Day 600 Not seeing the connections right in front of me. Judgements as beliefs as mind con-sciousness.

I was at this meeting; a new group. I listened to the women speak and then at the end of the meeting, began to talk individually with various women in the group.

I realize that I had, in the course of the group presentation, unconsciously picked which women I thought I should connect with initially. When the meeting ended and individual introductions began, those who I had thought I would like to speak to were not the ones who came up to me to talk with me.

When I did move to talk with the ones I wanted to talk to, I found that we had a greater distance to cover in reaching an understanding. The ones who came up to me, I had more of an ease with in coming to an understanding.  

So, I looked at this and realized that I had been moved by my class values, by my story of and as belief, which means my “ values,” my judgements, my past based on what I defined and accepted as values to define me in an action of self interest without regard for all of reality.

This was a subtle thing that I might not have noticed but that no matter with whom I talked, I realized was myself as an action  actually living in and as talking with another person and within this respecting and  being grateful for this.  This means accepting what is here, not rushing in some idea and resisting what was here in front of me.

I had spoken up during the general meeting, so those that heard some of what I had been saying are the ones who came to me. And here, I was surprised because I was off in my own ideological mind expecting something else, even though I could pull back and accept what came. It really is like moving in a train, where the train is one’s self as mind, composed of ideas, and beliefs and opinions based on my direct experiential  past and my cultural past more than awareness and acceptance of simply remaining here in practical common sense of reality, taking that which is good and does no harm, respecting the very formation of life around me.

It really is that we are rushing around in some “ haloed” ground as mind, that is of unequal measure to the practical world in which we live. It really is that we sit in a room during our childhood, looking at pictures of trees while the real tree is outside the window, breathing, moving, flowing, living. What is real, is right here in front of us, and instead we learn and accept the study of pictures about something. The perfect way to divide and conquer the imaginative capacity of our minds, that are really an abstract of what is concrete as the physical world around us. Humans have become a physical being with a halo of pictures that spin so fast - like a moving train- that reality is no longer their focus, instead an alternate reality that is very much like a television-like entity of lesser dimension yet heavy and consuming of the physical body, has come to define us. So lost in this unequal measure to that which enables us life formation, that we have lost all stability which we see in our communications and as such, our community. Our communities are so divided that we all remain neighbors who have little or no interaction. We no longer see the trees outside that are supporting us in simply being here. Our eyes acclimate to our inner pictures, over time, to such an extent, that we no longer are able to spatially see the rise of a step, and we end up tripping and falling, which we call aging, but in reality is the extent of our separation from life, which means we have never really lived equal and one with and as the formation of life, which is the physical. Within this, we can blame no one, because each of us accepted and allowed that alternate reality of limited dimension.

Thus, I must forgive my own accepted and allowed judgements of value, creating my time that is not equal to the space of here, as physical reality that enables me to exist. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use limited values and to compare using these values, in and as my mind, in separation from what is physically  here as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject that which does not fit an ideological construct as my mind based on my past, in self interest, where I have allowed myself to exist like a train running on a track as ideas, beliefs and opinions, built of words, creating pictures, and emotional feeling bodies that are in separation from myself as life as a physical state of being.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to lose my natural ability to sense space and the forms that are the physical that are life in form, here, and to abdicate my self responsibility in and as this, as this common sense ability is myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge another as less than myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge another as superior to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe I am inferior to life,

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an accumulation of values where I then believe that I am superior to another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not remain here, equal and one with and as what I am as life as the means of common sense, which is the physical.

When and as I find myself comparing myself to others, in and as a belief that one way will lead to what I believe is a way forward, thereby eliminating others, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see , realize and understand what is here, as the physical / life, and I take that which is good and does  no harm, to see, realize and understand the potential each is as life here.

When and as I find myself reacting to others, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see where I judged something as less than what I believed I wanted that was in itself based on a belief that did not consider all things, respect all things as me in another life, and I slow way down, and become present here, taking in the perspective of another, and grounding this into practical measure of physical reality, as I would like for myself, without judgement, as this is the way to remain constant within the principle of what is best for all, today, yesterday, and tomorrow.

Day 536 - The valley of the shadow of good and evil.

I went to this meeting and I noticed the diversion tactics embedded within the system to protect the money within the system and the emotional values touted again and again to fill the very space and time of the meeting. In all, this occupies that space and time as the very fabric of the expression of the humans, limiting them from realizing that it is the being of this, that does not move into problem solving.  

To confront this takes time, and also a willingness to not move with the emotional values but to take them forward into understanding such for what it is. Some may react because this means deconstructing what one is allowing as the very accepted expression, and once such is defined as character, that it is an automated response. All of which means that humans are very much like computers, if the state of understanding within, is of a value rather than a common sense of form and function, then the details of reality are not being looked at in ways that understand what we are here, as human beings, composed of sound that forms what we are as what we place our expression as the words we speak that are of what we believe within ourselves, that can not be equal to practical reality, as the very physical world that is the means of our existence.

After being at this meeting and seeing all of this, moving in very slow ways, I have to ask myself how much I am this in every moment, here. I have been working on this, but it is another thing to see this being played out, and the strength of which this is done, myself beginning to wonder where to begin to walk through this, without becoming unbalanced as in fearing to stand clear as the emotional values come my way in the form of words, as the expression of the limited program within and as the human, that is a mind consciousness of limitation.

It is like this manifests as a slowness, a thick substance that moves like molasses. It feels like a loopiness within and as me, and the thoughts in accord with this composition, as a piece rise up within me as the value judgements that I have accepted and allowed, that have no balance to practical reality. There is also the fear of leaving this behind. But in seeing this being played out in a group, where the children were being discussed, I realize the thick soup of this around me, like a mirage as an existential presence surrounding the humans, I feel like I am in an orchestra, where all the sounds are coming at me from all angles, and I am having to juggle this, but to see how this warps the very fabric of existence, to the extent that this does not flow, with ease, as that lightness that is in nature all around us.

I need not fear falling, because the only place to fall, ironically, is here, and it has always been so.

I remember, just before the death of my husband, I was so concerned, that in a moment, I asked everything to stop, I demanded it. It was such a quick moment, where it was as though a weight lifted, and in the small space in between, I realized that everything I thought was real, was not, everything that I thought mattered was not real.

In the years after the death of my husband, I had a very hard time talking with people, and I started to feel like there was something wrong with me because I felt indifferent to so much of what was coming at me.

One example, was when I talked with a mental health specialist, and they kept saying to me that the death was not my fault. I found I was upset and also, that I did not want to hear this from this person. Somehow, what this person was saying to me, was meaningless. At the same time I was afraid that if I did not agree with them that I would be considered crazy. So I became really quiet and let them talk. And anyway I could not explain what was going through my head. It was as though I could not forget that moment where I realized that what I thought mattered did not matter.

I have thoughts come up, and I realize that they are not myself being here, moving here, equal to here, and that this is how the joy of myself as life, is suppressed, because this is not myself moving here in common sense. So, when I feel loopy, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, when I feel that knowledge and information is too much, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down,  I realize that the emotions and feelings that I move into as a definition are meaningless, they serve no purpose with being here in self directive ways. That being here, means being at ease, cross referencing an understanding of practical physical reality, and that the mind consciousness system is the limitation, as the conscious is the values projected, the words revealing the character of that focus on limited values, that are not good or bad, but limited, separate from movement, from the joy of life.

I realize that the subconscious mind is the accumulation of traditions, as values based on the cultural past of the borders of definition of past practices as the order of a society that no longer, and as a starting point, is an action of being here within and as changing self to work with what is here as the physical, where in a sense there is no time, because the very substance as what is the building block of here is eternal, silent and constant.

And then, there is the overall system as the unconscious mind, the system map of what humans have accepted and allowed in separation from consideration of the physical as being as much life as the ideological form within and as the human, the two must become equal and one, which is simply to value all life, as this would be the way and the means to creating a heaven on earth, it is to accept life, no matter the form.

Thus our system is maintained by what humans accept and allow as the very from created from the substance of life, within. And if this inner form is not equal to all life, of which the physical is as much of and as, as what we are within, then  life will be in a state of separation from life. Thus, it is to equalize oneself within to the without, to realize that the physical is the way and means of equality and oneness to and as life here.

I suppose it really is like walking through the valley of the shadow of good and bad, because it is the value judgement, manifested as emotions and feelings, based on thoughts that are the intital judgement, that creates the shadows, that are composed of energy, which is like a molasses within each of us, and this molasses, has friction and conflict because it is not moving in accord with the substance or “ sound” of life, and as such this burns the flesh, eats away at it, consuming it. It is like a rod that exists in the torso, right down the middle of the back, and ironically, I remember when I was in high school, in New York City, walking on the busy streets of New York, thinking that there was something in the backs of all people.

But if we are not taught to realize that what we create within, if it is not equal to accepting all life, of which the physical world is, then we exist in separation, and that separation is inequality to accepting all life and it exists as imaginations that manifest as characters, that are voiced as the words we know, impulsed with values,  maintaining the illusion, that is self in the valley of good and evil, walking on the very ground of the means of life, which is the physical world.

It was interesting, because I got into my car after this meeting, and driving home, emotional values came popping up in and as what i have accepted and allowed, and I could not accept them, I could not continue what was going on in this meeting. As such the burning in my legs, stopped, I would not allow myself to go there, it is unacceptable. Within this I have to be very careful and vigilant, because my habits as my character are automated. 

But then again, it is as desteni has said, once the veil has been seen, even in small measure, there is no going back, there is only one place to go, and that is to walk the process of self forgiveness, writing and corrective application, to realize self as life, equal and one to here. It is the only choice.