Day 98 The character of the petrified deer standing in the headlights.

When was the first time I felt I had failed? I some up with a memory of running from the barn into the house, my hands filled with baby mice. Small and pink. I show them to my mother. She screams, the baby mice go down the toilet. I remember the shock. I remember the an expression on my face, complete abrupt confusion. An immediate abrupt change from joy to horror. I had caused a reaction of disgust and managed to have some baby mice to be flushed down a toilet. I remember the sides of my mouth turning into a frown, myself feeling dismayed, my eyes blinking, like a “deer in the headlights.” 

It had all happened so fast.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be surprised by what happens within and on this earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become conflicting emotions and feelings where I stand like a dear in the headlights.

I forgive myself  for allowing and accepting myself to not be able to speak when I am in situations where I am surprised.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel powerless when I am in situations/having experiences where I freeze/become petrified/ am like a deer in headlights unable to respond.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that, as in the event/experience from my childhood I am met with a reaction that is not what I imagined in and as my mind and within this I become petrified, like a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be so involved with what I am expecting as an outcome in and as what I envision within my desire as a event/drama/outplay/scenario that I stop and stand in surprise and become like a deer standing in the headlights of a car and become forgetfulness of what is actually here, existing and moving physically  and within this am no longer able to accept what is actually real, physically, and stand one and equal to.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when the outer world does not meet my inner expectations I freeze and stand like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car, where, since the car is on coming, the car has not yet reached me, and thus there is space within and as the story and thus there is myself within this able to move in common sense of what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear situations where I step outside of my comfort zone because I fear being like a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car, where within this become surprise/fear/out of sync with what is actually physically happening and thus separate myself from what is actually physically real as the outer world is not matching the idea/belief/opinion/imagined outcome I had dreamed/wanted/expected in and as my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself for my own ignorance when I am in a situation where what transpires within the physical world is not aligned with what was imagined within my mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have a memory where I am a child standing in front of my mother, with a handful of baby mice , where I become life a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car, as my mother does not stop to see the baby mice, but sees vermin and takes these baby mice and flushes them down the toilet.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself for not having realized and responded to the situation and instead had become so surprised that the reaction from my mother was not what I expected that I froze and became confused with what was physically happening and the imagined response I had expected.

I commit myself to breathing, to realizing an expectation in and as the imaginings of my mind and what is actually physically here as this physical world.

I commit myself to breathing, self forgiveness and  self corrective application to enable myself to see, realize and physically understand the space between my self and the headlights on the oncoming physical reality - so to speak.

I commit myself to realizing that in being a “deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car” I am standing within an expectation and thus, am surprised when the outer physical world is not meeting my own imagined expectation.

I commit myself  to breathing, so that I am here one and equal to this physical world and not existing within an expectation, using my common sense in and as myself one and equal to my human physical body where I have the capacity in and as being here within and as a human physical body to move my legs and step out of the headlights of the oncoming car, visible as the lights oncoming as what reveals the existence of the car.

The suppressed expression character.

Day 68 Pondering as mind is experience as relationships

Day 68 Pondering as mind is experience as relationships

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to ponder in and as the mind, where if I return to breath, I can see, and understand what it is I am allowing myself to exist as.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as viewing my accepted and allowed behaviors in relation to past experiences that I superimpose onto later experiences that are also of the past, where I do not allow myself to simply look at my own behaviors that were not self directive within the principle of oneness in equality and  let it go.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize, see and understand that all I can be is here, with what is physically here, walking within and as the principle of what is best for all, as anything else is simply a dream of the mind in separation from what is here and the being of myself as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear standing up and speaking as what is best for all regardless of the harsh irritations I may receive as response, which I need not fear as I have faced them many times, and often the person walks away or stops and realizes what they have just done, which is  to have reacted in a limited way.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fold over and over again experiences of the past , to stand within this and stop, to move on, to say to myself no more, this is not what is here, practically physically here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that all mind back chat is in accordance - in a cord/bound dance- to a system of limited design where I have been conditioned to fear opposing the group; the group itself bound to survival behaviors as rushing around trying to fit into the image and likeness of what has become a “god” within society - accepted and allowed by the human- as the qualities of supposed perfection as seen in advertising, in order to be considered more than another, all based on survival.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that in giving up myself to limited ideas that serve a profit based system, I am in fact saying that i am not responsible for what exists and perpetuate the abuse through giving myself up to what I know is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I have failed within this present system and thus this is why I want the world to change, which is the mind not wanting to die.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel sad that there is a lack of ability for people to communicate, where I blame myself as this as well, and within this realize that whether this is true or not, this perceived lack of ability within myself to communicate, the solution is to keep walking and practicing communication, as the opposite will lead no where and feeling sorry for myself is just “feeling sorry” for myself as this is existing within an emotional polarity of more than and less than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that any unhappiness I may feel has nothing to do with anyone other than myself, in and as where I happen to live, yet, where I realize those living in places where the land beneath their feet is being raped for the profit of a few, are the ones experiencing, physically, a state of abuse and pain and thus have been raped of their expression as life, where the expression of life, as life is what real love is.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that anything that is in my mind, is back chat, the perpetual abdication of myself as life, my accepted and allowed separations into a belief that I have failed, a belief that “it was not my fault,” a belief that “it is impossible,” a belief that “if somehow I look at what happened again and again and again” I will somehow find a solution within the imagery - that is of the past - an experience-  when this has never happened, as all I do is spin around in a movie and do not live an actual directive that considers what is best for all, and within this, an image in and as my mind is not something that I can practically live as it is an image and thus not real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize emotions and feelings I have become addicted to and have been taught are the proper stance to exist as, as my self personification in and as woman, where I, within my mind imagery, seek solutions that “fix” the outcome of what it is that I am pondering to make myself feel better about myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that this is myself going on a emotional feel good journey where nothing is solved and all I am doing is getting an energetic fix.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize this addiction to wanting to “fix “ things, which is a control mechanism,  does not allow the people that may be involved to self direct, as I am creating conditions in and as my mind, in make believe, that I believe will resolve what is perceived to be imperfect, thus I exist as ideas and beliefs and opinions to impose on another instead of being here in this moment directing myself as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that what is best for all is what allows a self directed movement by another, where I gain nothing, as support, as what actually exists is the other supporting themselves as life, and thus enabling myself to become myself as life, within this I realize that oneness in equality cannot be what is on this earth until all are able to be what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that I have walked as mind for so long it will take time for me to stand up as myself, to be able to speak as the living word.

I forgive myself for not realizing breath in every moment, where i have days that I focus on breath and then days where I realize I have once again separated myself from being aware of breath, one and equal as breath, realizing that breath is life, here, being in and as the physical, that which is real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become frustrated as I interact with my world, feeling overwhelmed with the amount of back chat that exists as my mind, where I compare one thing to another, where I judge something as nice, or ugly, all limited as they do not consider an accepted and allowed system of inequality and the abdication of the human as being self directed with in the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to re-member myself to breath in every moment, living and breathing the principle of what is best for all, which is common sense of how this physical world works, and within this continue to read about how this world functions and what is being accepted and allowed that is abusive to life - as seen through so many living in extreme situations of lack.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have imaginings of the future, which is myself in fear of the future and thus myself trying to placate myself as to the future, where I cannot know what will be in the future, and the ideas I impose onto the future, to prepare myself for the future, will not be what the future will manifest as, thus will I set myself up for disappointment and rejection of what presents itself, and within this rejecting life.

I commit myself to stopping what comes up in and as my mind, to realizing it is my fear of judgment by others, and a fear of loss, where I am capable of using my common sense and directing my self forward.

When and as any thought comes up in and as my mind, I stop and I breath as this thought is only showing me what I fear, and it is based on what I have been taught to believe is how I should be, what I should be, and who I should be in relation to limited personifications, as energetic outplay, in separation of myself here as life, and so small and insignificant it is no wonder the nature of thought is of an infinite loop swinging back and forth in perpetuity.

I commit myself to breathing and stopping all thoughts through realizing a thought, an emotion, and a feeling are all based on a polarity of more than or less than, based on an idea as a desire in relation to survival - based on a system of inequality, and thus serve no purpose in allowing myself to become one and equal to my human physical body where I am one with life, as the physical is what is real.

I commit myself to breath, to realizing all thoughts are myself in separation from being here, where I direct myself to walk into and as, one and equal to what is physically here, instead of what is a melodrama of loss and desire, of more than and less than,  an alternate reality that is inconsiderate of this physical world and thus an act of destruction through pretending something does not exist because one has believed oneself to be more than for so long what is real can not longer be seen.

I commit myself to realizing that all emotion, thought and feeling is actually direction AWAY from what is here, what is real, this physical world, and that once i realize this, in and as every breath, all thoughts emotions and feelings  will be realized for what they are, a tiny spec in which man is lost in separation from what is the gift of life, this physical world.

I commit myself to stopping the mind as being here one and equal to this physical world.

Creation's Journey to Life

Earth's  Journey to Life