LOOKING here; at self hate Day 772

Looking here continued.

If I look at being ephemeral, where the ephemeral is something intangible, as yet inchoate, yet the stirrings of something, like a world on a world, like a musical stream, a musing that blindly moves in ignorance of what is real and what is here, missing the real expression all around us as the physical, would it be hard to admit to the division, and the real understanding of having done so, allowed such? 

 Can that shadow that is intangible, yet tangible, be that hard to correct? Would the resonance of such, appear to be something difficult to handle.? Within this, in time and space, it is interesting how the very words I use are all from the previous day coming from interactions, and how the words I speak influence the next day, because the words I have used seem to come up suddenly. 

Yesterday, I was driving home with my son, having picked him up from school. In the car he suddenly said that a person he knew was a toxic onion. lol, I was surprised that he recognized a pattern and called it out. he has been waiting on tables part time and interacted with a lot of people, and we have talked a lot about behavior, thus it is not as surprising as I might like to think. 

He also talked about an interesting model within learning. He had read something that described how we learn in our present environment. Imagine understanding something being a circle, when something is completed, or a goal in development has been reached- as another way to say it.  With the onset of building an understanding, one begins with  a simple scaffold in relation to becoming aware of what that circle is as a complete state of understanding. One begins, as enters into awareness of towards being aware of the total circle, via seeing first, as being with, a degree of awareness that is on the level of that simple triangle. Then that turns into a square, then a pentagon shape, then a hexagon shape and so on. Until one becomes a shape with many lines filling in the circle to the extent the space in the circle is filled. The point when one’s scaffold of understanding appears to completely fill in the circle, there comes a moment that is like a jump , where one is equal to the circle. This jump is a movement into grace. 

I see this, within looking at anger. I asked my son if he understood that anger is always self hate. Without hesitation, he said yes. lol, that was cool. 

What does an ephemeral world, a shadow world and reaching what is a metaphor for closing a circle - having a point of expansion that is a leap into grace, - AND anger being self hate,  have to do with one another? 

Anger being self hate,  ultimately ( and realize that there are no problems, there are only solutions, meaning a mis-take can ONLY BE CORRECTED INTO UNDERSTANDING )  means one is resisting LOOKING HERE, one is resisting one’s own capacity to find solutions, which must include this practical and physical reality. Anger exists when value judgements about something  are made larger than reality, which is a separation from reality, and thus lacking a state of grace, of which the very behaviors of anger are a marker of and as as an indicator of a loss of grace! 

One must simply LOOK at the ephemeral values as what one is lost in as one’s inner musings and deconstruct them, to refocus on the practical and physical living reality. 

Within myself I realize, having participated in the intangible, allowing and accepting it to be larger than life - running from it, hiding from it - that having to turn and face my biggest fear, which is really a fear of having accepted and allowed the same within myself, is so embedded, and yet, dare I say here, that it is possible to reach a state of grace within and as this.  Interesting how this brings a sense of shame and joy at the same time. Yet this is that point of leaping into grace, which no one can do for me but myself. 

If I reflect on the present system, I can see where it is a form, just as within myself, where a denial, a resistance of accepting ‘ grace’ is the thing most avoided, most resisted, and of such a busy work to retain doing everything possible to NOT LOOK HERE. 

Yet, there is no other place to go to. It is as simple as that. 

 The math of polarities as the game of good and bad value judgements, is such an illusion, it is quite astounding. And yet, from some small experiences, it is what every single one of us really want. One cannot see it if one is seeing ONLY a limited scaffold that is the focus of self, in separation from seeing the circle. The circle being the real, living and practical world around us.

Teaching children to ‘ fill in the circle’ in a box in their heads, is a backwards construct.  Using chemicals to balance out  dis-ease in the body, is completely backwards.  Having systems where some supposed authority, as authors of how things work, learned in a box, in a backwards way, is backwards - especially with bureaucracies of same construction as human beings who have moved contrary to life, is also backwards. It is all the opposite of life, using limitation to  resist reality.  The game and math of resistance to self as life, as living in a bubble as a head trip, of good and bad, right and wrong, blame and spite, resistance and rejection, is up. We live in a physical creation of form and function, where harm towards something is visible, and not what we would want for ourselves. Therefor , in any shape or form, it is unacceptable to harm. 

If I really understand that anger is always self hate, can I go out into the world and no matter what, act with grace towards all things, as being a voice as a starting point to say out loud, no matter what, that anger is always self hate? Will this stop a person moving into a track of and as an ephemeral  existence, visible and composed of polarities, as movements within a bubble as a built self interest, as a created self of and as energy that is division from what is eternal? This division of self, composed  of blame and spite  building  projection and conjure ( con- jure = with judgement )  that is the opposite of life as real self creation?  I suppose that the marker of this  state of grace would be to remain in gentleness, in a steady grounded focus with humility,  both reciprocating , as taking back to self, the math of separation AND remaining grounded here. After all, what are words for but to communicate what is here. 

Moving against a tide of separation, means being the same as what caused the separation, which means relating things with persistence in accord with reality.  The same as separation is built. Self dis-- covery is a process,  it i re-versing one’s self.  One must realize one’s verse and then realize the scaffold of one’s separation, to uncover what was always there; the circle. lol what a head trip! 

Day 747 My own structural resonance and emotional firewalls.

My own structural resonance and emotional firewalls.

I recently interacted with what I saw as a very large emotional firewall. I have had enough experience in my life that I realize in moments that it was not so much what I said, but more in how I said what I said. What I mean by this, is that there have been situations where I called something out by name with a calm, with an intent of making something clear more than some gain for myself. When I did this, I noticed I was more effective in my communication. 

Conversely, there have been similar situations where I spoke up and called something by name, but my starting point was more colored with a desire, or a self interest motivated of and as fear.  In these situations I had to face the consequences, because that color , or desire, or emotion was still present, it would either be sorted or allowed to accumulate further, as to allow such, was to not address what had within the law of compounding remained, as it had not been balanced out. This is within the math of what one resists persists. 

I also notice that I tend to be very hard on myself, thereby creating my own emotional firewall of self doubt and self blame, leading to a sense of self unworthiness. Then within me, anger grows and I begin to become frustrated and lash out, creating that which focused more on a lack, instead of remaining calm and balancing, or sorting myself out, realizing a mistake as a means to learn a more correct balance, leading to a consequence of more effective communication. Emotional ‘ firewalls’ are an imbalanced resonant inner structure, one of denial of self wholeness, or being focused in awareness of all things, as all things are self in another life because the substance is the same in all of us. When becoming emotional, instead of looking within myself, and resolving the math of me, as polarized and warped values, I notice I start to blame and spite objects around me as the default - often moving into using label - when it is myself who is not focused and in respect of life, calling things by what they are in their physical relationship. 

Within this, I realize that I continue to have some fear of this, within myself and facing this within others, facing that storm of imbalance,  an emotional firewall, as a way for me to call this by name and begin to sort this out within the point that I am at in the moment, here.   I must realize to a greater degree that this is a process, one that is concomitant, meaning that balancing things out will have moments of mis-take.What is always right there, within and as me, as that ability to speak within calling things by name with that more clear voice that can be heard through imbalances as emotional and feeling energies. I have experienced the difference in my life in moments, thus this can be done, so to not be too hard on myself.  I realize that we are all capable of this.

Also, we cannot know what we do not know. Because of this, we cannot move past our inner conceptual indexing. Meaning, we cannot move beyond the level of our learning balance scale. Yet, we can practice referencing the practical, knowing the score of reality, respecting it and building a more direct relationship to/and towards it. This ability to reference reality, is more natural, and it is what children naturally are able to do, this which is somehow lost. Our children are a product of the math of their environment. And this starts in the womb.  They absorb the colored  state of conceptual lack  as the very signature of emotional firewalls, as mis-informed constructs of information, causing a distraction if not sorted out, slowing down a natural ability to realize the magic is in the physical doing. If we look at our society today, there is so little opportunity to actually do things, most exposure is through media and/or from memorizing information- this a direct disconnect from reality, by design. Even early books on education realized the need to  build relationships to reality. In this I am personally glad that President Trump is formulating apprenticeships as an alternative to high school, for example, because we as a society have lost a connection to living relationships in the learning process. Even such a situation can be manipulated, thus there is the need to understand overall, how we are formed, and to recognize emotional ‘ paranormal’ firewalls, because this is what such is. It is also necessary to meet a person where they are at, within, and to move froward from that point, as physical relationship building can accelerate learning. Also, through practical living applications - which is to say, one must bring the children back into building direct relationships to reality- this being done through words having a direct relationship to reality without the clutter of pictures. One must forgive the inflammatory polarized values of self interest, often visible as manipulation in space and time, and realize the only choice is to consider all things, and take what is good and does no harm. War is conflict, and it is used for profit, it is an emotional firewall on a grand scale, a form of manipulation that is conceptually separate from the living reality around us. War is a reflection of what each is within themselves, and the system is actually a protection for a lack of self responsibility in each individual.  It is a loss of insight into the absolute purpose of life, that absolute purpose being the living nature of taking what is good and does no harm. This is being/moving in harmony.  When two minds meet that understand a level of mastery that is so balanced and expansive, few words are needed, as just being in the presence of such, and recognizing it, is such a state of joy there is no expression that can be that, as that state is both fecund and silent. One could say it is the meeting of a level of inner structure that realizes we create who and what we are. 

Remaining grounded even with the politician of the mind Day 728

The ending point is the the staring point.

The power within staying the course.

I had a confrontation with a group I help run. I had explained to another person within whom I share management with this group to keep things simple, meaning, one remained within a schedule, or else the doors of special interest would open.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the doors were opened. Within the coming schedule that organized the group, one could pick and choose which day one did the tasks the group shared  whereas before the schedule moved in a sequence where the individual was responsible to change their date if necessary- and the schedule was placed so far in advance that it gave time to order one’s life around one’s date.  Naturally, in creating a schedule of choice,  the unwanted days, which were holidays, were the last slots to be filled. When I opened this up, because some people were too busy to go in and choose a date, the response was that they had had a lot of fun doing that unwanted day. I had then said, that this was the reason the schedule moved as it did, because it eliminated causing those who did not have the time to fill in the blanks ending up with the days that were holidays and distributing these unwanted days through years- so everyone had a turn on a holiday with time to plan well before the dates. Answering to this with a positive spin on the consequence did not change the fact that all that was left were the holidays, which cancelled out the justification. To this there was a reaction, an indirect action. It was as though, calling positivity out by name caused the flood gates of spite to open, and every so-called ‘ mistake I had made in the past in relation to the group was called out. A distraction from the real issue at hand. It also turned out that the person who had changed the format, complained that scheduling was taking too much time, which, in answering to everyone’s need, instead of simply placing a sequence consistently into a schedule, well before hand,  handing change to the individual, would have kept the act simple, which had been explained from the beginning. 

The formula for such complaint is a math. It happens again and again. Nothing to take personally. Usually, there is some statement of fact, about an action, and then some inflammatory language.  Overall, this additional ‘ math’ incident and then defamatory values as judgements attached, that have nothing to do with the issue at hand I have gotten so caught up in that I become the game of seeing only the distraction and forget my starting point. My answer only brought silence, unless I had retaliated, which I did not, because to react to this kind of inflammatory language only feeds the reaction/fire. The real issue was the original point; bringing in other things only caused a bigger pool of dissonance. It is how walls are built around an issue that is resisted.

Last night, I was talking with an old ‘ friend.” I opened something up that caused a reaction that basically took up the rest of the evening.  I realized that the real issue was money, in this second situation, as this was the last point made in relation to the topic discussed. Yet, when this reaction, this tirade came up, I became quiet, because once started, it had to release itself, as any interjection would only cause more chaos. I wanted to walk away, and had thoughts that this was impossible; why did I make any attempts at all! I should have known - type of back chat coming in. I stopped.

I simply listened, checking myself for reactions, those small resistances, and desires to push back coming from myself; I watched for my own biases wanting to hold onto ideas and beleifs and opinions as what information was coming into the space I was within. I also noticed, at one point how tense was the body of the person with whom I was in communication. It was a rigid, unmoving, un-breathing stance. I did at that point have the werewithall, to realize that what would be important at that point was to move beyond that tense state ( and even had the thought that I created this, which cannot be, as what we accept we, as individuals, are responsible for!).  This stance was so ‘ stuck’ that I stood and listened, letting the fires burn out. It is like standing back and not adding any more fuel to the fire of reaction- this being a set of beliefs being expressed.  It was a lot of ‘ math’ to sort through, and yet, it can be done, as this is what I am as life, here. This is the capacity of life, to create, to build and rebuild. I could look at this as playing with building blocks, rearranging them, sorting them. It is only inflamed values, as belief, that pull into more fire storms of emotion and feeling- this being away from what can withstand time, remain constant, and sound a ‘ stilling of the waters’ , a slowing down, to assess and move into greater understanding of creation as the nature of life. 

When things calmed down, what I noticed is that the interest in what I had brought up remained in this person. It was as though all the reasoning that lead to me once again being involved with this person came forward, and an acknowledgement of what was brought up that caused the reaction, was again said to be something that must be effective. It is like my friend senses there is something there, but the morality, as beliefs, comes forward in a resistance. This cycle is playing out and the only way forward is to slowly walk through the cycles of a morality/math of resistance and fragments of interest that come back. I would say it is like dealing with a piece of music, which is like a math, that has truths and inflammatory beliefs, that slow down the processing of  potentials sensed.  I lose insight into the whole, as the parts/justifications when I become too narrow a focus on ideas about who and what I am, usually tied to class and culture, instead of remembering a presence to and towards the physical- the real starting point of myself as a human being on earth.

Within myself, though at times listening to a tirade was difficult -as a sense from my past that I could not move through this, it was impossible, it was overwhelming, it was so thick and too difficult to sort through, came up,  -I said no as this was my own limitations that had become fixed and comfortable justifications within myself. I had to breath, remain calm, and listen. It was at this point that a tiny fleck of realizing that I could ‘ do the math’ came through, and like words on a page, the forms became more liquid, as though I was sorting the numbers. This had a moment, of remembering that those lenses, as the words, were a tool to ground an effective presence, here: a present to myself. That one moment of movement, of form, opened a door to seeing that not only could this moment remain fixed as what it was, it could also, be aligned in ways that removed the inflammations and settled into more presence and greater awareness of movement in space and time. 

Within all this seeming chaos, were points of change. It was like a quantum form that had a flicker of insight that could move into a greater dimension of awareness- yet there were problems to solve. lol, it is like facing a formula embedded in the physical, the persona of the numbers as a measure of values laying the equation on the table. It is amazing in so many ways, as it is as though I step out of my head, yet remain there as well, and see the movement around me. It is a movement that is invisible, yet moves like a wave - that wave can be brought back to self, sorted and grounded. Thus, within this, everything is me, as this is how to bring it back to self. Here, to then do the math, within a starting point of the principle of what is best for all. This also means speaking within the volume of story, playing with words, with a math, to direct myself, and thereby the very presence involved as a formation that moves with greater   resolve into a presence equal and one to life, to creation.

What joy there is in this!

Day 686 Revisiting Blame. Realizing the practice of self forgiveness and self correction.

When I go into anger I go into fear. My reflection is then based on limitation, as I am fearing survival more than being present here, equal and one to the math of existence, a physical existence.

I mean, why does television effective? Why is the measure of it so ubiquitous? Why have a measure constantly broadcast, and all the advertising images, incessantly? Why is a form, as a picture, covering the physical environment in which we life? Why is a child born without religion, nationality, class, gender awareness, skin color awareness? The simplicity of this math, is evident all around us. What blinds us, is evident all around us. What separates us from practical movement in our lives, is all around us. The simplicity of this is astounding, the complexity the consequence of the superimposition of a measure/story that is  extremely limited.

Can we not understand that a fiat currency is our labor? Can we not see that the value from the labor is siphoned off and flowing into a central entity that projects the limitations in contradiction of life: an example the supposed ‘ superman’ story? All the while the fiat currency flows the value being life as in doing, that is done with a collective effort as how things are built, from freely given resources into a centralized regime that touts what suppresses the life within. Are we not all this in measure when we ignore the world around is as we are caught in an imaginary elephant-in-the-room that is the valley of shadows as our minds of thoughts?  So, that centralized regime, feeds of the whole, and touts a god, as a superman- the opposite of life. It is laughable when the reality of the indoctrination is the opposite of practical living. And meanwhile, it has been said again and again and again, that the veil is thin. And it has been said again and again and again that one must stop the ‘ spin ‘ of the memory/mind. And it has been said again and again and again, that we are in a cave watching shadows on a wall.  This slight of hand, this legerdemain is right in front of us, and what is real is under that illusion, that valley of smoke and mirrors .  What is real is right under that constant chatter, it is the physical. 

Why are children placed in a box for 13 years? Why is an absorbent beingness placed in a confined place to create an abstract image of information? What is that information? Is that information the real story? Would this not serve to suppress through a lie-by-omission story? Would this be called a limitation?  And if one practices through repetition being up there in the imagination for 13 years, not to mention the television as entertainment and baby sitting for parents that are a product of the same system, place presence into a very limited structure as that measure/information contained in that centralized regime information measure that serves to move that value as the labor of many, being what builds and creates as how things are done on this earth, into the hands of a few to decide what we eat, what we think, what we use, to control the frustrations from suppressing the full potential of what and who we are a physical beings?

Yet, it is done because we accept it, we allow it. We in this acceptance abdicated ourselves as life. When in reality, no one, and no thing can really decide who and what you are. That which follows is that which can assess and investigate and understand and then make choices that consider all things. Remember, if it is only working for a few, then it is not working. We have allowed a quantum construction of ideas, beliefs and opinions, to direct us, and the consequence is a frustrated life that is not in full expression. A lack of full expression is a suppression, a stress, because it is only through one’s real expression, as full employment of the inherent capacity of what one is as a physical being, does one find ease. The first step is to admit, that one has abdicated one’s self as life. And then, to begin to decode the limitation, forgive it, and ground one’s self back into considering all things, taking that which is good and does no harm. This is to ensure that such a choice never happens again, because we learn through mis-takes. 

Hence, when I blame in any way, I perpetuate the limitation. Every movement within and as me, and every movement around me, if not related to a respect for life as a starting point, as an action of considering the physical, is an act of separation from life. I will in effect, never fit through the eye of the needle, that object that is used to join things together, to create. 

I am in effect, not slowing down when I move into blame. Blame is protection and self defense, in self interest, as that measure of separation of and as mind consciousness that lacks a focus on reality as the physical. To move as a directive principle in respect of the physical, I can address the limitations, being in expression as who and what I am, within realizing the means of a mind consciousness. The information that is a measure unequal to practical reality, is composed of judgement about things as measures of information. It is judgements about self, about others in relation to self, about information. So much of our in-formation an abstract about reality, as the physical. It is like a spinning thing, this entity of separation as imagination that is the mind that so many have said to stop. If one slows down, one can hear the back chat of this mind. 

Thus, why fear this paranormal entity that has no real connection to life, as the physical? The values touted as it, are short lived, meaning they have no longevity, which is why the media is a constant all around us.

Thus, when and as I move into blame, I must slow down, and realize that I have not listened to the information that is here enough to remain stable and consistent within and as directing in respect of what is real, which is the physical. My reaction is a fear of loss, based on survival. The solution is to realize that I need to hear that ‘ song/story’ again, to understand that math, the measure, the form, and then to assess and investigate, until I can un-tie the knot, the mis-take and ground the form/information back into what is a practical action with a stable relationship done in referencing the physical in all ways, always. In this, my starting point wills the ending point.

Last night I was playing with this, and I revisited a moment where I went into competition. I noticed that my thighs became inflamed . It is like needles of crystals climbing into the flesh, It hurts. I have to slow way down and realize the measure I am accepting and forgive it, transform it into what no longer moves, as being information, as belief, opinion of idea, as polarized value judgments, to realize what gives as I would receive .  I am already what it is that is life. That which follows this in-formation of value judgements that is the means of limitation, is that which can slow down and respect the physical. The physical being what is real.

I must realize my expectations, in self interest, in fear of survival as this is what I have accepted and allowed as a practice. All those ideas and desires, like wanting to have children, or wanting to move up in a career. Like wanting to be in a relationship, when the real relationship is here, as being physical, where there are many expressions, not only the limited touted as a value again and again. This the greed to create a life, within a narrow focus. Where one blames everything around one as not being effective. This act in itself a separation from moving into a solution that leaves no one behind.  This act usurious, rent seeking, believing that one knows. When the only solution is to be here, focused in every breath, in every move, realizing the nature of separation as the quantum measure, and the real significance, as the physical world. Within this can I ground myself here, remembering myself to the physical, where I could use the gift of myself , like that feral child, and sense that rabbit 20 meters away? Can I become the master of myself, which is to equalize to the physical world, as this is life information? If not me then who?

Remember the projections of Humpty Dumpty, are sourced from the physical. The stings of the limited information are visible, I need only slow down and stop competing. After all, what is real about who and what I am is physical. 

I can crystalize the water that is me into a fixed measure, or I can  master the flow of myself, as life, and remain constant and consistent with the physical as this is what is real. In effect, knowing myself as what I have accepted and allowed, and realizing where and when I constrict allowing myself to be defined by value judgements in survival, or I can realize the richness of myself as life, here. Within the nature of the richness of myself as life, is an ability to assess, to investigate, to slow down and hear the grass growing, to see the flicker of value judgements as personalities that can only scream the information accepted and allowed that has been allowed to define into a persona that is a separation from equality and oneness to and as life here, as the physical. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be a reaction of blame.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to move as a measure of spite and blame, about information instead of slowing down, assessing and investigating the form of what is here, as a mind consciousness, as values that become like an elephant-in-the-room that is an abstract about reality, and thus, a separation from  a compassion that is a starting point of what is best for all, realizing I am life and life in expression is physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to move , to direct myself as beliefs, opinions and ideas, as information that I have accepted and allowed to define me causing a separation from seeing, realizing and understanding the value being life, which is physical and always in all ways, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to consequence within and as blaming the consequence and the fault of consequence instead of slowing down and breathing, grounding myself here, being as a starting point in respect of the physical in form and function, to see, realize and understand what is best for all, so that the ending point is the same as the starting point, this being equality and oneness, as the principle of give as I would receive, to realize in small movements, as how things are built, the expression of life as creation information.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand in every moment my acceptances and allowances in self interest, such as value judgements about information, be it personality, or abstracts as words about reality, as information touted and what I have accepted within where I am within a society that is in separation from being equal and one in respect of the physical world being the manifestation of life information.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame the story placed before me, as the information accepted and allowed, and to resist facing this information, that is often a - metaphysical- elephant-in-the-rrom entity, that has only the power I accept and allow it to have.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my greatest strength is my ability to assess and understand as I am by nature that child that can learn to smell like a wolf, so great is the gift of life, able to assess and investigate form and function, which takes practice and time, hence in every moment, I make the decision  to in all ways, always, move from a starting point of what is best for all, as what takes that which is good and does no harm, to move a starting point of equality and oneness into an ending point, and within this to practice until the starting point of equality becomes the ending point here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that blame is  a form of protection and self defense, and therefor a reaction to consequences of a starting point in self interest, where the answer is within the formula, thus, to slow way down, assess and direct within and as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that blame is being lame, as in not taking the time to assess my own acceptances and allowances, and the information that lacks consideration of all things, thus, within and as I find myself moving into blame, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I assess what is here, to see and realize with real eyes, what directs within grounding into a practical action that does no harm and gives what can remain constant and consistent.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge what is here, within and as the information I accepted and allowed as the programming of my experience within the society in which I was born as the values believed to be more than other values, to within and as me, slow way down and realize the value being life, and to consider all things, taking that which is good and does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to move into self pity, for my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a self pity in relation to believing that no one understands me, as my value system, as a personality, and within this to see, realize and understand this measure of information and to within every moment remaining within breathing to slow down and ground myself here, becoming in thought word and deed that which is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that limitation is a threat, and to within this, slow way down, assess and ground myself here in the practical, to see, realize and understand a starting point of what is best for all, so that the ending point in every thought word and deed within and as who and what I am stands within the principle of what is best for all, as this is best for myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become intimidated by information.

When and as I find myself moving into blame, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down.

When and as I find myself becoming blame, I stop, and I breath, and I asses what I am spiting as information, and I ground myself within my breath, to assess, to understand, to then move into solution as what is best for all, as what considers all things, to realize a starting point within my actions as the words I speak to create an ending point of respect for the real creation as the physical world.

When and as I find myself moving into protection and self defense as blame, I stop and I breath and I assess what information I am accepting and allowing within and without, and I assess and I check my physical body to see , realize and understand the richness of the life that is me, here, as all things are me in another life here.

When and as I find myself reacting, within and as my thighs and my chest area, as a constriction, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself way down, until I am gentle and calm, at ease, and stable, and I assess what designs are around me, and the practical nature of the physical, to see, realize and understand a compassion that takes that which is good and does no harm and makes clear the practical steps that lead to a solution.

When and as I find myself believing that the information around me, either in separation from reality, or the information of reality as the physical being too difficult to understand, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, and I realize, and I understand the practical as this is to consider all things as the function of the physical, to ground myself here, and move into solution as the simple movements here in the moment, as this is how life is built, from moment to moment, being present here, respecting the richness of life information as the physical.

When and as I find myself reacting to information, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I transform my within entity of ideas, beliefs and opinions, into what is grounded here, and in respect of the practice of physical living, to become the directive principle in every moment as every starting point to realize an ending point of what is best for all, in thought word and deed.

When and as I find myself moving into blame, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I catch what I have rejected and resisted, to realize my own generated limitations as beliefs, opinions and ideas, to assess and transform back into respecting the practice of physical living, giving as I would receive, to live in thought word and deed the richness of life, as the physical here.

When and as I find myself moving into anger, I stop and I breath, I slow myself down, and I realize the solution is to consider all things as the physical, to ground myself into the richness of life, as life being the real value, as the practice of respecting the physical.

When and as I find myself wanting to blame, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself way down and I see, realize and understand the habit of ignoring the emotional storm in fear of survival, as a behavior I have accepted and allowed, and I assess the information until I am stable, calm, steady and able to assess in clarity the measure within and without, to move into solutions that solve problems and ground presence into the richness of creation as the practice of respect for the physical, here.

When and as I find myself moving into self pity as a reaction for my own acceptances and allowances, and the shame of my self interest in protection and self defense in ignorance of the practice of respecting what is real as the physical, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I realize that sadness is more of the same, as self pity, and self aggrandizement,  until I am stable within and as my breath, and I assess, and cross reference in relation to my physical body and the information as the measure of the practical physical world around me, and I take that which is good and does no harm, to become the living word of what is practical in step by step movement, to ensure that my presence is rich in awareness of all things, to live in thought, word and deed, what is best for all here.

Day 669the presence of a wall of memories; the effort to speak as a child.

What is a wall?

I woke up this morning with this word in  my head. I realize the sense of a ‘ wall’ around me is my own making. It only defines me if I accept and allow it.

I also heard a statement about the nature of Astrological signs this week. The woman said that water signs tend to be boundless. Funnily enough, in the group, the water signs were all on the edges of the group, where they could escape, remaining on the borders. 

Being of such a nature means that one can absorb everything and yet not be bound by it unless accepted and allowed, since one can change beliefs, opinions and ideas held within one, meaning one is not bound by such. And yet, this is a means to an end, meaning that one can understand something and let it go and change. One can expand perspective, learn and become more aware. Yet if the starting point is one of believing that one can be bound, and has a character of being boundless, then one is reacting to form, as belief, opinion and idea.

So the statement that one is boundless means that that quality of making the choice to be boundless is the same quality that can understand something for a moment and transform. Because the idea of being boundless means one is constantly transforming, as in rejecting and accepting what one chooses to believe, especially on a physical planet where it takes practical. measurable steps to get things done. If things are done in practical ways then what is real is right in front of us. When I am acting boundless, I am rejecting what is here, fearing to address it, fearing to call it by name and accepting the quality of it, and interacting with it in practical common sense ways.

Hence resistances are my own wall. My physical body tenses to resist what I believe will cause me harm. Because this belief is a measure within me, as an idea, it is myself in separation from being present in what enables me to live , and that is the physical world around me.

I have accepted a wall of belief, and that wall of belief becomes what binds me in limited ways. 

I recently had a memory come up of myself pushing myself to talk as a child. The memory is like an emotional veil. 

It was such an effort to do this, as though I was clenching myself within myself to ex-press the words I was playing with as sound. The anxiety behind this was great. Such a huge effort it seemed. 

Within the memory,  is the perspective of this, meaning the whole focus of myself was on moving myself within myself. My presence, like my eyes, were focused on this movement within me.

A memory can therefor me, a measure, a movement, a tiny slice of time and space. And each memory is like a different measure of movement, like currents in an ocean; some move slow because they are of such a simple movement within me, and others are fast moving, cluttered with debris as zip filed thoughts that are of belief, opinion and idea creating a story of justification for what has been created within that moves one, defines one, and ultimately separates one from being focused and present. In a way, it is a tying of all of this together, where one walks backwards, so to speak, through all of this and begins to see what was constructed with what builds memories within and a perspective of seeing not only this memorized within, and also, in tandem with, what is without as what is the real physical world that was there, that we each were within, become culture and language built personalities that became larger than life.

Who am I within what I accept and allow as beliefs, opinions and ideas? Since what is within is constructed, because it was not there when I was born, or until what seeds were planted as such states of being as the adults around me imbedded as measures of perspective within my DNA,  resonant because they are a form, a memory that can zip file information, what was I before all of this, even as the adults of my exposure and imitation,  around me walking in bubbles of a within made larger than life?

Measurable and math mathematically, this means I am built of what I am exposed to. This means that what is within me, must be equal in measure to seeing directly what is without that is me. This means that in the order of real living, my within must be cross referenced to what is without. This means that real trust, the trust of life, the acceptance of life, must be to realize equality and oneness to the physical. This is accepting everything as life, as creation.

This means that there is only here. 

I ask myself why there was so much anxiety attached in this memory to moving my body in such a way to be able to start speaking words? Was it that I only had words within a context of the beliefs, opinions and ideas of the humans standing within my environment? Was it that what I imitated was a different world than the world around me? Was it that I feared becoming this paranormal activity? Probably.

I notice in my chest, a movement that is not whole, and instead it is more like a hole, where what moves within this, is not sound, instead it feels like it pours out a racing thing, a film thing. I can answer it more, perhaps if I look at this from another angle. It is like it fears taking in other forms. and the consequence is that it is ‘ of an effort’ to change outside of pictures and ideas within and as me. I notice that in some instances taking in information about ‘ finances on the world stage’ is a genre/formation/structure that I have great difficulty with. I have to in these instances really slow down and assess the information as though it is so foreign to me. I tell myself that it is  a measure, a form that can be understood with continued assessment. The contrast of this change to assess this form, as the financial part of the present system,  exists in contrast to what races within my heart/chest that is like a thing as a measure as a form, that resists changing itself.  And yet, this is where I notice at times I can reform myself within understanding others areas of living, as in assessing how to organize some spatial thing in my direct world, my home- for example.

The anxiety comes up in some things my mind projects as words, as statements, such as; I can’t see that,” or “ I can’t grasp that,’ “ must get this”.

There is a sense that I really do not see the consequences of what I am doing. I am only imitating the world around me as trying to fit into what exists be it good or bad, right or wrong, and yet there is a thread of dread in some respects as though this short circuits the physical as me.

I can feel the anxiety of speaking within this, accumulating in my solar plexus, and then moving into my chest to flow out in a way that is of information that does not tell the whole story. It skims the surface.  When I become more ‘ boundless’ I notice that I am being change, and within this, the absence of anxiety happens, as less accumulates within my solar plexus, as I am busy assessing more than what is within me, I am slowing down and also sensing form and function of what is here. The red flag being when the information that is me, has to change and there is resistance because that information is not congruent with being present and here.

As a musician, I always has this sense that words were do limited, so one-dimensional. They moved too slowly to really have a presence in wholeness. Music seemed so much more a means of expressing a greater measure in a moment. And yet, words were sound too. Seeming contradiction.   One of the designs of our present system is that it does not allow for the time it takes to investigate. Yet is we are racing as a within that is not equal to what is without, we lose an innate ability to assess and understand form and structure around us, and hence we build a structure within that is in a relationship with limitation instead of complete understanding. This becomes what so many have accepted and allowed, which is a personality that has no real responsibility. And that is a crime against one’s self, a crime against life. No wonder so many are standing up and speaking about what is unacceptable in this world, and which is not placed on the mainstream media, because what is being expressed that is unacceptable, does not fit into the limitation that supports the limitation as one’s acceptance and allowances within one’s personification that is a metaphysical inner construct as one’s memory. 

I will do some self forgiveness in relation to the anxiety I felt as this memory, about speaking words, using this physical body to speak words using what I imitated around me, that caused a suppression that manifested as emotions accumulating in my solar plexus, and being formed into words that did not tell the whole story and therefor lacked a wholeness within my chest area.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that speaking words was an extra-ordinary effort.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that speaking words was a huge effort

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get so caught in speaking words that I did not notice the effects of this on my physical body.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was a child, attempting to behave as the adults in my world around me, and that to do this, I had to speak words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel very exhausted within summoning all of myself to move my physical body into speaking words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within and as speaking words, and becoming at the same time exhausted within and as doing this, that I did not assess what I had done, as I simply accepted this without investigating what the consequence of this was within and as me.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I became so focused on the words and the effort to speak words that being aware of anything outside of that was ignored.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what my physical body as myself was doing was learning something new, placing into practice as me, some new formation of what I as a physical form could be and do,  that my focus on that and the praise I received for this,  distracted me from what I existed as before, that was what reformed to speak words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that in being able to speak words I was somehow more that what I was in contrast to before being able to speak words as the only value I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is okay to enjoy speaking as in participating in some means of expression as speaking words, yet not to make this a more than, a greater value, something to be proud of as in an end game value  to define who and what I am, where realizing that this change and self expression with the physical is movement and living, and that this is ongoing, meaning it is being present, participating in creation in expression, as this is eternal and cannot be lost.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I find myself accumulating emotional bodies within and as my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand where I am resisting investigating measure and form around me, as this is information that is not what I have accepted and allowed as a belief, as a measure within and as me. hence I slow down and I change within and as me, what I have accepted and allowed and the means of this, to reform through assessment and evaluation and realize that I can express this movement into considering all things, my own acceptances and allowances and what is without structurally, until I realize a form that is whole, as in directive into expanding awareness so my within can be equal and focused without, stable, grounded and at ease, as this is the absence of emotions and feelings of lack, comparison, resistance in competition of aggrandizing my within as ideas, beliefs and opinions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts such as “ this is too hard’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts such as “ I can’t do this,’ or “ I can’t grasp this,” or “ must get this.’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear not matching the words of another.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding the fun of this, over all, as speaking words and moving my physical body  as the means of expression which is fun and means that I am the director of what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the sounds that I emit, to fear making sounds, in fear of making a mistake, when learning means that one must attempt formation, and that means becoming equal in measure to something, which takes time and involves making mistakes, as this is the way and the means of realizing where I am not in total understanding of something, as this is by nature a process.

When and as I find myself tensing up, within and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I assess the thoughts and the emotional veils of memory from my past and the reactions I had within that memory, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that I am here, that that which builds is that which can reform and move into transforming who and what I am here, surrounded by creation as the physical, and within the construct of separation as the present system, and myself as a personality composed of limited measures in separation from being grounded and whole, equal and one to all life, which includes that physical as this is what is here before a mind consciousness was accepted and allowed to be bigger than life itself.

When and as I find myself moving into anxiety, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the past as memory is no longer what I am here, and that the means to building my memory, as my experience, within the present system is the means of change, the means of slowing down, assessing and investigating what is here, to see, realize and understand what is best for all, as this is best for myself.

When and as I find myself tensing up and/or feeling anxious,  I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess, investigate, evaluate, my within mind consciousness and the without as the physical world that is at the moment influenced by the limited measure accepted and allowed my myself,  and I follow through in practical application what accepted and allowed judgements as lacks within and as me that I believed protected and defended my accepted separation from respecting all life as me, here, and I ground myself through forgiving my own beliefs, opinions and ideas, based on a past where I followed and imitated my without, absent consideration of all things, as I accepted and allowed self interest before respect for all things.

When and as I find myself tensing up within and as me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I become equal and one as the living word here, to ground my within, in and as my chest area to speaking in wholeness in what is in consideration of all things, as the physical as this is life information, here.

When and as I find myself skimming the surface of reality and the measure of accepted and allowed limited beliefs, opinions and ideas to define me as my within, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I realize that I am possible as who and what I am, life, here.

When and as I sense  a wall around and as me, as a sense of resistance to what is here around me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that the real “ wall’ is the all, of and as me as us, as we, here, as the physical, and I assess and investigate my within and the without, until my personified wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas, as memories, as experiences, as data, as measure, are self forgiven in equality and oneness with and as the physical here, becoming a living word that is in tandem with life, as being the consideration of all things, taking that which is good and does no harm, to plant a seed of information equal and one to and as life, here.

Day 349 A full self in the words, here?

I am working on a text and I suddenly realize within trying to make the words be me, as in hearing, hereing every word that all this roller coaster stuff is going on. My market of marks, my bills of sale, where I souled myself, where I have more than the story I am directly telling. A story of self judgement I hope no one sees because it is where I don’t want to face here. it is where I am afraid to be revealed, it is where I reject here, it is how I separate from the words directly, it is where I suppress, hold back, do not move with here. All manner of fear.
I have to remind myself that here moves, here breaths, here is being and how being here can be seen and realized. It is not to fear. I’ll have to practice jumping into here - so to speak.
If I don’t face my own marked fears, how can I see and barter with the fears of others? To be and become a barter that is best for all, as what is best for self is what is best for all?

                                          I " lie" is an omission of equal consideration of all life.

So, I am reading this script and as I notice all the reactions within working with what I am trying to say as I have talked with teachers, families, administrators where the conversation ended abruptly, where there were reactions, as the person went from looking straight at me, to down casting their eyes, or unfocusing their eyes here, where there was no longer a presence of and as them moving with me, as though a field of a lesser self, a protective self, a defending self , a “ half” self became the voice, like the models in New York becoming a substance of a lesser presence- so to speak. I look back at these reactions and I see realize and understand that I am doing the same within me, as though I have a perpetual picture show that manifests as pictures - if I slow myself down enough - and move within as a sinking away from here, a rejecting movement from here as adivision of self into a fear of loss, a judgement of not being good enough, upheld by the memories as moralities of the cult of separation that is this system of inequality, an outward manifestation of what each of us has accepted and allowed within. And then the positive that is a justification of the fear, that comes raging forward, excited shaking ever so slightly seeming, tense, like the zombies in the movies, like one is in some kind of orgasmic state and believes this will lead to a bullseye, a bullish act, and when the miss is the outcome in this dream, this separation, confusion ensues, the register then checked. Somewhere in the movement of this it is realized that self did not consider practical common sense of the physical world, but the habit is the personification as communication and not a “ full self” in common sense here.

And I have been doing this for so long, it will take slow careful practice, not to become frustrated with, not to make huge, as the previous acts are making separation huge, mistakes. But, to see them as the solid development of realignment into and as self responsibility, self direction, self awareness. It is like inverting the information and knowledgeaccumulated as the divisions into judgements and to see how these constructs have taken parts of self that are not good or bad, and stopped watching the flow of life in totality, here. It is like knowing there is something wrong but trying to use accumulated data that is limited to find the cause of the “ wrong”, when it is the limitation as the data that missed the total action as the physical of the anecdotal action from which the data was selected. Sound like the game our government plays, carefully selected data, that disallows some movements of the physical that contradict the wanted outcome of profit, through shortening the duration of studies, of monitoring the anecdotal, to avoid un profitable outcomes, an absolute crime against life, destructive of self and earth and thus the children unborn, the animals unborn, the trees not yet breathing, moving to provide oxygen. Profit before life stops life and the effects are everywhere, in every town. The presence of drugs and alcohol are a testament to this.

So, as I practice this script, as I write this out here, I have to bring these self insecurities back to self, these separations into and as fear ( that do not an action of self equality and oneness here, as self forgiveness, make) to see where I am allowing this and where the other is allowing this and to correct within and as what is sound as the expression as the interaction as the physical as life here, to see realize and understand the only choice is self expression in and as life here, that this would move with ease, thus there is no need to force, thus there is no need for taking anything personally the only “ re-action” is (self) correction within and as what is best for all. It is like practicing playing a note in tune, like moving from a point of no desire, as an acceptance of here, the physical. Each of us can only do this for ourselves, as it should be, as this is a gift to enjoy, here. Does this mean I am here? no. I can already see there is a lot to practice. lol. My feet need to learn to run along the track of life, as all of me here, this that is the sound of equality and oneness to and as life here, the actual physical world the “ sign post” showing the way, where disease is the separation from life.