Wednesday, June 17, 2020

Day 844 Payperwork My allowance of distraction What is it showing

I realize that I have a fear of big brother. This comes up in moments when I am required as the system to fulfill paper work for the system. I have such an adverse relationship to getting paper work done, all those crossing of the letters and filling in the blanks.

It can give me a headache from overthinking about it. Usually, when I go and walk through the steps, it is never as bad as I anticipated. Within this, in relation to at times having made mistakes, usually there is some help to correct the mis-aligned information. The system workers usually wanting their own paper work to be complete and correct. So, why this resistance and anxiety in relation to paper work?

The other side of this is that I have recognized this, and walk completing it with specificity. I organize things in a way that I have the information at hand to quickly complete the task. It is leading up to this that the anxiety comes along, even despite my own organizing and completion.  I know to just do it, because if I don’t it is my own accumulating anxiety that will lead to more problems than not having completed the paper work! Though this is much smaller, I still get a headache in relation to doing such tasks and I still have some dread around this issue. 

IN effect, there remains issues within confrontation. Always, addressing limitation, or constructions of a narrow focus, the quality of which, for me, has this insistence to it, a constriction, a pressure. It is an anxiety of opening such things up. Or perhaps the opposite and realizing my own desires around this. And yet, what is real cannot be lost. Letting go is actually not that difficult when the outcome is realizing there is only one choice, and that is the choice to realize what will remain constant and withstand the test of time, so no baggage of covering a lie exists to be remembered to protect. That is not fun. Rather not go there. 

I also notice with all the hysteria on the news, I begin to feel overwhelmed, that sense of addressing an emotional fire-wall as being too difficult when often as I have experienced, and worked through, it means to repeat something, in same or different ways without any inner reaction, as though a FOCUS on a goal that is clear has an intent that can gather more attention even in the face of an emotional storm, but it does take patience and a steady pace. I have used this, yet am not yet consistent within this. There are probably moments in the “music” present, where key questions will move things closer to sensing a clearer intention/intension!  Someone can tell me about this, yet, like learning to ride a bike, it must be experienced. That takes doing, by the self, in real time. lol, in “ reel” time, meaning within the reeling emotions generating a movement in this present hyper tense reality while also realizing a constant within being equal to what is real and eternal on this earth. I liken this to realizing that a tree functions in so many giving and abundant ways, producing within pure giving and yet it pays no taxes, and requires no wage to be and do what it is in its form and function. The contrast may appear out of context but is it really ? No it is not. The gap between where we are as the present system and the pure giving function of a tree seems like too big of a jump. I have a sense that so many would react to such a concept, but in reality the difference is not so far fetched. 

The thing about being in an emotional fire wall of value judgements as reactions within poles of good and bad, is the un-complicatedness of realizing the simplicity of a tree because it would deny resonant beliefs that things need be complicated!  Once we know something, it is no longer complicated. As some doctors have said about how the body functions as “ it is not a rocket science, anyone can understand it,” so is it within and as most things. Once we understand them, we share because we realize it is understandable. It is a red flag when an administration or politician attempt to convince one that things are complicated -that simply means opening things up would expose self interest. This in itself reveals that hiding self interest exists in using chaos, hiding self interest exists behind a belief that things are complicated.  The complicated is being used as an end-game. The complicated has become god , as in the complicated has become normalized!  Repetition does not equal truth.  Recognize the red flags because they exist within patterns. Even a leaf on a tree has a pattern. Patterns exist in all structures, thus they are visible. Humans learn to walk all by themselves, thus we are amazing at understanding temporal/spatial geometry. 

It is one thing to  imagine a thing and another to stand with presence in the living movement and expression of what is real. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a sense of doom and gloom around doing the paper work of the present system.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be aggravated, to feel aggravated, to be an emotion of aggravation, and to hold onto that as a response of and as things should not be this way, of and as having a sense that the paper world is meant to consume the focus and presence and life of and as me, to distract from being aware of patterns in the greater whole, as the system, which in itself is a fear, a fear of believing that I cannot process the information and a “thing” that takes up my space where I would rather focus on other things, when in effect, and especially with some systemic computer software tools I can organize my expenses a little at a time, and remove the accumulation of doing paper work, as this is one of the advantages of modern technology, and thereby freeing myself to to focus on other things, or from another perspective be more aware of my own habits and attentions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that when and as I react to having to do paper work, I am reacting in a way of self interest, because I am aggravated that I am distracted from focusing on what i want to focus on, which begs the question as to what I desire to focus on, which I am not sure of because I have allowed myself to focus on the lack, to focus on what I have judged as a force or thing hindering my focus, which in itself creates a resistance to something which in itself is a state of friction that is taking up my attention and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand, even though I have organized the steps to get this paper work done in a timely and orderly manner, there remains this value judgement behind this, within this, as being aggravated by having to do this busy work, all of which could be automated today, to free myself to, as the human up to be able to focus on other things, like planting a garden, for example, yet I understand that any movement of resistance or aggravation, is a distraction, and thus I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, causing inner friction and separation from remaining simple and present as being in that space where the practical gets done, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, within and as realizing that reactions cause friction and by extension distraction even if slight and even if I appear to be organizing that which I deem to distract, in ways that gets things done with immediacy, there remains a focus on that righteous sense of injustice, most probably causing some occupation within and as being aggravated with the present system, and yet I in my aggravation and desire to not focus on something, which in itself is distraction, am within my own organization in distraction from being aware of subtle movements within and as how I focus as my human physical body, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as me, to the extent my intensions are clear, and easily to share, in all simplicity to the extent the focus of me as problem solving, is more constant and as such more readily conveyed because this is the extent of the ability of life within to recognize patterns, which create states of being, and as such can be transferred even within emotional storms, as this is the nature of life, and therefore, can be held and shared, of which to become and be in clarity, means to have the patience to live and express this, to the extent there exists no more states of being miserly, and for this I forgive myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself becoming a movement of and as aggravation, to stop and to breath and to slow myself down, and to recognize this as being in a way, a miser, as this is acting in self interest, which means a motivation of desire exists within and as being a state of an ideology, that is separation from remaining present within and as becoming steady within and as realizing there are no problems and only solutions, within and as understanding that becoming the living word means having a clear intention one that is able to be shared and as such will take standing with an emotional firewall to the extent that storm in a teacup expresses its limitations into a form of completion that could be called a burning out, where for a moment, perhaps through the gap something clearer will become an insight and yet this must exist within the environment  in a clear way in order to be recognized to allow a seed of another option to be sensed and thus realized on a journey to self expression as life here, to become as constant and giving as a tree here. 

Within this, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize the beauty of this overall, and within this to not see realize and understand outside of allowing this distraction of aggravation to see realize and understand as my beingness, that within and as creating, or rather allowing the life that is here as me, to come forward as the expression or utilization of and as myself in focus that is usually of the simple, and that requires investigation, is more the will of life as me, and as such has a nature of lending patience, and realizing that nothing can define me but what I allow,  within and as realizing that the solution is simple and abel to be imparted because that is the nature of life.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that when and as I become aggravated, I stop and I breath, as my beingness, and I slow myself down, to ground me within and as respect of all things, to see realize and understand solutions that are visible within and as having an intention that as a state of focus as being, stand equal and one with and as a structural means to withstand the storms of friction and conflict as polarized beliefs as a loss of focus within and as who and what and where and how it is that we exist here on this physical earth of many trees, to in always, always live with an intent that shares what is best for all, as I am here. where there is only here.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding my capacity as life to realize the ordinary and to within that understand that nothing can define who and what I am and that the life that is me is a constant, and cannot be lost, thus within this, I am able to with great patience, stand and recognize emotional patterns and distractions of focus and to allow that expression as a process of self reflection and to and with that realize the simple that organizes and removes the complicated, to become more the living word within and as recognizing what is best for all in every movement to turn the tides and generate a momentum of expression that is aligned with and as what is best for all and as recognition of the simple as what is all around us as the physical reality that is life in expression here.

I commit myself to remaining here, and to move through the shame that comes up in moments in relation to all of this, to let go of and as value judgements of and as polarized beliefs to realize what is constant and as such can be stood with in a constancy that withstands the test of time, to become a steady pace of and as  the living word to the extent less is more, as my intentions are clear which transfers within and as being more present as being equal and one with the life that is what generates a tree that exists here and gives unconditionally in every moment here.

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