I noticed this morning a subtle bitterness surrounding me. Yesterday, I had entered a home after knocking on the door, which caused a dog in the home to become excited and bark. I was told not to knock because it excited the dog and to instead, enter without knocking. I noticed a slight irritation in the tone of voice used to convey this way of entry. I realized that in the heat of the moment, a peace interrupted, I might have reacted in the same manner. I let this go, because it lead to a place that was not productive. Later I went and reviewed the moment, to realize the switch.
Then, I noticed this bitterness that I have noticed before, become present in my own cycles of behavior that I am in the process of noticing. They are no longer as large, yet whispers of them exist. I ask to what was I not paying attention in that moment of sorting out my own habituated behaviors of protection and defense of myself, based on ideas of what defines who and what I am. In some ways, I could say I am more aware of a general field of movement around me, than only that of the emotional fears within and as me. It is, a change of focus, from a currency of inflamed values projecting a story of protection over a story of greater presence and consideration of all that is me here. It is coming back into the very fabric of this reality.
I looked at the sense of dread in the last couple of weeks, and upon moving to engage with others, this sense of “ what if” comes up. It is a question as to whether or not I can in deed, do that which I move to share with greater clarity, which is bringing more focus into the practical reality as that very fabric that composes who and what I am as a physical expression of life.
I reviewed accelerated learning techniques. One area has to do with right and left brain use. The maths, that are more detailed oriented, are left brain oriented. Music, dance, art and the investigation of global issues are more right brain oriented and have an outcome of increasing overall information processing speeds. The contrast of these physically demanding skill sets, and being aware of global movements, is telling in itself. Being aware of global movements would by definition demand a greater presence of the physical use of resources in this reality, thereby enhancing awareness of the physical use of self, just as music and dance and art does. My one son is studying art. I talked with him the other day about automation. As one masters a skill set in regards to art, as in music, one gets to a point where one notices that what one has built becomes automated and can run away with one, if one does not catch it. One must go back to the basics to ensure one does not become automated in one’s actions. This can appear to be tedious, because one has to slow down and relook at the small. That means slowing down the automated movement that can feel like a running train inside one. My son already has started to notice this, well, if he can, and I have, it is more natural than I make out here! Yet, these skill sets demand that presence because they involve physical movement and not only imaginative movement within a set framework of information. One is seeing movement in physical time and space, the medium demands it. To do, one must reference physical movement. I see global resource use and movement as something that demands paying attention to the physical reality, and thus, this is why such awareness is placed in right brain function. This is turn would build a greater ability to process information faster. One has a physical reference of a living fabric. In contrast, only referencing a set body of information memorized within, would by design move more slowly.
When I entered this home and had a slight reaction to a response towards my actions, that caused a momentary upset of behavior in the home, my focus on my own fear of definition, was a set box of beliefs that had nothing to do with the moment- even if the emotional response to my actions could have been cared for in a more gentle manner. It does not matter. I was distracted for a moment, on a belief, and though I could see around my own limitations in a moment, my own subtle reactions were still a distraction. They were also an automation, a running away of my own ideas about me, than any real movement in being present in the living fabric of reality; that reality that must be used in such skill sets that involve more right brain activity, such as music, art, dance and global issues. I wold say, imagine all your words being learned in reference to that fabric, instead of only a set body of information, or in protection and defense of inner beliefs that are a mis-use of a natural ability to be present and sense the very geometry of what is here as this physical reality?
I would think that such reference would create a more stable human being, as that same part of self that can with skill set development, be able to recognize automation, which is noticing a subtle and slight separation from what one generates within and the movement of reality around one. What is also interesting is that once one can notice this, automation setting in, one can more readily recognize it in the movement of others. It is to say, “ too late” it is too visible, meaning once noticed there is no going back. Yet even here one must be careful. The same could be said of belief systems. Which is why if one should notice this, it would cause conflict should one point this out, because in effect one is pushing on an entity - as a time line of a series of values that has rolled itself up into a ball and run away with itself - that entity is going to have a reaction as having to self realize and slow down and rebuild. That action in itself, is a change of pace that some may see as only a sudden change in itself. That change is not necessarily a bad, but can appear to be disruptive if one is only focused on the momentary change. Overall, developing a presence, the kind that is of the right brain being involved, would enable one to not only see the parts ( those automated events) but also the context within which such automations are moving. Yet again, this is what the physical engagement of music, art and dance, and looking at the movement on the greater stage as global movement, would by design build within the self. It gets pretty simple. It would be the same if one generated more words, or, had a mastery of words to the degree that one could read the overall generation and the self, as a relationship between the two, because one would begin to self realize what one generated as one would no longer have to think about the words as much. This is to place using language like paint, or notes, or a movement in and of itself, and to have the contrast of how resources are moving on a global scale, and how language is both a means to seeing patterns and being placeholders of information thereby improving memory skills and what distracts one from seeing the real fabric of earth, as the physical. Chaos is really being caught in a storm in a teacup. Yet that chaos made huge, as an inflammatory story, of limited values, is the stuff of distraction. I believe Noam Chomsky has said that people are distracted through huge arguments in a narrow focus/framework.
One of the qualities that allow recognition of automated behaviors is a sense of being incomplete, which has a nature of restlessness to it. On some level the amazing ability of the self to understand automation, is to realize that somehow one has lost a stable foundation, as a mastery of self direction. At the same time, when realized as such, it becomes visible that allowing automation within to determine the self, has no long term gain. There is a sense that the rush is simply not worth it, its promise one of a false positive. One must pull back into what has greater longevity, to what can withstand the test of time. Probably more struggle with correcting this than we realize, because in the end we cannot but NOT notice this. And we each know when we are not correcting it. This is why all hate is really self hate. As who and what we are, we are the means of awareness, so we cannot but recognize what we are doing within ourselves.
I can see that even within writing this out, that bitterness I mentioned earlier, is really a state of fear. It is a state of fearing to lose something, which is really a means of showing myself that it is a demand within myself to slow down and investigate what is not in synch with what would being an ease of standing with what can be held that is always here all around me, as that very fabric of which I speak, that I need not fear losing, that the uncertainty can find constancy. It is a fear of building a mistake, instead of realizing the building of being in a place where one can recognize an inner automation running away with itself. It is to realize a faith in recognizing when one ‘s presence as placement of awareness is steady and not of an automation as being the capacity of what it means to be human. Most masters understand this, and have that kind of faith, the company of which is the realization of the benefits of patience. Thus bitterness is really where I have not slowed down and investigated the expression of a relationship that opens a sharing of being present, meaning, a sharing of being present with this very capacity within me to recognize automation. It is describing something by what it is not. Sometimes, resistance reveals a point of change. Sometimes, recognition of automated behaviors has a similarity in that one has come to a point of a need to include a greater awareness.
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