Day 242 A reaction of irritation

I experienced reactive behavior today towards the presentation of something.
I become frustrated and irritated, not as reactive as I have been in the past within such circumstances, but still, it was there, - an angry irritation.
I realize that my irritation is one and the same as the reaction, emotion made bigger than what is actually here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become irritated, into and as a state of ire, which is myself becoming fear and anger, as reaction within and as myself not being understood, where this emotion has no solution, and all that I can do is walk into understanding the separation from what is real here, as emotions based on judgements of what is more and what is less, specifically within judgements in presentation, not seeing realizing and understanding that stopping and looking to what is here, as the whole of what is here, is not a customary practice as the human has existed within the mind as consciousness, as energy, and thus within and as breath I stop and look at the details of what is here as the physical through this mirage of emotion that appears seemingly impossible, a habit of separation from what is real as the physical, to realize the depths of such behaviors and begin to correct them within and without.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my irritation is myself within becoming an energetic reaction, in self interest, based on an idea, and a moral code, as the habit of consciousness.

When and as I find myself becoming irritated, I stop and I slow myself way down, in and as breath, as I realize within becoming emotional I will have no effect as I become a judge when conversation or words spoken do not meet my expectations as this is a desire to win, reflecting a feeling, as a fear, of loss.

When and as I find myself becoming irritated I stop and I breath, and I forgive my emotions and feelings of self interest, and I investigate what physically exits and practically walk what is best for all, to give as I would like to receive, to support life, here, as this is the value.

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Day 190 A System of Fuzzy Logic

What happens when I allow myself to serve the needs of another as a learned behavior, where I allow myself to become a relationship to another as ensuring their supposed comfort, as in allowing my own common sense to become secondary, or associate myself relative to that other person, meaning I am worth less, as the state of the other is the value instead of the value being here, one and equal to all that is here as life?
What barriers to I build in relation to this? What common sense do I withhold within myself in awareness of what is real here, to serve this? Is it just that common sense does not fit into expectations within an accepted morality? Is it that common sense denies platforms of validating experiences? And would I not be placing myself into a need to validate myself, where I feel that this is improper and then silently bask in sorrow as I have gone into a polarity of more than and less than within social constructs of behavior?
In many ways this focus on the state of the other is a desire for control within survival, as this is all that was perceived by myself to work with as how to exist within this survival based system of inequality, and also to use knowledge and information to “even the scales” as in taking a stand of lack and believing myself to be more in holding the sorrow to elevate the other, which is admitting to and accepting existential fear and instead of facing the fear trying to placate this fear, like running away from the fear, like resisting common sense.
So, it is like fearing being common sense. Is common sense what is taught to us? No. Common sense would mean learning about what is actually here. This is fear of being self as life, here. it is fear of communicating common sense. And this must stop with myself , here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I accept and allow myself to fear common sense in and as life , here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to serve the personification of another in fear of judgement and isolation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the reactions of another to the point where I have even lied to not face the reactions of another for fear of punishment should I be self honest, which ends up being more detrimental to myself and others within my environment and thus is not worth it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared performing in common sense where I actually remember holding myself back because I believed that should I really go for it, it would be too much and too exposing and thus I had a voice in and as my mind tell me - one time when I performed- that I should not do this as I would be attacked - which I have written about before - and i see, realize and understand that this ended up creating a performance of constriction and self insecurity, as in not using common sense there was no real substance with which to express.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear common sense as though something will be lost, when the opposite is what is real as there is no choice but to exist within common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting this feeling of sorrow to pour down my back physically within myself as thought that something may be lost should i exist within common sense, a fuzzy logic masking a fear of loss as an idea, belief, or opinion.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become like a paper dress up doll, where I copy and paste the behaviors in and as the role of the woman, taking on the sorrow, through accepting a less than stand of myself in and as admitting to existential sorrow through believing I need to support the other within the other remaining within and as a state of ease, thus existing as a polarity of more than and less than, creating a lack of common sense of what is actually physically here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in not standing fast within and as common sense, I create the very insecurity felt within and as myself here, and the insecurity within another, the very thing wanting to be avoided, being what manifests.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that a separation from common sense, is what role play, as female and male, creates, thus that which is run to is that which creates the insecurity, as though the belief in the role as support is actually what creates the problem of separation and lack of communication.

I commit myself to breathing, to realizing what is the trigger into and as this association in focus to the emotions and feelings of another, which is going into control, and going into a believed self preservation instead of remaining here in common sense in and as life.
I commit myself to not see, realize and understand that self honesty can only exist within and as common sense of what is actually physically here, thus when and as I feel myself going into a sorrow, as a less than, as a sense of duty to ensure a perceived state of ease in another, I am in separation from common sense, and am allowing and accepting a belief that another must be made to remain happy, which admits to a state of “unhappy” as the potential, where this actually creates a relationship in separation from common sense, here and is not supportive of what is actually here.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the only real support and the only real communication available is with what is actually physically here, as the alternative in and as wanting to control the state of another is in separation from here, and a practice that continues a non-substantive energetic based existence.
I commit myself to remaining within and as common sense of what is here, breathing, and no longer allowing myself to fear the judgements of others, as I am sure they will come in and as reaction to common sense,.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing, and understanding the common sense of oneness in equality through stopping and breathing when and as I notice a judgement from within or from without, directly or indirectly, as such is a fear of loss, illusory as nothing can be lost as life, where a judgement is a fear of loss, and or protection for a few, both an ignorance of the totality of what is here.
I commit myself to remaining here in common sense and to no longer fear the verbal backlash of the mind, as it is only the voice of experience based on a past within what was learned and passed down within a system of fuzzy logic and separation from life.

Day 98 The character of the petrified deer standing in the headlights.

When was the first time I felt I had failed? I some up with a memory of running from the barn into the house, my hands filled with baby mice. Small and pink. I show them to my mother. She screams, the baby mice go down the toilet. I remember the shock. I remember the an expression on my face, complete abrupt confusion. An immediate abrupt change from joy to horror. I had caused a reaction of disgust and managed to have some baby mice to be flushed down a toilet. I remember the sides of my mouth turning into a frown, myself feeling dismayed, my eyes blinking, like a “deer in the headlights.” 

It had all happened so fast.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be surprised by what happens within and on this earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become conflicting emotions and feelings where I stand like a dear in the headlights.

I forgive myself  for allowing and accepting myself to not be able to speak when I am in situations where I am surprised.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel powerless when I am in situations/having experiences where I freeze/become petrified/ am like a deer in headlights unable to respond.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that, as in the event/experience from my childhood I am met with a reaction that is not what I imagined in and as my mind and within this I become petrified, like a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be so involved with what I am expecting as an outcome in and as what I envision within my desire as a event/drama/outplay/scenario that I stop and stand in surprise and become like a deer standing in the headlights of a car and become forgetfulness of what is actually here, existing and moving physically  and within this am no longer able to accept what is actually real, physically, and stand one and equal to.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when the outer world does not meet my inner expectations I freeze and stand like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car, where, since the car is on coming, the car has not yet reached me, and thus there is space within and as the story and thus there is myself within this able to move in common sense of what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear situations where I step outside of my comfort zone because I fear being like a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car, where within this become surprise/fear/out of sync with what is actually physically happening and thus separate myself from what is actually physically real as the outer world is not matching the idea/belief/opinion/imagined outcome I had dreamed/wanted/expected in and as my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself for my own ignorance when I am in a situation where what transpires within the physical world is not aligned with what was imagined within my mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have a memory where I am a child standing in front of my mother, with a handful of baby mice , where I become life a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car, as my mother does not stop to see the baby mice, but sees vermin and takes these baby mice and flushes them down the toilet.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself for not having realized and responded to the situation and instead had become so surprised that the reaction from my mother was not what I expected that I froze and became confused with what was physically happening and the imagined response I had expected.

I commit myself to breathing, to realizing an expectation in and as the imaginings of my mind and what is actually physically here as this physical world.

I commit myself to breathing, self forgiveness and  self corrective application to enable myself to see, realize and physically understand the space between my self and the headlights on the oncoming physical reality - so to speak.

I commit myself to realizing that in being a “deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car” I am standing within an expectation and thus, am surprised when the outer physical world is not meeting my own imagined expectation.

I commit myself  to breathing, so that I am here one and equal to this physical world and not existing within an expectation, using my common sense in and as myself one and equal to my human physical body where I have the capacity in and as being here within and as a human physical body to move my legs and step out of the headlights of the oncoming car, visible as the lights oncoming as what reveals the existence of the car.

The suppressed expression character.