Day 304 Disgust towards attention seekers.

One of the reactions I have had in my life again and again, and I even created a name for it, is the label of another person being an “attention seeker.” I remember teaching in a school and in the class there was a child that needed insulin throughout the day. The teachers and the staff had to remain on top of this. Even though this child was often in the hospital on the weekends and during vacation, as her mother would neglect the insulin shots for her daughter. She was a classic attention seeker herself, the mother. And so was the daughter. This child would constantly raise her hand and ask to use the restroom, and/or if she needed her shot. And she was not a very focused student. Already, the child had learned her mother’s behavior. This would annoy me, and of course I had to take care of the girl, but it seemed to me that she would ask for something, call attention to herself in moments when the class was quiet and listening. I found this very disruptive. The children in the class noticed , but did not react. This helped me, even though I was the one annoyed by this behavior at the time. Of course, this was all accepted, because no one wanted to deal with the mother.

I do have this memory of myself as a small child, wanting attention from my father, and I go up to him, and he turns suddenly, knocking me over, and I fall on a bike, and am humiliated. I had suddenly appeared wanting attention, and when i did not get the reaction I wanted, and fell on the tricycle, I became angry, and stomped off.
I had gone to get attention, and there was no real substance to this desire.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become disgusted with actions of others that I have labeled as seeking attention, where the judgement I have and the reaction i allow is myself projecting self disgust from an event in my past, where i acted within self interest as wanting attention.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that what humiliation I experienced as I fell is an indication that I had not been present, and interrupted my father simply to get attention, and when I fell, and reacted with humiliation, then became indignant, because i had not gotten what i wanted, as attention, and stormed away in a rage of spite and blame instead of taking responsibility for myself, realizing that my fall was due to my own lack of self responsibility to and towards the situation at hand.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in this memory, as I walk towards my father, I am so locked into a singular desire for attention, to have him turn and give me attention, that i am completely unaware of my environment, like I am possessed with this desire for attention, and when I fall, I realize my folly and become embarrassed with myself, and go into humiliation and then anger and blame, and stomp off in a rage, where I hold onto this and carry this with me into the present, and become disgusted when I see this same behavior in others, as I have not forgiven myself for being caught up in this energetic desire for attention, which I had no real recognition of, at least enough to stop this before I realized, after the physical harm I experienced, was due to a lack of being self honest in that moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to label actions of seeking attention with a negative connotation, in and as fearing being revealed as the same.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i am tired, in this moment, as writing this out is creating a strong reaction of wanting to go to sleep. ugh.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this sudden tiredness, where all I want to do in this moment is fall over and sleep is my self resisting facing this point, here, of facing this reaction to attention seekers as annoying where I separate from myself into value judgements of more than and less than, specifically judging the attention seeker as “less than” to make myself a “more than” as I hang onto my own self judgement of myself having acted with no real substance.

Day 262 Fear of speaking : Thought Dimension

Fear of speaking thought dimension
If I am creating a idol, meaning having an idea outside of myself that I believe will define what it is that I am here, I separate myself into a part and become the “ not having of that part” that I then as mind create an image of, a compound of, as I take a picture to signify what part I believe I need to express my self, something I believe I need to simply be. This is the creation of myself being inferior, lacking in some ability, capacity. I am in essence separating from the source of creation directly, constricting within myself to project outside of myself what I believe I need to be. I am taking the value of life and dividing it and separating it into parts, spreading the substance of myself all over the place into one big picture show. A personality of energy.
And all the time I am here. I can only be here.
I feel like a child, I am that child so frustrated, so confused, to uncertain, not understanding, or maybe at one point understanding and nothing is working, I cannot speak to all the parts, I cannot pull them all together. What child could do this in a world of adults all so separate from themselves in chasing ideas, beliefs and opinions? So to protect myself from the walking movie makers in my childhood world, I find a cloak, I project a persona to survive. Same thing , different angle. What started out as survival became a like practice that in itself was still consuming flesh, as it used the substance of my human physical body to exist as a shield or as a means of communication/interaction in a world of walking projections. Non-directive zombies in separation from self direction as life. In separation from primary source, using secondary sources, and then accumulating secondary sources for expression.
Then all this projected part as a thing believed to be needed becomes “isms” , knowledge and information, divided, and refracted endlessly creating a soup of chains of the same endlessly recycled, and all of it was ill use of resource to begin with, as it was not here, self directed, equal and one as life. It is like the substance is here and cannot be lost, thus does not need to be grabbed onto and filed away for future reference, as it is here in all ways, always. It is primary and the nature of it moves as what is best for all, unless divided. Thus, we are the creators of our own demise, our own dispersement into billions of pixels blown out of proportion and projected at vast distances in separation from ourselves, taking so much effort to maintain, the flesh turns to a colorless ashy empty sack of no substance, as we gave it all away to ideas , beliefs and opinions of more than and less than a double of energy, limited. We refracted ourselves into oblivion. Definitely a fucked up scenario.
And what is here on earth is a reflection of this misuse of self as life, and other life suffers in each of us being negligent of ourselves as life. We are not allowing life to express itself, with every thought, word and deed that is based on idea and not the principle of what is best for all, the very manifestation of life as the physical, here, the gift to allow us to find ourselves as life.
How do you tell someone their chasing a carrot on a string? Which is myself being the same, chasing a carrot on a string. lol
I feel like the children I work with in reading, having to bring them here. I am here constantly breathing, bringing myself back here. All I have learned is to follow beliefs, opinions and ideas, and not directed myself here, as life. Always wanting something outside of myself to take the responsibility for myself as life. A CONsumerist society ready and willing to use this in self interest - a mere reflection of what each of us allows in self abdication as life. This is really rejecting the gift of life. Insanity. And all the disease in the west is the consequence. Wake up - there is no way out but to become yourself as life, here.
Most of this is characters as what I am supposed to be within a cultural tradition. So, busy with these ideas that being here in common sense is forgotten. I am projecting outward what I believe will fulfill me, and what is fulfilling is being here, focusing here, directing myself here in common sense, realizing what is the structure of the present system, created in the image of mankind in separation of itself as life. What is really an archaic ignorance of what science has discovered about this planet that indicates that nature operates symbiotically and that disruption of this has massive consequences. This in itself indicating that humans have created a consumerist, profit based hierarchy on earth that ignores how the physical world functions, in self interest before common sense of what is physically right in front of us. Nature does not exist within a superficial and limited monoculture. And yet, man is trying to stamp this on earth, force this.
So, not being able to speak is thinking that some form of knowledge and information is needed, an imitation of what is acceptable, when it is simply being here, seeing what is here (ear-hear) for what it is. At present it is a system of war, of creating conflict for profit, using fear to create friction and uncertainty, all the present systems that we have allowed; religions teach us to follow some higher guidance - a separation, governments tell us they are caring for us while the governors own more, health systems that will lose need if ease is before disease, without usury/slavery there cannot be more debt than money. Thus this system cannot work. If one has more than another, that will build a hierarchy of more than and less than which naturally breeds in self interest before life. This will not work, The moment a relative value is used to support, as an idea, a belief , or an opinion, there is division, thus only absolute value can be used when making decisions, and the absolute value here on earth is life. This is what is here, this is what is same. One entity being a more than value is a belief, an opinion , or an idea. Such judgement is separation from this substance. Period.

Fearing to speak is fearing to look, is not pulling all this together, to see these separations and then standing here. Obviously, unacceptable. The illusion must be given up. Humpty-Dumpty must be brought back together again. A refracted life is a life being lost in a hall of mirrors. This is not life. Thus a so called “heaven” must be more of the same, because the hall of mirrors must be realized. There is no escape, like the only way out is to remove the mirrors, as they are just smoke screens anyway. An avoidance tactic using the positive, which is just more of the negative that caused the consequence of separation, the consequence of rejecting self as life, which is rejecting life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that if I speak up in common sense I will be rejected, which is actually myself showing myself what I amaccepting and allowing , which is myself rejecting myself as life. lol
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that what is considered a ‘positive thought/statement/reply” is in fact what has been taught by a system that is the epitome of an abdication of life, as the reflection of what humanity has allowed individually, which is self abdication of life, thus the only way back is for each to stand and become self responsible as life, and to stand in organizing this world into a system that supports life, all life, absolutely, which means supporting a system of equality, to remove all hierarchies of division, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I cannot speak, I am within and as my own house of mirrors in separation from common sense here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I am existing as belief that i cannot speak I have abdicated myself as life, have allowed myself to exist within and as my mind.
When and as I begin to believe that I cannot speak, I stop and I breath, until I am stable here in and as breath, I realize that I am attempting to use the mind only in search of a response as what has been taught within this present system where there is not taught any understanding as to how the mind in fact works.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, breathing, speaking self forgiveness, and corrective application to bring myself back to here, to focus here, in common sense to see, realize and understand what it is that I am resisting giving up as an idea of what I am that i fear losing, as I have allowed myself to define myself through projecting a want, need and desire, separate from me as who I am as life, here.
I commit myself slowing myself down when and as I have a thought that also contains an idea that what I think cannot be said as it is socially unacceptable.
I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down and realizing that the only choice is to face and walk through what resistances come up as fear, to practice this until I am here, focused here, in common sense of what physically exists and directing within the principle of what is best for all.

Day 233 Reaction Dimension : Despair Character

Reaction Dimension/ Despair Character
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become reactions as emotions and feelings to animate/substantiate character/personality as reactions of emotions and feelings, to manipulate myself into and as mind/personality instead of standing here in stability with and as breath. Within this, I’ll use, as personalities, specific emotions and feelings to activate specific behavioral patterns/habits to in/as this process validate why/how it is that I am a personality and so in this attempt try to make a personality more real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an emotion of lack in common sense, when faced with accepting limitations in and as, for example, believing I am to be seen and not heard.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to to become the habit and behavior of reacting within and as anger, which is an act of protection and defense instead of a movement of prevention in directing myself within common sense to and as what is best for all, as what is best for all would not separate through division, a world of adults and children, as only one being allowed to be seen and heard, where of course, within interactions between adults and children, only one can speak at a time, but a lack of communication, and a border of adult and child distorts one as more than another, and does not take all that is here, as life, into consideration within and as movement as life, which is to say, that one group is more ascended than another, where this is not the case, as it is here, as life, as the physical that life is expressed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the behavior, in and as a belief that a measure as a division, can remain fixed in place, made a tradition, as “one size fits all” scenario not seeing realizing and understanding that as myself as life, here, I can only move within the moment i exist in and as, and thus to project into the future a tradition, ends up limiting the future to the past, as a belief has become more than what is real, which is life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become emotions of traditions, without question, and to justify these emotions within sentiment made huge and turned into value, to create feelings, which is in essence feeling a past event and using this to validate what i am here, as I am in separation from here and the value being what is actually here, as the physical, because I have allowed myself to exist as some ambiguous idol/image of what i am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have separated from the story, the stori, the tor, as the door of the physical, where instead I store as mind , myself as values of more than and less than, and thus become a behavior of separation from and as the physical, thereby shutting the door to being here, equal and one with what is real as the substance of life, as the physical, the eye of the needle, the real key to become one and equal to and as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the behavior of restlessness, in running from the border as the adult and the child division, to return to play, a play of competition and comparison in self interest as I began to model the world around me, not even understanding what i was doing, in and as energy, of which was an accumulation of stories of gain and loss beginning to develop the division of myself into a habit, as a tradition, as what was modeled as the behavior of those who came before me, as energy made bigger as mind than the actual physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the movement of myself, as a behavior of not standing up and speaking no matter what, when faced with an absence of common sense, as a denial of what is here, as life, able to be developed, as is seen with children that learn to play musical instruments at a very early age, which takes direction and practice with how the instrument works and functions, and this is a common sense activity as what the human is capable of doing, where it is only the voices of consciousness in fear and separation that stop the movement of life in a child and create behaviors of separation from what is real, the physical, that are in essence judgements of more than and less than, of comparison and competition, all a point of view in separation from what is real, here, able to be seen and heard, felt and sensed as the commonality of what man and earth is in fact, a form as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into and as my mind as consciousness, to separate myself from what is real the physical world.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to become a behavior as a reaction to judgement as fear, to stop and to breath and to remain here, within and as my human physical body, and to speak in common sense of what is here as the physical world, and to investigate what is best for all.

I commit myself to, when and as i feel myself constricting within my back, I stop and I breath and I do not allow myself to separate from what is physically here, to see, realize and understand that nothing can be lost, and thus there is nothing to despair about, as the answer is right here, all that need be done is to breath and to realize what actually physically works in ways that are best for all, and that reactions to this, are separations from here, where a reaction such as “ that is impossible” is a statement of ignorance, as physically this world can be organized to support life.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that existing within and as energy is short lived and unfulfilling as it is myself in neglect of being here, equal and one with what is real, this actual physical world, thus the solution is also the prevention, to remain here in and as breath to move within breath in equality and oneness in and as the physical, where there is no apprehension and despair within and as energetic movement within my human physical body, as such movement is myself in despair of life, fearing a loss based on some idea of possible imagined division.

Day 190 A System of Fuzzy Logic

What happens when I allow myself to serve the needs of another as a learned behavior, where I allow myself to become a relationship to another as ensuring their supposed comfort, as in allowing my own common sense to become secondary, or associate myself relative to that other person, meaning I am worth less, as the state of the other is the value instead of the value being here, one and equal to all that is here as life?
What barriers to I build in relation to this? What common sense do I withhold within myself in awareness of what is real here, to serve this? Is it just that common sense does not fit into expectations within an accepted morality? Is it that common sense denies platforms of validating experiences? And would I not be placing myself into a need to validate myself, where I feel that this is improper and then silently bask in sorrow as I have gone into a polarity of more than and less than within social constructs of behavior?
In many ways this focus on the state of the other is a desire for control within survival, as this is all that was perceived by myself to work with as how to exist within this survival based system of inequality, and also to use knowledge and information to “even the scales” as in taking a stand of lack and believing myself to be more in holding the sorrow to elevate the other, which is admitting to and accepting existential fear and instead of facing the fear trying to placate this fear, like running away from the fear, like resisting common sense.
So, it is like fearing being common sense. Is common sense what is taught to us? No. Common sense would mean learning about what is actually here. This is fear of being self as life, here. it is fear of communicating common sense. And this must stop with myself , here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I accept and allow myself to fear common sense in and as life , here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to serve the personification of another in fear of judgement and isolation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the reactions of another to the point where I have even lied to not face the reactions of another for fear of punishment should I be self honest, which ends up being more detrimental to myself and others within my environment and thus is not worth it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared performing in common sense where I actually remember holding myself back because I believed that should I really go for it, it would be too much and too exposing and thus I had a voice in and as my mind tell me - one time when I performed- that I should not do this as I would be attacked - which I have written about before - and i see, realize and understand that this ended up creating a performance of constriction and self insecurity, as in not using common sense there was no real substance with which to express.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear common sense as though something will be lost, when the opposite is what is real as there is no choice but to exist within common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting this feeling of sorrow to pour down my back physically within myself as thought that something may be lost should i exist within common sense, a fuzzy logic masking a fear of loss as an idea, belief, or opinion.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become like a paper dress up doll, where I copy and paste the behaviors in and as the role of the woman, taking on the sorrow, through accepting a less than stand of myself in and as admitting to existential sorrow through believing I need to support the other within the other remaining within and as a state of ease, thus existing as a polarity of more than and less than, creating a lack of common sense of what is actually physically here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in not standing fast within and as common sense, I create the very insecurity felt within and as myself here, and the insecurity within another, the very thing wanting to be avoided, being what manifests.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that a separation from common sense, is what role play, as female and male, creates, thus that which is run to is that which creates the insecurity, as though the belief in the role as support is actually what creates the problem of separation and lack of communication.

I commit myself to breathing, to realizing what is the trigger into and as this association in focus to the emotions and feelings of another, which is going into control, and going into a believed self preservation instead of remaining here in common sense in and as life.
I commit myself to not see, realize and understand that self honesty can only exist within and as common sense of what is actually physically here, thus when and as I feel myself going into a sorrow, as a less than, as a sense of duty to ensure a perceived state of ease in another, I am in separation from common sense, and am allowing and accepting a belief that another must be made to remain happy, which admits to a state of “unhappy” as the potential, where this actually creates a relationship in separation from common sense, here and is not supportive of what is actually here.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the only real support and the only real communication available is with what is actually physically here, as the alternative in and as wanting to control the state of another is in separation from here, and a practice that continues a non-substantive energetic based existence.
I commit myself to remaining within and as common sense of what is here, breathing, and no longer allowing myself to fear the judgements of others, as I am sure they will come in and as reaction to common sense,.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing, and understanding the common sense of oneness in equality through stopping and breathing when and as I notice a judgement from within or from without, directly or indirectly, as such is a fear of loss, illusory as nothing can be lost as life, where a judgement is a fear of loss, and or protection for a few, both an ignorance of the totality of what is here.
I commit myself to remaining here in common sense and to no longer fear the verbal backlash of the mind, as it is only the voice of experience based on a past within what was learned and passed down within a system of fuzzy logic and separation from life.

Day 186 A desire to comfort.

Day 186
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that I will not be able to make another comfortable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i can make another comfortable within themselves as who they are.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that all that I can be is comfortable with and as myself, and this is only possible if I am one and equal with and as the physical, with what is actually here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my desire for creating/sustaining/ maintaining comfort for another is to ensure that no emotional dramas come to pass, so that I am not faced with facing an emotional drama, so my desire to control is myselffearing facing what is here and standing up, which is based on a memory from my childhood, where as a child I had not the tools and understanding necessary, as I was not taught this, and even if I had, chances are my size would not have been enough to stand up against an emotional adult, which is what happened many times, even within attempting to face and question what was being said, as the act of questioning upset the program in and as not being in agreement, where a program seeks a “like match’ in and as an agreement.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have this fuzzy idea that I am supposed to ensure the ease of another, as thought this is my responsibility, where I cannot determine the ease, inwardly emotionally of another, as this is their responsibility and believing I am responsible for this is actually taking away the life of another and not allowing them to be themselves as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that if I am not self honest and seek to please another I end upabdicating myself as life, even in becoming the agreeable female, as this creates a design of dependency to an idea that is in separation from life here as it considers an idea and not what is actually physically here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that becoming a savior, watching to save another from discomfort is actually a controlmechanism as a protection defense mechanism from a starting point of fear of attack and fear of being judged as less than, and within this a desire to be considered special.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that all of this actually separated myself from common sense of what is actually physically here and only serves some limited ideas of what is good and what is bad, where the being of myself within and as these limited ideas “holds no water”, as in holds no water as life, as what determines us as life is what is actually physically here, as in death nothing of here is taken with us, so evident in that material things are no longer in the belonging of the person having died.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is the being of myself here, interacting in and as the physical that is what is real, and thus within this, it is an absolute crime to deny any child what is needed to sustain life on this planet, it is a crime to deny the physical needs of animals and to abuse them by placing them in environments that do not consider the form and function of the animal as what the animal is in fact, it is a crime to deny the soils water, and all in the name of some idea that profits must be generated in and as money, where the real profit is life so abundant in this actual forgiving earth.

When and as I have a thought that I must brace myself to be ready to provide comfort for another, and I focus on the emotional needs of another, I stop and I breath, and I realize that I am here.
When and as I find myself preparing myself physically through constricting into and as a readiness to ensure the comfort of another I stop and I breath and I realize that I am not responsible for the other emotionally, that my response is to what is physically here in common sense and that should a situation happen where there is discomfort and disease emotionally in another I am in fear of being able to defend myself, where what is needed is to be here in common sense of what is here and to look at what fears are present and to walk through them in common sense in the context of my world where humans that are already in relative comfort exist on this planet, where I realize that there are many who do not even have a chance at survival, as the present structure of this world is not in support of life, the solution to which is an equal money system where life is the value and thus life is what is supported with the freely given resources as earth as what the earth is as an expression of life.
When and as I find myself focusing only on the presence of another, where thoughts of fear such as what this person will think of me, or what others will think of me, or if this person somehow has an idea of outcome that is not met, it will be because I was present, as so many times men blame the woman, or the object present without taking the time to consider what is present in common sense, as the fears behind the blame are based on a fear of loss within a survival based system of inequality.
When and as I imagine that I will end up being blamed for something going wrong within a scenario with another person I stop and I breath and I realize that I am not an unlucky charm or a luck charm, as this is a superstition and has nothing to do with what is actually physically here as life.
When and as I imagine that I might possibly be the cause of disease I stop and I breath, and I stand here in and as breath, with and as what is actually practically physically here and realize that there is no such thing as being accident prone, as an accident is simply a lack of understanding and awareness of what is physically actually here.

More self forgiveness coming on this behavior of preparation in working with another.

The creation of the mind.

Life Review series, to realize separation and the consequences thereof.

The Consciousness of the Fly and much more!

Quantum Mind

The practical solution Equal Money

Creation's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey To Life

Earth's Journey To Life