The storm is only as big as I allow it Day 775

Yesterday a local person I have known for years sat and talked with me. The degree of the use of hyperbole, which uses labels intensified with value judgements, in the words and descriptions used told no real story other than techno-colored dream coat. lol. The word ‘ techno’ I recently discovered as being ‘ skill.” Thus, ‘ techno’ colored, if color is a way to frame emotion, would mean the skill of using colored, or polarized values. 

This is such a busy work. If I took what was said, I would have absolutely no understanding of what was really happening as actions about and in, and of the reality around me. None. Astounding. 

Such a techno of emotion and feeling expression, can appear to be so loud, and so real, and of such force, it would be hard to counter it, if one was of a focus on this without any sense of objectivity. I can imagine a child trying to decode this. It would be a chaos, and of little real value. And, it is of such a punishing state,  the blows of and as it, would be something to run from. It would also, in the process of learning to ‘ read’ this, really slow down one’s ability to put things into a balanced order.  Such behavior would require a protracted learning process, and divide one from what is more natural. I mean, look, when someone talks about something, with a more complete and effective understanding, it is enjoyable to hear, because it lends more here-ness.  If we look, so much of the time- the chronology of our creations as words, are a spin in an motional roller coaster. I feel at this moment, that what I learned so much of, was how to ride the roller coaster!  A cool-aid to get along and go-along, to survive. 

One thing I notice about myself, done within looking at contrasts as my behavior, is a day when I became so angry in a family situation, to the point where I could say, I could only see black within me. In that moment, being that, as in being that anger, that was that of which I speak, this form of a intense desire to resist and push away, reject and punish in a verbal way, with some find of ‘ force,’ was, in that moment, suddenly, not the place to go. Another process of elimination. In that moment, no matter what, being that intense emotional reaction, even if I was correct, was unacceptable. The subsequent sense was of not wanting to go into that kind of reaction, and yet not being clear on a more directed order , time-chronology, to move as.  I had become the skill of colored values, and in a moment, saw no real purpose within it, and yet, had not built a real purpose, with a real principle to stand as in stead, as myself.  And yet, the illusion, is that who and what I am is actually, and always is, right here. This is all an order of sorting out the focus of myself as the hyperbolized technology I accepted and allowed, and instead considering and valuing who and what I am in total. 

I did notice, at times, and was aware of , at times, of myself trying to force something onto a scenario. I was trying to force this ‘ story’ out in front of me, as a projection as a composition of ‘ stuff’ as a consequence of movements, more of making some values HUGE over others, as a ‘ thing’ right there, in the moment, in front of me. I would become increasingly more intense in forcing my storied creations out in front of me, as me. I was not even aware of how much I was doing this, as all focus was on that creation, that entity, that thing, of a picture, of ideas, that were,  inchoate.  I had the sense that this is what I was doing. Behind it, was a sense of hopelessness, that had no emotion. I would call it a ‘ hopelessness’ of truth, because there in the corners of the storm, was an awareness that what i was being had no real value. I suppose that grew, as what is within us, as what is accepted and allowed, grows, as it comes up again and again until it is bigger and unable to be denied. what one practices, works both ways. A more perfect practice, as more recognition and respect of the physical as life, would bring forth greater awareness and real effective creation and presence. My separation from the game of spewing emotional values, also had an observer of and as realizing the lack of real effect such behaviors allowed in my immediate environment.  We ll know what we do, thus there is no real excuse! 

When I really knew a piece of music, and or was comfortable in producing the sounds that made music, I could ‘ move around in it’ so-to-speak. I could tweek it, play within it. I could change values within the order or succession of sounds. It was like I could ‘ walk in it.” 

Words are the same. 

 Yesterday, while being in the presence of a projection of value judgements, all I could do, was to watch this, take a time-line from it, as the objects on which expletives as value judgements colored, and use what understanding I had, as most of what was talked about was about things far away,  and draw more effective relationships towards realizing the practical, via looking at what is right here in my world, as the very order, and lack of care for the reality around me. Meaning, realizing what is good for all things as what would improve what is here around me, as simple things, like caring for a home, having a home that is not more than what one practically needs, the state of the environment around me, the use of the environment, the degree of focus on all things, as others around me, the patterns of behavior in my local area, etc. One example of a small thing, is the realization that a young man, who walked up and down my street many times, suddenly was no longer there, and not because he had moved, because he had died of a drug overdose. What has been accepted and allowed, as an overall hyperbolization of limited values, causing storms of non-focused potential, are right outside our doors, we need only look. 

To suddenly bring all this forward, in the face of that same state of being, as I had suddenly realized, through a process of elimination, as being ineffective, yet at a loss, because of a lack of correct practice and use of myself, - to being the practical forward, with many details, as best I can, in the face of a dramatic value system, would take patience and persistence, to essentially bring forth was is more natural, as who and what we really are, before a separation into hyper-poles of judgement , creating a vortex, like an inversion of self that eats the physical substance of self,  and creates a self that does not realize life. Dis-covering in this regard, out of a mis-use of self, is to open a window, where the window was built by the self, and that outside world, was always there, as it is that life right here.

In relation to being subjected to what has become a norm, to some degree. I could see, where non-reactions towards this, and a focus into a greater and clearer order of the practical, did not feed that emotional storm. And that storm, couldn't define who I was choosing to be, as the very presence of my attention. I reality, there was no real worth within moving into that storm, and yet,  to look at it, though a practice of sorting this out remains, in some ways, I have always known what I made into a not-known. Thus, I can blame no one but myself, and even that must be forgiven, as it has no real equality and oneness with the substance of life that is right here, and always has been. 

Day 534 Seeing the patterns of administrators.

I was at a meeting last night, and I find that I react to administrators. I can bring myself back, but the reaction happened. What I find, is that the meeting with the administration has conversations where the speakers continually qualify with statements such as “ let’s be positive here, let;s find something positive” and then the conversation changes about all the “ wonderful “ things being done, which ends up taking half an hour, this period of qualification, and the time is gone.

Smoke and mirrors eating up time; a distraction, to not take the time to look at the whole and investigate consequence in total. In all it is not that the structure is bad, it is that it addresses consequence without going back to the starting point.

Then, the meeting has to come to an end because the room is only available for so long, and the janitor has to go home.

Anyway, after the administrators left, the parents came together and talked, and then there were individual conversations. Despite all the talk, when the administrators where there, that painted a picture of care and effort, the individual response of the parents was that the schools cannot do anything, they cannot take care of these children.

But at this point, the parents are enjoying the community, and talking away filled with hope, but it is a false hope, they simply found a place to vent, and that one movement of venting appears to appease, when nothing has really happened.

I, as I initially reacted, in a moment in the beginning, had to breath and slow down, and realize the physical moves in a certain way. One has to walk the steps as these steps take time. Steps taken in consideration of what has been accepted and allowed, and the movement of common sense and solution, and how a human is formed, must be stood as, unwavering.

One woman came up to me, and generally people were very friendly,  realizing the desperation of their situation. At the end, while the general meeting was going on, there was a statement made, of “ we need to look outside the box.”  All this means is that the windows are there, the understanding that solutions must be outside the existential box.  Solution is always right in front of us, it is only belief that shuts insight out. But, just as the administration clogs with details, this ability at detail, can also be used to walk outside the existential box of limitation, by using common sense and walking the details.

So, I am going to write self forgiveness on my reaction to administrators, my aggravation that i have to sit in the molasses of justification composed of details that are not good or bad, simply of a limited construct that misses overall the point of itself, and that is to build a child to enable that child to function in this world in ways that are aware within and without instead of consumed with a chaos of details that lend no awareness, in balance, of the inner structure of understanding being equal and practical in common sense of physical reality. Each part of a fabric, the fabric that is this earth, must become aware of itself as this fabric, because this is what creates a strength at each point of the fabric of earth, that is strong, insightful, steadfast, considerate, stable, in balance and directive, and as such able to move in ways that do no harm. It is the solution, and it is the way out of the chaos of pollution, poverty, economic stress, and inner turmoil.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that an administrator is a conman.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that administrators are idiots

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to lose my patience with administrators, who are people.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow my past, that had no patience, that became within statements such as “ idiot” and “ conman” to be the expression of myself as a thought, and as such to not realize that I was judging without looking at consequence and taking the time and steps to balance the detail of what is here out in ways that gave direction in understanding into and as solutions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react as a belief that I had no power to stand in common sense, simply looking at reality and the ability of men to pay attention to detail, and to realize the construct of details attended to, and to bring this back down to earth, in common sense , to direct, in detail, what walks into solution, with a stability that faces all objections within the principle of what is best for all is best for self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge another, based on limited criteria.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand when and as I find myself becoming a judgement, where I limit my perception based on ideas that build barriers and borders instead of remaining here, equal and one in common sense of physical reality, as it is here that I am as a physical being, and as such, it is only here as this that I can direct myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my judgements are based on a morality taught, a detail in relation to the cultural bubble as the place i was born, in a hegemonic system trying to control the same behavior that i have accepted and allowed that becomes blame and spite in self interest, living the days of my life in believing that a moment of venting my own accepted and allowed beliefs is a gain, when it is more of the same, as it is myself not looking to the whole and realizing that the only way out of a chaotic system of such limited inner construction that lacks connection and community with all detail of how physical existence functions, that I have separated myself from common sense, and my reactions are myself trying to force what i believe within, onto the without, which cannot work, as my existence is dependent on the physical, which, is to realize that even if one believed in a life after death, it does not matter, because at this moment I am here, a physical being here, and there is no reason not to create a world where the physical fabric of existence is of a working order that maintains and cares for this means of expression in ways that do no harm and allow full potential in all physical reality, period.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in the moment where I become heavy within physically, I am moving as a slow heavy emotion, of spite and blame as i am blaming, as in pointing out lack, and then calling it a name, instead of looking at it in it’s detail, and then instantly becoming a directive towards that detail in what would become a solution, to understand the conscious presentation of what is being looked at, used, and to take this part and place it within the whole, to balance this out in common sense, in ways that build a social fabric that is strong as each point, as each man, woman and child, being equal in measure within with the without as the physical world, as this is the way and the means of creating a social fabric that creates and supports and cares for a physical world in ways that are considerate of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an emotion of believing myself to be unworthy, as in unable to address the storm of limitation and separation as mind, composed of the conscious expression of singular detail, the subconscious the accumulation of beliefs and opinions and ideas based on family tradition - this based on generative pasts in culture, religious belief, gender divisions, class ideas, environmental developments - all of which have also created a unconscious mind that is the total limitations as divisions and limited acceptance as conquests of definitions used to define and label and direct in separation from practical reality as the physical -  accepted and allowed by men who are lost in a fantasy world of idea that has become greater than that on which it cannot live without, which is the physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to sink within as a physical sensation, where I go into judgement, as a resistance to facing here, in common sense, as I have not practiced this, as I have allowed limited self definitions and also, hide in embarrassment because on some level I am aware of what it is that I do, because I accepted and allowed limited values to define me, instead of standing in common sense of physical reality, with and as every breath of life that is the gift to allow me to express life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that my past, one of separation, defines me here, as this past is a construct of a mind consciousness system, that has manifested without, that is of the limitations of the mind, as a belief system that is not equal and one with physical existence as the means of life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed within and as addressing limitations and stagnation without, in and as believing this is tedious, when, and I use this at the moment, it is the same and one with, for example, cleaning up a messy room, to simply start taking the pieces that are out of order and organizing them into a form that allows movement with ease, and of which, can change and improve in function as one walked the ordering of one’s immediate existence realizing that each and every part is equal and one with and as me, as an expression of life, here.

When and as I find myself reacting to anything another says, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I listen, and I check to see if I am clear, and I address what has been said as the words spoken, into and as what would balance out and direct in ways that do no harm.

When and as I find myself reacting, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that the impetus of my reaction is based on my own memorized past, itself composed of ideas based on my own self interest that was built without practical consideration of physical reality, this which allows the expression of myself here as life, and I forgive this past as not in consideration of practical reality, and I walk myself back into a detail that includes the physical and how the human becomes what has been impulsed within, and I see realize and understand that this bears no witness to practical reality, and as such, the thoughts words and deeds of myself as my past, are not good and or bad, per-say, but a heresy of the past, of values in relation to survival based on an idea that I can be lost and die, when what I am as who I am is life, here, and as such there is no place to fall, but into life, the moment of expression being in awareness and equality with the physical as the manifestation of life in expression, here.

When and as I find myself within and as a sinking in my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I forgive the idea of an expectation hoped for, as being this, an idea/expectation as a desire imagined in a moment based on limited details, and I bring this back to self, and see realize and understand this construction as an emotional value and not myself equal and one here and that I am allowing and accepting to define me in separation from equality and oneness, here.

When and as I find myself inferior to here, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I listen to the details of what is presented , and I bring this back in common sense of practical reality  as what does no harm within and as understanding how the physical is a mechanistic system that is visible in form and function, and as such can be understood and directed.

When and as I find myself in fear, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I listen to the details as the idea presented and I cross reference as much as I am able, to bring the spoken detail presented into and as what aligns with the physical world in practical common sense.

When and as I find myself thinking, having the thought, as “ idiot’ of “ conman” I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that a con is not possible in a physical world as the manifestation of life, as this life is visible in form and function and as such can be walked into alignment of common sense of physical reality.

When and as I find myself believing that what has been accepted and allowed as limitations within and as men, manifest into a system, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that the consequence of this must be walked, and that the tools of self forgiveness, writing and self correction in and with cross reference with and as the physical within the principle of what is best for all, and the ability of myself as a physical being using common sense of life as the very innate nature of myself is here, and as this, with every breath, I can stop and breath, and look here, to find solutions that direct in ways that do no harm.

Day 325 Self Commitments Forgiving Labels

Within being a pre-emptive strike against potential bullying, I create scenarios in and as my mind to deal with the potential attack, and within this I spend so much time away from here, from accepting what is here as life, here in my mind, as what i allow I am in comparison, judging, labeling, assigning a fixed nature to what is here, instead of seeingmovement and breath within and as the life that is here in the various functional forms of this physical world.
Thus it is for me to breath and realize what is here and to move within and as what is best for all. As choosing anything else is creating separation from equal and one consideration of life, this which sustains and is the gift of life, as the physical world, as all that is of the physical world, this that is me.
This is to essentially “own” the physical, to become one ( own-won-one) and equal to and as this, which means being here in every moment, bringing myself here, bring back to myself all the beliefs, opinions and ideas, that are parts made huge, not to be ignored or abandoned, simply realigned as equal and one to all aspects of this physical world, to become temperate with the actual physical, to become of a forgiving temper.
Temper is “ a character of mode of thought”. Character aligned within this definition as being the mode of thought of a person. Temper is also associated with anger, and anger is reaction, in fear of loss, in belief that something is being done to someone, nothing can be done to someone unless one accepts and allows this, on an individual scale and a collective scale, what we as a collective accept and allow becomes what is done onto the physical world. Thus if we allow a belief that some can have and others not, we accept and allow abuse, as we have assigned justifications in self interest without consideration of the life that is earth, a gift. If something is not working for all of life, than the method of operation does not work and must be realigned into what works.
The characters that support usury/ debt, the representatives of life that support this, are accepting and allowing a system that by its very nature accumulates debt, and we allow them to be this through giving a few control and then the consequence we allow as this state of owing to the owning of freely given material that no one can own, an illusion. This is abuse, as within a system of usury, there are never enough chairs to sit on with each division of the value into a less than, to minimize the debt, the waste, which is essentially what the creation of more money through debt does. So with each monetary digit created, the value of the total number decreases, making it impossible for some to repay their debt, thus we all accept and allow our friends and our neighbors to fall. We cannot blame then for having worked or not worked. Some work hard and will fall, and others simply realize the system by its very nature does not work and choose to give up. Do you blame them? It is not life to play this game of abuse. And participating in it is not acceptable either. The only choice is to stand and stop it. Our present representatives are not going to do this, it is like asking a hoarder to give something up, where their “temper” their “mode of thought” is so resonant within as being a hoarder that they are consumed, like Gollum in Lord of the Rings. They have wasted away in their obsessionof consumption. That which they use is consuming them.
Just as the imaginations within and as myself, imaginations that I believe are organizing my world, when they are really survival tactics to avoid being myself here. Being myself means considering all life, within and as the principle of what is best for all. So, I have to give up chasing limited values as what was taught, because they cannot be forced onto this world as all that there is. What happens within trying to fit into limited values is a lot of friction and conflict, and this accumulates into waste, taking the physical as myself and creating an alternate entity, a lesser shadow self, encasing myself into a less than awareness, a heavy, yet thinner presence, the “thinness” unable to move here at ease, as it has not the substance to more here, thus, being equal and one here, creates an ease with here, and then here is “easier” to move on and equal to and as. From my perspective, as mind, as what i was taught, this appears a dichotomy, a contradiction, and yes, it is a contra-diction, it is contra to the dictate of the mind, the mind reflecting the accepted and allowed systemic dictates of inequality, of ownership, of usury, of a more than and less than belief system that if looked at moves within constant comparison which is the weighing of more and less, a voice of judgement. A system created by men, existing within and as ego, a belief system that one thing is more than another, a system that believes directives can be only objectified, when it is self as life as the substance of life within and as form as object, being equal and one in realizing self direction in self honesty and self responsibility with what is here as the physical, being forgiving with what is here, which is giving to what is here, without judgement of what is here into gain and loss, as it moves with how here works in common sense.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing , here, to see, realize and understand what is here, to practice being here, equal and one within and as looking here,, to when the images of protection and defense as in countering potential threats, as in what might diminish a perception of what it is that I am, within and as/according to the values within class, culture, nationality, race, role play, financial status, I stop and I breath, and I do not allow such ideas, as beliefs presented through words, to define what it is that i am and then react within changing the topic, redirecting the conversation/going off on a tangent into another subject, within this using the limited viewing of existence as how the mind functions, where playing on the fears of another, the ego of another is used as distraction, leading another through energy, through belief, opinion and idea, which is following chains of thought of limited design, as how the mind works, as knowledge and information, to direct away from my own fear, my own self interest in protection and defense, and within this to remain here, breathing, re-moving myself from mind only, into moving myself into and as sensing here, which I must do slowly, here, breathing, learning to bring myself here, equal and one to what is here, in common sense of this physical world, to remember myself here, within and as the principle of what is best for all, to take what is good, to walk what will direct what is here as earth into and as what gives what is here as form and function equal and one, self honestly, self responsibly, in self forgiveness in and as expression of life, to own self as life expression, to won self as life, to become oneness and equality in and as life here.
I commit myself to, slowing myself down, to speed myself up, to be one and equal with and as the physical, to become at ease with and as the physical to realize a reaction in and as directing what is here in self interest only, within following dictates within a system of limited design, to maintain a position of survival within a shadow world destructive of life/of the physical, to realize the potential labels I fear being voiced, is an illusion, and such labels can never be addressed if hidden, never faced if ignored, thus it is to stand, equal and one to what is here, to allow/to face the storm of separation, realizing this is not all that exists, realizing that this can only be and become what i am if I accept and allow this, and within this whole scenario, as what presently exists on earth, it is to realize that what must be walked is this process of realignment, and that there may be manytimes that I fall, yet it is the only way to learn how to walk, equal and won to and as life here.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to facing limited beliefs, opinions and ideas, accepted and allowed, existent at present here, and to breath and move in common sense of what is best for all, to take what is good, and to not react, to realize a label as judgement is a shadow and thus limited, and must not be necessarily stagnant, and within this to also listen, to see, realize and understand the directives that come from realizing the lack in limited seeing as being what has not been “looked at” and to realize what might be pointed out within directives, where both scenarios actually directly and indirectly indicate what is here within and without through nonsense of space as what is between what is illuminated/made into import and how this becomes knowledge and information only. where a reaction, a physical reaction is of vertigo, as the pattern set, habituated to the point where it takes time to realize this as what self has become, and within this to recognize this emotion, this feeling leading into a trigger of reactive behavior as loss, and/or into chasing a more than, here the desire is the happy face presentation, a sheen of an energetic bling, where the heart quickens and loses all sense of forgiveness and equal and one realization into and as being directive leading to what allows movement at ease, the heart calm, un-driving as a will of temper and in -stead with being forgiving, here.
I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down and realizing, in detail, when and as I move in seeking distraction from here.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realizing the distractions as imaginations in and as my mind, as self created barriers from being forgiving in equality and oneness to and as life here.
I commit myself to practicing accepting limited labels, name calling, delineation's, as being myself here, and within this becoming one and equal to and as these, to realize this limited value, or made huge value, can be walked into common sense, to and as what is best for all, that such labels can transform/change/move equal and one with this actual physical world, in common sense with this physical world, as the consequence of what is done with the physical world is visible.