communication, especially with parents who were lost in a limited narrative of limited values that were in an absence of considering all things as who and what we are here as physical states of being.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to relax, to remain calm, to see, especially within the experience, that when and as I look here, in some small moments what was discovered was of a greater understanding and a consequence  of being less emotional as a slow and subtle trust is built that enables me to face emotional storms with lending direction that resolves and discovers a more balanced state of being, which in itself as a form of realizing emotional charges as beliefs that lack respect of who and what we are as physical life, as life is physical and that physical is life, as it remains and is visible, is in plain sight here, and as such as a system of great inequality, what is the means of a few owning what is here put to promulgate a narrative that there is an after life, or to pretend “ love and light” when real love is the universal measure of and as “ to give as one would receive,” as this measure in practical movement, would create an existence where no one is in lack, as this is natural. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am disempowered.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe, that I have no power.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand how tiny is the projection of a mind consciousness memorized and self created inner resonant system is a construct of little value in that it has no real longevity, as was evident in the death of my father, thus the emotional storms of really of no significance, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself as my beingness, to see, realize and understand that it means to stand here, within and as describing the difference, to bring the gap between being focused here, in respect of all things as the physical living and breathing and expressing physical state called earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that at the end of the day, there is only here, this physical breathing expressing reality called earth.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that when and as I cannot hold a more complex form within me, I am showing myself to myself, as the very distractions of polarized values thwart my focus onto being one and equal within and as standing equal to a more complex form, which means that when and as I cannot stand one and equal to a more complex form of disassociation I am not grounded here, in reality, equal and one to this existence, for which there is no excuse, none, no “ soft love” as an idea is going to change this, as there is only standing equal and one with intent, especially as adults that can use words and communicate because I am no longer a child.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to process what is here as forms chest on here, as I understand that the heart as a much greater electrical field than does the head…., but more on that research later.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that even if this is true, it means that the suppression through the use of projection of an energetic visible field around the physical body, is of such thin stuff it is astounding that the heart is suppressed to the degree that it is…

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand those moments where “ troll” manage was in my space and to which I did not react, and instead if anything, looked at with curiosity, and within that realized the patterns and forms and was more effective in not triggering the emotional field, and as such answered to it in ways to allow it to discover itself, within and as asking it to repeat itself, as within the law of three, bringing something forward three times as a great effect, which is also in the bible.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to ask questions more, as making statements by nature places pressure to respond, which causes a discord within a state of separation as a person believing that their resonant belief system is more real than life here. 

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I am life and as life I am capable of standing one and equal to what are essentially resonant constructions of polarized values that has patterns to it, like patterns of grief, and is visible as we can only speak our experience here, thus we reveal even in silence where we are at, as the living breathing physical reality is in plain sight and of such magnificence that real life would be in expression in every moment, even in silence, as in a way, within and as intention, real understanding is a constant that cannot be denied.

Day 856 Walking out from behind the veil of ideas, beliefs, and opinions.

It is astounding how much everything is a math. Within this, to realize the extent of personality that one becomes within and as beliefs, opinions and ideas.  

The other day, I had a conversation with someone close to me. In a moment, I was aware of contradictory statements, and then, a “ state of being” as a personality. It is, though I have heard this before, a movement into a limitation, like holding a belief as a thing, and then in the next jumping into another context. Overall, a cognitive dissonance from the ordinary practical and physical reality that is here, in plain sight. 

The words, changed according to the personality. In one moment it was resisted, or reacted-to in relation to what I was conveying, and then in the next it was admitted to or acknowledged. What I noticed it that as I noted the two entities of belief, as expressed, as a contradiction, the different states of being, like a thing, like a mathematical formula in front of me.

Within this, I could also see that in the past, I would have reacted to the emotional content of one and agreed with the other to appease the initial emotional reaction. lol, at the same time that I write this, I realize that in working with others, I tend to relax when there is agreement, at the expense of covering some limitations that would most probably become a bounce back. Therefor, within this, having a situation where there is seeming agreement, there is also necessity to cover what is not being said. 

I suppose, as a child, seeing a state-of-limitation as a time line of built beliefs, would be a “ pain” in a way, and within myself, a reaction as a movement to move away from, ignore, avoid continuing or creating that tension of limited belief consuming the FOCUS of the body of the person. Yet, the realization that nothing can define a person, would enable one to have empathy as one moving beyond sympathy into real means and ways to allow a self discovery of balance and presence. Somewhat like turning a dial on a magnifying device in ways that uncover a limited and constructed focus of the body. Yet, I have found that uncovering things, when noticed and remembered, one as anything in this reality, there is a need of space process the uncovered, or discovered. Within this, one of the means of limitation is to give no space to actually process one’s experience. It is why, as I have discovered, our present government layer and spread things out, making it easy to hide what is real in plain sight and yet cause distraction to uncover the construct of the whole. Greed is a nasty business, one that kills the parasitical host as well as the victim. This understanding is probably there in the child, as the child enters this superimposed reality in reality. Processing that and learning to live with what is here, requires careful consideration, that one thing that is basically blocked within the demands of a limiting system. But then again, overall, it is like one giant computer game, where one must learn the inherent traps- even when they are spread out.

Yet, this is about inherent contradictions that are visible in a state of jumping beliefs within self interest. Self interest being a math that is separate from the practical and ordinariness of life manifest as the physical. This that would be a state of considering ALL things, FOCUSING the body on recognizing ALL THINGS. Of course, cross referencing all things, would mean to focus in the moment, as here. Focusing on memorized ideas, beliefs and opinions, would be a state of separation from being focused here. And, as humans are happy when they are doing, being focused here, would have a quality to it, one that would be more constant and calm. Most likely, when we are at our best self, the quality of our expression would be that of greater constancy, meaning of less contradiction. Again, it is all a math. 

In this moment, of which I speak, the contradictions as the expressions from this person I was communicating with, were suddenly visible. I, within myself, realized on one level, how influenced I had been by the emotional intensity of this person. And on another level, at the same time, I realized to probably a more defined degree, how much contradictions are so evident. And they appear like a sudden jump in space in time. I also realized, simultaneously, how such could be more directed into seeing the whole and the moving parts - as life is consideration and expression at the same time. And, to had another level of my own inner movements, from being the same, I realized I feared what was said and discussed, with the reactions as beliefs, that more than likely, our conversation would be echoed through a group and spun in such a way that answering to the scattered beliefs would be a ripple effect that I feared “ causing.” As it would be me, in relation to all of this, that the questioning of things would be placed upon. And this, in a way that I had criticized what was basically a belief construct. Something that as personality and limitation would react and be cognitively dissonant from hearing anything else. Thus, addressing those fears is necessary. Especially, when overall, as always, the answer is in noticing the inherent contradictions and balancing them out into common sense. This means facing the storm of limitation. And, as was more visible in this moment, at the end of that day, it is something to be fearless within. A fearlessness that needs no second thoughts, no requirement of recognition, no sense of gain. Any of those things would hide the difference. 

This also helps me to realize in a more substantial way and means that the difference between being present and focused in respect of all things, has a direct correlation to the amount of contradiction in what is said as the very words we speak. Thus, as I said before, it is all a math. And, the focus of the body, within and as accepting limitation, is visible. Moving into what is natural, as something like hearing that grass grow, will take time, and yet most likely open up in a moment as something that was always, in all ways in plain sight, and very natural.  I suppose being able to do that, would also mean one would be able to see one’s own means of separation from that, in a moment. And, know it so well, one would never ever make the choice to return to ignorance. It is that the less one believes one can move one’s self here in this reality, the greater one’s distance is from reality, and the more resonant chaos of ideas, beliefs and opinions one has spinning within one as a false god. The more this is one’s state of being, the more difficult it is to pick up a hammer and hammer in a nail, so distracting is one’s resonant ghost. The potential ensuing verbal drama’s are a form of entertainment, from having played a video game for so long, the focus has a hard time being changeable back into remembering that life is all things, and thus the physical living reality is the starting point of who and what we are as life. It is life in expression and it is here.

Self forgiveness to follow… 

Day 835 My own suppression through accepting being " hurt." What is " #HURT"

I was talking with someone and in the moment, wrote a “ rant.” It was me reviewing not only my own emotional hi-story but also, at the same time, looking at the overall direction of the family into which I was born. It is somewhat akin to looking for a “ truth” in the overall picture of my life. This is based on the realization that most likely there is an inherent truth to many things. Even if that small degree of “ truth” is buried under a spaced out, scattered dialogue of practiced separation. That default of lacking self responsibility and real self trust. 

At the end, a sense came up of myself, standing in a home space as a child making the decision that “ if you want me to be “ hurt” I will be “ hurt.” It was like I was in an inner statement I made the decision to be, in a moment, as a response to my environment, as the adults that were my parents that are products of the same system that lead me to make the statement in that moment as myself. That memory is like a shadow, a movement, a FOCUS. I can pull this up and read it. I was pretty small, as many of such memories have a sense of the angle of my body looking up, a certain tilt to the head or direction of focus within my body, as a narrowing down to a point. What I see is that experience within me, not yet able to remember the greater field around me. I am inward focused. 

Reminds me of another memory. I am speaking, but not speaking, I am running, outside. The grass and the trees are there. I turn and speak to a tree and say “ But I want to play.” 

I remember interacting with something in NY when I was around 17 I believe. We communicated as words, with presence, but nothing was said out loud. I also wondered at some point in my life why I had no control of somethings within me. I had no control of the shifts. What had I mastered? 

In making the decision to be “ hurt” I was being spiteful. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was a child. 

In making the decision to be that, I had to stop being something else, because I was making a decision to be something! 

In effect, I shut down the ability to define, which is what I was doing to make the choice to be “ hurt.” I also realize in making that decision, an emotional one, a value judgement, no matter if my environment was that which I perceived and labeled as this, I was not answering to that which I defined as “ hurt.” And, I just realized that within this moment, no physical “ hurt” was actually happening, meaning no one was physically doing something to me. So, it was not about a physical “ hurt.” 

What comes up in this moment, is something within me that speaks up at times. I would get in trouble at times in school for asking the “ wrong” questions. The “ trouble” part often confused me, because most often I simply blurted something out- meaning I don’t remember having a conscious thought before speaking. Also, ironically, when I did this, I tended to gather people around me that were of more support for me. Ironic how that happens. It is to say that those moments when I asked a question without forethought, that triggered reactions in some, also brought me the people who gave the most unconditional support. 

I remember one time when I was teaching a class and being watched for a grade for a degree. I was moving at ease, and suddenly questioned the direction I was heading in with the students. I stopped and pulled back, even though the students were really engaged. My professor then told me that I was doing great, and asked me why I stopped when I was heading in a great direction? I remember feeling that perhaps I was opening things up too much, and should be more in control within following the script. That opening of of engagement with the students appeared too “ free” in my inner comparison of what the system wanted as a behavior. I remember the students changing in that moment too. as though they sensed that I was doing what they expected of the system, but were experiencing as something different. They too had lived what I had lived. A silence ensued in the room and I knew that somehow I had let an opportunity go. Secretly I was ashamed. Yet, I let this experience allow me to be more open and follow through with how I interacted with students. It is that, “forgive myself, and make sure I never do that again.” And, that some people would most probably like myself “ not going in that direction.”

All these stories show me, as a reflection overall, because I can only speak my experience, that I can feel. I am able to sense the space. That I myself have shut down and moved into a selective reasoning that is choosing the “ hurt.” The “ hurt” being a form of self suppression, of real feeling suppression. That part of myself that blurts out those sudden questions that trigger annoyance in some, and respect from others. That part of myself that realizes with a consequence of shame, that I created more “ hurt” because I feared allowing something to flow in a moment, that must have been “ real” flow because I had captured the attention and participation of many children. I had captured the movement out of “ hurt” and was instead moving into discovery. Then I shut it down because I had made the decision to be “ hurt.” I had made the decision to stop feeling, to shut down, to participate in the behavior of those that did not like certain questions. I had shut myself away from those who supported me when I was natural and more real. I had become what I hated that lead me to make the decision to be “ hurt.”

I remember another class in high school where a teacher labeled me. I made the decision to never speak in her class again. And I did it. I pretended she was not there when called on. My classmates would turn and look at me, with dismay. I remained silent. I remember the teacher moving in a tense way, up there in the front. She realizing that perhaps she had gone too far, embarrassed and afraid because basically she had lost control of her class. My best friend asked me why I was not answering and talking. I remained silent, and would not answer. I was being “ hurt.” lol, though I have to say the dynamics were interesting to say the least. I want to tell myself I created an opportunity and learned more about cause and effect. My choice was not necessarily a good one, but I did learn from it. Though as well, I can feel this movement being at its core, a frustration, a sadness, a disillusionment. The same quality of those students in that later experience. a deep silence, a giving up, an acceptance. 

What if I recognized this and used that part of myself that sensed that teacher moving into stress and constriction and uncertainty while I was sitting there appearing to be reading a book while sensing that movement in the space of and as the constriction in the teacher? And instead of probably at first being glad, ( don’t remember that) but then having a sense of dis-ease at that movement in that adult who most probably had realized she had not made the best decision in relation to communicating with me. No one really wants conflict because it can lead to problems within their job. 

What if I opened up that part of me that has no thinking going on that asked those unwanted questions, and that part of me that turned and talked to a tree, and that part of me that had a conversation with a “ entity” without speaking, and that part of me that opened up taking things apart to understand them? What if I opened up feeling the space? I most probably, had asked my mother a question that was once again not answered, and grew frustrated when I was most likely shut down, just as I had shut down others? What if I allowed that part of me that blurted out those seemingly “ unwanted” questions? What if I remained in the space seeing the moving parts, the mirages of this same thing I was doing within and realized that this is not what anyone really wants to be? 

lol, I will be saying a lot of things people do not want to hear. But so be it. 

It is not what is said, most of the time, it is how it is said. One can curse but the message is too clear to notice. I don’t really enjoy a lot of cursing and do believe that things can be communicated without it. Yet the other day I watched a man speak up about something, with a lot of cursing, yet his message was really simple and clear. In that moment, I saw the message as more important than the delivery. In today’s world sometimes a more edgy delivery is needed. It gets the job done. If a person can exhibit an awareness of this, and not be that all of the time, and perhaps use it to make a point, I see it as being okay. If I had to listen to it all of the time, it would become too much. Most likely people who are able to make a clear and succinct point most probably do not curse all of the time, and instead use this form to emphasize their point. It is somewhat ubiquitous in our world today. 

It is, therefore time to practice feeling, without the hurt shield. It is time to use the core of me that can feel that space, that can talk to trees, that can have fun looking at something and going in whatever direction the looking-at-something or focusing-on-something, the narrowing of my presence in a moment onto something that is  required and natural. Being engaging/ engaged is using feeling. Being engaging is being present. Being engaging is moving beyond being shut down, being unaddressed, being pushed away for asking an unmeditated question. 

This is the word, engage, and engaging for the day. For this moment. 

Day 641 The matrix of limitation, a tiny life.

Getting lost in the patterns falling down from my mind and believing the emotional bodies building within my lower back.

I have been standing and facing people this summer with greater intensity than in the previous months. Within this, I begin to not only see my own patterns of reaction as my beliefs, but also, the ‘ songs’ of others as their spin on reality as the words they speak and the physical reactions some so carefully condense in small physical movements, hiding anxiety and forcing a suppression of themselves as life - their full potential to be equal to life as the physical.

Yesterday, I was at a gathering of people discussing problems and looking for solutions. After the death of my husband, where I had lost everything that I had built to define me, to survive, I had noticed that people were more often than not, projecting their words in such a way as to substantiate and validate their own constructed self definitions, and that within this, no single one was hearing or seeing another person. It was like a circle of people self validating without any awareness of anything but that story in front of their eyes, like a televised event only they could see. The words they used a projection of information they cross referenced within an effort to reinforce their own constructions of meaning. A meaning that over all was in separation from reality.

Yesterday, when an ex-teacher listened to a school administrator, she said, you speak with nouns, and make things sound so pretty, but it has no real solution. I was astounded and am so thankful for this woman’s words, it opened a door for me that I had only deciphered in my mind , yet had not seen in action. Suddenly, it was as though every person was a ‘ tenor’ so-to-speak and I was within that objectivity where I heard the words of others as a ‘ song’ so to speak. The gamut of the quality of the words so extremely limited, yet some of the parts holding a truth. Such a very narrow focus overall.

It is not really any different than a pop tune. Limited and very narrow within its expression. More of a whine, with a depressed quality that is depressing into self pity as an endless game that is used to define one’s self. It is like to say, “ if I listen to the tune, I can ride the ‘sea’ of my belief and continue in a depression of my own self accepted suppression .” Such a lot of work, lacking ease, causing a death instead of a transformation.

And yet, it is to listen to the parts, to take that which is good and begin to ground this into reality, into seeing the full gamut of physical living. This entity of belief, cannot define me unless I accept and allow it. It is just like a ghost in a machine, that ghost believed to be more real than that on which is rests as the physical. It is like the matrix movie where the information flows down and covers reality. Where one only sees the information, and not what is real as the very substance of the physical that is the means of this ghost- a measure that is limited, extremely so. One can realize this in the loss of awe within every moment in one’s life. That awe that a child can express in the simplest of things. That awe is that which can slow down and notice the cells in a blade of grass creating a blade of grass, an expression of life, here.

I have in the last weeks, sensed within me a weight that at moments I realize, in this moment here, a sense that the switch from a mind consciousness to respecting what is life as the physical, is impossible. There is too much to move through, and this has caused this weight and it is composed of what beliefs I have accepted and allowed to define me. I am to blame, and to correct what I have accepted and allowed within me, as a mind consciousness only, my own separation from life. No one can ‘ clean this up’ but myself because I am here with this. It means to give up everything to have everything. And it is a process that never ends, it is a journey to life. It is the solution. It is to forgive my self accepted and allowed mind consciousness in separation from life.

One of the physical things that I have noticed in the last weeks is that my body appears to me to be saying, ‘ SLOW DOWN.” And, I mean this in a way that appears to move against any sense of logic I have learned as a mind consciousness system. I have also believed that this is myself getting older, and then there is a fear attached to this, so within this, there is this sense as a belief that I am getting older, and also this sense that this slowing down is myself becoming more aware. The two things happening at the same time. And yet, with this experience yesterday, this slowing down has allowed me to see more of the existent patterns that a mind consciousness exists as. This moves against all belief as my mind consciousness! It is like giving up what is believed to be a truth, as this rushing, to find that this directive as slowing down is really the answer to grounding myself into seeing the patterns of separation from the physical world. This is like working with more than only being in my mind. And here, I must always remind myself that I tend to turn things into ideas. 

I must ask myself, ‘ How can something so limited be impossible to breach?” Overall, this is an illusion, because ultimately it cannot be impossible to breach! It is like seeing the smoke and mirrors and realizing they can be dispersed  and that overall the nature of this illusion is so lacking in any real substantive measure to believe it is real and can influence one’s self has only the power one gives to it!

Ironically, there are no mis-takes, as bringing the limitation as a lesser construction as belief as a mind consciousness, is walking the illusion back into life. Thus all reactions are not to be taken personally, and instead immediately assessed and directed  into what defines life as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the ghost in the machine is a mind consciousness that is of extreme limitation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand the weight of my own separation as ideas, beliefs and opinions that have no real substantiating quality with and as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see my own constructs as mind, and realize the extreme limitations that they exist as, a composition of inferiority to life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear standing equal and one with and as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand the information I have accepted and allowed as belief, as opinion, as idea, a measure about reality, that is not equal to reality, as the physical, as this was here before any culture was what I accepted and allowed from day one, as a child.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that I as a self accepted and allowed mind consciousness cannot change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to point out how much we humans exist as a mind consciousness, when we accept the idea of ‘ mindfulness’ as what we have as information passing in our minds as thoughts composed of words, built of past experiences, can be ‘ breathed through’ and not become what directs us, which means we can understand that what is in our minds is not who we can decide to be, here, thus, we can see, realize and understand that as humans we take in a measure, as belief, opinion and idea, and believe that to be more real than reality, and can use breath to stand outside of thoughts, yet we must realize that what we think is not what is real as being a measure equal and one to life, as the physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing this wall of information as mind, and interrupting the patterns of belief, opinion and idea, in such a way as to deconstruct and reconstruct the limitation, within and as sensing reality as the physical, taking that which is good and does no harm, to move into solutions that can withstand the test of time and be of support for all life, realizing that life is the value and the means to live a life in expression that is of a potency that includes all life here.

When and as I find myself becoming heavy, within and as my legs, I stop and I breath, and I assess my own self accepted and allowed limitations, as I slow down and breath, grounding myself here, taking the space to assess my ghost in my machine as a mind consciousness I accepted and allowed, to realize my own self accepted and allowed inferiority, and I slow down some more, until I can begin to reconstruct my insight ability to be directive in not only answering to limitation, and also, moving into solutions that give structures that ground which is to open doors and allow self discovery, in all the joy that self discovery brings as this is what I would want for myself, as this is what I would want for any child as me, here.

When and as I find myself having a thought within this ‘ as the norm of the system, that I am getting older” I stop and I breath, as this is, in this moment as how I see this, a measure as a mind consciousness as a program that I am getting heavier with the h-oldings of belief as a limited mind consciousness built in separation of life as beliefs, opinions and ideas, here.

When and as I find myself becoming heavy in and as my legs, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I begin to see, realize and understand the measure of my fear, the measure of my belief, the measure of my inferiority to life here.

When and as I find myself becoming heavy within and as my legs, I stop I breath, I slow way down, as in a sense this is my physical body telling me to slow down, as the weight is a rush that does not ground me here, that does not answer practically to here, which brings up a memory of myself rushing at times, like a moment of suddenly standing up and bumping into someone, as I begin and allow myself to chase a desire, at times to appear engaged, with a excitement in ‘ having something to do’ lol

When and as I find myself becoming heavy within and as my legs, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, as this is a memory as a ghost in the machine as myself as a physical sentience, as life, here, following a limited construction of belief, opinion and idea, in separation from respecting life, the means of which is manifest as a physical form here.

When and as I find myself becoming heavy within and as my leg areas, I stop I breath I slow myself down, I realize the habit of my limited belief as a mind consciousness system, and I assess my limitation and practical reality, to self correct the limited beliefs I have allowed to define me within survival,  where I see motions of anger, and desire to blame and spite, project and imagine, fantasize and dream, and I continue to slow down, to name the self accepted and allowed separation, as belief, opinion and idea, until I begin, step by step, to deconstruct and align myself here, into what moves with humbleness and ease, having no fear and being forgiving as this is what I would want for myself as life.

When and as I find myself becoming heavy, within and as my legs, I see, realize and understand that my natural physical ease is showing me where I am walking in limitation, and instead of moving into self validation, as ideas, beliefs and opinions, I assess the weight of my own inferiority, realizing justifications warped into superiority, assessing the practical world around me, discovering it through bringing my own self definitions as ideas into what does no harm as a practical state of being, and allows the self discovery that has the nature of an awe of and as the world as creation ever present around us/myself here.

When and as I find myself speaking in nouns, or being in the presence of nouns as words, where things as ideas are turned into pretty icons, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I assess the difference between living words where words are directive into creating directives that allow the self discovery of real practical living in ways that allow the potential of every man to live a full life,  here.

When and as I find myself , within this moving into righteousness, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, I see, realize and understand that this is wanting a quick fix, and myself rejecting life here.

When and as I find myself becoming heavy within and as my legs, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand I must assess my accepted and allowed belief system as a mind consciousness system, and name the limitation assessing the energy as blame and spite, projection of a filmy entity onto objects, hiding from being self responsible to and towards life here.

When and as I find myself becoming a weight as fear, as a limitation, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, I assess the movement of myself in thought and word, and the directive as myself as a mind consciousness deed, I forgive, and step into the unknown, seeing realizing and understanding that there are no mis-takes, only a process of grounding myself here, equal and one to what does no harm to discover what is best for all. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTKAISStf4c