Day 271 Fear of speaking Imagination dimension

My imagination brought up a memory of listening to my parents arguing, where I had said they were saying the same thing. Which did nothing to change the arguing. I dont’t remember what they were arguing about, I remember that they did not listen to what I said , turned this into a big “boohoo” moment of self pity with the words “not listening to me.” Does this personification of this past event do anything what-so-ever to be a solution for that past event or what I am here? What I hold from this memory has no substance, no directive capacity, especially since I cannot remember the details of the conflict. What I remember is trying to stop the arguing. So my focus was not on the issue, it was of my own self interest. Thus this is a memory of a bevy of self interest, based on ideas. I mean even if my parents were saying the same thing with different words, this has to be moved through, clarified, the immediate problem within the situation - as what was probably being argued for that became buried under personal-ity emotional/feeling needs/fears of ego/self definition piled on top of what was the real problem - and it was probably about money/survival.
Conflict is polarities within a conflict, polarities seeking ascension. Opposition wanting to win. Something, some thing wanted. Apart from what is needed for the human and the inhabitants of this earth to be, including the plants and the animals and the soils, all this being what is here being the very support of what is here, of which the human can no longer see, as they are no longer aware of what is here, as the very media we have accepted and allowed distorts reality into making aspects of reality HUGE, ignoring practical living. The outcome is that no one is in fact practicing real physical living. Where what is magnified in our media warps reality and practical awareness of learning to interact, understand, communicate with, what is here, what is physically really here, is lost.
So, the warped reality presented by the media, is us, is what we have accepted and allowed. I mean, in all common sense, do animals fuck all day? According to so much of what is on the internet, in movies, is about fucking, about getting sex, some are a dialogue of values within getting sex, making it all right, but the end goal is getting sex. It is so warped that now sex is about getting a penis in every orifice possible. Is there really any sensation on many levels going on here? Obviously not. This warped desire is out of practical physical reality living, and the machine , as the human physical body, is separate from itself as life, and can only “read” limited sensations that are unsatisfying. It is like taking a perfect sensory machine and forcing it into a limited range of sensation, where that limited expression cannot possible release the very force moving the machine. Thus the machine goes hay-wire, as it cannot express itself fully, and end up burning itself up as it “unfulfilled” substance compounds and settles within, the settling building a personification using the same warped limited means of expression, which is brilliant in a way, as the very limitation is showing the plug, the limitation accepted, the separation from being aware of what is actually physically here, real, tangible. Thus this that is the “warp” must be forgiven, tempered back into awareness of the physical reality, where the “warp” will be lost, and what is real will be gained, the real being everything, awareness of everything. A human in full potential, being aware of here, practical, working with the gift of life, the physical world.
The mind, the image maker and the physical body holding this, has been clinging to limited values, and I said limited values, meaning the values are not “good or bad” - wanting a person to share your life with is not good or bad - a desire to interact with others is a part of this world, interaction with this physical world and all its forms is like playing in an orchestra. But we are not doing this, we have warped reality, and much of the world, the physical world, which is all of us, equally, is suffering because of it. And this is a crimeagainst life.
Thus, what is here on this earth, must be used practically, balanced, in common sense of what is needed to support life. The memories I have, are of me warping reality in self interest, in self pity, they are how I have separated myself into limited view points, unaware of what is real, physically practically real. And I am so used to the tension, the neurosis of this, that I no longer know silence and beingness, physical-absolute “peace”, direct communication with here in common sense.
It is time to stop the mind, the accumulated memories if taking things personally, self pity, me-mores, me lesses - the fears of loss, as this is self fearing not having , and what is it that self fears losing? That which is warped, as belief, opinion and idea, that is a distortion of reality, a separation from actual physical life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an image of myself sitting at the kitchen table in my childhood family house, where I take a picture in and as my mind, the image maker, and place a set of limited values onto this picture, energies of more than and less than, beliefs, opinions and ideas unequal to what is common sense of how the actual physical world practically exists functionally, and within this created a separation as a personality being a character of a judgement of a fear of losing something, as in not being noted as being more than, where, as in this memory, I became self pity in “not being listened to” that is in itself a limitation as this memory remembers myself without reference to what is practically physically real, as how what is here functions in form, this form the very support of life, the gift of life to breath, communicate, interact as being creative as an expression of life, that which is what we all are, here to simply be, breath, interact, communicate, express, transform, to sense the being of ourselves as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have limited myself within in not accepting this physical world in common sense,this gift that allows myself to become equal and one, in and as life here, where I equalize with the physical in common sense of what is supportive with and as the physical world, to express myself absolutely, as the organism as a whole, as earth, is the means to understand that life is the value, and not some secondary idea, as a secondary idea is a separation from the value as life as simply being here, as here is the only place I can exist, thus the physical is the gift of life, to be here, as this is really all that can be real.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow memories, as images to be what is real, and within this to not realize that the cause of my separation from life, the cause of arguing, and self judgement, or any judgement, in and as what the mind voices, is myself, as i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is real, the substance of life, being equal and one in all physical manifestations on earth, this no one thing on this planet can be more or less than myself, and all that can exist in practice on earth is absolute respect and thus, care and support, for hat is physically here, absolutely, which needs to be implemented into a system that practices this absolute equality, to stop the warping of life, manifest as behaviors of conflict and friction, war and crime, starvation and animals abuse, soil erosion and water pollution, as the consequences of separation from how the actual real physical world functions, this anything that does not support this actual physical world is unacceptable, no matter how many bullying voicesor layers of bureaucracy have been created, as all of this must stop and a system that realizes the value is life, and must be supported as such, thus it is time, to implement a system of equality, equal support for all life on earth, where the capital of this earth is an expression of life, and must be utilized to support the expression of life, as this is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become personifications of a belief in a “rightness”, where the moment i become this, I am in separation from what is here, as all I can do is focus myself here within and as what is practically physically here, and slow myself down and breath, to see, here, and then to express what is here in practical form, which will take patience and the development of common understanding of here, of which the physical world reveals, all that is needed is to be here, and thus within this, to allow any emotions and feelings as memories, that come into play as mind to be seen and forgiven as in correcting/aligning/equalizing through slowing down and breathing to forgive these as separations from what is here, as these emotions and feelings are self interested, self inter-rested in energy, as myself in separation from what is real as the value being life, where there is only here, in practical common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in separating myself from here, as this is what is taught as an accepted action of separation for generations as men on this earth of at-most-sphere/fear, I have, even when having a sense that something makes no sense, not followed through until that sense that something makes no sense, is answered, as I have allowed myself to desire to be right, just as my parents and those that came before me, as i have not been here, reading here, being one an equal to what is physically real, as what I am, as how I am here, accepting this physical world as life, as all life is life, and thus there can be no heaven andhell in separation, which would mean that this is a construction of separation, as all life would move as one, as the value being life absolutely, which can only happen here, in being here, at the very point of expression, as it is only here, that one can see and be, as the past is the past and not what is here.

I commit myself to slowing myself down, to bringing myself here, to what is real, to what is practical common sense living, as being life, here.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to being physically present in common sense of what is here, as here is really all that the physical can exist as, communicate as.
I commit myself to, when and as i see pictures of myself, in and as my mind, in and as memory, to stop and to breath and to realize what emotions, thoughts and feelings I have accepted and allowed as the personification of myself here, that being what I allow as characters and thus imagine, as an alternate reality from here, to - once again- stop, and breath, and not fear this, but to stand equal and one in and as it, to recognize my own accepted and allowed separations as judgements of more than and less than, based on warped and distorted values taught as the present structure of resource/monetary profit, as idea, on paper, joined with “ what is for the common good” is incomplete, as profit has not been clearly defined, thus must this clarity be brought into the words used, the practices followed to equalize the statement of, for the common good, to be an understanding that the profit is being life, that the value is life, here.
I commit myself to breathing, to seeing realizing and understanding, when and as i find myself becoming emotional, or feeling excitement, or having thoughts of judgement, to stop and to breath, and to slow myself down to look at what is here as the actual physical world, and to realize that what is on paper is limited and spread out through layers of bureaucracy, which as a structure can be used to organize and distribute resources equally, in and as common sensically stabilizing the capital of this earth to support all life.
I commit myself to seeing , realizing and understanding that when I am wanting to be validated, wanting to be “right” as in wanting acknowledgement, as being a memory, I am in fact in separation from here, I am rushing in desire, as desire is a distortion of reality into a more than, where this can be sensed as there is sense of falling as in being vertiginous, meaning “whirling around” as in not being stable, equal and one here.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that the use of any such statements as “ that is impossible,” or “I do not understand,” or “ that is utopia,” and or, any and all behaviors of aggressive bullying within or without, the exhibition of irritation, as an action in words with an emotional charge, that suggest what is being said or done is stupid, ignorant and or lacking in some way --without a corrective follow through directive, done with absolute desire for what is best for another, as what is best for all --are acts of ego and self interest, self inner-rest, in limited values separate from what is real, as this physical world, in common sense of what is best for all, thus what we/I have accepted as separation from common sense of what is real, here, the physical, is displayed in all behavior, in all words, in every moment, and thus, can nothing be hidden, as all is known, and the physical works in such brilliant ways, as a machine that expresses what is accepted and allowed as life, that all separation, all self interest, all existence of what one has accepted and allowed can be clearly seen, thus there is no hiding, and the belief in secrets is an illusion, thus, the idea that something must be kept secret, is actually an act in fear, and thus an act of self interest, an act of ignoring this actual physical world. It is as simple as that. You can run but you cannot hide.

Day 262 Fear of speaking : Thought Dimension

Fear of speaking thought dimension
If I am creating a idol, meaning having an idea outside of myself that I believe will define what it is that I am here, I separate myself into a part and become the “ not having of that part” that I then as mind create an image of, a compound of, as I take a picture to signify what part I believe I need to express my self, something I believe I need to simply be. This is the creation of myself being inferior, lacking in some ability, capacity. I am in essence separating from the source of creation directly, constricting within myself to project outside of myself what I believe I need to be. I am taking the value of life and dividing it and separating it into parts, spreading the substance of myself all over the place into one big picture show. A personality of energy.
And all the time I am here. I can only be here.
I feel like a child, I am that child so frustrated, so confused, to uncertain, not understanding, or maybe at one point understanding and nothing is working, I cannot speak to all the parts, I cannot pull them all together. What child could do this in a world of adults all so separate from themselves in chasing ideas, beliefs and opinions? So to protect myself from the walking movie makers in my childhood world, I find a cloak, I project a persona to survive. Same thing , different angle. What started out as survival became a like practice that in itself was still consuming flesh, as it used the substance of my human physical body to exist as a shield or as a means of communication/interaction in a world of walking projections. Non-directive zombies in separation from self direction as life. In separation from primary source, using secondary sources, and then accumulating secondary sources for expression.
Then all this projected part as a thing believed to be needed becomes “isms” , knowledge and information, divided, and refracted endlessly creating a soup of chains of the same endlessly recycled, and all of it was ill use of resource to begin with, as it was not here, self directed, equal and one as life. It is like the substance is here and cannot be lost, thus does not need to be grabbed onto and filed away for future reference, as it is here in all ways, always. It is primary and the nature of it moves as what is best for all, unless divided. Thus, we are the creators of our own demise, our own dispersement into billions of pixels blown out of proportion and projected at vast distances in separation from ourselves, taking so much effort to maintain, the flesh turns to a colorless ashy empty sack of no substance, as we gave it all away to ideas , beliefs and opinions of more than and less than a double of energy, limited. We refracted ourselves into oblivion. Definitely a fucked up scenario.
And what is here on earth is a reflection of this misuse of self as life, and other life suffers in each of us being negligent of ourselves as life. We are not allowing life to express itself, with every thought, word and deed that is based on idea and not the principle of what is best for all, the very manifestation of life as the physical, here, the gift to allow us to find ourselves as life.
How do you tell someone their chasing a carrot on a string? Which is myself being the same, chasing a carrot on a string. lol
I feel like the children I work with in reading, having to bring them here. I am here constantly breathing, bringing myself back here. All I have learned is to follow beliefs, opinions and ideas, and not directed myself here, as life. Always wanting something outside of myself to take the responsibility for myself as life. A CONsumerist society ready and willing to use this in self interest - a mere reflection of what each of us allows in self abdication as life. This is really rejecting the gift of life. Insanity. And all the disease in the west is the consequence. Wake up - there is no way out but to become yourself as life, here.
Most of this is characters as what I am supposed to be within a cultural tradition. So, busy with these ideas that being here in common sense is forgotten. I am projecting outward what I believe will fulfill me, and what is fulfilling is being here, focusing here, directing myself here in common sense, realizing what is the structure of the present system, created in the image of mankind in separation of itself as life. What is really an archaic ignorance of what science has discovered about this planet that indicates that nature operates symbiotically and that disruption of this has massive consequences. This in itself indicating that humans have created a consumerist, profit based hierarchy on earth that ignores how the physical world functions, in self interest before common sense of what is physically right in front of us. Nature does not exist within a superficial and limited monoculture. And yet, man is trying to stamp this on earth, force this.
So, not being able to speak is thinking that some form of knowledge and information is needed, an imitation of what is acceptable, when it is simply being here, seeing what is here (ear-hear) for what it is. At present it is a system of war, of creating conflict for profit, using fear to create friction and uncertainty, all the present systems that we have allowed; religions teach us to follow some higher guidance - a separation, governments tell us they are caring for us while the governors own more, health systems that will lose need if ease is before disease, without usury/slavery there cannot be more debt than money. Thus this system cannot work. If one has more than another, that will build a hierarchy of more than and less than which naturally breeds in self interest before life. This will not work, The moment a relative value is used to support, as an idea, a belief , or an opinion, there is division, thus only absolute value can be used when making decisions, and the absolute value here on earth is life. This is what is here, this is what is same. One entity being a more than value is a belief, an opinion , or an idea. Such judgement is separation from this substance. Period.

Fearing to speak is fearing to look, is not pulling all this together, to see these separations and then standing here. Obviously, unacceptable. The illusion must be given up. Humpty-Dumpty must be brought back together again. A refracted life is a life being lost in a hall of mirrors. This is not life. Thus a so called “heaven” must be more of the same, because the hall of mirrors must be realized. There is no escape, like the only way out is to remove the mirrors, as they are just smoke screens anyway. An avoidance tactic using the positive, which is just more of the negative that caused the consequence of separation, the consequence of rejecting self as life, which is rejecting life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that if I speak up in common sense I will be rejected, which is actually myself showing myself what I amaccepting and allowing , which is myself rejecting myself as life. lol
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that what is considered a ‘positive thought/statement/reply” is in fact what has been taught by a system that is the epitome of an abdication of life, as the reflection of what humanity has allowed individually, which is self abdication of life, thus the only way back is for each to stand and become self responsible as life, and to stand in organizing this world into a system that supports life, all life, absolutely, which means supporting a system of equality, to remove all hierarchies of division, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I cannot speak, I am within and as my own house of mirrors in separation from common sense here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I am existing as belief that i cannot speak I have abdicated myself as life, have allowed myself to exist within and as my mind.
When and as I begin to believe that I cannot speak, I stop and I breath, until I am stable here in and as breath, I realize that I am attempting to use the mind only in search of a response as what has been taught within this present system where there is not taught any understanding as to how the mind in fact works.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, breathing, speaking self forgiveness, and corrective application to bring myself back to here, to focus here, in common sense to see, realize and understand what it is that I am resisting giving up as an idea of what I am that i fear losing, as I have allowed myself to define myself through projecting a want, need and desire, separate from me as who I am as life, here.
I commit myself slowing myself down when and as I have a thought that also contains an idea that what I think cannot be said as it is socially unacceptable.
I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down and realizing that the only choice is to face and walk through what resistances come up as fear, to practice this until I am here, focused here, in common sense of what physically exists and directing within the principle of what is best for all.