I realized that I was not being myself, but I realized this as myself being a lesser self - so to speak, and I called it my half self. Good or bad that is what I called it. As though within this memory I was aware that I was projecting a less than, a partial sensation of myself. Which is interesting because I did this once when I performed, I actually had a conversation with myself, while on the stage, that I could not put myself into the playing as me, as all of me- the “ all of me” was the sense that I had, which is deciding to be a lesser self - so to speak.
So, it is like hiding oneself from here, to participate with here.
I ask myself why did I do this, why would I choose this?
What comes up at this moment it, because I did not know where else to go. But then, if I am so busy projecting a lesser self, would I have practiced where to go with that which I was not allowing to be?
So I will do forgiveness on this “ hiding character” this acceptance of a lesser self. And I will ask myself what I used to project this lesser self, what ideas I used to generate this lesser personification to the world.
Fear Dimension
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to project a lesser version of myself out onto the world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to choose to project a lesser self and to not stand back and see, realize and understand why I would choose such a thing to be.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear myself and thus hide behind a lesser/half self in order to get along and go along with this world here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to suppress myself here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I needed to suppress myself here
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to keep myself occupied through being less than myself, being half of myself, a quarter of myself, an eight of myself here, just to maintain a persona acceptable to here, or so I believed and for this I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to accept and allow a lesser version, part of myself here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being other than this lesser self here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how being this lesser self is essentially myself fearing to use the full sense of myself as life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear giving up this “ lesser self” for fear that others will find out that i had been doing this all along and thus been a lie, through omitting the “ fullness” of myself for fear that it would be too much , or that it was unacceptable or that this “ full self” did not somehow fit into what was acceptable here, as though it was too much sensation for here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that perhaps I had no idea where to go with this self that was not the lesser self because I had never tried to go anywhere with it.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that suddenly knowing where to go with all of self, from a starting point of discovering a lesser self, might appear , as change , to be something daunting , but so it is when one turns to something new and must deconstruct what has been discovered to be less than.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel shame and loss because of having accepted and allowed a “ lesser” self within and as a belief that this was the way to survive, not seeing realizing and understanding that being a lesser self, cannot possibly be a way to survive, because it denies awareness and is only an act of politicking for lesser self being, as only a part of self is actually being used, thus it is an existence of lack.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have ideas only about how I should appear here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to lesson myself with ideas about how i should be based on traditions within culture and race, gender and class to remain within an acceptable norm as the world around me, spending so much time doing this that I never stop to question why such exists and that if I am doing this than the chances are that many, if not all are doing the same, and thus why does this exist, especially if there is more to me than what I am allowing to exist here?
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that accepting a lesser self is like living a life in a masked ball, allowing self to be ever vigilant as to whether someone might find out that I am not in fact here as all of me, but just moving along as a projected lesser self using ideas, opinions and beliefs as the lessons learned to participate here within how I perceived the world without standing up and questioning why such existed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I did not know where to go, especially when right there was an awareness that I was being a half self, which meant that the whole self was there all along, and for ignoring this, I forgive myself.
