Day 846 What does it mean to actually live a word?

What does it mean to actually live a word? It has to do with focus, yet not in the way we have been taught in many ways. We place so much of our focus into our imaginations losing a sense of the design and expression of the physical creation around us. That physical creation is stressed because it has been ignored at the expense of projections of ideas about how things should be. When we have a medical system that determines things in petrie dishes in labs removed from the living reality, we are not working with creation as the physical. We begin to force the physical into some design determined by what? By another physical creation overusing the imagination. What was religion after all but a consequence of separation from reality causing one to believe that there is something greater outside of one’s over-use of the imagination! As I mentioned in my last blog, the way I sense it today is a form of telescoping a focus into a projection. This does look like some vortex form flowing out from our eyes. We are attracted to one another resonances, both the real essence of the person but also, and more so, the projected belief systems. Our projections are also of that which we rejected within ourselves, meaning we chase our greatest strengths which has become our greatest weaknesses. We resist values. 

Imagine growing up in a home with adults who are doing this? It would be hard for a child to counter this, even if they spoke simply a clearly. That projection would get in the way, that emotional fire-wall.  The beingness way down at the end of the tunnel of projection would be spending all their time managing their projection, attempting to validate their construction, attempting to pull everything in in relation to their construction. 

People lie all the time, yet this is visible. It has a vacuous feel to it. That is a certain focus of the body. IN our innocence as children we must see this. After all, we then learn to not trigger that which upsets that vortex maintenance.  That vortex maintenance is so insistent and lost within itself. And one can see that the core is not focused in reality, it is focused on the projection. That would look somewhat like a momentary lack of real presence, with a quality in the moment of hoping no one noticed.That would have a thinner-ness to it.  It is a lot like being able to change qualities from intense and rapid, to soft and rapid, much like playing music.  The more one masters the instrument, one begins to play with so many different dimensions of intensity and volume. being able to change from one extreme to anther is really cool. How well one knows the structures, enables greater immediate change, which is basically being able to process with ease. Our bodies and how we focus are really no different. We have simply suppressed this.

I suppose that in communicating with others, it would be allowable to completely let things go and stand within another’s total state if being, and read the narrative, the pressures the imagery. Yet one would have to know the language of symbol. Or sense the strings of association to values. I could see where this would actually be fun and not something to fear. Nothing can actually define the self but by acceptance. The demons in existence could do nothing to anyone but by allowance. The media today is simply an outward manifestation of this that I speak of. As a consequence, we are all masters of this, we have simply mastered ignoring this! That is the level of greatness and creativity within each and everyone of us as life. 

I suppose my anxiety is a consequence of my own suppression of seeing this, of living being presence and focused with an ease. 

What would it mean then to live a word? It would mean to focus to define the space and where it, as humans, focus and do not focus. It is like a form, a thing. It is visual and auditory and tangible. How do I change to protect from what I perceive as an onslaught of a threat, which can only exist if I believe that something is attempting to change my own inner projections from an overuse of the imagination. Yet, nothing can be lost that is actually of life. Thus, nothing can really be lost that is real. 

It is like playing an instrument, being both big and small at the same time. Being able to move in counterpoint and remain stable.  I remember reading the Tin Drum when I was 12. I was fascinated by the perpetually screaming child. I thought the book had an answer, but it really painted a symbol picture of innocence’s response to a life out of balance. In reality that is what each one is doing, screaming to become what has been lost. Each one is screaming as that insistent protection of an overuse of the imagination to protect a construction of protection that is also believed to be a means to an end that is as itself spread way out into time lines of values causing a disconnect from being present. It is a huge game of distraction which is basically what our media is today. And, as well,  our corporate and government administrations. Administrations built of people doing the same thing. I meet many people who say they don’t get involved in politics and go home after work to do their own thing. That is probably one is the greatest evils in the world today, too - especially in America - that exists. It is an abdication of self responsibility, it is an abdication of self as life. It is a state of ignorance, a state of suppression which will accumulate and consume the flesh just as the means of the media in itself is consuming the flesh as the very fabric of the physical. It is a mis-use of resources. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to walk in a projection of mis-information, as limited story of imagery overall creating a separation from life, and stagnating a natural processing ability as such state of separation is distraction and a busyness of imagery in protection and defense of and as an awareness of an abdication of self as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that illusion of the present system, itself being a reflection of what each is being and doing within and as the very substance and the self as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that in reality all is in plain sight, within and as every small movement within the space of here, as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being defined as anything, when what I am is here as the physical as this earth as creation in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take things personally, as though the projected belief of another, as a state of separation into ideas, beliefs and opinions creating wants needs and desires can have an effect upon me, when in reality nothing can define me but what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into blame which is spite, as being lame in action, within and as self pity and guilt, as realizing I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as living limited information, causing polarized values, which is a form of stagnation, thereby in living a lie, the maintenance of that lie-by-omission, distracts and consumes my attention slowing down an ability to process the living reality that is me and is all around me here as this living physical creation as life manifest called earth - as was said that a “ heaven” needed to be brought down to earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that in many ways I am able to stand equal and one in thought, word and deed to realize want need and desire as being an exposure of separation from self as life, and as that, the very beingness of self as life, wanting to become the living word, to realize one greatest strength in expression as connection with all things here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand in thought, word and deed, the living word and what that means in every moment here as life in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be pulled into beliefs as thoughts as spoken words of ideologies that are abstracts about things, where an end game of and as some invisible belief system with a promise of a “ more” being something out there in the future, that is “ incredible” which as a word suggests some nebulous idea of what we are as being a more as a “ cread” when this in itself is a distraction from being present in a reality where resources are mis-used to transfer wealth into digits that are accumulated into the hands of a few, as those who cannot exist without the resources being manipulated and the many hands of humans interacting with said resources, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize this simple fact and within that to stand up and speak even within and as facing resonant layers of mis-information holding this illusion in place, as just as it is to clean up a home so it is to “ clean” up resonant beliefs to stand equal and one to what is best for all here in respect of life that is physical. 

What would be a living word mean? It would have to have a quality of being eternal, something so clear, with such clear intent it would be readily realized - even within facing resistances to speak past that resonant storm of scattered information that has a quality of not being ablate sustain its belief? It would either cause interest or more reaction. This means a response of a reaction would indicate a button had been pushed that upset one’s inner construction!  Thus, friction means one has upset a belief, a self definition. Simultaneously,  that distraction would  slow down processing abilities  Using words in protection and defense of personalities would dis-tract hearing stability. Yet what would each seek but to remove the veil of this to live with self honesty and self trust, to use one’s ability to focus and understand form and function to the extent one creates, within and as realizing there are no problems and only solutions! This could as well be called balance. This balance manifest as the body being in a state of homeostasis, which can be done on earth. This would require a more respectful use of resources, and unconditional support within realizing basic needs in relation to what builds and supports the physical. 

Day 835 My own suppression through accepting being " hurt." What is " #HURT"

I was talking with someone and in the moment, wrote a “ rant.” It was me reviewing not only my own emotional hi-story but also, at the same time, looking at the overall direction of the family into which I was born. It is somewhat akin to looking for a “ truth” in the overall picture of my life. This is based on the realization that most likely there is an inherent truth to many things. Even if that small degree of “ truth” is buried under a spaced out, scattered dialogue of practiced separation. That default of lacking self responsibility and real self trust. 

At the end, a sense came up of myself, standing in a home space as a child making the decision that “ if you want me to be “ hurt” I will be “ hurt.” It was like I was in an inner statement I made the decision to be, in a moment, as a response to my environment, as the adults that were my parents that are products of the same system that lead me to make the statement in that moment as myself. That memory is like a shadow, a movement, a FOCUS. I can pull this up and read it. I was pretty small, as many of such memories have a sense of the angle of my body looking up, a certain tilt to the head or direction of focus within my body, as a narrowing down to a point. What I see is that experience within me, not yet able to remember the greater field around me. I am inward focused. 

Reminds me of another memory. I am speaking, but not speaking, I am running, outside. The grass and the trees are there. I turn and speak to a tree and say “ But I want to play.” 

I remember interacting with something in NY when I was around 17 I believe. We communicated as words, with presence, but nothing was said out loud. I also wondered at some point in my life why I had no control of somethings within me. I had no control of the shifts. What had I mastered? 

In making the decision to be “ hurt” I was being spiteful. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was a child. 

In making the decision to be that, I had to stop being something else, because I was making a decision to be something! 

In effect, I shut down the ability to define, which is what I was doing to make the choice to be “ hurt.” I also realize in making that decision, an emotional one, a value judgement, no matter if my environment was that which I perceived and labeled as this, I was not answering to that which I defined as “ hurt.” And, I just realized that within this moment, no physical “ hurt” was actually happening, meaning no one was physically doing something to me. So, it was not about a physical “ hurt.” 

What comes up in this moment, is something within me that speaks up at times. I would get in trouble at times in school for asking the “ wrong” questions. The “ trouble” part often confused me, because most often I simply blurted something out- meaning I don’t remember having a conscious thought before speaking. Also, ironically, when I did this, I tended to gather people around me that were of more support for me. Ironic how that happens. It is to say that those moments when I asked a question without forethought, that triggered reactions in some, also brought me the people who gave the most unconditional support. 

I remember one time when I was teaching a class and being watched for a grade for a degree. I was moving at ease, and suddenly questioned the direction I was heading in with the students. I stopped and pulled back, even though the students were really engaged. My professor then told me that I was doing great, and asked me why I stopped when I was heading in a great direction? I remember feeling that perhaps I was opening things up too much, and should be more in control within following the script. That opening of of engagement with the students appeared too “ free” in my inner comparison of what the system wanted as a behavior. I remember the students changing in that moment too. as though they sensed that I was doing what they expected of the system, but were experiencing as something different. They too had lived what I had lived. A silence ensued in the room and I knew that somehow I had let an opportunity go. Secretly I was ashamed. Yet, I let this experience allow me to be more open and follow through with how I interacted with students. It is that, “forgive myself, and make sure I never do that again.” And, that some people would most probably like myself “ not going in that direction.”

All these stories show me, as a reflection overall, because I can only speak my experience, that I can feel. I am able to sense the space. That I myself have shut down and moved into a selective reasoning that is choosing the “ hurt.” The “ hurt” being a form of self suppression, of real feeling suppression. That part of myself that blurts out those sudden questions that trigger annoyance in some, and respect from others. That part of myself that realizes with a consequence of shame, that I created more “ hurt” because I feared allowing something to flow in a moment, that must have been “ real” flow because I had captured the attention and participation of many children. I had captured the movement out of “ hurt” and was instead moving into discovery. Then I shut it down because I had made the decision to be “ hurt.” I had made the decision to stop feeling, to shut down, to participate in the behavior of those that did not like certain questions. I had shut myself away from those who supported me when I was natural and more real. I had become what I hated that lead me to make the decision to be “ hurt.”

I remember another class in high school where a teacher labeled me. I made the decision to never speak in her class again. And I did it. I pretended she was not there when called on. My classmates would turn and look at me, with dismay. I remained silent. I remember the teacher moving in a tense way, up there in the front. She realizing that perhaps she had gone too far, embarrassed and afraid because basically she had lost control of her class. My best friend asked me why I was not answering and talking. I remained silent, and would not answer. I was being “ hurt.” lol, though I have to say the dynamics were interesting to say the least. I want to tell myself I created an opportunity and learned more about cause and effect. My choice was not necessarily a good one, but I did learn from it. Though as well, I can feel this movement being at its core, a frustration, a sadness, a disillusionment. The same quality of those students in that later experience. a deep silence, a giving up, an acceptance. 

What if I recognized this and used that part of myself that sensed that teacher moving into stress and constriction and uncertainty while I was sitting there appearing to be reading a book while sensing that movement in the space of and as the constriction in the teacher? And instead of probably at first being glad, ( don’t remember that) but then having a sense of dis-ease at that movement in that adult who most probably had realized she had not made the best decision in relation to communicating with me. No one really wants conflict because it can lead to problems within their job. 

What if I opened up that part of me that has no thinking going on that asked those unwanted questions, and that part of me that turned and talked to a tree, and that part of me that had a conversation with a “ entity” without speaking, and that part of me that opened up taking things apart to understand them? What if I opened up feeling the space? I most probably, had asked my mother a question that was once again not answered, and grew frustrated when I was most likely shut down, just as I had shut down others? What if I allowed that part of me that blurted out those seemingly “ unwanted” questions? What if I remained in the space seeing the moving parts, the mirages of this same thing I was doing within and realized that this is not what anyone really wants to be? 

lol, I will be saying a lot of things people do not want to hear. But so be it. 

It is not what is said, most of the time, it is how it is said. One can curse but the message is too clear to notice. I don’t really enjoy a lot of cursing and do believe that things can be communicated without it. Yet the other day I watched a man speak up about something, with a lot of cursing, yet his message was really simple and clear. In that moment, I saw the message as more important than the delivery. In today’s world sometimes a more edgy delivery is needed. It gets the job done. If a person can exhibit an awareness of this, and not be that all of the time, and perhaps use it to make a point, I see it as being okay. If I had to listen to it all of the time, it would become too much. Most likely people who are able to make a clear and succinct point most probably do not curse all of the time, and instead use this form to emphasize their point. It is somewhat ubiquitous in our world today. 

It is, therefore time to practice feeling, without the hurt shield. It is time to use the core of me that can feel that space, that can talk to trees, that can have fun looking at something and going in whatever direction the looking-at-something or focusing-on-something, the narrowing of my presence in a moment onto something that is  required and natural. Being engaging/ engaged is using feeling. Being engaging is being present. Being engaging is moving beyond being shut down, being unaddressed, being pushed away for asking an unmeditated question. 

This is the word, engage, and engaging for the day. For this moment.