DAY 855 Working on opening the chest of potential as movement within living words.

Here again today I am aware of this “ thickness” in my chest area. This week, in moments of calm, I noticed how distracting thinking is and does? How the movement of the body is more able to respond within realizing solutions - especially within uncovering and connecting within more universal truths, or early acknowledged problems. One is more vulnerable in such a state and sees beyond politically projected belief systems. 

I realize in some respects that finding a point of vulnerability is in itself a greater willingness to face and resolve problems. I can see where going into or forming things in such a way that another is in a more vulnerable state of something I greatly feared - as though such a thing is a taboo. Yet, it is where one is softer, more pliable and therefore more able to LOOK. Allowing vulnerability is opening up changeability- that state of focus the very means of change. I find myself wanting to “ hold” this yet that is the same that leads to a loss of that of which I am speaking. 

It also almost feels like waking up to allow real feeling, and that such that appears to be a place to not go to, is the very same means to open up and remember joy, to re-member PLAY. This also feels unbelievable, or something suppressed. It reminds me of realizing that fear is an illusion. Like there was something there all along that was really a nothing - leaving a sort of neutral shock in its place. It is to  say that chaos blinded simplicity.  Is this a self catching a running train of protections that once realized have no substance? Is this why this appears to be something of such slight difference? In contrast it reveals projections that imbalance the body being the thin-king that they exist within and as? 

There is also a sense that I remember having while walking down a Zurich street back in 1998-1999 of and as “ everything is going to be okay.”  It is to say that discovery is gentle and is absent of an excitatory bling. It is to say a power-vortex has no real power. Somehow, the difference is not YET as clear as it might be but this may be the contrast of having lived in separation.  It is like coming home is great because it has no fanfare. One is simply in grace and that is the real power. Letting go and letting be without apprehension. 

I also sense that I am in a space where a conditioned bounce back wants to happen. There is this constant drive into tension within my chest area. I have been here before. It must be named more clearly, the directions moved as, expressed as able to face the unknown and as the same time have no worry in doing so, or laughing at falling down, much like a child learning to walk. Habits are programming, and programming was practiced and built/accepted/allowed. It is running on automatic - much like our present administrative and government systems. Perhaps those working on change do not realize the extent to which programming is blind to itself. Asking that to stand up and self realize, especially when money determines life is like talking to a huge resonant wall. One must stand equal to it. And one must stand with authority, which has a manner that is sound and stable. It can be heard through the storm - which means it must be said more than three times and consistently, like the 21 day rule for changing a habit.  lol, were school units usually of a duration of three weeks? The system uses the known to program limited and compartmentalized thin-king.  It creates a state of selective reasoning. It becomes a “ state of being.” We do have many talking about the deep state, or statism. How about becoming earthism? which is heartism? They are the same letters. Divide and conquer is done through an ever-so-slight pulling of information threads. It is why the “ veil” is considered to be thin. lol

And this is what it feels like in the body, in my chest, like there are threads pulling my shoulders forward slightly causing a form of a concave chest area. There’s also some pressure around my head, like a cap - lol a caption. Like I said the difference is slight and composed of symbols.  As some have said, we will know them by their symbols. I remember while being in a classroom and this one student staring into space was looking at a screen of subtle neon-like lights. I shut down and walked away. I had no idea how to deal with this at that time- the point here was that it was a bunch of symbols and figures moving around on a projected screen. I mean, what does it mean to sense real movement? Or to model real movement? That question came up so I wrote it out! 

What does it mean to walk with authority, the kind that opens doors without a need for recognition? This makes me want to cry, as a sense of having lost a joy. Like, if I walk in joy, I will be shut down, as it is not allowed.  The sense of wanting to cry being more a loss of this than  and an apology for having given up in some way, or an apology to myself …., and my husband. Deep down it is more that I must forgive myself- that it is okay, that everything is going to be alright. I can walk in joy, I can stop the bounce back into protection or rather “ not upsetting the status quo of separation.” It means to let be and to let go and to recognize running from and running to as being separate from a natural capacity to be present and process what is here. it is okay to be grounded, it is okay to be in recognition of potential and that which is separate from potential.  It is okay to NOT participate in the illusion of bling. It is okay to upset webs without causing harm. Reactions are okay, like the famous “ forgive them for they know not what they do,” or “ care but not that much.” It is okay to LOOK. It is okay to stand using natural senses, as this is necessary to sense the outlines of separate divisions that are of limitation. It is okay to be present and sense this living space.

It is like standing up and falling down, standing up and falling down, standing up and falling down again and again and again, and feeling so tired within doing this. Also, a bit like there is no other place to go but to stand up and fall down as long as it takes. That in itself becomes a belief, limiting focus of the greater whole. This is creating this warm falling sensation in my chest, a warmth of and as it is okay, embrace this and stop seeing ONLY this habit of and as a belief in standing up and falling down, again and again. It is NOT overwhelming to realize this and sense beyond it. In contrast, there is a constant that has a nurturing quality to it, and that is greater than the excitatory sense of having won something. It is like a deep nurturing characteristic of the feminine is absent, that same movement that can simply say sit and the dog will sit.   There is “ here.”  Nothing can define this unless by allowance, here is constant. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel tired in relation to expressing myself in relation to what exists around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that things are impossible, which in itself is a distraction within and as focusing here, in the practical in the physical reality that is life in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that being is a series of standing up and falling down ONLY.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to live this movement that is in reality a form of self pity, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that living in joy, within and as processing the information around me, as that which is limited and of separation from life and that which is here in plain sight as the practical living reality that is physical is not allowed - lol, “ allowed” sound like “ hollowed.” 

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to feel

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that death is actually possible, as things are forms and functions, expressions and movements, and though yes, this physical form that  is me, changes, what is real as life, remains, as that is potential of and as creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself onto thinking only.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to participate within and as what is a false power vortex, as a state of separation from the living reality into and as a limited set body of symbols/ideologies/resonant constructs/imaginations/fantasies/addictions/beliefs etc.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to feel here, to remember here, to respect all things as the physical reality, as this earth, and all that composes this physical living reality called earth

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the depth to which resources of the earth are mis-used to feed an ideological resonant storm of selective reasoning, serving a few, without regard for life, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand the extent to which the present system and the technology manifesting that system are a reflection of what humans have accepted and allowed within and as them, here, where the present economic system abuses freely given resources to feed a very limited storied construction lacking recognition of consequences and as such allows an outflow of great instability, causing the friction of polarization manifest as a projection separate from practical living physical reality, here that is lacking in substance and of which consumes the flesh.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up with specificity about how a Mind Consciousness System is a mind in division of and as resonant constructions layered into the conscious, subconscious, unconscious, quantum mind, quantum physical mind and the physical mind and the beingness programming, which makes sense because what we allow to express us would layer, as we suppress that which is out of sync with this living physical reality, causing blindness as suppression of real sentience, of real seeing here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to stop suppressing real seeing, within and as recognizing my own behaviors of and as a scattered selective reasoning of limited values, that create energy instead of real livings s being focused and in respect of all things here. 

When and as I find myself becoming tense, becoming tension, of which I slow down and cross reference, with every breath, to read what is here, as the words, to stabilize the words, and model recognition of life, within and as behaviors of grounding myself here, manifest as defining the space, and realizing what balances and lends a self direction of discovery of what has been suppressed through scattered selective reasoning that is heaviness causing and polarizing gaslighting the space here, all an illusion and what may be directed into recognition to then discover a natural ability to be present and to lead to birthing life into the physical, here.

When and as I find myself becoming tense, within and a s my body and my breathing I stop and I slow down, and I assess my own patterns of selective reasoning as value judgements causing a selective reasoning and focus, and I stop as I embrace my own acceptances and allowances and practice redirecting my focus as I call out by name my own characters, and then to assess what is around me, to bring forward actions that balance out inflammatory behavior running on empty, to ground and stabilize in a moment to then calm the immediate space to them realize potential which often is small, as our potential lacks specificity and structure to express itself and be of giving in an expression of and absolute purpose, to stand one and equal to creation here, to build a life on earth that lives the nature of life of and as absolute purpose which by nature, as I see it in this moment, of and as eternal nurturing where a moment of falling down is fun because it means one is closer to understanding how to move as life here. 

When and as I find myself moving into a persona, one that is deep, from that past, of and as “ I am so tired of standing up and falling down,” I stop and I breath, and I realize this belief as a persona, and I stop and I feel my feet on the ground and I look at how I am handling myself here, and how I am focusing my body, from habit, and I breath and I assess and move towards balance, within and as what lends self discovery and that which opens dwors/as movements as words, that bring awareness of all things here as best I can as though all things are me in another life. 

Day 847 Letting go and letting be.

As happens at times, I will read an explanation of something that I have read before but my interpretation will be different. I will suddenly see another dimension of something. It is a process of acceleration in that one is processing what is here, be it a physical thing, or a piece of information. One recognizes the patterns or, requires less to process the overall form. In that moment something comes forward around the form. It is a process of being able to hold something and look at it from different angles while at the same time relating that to the greater whole. 

I can see where distractions in so many forms in today’s world can slow this process way down, that in itself consuming attention to the extent one is caught in maintenance and dealing with the outer world. It is actually a form of psychological war-fare. Demonizing one thing at the expense of others, is what we do when we ignore the physical, this earth. The illusion of some far off god is really a crime against life, especially when the principle in all religions is to give as one would receive,  which means to respect all things, to look at, or connect with, or recognize all things, which requires being present and here. Here is a physical reality. That reality requires the fabric of it to support it. The whole idea that we humans must pay to exist is probably one of the biggest slight-of-hands ever created!  Do trees pay to exist? Do deer pay to exist?  Are we paying to exist because we are participating in raping the resources without consideration of the environment? Are we actually paying for the abuse we are participating within? Like we are paying to rape this earth because we know we are raping this earth and as such our payment is basically a punishment for the rape we allow within and as every product we purchase without thought and recognition of where that product exists from in all the necessary steps of its creation? 

The extent to which we/I have created some ideology, resonant within, that there is some higher state of being, on/in/of some distant “ space” where a higher “ self “ will eventually come to be is an illusion, a distraction, a lie. 

I read a comment where someone was holding such a concept within them and speaking it out with such certainty is was astounding.  It is stagnant in a way, because it is a belief which has a bit of truth to it, that this person has a “ higher” self that is somewhere out there, and will eventually be the place this person will go to, meaning that higher self being  a state that can only exist somewhere else. I can just see the focus of the body and the attention in the eyes not being present, a huge resonant bubble of belief, in the form of a vortex and/or film around the body of this person writing. I suppose we cannot unsee what we have seen. To some extent, I remember my father having a dinner party with “ ghost busters” years and years ago, where it was said in a moment that heaven could not be trusted. A few years later, I experienced a moment where I realized everything I knew was a lie. Existence took up a lot of my time, and yet, in moments, I would purchase books looking for descriptions of my experiences. In once instance it took about ten years but I finally found it. That book became a treasure to me because I kept this part of myself to myself. When I began to speak up about it, I would shake so bad it was incredible to me. It brought forward other questions. Too bad this was not realized when I was young, yet I am thankful for some recognition at the moment. It is, overall, less painful to speak up than to remain in hiding. 

There must be very deep roots within me, as resonant constructions, of a fear of speaking against that imagined “ god.” There is also the realization that a steadiness can be created, or allowed to let be, as standing and speaking up in focus of reality here, and at the same time in recognition of the fractionalized separation into limited and stagnant processing of information - this which has a quality, or temper, or feel to it. The words must be aligned to the living flesh as this living resource called earth. This earth is the real magic in action. The over-use of the imagination into a layered picture show creates a vortex of separation from being focused here in this practical living reality. When I get to this point there remains a part of me that wants to weep in sheer shame of my own rejection of life. These cycles or time loops of belief within me. 

When my husband died, when I found him, a part of my inner statement to myself as what I was being was that something so magnificent could be lost. How could I have such a thought unless I realized it within myself? The next thought being that I could never tell a lie again and that the process of walking that would be very long and very hard! Had the pieces of space that had come through the cracks of my own resonant storm accumulated to the extent I had then accelerated the process simply in making the choice to do so? And how could one cause the same in others? Because ultimately the patterns are the same, and self realization is what each and everyone desires.

I am writing this out to realize more of what it means to stand as a living word. A relationship to what is here in the practical, as in realizing that I am life and that this life is physical - with some recognition at the same time that our systems at present, consume our attention through so many invisible ideologies. A virus is invisible, and in many accounts has never been seen. Our “ gods” are invisible. Our natural world is filled with some invisible evil - this a distraction from a realization that we are the physical, which cannot really be owned but by some idea. Our latest war was based on an idea of terrorism. Where to hide the truth but in plain sight, through projecting the blame onto some unnamed, anonymous entity? That gives a lot of grey area to play in. So many things are general instead of specific. Even our school systems base their program selections on studies done in isolation using practices established from other studies done long ago and that are unable to be duplicated. How many parents actually investigate this when looking at what their schools are doing in detail?  If one goes to a school committee meeting there is basically no one there - myself having been a parent who did not attend such meetings. The meetings themselves formulated in a way where a speaker has a limited amount of time to make a case. This a necessity because so many of us are emotional and our processing speeds are stagnant so it takes an effort to speak up. Emotional speaking is a lot like being in a soup. It is no wonder children begin to play with that soup and manipulate to no longer trigger a reaction from that resonant storm. I mean, compare this to the realization that children are not born racist or sexist or classicist ! Would such beliefs within slow down a natural ability of pattern recognition? 

As well, this contrast within being able to organize things, meaning to get all the necessary things in order to complete a task. We have all done such things, as cooking or gardening is such a process. 

When things become complicated most likely there are some unprocessed beliefs getting in the way of walking a process to accomplish a goal. What is necessary in such a situation is to purify and realign one’s words, to remove the polarized beliefs of value that exist in a form or protection and defense for manipulating that resonant state of ideologies separate from reality. They are there determining one’s movement and distracting one from realizing what is of stability and constancy,  what requires no remembering, what is an ease of knowing. 

If our words are clear, our intentions are more clear and as such, more able to be heard. This would take time and repetition, not so much to memorize the information, more to experience something that as I see it at the moment, to experience something that cannot be unseen. Something that enables one to recognize one’s attention to limited relationships, evident in the limited and stagnant moving utterances from a human locked in being way up their in an over-used imagination causing separation and fragmentation in their presence. 

What I ask myself is why I have had realization that nothing can define me but what I allow, mostly realized in moments with others where I suddenly realized what they were saying did not define who and what I am, and, even feeling incensed that such an attempt would be made, which is another form of distraction in itself! A deep anger at this, something I think I absorbed from my father - his degree of caring on another level being evident in certain moments of insight - funny how there is a correlation between the extent to which someone is reactive and the opposite potential of being incredibly insightful in other moments. 

There is space here, and that space allows one to process things. Within that space there is more space to realize an awareness of more than limited thinking as one’s shield of protection and defense in a moment. I supposed there is an underlying horror of becoming a spaced out, slow moving thing as a personality. Why this is coming up in this moment with such words, may be from some distant memory. Within my own anxieties is a sense of being strung out into some stagnant thing that has me feeling like I will be buried in a coffin, one of that same anonymous invisible design. And this before any value judgements where developed according to the environment in which I was born. 

I can see where understanding this would lead to greater patience, and allow more fun to be utilized in relation to standing more as a beacon of stability, of constancy and calm. I can see where this understanding would lessen a fear of facing limitation and realizing that an insistence and intensity in a focus of a person would be more realized as something that cannot define myself here, and at the same time realizing that buried in that is a potential that is projected outside of the self ( to keep it safe?) and to realize how to walk that back into recognition and self acceptance. This, done with a steady kindness, because it is understood into a form of knowing without an attachment of a fear of loss of such ability.  I look at kindness because in some ways, what i know as aggressive behavior is somehow not where I want to go. I liken it to playing a video game where one must become silent and watch the patterns before moving the figure through the revolving door in the video game.  It is like playing music, one listens, gets the tempo and joins - and not in a rushed or aggressive way. One just slides right in! 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being caught in a resonant construction of limited and spaced out and stagnant information.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being caught in a box, a resonant storm of energy, of and as an elevation of “thought.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separation myself from myself in relation to avoiding being stuck in a resonant box, making such a thing a huge thing, and as such running from such a thing, instead of standing in equality and oneness with and as my perception to see realize and understand that which would ground the moment in ways that diminish or dis-spell such a state of being.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear such a thing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to hide from such.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed in relation to addressing or being exposed to such a thing, making it larger than life, instead of standing in recognition of such a thing to dis-spell the spell that is a projection from within the physical body of the person.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be paranoid of the paranormal. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to run from such a resonant entity, and to then pretend I did not understand such a thing, when there within this I already knew that I had allowed this, and could therefore blame no one but myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remember the desire I had that motivated such a movement to create such an inner resonant body that I pretended was following me yet knew was already within and from me, as the focus in the memory  was more of an idea of a holy ghost in the machine as a thing - to run from. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be occupied by these ideas, and within that to not see realize and understand that means of my own distraction, as I hide in fear of my own construction, as realizing what the motivating desire was within that initial movement.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand the extent with this, in and as a fear of confrontation, when in effect, I have actually seen this to the extent in a moment I realized that nothing could define myself here but what I allowed where in that moment, I realized that everything, everything I had been lead to believe was a lie, and within that to not see realize and understand what that meant in reality, in relation to the present system.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand and recognize that sense of what I call being “ loopy” which is telling in itself because that is in essence what i am doing, within and as looping around in a belief, instead of grounding myself here and speaking up in recognition that we are physical, that what is here is us, that nature is us, that it is creation, where this is realized because if this were NOT reality, why are the powers that be attempting to own this earth?

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I as life can be hurt, within and as the realization that only that which is life within us remains, which cannot be owned but by acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand, as my beingness, as myself that I am life here, and as such am able to cross reference all things and stand in recognition of all things, considering the consequences of every action within me, to bring what is constant and stable and eternal here where this focus of and as me speaks in ways that open acceptance and recognition of the physical reality as this is life here.

I commit myself to breath, to play, to slow down, to read here, to let go of resistances and process movements here, recognizing my own words and the word constructions of others, as we can only speak our experience.

I commit myself to letting go and letting be for a moment, and listening to what can with stand the test of time, here within and as a practical cross reference and investigation of all things building relationships equal and one in recognition of the physical as life in expression here.