One of the things I have encountered in my life is how to carry on a conversation. I remember my husband asking me this one time.
It would be difficult to carry on a conversation, if one had a lot of memories coming up, with emotional poles, pulling one in a direction. It would cause a lot of dissonance and distraction within the body, as the self tried to ‘ do the math’ of what was within and what was actual without. The whole idea of making conversation in such an abundant world, is in itself a red flag. After all, what does ‘ opening a window’ to discovery ‘ mean. Everything that moves us is right here, thus why should there be any form of confusion, especially when a baby is obviously working so hard to take in and realize the patterns of life moving around them? It is the same confusion that creates the belief that having a conversation is difficult. I mean, how can children living in a home where the adults play an instrument learn the same so fast? Is it that they simply take in the movements and see the patterns. They see what is around them. They do the math. This is natural, what inhibits that is unnatural. How can such a simple thing become such a confusing mess?
After all, it is known in education that a child, in the past, is not ready for school until they are about 6. just enough of a seven year cycle, for the child to absorb a construction of information, or a structure to become resonant within the body, for the child to direct themselves. The problem with this, is that the ability to process information also slows down- which means something is not in synch. That slowing down is an indicator of becoming more of a toxic layered onion of dissonance than a real tree of understanding, meaning a real structural resonance of capacity in retaining a real presence that processes not only a toxic onion but also the practical actions that are effective in being present in the physical reality. If we look, so many of us are not effective in the practical physical reality. We find practical actions difficult, when they always need only small steps that accumulate into getting something done. It is a huge thing to realize what limits one from being what is simply natural. A real ‘ tree’ of understanding would be the absence of distraction from practical doing, as the real magic is in the doing. Naturally, on some level, we all know this, thus, the absence of this would build into a self hate. One knows one is discombobulated ! Could it be some form of shadow, projected by the self that is what causes the dissonance of this sound reality?
About a month ago, I did not realize what it was that I was within, as standing within. I remember leaving an interaction with another person, and thinking “ it was so thick one could cut it with a knife.” I mean, why say, or think something like that? Why do we tell ourselves what it is that we are being and seeing? Why not follow though and do the math, and realize my/our self created I'm-positions that are actually a separation from this living reality?
I mean, we have things that are for writing out and taking apart our ‘ moods,’ which begs the question as to what a ‘ mood’ is? Is that ‘ mood’ what is the resonance of what is re-cord-ed within us, that eventually slows down our ability to process what is around us? What do we use to communicate that? How can that technology, where tech is ‘ skill’ be a formation as a word, as a sound, that one can fill with polarized meanings that as that sound project outside of us, and we search for someone who matches as close as possible the color and signature of that projected thing, as sounds as words, that are a separation from being grounded and practical and in the presence of this world, of all that is here, as this reality, which is including this physical reality. It is the most simple of things, and yet, that distraction, appears to be so HUGE- lol, what do we mean when we say and elephant is in the room? Can’t run, can’t hide, it is around you, accepted by you, and no one but yourself can clean it up. All the thin-king’s men and all the thin-king’s animals, cannot clean this up, because one must come to recognize one’s thin-king patterns, what generates them, and then forgive them and refocus onto reality.
I remember a moment where, a few years ago, I became so angry about something, that that anger almost consumed me. I just stopped in one moment and said to myself, ‘ This does nothing, even if I am correct and what I am reacting to is unacceptable.” I just stopped.
Yesterday, I was talking with someone, and realize that behind me, as me, was this colored torrent flowing down- within me. It was doom and gloom, all in self judgement. It was not about anyone from the present or the past, it was myself as a ‘ state of belief’ as ideas, about me, mostly about me not being good enough. Mostly of and as voices that I am not capable, that I am ‘ too far gone’ , that I am too much this, or too much that etc. etc. .
Another thing that comes up, in this torrent, rented tower of belief, polarized into blame and spite, is within a group of people, that practiced one thing in one area and another thing in another area. They wanted to ‘ get rid of me’ within something. The forked tongue was at work. I want to feel hurt, and yet another part of me, like a lion wants to roar, and really roar. There have been times in my life, where I have roared, and everything around me stops. My sisters have told me when do this, it is very powerful and that I do not realize how powerful. If I take my own words, within this set of posts, as LOOKING, and reactions being a state of self hate, I realize that the resistance was of and as a self hate. Though I have not mastered this, if I realize that life is in reverse, dare I say, I must have much more power than I realize to intimidate a movement of self hate towards me. And yet, a focus on this silly petty game of survival, is not worth moving into. Let it go. I am, on the other side of the world anyway.
I really don’t want to rush and prove something, and I don’t want to carry this with me. I no longer want to follow the crutches of any other mapping system but the physical reality around me. I can only model, as what I have said to classroom children, ‘ the magic is in to doing.” lol, it is probably this same attitude that is so intimidating.
I notice that if I ‘ sink’ - lol sinking is a sym=phonic with synching! - within that down-ward spiraling ‘ shadow’ behind me, my back starts to hurt, as though sinking compresses me. And when I stand within this, and acknowledge it, and move to change it, I expand in some way, and the pain does not shoot out. It is somewhat like that state in holding up a violin, for hours, where there is a balance, that creates a state of no tired-ness. One can play for hours without getting tired. Thus, I either sink or synch! lol
I mean what else is there?
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to always judge movements and things around me, without regard for this reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to focus only on the storm, as a means of protection and defense, to survive, when real survival means seeing here, the practical and physical reality, that is creation in expression, where the means to the end is in plain sight here, and no one and no thing can define who and what I am, outside of the practical, as a value judgement but myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create my own cognitive dissonance as a mind consciousness system of layers, toxic and separating as self interested actions only, from who and what I am here as life, that is physical, and that is all around me as me, where all things are me in another life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am sinking down below others, as an idea that I lack capacity, when the part of me that can see this colored difference is the same part of me that can resolve this difference and reform it, to realize a synchronicity with who and what I am as a physical beingness on a physical planet, that is creation information, as what is real is in plain sight, thus I can blame no one and only stand in equity with what is real as the physical here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear loosing something, as what this resonant math, as a composition of value judgements is and does as an idea - logo only, is fear, which is not here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use innocence on one level, to hide behind, which has a color, of and as “ I have not seen this before’ and a ‘why have I not seen this before’ which already presupposes a value as a self definition of ignorance, that then compounds into ‘ I am not enough’ which has a value of and as “ I am supposed to be something already’ etc. and so it spins and I am so busy with this that I miss reality, and for this I forgive myself.
Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want a gain, as to want a more, as to have judged something as being more, and moving into absorbing this more to be a more from a point of believing I am less, that then races towards a more- than, all a movement in separation from being here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to sink within and as me, as this, as the cognitive attention dis-order creating dissonance is myself in separation from being practical, focused and present, in respect of this living reality here, that is physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abdicate myself as life, into and as this state of dissonance composed of value judgements, distracting myself from being in synch with what is in plain sight as the physical which is creation here, that is the same as me, as all is life, and thus myself in another life, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand , from another memory, of myself in elementary school, where the words and the sounds, suddenly started to become this soup in front of me, as they moved around, as though it was something outside of myself, yet it was myself in isolation as this, and this sense of things suddenly moving around, like soup, is myself in a soup, which is a kind of looseness, and the memory itself, myself lost in a mind consciousness system, already in separation from being focused and grounded here, thus, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself acknowledging that which can be seen and touched, sensed and realized as a projection accepted and allowed by the self, and thus, not who and what I am here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how this physical becomes manifest, as a movement within me, that resonates through the physical, asa subtle down turning of the sides of my mouth.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see , realize and understand this physical movement in and as the sides of my mouth, turning into a kind of pout, as a down turning, as a physical expression of sinking down, as not being enough, as hopelessness, as what is before me being too much, all an illusion, and not being in a balance, being effective, being present, being in synch as being in respect of this physical reality, that is an expression of and as creation as life, all around me, as the equal sound of creation, balanced, light, and always here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand, with hindsight, this not to be taken as a given, given that memory warps and changes, that when and as I moved into a state recognizing this ‘ sinking’ within and as me, I can not remember moving myself out of it, as though an interruption is always present in that moment, like a blocking distraction for me to not see realize and understand that movement within and as me, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to embrace this part of me, this character of and as me, that I have created, that I allow to be built, that I composed from judgement, and to encompass this, to place this sinking into synch with this living, expressing, balanced in what does not harm and takes what is good, to respect the practical here, as this living reality that is me, and that is the same as me, thus I take things back to myself and realize what I would want for myself, as I have enjoyed being given such moments myself.
When and a s I find myself sinking, and the sides of my mouth sinking down, I stop, and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I remember myself to what matters as this life, this physical reality that is creation in expression, here.
When and as I find my physical body moving to sink, as the sides of my mouth, I stop, I slow down, I breath, I embrace the energy as value judgements, and ground myself in the practical matter of and as creation as the physical, and I LOOK here, to realize synchronicity with and as who and what I am as expression of and as life as the creation all around me that is me, here.
When and as I find myself becoming a soup, as a loopyness within myself, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I ground myself in effective movement of and as the principle of equality and oneness, as doing no harm, as considering all things as me, in all ways, to be in respect of and as who and what I am, to stand in grace here, to be humble, calm, steady, present, available, in joy - as being in awe of here, as being grateful of life as who and what I am as the real matter here.
When and as I find myself turning down within and as me, as my thoughts, and as the down turning of the sides of my mouth, I stop, I breath, I slow down to move to embrace the sinking I am allowing, as value judgements, and I focus on the practical, the physical, as this creation as reality here. to see, realize and understand and have fun and be grateful for this opportunity to express who and what I am as I am life.
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