Day 601 The Worry for Security

So much of my time during the years with my children was worry about remaining stable and being secure. This was in tandem with watching my children. From the time my second child was seven this was a large part of what I worried about. Even when my children were really small and my husband and I decided that remaining with them during the day was what would be best, I remember having thoughts that it unnerved me not to have job, not to be making sure I was secure, because I equated security with money, and felt that depending on someone else made me vulnerable. I even remember thinking to myself to calm me down, “ it is okay.”

Because of this, I have this chatter in my mind where I am constantly thinking about being secure, that I cannot depend on the system, or my family, or anyone but myself. Not that this desire to be responsible is a bad, but the occupation of the whole desire as thoughts in and as my mind, as wanting to have the means to be stable. Now that I am older and my children are out of the house, I include them.

If I allow this to be so much of what motivates/occupies me, and/or what I find I am creating pictures of in my mind as some event that might come along and disturb this, and/or what I feel would be the scenario where I am in that kind of security, I am not actually here fully. And the past as this fear, remains with me, and I find I move into the imagination as it, missing what people say at times, or putting things off because with all this chatter going on, I have abdicated my own focus here, and stopping this inner drama appears to be too difficult. Walking self forgiveness has helped quiet this storm, investigating our present sold system structures  as our government and our financial system, has helped because knowing the structure of here, and investigating how anything works gives clarity into necessary actions.  Also, in becoming more practically clear, the backchat becomes smaller, yet I notice it still exists, I just pull it back and direct because in the end I can only live here, as this is a physical form of creation, which is simply common sense. That what is real is hidden right in front of us, is in itself a red flag. If we look at so many of our systemic beliefs, the physical is demonized in so may ways. This is us rejecting life. And yet, that which is right in front of us, reveals itself in every way, showing the way forward. Unless we believe that the voices in our minds define us, and/or are real, not stopping to look at what thought is in reality overall. It really is like an echo, a susurrus occupation in the background of fear, of rejection of being here with creation.

So, I forgive the ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind, I write them out, then correct them to focus myself here directly, to become one and equal with and as creation as the physical here. Then can I see here, pass through the eye of the needle and remain stable with physical reality, being directive through moving as what does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from myself as life as my common sense, and to allow the voices in and as my mind to be what I am here, instead of standing here, equal and one with and as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must have a job, where I earn money to feel secure and stable in a physical world where the physical is the life I am as me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to occupy my life with and as back chat of fear in not being stable because I do not have a job and as such will not have the money as the means to remain stable here, not stopping to question why money has come to determine life on earth, when the value is being physical and as such respecting and moving and building a system that respects simple existence as allowing the full potential of life as the physical flourish which means room to change and transform, to expedite and develop creation which would allow all the focus that is the fulfillment of purpose in and as creation here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a voice in and as my mind of “ it is okay” to placate the fear that I feel which overall is an act of ignoring the whole, as the part that is me as a human being in creation as what I am here on earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand immediately those moments where I separate myself from here, existing as knowledge and information as idea  only without practical application, and as such accepted this format without asking questions,  abdicating myself as life, as my common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that as this, I become a physical movement within and as me as energy as thoughts as memories, that separates the focus of me, as my common sense from here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become inferior to life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in this separation I allowed this inner back chat to define me, instead of remaining here, equal and one to and with the physical world, creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine security

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine security being taken away.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in imagining security or the lack thereof, I am in essence not here, looking here directly with and as that which is the value, which is being here, which is physical.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding the lack of ease as me this separation creates, which is a focus on limitation only and not a community with creation as this physical world as this earth here, as this is where solutions exists because this is myself here, as my own common sense of reality that is me.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding how this separation confines me, binds me, holds me in a very narrow view of that which is the means of me as the physical here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how this inversion of and as me, builds a resistance to seeing directly here as what I am as a physical being as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how the tension of this stagnates me, not allowing the ease of and as me as my common sense, to accept what is here as the physical, being and expressing with gratitude as the principle of life, which is the principle of equality and oneness, the principle of take that which is good and does no harm, the principle of give as one would receive, the principle of respecting the means and the ways of life being which is the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to reject what is in front of me, as I have allowed myself to be tied to ideas, beliefs and opinions, instead of remaining here, in practical application of physical reality being creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to build ivory towers as ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind, racing towards this imagination, unequal to here, as my value system as ideas was done in self interest without consideration of life and the racing to and towards these ideas ignored the practice of real living.

When and as I find myself becoming secretive with and as myself I stop and I breath and I slow myself down to see, realize and understand what I am hiding in and as the ideas, beliefs, opinions, fantasies,  imaginations, back chat, desires, wants and needs within and as my mind, 

When and as I find myself no longer hearing what is here in front of me, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I bring myself here, grounding myself in the physical here.

When and as I find myself moving into worry, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I assess, investigate, examine, step out of time, evaluate what is before me, taking that which is good and does no harm, to become at ease, with and as breath here.

When and as I find myself  racing as in not hearing what has been said, or losing patience, or judging the appearance of another, even as their words, I stop and I breath and i slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that I can only hear here, equal and one as the physical, directing in ways that do no harm, taking that which is good, here.

When and as move into am imagination of gloom and doom, I stop and i breath and I slow myself down and I ground myself here, as it is only here that i can step, that i can crawl, that i can change, that i can transform, that I can become equal and one with creation and as such  see to stand equal and one with and as what is me as life information, here.

When and as I find myself feeling overwhelmed with here, as the limitations, within and without, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down, and I assess, evaluate, common sense physical, practical reality here, to stand as what is best for all, respecting life as the physical that is me here.

When and as I find myself whirl-reasoning in and as my mind, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, seeing the physical world directly, assessing practical applications that direct in ways that do no harm, and consider all things, to stand equal and one with and life here as this is me accepting the breathe of creation.

Day 120 The voices of the past.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the character of dreading what others will say.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts about what others will say about the choices I make.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I will make a mistake and others will say to me that I was told and should have known, not seeing, realizing and understanding that there are no mistakes, there are only judgements about what and how one lives and where one lives.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the culture in which I live, as what I have been taught, as idea, belief and opinion is wanting it’s voice as the back chat of my mind to come up, as a reaction in and as fear of change, as what has been said to me by the world around in resistance to change in and as themselves.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within and as me is a character in and as a feeling that I will lose people I know and thus leave something behind, when in fact if life were existent on this earth, then there would never be something left behind anywhere, as all would be here in and as the expression of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need to defend the choices I make within leaving the environment in which I live.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remain here, making this change huge and within this begin to think about the future, where I then encounter all number of imagined fears.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear what does not exist, as it is not here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize , see and understand that these back chats in and as the voices in and as my mind are the voices of my past and not myself in common sense of what is here, physically here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breath through the anxiety, where I am allowing this to become huge and to stop, and to look at the source as the back chat as the emotion and/or feeling, the polarity where within and as the fear and anxiety I then go into placating this negative emotional response through and as “thoughts that are uplifting” to convince myself of what it is that I am choosing to do, thus do I exist as protecting the choices i made in and as my mind, separating myself from here, what is actually here and slowing myself down within and as being self directive, self honest.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to stop and to breath and to slow myself down within and as breath, to look at what thoughts as the back chat is coming up in and as my mind to see the memories through the emotional source point of the memories as where they came from as being accepted as real, in and as my past.

I commit myself to seeing the illusion of my own thoughts and to realize they are the voices of my past.

I commit myself to standing up within myself and seeing the familiar ( interesting that family and familiar are so similar) emotions and feelings that I allow and accept as habitual fears within and as me.

I commit myself to immediately recognizing the positive placating voice in answer as echo , as protection and defense to the negative emotions as fear.

I commit myself to breathing, to stopping the thoughts as the red flags of separation from self honesty here in and as the physical.

I commit myself to realizing that there are no answers in and as the voices composed of the past in and as my mind, as the answer is life, as this is the value, in and as this actual, real physical world, the gift of life.

Creation's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey to Life

Equal Money System

The process to birth life in the physical

Desteni

Day 99 expectation

Day 99

In the last days, within walking towards a change I notice myself feeling sad, like a big wet blanket shrouding myself here. It is the fears and the expectations I have that I have to accept are myself wanting as mind, needing as mind. Like a soaked rag of tantrum in that the world is not responding to the fairy tale of imagery as expectation. Meanwhile non of it matches what is here, and I have lived enough to realize that the fairy tale is only ever a part of the story. Thus, is the dream excluding so much of life, just as there starving are being denied even the slightest experience of life, of self development. I am living an illusion as non awareness of myself as life, like I have the most amazing tool as the human physical body and this world to move and express and instead I turn and choose a dream, imagining myself to within a simplified picture of myself sitting in an “amazing” technological device, when I have this right here, as myself, as a physical human being on a physical planet.

Expectation is looking out and not moving within. I keep getting to this point and I find myself blank, staring, no knowledge and information will serve, there is only moving myself here, like the wet rag is there, but it is not a choice, it is the illusion. And I am afraid of the other.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel tired, to want to sleep: a sleep that is resistance.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like I am standing between not wanting to move ( literally and figuratively-as in self honesty) yet the choice of pretending to a care actor is ignorance of what is real and thus not a value to be lived, a complete lie in separation from what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear both rejection and acceptance in and as being self honest, where being self honest is becoming self responsible and thus standing absolutely within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the uncertain will remain uncertain until able to stand in self honesty, and will be a barrage of the voice of uncertainty and unless I am stable within and as self honesty, I will be moved by this, just as I am moved by the idea of this here, as I write myself out, thus I fear my own self responsibility.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not what i think, and it is not what another thinks, in and as the mind, but with absolute certainty, as the living word, as the directive as what is best for all, the principle of oneness in equality, in and as breath that is what is real and uncertainty is only the separation of self from what is real, self as the sound of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling to expectation, to want a road laid out before myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that  road laid out is a map, and thus a desire to know, when life is here aware of itself, where man has placed an idea of unknowing, just as the word suggests, the “know” is here, and the un has been added on, where to not know one must first know, thus is life here and only been rejected in and as a belief that life cannot be understood or known.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that also within unknowing is the act of no longer existing as an no, as the being of myself as negating myself as life, in and as being a memory, an image in and as my mind in separation from life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the physical is the tool to exist as the knowing that is me as myself here, as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see , realize and understand that this sense of sadness, as the wet blanket/rag I allow to envelop myself here is myself  standing before my mother taking the mice and flushing them down the toilet, where I am asked to ignore what is real, what is here, and accept a fear, accept an idea, accept that this earth is “dirty” is filled with “wrongs” and that should I see mice as life, I will be treated with the action of hysteria, I will be corrected to fit within the values of belief that the natural world is the diseased, when in fact it is the minds of men that is the disease.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the machines of men, built with blinding headlights, stringing paved roads all over this earth on which to impose a blueprint of right and wrong, dirty and clean in and as ideas and beliefs that maintain an energetic grid that sucks this earth dry and depletes the soils of earth that are the life of earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am powerless in the face of the energy of the mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that it is the roads of men built on the face of this earth where the roadkill and the dirt exists, as it is the  dirt when placed on the earth that is the building blocks of life, rendered lifeless and “dirty” when placed on the surfaces built by men.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have sunk in that moment, to have sunk into and as giving up in and as myself, to have felt so powerless and to have had my hopes of surprise and awe of the mice to have not been lived, as I had experienced the opposite of my expectation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have not considered the baby mice being baby mconsciousnessice that, in being babies, required the care of their mother.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become a character of hesitation, to be hesitant with others, to feel them out, to avoid a reaction of hysteria.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have also become the opposite , where at time I would say things to shock people, just to create the same shock I had experienced, and thus become spiteful of my own accepted and allowed behavior and wanting others to be the same, as though it made my own behavior seem justifiable because everyone else did this as well.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse nature, the earth.

I commit myself to realizing my own wet blanket created to absorb the crying of myself in fear.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that this blanket absorbing my tears, is myself absorbing my fear and carrying this as myself here, hiding in the face of beliefs, opinions and ideas that have created the nature of a species known as man, as the object on this earth in separation of life.

I commit myself to  realizing that one action in and as my past does not define myself here.

I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, to not define myself within idea, opinion and belief, to not become the character within a play of morality taught by and as and of  the confines of a system of borders competing for survival on an earth that gives plenty.

I commit myself to realizing all belief , opinion and idea bordered within survival are divisions from what is actually a land of plenty as this earth, an illusion accepted and allowed by a mind developed as the image and likeness of fear of self responsibility as self honesty as self as life, here.

I commit myself to realizing that the pavement of men, cannot exist without the earth.

When Breath is Not Your Own

The Soul of Money- The Infinity Secret- Consciousness as the Light and the Dark

Creation's Journey to Life

Earth's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey to Life

Day 98 The character of the petrified deer standing in the headlights.

When was the first time I felt I had failed? I some up with a memory of running from the barn into the house, my hands filled with baby mice. Small and pink. I show them to my mother. She screams, the baby mice go down the toilet. I remember the shock. I remember the an expression on my face, complete abrupt confusion. An immediate abrupt change from joy to horror. I had caused a reaction of disgust and managed to have some baby mice to be flushed down a toilet. I remember the sides of my mouth turning into a frown, myself feeling dismayed, my eyes blinking, like a “deer in the headlights.” 

It had all happened so fast.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be surprised by what happens within and on this earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become conflicting emotions and feelings where I stand like a dear in the headlights.

I forgive myself  for allowing and accepting myself to not be able to speak when I am in situations where I am surprised.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel powerless when I am in situations/having experiences where I freeze/become petrified/ am like a deer in headlights unable to respond.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that, as in the event/experience from my childhood I am met with a reaction that is not what I imagined in and as my mind and within this I become petrified, like a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be so involved with what I am expecting as an outcome in and as what I envision within my desire as a event/drama/outplay/scenario that I stop and stand in surprise and become like a deer standing in the headlights of a car and become forgetfulness of what is actually here, existing and moving physically  and within this am no longer able to accept what is actually real, physically, and stand one and equal to.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when the outer world does not meet my inner expectations I freeze and stand like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car, where, since the car is on coming, the car has not yet reached me, and thus there is space within and as the story and thus there is myself within this able to move in common sense of what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear situations where I step outside of my comfort zone because I fear being like a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car, where within this become surprise/fear/out of sync with what is actually physically happening and thus separate myself from what is actually physically real as the outer world is not matching the idea/belief/opinion/imagined outcome I had dreamed/wanted/expected in and as my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself for my own ignorance when I am in a situation where what transpires within the physical world is not aligned with what was imagined within my mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have a memory where I am a child standing in front of my mother, with a handful of baby mice , where I become life a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car, as my mother does not stop to see the baby mice, but sees vermin and takes these baby mice and flushes them down the toilet.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself for not having realized and responded to the situation and instead had become so surprised that the reaction from my mother was not what I expected that I froze and became confused with what was physically happening and the imagined response I had expected.

I commit myself to breathing, to realizing an expectation in and as the imaginings of my mind and what is actually physically here as this physical world.

I commit myself to breathing, self forgiveness and  self corrective application to enable myself to see, realize and physically understand the space between my self and the headlights on the oncoming physical reality - so to speak.

I commit myself to realizing that in being a “deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car” I am standing within an expectation and thus, am surprised when the outer physical world is not meeting my own imagined expectation.

I commit myself  to breathing, so that I am here one and equal to this physical world and not existing within an expectation, using my common sense in and as myself one and equal to my human physical body where I have the capacity in and as being here within and as a human physical body to move my legs and step out of the headlights of the oncoming car, visible as the lights oncoming as what reveals the existence of the car.

The suppressed expression character.

Day 87 War King/Working/We R King

I  was reading today and I had a reaction to the word working. Much like a romantic relationship, my working relationship, as in my character, or my cast of characters, I become nasty. I attack and threaten, and blame and spite and judge and fear, and retaliate. I have schadenfreude, I  seek justice, I reminisce over believed injustices. I am a hissing, spiting, blaming, snaky snake. You name it, it goes through my mind. I become the king of war, I am a war king in and as my mind. The face I present is of congeniality, of kindness, of  wanting to be good, and wanting my good noticed. But in fact, in and as my mind I believe myself to be at war. I want to survive, and I fear not surviving, I fear being considered less than, I fear saying one word that will create loss of face, loss of position, loss of status, loss of respect. I am in constant battle, strategizing for the security of my position on the front.

It is a cry of righteousness.

I was talking with someone about sales. And they responded to me emotionally, as though I did not understand. I just stopped and listened. Even within my fear of being judged as incapable, I decided to listen, even through their emotions. Perhaps they had a point. At this moment, I realized that even their emotion within their explanation did not matter, and neither did mine. What mattered was listening. Just let it all go and listen. Somehow the battle did not matter, it was the soil under my feet, that which was real, and the storm of emotion trampling the ground did not need stimulus.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my approach to working is similar, if not the same, in and as mind, as my self within a relationship with another person.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I can get so lost in judging and blaming and spiting, in and as the desire to survive that I can no longer see the forest through the trees.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be the character at war with this world, where I allow myself to spite and to blame, to justify and to want justice, to denigrate and call names, to not listen as I desire to press my perspective/point of view.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that my righteousness is myself in battle, where I am angry, frustrated and trying to counteract a fear of potential loss, or my position of a desire for gain.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  be a character of combat, a soldier fighting for my life within a system of inequality, where if I do not maintain my position, right here where I am, I might lose what I have gained, and thus I perceive myself  as stable because I am here and in one piece.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that  what I fear is the loss of myself, and that if I lose my job, I will not survive.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine ill will towards another, as to realize that most of the time, I am not spiting another, and it is only when I feel stressed and uncertain that I become this way.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that when working I fear I will make a mistake and end up losing my position, thus any emotion as a belief in a threat is an attack on where I am positioned and within this I am not looking here in common sense, but am lost in a mountain of fear, where there is only breath to walk me through so that I may continue to see the forest through the trees.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my fear of attack is not different than that of the attacker, as they are me and I am them, as we are all war kings within a system of inequality, that is the present profit based system on this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I fear being hurt, that I fear that what I believe myself to be, as what I am will be rejected and thus will i hurt, as though myself not being accepted will become meaningless, just as if I were to lose a leg, or an arm, or my breast, or my nose, when all the while, it is the war within survival, a game of elimination, as the illumination of myself as ego and not myself as life here, the very substance that is what it is that I am, unable to be as ideas, and beliefs of what it is that I am, as an idea as what will enable me to survive within a system of profit is all that will be lost, where were I to just stop and listen, I would see realize and understand that it is this system of profit that has built my self into and as a SURE MAN tank competing and fighting, shooting blame and spite in order to survive within a system of inequality where only one can be king on the hill of a pyramid based system, a hierarchy, imposed on soil that gives unconditionally,  where in fact a war king can be the nature under the pyramid as what earth is as WE R KING as life when we , as all of earth is supported and cared for unconditionally as all as one as equal, where this war king is working for the death of itself as life as what it is is not worth living as the action of war is in separation from life here and the hurt is the longing for self as life to be and become self as life, one and equal where we r king as we are life, as all a one as equal.

I commit myself to stopping this war king in and as my mind, and to stand in and as breath, one and equal to breath, until my fear of loss is able to be faced and forgiven, and myself able to see, realize and understand that in a profit based system, keeping the majority in fear is a tactic of control, as a profit based system is a war, creating a survival  based system as our present existence.

I commit myself to no longer allowing this character wanting to survive, where my own survival is tantamount.

I commit myself to realizing that my spite, blame and justification of myself  is myself within a fear of loss.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to use my common sense, to realize that the present war king environment does not support the collective existence of earth, where we R King, as united within the principle of oneness in equality, we, as collectively are the king when we realize our equality with all life.

I commit myself to realizing that all thoughts, emotions and feelings are the illness of myself as the separation of myself into and as a war king  in separation from the unconditional image and likeness of oneness and equality as what is real as earth where in oneness and equality as the principle of what is best for all, as in loving my neighbor as myself  is what rains on earth is a life where we - as all that is here- R king as the core-of-us as life, here.

Equal Money

Self Awareness Steps for the Elite Introduction

The Soul of  Money

Love is only me

Day 85 After the death of my husband

Day 85 After the death of my husband

I was sitting in a cafe and suddenly I saw this elderly couple; my parents were there. I felt this sadness come up, as a drama, of myself no longer having my husband to grow old with, to have the supposed “golden years” of a relationship.

But the whole time I was this, I also did not really feel this. For some reason, here I was being what I know I was supposed to be, but it was somehow not real to me. It was like a crying that was not real. 

So, I am sitting here, watching a part of myself cry about no longer having a life with the same man, and wondering why I was doing this when it was not real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be sad because I will not have a husband, the father of my children to grow old with.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be the character of the matriarch growing old with a husband.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the character of myself as the wife of a man with whom I grow old is lost because my husband is dead and therefor my life has become limited because I will not have the opportunity to exist in the role of the elderly couple living out their golden years.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be the character of the widow, believing that this is somehow less than the couple living into their “golden years.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge being a widow as less than and a long time married couple as more than/superior.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have had the emotion of sadness that I will not live the idea of “the golden years.”

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that when I became sad after my husband died, that I would not have this, I actually had the thought that somehow none of what I was feeling was real.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen at that moment after the sudden death of my husband, that somehow I could see that the emotions I was feeling as what I believed I was supposed to feel, I in fact did not.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have stopped the emotion that was in me at the time as it was based on an idea, as what i had been taught, and not life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was afraid of saying this, even though I was aware of this, because I feared it would be considered as something being wrong with myself, when in fact, it was more an acceptance without judgement, as I was still here and I did not feel different.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen while at that same moment, a couple of days after the death of my husband, there was an arab couple in the restaurant where this happened, and the man accompanied the woman to the bathroom, and within my own drama I was watching this and thought, why must this man take this woman to the bathroom, why does this exist that a woman cannot go to the bathroom by herself, and what a burden to constantly follow a woman around for both parties.

I forgive myself for not having allowed myself to see realize and understand that all the characters around me moving as belief , opinion and idea, were not in fact living.

I commit myself to realizing the crying of my own mind in and as the separation from life i allow and accept myself to exist as, that is inconsiderate of all life, of this physical world.

I commit myself to stopping the tears falling through and as my mind.

I commit myself to realizing that tears falling in and as the thoughts as ideas, beliefs and opinions, are not in fact real, and are a separation from life.

I commit myself to stopping the self pity, the comparison, the competitions that are what my thoughts, emotions and feelings reveal, and bringing myself here in oneness and equality to this physical world, maintaining focus as myself within and as breath.

I commit myself to facing what is here,  the veil that is consciousness in and as the thoughts, emotions and feelings in and as the mind, myself a programmed organic robot of memory, my accepted and allowed pictures of separation.

I commit myself to forgive the shame I exist as as I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from myself into the illusion in and as the mind, somehow knowing I have accepted and allowed this as I walk into my past and remember events from my childhood.

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Life Review

Day 74 The value given to emotions and feelings

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give value to emotions and feelings,

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I have been taught to give value to emotions and feelings, and that I use these emotions and feelings with what I have been raised to believe in signifying value, where I attach an emotion to certain objects and manners and situations, that I am not aware that I am a walking emo, moving from one thing of value to another, allowing and accepting the value of emotion to direct and guide myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that in being this I cannot see what is real here, I cannot actually be here, I cannot even sense any self direction as all I am doing is moving from one emotional value to another, one feeling value to another.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand this this feeling of sadness that becomes a presence as me, where this is all that there is, which means I am allowing this to be real, if I stand back in and as breath, I will see that this is like a cloud of smoke that I am giving tremendous value to and that it has absolutely no capacity to direct myself here as life, as I am so busy “feeling” this emotional presence of sadness, like I am basking in the sun  - and make no mistake about this it is burning me like the sun would into and as ashes - that I do not realize that this is something of no real value, and in one moment this would change into something else, indicating that it has no real substance.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that, on another level, this “sadness” is myself in separation of myself, and if I do not give this a value and see this as separation, I will see realize and understand how much I have been developed to be an emo, thus are all humans emos, and the emos of the world are simply showing the human what the human is allowing as an expression.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how infinitesimally small emotions  and feelings exist as.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that in allowing myself to exist as emotions and feelings I cannot see myself, thus I have no directive capacity.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that emotions and feelings are like  a tiny tempest, which we allow to turn into a giant tornado - and thus perhaps this is why nature is coming out with  giant tornados recently-  where the tornado takes control and meanwhile the universe surrounding that tornado is right here as life, just watching that little storm in a teacup.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand how big the breath really is.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to return to breath whenever I find myself becoming loopy.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that breath is life, breath is here, here is big, emo is small.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what Desteni is saying is that the human race has become an emo bot and it is time to stop as we are not taking care of this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that we are all one and equal, thus is this earth showing us what it is that we are, as giving emotions and feelings as energy the value we are in separation from ourselves and breath, and thus does dis-ease manifest, as dis-ease is separation from self as life, from breath and thus does the body, the physical receive life, and only extinguish itself as life into and as an emotional and feelings storm as energy.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that all dis-ease is the accumulation of an accepted and allowed existence of emotions as blame and spite and shame and regret and judgement and a feeling of unworthiness as self.

I commit myself to realizing that each and every time I allow an emotions or feeling I am in fact in separation from myself.

I commit myself to realizing that when I am being an emo, I cannot possible sense what is actually physically real.

I commit myself to realizing that emotions and feelings are not directives and thus when imposed on myself or by another are actually bullies demanding acknowledgement, and thus can they be acknowledged as separation and brought back to self, one and equal as breath where they can then be forgiven and directed as what is best for all.

I commit myself to realize that ideas, beliefs and opinions are based on what I have been cultivated to value, and this feeds the separation of myself into  emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that from childhood i have had to memorize what i believe, idealize, and opine, and have been praised within my social network in participating within this game of memory which is a game of acknowledging recognition of labels of accepted values non inclusive of an awareness of all life, and thus I become a feeling of right-ness and a feeling of pride, and that the process of this development took the lifetime of myself as a child to create, and thus will the ability of myself to direct myself as life, to remove the following emo bot as what i am will take time, diligence and patience as I bring myself back to becoming a self directed equal and one expression of life.

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Day 65 Effective Communication

Day 65 effective communication
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that effective communication between people is necessary within a relationship.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that rejection is basically a lack of effective communication.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that given the cultural indoctrinations that exist within our profit based system as a whole, and how these personifications can lead to collectively accepted assumptions where groups of people only associate with like assuming people, all based on the environment of family placement determined by the amount of money one has, the ability to communicate with people from other backgrounds and a differing set of assumptions and vocabulary can lead to misunderstandings.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that within this system, effective communication is needed to clear up assumptions, and in this process many fears can be walked through for what they are, simply a fear, and as with many fears, the fear remains hidden as exposing the fear, as a cultural norm, might suggest weakness, where this makes no sense because it is the acceptance of the fear that is the weakness.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that the fears have to be expressed and cleared up, or the communication will not be effective, and will become a game of hide and seek, which is no way to communicate.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand, that without communication between two people, what happens is that one accepts the personification of the other, and this is a form of stagnation, as personification is a limited design that does not consider the whole, as considering the whole leads to a gamut of expression that cannot exist in a singular set of assumed expressions used as a prop for self survival within a system propagates fears in needing money to survive.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that for two people to interact effectively, a clear communication and understanding of how the system of profit  on earth works must be understood and communicated to understand the very being of ourselves, otherwise what is accepted and allowed will lead to uncertainty and rejection.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that many relationships fail because there has not been effective communication, and often this is realized after the relationship no longer exists and self pity sets in, which is the being of self that caused the lack of communication in the first place, as self pity is self spite, and self blame, and so, one stewing in emotions and feelings and not actually becoming a living being effective in communication, within this it is clear that emotions and feelings are of energetic polarities based on beliefs, opinions and ideas, and that the human has accepted this stagnation as the human has not been taught to stand up and move through such eddies of emotional polarities, nor has the human the language skills to be able to communicate and thus direct themselves through emotional polarities.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that nothing can be hidden as all in known.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that if I attempted to communicate my fears, and to give up what I deemed was necessary as my persona, I would find that the development of my self and the fears I hold are all based on money.
i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the emotional make up of my parents is based on their parents which is based on their parents thus is the religion within my family and culture determining my emotional make up, where I will find myself using such statements as “thank God” not realizing that this is myself giving thanks to an imaginary entity separate from what is actually physically here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that if I do not investigate how a profit based system works I will not have a clear understanding of how and why I do not have effective communication with others, as “others” will have incomplete ideas about how the present system works, and when two people with unclear ideas meet, and assume understanding, and voice this limited understanding, the outcome will be confusion and therefor  a lack of clear communication.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize  and understand that should I come to understand the present money system of profit, I will see, realize and understand that it is absolutely corrupt and ineffective, and thus will realize that there is no other choice but to stand up and change this system.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to look at what I am communicating daily as I interact with others, and what it is that motivated me to communicate as I do.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to watch the emotional and feeling outflow I exist as, and how these outflows are present in every word I speak, thus am i able to realize what it is that I am within what I communicate, to the point where I will realize that I exist as emotions and feelings that are separations and thus an exhibit of my fears.

I commit myself to realizing that much of the sadness I feel is based on regret that is caused by a lack of communication and thus understanding of how this world presently exists.
I commit myself to realizing the words I speak and what I am trying to communicate in and as the words i speak and the thoughts moving through my head are based on a fear of survival.
I commit myself to realizing that the words I speak and the thoughts I have moving through my mind are all geared towards the fear of survival and based on the past as the conditioning of my parents, where what is in the forefront in and as my mind, is the picture idea of what i need to survive.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, utilizing breath, and becoming aware of the words I speak, and the emotional and feeling polarities I allow myself to exist as.
I commit myself to recognizing my own regrets that are my past, where I judge myself as ineffective, and within being this judge I am within an action of self spite, and that this must be forgiven and a corrective action walked, as looking at my world as a reflection of myself, and understanding how the present profit based system works, will allow the development of effective communication within myself.

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