Day 853 An overuse of the imagination, a sense of loss and giving myself permission to be simple

I have noticed lately some back chat and imaginations increasing within myself. It is a movement where I suddenly find myself IN-volved in an inner imaginative playout of .. mostly working with what I perceive within myself as “ injustice” like situations. I have recognized this more rapidly and simply stopped. I can remember when I first started this process how difficult it appeared to be to stop such “ worm-hole” like DISTRACTIONS from focusing all of me, as the life that is me here, to living here, in this moment, equal to a consideration of all things, this place where I can realize that there are no problems and ONLY solutions. 

I stand back and look at the overall emotional tenure of what is existing within me as a resonant construction. I notice lately two things, and these have to do with consequential changes in my life. One is that my children are basically a much smaller part of my life, and hence a sense of being alone. Another, is some friction within expectations in relation to what I bring forward into this reality. Within this I realize that what I share is basically a very very simple thing that can have a huge impact in a person’s life. The conflict is the difference between an over-use of my imagination and the contrast of realizing the simplicity of something and relating that to its impact in allowing another to process and recognize what they are realizing and living within them selves and the greater reality around them as this physical existence. It is to say that I continue to polarize values and that itself is a distraction from realizing the simple being a means to correct that very thing I find myself once again being caught within. Another way to say this is a sense that being simple is somehow not allowed. I have to give myself permission to realize an old adage that “ if someone cannot explain something to a child, then one does not really know that of which they speak! 

It is in allowing the simple that I find I am more able to play and be patient and direct with greater effect. This, overall, a contradiction to beliefs that something must involve pain to grow, or that realizing solutions involves fighting for something, when in effect it is the opposite. I mean, the statement that realizes if someone cannot explain something to a third grader, for example, means that they really do not know that of which they speak, is an equation that reveals that real solutions are actually simple. If we contrast that to our present hyper-emotional and polarized doom and gloom generating media, we might just realize the difference and find our way back to our own innocence! 

It is as though being emotional is “ not having enough information,” and that being emotional is being in a polarized alternate imaginary inner resonant storm that is a storm in a tea-cup that has been “

 normalized” when within well known adages, the opposite of what is promulgated as normal is that which is abnormal! This would be difficult to process conceptually is one is running in an inner energetic storm of good and bad, right and wrong, less than and more than. Remember, we humans are happy when we are doing and unhappy when we are not. Doing, involves being focused on the practical. That means realizing each simple step by step movement that actually gets things done. That moves with a greater ease as the nature of real doing involves a focus that lacks distraction and tension. 

Everything is a math, even a system of distraction. Overall, nothing can define who and what we are but by acceptance and allowance. That is a huge gift in itself. 

Thus, back to myself, I realize that I am feeling, and as such distracted from being present, that I am suddenly more alone. And two, that this over-blown  imagination and state of value judgement which is a fear, is limiting a sense of realizing the simple in another area of my life. And, within that, that I give myself permission to realize the simple, which by extension opens up a realization that I am able to have fun within what I do because in effect, it is something that can be explained to a child. And, within that, I have explained this to many children and they tend to get it right away! 

The difference is like using a sextant on a ship. When one practices a correct and careful word recognition ability, one’s sextant use will more than likely bring them into a port of their choice, whereas an incorrect inner GPS building will lead their course way off of the port their choice! 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as me, as my beingness, as a belief that I am alone.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am suddenly alone as my children have become independent of me.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself, as my beingness, to see realize and understand that I am the life that is here as this earth, a life that is a creation that is physical in form and function revealing itself as creation manifest, evident in a system that is constructed and allowed by all of mankind, within and as the development of religions that distract from being in consideration of all things, and of behaviors such as my own, of living in a resonant storm of charged beliefs of a more than and a less than, this in itself a distraction from being focused and in consideration of all things, as being in regard of all things here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that as life, situations grow and change, morph and move into different forms of interaction and communication, and as such, within and as my own life, at the moment, I am moving into a situation where I have time and space to consider what I like, what perspectives and insights as the life of me, can be and share and develop which is a gift in and of itself here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am always, in all ways, all one here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself as my beingness, to believe that things must be complicated when in fact, solutions are by nature usually the next simple step, and that the accumulation of simple steps leads to being able to process more complex forms, which is a simple and really cool ways and means to and towards self improvement and development.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be and come to an overuse of my imagination, within and as allowing “ righteous” and justice seeking payouts within and as my imagination, which are really a reflection of an inner fear, where in this moment i see a relationship within this to and towards a fear of being left out, and a fear of ineffective communication where I have these inner imaginative play-outs spinning in a desire to blame and spite resistances I imagine will automatically exist within and as my immediate environment, when in effect, I have walked and faced many such resistances, and brought common sense into the picture thus my own fears and reactions as such fears within myself are simply an absence of living in thought, word and deed that which is simple and most often fun and playful in relation to understanding how this physical state of being actually works.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as my inner focus as a distraction of and as fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be distracted within and as worrying and imagining worst case scenarios in separation from myself as life, as my beingness, being focused here, realizing the simple and having fun and being playful within and as that, to realize in thought, word and deed that which is in consideration of all things to regard with awe, the magnificence of creation that is life as this physical expression of form and function that us earth here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as an idea of what is right and an expectation of what is right being accepted, when in effect, this is a focus of distraction instead of remaining here, breathing, slowing down and playing with focus, as the physical body in its expression here, when this is visible and can be felt, where what is really huge is the physical creation of life that is here in all ways always, as this is in plain sight here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself as my beingness to see, realize and understand that I am life and that as this life, I determine the physical state of this life within and as the very fabric of my physical body, in and as the very focus of me here, where tensions and frictions within and as my body, reveal my acceptances and allowances, played out within my over-used imagination, that is something I as the life that is me, can direct, and as such I give myself permission to life being present and focused here, to realize the simple and to have fun as inherent in being focused and present is real discovery and the living of solutions that are what is best for all, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself as my beingness, to focus myself within a narrow field of charged value judgements and as such to live within a survival suit as a belief instead of remaining focused and in respect of this living breathing creation that is physical, and here in plain sight.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist and suppress seeing the mind, a mind as an overuse of the imagination, that has not real constancy and sustainability, and therefor has a nature of being intense and insistent and then suddenly ending, where in my state of resisting and running from this and being in my own gloom and doom fear mode, not seeing realizing and understanding the patterns within and as the nature of this, to the extent I can able to stand equal to such states-of-separation realizing that nothing can define me,  but what I accept and allow, and as such am able to realize patterns and process form and function and movement, to define and realize the space and then to play and reform and ground in ways that allow self discovery as within this, there need be no self validation as the real value is realizingin thought, word and deed,  that which beings insight into who and what we really are as creation that is expressed in physical form, to realize the only choice is to exist within and as heaven on earth here, where all life is considered and respected as being the real value here. 

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding how my physical body, to a greater extent, is gifting me as life the means to understand this reality as that being who and what I am here, as I am life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become engrossed in a resonant bubble of information, and instead of being focused here, realizing that nothing can define who and what i am, and yet as that I am able to stand equal and one with what is here for a moment without fear to process what consider and REFLECT consideration of all things as the who and what I am here, as I am life which is physical and in plain sight - the opposite of an overuse of the imagination that causes a separation from a practice of cross referencing all things as life, as the physical as this earth, here.

I commit myself to allowing and accepting myself, as my beingness, to focus here, to realize nothing can define me but who and what i am as life, which is physical, and here in plain sight, that what is constant and consistent is eternal, and grounded and sound.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that just as my imagination is changeable, and protean-like, so is the ability of myself as the heart of me, able to define terms for a moment and consider all things, regard all things and process a lack of information, with care and reflection in ways that build in a process of sharing what has a more eternal quality and is of equal consideration of all things here.

I commit myself to Slowing down and breathing, and realizing the small movements into an overuse of the imagination and myself existing within and as an idea of fear of loss and fear of standing equal and one to the simple to realize that the simple can be brought forward in thought, word and deed in every moment here, as life is always in all ways in plain sight here, as this earth in form and function.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and standing as that which grounds one’s focus into and as the innate ability of the life that is in each and everyone, to come forward and live in joy of the awe of creation that is always, in all ways in plain  sight here. 

Day 835 My own suppression through accepting being " hurt." What is " #HURT"

I was talking with someone and in the moment, wrote a “ rant.” It was me reviewing not only my own emotional hi-story but also, at the same time, looking at the overall direction of the family into which I was born. It is somewhat akin to looking for a “ truth” in the overall picture of my life. This is based on the realization that most likely there is an inherent truth to many things. Even if that small degree of “ truth” is buried under a spaced out, scattered dialogue of practiced separation. That default of lacking self responsibility and real self trust. 

At the end, a sense came up of myself, standing in a home space as a child making the decision that “ if you want me to be “ hurt” I will be “ hurt.” It was like I was in an inner statement I made the decision to be, in a moment, as a response to my environment, as the adults that were my parents that are products of the same system that lead me to make the statement in that moment as myself. That memory is like a shadow, a movement, a FOCUS. I can pull this up and read it. I was pretty small, as many of such memories have a sense of the angle of my body looking up, a certain tilt to the head or direction of focus within my body, as a narrowing down to a point. What I see is that experience within me, not yet able to remember the greater field around me. I am inward focused. 

Reminds me of another memory. I am speaking, but not speaking, I am running, outside. The grass and the trees are there. I turn and speak to a tree and say “ But I want to play.” 

I remember interacting with something in NY when I was around 17 I believe. We communicated as words, with presence, but nothing was said out loud. I also wondered at some point in my life why I had no control of somethings within me. I had no control of the shifts. What had I mastered? 

In making the decision to be “ hurt” I was being spiteful. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was a child. 

In making the decision to be that, I had to stop being something else, because I was making a decision to be something! 

In effect, I shut down the ability to define, which is what I was doing to make the choice to be “ hurt.” I also realize in making that decision, an emotional one, a value judgement, no matter if my environment was that which I perceived and labeled as this, I was not answering to that which I defined as “ hurt.” And, I just realized that within this moment, no physical “ hurt” was actually happening, meaning no one was physically doing something to me. So, it was not about a physical “ hurt.” 

What comes up in this moment, is something within me that speaks up at times. I would get in trouble at times in school for asking the “ wrong” questions. The “ trouble” part often confused me, because most often I simply blurted something out- meaning I don’t remember having a conscious thought before speaking. Also, ironically, when I did this, I tended to gather people around me that were of more support for me. Ironic how that happens. It is to say that those moments when I asked a question without forethought, that triggered reactions in some, also brought me the people who gave the most unconditional support. 

I remember one time when I was teaching a class and being watched for a grade for a degree. I was moving at ease, and suddenly questioned the direction I was heading in with the students. I stopped and pulled back, even though the students were really engaged. My professor then told me that I was doing great, and asked me why I stopped when I was heading in a great direction? I remember feeling that perhaps I was opening things up too much, and should be more in control within following the script. That opening of of engagement with the students appeared too “ free” in my inner comparison of what the system wanted as a behavior. I remember the students changing in that moment too. as though they sensed that I was doing what they expected of the system, but were experiencing as something different. They too had lived what I had lived. A silence ensued in the room and I knew that somehow I had let an opportunity go. Secretly I was ashamed. Yet, I let this experience allow me to be more open and follow through with how I interacted with students. It is that, “forgive myself, and make sure I never do that again.” And, that some people would most probably like myself “ not going in that direction.”

All these stories show me, as a reflection overall, because I can only speak my experience, that I can feel. I am able to sense the space. That I myself have shut down and moved into a selective reasoning that is choosing the “ hurt.” The “ hurt” being a form of self suppression, of real feeling suppression. That part of myself that blurts out those sudden questions that trigger annoyance in some, and respect from others. That part of myself that realizes with a consequence of shame, that I created more “ hurt” because I feared allowing something to flow in a moment, that must have been “ real” flow because I had captured the attention and participation of many children. I had captured the movement out of “ hurt” and was instead moving into discovery. Then I shut it down because I had made the decision to be “ hurt.” I had made the decision to stop feeling, to shut down, to participate in the behavior of those that did not like certain questions. I had shut myself away from those who supported me when I was natural and more real. I had become what I hated that lead me to make the decision to be “ hurt.”

I remember another class in high school where a teacher labeled me. I made the decision to never speak in her class again. And I did it. I pretended she was not there when called on. My classmates would turn and look at me, with dismay. I remained silent. I remember the teacher moving in a tense way, up there in the front. She realizing that perhaps she had gone too far, embarrassed and afraid because basically she had lost control of her class. My best friend asked me why I was not answering and talking. I remained silent, and would not answer. I was being “ hurt.” lol, though I have to say the dynamics were interesting to say the least. I want to tell myself I created an opportunity and learned more about cause and effect. My choice was not necessarily a good one, but I did learn from it. Though as well, I can feel this movement being at its core, a frustration, a sadness, a disillusionment. The same quality of those students in that later experience. a deep silence, a giving up, an acceptance. 

What if I recognized this and used that part of myself that sensed that teacher moving into stress and constriction and uncertainty while I was sitting there appearing to be reading a book while sensing that movement in the space of and as the constriction in the teacher? And instead of probably at first being glad, ( don’t remember that) but then having a sense of dis-ease at that movement in that adult who most probably had realized she had not made the best decision in relation to communicating with me. No one really wants conflict because it can lead to problems within their job. 

What if I opened up that part of me that has no thinking going on that asked those unwanted questions, and that part of me that turned and talked to a tree, and that part of me that had a conversation with a “ entity” without speaking, and that part of me that opened up taking things apart to understand them? What if I opened up feeling the space? I most probably, had asked my mother a question that was once again not answered, and grew frustrated when I was most likely shut down, just as I had shut down others? What if I allowed that part of me that blurted out those seemingly “ unwanted” questions? What if I remained in the space seeing the moving parts, the mirages of this same thing I was doing within and realized that this is not what anyone really wants to be? 

lol, I will be saying a lot of things people do not want to hear. But so be it. 

It is not what is said, most of the time, it is how it is said. One can curse but the message is too clear to notice. I don’t really enjoy a lot of cursing and do believe that things can be communicated without it. Yet the other day I watched a man speak up about something, with a lot of cursing, yet his message was really simple and clear. In that moment, I saw the message as more important than the delivery. In today’s world sometimes a more edgy delivery is needed. It gets the job done. If a person can exhibit an awareness of this, and not be that all of the time, and perhaps use it to make a point, I see it as being okay. If I had to listen to it all of the time, it would become too much. Most likely people who are able to make a clear and succinct point most probably do not curse all of the time, and instead use this form to emphasize their point. It is somewhat ubiquitous in our world today. 

It is, therefore time to practice feeling, without the hurt shield. It is time to use the core of me that can feel that space, that can talk to trees, that can have fun looking at something and going in whatever direction the looking-at-something or focusing-on-something, the narrowing of my presence in a moment onto something that is  required and natural. Being engaging/ engaged is using feeling. Being engaging is being present. Being engaging is moving beyond being shut down, being unaddressed, being pushed away for asking an unmeditated question. 

This is the word, engage, and engaging for the day. For this moment.