What we are, is right in front of us. What have we accumulated ? Day 754

I remember this concert I did in college. I played this very modern piece, that had no conventional melody as we are accustomed to. IT had multiple time signatures, so one had to change one sense of space in the beat almost every other measure. It really demanded being stable and changing up the space.

After playing this piece many times, in rehearsals and in performances, I had a moment where I realized the piece was not anything I had ever played. I saw it as more of a construction of forms in space. Meaning, it was more like walking around in a shape. One time while performing it, I felt that I as walking in someone’s kitchen. To me, it was like the composer was trying to compose a memory from his past. 

I had forgotten about this, until I, this week saw a video of a holograph of the parts of the physical human body, where one could take the computer generated imagery and either have the whole from the outer visuals, peel them away, or click them away, to see the layers of the systems that compose the human physical body. I thought that it would be cool if we could do that with trees and forests and oh! so may things.

I also have been looking at stories. My mother had said she can’t read history without it being in the context of a story. I asked myself why this is, why for some it is difficult to read the story line of history directly, and that need a context of a story to absorb history. Perhaps, it is that they need the events of history placed in a context more on the ground, more in the scenario of daily life, to make it more real? Makes sense in a way.

Also, I was looking at writing out time lines of the composition of what I have allowed and accepted within and as me, as thoughts of ideas, opinions, beliefs, shadowing wants, desires and needs, a story of information that becomes a resonance as it accumulated and leads to emotional/feeling bodies composing a personality, that directs me, influences my actions, as the information in the machine that is me. I am looking at this, my composition, and the ability of technology to show the real physical storied/layered form, and how humans needs compositions of stories in a more grounded context. And, what happened with the piece of music I played years ago, ( there are some others too) that was so different from what I had culturally been exposed to. Somehow, all of this creates a picture of how we work, of what we have allowed, and of the potential inherent in all of these parts. After all, in the arts, one of the things one achieves, is to see the sum of the parts all moving together. This means that one is processing all those parts, with ease, because one had intimacy with them.  It is somewhat like what is necessary in playing a musical instrument, where one must check within one’s self the body, and the music, the smallest being checked and the whole, even out to the audience. THIs is, as I see it, a more correct use of the imagination, the ability to ‘ move through the eye of the needle’ and see the forms around one, the living physical compositions around one. 

What we humans have done, is gotten stuck in a resonant emotional feeling body, that defines us, as we cannot see what we don’t know, what we have not consciously allowed ourselves to sense, to feel, to realize. What we have not allowed ourselves to practice. I mean, there i a school in India where children learn to use a sense, of sensing with presence, ( as what I call this here) objects in front of them blind folded! All these things that are here, showing us to ourselves, our capacity is so right in front of us. 

In this state we are in conflict , meaning it is so unequal to here, that we are, in a way, from my perspective at the moment, so resistant, to ‘ in holding’ of our construction,  to what is here, to the real storied information that is the physical that is the instrument, that is the means of expression as life. I mean, imagine being able to be in synch with the forms around us, as what I experienced on probably a lesser level, with the music,  imagine being able to sense the sound formations of the trees and all that is in the forest, to know this so well, that one can pan in and pan out and also sense the whole and the parts in a quantum way? Imagine walking in the music of life, that is the physical here? Imagine, instead of being in fear, in tension, in anxiety, in resistance - because it is work to resist this!-  being in synch, as ease, with the forms around us, and using one’s senses to become intimate with the math as the forms as the stories of inform, as the physical here, as the forests and all that composes this living reality, the real story? I mean, on another level, why are we fed so many pre hyper-sexualised failure tales from day one, that are read, again and again, and again and again, made into movies, with songs to memorize etc. etc.? Why are we not taught to be in sense and awareness of what is the living fabric of reality all around us? Why do we not become the ‘ father rejoicing in the son, and the son rejoicing in the father” Why do the words exist, as ‘ though I walk in the valley of the shadow of good and evil, I see no evil’ ? What does that mean in relation to what  I am saying?  Is it not the image and likeness of how a separation from life would be, as this also pictures the lack of presence and processing of what is right under our feet? LOOK! 

I mean, why are our children placed in  box, where words are so slowed down, moving in such a stagnant manner, where we practice using those words, those notes those sounds to memorize a picture, a form, and abstract, that is so removed from the physical world around us, and done as memory, which is in meter and tempo and time, incredibly slow! Remember, we become what we practice, and thus, if our rhythm is of a certain tempo, and we repeat that again and again, we become that tempo. Like a hamster on a wheel we acclimate to that tempo, and then we get stuck in the resonance we generate as it, and become just like a train running on a track no longer able to see what is real right outside the window. Would this fit into the idea proposed so long ago, of walking in a valley of the shadow of good and evil, a resonant construction  caught in its own web? I would say, yes, this is what we humans have been doing for a very long time. It is time to deconstruct this, and accept ourselves as life, and stand here, to accumulate a presence in reality, in this physical symphony called life, to understand it so well, that we see the parts and the whole, and can move into the layers, and UNDERSTAND it, and then work with it, be in synch with it, and sing life! 

The means are all around us, we can use technology to do this, to help us. Nothing is all bad or good. We can transform this world into real living, into the life it was meant to be, as we are the most perfect of forms to do this.  We must step outside of a limited resonance, and begin to process here, to be able to process our words, our sound formations, our notes with greater mastery, and use who and what we are to sense what is here, all around us, until we are all, as no one can be left behind, in balance, in the real song, seeing the real story, of and as the physical.  We can, realize the sum and the parts of our resonant mis-take on reality, and correct this to then step by step, as this is how things work, to see, realize and understand the sound of life in expression in form, all around us, and we can use technology to help us to accumulate actions/movements towards this. It is time to get our processing speeds moving, deconstructing what we have allowed, and rebuilding through, and this can happen at the same time ( I wonder) refocus onto the parts and the whole, and develop an ability to sense the sums and the parts until we are in equality and oneness with what is here, as the living form all around us.  We are, in essence, life. 

Day 676 Becoming aware of emotional/feeling bodies on my physical body. Who am I within Presence?

Lately, I have noticed while interacting with others, that a moment can happen that appears like a swoon, as how I want to describe it. It happened specifically while sitting with another person, where I noticed their body swung in my direction and they laughed. It appeared like a movement coming towards me, one that I could respond to or not.

I also noticed this week, that while I was talking to a group, that within scanning the group, I had a couple of imagination/voices/ideas come up in relation to some of the people in the group.

What corrective statements I have written out within walking the destini i process helped me to ground myself back into what I was doing.

These imagination/voices/projections were not myself being present and focused on the context of what I was doing. These inner projections/voices/idea ‘ entities’ had nothing to do with myself and were not the ground on which I stood in that moment.

I could begin to see this effect on my body, as it was as though that ‘ swoon’ was around me as me, I reminded myself where I was, and who I was and what I was doing in that moment.

I realize I was in the process of balancing out the mind, physical and self, to ground myself in being present. 

I is interesting as what helps me within this, is my musical training. Why? Within playing in a group, one must learn to extend one’s presence to the other sounds as all the instruments in the group. They are a moving measure, intertwined and formed. This helps myself, as what I am doing, remain balanced within the whole. Within this, I am myself, and I am all the other parts too. If I separate from this awareness, I begin to lose my sense of place. I cannot blame anything around me, as it is my self responsibility to remain grounded in the moment. Nothing can distract me unless I accept and allow it. And, since I can sense the parts and the whole, and move within this, checking this and checking that within and without, my capacity has no bounds unless I limited this presence. I determine my focus, my presence.  

This presence, is so fluid, that it can sense when I am not focused, it can sense what I am being, what I am allowing within myself. It can sense what moves through the mind, as the thoughts as the back chats and the imaginations and the projections, just as I did when speaking to a group. None of this comes from without, it comes from within. Yet, as in sitting with another in close proximity, I can notice a change in the person, the parts of which is the details I may not pick up, and yet I can understand that this is the same as myself, a momentary projection directing the experience. Even this need not define who and what I am.

Within this, I, before walking the process of self forgiveness, writing and self correction as the very measure of me as thoughts, words and deeds,  very often complained about the spatial awareness of people around me.  As an adult, I often wondered as to why the adults around me and my friends were losing their spatial awareness. This manifested in my friends and strangers not being able to do the simplest of tasks that required spatial ability. It was one of the questions that was always there. 

In an interview on Eqafe,  emotional and feeling body effects are likened to a train running on tracks on the earth’s surface. When we are near the train moving on tracks, we can feel the vibrations of the train through the earth’s surface.  Those thoughts/imagination/projections as ideas, beliefs and opinions, that are polarized into emotions and feelings as fearing some form can define me, and/or running to some form as an idea can define/promise, are not myself being present here. In effect, they are what separates myself from expressing myself in normal ways here.  It really begins to be like walking through the valley of shadows, and the ‘ shadows ‘ can be sensed just as the reverberations of the train moving along the tracks through the earth.

Such ephemeral shadows, can be a gift. These ephemeral presences that rush and dissipate as they have no real presence, can be grounded back into what is normal, as being present here, within the means to self direct as that which senses this, as that which senses the physical world around me! 

Thus, I can, in every moment, ground myself in what is normal, in the practice of being present here, no longer allowing judgments about a good or a bad to define who and what I am, as the practice of being myself here is expressing consideration for all things within what I would want for myself . This is respecting all things as the physical world, being equal and one with and as it. to direct my actions in ways that do no harm. 

Emotional and Feeling Energy is created by your Mind Conscious System.  Are you running towards empty as memorized mis-takes on reality, as self judgements, or are you here, present, living, breathing, calm?  

Day 600 Not seeing the connections right in front of me. Judgements as beliefs as mind con-sciousness.

I was at this meeting; a new group. I listened to the women speak and then at the end of the meeting, began to talk individually with various women in the group.

I realize that I had, in the course of the group presentation, unconsciously picked which women I thought I should connect with initially. When the meeting ended and individual introductions began, those who I had thought I would like to speak to were not the ones who came up to me to talk with me.

When I did move to talk with the ones I wanted to talk to, I found that we had a greater distance to cover in reaching an understanding. The ones who came up to me, I had more of an ease with in coming to an understanding.  

So, I looked at this and realized that I had been moved by my class values, by my story of and as belief, which means my “ values,” my judgements, my past based on what I defined and accepted as values to define me in an action of self interest without regard for all of reality.

This was a subtle thing that I might not have noticed but that no matter with whom I talked, I realized was myself as an action  actually living in and as talking with another person and within this respecting and  being grateful for this.  This means accepting what is here, not rushing in some idea and resisting what was here in front of me.

I had spoken up during the general meeting, so those that heard some of what I had been saying are the ones who came to me. And here, I was surprised because I was off in my own ideological mind expecting something else, even though I could pull back and accept what came. It really is like moving in a train, where the train is one’s self as mind, composed of ideas, and beliefs and opinions based on my direct experiential  past and my cultural past more than awareness and acceptance of simply remaining here in practical common sense of reality, taking that which is good and does no harm, respecting the very formation of life around me.

It really is that we are rushing around in some “ haloed” ground as mind, that is of unequal measure to the practical world in which we live. It really is that we sit in a room during our childhood, looking at pictures of trees while the real tree is outside the window, breathing, moving, flowing, living. What is real, is right here in front of us, and instead we learn and accept the study of pictures about something. The perfect way to divide and conquer the imaginative capacity of our minds, that are really an abstract of what is concrete as the physical world around us. Humans have become a physical being with a halo of pictures that spin so fast - like a moving train- that reality is no longer their focus, instead an alternate reality that is very much like a television-like entity of lesser dimension yet heavy and consuming of the physical body, has come to define us. So lost in this unequal measure to that which enables us life formation, that we have lost all stability which we see in our communications and as such, our community. Our communities are so divided that we all remain neighbors who have little or no interaction. We no longer see the trees outside that are supporting us in simply being here. Our eyes acclimate to our inner pictures, over time, to such an extent, that we no longer are able to spatially see the rise of a step, and we end up tripping and falling, which we call aging, but in reality is the extent of our separation from life, which means we have never really lived equal and one with and as the formation of life, which is the physical. Within this, we can blame no one, because each of us accepted and allowed that alternate reality of limited dimension.

Thus, I must forgive my own accepted and allowed judgements of value, creating my time that is not equal to the space of here, as physical reality that enables me to exist. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use limited values and to compare using these values, in and as my mind, in separation from what is physically  here as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject that which does not fit an ideological construct as my mind based on my past, in self interest, where I have allowed myself to exist like a train running on a track as ideas, beliefs and opinions, built of words, creating pictures, and emotional feeling bodies that are in separation from myself as life as a physical state of being.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to lose my natural ability to sense space and the forms that are the physical that are life in form, here, and to abdicate my self responsibility in and as this, as this common sense ability is myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge another as less than myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge another as superior to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe I am inferior to life,

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an accumulation of values where I then believe that I am superior to another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not remain here, equal and one with and as what I am as life as the means of common sense, which is the physical.

When and as I find myself comparing myself to others, in and as a belief that one way will lead to what I believe is a way forward, thereby eliminating others, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see , realize and understand what is here, as the physical / life, and I take that which is good and does  no harm, to see, realize and understand the potential each is as life here.

When and as I find myself reacting to others, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see where I judged something as less than what I believed I wanted that was in itself based on a belief that did not consider all things, respect all things as me in another life, and I slow way down, and become present here, taking in the perspective of another, and grounding this into practical measure of physical reality, as I would like for myself, without judgement, as this is the way to remain constant within the principle of what is best for all, today, yesterday, and tomorrow.