Day 669the presence of a wall of memories; the effort to speak as a child.

What is a wall?

I woke up this morning with this word in  my head. I realize the sense of a ‘ wall’ around me is my own making. It only defines me if I accept and allow it.

I also heard a statement about the nature of Astrological signs this week. The woman said that water signs tend to be boundless. Funnily enough, in the group, the water signs were all on the edges of the group, where they could escape, remaining on the borders. 

Being of such a nature means that one can absorb everything and yet not be bound by it unless accepted and allowed, since one can change beliefs, opinions and ideas held within one, meaning one is not bound by such. And yet, this is a means to an end, meaning that one can understand something and let it go and change. One can expand perspective, learn and become more aware. Yet if the starting point is one of believing that one can be bound, and has a character of being boundless, then one is reacting to form, as belief, opinion and idea.

So the statement that one is boundless means that that quality of making the choice to be boundless is the same quality that can understand something for a moment and transform. Because the idea of being boundless means one is constantly transforming, as in rejecting and accepting what one chooses to believe, especially on a physical planet where it takes practical. measurable steps to get things done. If things are done in practical ways then what is real is right in front of us. When I am acting boundless, I am rejecting what is here, fearing to address it, fearing to call it by name and accepting the quality of it, and interacting with it in practical common sense ways.

Hence resistances are my own wall. My physical body tenses to resist what I believe will cause me harm. Because this belief is a measure within me, as an idea, it is myself in separation from being present in what enables me to live , and that is the physical world around me.

I have accepted a wall of belief, and that wall of belief becomes what binds me in limited ways. 

I recently had a memory come up of myself pushing myself to talk as a child. The memory is like an emotional veil. 

It was such an effort to do this, as though I was clenching myself within myself to ex-press the words I was playing with as sound. The anxiety behind this was great. Such a huge effort it seemed. 

Within the memory,  is the perspective of this, meaning the whole focus of myself was on moving myself within myself. My presence, like my eyes, were focused on this movement within me.

A memory can therefor me, a measure, a movement, a tiny slice of time and space. And each memory is like a different measure of movement, like currents in an ocean; some move slow because they are of such a simple movement within me, and others are fast moving, cluttered with debris as zip filed thoughts that are of belief, opinion and idea creating a story of justification for what has been created within that moves one, defines one, and ultimately separates one from being focused and present. In a way, it is a tying of all of this together, where one walks backwards, so to speak, through all of this and begins to see what was constructed with what builds memories within and a perspective of seeing not only this memorized within, and also, in tandem with, what is without as what is the real physical world that was there, that we each were within, become culture and language built personalities that became larger than life.

Who am I within what I accept and allow as beliefs, opinions and ideas? Since what is within is constructed, because it was not there when I was born, or until what seeds were planted as such states of being as the adults around me imbedded as measures of perspective within my DNA,  resonant because they are a form, a memory that can zip file information, what was I before all of this, even as the adults of my exposure and imitation,  around me walking in bubbles of a within made larger than life?

Measurable and math mathematically, this means I am built of what I am exposed to. This means that what is within me, must be equal in measure to seeing directly what is without that is me. This means that in the order of real living, my within must be cross referenced to what is without. This means that real trust, the trust of life, the acceptance of life, must be to realize equality and oneness to the physical. This is accepting everything as life, as creation.

This means that there is only here. 

I ask myself why there was so much anxiety attached in this memory to moving my body in such a way to be able to start speaking words? Was it that I only had words within a context of the beliefs, opinions and ideas of the humans standing within my environment? Was it that what I imitated was a different world than the world around me? Was it that I feared becoming this paranormal activity? Probably.

I notice in my chest, a movement that is not whole, and instead it is more like a hole, where what moves within this, is not sound, instead it feels like it pours out a racing thing, a film thing. I can answer it more, perhaps if I look at this from another angle. It is like it fears taking in other forms. and the consequence is that it is ‘ of an effort’ to change outside of pictures and ideas within and as me. I notice that in some instances taking in information about ‘ finances on the world stage’ is a genre/formation/structure that I have great difficulty with. I have to in these instances really slow down and assess the information as though it is so foreign to me. I tell myself that it is  a measure, a form that can be understood with continued assessment. The contrast of this change to assess this form, as the financial part of the present system,  exists in contrast to what races within my heart/chest that is like a thing as a measure as a form, that resists changing itself.  And yet, this is where I notice at times I can reform myself within understanding others areas of living, as in assessing how to organize some spatial thing in my direct world, my home- for example.

The anxiety comes up in some things my mind projects as words, as statements, such as; I can’t see that,” or “ I can’t grasp that,’ “ must get this”.

There is a sense that I really do not see the consequences of what I am doing. I am only imitating the world around me as trying to fit into what exists be it good or bad, right or wrong, and yet there is a thread of dread in some respects as though this short circuits the physical as me.

I can feel the anxiety of speaking within this, accumulating in my solar plexus, and then moving into my chest to flow out in a way that is of information that does not tell the whole story. It skims the surface.  When I become more ‘ boundless’ I notice that I am being change, and within this, the absence of anxiety happens, as less accumulates within my solar plexus, as I am busy assessing more than what is within me, I am slowing down and also sensing form and function of what is here. The red flag being when the information that is me, has to change and there is resistance because that information is not congruent with being present and here.

As a musician, I always has this sense that words were do limited, so one-dimensional. They moved too slowly to really have a presence in wholeness. Music seemed so much more a means of expressing a greater measure in a moment. And yet, words were sound too. Seeming contradiction.   One of the designs of our present system is that it does not allow for the time it takes to investigate. Yet is we are racing as a within that is not equal to what is without, we lose an innate ability to assess and understand form and structure around us, and hence we build a structure within that is in a relationship with limitation instead of complete understanding. This becomes what so many have accepted and allowed, which is a personality that has no real responsibility. And that is a crime against one’s self, a crime against life. No wonder so many are standing up and speaking about what is unacceptable in this world, and which is not placed on the mainstream media, because what is being expressed that is unacceptable, does not fit into the limitation that supports the limitation as one’s acceptance and allowances within one’s personification that is a metaphysical inner construct as one’s memory. 

I will do some self forgiveness in relation to the anxiety I felt as this memory, about speaking words, using this physical body to speak words using what I imitated around me, that caused a suppression that manifested as emotions accumulating in my solar plexus, and being formed into words that did not tell the whole story and therefor lacked a wholeness within my chest area.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that speaking words was an extra-ordinary effort.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that speaking words was a huge effort

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get so caught in speaking words that I did not notice the effects of this on my physical body.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was a child, attempting to behave as the adults in my world around me, and that to do this, I had to speak words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel very exhausted within summoning all of myself to move my physical body into speaking words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within and as speaking words, and becoming at the same time exhausted within and as doing this, that I did not assess what I had done, as I simply accepted this without investigating what the consequence of this was within and as me.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I became so focused on the words and the effort to speak words that being aware of anything outside of that was ignored.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what my physical body as myself was doing was learning something new, placing into practice as me, some new formation of what I as a physical form could be and do,  that my focus on that and the praise I received for this,  distracted me from what I existed as before, that was what reformed to speak words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that in being able to speak words I was somehow more that what I was in contrast to before being able to speak words as the only value I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is okay to enjoy speaking as in participating in some means of expression as speaking words, yet not to make this a more than, a greater value, something to be proud of as in an end game value  to define who and what I am, where realizing that this change and self expression with the physical is movement and living, and that this is ongoing, meaning it is being present, participating in creation in expression, as this is eternal and cannot be lost.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I find myself accumulating emotional bodies within and as my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand where I am resisting investigating measure and form around me, as this is information that is not what I have accepted and allowed as a belief, as a measure within and as me. hence I slow down and I change within and as me, what I have accepted and allowed and the means of this, to reform through assessment and evaluation and realize that I can express this movement into considering all things, my own acceptances and allowances and what is without structurally, until I realize a form that is whole, as in directive into expanding awareness so my within can be equal and focused without, stable, grounded and at ease, as this is the absence of emotions and feelings of lack, comparison, resistance in competition of aggrandizing my within as ideas, beliefs and opinions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts such as “ this is too hard’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts such as “ I can’t do this,’ or “ I can’t grasp this,” or “ must get this.’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear not matching the words of another.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding the fun of this, over all, as speaking words and moving my physical body  as the means of expression which is fun and means that I am the director of what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the sounds that I emit, to fear making sounds, in fear of making a mistake, when learning means that one must attempt formation, and that means becoming equal in measure to something, which takes time and involves making mistakes, as this is the way and the means of realizing where I am not in total understanding of something, as this is by nature a process.

When and as I find myself tensing up, within and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I assess the thoughts and the emotional veils of memory from my past and the reactions I had within that memory, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that I am here, that that which builds is that which can reform and move into transforming who and what I am here, surrounded by creation as the physical, and within the construct of separation as the present system, and myself as a personality composed of limited measures in separation from being grounded and whole, equal and one to all life, which includes that physical as this is what is here before a mind consciousness was accepted and allowed to be bigger than life itself.

When and as I find myself moving into anxiety, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the past as memory is no longer what I am here, and that the means to building my memory, as my experience, within the present system is the means of change, the means of slowing down, assessing and investigating what is here, to see, realize and understand what is best for all, as this is best for myself.

When and as I find myself tensing up and/or feeling anxious,  I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess, investigate, evaluate, my within mind consciousness and the without as the physical world that is at the moment influenced by the limited measure accepted and allowed my myself,  and I follow through in practical application what accepted and allowed judgements as lacks within and as me that I believed protected and defended my accepted separation from respecting all life as me, here, and I ground myself through forgiving my own beliefs, opinions and ideas, based on a past where I followed and imitated my without, absent consideration of all things, as I accepted and allowed self interest before respect for all things.

When and as I find myself tensing up within and as me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I become equal and one as the living word here, to ground my within, in and as my chest area to speaking in wholeness in what is in consideration of all things, as the physical as this is life information, here.

When and as I find myself skimming the surface of reality and the measure of accepted and allowed limited beliefs, opinions and ideas to define me as my within, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I realize that I am possible as who and what I am, life, here.

When and as I sense  a wall around and as me, as a sense of resistance to what is here around me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that the real “ wall’ is the all, of and as me as us, as we, here, as the physical, and I assess and investigate my within and the without, until my personified wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas, as memories, as experiences, as data, as measure, are self forgiven in equality and oneness with and as the physical here, becoming a living word that is in tandem with life, as being the consideration of all things, taking that which is good and does no harm, to plant a seed of information equal and one to and as life, here.

Day 665 I am here.

I have this pain in my left foot at times. Not really strong. It feels like a presence, a veil of something heavy and dark.  It is spite, which is a suppression of myself, a holding back, in order to survive. It is taking on a personification to fit into a metaphysical measure, the data and all its limitations of inflated values in the world around me of a system that believes a memory is more than the physical. It is  a resonance of justifications for accepting values to define me, from a starting point of a fear of losing something because I compared myself, instead of remembering understanding of myself as creation information. I end up wanting to cry.

Crying is missing something. Yet if I understand that this suppression leading to a sadness is missing something, then I understand the problem.  I am missing through that which I am allowing, which is the suppression of myself as life to survive as a consequence of separation from all that is me. 

If I am becoming a form within to survive, and this form is suppressing something, causing a sadness- which is like a justification in self pity for a choice that one has made, then this would be what accumulates and becomes what defines me. I become the action and thus character of my own acceptances and allowances. I become the measure of what I resist to survive, to fit in and what I resist as the very means of becoming the limitation, will remain. Ironically, this self that absorbs and forms to understand and experience is a really great gift and the means of no longer accepting the limitation, the personification of information to define who and what I am, having believed that my memory within is more , or greater than all that is me and outside of me, which is the physical. 

And, to realize how I accepted and allowed this, I must find the starting point: that little movement that lead into this suppression that is myself limiting myself! That word that was an accepted measure that lead to this belief that to survive I had to fit into/accept a limitation, or a measure and allow that to be an end game of self definition, fearing change. That which lead to the pain in my foot, this that I can go into, because this is the why and the how of what I accepted and allowed as limitations of measure that I believed enabled myself to survive. 

What does luck tell me about this? Luck is having some measure with which to direct myself in ways that enabled some outcome of movement. If I considered myself lucky without realizing this, then I labeled myself as being luck without realizing that it was information, as measure, as data that I had accumulated in such an ordered way that my self direction lead to some successs.

This means that being unlucky, was simply not having enough information to direct myself. Like not passing a test. A mis-take of reality, which means correction is possible. We all understand when we did not pass a test that we simply did not know the information well enough to generate it with success. This means that we had not understood the information, we did not get to understand the form enough to stand equal to it.

Thus, my suppression is a self accepted and allowed " unluckiness”!  And sadness is myself moving in self pity, blaming my own pit of ‘ not understanding enough to generate with ease.” My sadness is my longing to for understanding with myself, that which I lost in a belief that i had to survive, focusing on a belief in lack instead of understanding the information around me, that is physical inform.

The way out is to forgive the formation and self correct the measure. This change is done with the same that accepted the limited form. Which is really cool. And, it means that the only solution is self for giving into a self correction, discovering with that which accepted the lack and believed in luck and un-luck, to find/discover what creates an information that directs with ease. This means grounding myself into all things, equal to the physical. This demands being present here in this physical reality. this means being focused here.

My suppression is a state of fear. It is a fear that if I do not do what I believe would allow me to survive I would cease to exist.  These accepted and allowed actions in a past, remain as imprints of emotional veils, and they can be sensed, because that which builds, that which accepts is what fears nothing, because it is busy sensing/being, it has no judgement because it comes from nothing to formation. Hence, I can sense what measure I accepted, the residual of a mistake done in self interest without investigation, and self correct. The record of this is cool, because I can learn and make sure that it is never done again. That is very cool. It is using the gift of myself as life.

This also means that suppression is spite and this is, overall, an act of protection and self defense. I am, in that moment of suppression protecting myself, defending myself from some action in my world that, because this started as a child, probably did not have the means to communicate what was a means to balance out a situation and create what luck is, enough information to direct in ways that ground living in practical terms that build movements that cause no harm. 

On a greater scale this would be movements, or expressions, that lead to no accumulation of “ elephants in the room" of “ debt accumulation" of behaviors that cannot function in self directive ways, as all our attention deficit dis-orders in children reveal. All of this must be corrected, and since it all started with a movement, the measure of that creation is the means of correction,  then our constant protection and defense to survive characters, that are us suppressing life, can change, and can become a fluid movement, as the ability to change in every moment in ways that consider all things and take that which is good and does no harm. Then would there be no fear, instead there would be stability and fun, self discovery and creation. There would be no fighting as each would realize how this works and how much fun and joy would become the experience of self as life.

This is what is meant by a ‘ living word’, it was always right here in front of us, and it is the only way to life. It is the message of oneness and equality, it is the principle of what is best for all. It is being present here. It is what all seek. 

Why would one want this? Imagine being able to solve problems? Imagine being able to be at ease and focused, not fearing to communicate with others? Imagine an absence of stress, and a realization that being present here, and ordering what is around one - which one is doing anyway-  can be done in ways that remove doing that that is not allowing one’s full potential to express itself? 

Men can do so many things, and it is being able to do many things, that balance out a life and integrate one’s awareness into creation. This is where everyone wants to be. Even the elite want this. The only way is to ensure that this earth is balanced, every part moving in its utmost capacity, fitting perfectly into creation. Men are beautiful machines, and can build a world where the value is life. There is no ‘ more’ than this, anything else is an illusion.  Anything else is a memory made larger than all things, as the physical which is life information. 

It is time to germinate the seeds of our potential, it is right there, within, wanting to be self discovered because this is the gift that keeps on giving within each and every one of us. It is the only way. It is the principle of do what is best for all. It is the principle of oneness and equality. It is the golden rule, to give as one would receive.  It is a memory equal and fluid with the physical world in thought, word and deed in every moment, here. It is being equal to the breath of life. It is Being EARTH, our hearth, our heart.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite the world around me, to protect and defend a memory within, as a measure of understanding that separated from the gift of life, as the physical information as what creation is.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to project blame, onto objects around me, not seeing realizing and understanding that I am protecting an idea about who and what I am, which means I am protecting information, because I believe that this information will allow me to survive, when this information as me, can be equal and one to all things, as the physical world around me that is me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my fear is simply not standing equal and one, for a moment, within information, as what surrounds me, and is physical, as this is the means of life in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear losing something as an idea, that I have defined myself within and as.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when and as I fight, I am in conflict with life, as I am protecting an idea within myself, as myself as life, as the creator that I am, as the information former that I am,  I in essence fight for a formation, forgetting how this works, forgetting that I am the information that is me, and that this information is a reflection of the practice of life in expression that is physical in formation as creation would be and do.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that communication as how men reflect with inner understanding with the outer manifestation of life, is a way and means to cross reference a perspective, to share formation understanding and to reference understanding to realize what would do no harm and be an act of respect for life, a physical formation here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fight.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in resistance I am existing as spite, which is not realizing that  I can understand in a moment, assess/critique/sense-measure, and the create/transform/change, using the capacity of myself as life to focus here, build here what considers all things, leaving nothing behind, informing the world around me with the directive that realizes what is best for all, as this is best for myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to throw out into reality the drone of my self accepted and allowed fear, as the measure of my idea that what I define myself as that I protect and defend in self interest, believing this can be lost and that I will not survive as what is a very limited behavior and meanwhile there right in front of me, all the while, I am life, as the physical, hence I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite what does not fit into a memory of information that I have accepted and allowed to define me, and have made greater than reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hurt myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my sadness is of my own accord, as I believed a memory, that is  a measure about reality, is more than the reality from which it is built, which is the physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear change.

When and as I find myself tensing up within and as me, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that it is the nature of myself as life that is change.

When and as I find myself becoming stagnant, as in feeling sad, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that I can change.

When and as I find myself becoming fixed as ideas, beliefs and opinions within and as me, I stop and I breath, and I assess what I have accepted and allowed as a measure, and I assess as cross reference the world around me, and I slow down and choose, through change within of what I have accepted and allowed as a memory as a measure, as data, as information, to ground my within to the without, to realize what does no harm, taking that which is good, to realize in every moment, in thought, in word, in deed,  that which is best for all is what is best for self.

                                   I am here.

Day 557 A belief as " having to contend with a group."

Memory pops up of middle school. Lost my “ best “ friend. When I found out she was running for Orchestra President, I decided to run too. I ran and I won. She cried at the bus stop that day. I was a mixture of elation at having won and guilt that I had run in reaction. I realize at that moment too, that she had moved into another circle of friends, all of whom were more sexually mature than I. 

So, this memory, this imagination comes up with the word “ some.”  A sense that I have to begin to contend with the collective, the forces of social groups, more like I become aware of them. And with this a sense that I have to comply with this or lose ground.  A sense that the limitation of this, cannot be, I can’t allow it.

It is this idea that i have to contend with a group, a social group. But inherent in the “ contend” is the belief that a group is contentious in relation to me. That there is a con - dition in relation to being involved with the social groups formed around me. When I am with a group I must tend to the “ intentions “ of the group. I have already separated myself from myself as life in and as a belief that I as life must live by the limited, but not all “ bad” values of the group and forgo myself com[pletely. But, in reality, as physical beings in life expression, there is really only that which is best for all, as what is best for this physical world, as the expression of life, is what is best for me. Anything, any resistance is really a resistance to being myself as life in common sense of respect for the physical formation of and as life, the manifestation of  creation, the physical showing what works and what resists the expression of life, all of which moves and changes, and which, as this change, as this manifestation, can only happen here. It is only HERE that life can exist. It is only here, that direct seeing can exist. And here, words on paper, and more words on paper as laws that bind them, can create a world that lives in a past, a selective past, which is a limitation. Which means that a control in self interest fears change, and has taken an idea about itself, and made it more than life, wanting the world around it, to change in an order that allows it to remain the same. And the physical world is always in a state of movement, so such must limit the life moving around it.

So, either moving as myself here, or within a group, as in facing the social groups within this present system, the principle that directs must remain the same, which is to be self as life, which is to move as what is best for all, which is common sense. One can investigate, and the group can investigate, to ensure that what is in action, is what considers all life and does what is best for all. The present divisions each clusters into to survive, that each lies by omission to remain within, a form of ignorance, that change over time as the limitation accepted as the group belief system, eventually does change, because the limitation turns into a sense of loss and/or becomes aware of its own limitation, and a more is sought, self not realizing that it is self who has accepted the limitation, which has nothing to do with the group. So the group disperses, not wanting to admit that the choice to be in the group in the first place, had a starting point of limitation, having believed that the group would be a gain. And as such all constancy is lost, and one does not build an awareness that allows one to stand the same, today, tomorrow and yesterday, where one has the directive capacity to respect the life that is here.

A group is a gain, as in men working together, but the principle directing the group must be equal to the principle within self, which is to do what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for self, as self is a physical manifestation of and as life, the physical being the means of life.

I mean we see this in the practices of men all around the world, how the physical substance of this world is being used and divided without regard for consequences. Not only is the resources of and as the very physical means of the expression of life taken apart, divided and then marketed to create a demand based on an idea that is a truth about singular aspects of practical living, but also, the spoils of such is transferred onto paper and divided in unequal ways, and the waste is left for the ones who actually did the labor, and the means of access, as money, is upholding a group sustaining an idea of being more based on appearance of values, selective ones,  and the vocal means to tout them, having accumulated the wealth that is an illusionary value placed onto a piece of paper. It is like a collective amnesia has become what mankind is. And this amnesia, is self fearing to stand as what self is, as life, where what would disperse this amnesia, is a directive, as a principle, to do what is best for all.

So, I stand as the principle of what is best for all, as this is what is best for self, and as this is what can withstand the fickle nature of groups that give no stability because the motivation is based on beliefs, opinions and ideas, and as this is what can lead to stability within self, to see directly here, something that would bring a constancy instead of a con-tention, to see directly  and look for what supports this world, this physical manifestation of and as life, in ways that allow a participation that leaves no one behind, that leaves no waste, that has no one getting to a point where they become a belief that they have to contend with a group. Each has done this, and each knows it is a separation from self as life,here. It is time to put an end to this, and to stand as what is best for all, as this is what is best for self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I have to contend with a group, as a starting point.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see a group as separate from me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give a group an ominous presence, as something that is composed of idea only, and not what is real, as the physical formation of and as life, as that inherent within the physical forms which is the nature of life, which is to do what is best for all, realizing that at present the imaginations of men have become more than what is real, which is the physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from a group, and standing within and as me as a belief that I must attend to the beliefs of the group, and forgo, forget myself as life, which is myself moving as mind as a starting point of belief instead of standing as all of me as myself as a physical being, the manifestation of and as the means of expression of life, which is the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within this belief as contending with a group, I have accepted and allowed myself to become an idea as mind, before equality and oneness with and as the physical here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the physical world is the means of the expression of and as life, and as such, this respect of the physical, must be realized and understood as the starting point of choices made as self, which when the choice of each, would transform this world in a very short period of time, to a world of discovery, support, transformation: transformation being the real value, one lived with common sense, the most fulfilling experience because it moves in consideration of all life, of all expression, with what is tangible, as imagination is just this, an image in and as mind, and not the full sensation of life, as the physical.

When and as I find myself believing I must contend with a group, or as this, a belief system, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that I am existing as idea as mind, and I look to the beliefs done in comparison in self definition as beliefs, and I forgive such beliefs, and investigate to see what is best for all, which is to consider all things as me, and to choose that which is good and does no harm, and within this realizing that at present because of the separation into and as limited ideas as mind before life, that this is going to take come collective effort to balance out from a past composed of choices that were made in separation from equality and oneness to and as life, and yet, can transform in less time than the accumulation of separation took in time, as time is the illusion of separation, and the physical world is here, as it has always been.

When and as I find myself feeling contentious, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand where I am reacting in self interest beLIEving I will lose a belief about myself- having accepted such as a self definition in separation from common sense, in and as wanting to prove, for example,  that I am worthy when the world is changing around me and I had remained in a past, or stop what I as belief find limiting and or unacceptable as my own generated energetic actions of blame and spite based on a cultural morality, or accepted definitions of gender, instead of as a directive capacity within the principle of equality and oneness, and or, join in to survive, I stop and I investigate within and without, to become a directive principle in and as what is best for all, and move as a solution  as that being what in practice builds step by step, what is of a common sense measure of awareness that is equal and one to and as the physical to see realize and understand that which respects the physical, which means in practice, taking that which is good and does no harm, here, as time is the illusion, and what is real can only be here, which many realize in their daily lives and as such, must be realized collectively and placed structurally as a system with all that is of this world.

Day 550 The storied existence of the NOW and the presence of HERE.

I am looking at the word “ now.” It means to be a historical story as a point that is a sequence of events built from a past.  This means that one is in a state that is of a story of a series of events. If I allow myself to be defined as this, then I am not here, I am a “ now” instead of a here. And as this, I take events within a bordered historical reference and define myself as this. One can do this in a moment, to clarify a sequence, but to define as this only is to become a program of and as this. Would this not slow perception down, if one were this only, as a definition? And, would not what was not included, what did not maintain this story, be rejected? And then would this “ now” separate one from here, from aligning oneself here?

So, to exist as a repetition of the past, is to become a limited self definition, which so many of us do when we talk about what school we went to, and what area we came from, or what the history of our family was, or how much money we have or do not have, and /or what we missed or lack based on our economic opportunity- because it takes money in this system to develop oneself - which begs the question as to why we allow lack! Would we not be programming ourselves in allowing a past sequence of events to define us and as such justify why we are what we are? This is in essence programming because it is a state of being that is reciting a sequence of events, which is essentially reciting our past program of events. And as this, we are not looking at the form and structure of here objectively, which means we are busy with story as past, and not realizing the patterns as our story, bringing them here, and seeing the structural whole systemically that is creating the consequences we recite as our stories!

So, in essence we are programming ourselves instead of being objective about the subject of our lives as what the systemic form subjects us to in terms of access to development. And we know how a human is developed to reach their full potential, and we know that many potentials do not fit into the economic model that believes some are more than others, which is another storied belief system held in place by the individual programs of story based on ignorance of the limitations of being a now past. Now, a program of such self limitation holds in place a system of judgement called hierarchy using money, which is wealth from freely given resources to maintain story that is in separation from practical physical reality. The program of hierarchy takes a lot of effort to maintain itself, because it is counter to practical reality, to being here, in common sense of what enables such programming, which is the physical.

In the “ now” programming, conception is lost, because the conception of self as mind, is of a sequence of events, instead of a conceptual development of physical reality, on which the “ now” exists.  To move from a limited conception to a direct seeing conception will appear to be a loss, when it is a loss that removes a storied, programmed inner picture show built of value judgements based on past story in a system of inequality built from a storied in-separation of common sense of the whole presence. Here presence - as inclusion of practical reality allows self to gain an awareness of a living breathing, creation of life information, which is life expression, here. So, it is to say this change is a loss of belief, that is a gain of life. The gain is to be on the cutting edge of creation. Creation would be sound, using all of the physical to balance and ensure that all forms are moving in ways that do no harm. This is something we have never experienced, so we do not know what life is because we have been so busy, for eons, telling stories because we have allowed ourselves to program ourselves as a story of value/ self definitions and then move into comparison of story being competition, instead of enjoyment of expression, realizing that all expression is in many ways discovery and being here, in common sense of practical physical reality. So every expression, every form is a gift to understand creation, and as such the enjoyment of being life, here. The real “ story” is the physical. If we can read this, and make this our story, then one would exist as a multisensory living direct seeing expression equal and one to the story of life as the actual real physical here. So, how do you define yourself?

This is why, our words must become living words, instead of storied/programmed limitations of self validation infearior to life. Real validation is to cross reference with the physical, with every breath, to enable equality and oneness with and as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become frustrated at the storied past of another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to another’s story, another’s self perpetuating program as a sequence of events believed to define, and within this to reject listening, where it is listening that allows me to see the patterns of limitations, and the opportunity to walk such limitation into equal and one understanding of practical physical reality here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that walking through a  limited storied existence is burdensome, which is myself fearing that such a program will infect me, but the solution is to give as I would like to receive which is to walk limitation into a self discovery of equality and oneness to practical physical reality, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to resistance to simple definition of words, for example, where a response is that a word is known, and within this, the subject immediately changed to avoid being clear within a measure  as a movement that appears to be a slowing down, when such slowing down is building an ease as a foundation that is equal and one with and as a measure of practical physical reality here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want a quick fix, and within this to not see realize and understand that I allow myself to become an agenda and as such a storied existence, instead of taking the time to use a limitation being a believed program of and as a means to be life, which it cannot, thus such separation can end the race as time, and begin the journey to equality and oneness to and as life here, by walking the measure of becoming the living word, learning to read practical reality, to become a reed of and as life here, sounding equal and one to and as life, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how limited values are elongated in space and time and storied, repeated again and again, which in many ways is an emotional storm that cannot withstand the test of time, and as such peaks and dies, and which cannot define me unless I accept and allow this paranormal movement of this energy instead of sound equality, this paranormal that is a ghost/projected shadow in the machine of a human allowing and accepting a self definition based on past events, such events at present being a consequence of the accumulation of such behavior that has now manifested into a system held in place by such actions having automated genetically, as memory can be passed down generationally, like a pollution of story that was never cleaned up which means aligned to practical common sense of physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear standing equal and one to a program of limitation, which can only define me if I accept and allow this to do so.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the physical as life information, is here, like a cradle, as a sound information, gifting practical reality as the physical sound formation of an as life, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my emotions and feelings are the accumulation of the thoughts that are a measure of a part of existence, a part of a quality of the physical, which i accumulate and allow to build a self definition because I fear being equal and one with and as life, the physical, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that there is nothing to lose and everything to gain, in letting go of an automated self definition as a storied past, as the now, because the physical is here, with every step I take, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the mind as a thought is a part of reality, not good or bad, just an aspect, a quality of and as the formation of the physical expression in and as life here, one that can change with every breath, but when the imagination is made larger than life and the thought allowed to define self, limitation sets in as the part is accepted and allowed to define, and the gift of life that is the physical mechanism becomes less than the imagination.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within this I project onto others what does not support the state of being of myself as an imaginative part only, becoming blame and spite as my accepted and allowed behavior, which is to spite myself as life, as I exist as a default as mind, as memory instead of equality and oneness to and as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I blame the poor because the poor reveal to myself the parts I take to create a self definition that I then impose on the world around me to accept or else have no chance at survival, seeing realizing and understanding within this, that in order for my self justification to be real, what reveals my limitation must be removed, which overall is a crime against life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that systemically the order, the measure of the world system, is the image and likeness of what i allow within and as me as a storied existence that is my imagination built of limited parts that I have accepted and allowed to define me, where I allow the destruction of whole countries to turn resources into commodities to maintain the ghost in the machine as my personification that is composed of parts creating a limited design as a system from a starting point of self allowing inferiority to and as what i am as a physical being in creation which would be the way and the means of life, thus by my very accepted and allowed  limited storied existence as mind imagination made larger than life, known as ego, ordered as class, nationality, money acquisition,  belief, experience, idea opinion,  I fade into white as age and consume the very flesh formation of expression as life as the physical, so I allow the destruction of life on earth in not being equal and one to and as the physical world here.

When and as I have a thought, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that within this I  can stand in common sense of practical physical reality, which is the means and expression in and as life, here.

When and as I find myself in thought, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that such thoughts i have allowed and accepted to define me, as a thought can be a positive value that I believe is what I am, or a negative value as an emotion that I have allowed to define me as a good or a bad, all based on a past within a system manifest of same action accumulated over time, but which began with self, and as such must be equalized back into practical physical reality as this is the way and the means of life.

When and as I find myself becoming emotional, or excited as a feeling, i stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand how I have defined myself as idea, belief or opinion, because of experiences of a past within a system that is an automated manifestation of separation from equality and oneness to and as life here.

When and as I find myself fearing for my survival, I stop and I breath and I see, realize and understand that money is flowing in the form or usury, which is to take parts of qualities of life as resources and to move them through limited pathways to support a self definition that is a composition of belief based on an imagination that is in separation from common sense of practical reality, where whole nations are destroyed to turn water - for example- into a commodity to usuriously pre-empt a common sense local use of that resource that could organize the local, regional, national, physical earth in ways that create a self directed order that respects and maintains the physical life that is there directly on the ground, which would be a system of stewardship of earth, which is to exist as a state of being, equal and one to and as the life that is the physical, as this is the way and the means of and as the expression of life information.

When and as I find myself judging, as being in a state of story as a self definition as a mental “ now”, I stop and I breath and I see realize and understand that I have become a parasitical energetic flame of limited parts that consume the flesh as the formation of life as what allows me to exist as the gift of life, here, and I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, to stand equal and one to the parts as values of good and bad, as my accepted and allowed self definition, and I see realize and understand this usurious ghost in the machine as my personification that is myself existing as a paranormal event, and I bring myself here, to become equal and one in measure of common sense with and as the means of life, which is the physical world, to stand as what I am as the presence and substance of and as life, equalizing myself into practical reality, standing in common sense with and as the substance of the physical here to become of sound mind which is myself in equality and oneness to bearth myself into the physical as this is the way and the means of life here.

When and as I find myself becoming an emotional/feeling reaction, I stop and I breath, and I see what I reject and what I impose to define me, as thoughts, in protection and self defense of myself as an imagination which is a mis-use of the tool of imagination, as this is a paranormal event I am accepting and allowing creating an elongation of limited measure separating myself from a direct seeing conception of physical reality and as such a loss of common sense, and I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I bring the parts as self definitions back to self, to align in common sense to equality and oneness to and as life, here.

Day 538 Self Forgiveness Arguing Limitations

 Yesterday I had a lot of back chat coming up. I would notice this and then find myself in another scenario, an imagination in my mind. Each time, I was like a victim, but arguing, as in justifying my stance. It went from explaining things to a family member, which I forgave and then stopped, only to find the same thing happening about a disagreement with a neighbor.  I forgave this, and then I went into a “ what if” scenario. By the evening, I began to notice this pattern within myself, myself the victim and the world needing something explained. 

At the moment I have some decisions to make that are taking some time. And, I am learning how to speak with others in ways that I have not directed myself within using a specific kind of structure. Within this, what is interesting is that my music background keeps popping up. I begin to see everything like a movement. Like a multidimensional movement, and then I want to explain all of this. But there, within this, remains this defensive approach, as my patterns are showing me, my starting point is from myself believing i am a victim, which means I am not standing equal to what I am presenting, because there remains this sense of not being understood, or being a victim, which also means that I feel inferior, incapable, which in turn means that I believe I hold something superior. The polarity game spinning around as an argument, imagination in and as my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to come from a starting point as a belief that i am a victim.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am not understood.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that I am not understood.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as an idea that i am not understood.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am not understood based on a past, where, perhaps this is from when I was a child and did not have the vocabulary, the inner measure as the words to explain myself in ways that were clear, and even if I did, as I was a child, that perhaps the adults would not have heard me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want another to stand equal to me in understanding as a starting point, instead of standing equal and one to and as the words and measure of description that I am communicating.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use communication from a starting point of accusation, in a protection and defense manner, which make the matter that I am focused on a point of fear with an imagination of  an idea as a gain, and as such a fear of loss, of failure, instead of  common sense , here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that it takes time to reform and transform misinformation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into self blame, when and as I have not had an outcome that matched an expectation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, within this, carry the past with me, and fear an outcome that does not meet the expectations I expect.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then go into a self expectation that impossibility exists.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that the misinformation of judgement within and as me, which I have accepted and allowed, is too much, is too deep, is a lot, that it is impossible for me to ever clear this up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am mis-understood.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like I have been saying something, over and over again for two years, and it appears that i can get no one to hear me, and that the fault of this is that I have too much cognitive dissonance that it is impossible for me to be able to reach others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe , within this, that I am a hopeless case, as others have come and are in the leadership position, because I could not speak in ways that allowed others to be equal in understanding.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  feel so confused, because I had stood in front of a group of children and thought to change the very fabric of their understanding, and what I walked with them had an immense effect, to such a degree that the reactions of the adults was one of silence, and here I am having moved into more understanding of this, and still, I have not been able to reach anyone, even when I practiced what i preach - so to speak, with positive results.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like I stand in from of a mass of movement, and still I am not heard, within this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have such a thought.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel frustrated when I do not even get some kind of response from another, and to have the thought that this is what is happening.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand within this that I can only be here, that a cup is a cup, and a word is a measure of here, and that this is the value of the word, in that it is a unit of measure of here, as it can really be nothing other than this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the emotional/feeling movement within and as me, is myself not being equal and one here, as I can only address what is the state of measure, within and without here, and that it takes time to balance out misinformation which means walking this in thought word and deed again and again until it is done.

When and as I find myself becoming uncertain, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that the fabric as the world around me, and the movement as mind as men, gives its separation away as the words spoken, and as such can be realigned in common sense of what has been accepted and allowed, in a world where men exist as energy as idea , impulsed for generations within a system of each human abdicating the within as life into limited measures of awareness of space and time, and as such creating a separation from functioning in equality with practical reality,  as the starting point was an idea of a more than, where the memory within and as the inner structure of the human, is a me sure as a me more, as a value judgement of the within picture being more real that the without reality that is what allows that within to exist, thus it is for me to stand here, within and as what is best for all, as this is what is best for self, and to see, realize and understand that in arguing my limitations, I am, as a whole, not standing equal and one here.