Presence and resonance beingness . Who am I? Day 744

In my last blog I wrote about sensing what can only be called a resonant change within myself, after living in a foreign country. I wrote about how I noticed a physical resistance that precipitated    calling out a behavior as being extreme where previously, before living in another country, I had no physical resistance or reaction towards such behavior. All of this indicating how I can, within seven years, change the very resonance of me, as a comfort zone of the stance, or the acclimated values within me, or, relationships I composed myself within and as.  When my environment changed, and was no longer the ‘ song’ or ‘ math’ or collectively accepted values of a group, I physically reacted. It appears to be a sense of being out of synch with my surroundings, yet I started to notice the differences and projected the differences as something outside of myself.  I could have become so focused on the differences ONLY, yet managed to realize that I had acclimated to the ‘ stance’ of my new environment. 

How often does this happen in other areas of my life? And/or am I as near to being fluid in seeing the patterns and movements of this overall? Meaning, do I apply how much a resonance of values  are what I face, what I meet, when I interact with others? If I do not understand this, are those moments of projection and calling out of a behavior, a labeling that behavior being weird or extreme, without realizing the interaction of resonant values bumping up against another, as being a relationship ? Do I realize that I am simply in a juxtaposition of values imbedded in the flesh as what has become an acclimated stance within? Do I tend to resist what does not ‘ resonate’ with me, because I have become so self involved that I have lost all perspective of seeing and realizing this? Ultimately, how is it that this has not moved me to realize that the only thing that is real is the physical? And/or that taking on a value, as focusing on something, is okay, yet must always refer to what is in the moment as the greater world around me, within an understanding that what is practiced, if not reviewing the whole overall, can become resonant within, and then direct the flesh to the point where, as I did, react physically? What would happen if this is not understood? I can think of many reactions, as resistance I have done and lived, because I did not understand this! I, instead, in my self centered self interest ONLY,  believed my resonance to be more real than what was around me. I blamed this very default happening in others, on that resonance, even went into fear of it, instead of realizing the whole and the parts of and as how this all works. 

Is it not also so easy to realize at this point that this is what the proverbial ‘ valley of smoke and mirrors’ is in fact? Where to hide what is real, but right in front of us. as the within made larger than the without, and the without being what is real, and what is similar to being a ‘ master mind’ in that what would ground is referencing all things, and balancing out within that, this in itself a practice lending greater flexibility , or less stagnant inner stance of values in a bubble.  After all, then, what is a mind consciousness system? If one’s focus , as the events one allows within, on a time line, or horizon of sequences of self accepted stances, or values, were repeated again and again until they directed the flesh,  would one become a ‘ seed’ of information, of and as small movements compounding in one’s deeds? Would this end up causing a resonance counter to the greater whole? Would a flexibility be lost? Would the ability to process information become stagnant as that resonance consumed the life within, as the very focus of that presence within? Who could correct, or balance this out? Can another do this for one’s self? No. Would the self that was caught in the web, want forgiveness? Thus, is the only choice, that of forgiveness? As forgiveness is the movement of correction? This correction not capable of being done by anyone, but the self, and would one not want it to be any other way, as this is the way to self mastery? I mean what is one doing when one practices a musical instrument all by themselves? And would one also need to practice or interact with the whole also? Would a one sided practice cause an imbalance? 

A word is a placeholder of information, thus a word can be used to direct this, to guide this, to trigger the re-establishment of one’s focus onto the greater and the smaller, in the present, so that the self can see the resonance within and the practical without. This would lead to being equal and one to all of creation. Instead of reacting, as resisting resonances ( ghosts in the machine) one would become more self directive- AND NOT FEAR THAT RESONANT MATH!  As it is, at the moment, we are all basically, resonating values in a self centered inner-rest, absent a common sense of the present moment, which is being in the practice of the physical reality around us, recognizing what does not harm, as what accepts what is here, and working with it, or interacting with it, or communicating with it, which overall, allows one to realize one’s own resonances. In a way, there is nothing wrong with looking at the parts, bringing this forward for a moment, yet remaining grounded in the physical is also necessary. 

I admit that I am in fear of what resonates in another, because it means that I have to face the equation. I have to have the patience to slow down, listen, ‘ quantify’ , call out by name, to become in sympathy with clarity with another, with a resonance, and then relate back to the practical, or realize what would be best, and make choices, as the only choice, as what would expand and lend direction without generating more conflict, or harm as a reaction to a ‘ resonant form’.  I can so move into fear, or anger, when meeting resistance despite realizing the only solution is to go back to the drawing board and walk the clarity again, especially since a resonance can be quite sticky and bounce back. This being what causes a great forgetFULLNESS, that is the root of the problem within this not being understood.  

Because we have, in a sense, all become like the movies we watch, ‘ story boards’ that repeat and speak and direct the flesh, as a resonant sequence of events colored with value judgements, singular and limited though not necessarily ‘ bad’ , it is necessary to slow down and begin to differentiate this. It is to give space for greater and deeper recognition of one’s accepted and allowed resonant seed of information. 

I have this point where I miss some turn, some resonant movement within me. I can see, or feel the after effects, as this cycles, yet have not yet caught that tiny movement that was a choice I made, or accepted, as a value judgement. It is like not wanting to let something go, or this being so habituated, I can only practice catching this again and again, making mis-takes.

Mostly, it is in my arms, a tenseness that is intense. lol.

What helps me, at times, is to look at this as though I am reading shadows. I liken it to a ‘ life review’ where I bring every moment of my life forward, like a resonant history, and realize where I resisted, rejected, blamed, pushed away, stood as - believed, etc. And then, to sort out my resonant under-standings.  Has to be done, and why have it any other way? After all, how does one come to master something? What did we think humpty dumpty was all about?  And why were the fables, and tales, and biblical stories, and twentieth century novels like 1984, telling us? And why were they in a format that was indirect yet revealing? They in themselves are a kind of resonant form, showing a math, yet cannot be the actual practice in the self. It is just as I was when I started calling out the value system manifestation as behaviors on a face, as I stood looking at this from a different resonance as what I had acclimated myself to.  I am the subject of my own objectification! Because of a fear of calling things out by name, which is the means to self empowerment and disempowerment of the limited resonance , it appears easier to do the same without facing this directly. Yet, if this is what I am saying must be done, then somehow I am not facing this in myself, because I am unwilling to show the bare naked accepted and allowed resonance of myself. The point is that this is understood, and pointed out, though indirect, by many. 

A word for me today, is the word ‘ frame’ meaning, what am I framing within what I bring forward, as resonate within me? What and where am I losing a sense of the larger frame as the physical? What am I defining myself as, within a resonant frame, and what relationships am I making that builds this frame I stand within? What practices in the small within myself can change this frame and focus, or realize in a more fluid way, calling resistances out by name, and understanding to then relate to the whole to build a more encompassing relationship to the whole as all things, where I do not rush, or expect, or fear a loss, thereby procrastinating, seeking perfection,  idealize,  control, reject, imagine only,  give up, get lost in a comparison of self protection etc. I can, as the very capacity of and as me, learn to play/perform/interact-with-the-whole as the means is right here, in plain sight.  After all, so much of what has not been lived, is that individual practice of doing and realizing the smallest of movements, as the smallest of things, is what one must master to become a master of self, something that must be practiced, and something that no one can do for the self but the self. This AND interacting with the whole, as it cannot be ONLY one or the other. 

The process of integrating information, or the unfolding of seeing directly- pulling strings of information Day 725

What does it mean to integrate something, to the point where the structure is so clear it is a reciprocity of reality? How is that process of intimacy? What are the stages?

What I have noticed within playing the violin is that I integrate with practice, and if I focus directly and familiarize myself with the new movement/form/structure/insight it becomes a part of me. There is a moment before integration, where it remains separate, as not yet automated, meaning I can move through the structure or understanding with ease, to the point where I no longer think about it, or, have to recognize its name, where that point of acknowledgement has not resistances as the new insight into creation, or what is here, is accepted in a clear way. A process that moves faster when no resistances of judgement happen. Usually, this means that I could explain this to a 6 year old. The understanding of the thing is such that I can ‘ build’ a stable and steady outline of it- which is almost like creating an entity to be passed on. Ironically, there appears to me to be a point where within learning something new, before it integrates it becomes like an entity, appearing to be a thing in separation from me, yet it is myself building understanding before integration- which could be called automation. This fits, when I realize the degree of violence in a person is equal to the lack of clear structure or direct seeing. Violence can be considered to be resistance.

As I become more aware of what I accept and allow, and write out the patterns of my resistances and as what I moralize as good and bad, I see my own self created entities that I have allowed to define me, exist as projections within me, as the information that is me and as what I use to direct myself, is realized with greater intimacy as who and what I am/have allowed.

Within this process, lately, while interacting with others, it is as though I hear what the person is going to speak before they speak, as though in having practiced deconstructing my own entries of information/memory/value system of a limited morality composed of projections as resistances of what negate values counter to what I have chosen to define me, I find that I am perhaps entering a phase where I can call such structures out by name in others.

This can appear, overall, to be a state of becoming stagnant, yet in a way, it is the train slowing down and reversing itself. In that turn, it can appear to be chaos, as one transforms from one direction of default into something new. Even though, within this, not realizing how we work, and standing within a pillar of what is eternal, can cause mis-understanding in so many ways, as the process of pulling on one’s strings of beliefs/morality can so easily become unbalanced. It is to listen within principle of self directing within what is best for all. I can imagine to some degree that if one can stand within what is eternal, it would be exposing, as holding that, to the point where there is no hiding, there is no running away, because that would be the so-called ‘ brightest light’. This overall, would move within such a subtle unfolding, it would, from my point at the moment, appear to be difficult, yet it is simply the process of inegration of information. We are, in our capacity, great processors of information. Yet, we have mis-used the imagination, and as a consequence forgotten what it means to integrate, as become intimate with creation.

At the moment, I liken this to eating dandelions. At first, this summer, the leaves were so bitter, yet over time there was so much more to the taste, and the initial bitterness was no longer ‘ an elephant in the room’ - or no longer what struck my senses as what a dandelion taste was. Other dimensions of the taste came forward. In our present palette of tastes, bitterness is not something in our diets, if anything it is something we reject and resist and react to. Thus, naturally that is going to be made HUGE. Yet it is not all that exists within the dandelion. Within becoming more intimate with this plant, in taste, there are other aspects coming forward,  as I no longer react so much to what I rejected as ‘ not being used to, as having acted in resistance to'  and notice greater dimensions of this plant. It was a process that unfolded- so to speak. It is a release of resistances- so to speak, as how I see this. Maybe I am nuts! lol

What this means is that what we practice integrates into us. Unless we are processing the information as it is, we create resistances to aspects of things, and cause conflict and friction, Acceptance of all things, would integrate an awareness of what is real, and create an intimacy with reality. There are points in this development where the new information could be mis-construed as an entity, when it is simply a body of information within which one is focused- reactions within this cause mis-takes and unbalanced presence that is in itself separated from creation.

Within this, memory is made so big, because of a mis-use of the imagination. The practice of being present, to see directly reality, is so unpracticed that it appears difficult, when in reality is is more an action of life than what I have made huge, and what is systematized externally. lol, I exist within an astro turf and use inflammatory language, as the means exposing this- I inflame values and reject others, to hold onto an idea about who and what I am, when what I am is life, here. 

Just as I might write out the opening dimensions of the taste of a dandelion to understand the elements of that plant via taste, using my senses in real time, so I write out the movements within me, of my acceptances and resistances, that I have allowed to define me, to become intimate with how I composed myself into a math, a song, an entity, that is in separation from reality, all evident in my own projections and denial of processing information around me via this shield of rejection of myself as life that by design denads constant support in order to survive. Yet, the means to the end, is to use myself as life, and process my acceptances and allowances and to balance them back into what is real, to then move into understanding form and function of here, this reality. And, at the same time acknowledging the entities of information, that become a part of me, and as information I have not yet processed clearly, as I am not communicating this in such a way that a six year old can understand it. This means seeing the forms, within and without, calling them by name, using words ( that order and lend a means of structuring this within).  If I listen, or practice listening, I can stand steady, making that which is huge, small, meaning balanced, and also realizing this is a process. At this point, I see this as a part of processing information, a sequence where one focuses on integrating something new, and finally, balancing it out and building a clear structure, equal to life, within which one can cross reference, with ease, to check, because automating something, without zip-filing through it, can cause one to lose presence with one’s own construction or what one really is- a physical beingness in expression.

Within this, I am moving around, giving others the means to practice seeing the notes as the composition of reality, as the cells, and at the same time, addressing the entities of separation, as the limitations, of and as what is rejected and resisted and what is the dream as what is accepted as a means to survive, this being an entity of information, inflammatory in its values accepted, and resistant to what does not fit the dream, and yet, this can be manipulated to reach into and give what would be an opportunity to move beyond a fear or overwhelming sense of ‘ bitterness’ for example, to see into greater dimensions of the composition of physical reality. Just as I have learned to realize the values of my subconscious layer of information, so must I recognize this in others, and it is there, projected outward, just as I accepted and allowed within me. This is really an entity of information. It is one thing to direct this within one’s self, it is another to begin to move in this space time and realize this in another- AND, then, to become responsible in grounding into reality, as being the model of focus into what is eternal, just as someone I know has done, and continues to be and do, all around me here. What else is there but to become what is eternal? After all, the real nature of life, of creation would be to exist within what is eternal as a starting point.

It is to say, the process of integration is like the processing  of information and at the same time, an unfolding of awareness of what is here. The steps within this, can build entities of experience, that can appear to be real, as reality, when they are not.  I can begin to see where within understanding the process of becoming intimate with reality, or elements of reality is actually fun as one focuses on dimensions of things to build understanding- the flexibility that is self moving through the eye-of-the-needle, and how entities of ideas, beliefs and opinions are capable of seeming to be reality, thus, cross referencing the stages of intimacy/unfolding /integrating the process of this and what is real, is like learning to play a violin. 

In reality, as where mankind is at, this means understanding the world system, our externalized control form, and understanding this within one’s self. This means looking here, seeing what is going on in this world, relating it to one’s actions on the ground, where one’s actions can change to practice what recognizes resource use, as what one eats, what one purchases etc. It means to follow the money, to realize what that money supports, be it a value made huge that is really inconsiderate of all things and the requirement of basic needs of all life to reach its utmost potential, thereby balancing out this world into an order where all things thrive, making this home an estate for all, so our children/seeds can walk/grow wherever they choose, without fear, and with understanding in how insight into how this physical reality works is an unfolding into greater awareness and equality in supporting life, as creation and the potential pitfalls in the integrating/learning process. It is understanding that doubt is simply, not having enough information, not having enough exposure, not integrating what is real, practicing understanding form and function of physical reality.

Thank you for reading!

Day 582 My Personality with Women Self Forgiveness

In the next blogs I am going to walk a point within my relationships with women. 

My personality with women.

I had a memory come up during a conversation about women and how it is more difficult for me to talk with other woman then it is with men.

As I talked about the memory, I could feel my eyes begin to fill up with water, with tears. Though I felt somewhat calm about this memory, my eyes and the tears welling up told another story.

I had a friend in elementary school. We would hang out and, as I remember it, laugh with abandon, as though just being together was a joy and this joy expressed itself in laughter. I specifically remember sitting on a wall, legs dangling, the two of us laughing, just looking at one another being enough to laugh.

It came to pass, that my father, a journalist, wrote an article about my friend’s mother, one that was not well received by my friend’s mother.

From that day on, I never saw my friend again, we were no longer allowed to be friends, to visit with one another. I remember calling and being told that my friend was busy. This friend even started to attend another school, so the separation was sudden and complete.

I remember being very upset and saying to my father that it was not fair.  How could I be deprived of this friendship? 

I remember feeling like I lost something that was irreplaceable.

I remember wanting to blame my father for writing such an article.

I remember wanting to blame my friend’s mother for keeping my friend from me.

I remember wanting to understand why my friend could not stand up against this, as though this was something she had to do as well.

I remember getting angry at my mother for being told that I needed to get over it and that another friend would come along, and that sometimes things like this happen. I really did not want to accept that I could not be with this friend based on  what an adult had said about the other adult.

I became very spiteful towards everyone around me because I could no longer visit my friend. It was like I went into a tantrum after being sad about losing my friend. As the memory is charged with emotion, with the loss of my friend, with the loss of my laughter with another person that was of ease and had no value other than just being together and laughing I have to slow down and forgive this  memory, the sense of loss, the association of loss to the joy of laughter, the ensuing justifications and anger into blame and spite towards the adults in my world and the system, and the questions as to why that were never resolved, as there is a lack of understanding of how values have defined us in a game of survival based on ideas about who we are instead of realizing the value is simply being here, and in the process of self expression, which demands becoming aware. And yet, within the present system of competition, there is going to be not only constructive criticism but also spiteful remarks and reactions from a lack of remembering that growth in awareness and development takes time and requires mistakes as a natural part of the learning process and that what one person says about another does not define them, it is just a point made, thus the point must be cleared instead of the limitation of seeking punishment based on an idea about something that was said, when what one believes someone had said, may have nothing to do with what was said.

Here it is easy to see how we become so limited, and that “ storm” is one of emotion, which is an energetic emotion, that squirms and spites and blames, spinning around and around, going nowhere, creating a good and a bad, where self becomes a personification of spite and blame projected outward and self carries no real responsibility as creation, this responsibility being the stead of moving into solutions once such a division has occured, that resolve the divisions into judgements, those acts of diminishing those around us within behaviors of limiting comments about another, where the solution is to do that which allows self expression in understanding what is here practically as creation to move in respect of all life, as this being-ness with creation is much more directive and fulfilling.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel sad about the loss of my friend.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that something was lost in the loss of my friend

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the world came to an end with the loss of my friend.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I feel laughter, the joy to want to laugh that the world of laughter will inevitably be taken away, where it is to realize that this is a memory, a past event, one that only defines me if I accept and allow it, as I realize that it is an act based on beliefs of what defines oneself .

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame my father for writing something that took my friend away.

I forgive myself for spiting my father for writing something that took my friend away.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself believe that something that was written took my friend away

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite my mother for saying that I would get over losing my friend and that new friends would come along to take the place of this friend, as though everything was disposable and replaceable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the world was a cruel and mean place to live because of social politics, because an adult extended what was said about one aspect of their life onto other aspects of their life, using the people around them to fight battles they believed were an onslaught against them, when it may just have been constructive criticism, and if it were not, then it was not something to define them, because in the end nothing defines us but what we accept and allow.

Within this I forgive myself for allowing and  accepting myself to believe that the loss of my friend was a spiteful act, when it was an act of self defense in a world where criticism of another is taken as fact and not investigated to see if it is constructive or just plain spiteful, because if it is constructive criticism then it is a gift to accept, and if it is spite, it is something to let go of, and as such, criticism of what someone does is not something to take personally and react to in using extended family as a means of retaliation, as just as I write here, that spiting and blaming my parents and the parents of my friend and my friend is not the solution, as the solution is to look at what was said, assess it and take that which is good, as that which might give insight in developing and expanding awareness, and/or to realize in practical common sense as being spiteful, and not something to take personally, which, in looking at both possible scenarios, one is self empowered to assess and then stand addressing the issue instead of going into acts of retaliation and revenge, of vindictive behavior to protect an idea about oneself based on the words of another, as protecting ideas about oneself in a state of being in protection and self defense instead of looking at what supports self in standing in ways that give self direction and the strength of self honesty.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that losing my friend meant that I lost the capacity of myself to enjoy the world around me, because I had placed laughter within a limited context as being something with this friend only.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that despite losing my friend, and even if this loss was based in the accepted and allowed  societal behaviors of spite and blame, on a lack of self honesty and ability to realize constructive criticism and competition,  fear of the words being a belief that the words of another defines the receiver of the words, does nothing to build a sound character who can withstand emotional storms of judgement, taking that which is good and does no harm and letting go of what is a consequence of believing words define us instead of words being the way and the means to communicate insights to allow us to expand in the understanding of life being the value.

When and as I find myself with water welling up in my eyes, I stop and I breath and I see, realize and understand that I was a child, caught in a world of competition within limited  beliefs that what another says about us defines who and what we are, in all a separation from and of the value being life, so why do we believe that words can define us, when they can change and are the way and the means of change as words are how we communicate and describe what is here, thus words are tools more than weapons, words are insight more than label, words are units to show us where we came from and where we are and where we can move to, that movement being what expands our awareness and understanding, movements that allow transformation, as this is life in formation from one expression to another, which is how we learn to become equal and one to being the creators that we are as being the very substance of life, were we not, then we would not be. Thus, it is to be here, and to realize that spiting and blaming as word formations/expressions, which is a sound formation, is a limitation of self being life in expression which is creation which is accepting change and development and  discerning what expands realizing that spite and blame and fear of being defined by words of another, is self in abdication of life, here.

When and as I become sad at the loss of a friend based on a politic of belief that what another says defines me/us, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that this belief that what another says about oneself when believed to define us, is a self feeling threatened and a fear of losing some standing within the community which is a behavior of survival instead of a behavior of being self honest, a behavior of looking at what another says and assessing the constructiveness of it, or lack thereof.

When and as I find myself believing that I lost a friend, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that though this might have been an instance where the adults in the wold around me allowed what was said to threaten their self definitions, this act cannot define who and what I am here.

When and as I find myself becoming sad, within and as the loss of my friend, where tears well up in my eyes , I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that I was a child in an adult world, and as such I am now the adult, so this past can only define me if I accept and allow it.

When and as I find myself becoming tearful based on a memory of the past about the sudden loss of a friend, I stop and I breath and I see realize and understand that I can laugh and be here, that I do not need one specific person to determine my ability to laugh,  as life is here, in this moment, and that I can only be here, in this moment as this is where life is lived.

Day 314 Disgust Character Behavior Dimension

I have a friend coming around who I have known for years. He hears about desteni, but is also aggressive towards me within wanting a relationship. Sometimes I have thoughtsthat I do not want him to come around because of this insistence. But I continue, because as long as he becomes more interested in a process of self realization, I will communicate with him. So, it is to realize a relationship is not an option, and yet to continue communication without any reaction towards his behaviors. Here I will forgive myself for the reaction I have towards his insistence, as this is only in the mind and not what directs here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this emotion of rejection as anger, as fear, as disgust is really myself not trusting myself within and as simply being here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become annoyed as the insistence of another.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being intimate with someone within my environment because I fear it will lead to more insistence within having a male female relationship, which in common sense cannot exist between us due to incompatibility, yet this does not mean an absence of communication and mutual understanding and support.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the aggressiveness of this person, not seeing realizing and understanding that in every moment I decide who I am and what i am, and the insistence of another does not determine myself here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a fear that this person will end up clinging to me, and then blaming me, for outcomes in life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am responsible for this person’s life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within feeling disgust and rejecting in fear of being blamed, I am in essence abdicatingmyself within self responsibility within and as directing myself within the moment  building an imaginary outcome which is a judgement, this in itself a separation from being present here, within each moment in and as breath, realizing that I can within each moment, as this is all there is, is the moment here, stop and breath, and bring myself back here, slow down and investigate what is best and from here, direct myself within and as what is best for all, thus there is no need to fear, or allow myself to become a reaction.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the anxiety that comes up within this, in fear of a bully is from my childhood in and as a fear of a paddle and or a whip, where I was a small child, where I notice a memory of myself facing this form of punishment used in my home, and it is like a huge dread and fear which is not here, not what is here, thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this fear is based on a memory from my past, of myself standing before punishment as a child, with no way out and only an extreme anxiety, which I am able to stand through as this is not here, and only a memory of the past.
I commit myself to slowing myself down when and as I notice a shortness of breath and a constriction of anxiety, to stop and to breath and to see, realize and understand that this is not what is here in this moment, and that I am able to use common sense and direct myself here within and as what is best for all.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding reactions within myself as energy, as memory as the past, that which cannot define myself here, unless I accept and allow this, thus I slow myself down and bring myself here, within breathing to see, realize and understand what is physically here, that can be practically lived though common sense within the principle of what is best for all, thus this memory as the past as a separation into energy, as a reaction is not what i am here and this fear and sense of self within being disgusted is a stagnant state of myself here.
I commit myself to not allow myself to become this reaction of a helplessness, as this is based on limited insight and thus not what is real here.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, with and as breath, when and as I begin to experience anxiety and physical constriction, to not allow this reaction to be what I am here, as I am able to remain here, and from this direct myself here.

                                                     Bring your SELF here. DIP Lite.  FREE

Day 266 Fear of speaking Thought dimension

I notice when I practice that I have a presence of someone watching me, my father or a “master teacher.” It is like I am waiting for the criticism and trying to gage this before it comes, looking for praise. So much so that I am not really focusing on what I am doing. I am paying attention to what another is thinking about me and what I am doing. This seems so huge and daunting. I have been doing this for a long time. Reminds me of being little and wondering where my father was in the house. Always this awareness. And the fear is unnecessary, as I have faced the criticism and lived through this, and even stood up for myself, and learned somewhat to direct myself despite this. What would happen is this presence of fear of criticism were brought back to myself , as myself directing myself? I can see where I cannot speak within this, my focus is not on speaking, not on myself, as being myself. My judgement is based on the response of another. I can sense this fear of letting this go, as though this is a protection I don’t want to give up. There is also a positive polarity attached to this, where I accept this as being okay because I will receive praise when I do well according to the judgement of another. This is placing a positive value onto/over a starting point of fear, a disconnect from myself as life, in self honest self direction as life. This then is a loss of common sense as myself directing myself absolutely being aware of myself equal and one to what is physically here, the only place I can direct myself. I can only deal with a “criticism” when it is given, and when it is given, I can then assess the common sense of it and direct myself, within what is best for all, within awareness of how the physical interaction as myself in common sense works, so expectation of criticism, sometimes masked as wanting praise, is pointless. This must stop within myself as I move, as the physical is here, and all I can do in common sense is look and begin to understand it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that being an expectation of criticism is a separation from common sense, as being in expectation is a state of separation from myself here being equal and one to and as what I am as a physical human being.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from myself into and as a projection of expectation, believing that I must protect myself having judged myself as “going to be criticized”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear criticism, to within this see, realize and understand that the physical moves in understandable ways, and thus what I can do is, in common sense, move with and equal to what is physically here, and direct myself here, even in the face of criticism.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that a parent has expectations of a child that are themselves demands lacking an awareness of being one and equal to and as the physical and how this functions having not been raised to understand, and be equal to themselves as the physical and are themselves in fear, being separate from common sense of the physical and thus, have expectations without understanding the necessary steps to and towards self development in specificity that is patient and guiding, and thus make demands that they themselves have no practical awareness of.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in trying to meet demands that are not specific, confusion sets in, much like an animalbeing trained to perform, where the trainer forces the animal having no understanding of the physical, no communication in common sense of the physical, no intimacy equal and one to the actual physical in detail, and thus, as mind only, has a picture, as an idea of an outcome, and expects this outcome - that lacks common sense- to immediately manifest, placing stress and fear on the pupil/subject as the pupil/subject is left trying to meet the demands/picture/idea without direction or development within physical awareness, so this is like asking for perfection suddenly without, and this just being an idea, any awareness of how the physical moves to become equal and one to an idea, where even within this, there is no such thing as perfection, as being is expression equal and one to and as the physical as life, which is in a state of movement and thus continual transformation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that even within this, when impatience and demands are made, contrary ideas are often expressed, where it is said that one is impossible and stubborn, meaning unwilling change or transformation ( fast enough) and then at the same time being asked to change, which would only cause confusion as two different directives are being given to the physical and self as life, which would cause confusion and a “crash” much like a computer, as two opposing directives would be difficult for a child to answer to, especially from a starting point of non direction within common sense of how this physical world in fact functions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to blame such actions/behaviors, as such separation from what is real as the physical has been going on for generations, and is the sins of the fathers passed down, as such, this separation from physical reality must be forgiven and simply realigned, as the solution is the prevention and thus the only choice to end confusion and suffering, as what is demanded on earth is done in ignorance, thus it is to stop ignorance and support life, to become equal and one to and as the physical, to give what is wanted to be received, as what else is there but to become life.

I commit myself to stop and to breath, when and as I find myself in expectation of criticism, based on a personality that is a collection of behaviors from starting points of fear as being separate from myself in common sense of physical awareness and development, as myself as life equal and one to what is here physically and how this functions, where I can blame no one, as all that need be done is to align myself in common sense practically with what is real, the physical, that which is equal in all that is here, to see, realize and understand that fear is separation and judgement based on limited insight, and so, has no directive capacity as life.
I commit myself to, when and as I find myself having a thought of the presence of an adult or “master teacher” and what they might think, to stop and to breath, and to bring myself here, equal and one, through and as breath, to equalize myself to what is physically present and to practice in common sense directing myself here.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to stand within myself as common sense of what is here, to no longer allow separation into and as fear, to pull myself back within a sense of vertigo, as fear, as judgement of inferiority or superiority, to stabilize myself here within physical awareness as what is best for all, with gentleness and humility, patience and calm as opposed to nervous anxiety and apprehensive tension, and to recognize every moment/breath of myself as physical separation in common sense of here.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to not allow thoughts, as images from the past, to direct myself here, to see, realize and understand that myself as life is able to move in common sense.

Day 142 Primary and secondary associations, self intimacy with the physical

Intime221L:R#030 (Photo credit: Torn Intime)

English: Intimacy 2.0 fashion by Studio Roosegaarde (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Day 142

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to associate being a woman, with images I encountered as a child, in a big red picture book, of black and white photos of a man and a woman exhibiting sexual positions, where my initial exposure to sex, was that it was something done between a man and a woman being physical together, where this book was more educational than pornographic.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that from this book I developed an idea, from these pictures, that being physical involved a woman and a man.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that being naked happened in the presence of a man, and that being self intimate physically involved the union of a man and a woman.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have separated from myself physically through the idea that physical intimacy involved a man and a woman.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this book, this big red book, was about sex between a man and a woman, and not about being self intimate with one’s physical self.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that self intimacy with one’s physical, involves becoming aware of self in totality, becoming intimate with how the mind works, how emotions and feelings and thoughts are self in separation from self as idea, belief and opinion, where images discovered as a child, in a world that did little to develop self awareness as self equal and one to one’s physical body are indirect representations and not self actually, specifically becoming aware of one’s physical body, thus must this be walked and learned, self intimacy with self, equal and one to one’s physical body, as though self as the physical is an instrument of life, and thus needs no images to stimulate self expression as life, enslaved to ideas as a relationship signifying life, such as mind images as a stimulant, where self has not even learned to express as self as life as the physical, thus has self as life never been expressed, where it is like the human has not learned of itself, and only follows superficial, unsatisfactory behavioral indoctrinated images of past generation as memory, so evident as what exists presently on this earth, as porn, child sexual abuse, animal abuse, isolation, impotency, aging, ill health etc. etc. etc.

When and as I find myself wanting to have sex, I realize this is a program, as idea, based on my past, and is not who I am, as I have never become intimate with and as what i am as this human physical body and that this intimacy does not necessitate the addition of a male, where how can one be intimate with another until one is intimate with self?

I commit myself to breathing, remaining here, developing self intimacy in equality and oneness to myself as life in and as this physical body.

I commit myself to breathing, here, and becoming aware of myself , one and equal to my human physical body, realizing that any images and pictures, ideas or beliefs as to what I am, as images from my past based on ideals, taught by a society lacking self intimacy, are a separation from myself becoming aware of myself as life, one and equal to the physical, that which is real.

I commit myself to realizing that becoming intimate with myself as life, must be done, this that was not developed within a system of inequality and thus enslavement of the physical to serve self interest of a few, as an understanding of self as life, one and equal, would realize equality.

I commit myself to breathing, self forgiving all thoughts, emotions and feelings, as these are the ideas, beliefs, and opinions collected from the past, within a society of inequality, that presents secondary heresy imagery and not direct physical awareness development of self as life, respecting the physical as what is real, as an instrument of life with which to express life, as this is the value.

I commit myself to breathing here, to self forgive this secondary information, and to walk as self within what i am as life, this being the primary information as what is real, as what is the value, equal and one to the principle of oneness and equality, to give as one would like to receive, to be able to walk in anyone’s shoes here on this earth, to orchestrate heaven on earth, beginning with self becoming self intimate, the primary source, the gift given, the value,  my self as life.

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation

What is Sex

The Soul of Money

Life Review

Related articles

• Day 39: Can You Overcome The Fear of DEATH ?
• Day 116 this is myself in and as hope and not life.
• Day 46: Running on Automated Pilot
• 146. Fear of Death
• Day 122: InSIDE Hide