What is presence? Day 713

I am past fifty. I noticed changes in my parents as they grew older. It was more that I began to notice patterns in them, that something was changing. I noticed it in my mother’s art work. Somehow, it was not as clear. Since I noticed these changes, yet did not really look, I did not clearly define what was happening.

I also noticed changes in string performers. There is a difference between someone who is present when they play and someone who is moving in automated ways. They say, that one should not hear a performer thinking, it gets in the way, and the music loses some of its depth. It is to say that when a performer is present, one is more focused, and thus the listener is more engaged. It is in many ways an intimacy. Even performing with others has an intimacy that makes one really vulnerable. One is very exposed, especially to the trained ear. 

Yet, is this something, that when someone is present while playing, that they catch the focus of others?  How can this be? Also, to qualify, there are audience members, or listeners that do not hear. They come to hear a piece just to say that they heard the piece, and usually these are listeners that do not listen! To them everything is wonderful and the performer is almost a god that has some special talent. If one asks what they liked, they cannot give any real definition to their likes. It astounded me for a long time. It is why I so often did not want to remain after a performance to greet the audience. It was somehow painful, yet that is my judgement.

Every moment of life is really about being present. As I age, I notice that it is so easy to follow the habit of thinking. Even when I can with greater ease, let things go when I notice I tense up and want to react, calling out something I see as a limited perspective, which is a starting point of judgement because I am reacting to an ego, and thus I move more as agenda than solution; than investigation, than assessment. It is a fear that I lose something I define myself as, or that i have no standing, or that I can be defined by what another voices.  This is myself standing in separation from what is always here, as the physical. 

What I am defined as what is all of me, I am physical, this is the means of my expression. What is called out, in thought, word and deed, need not define me. Yes, if someone were to suddenly appear with a gun and shoot me, I would die - more than likely- yet what is voiced and promoted as measure, as idea, as belief, as opinion, as words, need not define who and what I am because it is, as words, about something, it is not what is manifest as the physical. And yet, what I practice as thoughts as ideas about here, can become automated within and as what motivates me as this physical state of being. If I allow ideas and beliefs and opinions to be who and what I am, without constant reference and reverence to all of me, I begin to lose my connection to life, to the physical.

I can sense this within myself, and I could, though I did not name it as such, in my parents. The disconnect from the physical world manifests in physical movements in people as they age. It gets more difficult to drive, it gets more difficult to listen, it gets more difficult to travel. It gets more difficult to open jars, and to take care of a house. I have seen this many times with aging people. And they see this as a norm. It cannot be normal. It is the opposite of normal. It is the consequence of a separation from the physical world, from being present, from focusing on here. It is a separation from being engaged to here. lol, I ask myself why reproductive relationships are so dominant in all stories! Why are  these singular relationships in a world of physical relationships made so HUGE as the focus of each of us? This is a distraction, this is enlarging something to remove one’s presence from reality. In a normal development, this would occur in a natural way. It would be a physical thing where two people would come together to reproduce. At the moment, as our society, it is forced. It begs the question as to how present we are. Are we really ‘ playing’ the instrument of ourselves as physical bodies on a physical world?

One can ask one’s self; How present are you? Can you conceptually process information with ease? Can you stand before something you have never done, a physical task, and use your innate spatial skill to realize the form and the function of what physically is before you, and then move with care and presence into moving with it in practical ways?

In some ways, I have not wanted to perform because it ends up being a situation where i am asked to perform all the time. I have taken this in different ways. One is becoming entertainment - and cheap entertainment as I was asked to get grants to pay for performances- this being me who performs and spends hours writing for grants so I can perform. A real disconnect from reality in relation to the people who have asked me to do this. I am always astounded.

The second, is this sense of people being drawn to me, as this idea that they come and suck something out of me. When in effect, if I perform with presence, it is that a person who is separated from being present is drawn to someone who is present- unless they are so removed, from having allowed an entity of belief to define who and what they are above , or before, a respect of the physical. One can get a resistance to presence, one can get those who desire presence and yet cannot clearly define an attraction to the greater degree of presence in another, and one can get those who recognize presence- and even here, may not be able to define this - lol it is ineffable in so many ways.

Thus, our behaviors within us, are visible in every move we make, as to how present we are in this physical world.  The solution to our loss of direct interaction with life, is to respect the physical world around us in every moment. this means we have to stop thinking and start being present. Everything that is moving in the mind, is a thought about here, it is equal in degree to one’s level of presence in reality- the physical.  Our presence has to be here, focused here, in every breath. If we are in thoughts we are in separation from life. In this, our imaginations shows us the correct use of what we are. If we are building an entity as a picture in our minds of right and wrong, without taking action, to cross reference, we are making what is in our minds larger than life.  When what we believe becomes larger than the physical world around us,  we lose our presence to and towards all things. This manifests through time as a loss of perception of the space around us. It becomes harder to do the most simple of things in our daily lives. Thus, the marker of our separation from considering all things is visible in every movement we take. In essence, we are what we allow ourselves to focus upon.  We are the directors of our own lives. Where we go will determine the quality of our life.  Do you remember what you did last year at this time? What would a life of being present in the physical reality be? 

Day 182 Facing emotions and feelings,

I have noticed, especially being a single mom, that many women, and men are standoffish with me. Yes, at soccer games, when my children were small, there were mothers that would talk with me, but most of the time, they were distant; polite talk only, was allowed.
Otherwise, there was no interaction.
I used to get upset and then I realized, that I was a threat, a believed threat, and with the amount of divorces around me, I can see why this is. But a divorce is within the two, as the couple, and many times one of the couple runs to another couple, so it is not necessarily caused by the entrance of a single person.
Many times I have had in my head, as back chat, “ I do not want your fat egocentric husband”, “ You have got to be kidding me, why the fuck would I want him!” I have even considered saying this, but then I would get indignation because I had just criticized the man the woman was married to. But then again, I have seen woman flirt extensively with all men.
One time I was at this party and this woman would, when she talked with the men, actually bring her body in very close to the man as she spoke. She was slim and attractive. And all the men could not see this, they were all staring at her. So I said pointed out this behavior to the man I was with, and he re-looked at her. He was so busy looking at her, that he did not notice what she was doing physically. He became really quiet. I told him that if he wanted sex, I am sure she would be willing. He remained quiet and looked at her, got a little physically anxious himself. It was pretty funny. I thought, wow, this behavior is really entrenched as really bad, as in so much of what the men I know in their 40-50-60 age range that I encounter that there is this actual zoombie-like drive towards this. I mean, I have been in a restaurant with a man and he will stand there and begin to stare at women. The last time I just found someone else to talk to. And when this man came back down to earth, he turned and got involved in the conversation. I felt like saying, hello, your back?
I felt sorry for the hostess, the object of mental fairy land sexual play for the man.
Someone recently told me they had a relationship with a man where they met in public places and kissed and fondled. They never went into a “room” to actually have sex. She realized, as we are an older group, that the man had erectile problems, so “making out” was the only way to have a energetic sexual rush, as the “ you know what” did not work anymore and acknowledging this destroyed the fantasy.
Incredible.
Is this the point where many married couples start sleeping in separate rooms? Well, what I have heard is that this is because of snoring. But snoring is a breath in dis-ease, and perhaps within this, lies an answer to the other problem, that of erectile disfunction.
Instead we blame and hide. Never really looking, just seeking relationships for energy and not standing here, equal and one with and as this physical world.
But within all this, why am I wanting to talk with people, and then becoming fearful when they do not talk with me, for whatever reason?
Entertainment.
Often, after performing, people come up and want to talk, and then discuss why they never learned to play a musical instrument. It gets to the point where I do not want to hear this anymore and I want to say, it has nothing to do with talent, it is just doing it again and again and figuring it out, That is all. But this has not been well received, and the person ends up leaving with resentment because I just negated their belief in themselves.
When I interact with people, I probably run into the same scenario all the time, and I believe there is something wrong with me, and then I spiral around in my value system as what I have learned, to find a solution. There is no solution here. It is all behaviors within roles that support happy face illusions. It is like the facebook people who do not want to see what is really existent on earth. And when a post of some atrocity appears, they do not want to see it. There is no “wrong” within this, it simply is what is here and needs to be looked at. If this upsets someone, the question asked is why such a thing should be upsetting! And then looking at what exists to stop such behaviors. Why push a behavior into another room? or hide incapacity, or bellow emotionally about not being able to do something? What is that? It is actually nothing, pointless.
It is impossible to pander to emotions and feelings and tell the truth at the same time. And I think this is what I am trying to find, and it is impossible. Giving emotions and feelings value is turning this into a belief, and emotions and feelings are generated as like and dislikes which are themselves judgements that place one thing above another, which is separating from what is here as life into more than and less than. Starvation is caused by this judging into more than and less than, is caused by emotions and feelings that are themselves a separation from life. To say this means the death of one’s emotions and feelings; there is no other choice here. This is a possession and this possession is evil because by nature it ignores what is actually here. So, competition is a battle of emotions and feelings, these voices of values that are the act of existing as more than and less than instead of looking at what is actually physically here.
All of the above speaks of how the mind works and what being a directive as mind does to the human physical body. The mind is able to be understood. Emotions and feelings are able to be understood and seen for what they are. A lack of ease within the physical body is caused by a separation from life into and as what the mind does as a carrier of thoughtsthat select some qualities as more and others as less, judgement instead of looking at the physical world within practical functionality and using the physical as self to common sense this physical world. Where this physical world is of a substance of life, and self as this substance cannot be lost, where the objects surrounding us that are of this same substance need not be possessed as life is here. Yer, within this, we are here on this earth, a collective of forms as life, but the human has not realize this as the value, and is not taking care of itself as this organism allowing life expression.
A father of someone I know died recently, he did not have any one disease, all his organs started shutting down and any food passed through him, thus he basically starved. I read an article years ago that said all death is the body starving. Thus, within this system of mind made huge and the physical ignored, we all end up starving to death, some slow, some fast - within months of birth.
Some are effected by the system without, and all eventually by the system within as the quantum mind.
It is time to clean up the mind, to stop its dominance, and to stop this system of inequality, the mind manifest as a reflection of what man has allowed within as capitalism. Time to forgive the mind through the process of self forgiveness, and to care for all life on this planet through implementing an Equal Money System.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to find some pretty, happy, easy way to tell myself and others that their, and my, emotions and feelings are based on a value and thus a separation from what is actually here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up and saying/suggesting that emotions and feelings are a delineation of a value and this a separation from what is actually physically real here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that even when I allow myself to become angry, I am being the emotion of fearing a loss, of fearing the loss as being “compatible” with the person expressing an emotion or feeling, when the emotion/feeling is what is incompatible with what is actually here, as it is a more than or less than value and thus a judgement, where a “judgement” is not directive and supportive in allowing a full expression of life, which means life without disease, and war, without starvation, without non development of skills as what the very form of the human is capable of being and becoming.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the wrath of emotions and feelings being pointed out as what is that which stops self within and as a directive of supporting life and thus self as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become anxious, to “brace myself,” when having to speak up about how emotions and feelings are values of more than and less than, and thus judgements that are and as themselves what separates self from actually looking at what is here, where there is not need to become defensive, as there is nothing lost within a person choosing to hold onto their emotions and feelings as I am allowing myself to continue with separation if I accept and allow this and thus, herein will a loss exist in continuing such behaviors, where this then not need be done in fear, thus this need not be done in anger.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that any indication of righteousness within and as me, is this defense in and as fear of loss, and is myself no longer being directive within and as the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to breathing and no longer allowing emotions and feelings to create fear within and as me, within or without, to realize that emotions and feelings reflect the values I believe determine myself here, when in fact they do not, and are only indicators of myself in separation of here, of what actually exists.
I see, realize and understand that this present system feeds off of emotions and feelings, aggrandizing them, making them huge, and justifying them, as this is a means to allow unequal distribution and ownership of what is freely given on this earth, thus are emotions and feelings as compounded thoughts, where thoughts are ideas, belief and opinions placed/voiced/broadcast by those who capitalize from earth’s freely given resources, where even this idea, as the word, capitalism, has a touted emotional connotation of possibility to win, to capitalize, to gain - which allows the idea of existential loss as an ever present shadow of fear- all of which creates a drama in separation from what is actually here, enough to support life, to allow life to be what is expressed here on this earth.
I commit myself to breath, to remaining here, grounded on this earth, grounded to the physical as this is what supports myself here, thus this is what is real, and no emotion and feeling can take this away unless I accept and allow such.
I commit myself to bearthing myself here, and realizing that my thoughts, emotions and feelings are learned values, and accepted and allowed values as what i have been taught by those who came before me, thus i as life, am able to self realize myself as life, and stand and no longer accept emotions and feelings as something i must support within a role as the norm, but instead to realize them for what they are, a lack of understanding that all that is here, as this physical world is one and equal as life, and that within this, the present system is designed as what has been allowed within as the human, and thus is one and the same as it supports values of more than and less than instead of realizing the value is life, is being here, one and equal as life, where it is only here that one can see what is actually real, and thus it is only here, that one can interact with this formation of life.
I commit myself to speaking up about a basic/universal income grant and equal money system, as this realization of taking care of this world will allow the human some objective, to see, realize and understand the game of capitalism for what it is, a system of value of more than and less than - of gain and loss and thus creating a polarity of loss which most of the world experiences - that is separate from realizing the value is life.

The creation of the mind.

Life Review series, to realize separation and the consequences thereof.

The Consciousness of the Fly and much more!

Quantum Mind

The practical solution Equal Money

Creation's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey To Life

Earth's Journey To Life