Learning step by step to redress a limited morality Day 733

This week I had conversation with people in very different positions in this world. I have learned to become quiet and listen with greater ease. Meaning instead of reacting I listen, to hear the forms, to see the ‘ numbers’ placed before me, as the measure of the information.  

I have two memories coming up recently. One recent and one from my childhood.  

The first is while I am working in a  school. There is a boy in the room, it is a remediation , or invention class. This boy is behind in his ability to read and process information. The teacher comes and asks the boy why he signed up for a class that he knows he can only take once- as the boy has already had this class. The boy then moves this into a conversation as to why he can only take the class once. The teacher responding. After the boy leaves, this teacher gets on the phone and goes through the whole conversation again with a colleague.  I watch all of this, somehow it is a time frame of busyness that is a comfort zone, a distraction. The boy, so isolated from his peer group, grasps as moments of verbal interaction, to have something to live. He knows he cannot repeat that special class that is popular. The teacher joining in the topic to engage the child, and using the topic to fill the space and entertain, because real problem solving as processing information is not happening and it is the problem.  Ironic that the mechanics used are the thing needing greater definition, greater self reflection within what one lives in real space as what one expresses, as a math that has no real direct seeing movement. It is like an elongated song, a math, imposed on being grounded in this reality.  It is like a bubble of drama, or draw-me, imposed on the space that is a self seeking connection yet the connection is a false positive, as engagement is a fundamental drive. Yet this drama, done with words and values, is sidestepping a real awesomeness of being present in all that is here, as the physical.  It is, by default, a comfort zone melody/math/soap opera filled with good intentions, yet missing the mark, not seeing itself as a separation from the capacity of itself to see the distraction it is by the very nature of a lack of presence in real space. 

This also happened with talking to a friend. This person has had one of the best educations our country provides. She has attended the best schools.  We were talking about history, when she made a statement that I have heard and could see the accepted logic of in relation to ideas about changes in time away from what is considered being spiritual. It was a statement that science caused a loss of spirituality. When this statement was made, I countered it by saying that this could be said of any change as recorded and voiced by our system. This naturally caused a lot of friction and I had to stop, listen and allow the rant of defensive for platitudes to play itself out.  I checked myself even when it was said that I had to be righteous at the end of the response my words elicited. I even agreed that I had been righteous, and that what was said was a standard  formula that was stated. Naturally this brought on more reaction. Yet, as she spoke, to some extent, she travelled through time and realize the pattern, that it could be said that there were other periods where the same argument was made that a subsequent period created a loss of something. Overall, this was a play out of knowledge and information memorized, a standard hi/high- story ( a supposed morality) of information constantly circumnavigating practical and grounded application in real space and time, in common sense of what and who we are as physical beings here.  

Even to see this, and not be as reactive towards these songs, these maths, these measure of information, took some time. Standing up to the very morality of this, meaning to speak up counter to it, even if that meant calling out patterns, knowing this would elicit reactions, I allowed to cause a lot of fear. This fear manifested as myself feeling like I was losing something. Physically I would become, just like the feeling of fear, loopy and ungrounded, like I was in a soup, losing ground.  I feared that I was going to be cast out, rejected, because I did not know, as agree with the formula, the accepted formula. Meanwhile, when this did happen, I was always here, it was only an idea within me, the loopyness myself, in a way, liquifying everything I believed as spoke as allowed, moving into a spin, a deconstruction of the information as me. I would acquiesce to not lose the relationship, for various reasons that were more of idea than anything real. What is interesting is that when I was more simple and more practical, and relaxed, as in caring but not that much, the drama stopped.  In this situation, I could see the remnants of my own fear playing out, and within the rant of justification for a standard belief, a process of self discovery as the math, as the equation of events made belief were made verbal. As the realization of a pattern via justifying the standard pattern was seen, there was an immediate movement into value judgements , this some call hyperbole.  It is that formulaic design I have seen in those blogs written by trolls, where a truth is stated and then moves into the fear tactics of value judgement, a kind of mendacious gossip that is the pulling forward of a value judgement and then suggesting worst case sceanrios. It all can appear to move like a horror show as it triggers any fears within one, and keeps one riding in an illusion that is held in place by a lack of processing what is allowed as informed that has no real relationship to practical reality. For me, moving through a morality of and as an idea that pushing against this in any way, was taboo, was mean, meant a certain rejection by the establishment. Somehow, the opposite is true, which I have found when being patient, allowing the scream of limited information to play itself out, to move into discovery or the formulaic play-out of trolling, as name calling being a distraction from that moment of realizing a pattern that would mean re-evaluating everything one had defined one's self as. 

This sense of feeling like a liquid inside myself, triggering the second memory, I am in elementary school, and suddenly the wods around me are changing, and they change from some value form, I don't remember, to the point I remember, as being this liquid thing that falls apart and reforms. In the memory, I do not react with the sense of losing ground that I have experienced as an adult. I suppose because as a child, I was still grounded in the physical to a greater degree than I have allowed myself to be as an adult. 

Interesting that I am writing this, because I have asked myself in this process where that point of separation from being focused in common sense, happens. This because I have asked question about being in a situation where I, be it imagination or a micro second in seeing through a veil, managed to see a different world perspective than what I was lost in as that information I spun in that changed in a moment for which it appeared to me that I had no control over. I wanted to see the sequences of change from one to the other. The leaps of  change happening too fast for me to process.  I suppose some tiny part of me understood that I am in a smoke and mirrors show, the ghost of which terrified me, and lead to asking the question " Where is life? It must be here, it has to be here, where is it?" 

As I learn to assess in living space what is happening around me, and I begin to realize a false morality in practice, I move into shame, and a sense of impossibility at clearing all of this up. there is a point of wanting to cry that circles around as I move through the sequences of my own experience, of my own experiences from my life. I would say the hardest from within my relationship to all of this at this point, is no longer fearing to move through an acepted and limited morality.  That being to face and address the standard line of information. This being a justification, that a method of operation, that is formulaic. Ironically, this a means that lead to a greater seeing or realizing of these patterns was through slowing down and processing the information, not fearing to lose something, as having a faith that somehow life is here, all around me, as it has to be, because life will. I would pick myself up, like a slow moving Sherman tank and try again, despite so many around me coming in with counter rationals, myself having a character that wants to cry out in hopelessness, that being a memoory from childhood, a memory of giving up in some way, as yet not clearly defined. Somehow, that is okay that it is not, because the means to this point is to keep going until the mote in every eye is clear, and what is eternal is realized. Somehow, mixed in with the fear, is a tiny sense of joy. And with that joy, is so muchshame, a realization of so much lost, I just want to cry out that I am sorry, so very sorry for not having lived the potential inherent in what men on earth can be. 

This was a loss of what I left behind, as a gentleness that had a natural patience, which I lost in my life as well in a person, something that can never come back. No one can tell me that it is not my fault, when yes it is the default of not being focused and in respect of what is all around us, and that is life, manifest as the physical.  What I project as a loss in another, is what I lost as me. The means to be this, the same patience and silence that allows a morality to play itself out, and the action of not reacting to the formula of a troll, that truth coupled with inflamatory value judgements using a false narrative with a energized voice that has only the power I give to it. My own process of choosing fear and believing the self created and accepted entity of ideas wihtin me, to seem more real than the practical.  In all I can embrace the unnatural, because it is a game of shadows and stand within what remains no matter what, that I am here, I am the same after the emotional picture show peaks and moves either into realization and/or protection and defense. That defense needing no push back and only patience, because that reaction allows me to realize my own reflection as idea, of what I have allowed. It is a gift. 

In this, overall, I can stop chasing shadows as what resistance is by name, as information, a story imposed through words -as knowledge and information - and remember who and what I am, that nothing can define me, and that I can learn the smallest of movements, to stand equal to that gentleness that is the will of me as life, here.  I can be myself,  I can gift myself life, I can recognize the paranoia of the paranormal, as the promise I made to myself that I had to become myself, to ensure that the loss of what is precious, never happens again.  Somehow, this state of being on some border, as I see it, is both a mixture of shame and joy.  There is only one choice here.

This reminds me of the slow death of my father. His body having all the characteristic tics and tensions, that slowly faded. His body became still. The energies appearing to no longer have license over the body. The body taking a couple of breaths even when he was gone. His request that he be buried next to his sisters, a telling story - as that time with his sisters, was probably the last time he remembers being really happy/grounded, just as my memory as a child.  This choice being the choice where he remembers some semblance of himself, so far back in the past. The presence of him, being more of a child, gentle and simple. How could that be?  For me, the loss of that gentleness is unacceptable.  The wall of the mind,as a false positive, a charade of separation from what is real, must be called out by name, and allowed to see itself for what it is, a personality unequal to the real potential of self to be what is natural as the inherent will of life within and as who and what we are here on this physical planet, where all plans as forms of information are visiable, even those causing separation if we simply slow down and do what we can all do so well, which is to do the math, to see the forms,  to know we can stand stable in ourselves and choose a practice of respecting the physical world around us to realize what does no harm. 

Remember to breath. 

Day 312 Extreme Shock and Trauma: Accidents, Disease, Mental DisOrder

This then brings in the Next Level of Shock, which are: Accidents, Disease, Mental Disorder and Events that Cause Trauma – bringing a Sudden Stop the Consciousness-Illusion. When this Happens, a Chance exist that the Being may become Aware – but because everyone around a Being is Still Trapped in their Consciousness-Illusion: they will do their Utmost to Convince the one in Shock, that the Shock wasn’t Real. And so, Most even with a Great Traumatic Shock – will eventually Return to the Consciousness-Illusion. 
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/03/day-320-awareness-and-conception-in.html

Extreme Shock and Trauma
Bernard Poolman has talked about extreme shock and trauma being a trigger/catalyst for seeing more than consciousness. Well, in my case this is basically what happened.
I found my husband hanging by his neck in the attic of our Zurich apartment building in the Spring of 2000.
We were a normal middle class family, two healthy boys who did well in school,our marriage was not one of argument,we did not drink much, we enjoyed skiing - would ski all day when we skied. We loved to walk and be out in nature. We had friends and dinner parties, swam in the Zurich See. My husband had been going to France on the weekends to fly Ultra-light planes, as he had been a hand glider and loved to fly.
As I understood it, he was the head of the design unit for the renovation of the Zurich Airport, purportedly the biggest project ever in Switzerland at that time. His company had paid for him to take a very expensive managerial course. He also was working with Siemann’s and would fly to England to interact with an engineer, who was English. This engineer would also come to Zurich and stay with us in our apartment. It was a nice apartment, because there were always bird sounds, we were so close to the Zurich See.
I moved back to the states. It must have been about 5 or six weeks after the suicide that my sister “dragged” me out to socialize with the summer crowd at a local restaurant. There I sat at the table with about six or seven other people, all of whom I knew for many years. I was basically numb, like being in a state of nothing. In fact I felt nothing, it was as though everything was nothing. Nothing mattered, nothing, nothing, nothing, all was nothing.
Suddenly, every single person at that table had a bubble around them. Their eyes were not here, they were on the screen in front of their eyes. The big tree that was a part of the patio of this restaurant was blowing in the wind, like a giant stream it seemed, like it was in a stream - come to think of it. Anyway, not one single person at that table was really listening to anyone else. NO one was listening to anyone else. All anyone was doing was trying to ( and I am going to describe it as I saw it at that time) force/pull/divert/get attention onto, themselves. It was like they wanted to prove something, and all that mattered was taking anything, using any word, direct everything to and towards themselves to prove, to win, to substantiate themselves. it was like they were hungry for this and nothing else mattered. And there were like, these stream things moving from their eyes out and then back again - which I think one of the quantum mind interviews on Eqafe describe perfectly as how it was.
Mean while, I am sitting there thinking, what the fuck is that! What is going on, oh my god, what is that, no one is listening to anyone else!!!!! Silence. Okay.
I think at that point i snapped back into nothingness, silence, numbness. I forgot about this but other things started to happen, I started to have some problems with people sometimes. And I started to do odd things like just stop and look at another person, and I would just see them being obsessed with their own story.
I also did not want to talk too much. But this is a state of shock.
About a year later, I was doing my student teaching. I had just taught a lesson on some math process to a fourth grade class. Now, I had anxiety that I was not good enough to teach these children. I actually had thoughts of, how can I do this, I could not save/stop what happened to my husband.
So, I had just finished teaching this lesson, had practiced some of the process with the students and was handing this over for them to do on their own. So, I was standing back and watching the group work quietly on their own. One of the boys looked up from his desk and stared in front of him - like he was “staring a hole in the wall” as the saying goes. ( I mean why so we do this? And why does this have a “name”?) Suddenly, above his head was a metallic looking ball, and it was spinning around. This boy was erratic in his behavior, he could read at a higher level than anyone in the class, and he could figure out math problems that as far as I was concerned, he had not been taught. I knew his parents, they owned a fast food restaurant. Okay, what was that? is what I thought, I actually looked at this thing, and could see it had impressed lines around it, like the stitches on a baseball , it was this deep grey color with a hint of bronze coloring and it spun, like those typewriter balls on electric type writers. Back and forth, changing direction. Can you imagine suddenly seeing something like this? What would you do, it is not like I was sick, I was functioning, eating, doing, living, taking care of children, going to school, just normal like anyone else, and this very strange stuff was happening.
Now something like this had happened in my twenties, and I had seen a bubble like thing around something. I had searched for someone else describing such a thing, but found nothing. The next time I was in New York City I went to that big esoteric book store Samual Weiser? I think it was called, and started to look for someone or something describing a bubble around “things”. This time I found something, it was in a Colin Wilson book, the supposed “great sceptic” where a man who had moved into a house had encountered a “man”, as I remember this, that was a “bear” and he began to speak with this entity. Anyway, he. the man that had this encounter, described a bubble being around this entity. That was the only description I found in twenty odd years until I found desteni.
What I saw as a bubble like facade as the “screen” people were “reading” happened in the summer of 2000. I did not find desteni until 2009. I found them when I had gotten to a point where I did not know where to look anymore, nothing made sense, and something was wrong, in a moment of “ four sheets to the wind” I reached out and asked a question, and desteni answered.
The first video was of Veno in Sunette’s body talking about the mind consciousness system. I think this was the second time in my life that I went into shock, someone was talking about bubbles being round people, about a system in the mind, an inter-dimensional system that limited, that was like a retainment of self abdication as life, manifest as fear, as separation from self as life, which would fit with what I saw, as everyone at that table trying desperately, aggressively, obsessively, trying to get all attention onto them as ideas, and opinions and beliefs to prove that they were “right” that their way was THE WAY, and all of it was a self hiding from facing self as life, here.
What I felt as I saw this, as I moved from seeing this to myself in that moment in 2000, was that I was way, way, way down at the end of some really really long tunnel, so far away, so small, so diminished, so timy, and that whole tunnel before me was my separation from life, that somehow this HUGE thing was a storm so great, that reaching here, as in reaching those around me was a divide. But what I remember from this, was how buried I was within this.
So, yes there are bubbles around all of us, even those no longer in the physical existence as a person in a body, in a physical form. If I can see this so can you. If I look back, I realize that the times these things have happened I was very quiet - so to speak- and evidently this is a trait in another branch of my family history, so I am not “special” within this, as this is something that has been realized here, as part of the story of here. I had a great Aunt, who told me one time that I was like the Riotte family, who were half Mayan, so is this an echo of how the MAyans did what they did, in becoming very quiet, they listened and within this learned to see what is here making a lot of noise right in front of them as their fear and desire to be more than, contained in a bubble?

Everything is here, what we are is in all the stories and words we speak, we have simply separated everything into a quantum structure that evaluates into more and less without application into and as realizing that everything has a value, and that not one value is more than another and in this process we are in separation from life, from being one and equal with and as the sound of life as the substance of life.

Become equal and one to and as LIFE DIP Lite

Day 302 Disgust Character Imagination Dimension

Imagination Dimension Disgust character
I notice that when I get into an argument and become angry, I become a sneer, like I am so possessed with disgust. There is some development going on next to me, and I talked with the developer. he did not like my question, and became immediately defensive, I could feel anger coming up in me, so much smaller, yet still there. I begin to project disgust towards this person, distain, and a glee, in thinking that this person revealed themselves to me and now I have license to attack. This is all based on fear of loss, and it is the same behavior I encountered with my parents, which I wrote about in a previous blog. This, “ okay, you are acting in self interest, bullying me, so you are now equal to me, and no better than I in my own self interest, so we are even, even to be the same.” This wry smile, a glare as an expression on the face appears, like Pnadora’s box has been opened. What does this do? Nothing. And we all do this, it just moves so fast and has been done so often that we do not even notice it anymore. It is done indirectly, directly, aggressively and passively. Were it not done, than this world would be a different place. And, since this is a movement within, this suggests that this need not be what we are, as even one moment of being forgiving, means that this is what can be the movement within, it is only ourselves/myself stopping the forgiving of myself as life, within and as the principle of what is best for all. The situation I spoke of above, is about money, and all this other person could see was a threat to their money, to their survival and since these behaviors are accepted, this survival to not lose, to not face a death, be it the final death, a death of social status , a death of monetary support as in loss, within consideration of immediate self needs only, without considering what goes on for all inhabitants of earth, is criminal. How can living in constant worry about survival be an expression of life? How can we even consider that there is any other option but to care for all life, especially in the face that we have major transportation and communication systems across the earth? There is food grown all over this earth, there are robots now that can lift heavy things, I mean, there is absolutely no reason, what is here on this earth is not being taken care of as life, needs met. The only thing stopping us at the moment is an entrenched behavior of complacency. If we/I could just take a deep breath and step outside of our metaphysical minds, in not much time at all could this world be turned around. The first step is to stabilize what is here, with food and shelter and clean water. Then, once this is done, move from there.
In common sense, there are major distribution centers all over the world, I mean we can sure get guns and tanks and naval ships every where! There are even cards measuring every oyster! I mean really! There are satellites circling in space, taking picture of the earth. And it is not that rich man with the money in his pocket that placed that satellite there, the money moved the resource un-equally, but it did not physically move that resource, what has been dictated is a metaphysical idea imposed as a picture in the mind that that money created that satellite, this is, in all common sense NOT what actually, physically happened here, as a movement to place that satellite up there in space. This satellite could just as well been placed there within a system where all life was supported, because the hands of men are here, these hands have been developing what is here to enable that satellite to come into existence, for generations. Metaphysical mind is a new term for superstition, all fancied up and used in higher education for some glorifying nuance that is actually shades of grey of separation in the world of shadowy illusion, the metaphysical tool of the mind made bigger than life.
So, this disgust is my separation into self interest because I believed someone else was doing this, thus it means it’s okay for me. This is, “ Let’s open Pandora’s box together and play metaphysical dress up with separation into and as energy, let’s impose a fantasy on the physical world, a limited one at that, and cut our noses off despite our face”
The problem is that here is no such thing as win and lose, the action and belief of this means separation from here, from communication in common sense of what supports all life, where what is supportive, really supportive of self is supportive of all on earth. Thus there is only a win-win scenario within providing what is necessary for a dignified life for all of existence. And the means for this are here. This is life having a real free will, a will of itself as the substance of self, being free, and this is the nature of life, mind in place as the tool that it is, that which takes a metaphysical picture of life, but is not life, thus does the actual physical world show us the outflows of our perception, allowing us to self realize ourselves in equality and oneness in and as life. What the human has done is gotten lost in the action of the mind as the metaphysical image mechanism. It was only the desire to be a “god” that turned the mind/image maker into a reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I encounter self interest , as fear of loss, that I then have the right to join the game, because if you are doing it than it is okay for me to do so also.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand immediately how I have judged another as acting in self interest, to stop and not allow myself to become disgusted which means I have already also become a judgement instead of becoming one and equal to the separation as a separation from common sense, and to within this to breath and take the principle of oneness and equality, of what is best for all is best for self, and to direct myself accordingly.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the moment I imagined escaping punishment as a child, and joining the behaviors of separation as what my parents had learned and existed as, I joined in the game of win and lose, energetic polarities of separation as a total package that is an outcome of loss, yet the immediate outcome appeared to be a win, which was in essence a superficial win, as the eventual outcome would be death.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the disgust was myself that I then projected onto my parents, as I became a justifying state as a feeling in and as glee, as I had only won a momentary reprise from punishment, beginning a slow death into existing as fear, a fear of loss.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this is the past, and not myself here, and thus judging myself , and/or continuing to allow this as an adult, is unacceptable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite myself and the world around me, I enter the game of separation and become disgusted, wanting all around me to suffer the same.
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to project disgust onto another, to when and as I realize what i am doing, as I remain in and as breath, here, I stop and I do not allow myself to become a habituated behavior learned in childhood in protection and defense in and as becoming a lie.
I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to compare one thing against another, using a value system of limitation from common sense of physical reality, as what was taught within my cultural upbringing, where when I find myself judging one thing as more than I go into a behavior of self disgust/inferiority and or judge something as less than where i project disgust onto that which I judge as less than and allow myself to feel superior through glee , all of this a protection defense mechanism to remain within what is believed to maintain survival within a system of inequality.
I commit myself to realizing within and as every breath, what I accept and allow in every moment here, to realize that any emotion in and as disgust is myself not wanting to stand one and equal to what is here, rejecting equality and oneness, communication with life, as I am allowing a belief, based in an image from a past as mind to be what is real.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that judgement is an imposition in and as comparison of a more than and a less than categorized value of reality according to what was learned to enable my own status maintenance to survive where I would react in a projected disgust towards what was taught as less than, and also, a self disgust for separating from equality and oneness in and as myself as life.

Related articles

• Day 300 Thought dimension Disgust character
• Day 294 Disgust Character : Fear Dimension The Trap
• Day 297 Character of Disgust Fear Dimension
• Day 293 Disgust Character Memory: Self Resistance

Day 252 Imagination dimension: Self abdication character

Day 252 Imagination dimension Self Abdication
I had a dream last night about a house. It was a house I had bought that was filled with drawers and drawers of “stuff”, and a garden outside. The people in my town had come and started to work on the house voluntarily. It was all moving in a haphazard way. This house, with the garden was surrounded by sky scrapers - all the windows looked out onto the garden, a small house in the middle of all these structures. The garden at the back of the house was the only green.
A curiosity existed towards all the stuff in the drawers, memorabilia - some might call this clutter. Having taken care of a house, I felt - in the dream- that all this stuff was overwhelming and I wondered around aimlessly, watching the whole scene, and also curious about all this stuff.
Being a widow and having suddenly lost what I was within the society I lived, I came to live in this small town. Myself in a fog - fear - obligation and guilt. Grief.
My dream in many ways is myself, as my world is filled with stuff, as belief, opinion and ideas, as memorabilia, as an imagination of behavior within assigned roles that delineate and distribute a focus of care within the structure of present society. Even when the role assigned as what the focus of one’s care should be, somehow does not allow the full expression of the person assigned the role, things must be suppressed and ignored or the eye of the spy, as the dictate of the drama will become a mess. Ironically, given the accumulation of “stuff/memorabilia/idols-of-the-past “ collected in the drawers, it seems the props became overwhelming and consumed the space.
I suppose, having lost everything, myself as wondering within what is here, brought on an objectivity, and in my ‘spacyness,” my fog of grief, I had a moment to stand back and see the drama around me, and how limited it was in fact. In one way, my guilt had been so great I remained obsessed with it, and others simply expressed their pity and moved on, whereas I remained, and somehow I started noticing that something was amiss within this world, especially since i was told “ I could never know” and I cannot accept this, it does not make any sense to me. And why do others get so irritated when I act against this belief and yet have no answers to give? I just simply cannot accept this. Things must be known, or how do we ever learn. And we have a belief in learning, or we would not have schools, so right there, there is a contradiction that makes no sense. And even here, the problems within health, especially, continue, and all that has been said for a long time is “ progress is being made” yet I don’ see this in my world. This statement is just this, a statement presented on a piece of paper.
The resources of this earth, are here to be life, and support life. It is man who takes this and creates a value from this. In this dream, the resource as support has been made into objects to hold the past and collect it, as though the actions of the past can be owned. And in this process, the action made idol becomes more than the moment lived. Thus the past accumulates, just as the objects holding the past, ( or in some cases objects of art and technology, are collected to admire the industry/creation of men - which is admiring the outcome and not the whole process , as the creation process) and every time the object is handled the memory comes up, which would separate from being here, equal to here, actually choosing to be the value of simply being, as what the object is a memory of, where it is the being of self as life that is the real value - the rest is supporting the being of self, what has happened is the being of self looked at within a glass bubble of what self was in the past - and this is not being, or a knotted/not beingness, a separate beingness, self NOT being only looking at being.
Imagine this accumulating?!
Is this what created the role play? Did the memory holding come before the role play? Is role play participation within the memory? Did one beget the other? Is this hierarchy on earth the imposition of a memorabilia, grown so big there is little earth left to see? Because the object created, even within the organization within understanding creation, come to believing the object was creator than the substance that offered the opportunity to create? And within focusing on the object, as a value given, the action creating the value, is also turned into a value, and mean while what is ignored is the value as simply being, here. Then, within this, being here, would mean realizing this being as the value, and what was equal in all that was here. Creation would remain,but shared equally, this being the value, no more objectifying and possessing, no more need to clutter and hold memories of past actions and values.
And have not these memories now become a means of survival, meaning signifiers of actions lived as having a value to be placed on a higher shelf within the collection that is in itself a collection of values on display, where we walk through and ogle these values, so separate have we become from the real value simply being life? And would not appear as, as it so obviously is, a matrix of our own construction? The care of which enslaves many expression as life, into and as what serves this?
This is surreal. And there are people who have painted this, because this is what people on this earth have become, zombies of the past, zoomers by of life as the being of self in a past as experiences within label as object are a knowledge and information as self definition instead of the value being self as life, here. Like a construct being a value instead of the substance of the construct. Where, the things constructed are not good or bad, but the ignorance of the substance and the interaction and being as this has become secondary to the object. So, this then has created a system that holds all this in place, and in the process, the most aggressive have cloistered their objects and made others the protectors of this collection, and have also taken the value of the resource and placed a network of laws that funnel this resource unequally in self interested survival. Even these limited values can be taught/promoted/blasted through media, to display one and only one program, with seemingly different embellishments, the degrees - slight- of difference made huge. Thus, do we exist within limited expressions, ignorant of what we are as life, equal and one in all existent on earth.
So, when I have an image, a thought, an emotion, feelings, idea, belief, opinion, past experience come up within me, it is myself resonant with what was taught, as what was presented by this present systems cluttered with objects directing myself as life within a world that perpetuates this to the point where there is little green left on earth, and many starving and suffering, and the resource of earth diminishing as it is not being used as the value that it is, which is life, and thus what supports life, where no life is greater or less than another, as the substance is equal in all, and this substance is the real value. Obviously, the expressions as the forms accepted on this earth, are not allowing life to exist, are not developing life on this planet within full potential in expression as life. Had this been what existed there would not be dis-ease, illness, pollution, reckless treatment and thusabuse of animals and soils and flesh, air and water.
The muse of equality must speak, again and again and again, until this is heard and realized on this earth, and the more becoming this the louder the sound and the more it is heard until this earth becomes life, in full expression, here. The creation must align equally with the substance of life, which would be visible as all earth existing in full expression as life, and thus the measure is the end of pollution, dis-ease, starvation, abuse, neglect, ignorance.

Thus, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to stand back and to see, realize and understand the values I have accepted and allowed to support me as a belief , opinion and idea as knowledge and information of un-investigated significance and understanding to become what i define myself as, as I give something a face value of which I have no understanding within consequence on the physical world, as I have separated myself into a value separate from an awareness of myself as life, equal and one with all existence.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within my imagination, where I follow ideas as to how I should look, how I should respond, what cares I need attend to, without looking at what is here as life, being aware of what exists on this planet and how what I do and exist as, as what I dress myself as , affects the physical world within realizing what is supportive and what is not necessary within myself directing myself here as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become personifications to direct myself here, to abdicate the ability of myself to look at what is here on this earth and to apply common sense within what is practiced, to realize that which is good and that which does not support life, and thus wastes the resources of this earth in ways that abuse this earth and the creatures that exist on this earth, of which I have no real understanding as I have only followed what was taught, what was promoted/presented instead ofquestioning within common sense and standing up in support of life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the patterns of behavior on earth as indicating that something was not in fact supporting life on this planet and that the present structure as the present system of inequality, was in fact not functioning in a way that supported all life, where instead of blaming the object only, what was also the cause was the existent system that has not utilized the resources of this earth to support life, had this been done than this world would be a different place.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the being of myself in and as fear, is myself not wanting to change what I have accepted and allowed as an expression of myself here, even when I notice that I have mood swings from happiness, into sadness, from feeling tired, into being over exuberant, and thus has there been little consistency within and as myself being directive here, where many lack consistency as their health is not supported, which is evident within the amount of disease on earth through lack of sustenance as the resources are grabbed in the self interest of a few, or what is produced with these resources has not real value and thus does not sustain, or what is produced is filled with pollution upsetting the functioning of the physical causing behaviors and illnesses that then require care and time spent on a life no longer able to express itself as life, as the physical is cluttered with the consequences of the mis-use, the ignorant use and abuse of the gift of life given as the substance of the physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see the patterns in and as my mind, as memories being a alternate reality, where it is not that some of the values as the memories are bad or good, it is that the design in and as this is in separation from what is actually physically here, where, if life were lived on this planet as self in self expression there would be no need for memories, as memories stand now the human has not developed an ability to sense all life, thus the what is sensed in and as memory is limited as it is a picture based on values presented within a system of inequality , meaning an object being made greater than life, which is an act of separation from what is real here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto the values as the actions of care within which I define myself within the role I accepted and allowed , where the cares are not good or bad, but allowing this to be made huge without awareness of the totality of what exists on this earth and the substance of myself as life, limits my perception and is not in itself, as only being this singular care, does not address how and why such a care is needed, or believed to be needed, or existent, as the autonomous expression of what the care is directed to and towards obviously lacks an existential ability to direct itself as life, here, as what is identified with is limited.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within this, the present structure on earth is not supporting life, and therefor must change, where the process of changing this structure on earth will create a change on earth to allow those who are presently able to stand an be life, in self support, and for those that need support because of the consequences of what has existed in separation from life, to be supported until this earth is aligned within and as equality and oneness in and as life, here.

I commit myself to realize the patterns of behavior as values in support of a limited design of survival, passed down and resonant within and as a mind of pictures and knowledge and information separate from reading the actual real physical world in detail, where no detail is left out, or manipulated to serve in self interest, where the ability of self as life, is developed to be in common sense of this actual physical world, that is obviously of a greater technology than anything man has created in his separation from the physical, to align myself with the construct of the mind consciousness system and to realize that this cannot direct me unless I accept and allow this, which is done through self forgiveness,writing and corrective application, to then make this house of memories and values placed onto objects, smaller within and as what i am in awareness, to then align myself to be directed within what is best for all in thought word and deed, to create a life on earth where what is here is life in expression and not life in destruction as a shout of spite and blame, in fear of one object being of more value than another, where a game of competition through comparison is the voice of the ego, as energy, as this lacks substantive awareness of life in common sense, as it is the behavior of the human in self interest.
I commit myself to standing one and equal with and as the construct of my mind as the pictures and memories from my past of the values taught through family, education, media, to forgive myself of these directives, and to take what was good and align myself to what is best for all in humility as any reaction of anger, emotion, and feeling is myself moving within limitation, as when the emotion or feelings comes up, I must see realize and understand that the thoughts collected and compounded into this soul construct creating a personification of my separation, and within this I correct this into and as what is best for all, within and without, as i walk through my self forgiveness and corrective application, within the practice of self forgiveness being lived in application, here with and as every breath, until I am equal within and as the mind/physical as myself as life, here.
I commit myself to cleaning up the house of the mind, a museum of beliefs, opinions and ideas, placed on display as a record of my past, as collected values taught within and as style, behavior, experiences given meaning as being a more than, knowledge learned that when looked at is filled with holes as limitations as not all details were understood within the teaching and or gathering of such supposed knowledge - which was the consequence of a system of self interest within survival within this whole structure of separation from life, meaning that self feared moving self as life, and chose to make the creation bigger than the substance that enabled the creation, and thus within all this, I breath, and I stop and I see, realize and understand what i have accepted and allowed as mind and I bring myself back to earth within and as each breath, where moments of shame and “falling” are not to be judged but to be used to understand where i have separated myself from life here, thus there is not time for blame, or anger, there is only here, equal and one with and as life, here within the principle of what is best for all.
I commit myself to realizing that my “house” as mind, is , as in my dream, much bigger than the exterior garden, and that within this, and with the tools of self forgiveness, writing and corrective application and the principle of oneness and equality, I can walk with breath and take the constructs of singular values and realize how I am directing myself as this, and deconstruct this “house” until I stand equal and one, with and as life , as earth here, where at this period in what has been accepted and allowed , will take some time, as the physical house is needed, and the garden is needed, yet it is to ensure that all life on this earth is cared for, as this is the value as what has been created must be taken care of until all are equal and one to and as life here, as plant, animal, soils, organisms, water, and air.

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Day 182 Facing emotions and feelings,

I have noticed, especially being a single mom, that many women, and men are standoffish with me. Yes, at soccer games, when my children were small, there were mothers that would talk with me, but most of the time, they were distant; polite talk only, was allowed.
Otherwise, there was no interaction.
I used to get upset and then I realized, that I was a threat, a believed threat, and with the amount of divorces around me, I can see why this is. But a divorce is within the two, as the couple, and many times one of the couple runs to another couple, so it is not necessarily caused by the entrance of a single person.
Many times I have had in my head, as back chat, “ I do not want your fat egocentric husband”, “ You have got to be kidding me, why the fuck would I want him!” I have even considered saying this, but then I would get indignation because I had just criticized the man the woman was married to. But then again, I have seen woman flirt extensively with all men.
One time I was at this party and this woman would, when she talked with the men, actually bring her body in very close to the man as she spoke. She was slim and attractive. And all the men could not see this, they were all staring at her. So I said pointed out this behavior to the man I was with, and he re-looked at her. He was so busy looking at her, that he did not notice what she was doing physically. He became really quiet. I told him that if he wanted sex, I am sure she would be willing. He remained quiet and looked at her, got a little physically anxious himself. It was pretty funny. I thought, wow, this behavior is really entrenched as really bad, as in so much of what the men I know in their 40-50-60 age range that I encounter that there is this actual zoombie-like drive towards this. I mean, I have been in a restaurant with a man and he will stand there and begin to stare at women. The last time I just found someone else to talk to. And when this man came back down to earth, he turned and got involved in the conversation. I felt like saying, hello, your back?
I felt sorry for the hostess, the object of mental fairy land sexual play for the man.
Someone recently told me they had a relationship with a man where they met in public places and kissed and fondled. They never went into a “room” to actually have sex. She realized, as we are an older group, that the man had erectile problems, so “making out” was the only way to have a energetic sexual rush, as the “ you know what” did not work anymore and acknowledging this destroyed the fantasy.
Incredible.
Is this the point where many married couples start sleeping in separate rooms? Well, what I have heard is that this is because of snoring. But snoring is a breath in dis-ease, and perhaps within this, lies an answer to the other problem, that of erectile disfunction.
Instead we blame and hide. Never really looking, just seeking relationships for energy and not standing here, equal and one with and as this physical world.
But within all this, why am I wanting to talk with people, and then becoming fearful when they do not talk with me, for whatever reason?
Entertainment.
Often, after performing, people come up and want to talk, and then discuss why they never learned to play a musical instrument. It gets to the point where I do not want to hear this anymore and I want to say, it has nothing to do with talent, it is just doing it again and again and figuring it out, That is all. But this has not been well received, and the person ends up leaving with resentment because I just negated their belief in themselves.
When I interact with people, I probably run into the same scenario all the time, and I believe there is something wrong with me, and then I spiral around in my value system as what I have learned, to find a solution. There is no solution here. It is all behaviors within roles that support happy face illusions. It is like the facebook people who do not want to see what is really existent on earth. And when a post of some atrocity appears, they do not want to see it. There is no “wrong” within this, it simply is what is here and needs to be looked at. If this upsets someone, the question asked is why such a thing should be upsetting! And then looking at what exists to stop such behaviors. Why push a behavior into another room? or hide incapacity, or bellow emotionally about not being able to do something? What is that? It is actually nothing, pointless.
It is impossible to pander to emotions and feelings and tell the truth at the same time. And I think this is what I am trying to find, and it is impossible. Giving emotions and feelings value is turning this into a belief, and emotions and feelings are generated as like and dislikes which are themselves judgements that place one thing above another, which is separating from what is here as life into more than and less than. Starvation is caused by this judging into more than and less than, is caused by emotions and feelings that are themselves a separation from life. To say this means the death of one’s emotions and feelings; there is no other choice here. This is a possession and this possession is evil because by nature it ignores what is actually here. So, competition is a battle of emotions and feelings, these voices of values that are the act of existing as more than and less than instead of looking at what is actually physically here.
All of the above speaks of how the mind works and what being a directive as mind does to the human physical body. The mind is able to be understood. Emotions and feelings are able to be understood and seen for what they are. A lack of ease within the physical body is caused by a separation from life into and as what the mind does as a carrier of thoughtsthat select some qualities as more and others as less, judgement instead of looking at the physical world within practical functionality and using the physical as self to common sense this physical world. Where this physical world is of a substance of life, and self as this substance cannot be lost, where the objects surrounding us that are of this same substance need not be possessed as life is here. Yer, within this, we are here on this earth, a collective of forms as life, but the human has not realize this as the value, and is not taking care of itself as this organism allowing life expression.
A father of someone I know died recently, he did not have any one disease, all his organs started shutting down and any food passed through him, thus he basically starved. I read an article years ago that said all death is the body starving. Thus, within this system of mind made huge and the physical ignored, we all end up starving to death, some slow, some fast - within months of birth.
Some are effected by the system without, and all eventually by the system within as the quantum mind.
It is time to clean up the mind, to stop its dominance, and to stop this system of inequality, the mind manifest as a reflection of what man has allowed within as capitalism. Time to forgive the mind through the process of self forgiveness, and to care for all life on this planet through implementing an Equal Money System.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to find some pretty, happy, easy way to tell myself and others that their, and my, emotions and feelings are based on a value and thus a separation from what is actually here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up and saying/suggesting that emotions and feelings are a delineation of a value and this a separation from what is actually physically real here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that even when I allow myself to become angry, I am being the emotion of fearing a loss, of fearing the loss as being “compatible” with the person expressing an emotion or feeling, when the emotion/feeling is what is incompatible with what is actually here, as it is a more than or less than value and thus a judgement, where a “judgement” is not directive and supportive in allowing a full expression of life, which means life without disease, and war, without starvation, without non development of skills as what the very form of the human is capable of being and becoming.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the wrath of emotions and feelings being pointed out as what is that which stops self within and as a directive of supporting life and thus self as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become anxious, to “brace myself,” when having to speak up about how emotions and feelings are values of more than and less than, and thus judgements that are and as themselves what separates self from actually looking at what is here, where there is not need to become defensive, as there is nothing lost within a person choosing to hold onto their emotions and feelings as I am allowing myself to continue with separation if I accept and allow this and thus, herein will a loss exist in continuing such behaviors, where this then not need be done in fear, thus this need not be done in anger.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that any indication of righteousness within and as me, is this defense in and as fear of loss, and is myself no longer being directive within and as the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to breathing and no longer allowing emotions and feelings to create fear within and as me, within or without, to realize that emotions and feelings reflect the values I believe determine myself here, when in fact they do not, and are only indicators of myself in separation of here, of what actually exists.
I see, realize and understand that this present system feeds off of emotions and feelings, aggrandizing them, making them huge, and justifying them, as this is a means to allow unequal distribution and ownership of what is freely given on this earth, thus are emotions and feelings as compounded thoughts, where thoughts are ideas, belief and opinions placed/voiced/broadcast by those who capitalize from earth’s freely given resources, where even this idea, as the word, capitalism, has a touted emotional connotation of possibility to win, to capitalize, to gain - which allows the idea of existential loss as an ever present shadow of fear- all of which creates a drama in separation from what is actually here, enough to support life, to allow life to be what is expressed here on this earth.
I commit myself to breath, to remaining here, grounded on this earth, grounded to the physical as this is what supports myself here, thus this is what is real, and no emotion and feeling can take this away unless I accept and allow such.
I commit myself to bearthing myself here, and realizing that my thoughts, emotions and feelings are learned values, and accepted and allowed values as what i have been taught by those who came before me, thus i as life, am able to self realize myself as life, and stand and no longer accept emotions and feelings as something i must support within a role as the norm, but instead to realize them for what they are, a lack of understanding that all that is here, as this physical world is one and equal as life, and that within this, the present system is designed as what has been allowed within as the human, and thus is one and the same as it supports values of more than and less than instead of realizing the value is life, is being here, one and equal as life, where it is only here that one can see what is actually real, and thus it is only here, that one can interact with this formation of life.
I commit myself to speaking up about a basic/universal income grant and equal money system, as this realization of taking care of this world will allow the human some objective, to see, realize and understand the game of capitalism for what it is, a system of value of more than and less than - of gain and loss and thus creating a polarity of loss which most of the world experiences - that is separate from realizing the value is life.

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