In looking at words and what memories come up, a thought and memory came up with the word ‘ upon,” which means to be “connected with.” I read this word as up on, and then I was in a memory of sitting in an orchestra section and having the thought “ Move up on.” It was the idea that I had to move up, move forward, move upon the seating placements in front of me. That being forward had more value than where I was. The motivation to be more than what I was within a picture of one thing being more than another and defining me.
Such a movement is not good or bad, but being the motivation to appear to be more was a distraction from being what I was , where I was, and giving my attention to what I was doing. Having a thought, a judgement, was myself as mind paying attention to an idea within a structural belief of hierarchy, and not myself seeing the whole and the parts, realizing that in space and time, there really is no difference. And, to know, that when a section leader plays really loud as a means to leading, it is really annoying, because the sound of the group, the section, should be balanced, where it sounds as though it is one, all as one. So, each part is really equal, and it is only the illusion of one seat, placement being more than another.
This is also me competing, believing that I must compete to prove myself, where the proof of being present, in this scenario, is to perform in a way that joins each seat with the other so that the sound is stable, able to be heard and balanced, so the section can respond to the other sections of the group and as such, hear all the interplay, which is what is fun in playing anyway!
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought ‘ I have to move upon”, as up-on the front of the section, becoming connected to the front of the section.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that being up on the front lines gives me greater value than being behind on the section in seating placement.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect “ upon” with a personal value of myself in relation to society.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine myself being of greater value were I to be upon the front lines of the orchestral section.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define value with my placement in a group, meaning I have more value if I am on the front lines of the group.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to distract myself from paying attention to the whole in and as thinking that I would have more value on the “ front lines” of a group.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define upon within the measure of where i am from a limited perspective in and as being placed in a spot, in a group.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from where i am, to imagining where I should, or could, or would be, and what that imaginative idea would create as a value of what I would be defined as in separation from myself here, being equal and one to and as what I am doing and where I am here as being the value of life as what is real, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become such a thought as “ I have to move upon” to prove my self worth, and as this meta-physical idea, separate myself from seeing directly here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how this one thought creates a sinking feeling from my head into my chest, where I become a self judgement of being this thought, that I am less than because of my position, and within this, creating a heavy feeling, occupying myself with an idea of more than and less than, and limiting my ability to grow and expand in awareness as my attention is on idea, instead of a focus of equal measure to and as practical reality, as it is only here than I can change, see, and equalize myself to practical actions that enable me to reach the full expression of and as myself as life, here.
When and as I find myself having a thought such as “ I have to move upon,” I stop and I breath, and I realize what values I am accepting and allowing to determine a definition of myself as a more than and/or a less than, and I slow down, and I see, realize and understand that the value is life, and that i am here, and that I can only move myself from here, from where i am, and that it is only from here, that I can hear what is here, as an idea in and as my mind, is just this, an idea, and not what gives me life, and enables me to direct and move, as i am here as a physical beingness, the way and the means of and as life, thus, what is real, where growth happens in thought word and deed is paying attention to here, to the physical.
When and as I find myself becoming an idea, as a thought, I stop and I breath, and I bring myself here, equal and one, breathing, to be in common sense of practical reality, looking at what steps I can take in one moment that direct me to the next step as this is the way and the means of life, as life in expression, as, in all common sense, life will.
When and as I find myself becoming an emotion of believing myself to be less than, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I forgive the memory, as the thought, as the emotion being the accumulation of and as such thought, and I bring myself back to practical reality, to realize a common sense measure as the physical, and I become the principle of what is best for all, as that which does no harm and takes that which is good, to see realize and understand myself as life, here, equal and one.
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