Day 516 Facing Cruelty and Conjecture

When I talk with others and explain things about spatial awareness, it is like there is nothing there. And then I go into fear. And then statements come at me, stated as though this is the way it is. And compassion is wanted. I take this personally, as though I am supposed to wait. I even had a group of education professors tell me that it was too difficult to teach spatial awareness/depth perception.

I go into believing that i have not explained myself well - which maybe I have not - but I notice i get loopy at this point, like there is a mirage in front on me, and then, i get all confused, and go into thinking I can’t get through and I am trapped.

I freeze, I hold myself tightly, closed, like a silence, a dumbing silence. And then the corners of my mouth sink.

I did this today while talking with another person.

I have a memory come up from high school. I have written about this before. I was in a foreign apartment waiting for someone. Suddenly, a face of a man appeared up in the corner of the room. In a split second he went from being a gentle man to what many would call a demon presence - it was like he suddenly got really really angry and started projecting red horned monsterness. But, it was too late for me I had seen what came before and had realized it was all conjecture. Then the white light behind this paranormal event appeared in the distance, like an inverted distance, depth.

I asked if there were things happening in that apartment. and evidently things moved around went the occupants were not at home. 

I left knowing, with no uncertainty, that what was there could not touch me in any way. Too bad I did not speak. My conditioning on some level was already set.

So, lately I have had thoughts when I see the face of a person that there is a harshness in the visage. a manner of cruelty, a rushing intense manner. I see this and this earlier memory keeps coming up.  I also have these images coming from behind, of old people. It is like something enveloping me.Somehow it is all linked to the cruelty within the consequences of the present system that does not respect physical life on earth.

I continue to react to the cruelty I read about what exists all over the planet.  It is heart wrenching for me. And I can feel my heart going into a knot, like there are two forces pressing against one another.

I cannot learn to address limitation if I go into confusion, and yet I get these images of projected cruelty and this reaction to actual cruelty - and seeing a harshness in the visage of people, perhaps because this is my present emotional stew and pictorial exaggeration as mind. Perhaps the situation is to accept this and reorder so I can begin to address confusion when conflict within me leads to confusion. I may be addressing the limitation but I am doing so in protection and self defense. Like the script is there, but it is used to hide - because I am reacting to the cruelty of the projections of rigid beliefs that are themselves the same as me projecting a script that is more ordered, but still a projection.

And, in my busyness to project properly - I lose focus and miss the cruel projection of limitation and as such cannot address it and then feel I failed and have not faced the storm - the paranormal as a limited mind consciousness system.

Also mixed into this self blame is anger. a subtle twist of the victim feeling they are not listened to, self righteous.

But it was me not listening and reacting in fear of the violent aggression - as how I viewed the statement that was a response to my words, that was really an inner reaction of the other trying to make sense based on their own knowledge and information within which they were trying to make sense, but their sense was on a construct of knowledge and information association, without any practical application to physical reality.

So great is the disconnect from physical space and time, that association to knowledge and information as mind only reacts because looking here, at physical manifestation means one has to change and give up the projection clung to. A projection has no real substance, it is fueled by ideological beliefs, opinions and ideas. This is idol worship following, self validating. It really is no different than what that man did in the apartment. It is all, in total, a separation from the eye of the needle, which is physical reality.

Another aspect of dreams and this “ other world” is the background. It is dark, black, it is like a velvet thing, and all this projection is on top of this. I have noticed that this is behind it all, this darkness that has no anger, has no cruelty, it is always there, it has a depth somehow. The darkness is the “ light” and the “ light” is the conjecture and the conjecture is cruel as it now stands because of what we humans have accepted and allowed as our present.

I remember working with a younger person when I returned to school. This person could not hold form within her, she could only write papers by cutting and pasting sentences. Needless to say I was astounded. When asked to actually discuss something, she claimed a learning disability and wanted everything ordered within this “ care.” Though we have a society that is allowing this, it is cruel to allow this, and because this has been allowed it will take time to sort this out, because the tool of the mind is to build an image to build understanding and has to be realized as an image only: the image is not what is real, what is real is practical reality. Which is why the man that projected demonic pictures ( which is all they were) was hanging on the physical world, he could not exist without it. The joke is on you!

Day 20 Compassion as my justification to abdicate self responsibility

I wake up and I feel this heaviness, I had spent time with my father the day before yesterday, and I had not confronted him on saying he way angry and then denying he was angry. I  stopped and did not pursue this, as I did not want to create anger in him, to create friction in a hospital.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see how I am my father the photographic memory bank in and as my mind where I take a picture and eat this picture read this picture and within this picture allow my self to believe that I am not equal to this picture and thus to allow this picture to consume me as what i am here, to become so involved in the picture and the story of separation that I remove my self from my self here and wallow in the story enjoying the puzzle of the story and naming the parts of the story as what the education system today has us learn, the parts of the story and not solution within the outcome of the story. No wonder so many children cannot fathom reading the stories presented in schools, as they have no interest in wallowing in the stories presented and naming the parts, which in essence is tedious, laborious and of no solution, as it is only a presentation of limited values, values within a vacuum of a polarity came of  opposites, a pendulum swing from less intense to more intense e-motion, from separation into acceptance of loss/separation/powerlessness into wanting to make this separation acceptable and thus a positive experience, to prove that this separation is real  and justified, thus is a positive experience a justification of separation and nothing else, and thus we exist in a system of judgement excusing our separations, our conscious minds as thoughts, the opposite of what is real, the reflection of the totality of our separations as the justification of our separations from this physical world as life.

If I believe that I am less than another, and I accept this inferiority and become neutral within this, then I seek a way to make this a positive experience so I place this limiting of my self as my self as my persona into this world and I see this in others and thus do I have compassion for this in others, and thus do I turn this into compassion as I listen and accept the fear in others, the separation from life in others, where I twist and contort separation into a “good” action being of my self into “understanding” within a singular relationship of sympathy in basking in inferiority and powerlessness through a “positive” compassionate persona, where all I am doing is taking my own separation in and as a belief of inferiority and understanding this in others, where this whole starting point is a wallowing in emotion and not the movement of my self as life in solution here, where the answer is always right here in front of me in every moment, the direction of my self as life in oneness and equality as what is best for self is best for all. Thus must I stop limiting my self to Only seeing the relationship of separation and realize my self here as being one and equal to all that is here. This is placating fear and placating separation, and ignoring this physical world.

This causes the continuance of suffering, to suffer emotion instead of life, the stuff of error, the stuffing of e(nergy) roar into and as the expression of life in separation into and as energy away from the directing of self as life as sound as being the sound as what life is in equality as one as all as equal here with this physical world as this physical world is what is real and the mind is a mirror of accepted and allowed reflections as separations from self as life as this physical world.. Where at death the weight of an assembled photo album of justifications consumes the human physical body leading to a fantastic death of this fantastic fantasy self, this rotted experience creation of no consideration of this physical world and self as an expression of life, able to be life, as self is life.

All there is is here, breath, earth, this heart of my self here, wanting to be one and equal to life, not realizing that in order for me to be here, I must be life or I would not be here, where the mind is my self believing I am not capable of being life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I do not deserve life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to abdicate the power of my self as life into and as a belief that I do not deserve life,

I forgive my self for not seeing and realizing that what has been taught to me is to label the parts of the story of separation and to sympathize with this separation into and as becoming compassion to turn my separation into a positive experience.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to take my separation and to pity my self and then to share this pity with others as compassion, getting a feel good/god “ness” to justify my own separation, like a sexual release of the energy I have accepted that is judgement that is separation that is what is believed to be what is real within this system that propagates mankind  into and as generators of energy to feed off of the separation by offering for sale the means of energy release in and as sex, in and as pride in having amassed objects to signify having correctly labeled and read the story of separation that is what exists and is promoted on this earth.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am doing , here that of which I speak and turning this into an object, which is to stand back and realize what I have accepted and allowed and thus, to forgive this movement of my self, to turn the tide of my self as energy back to my self to clean up this mess and direct my self in and as the principle of oneness in equality as what is best for all is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am separate from life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feed the system of economy as what exists on this earth  that supports the separation of myself from self as life to generate profits so that a few can live a life of separation in physical comfort, they themselves not being life, whereas other life a life in physical discomfort, one a quickening physical discomfort and the other a slow accumulation into and as discomfort, manifest as cancer and other diseases.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to realize that all I can to, in the instance of my father, is to suggest he do research and find a way to not accept the drugs he fears accepting because he senses something is not right but fears walking away from the system.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to want to take on the mess of the other and clean this up, and “straighten” this out in one go, not realizing that I cannot do this for another, as each and every person on this earth must stand up and self realize their separations into and as mind, as someone else doing this for them, as mind, is not life realizing itself as life, yet within this, it is the responsibility of those who are financially able to realize that this present system cultivates separation into and as personalities of energetic ideas, opinions and beliefs, as pictures in and as the mind, and abuses the resource of this earth to support this, where many have not the means to self realize because every moment is spent in survival for the basic needs of life, where in changing this system into a system that supports life, this that we have accepted and allowed will become visible, for the poor, for the rich, as this is what is best for all, is that which is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become frustrated which is self frustration, which is self rushing, which is self becoming a whine and complaint, which is self allowing this system of separation to bully self, all unproductive reactions existing as an end game and not walking through, with self one and equal to breath as self, this centering movement as gift as self as breath, and to make this separation small and to take the power of my self as life, as this is what i am and nothing can suggest to me that I am unworthy as life as I am life, and within this be life, as life is the solution, right here as self as earth, as my feet on this ground one and equal in commons sense with this physical world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become confused with the mind, not seeing instantly, where I have separated from my elf as life as breath and allowed the storm of energy to be all that is here as self, where I see the storm ONLY , here I must breath and take in this storm that cannot touch me, as affect me, as be me, unless I accept and allow this, where I read this storm and correct this with the power of my self as breath as life, that which I am, or I would not here here, as I am this, I am life I am breath, I am here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that this self as me that wants to cry and to weep for what I have accepted and allowed, in shame, in  this joy that I realize that I am here that I am life, that I have both not lived and that I am life here, that I am able to live, that this is my self realizing my ability to be here, to exist in oneness and equality with and as this earth, that this is joy, yet as the mind does, this is not the end game, now must this mess of separation be stopped as I am not this as this does not exist until all that is of this physical world must be supported as life, must itself become itself as life, as every part of this earth is an organism of the expression of life on this earth, and this earth cannot be life until this organism is complete in expression of itself as life here.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing the falling of rotten fruit off of the pyramid of inequality to be what is the experience of life on earth, where in fact what is here is a world of rotting disintegrating physical world.

I commit my self to  facing the storm of separation, the negative, the neutral, the positive, the separations, the acceptances and the justifications that are what is the expression of energy to feed a system that profits from this division to maintain the con for a quest of money and a life of slow physically comfortable disintegration into and as death of an existence as mind as an imaged nation.

I commit my self to always bring what is in my mind back to self to clean up the storm of my own accepted and allowed separations.

I commit my self  to not fearing my own separations and realizing them and forgiving them, bringing them back to self and correcting them into solutions that are what is best for all in realizing them as one and equal to me as an expression as me one and equal to life here where I am affection with all that is here, close with all that is here, one and equal to all that is here as an organism of life until the breath of life moves through this physical world with ease, as all as one as equal here.

I commit my self to realizing my self as breath as life, one and equal to this physical world  to be the solution that is right here in front of me as me, as this is the correction from separation into and as oneness in equality as life here.

I commit my self to realizing the separations are the blue print of self correction that thus the solution is here and cannot be taken away or lost only ignored.

I commit my self  to watching out for a tendency to become righteous which is frustration and a red flag as ego, where confusion will cloud correction and thus solution.

I commit my self to facing this storm of separation as anything else is sticking my head in the sand and this is just that “the sticking of my head in the sand” in and as ignorance, and in common sense this is a place where that head will simply rot and have a very hard time breathing.

I am here

I am life

I am breath

I am earth

I am as heart an instrument of life here.

What is Money in the World

Who is the MInd

Stopping the Mind