Day 542 Self forgiveness on looking for a purpose.

I had a long talk with a woman today. It was fun, because she had realized that the people in her world, were not using their common sense. She could see this all around her, and that herself trying to resolve this all the time was pointless, meaning she had to be true to herself. This was common sense. She had to let go of guilt, of believing she was bad because she was no longer supporting others in ways that she had her whole life. It was time to do what was best for her. And if others did not like this, then tough.

This does not mean she shut people out, it just means that she communicated, but when the communication as what she attempted to say in common sense, was not what was wanted, and the other reacted, she simply walked away.

I was with others last night, it being Easter. And at one point I noticed I reacted because the response was contrary to what I wanted to express. I slowed down and allowed the other to speak, afterwards, simply because of the rhythm of the evening, I did not take what was said and follow through. But this happens, so I just let it go.

I am dealing with what I call a point of being responsible. Meaning simply being within practical reality, where I do not need to coerce, as what is practical and functional, is right here. It needs no justification. It simply means to walk how here, as this physical existence works - of which the only solution is to do what is best for all, and that this is what is best for self.

I notice a resistance to this, as though failure to convey this, will show up in failure. That consequences down the line will be because there is still a pull to want to fit in. But fitting in is an illusion, because I am here on a mechanistic world, that is an order that allowed life to exist.

So, nature is a naturally organizing system, it is the idea of more, that separates men from what enables life, which is the physical world.

If this very simple realization becomes the understanding of men, this whole world will change very fast. Somehow, that which is simple is lost, and the discord of beliefs of more and less, complicate, and it is this complication that is causing the loss of common sense. Everyone is lost in their own self interest, their inner rest of ideas that have been made more than the life that is here around us.

So, in having this idea, that I have to succeed, I begin to race and become moralistic, within wanting to explain reality. I had wanted to explain that one way was more than the way this other person believed was okay.

Really, there was nothing right or wrong about what was stated. The structure as the belief, was not good or bad, it was how this is realized practically at the moment within a system that in total is in separation from common sense.

That I tell myself that I am not responsible for others, means that I still feel responsible, because I am at war within myself about this. I cannot be here if I am still feeling that I need some validation from others, that there is something I am supposed to do, which I now realize has been a thought that I have had in life. This thought that “ there is something I am supposed to do.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that “ there is something I am supposed to do.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is a problem, and within this to have this thought that “ there is something I am supposed to do.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that having a belief, as a thought, that “ there is something I am supposed to do” is myself believing that i am special, in some way, that I have some purpose, where if I look at this, this idea of a purpose, is ambiguous, and has no real grounding here with reality, it is something, like a ghostly entity that i have as mind  about reality, and as this, I allow myself to chase a metaphysical idea about having a purpose, instead of realizing myself equal and one to and as , with here, reality, standing in common sense as what I am as a human being, here, and as such, this, simply, is my “ purpose.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a memory of myself believing that there is something I am supposed to understand, something that I am supposed to grasp and understand, as myself as a child, talking and interacting with adults.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine if I could just get the point, as what is being said to me in the past as my childhood then I would understand the purpose being taught to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become anxious within and as this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have this slight movement within and as me, this anxiety, where I believe that there is some purpose, something that I must understand as a belief that I don;t understand, and as such am not seeing the purpose which is overall not real, and I keep trying to make this separation as an idea, real, when this remains here as an idea within and as me, because it really has no substance, and as such no place to go, because it has no connection, no reality to it, because it is in separation from practical reality, as being here, equal and one, with and as what i am as the form of me, as a man on earth, reveals the purpose of myself as life formation, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to sense the measure of myself here, as this, as within this I divide the very focus of me, as the substance of me, as the common sense of me, into an image that has no real definition or ability to sustain, because it cannot, because what is real, is that which is physically manifest , which is the physical world, as this is the gift of creation, the form of life, which is to include all life, where life is the value, and work with this as the very fabric of what enables life to be, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not look here, and see that this thought - has no bearing on life other than separation leading to destruction if made more real than the physical - and it is just this a thought that hovers, here, endlessly, because it is in separation, is not equal to me as life, connected to reality as the physical, the way and means of being in life expression here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is some purpose I must seek and find, when I cannot move, unless i am here, as the physical is what gives purpose,as the physical is life, thus, I can only be the purpose of life, in equality and oneness with and as the physical world here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the back chat within this context of this thought, “ it must be here”, “ if I can only see the purpose of myself,” “ if I only understood more than I would find my purpose,” not seeing realizing and understanding that this purpose seeking is just this, purpose seeking, and as such my mind traveling in some alternate reality, and not myself here, equal and one with and as the physical which is how and what i am here, able to be and express myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that somehow, i missed the train, because this question in and as my mind that is myself wondering around life “ Hans guck in die Luft” is a state of being that is in separation from practical common sense reality of what it means to exist in expression as life, as life must have form to be in expression here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then, at times become the thought - as I attempt to create an ideological “ purpose” to believe that no one understands me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have backchat that no one understands me, which within this voice in and as my mind, this back chat, is myself allowing myself to spin around in an idea of needing a purpose and as such believing that if I had a purpose, then I would be successful or have meaning, all of this, a separation from practical common sense reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as anxiety within and as this, as though I may be less than, because I have not discovered some purpose, and that others may find out and realize that I have no purpose, to which I blame myself because I did not, for example, “ work hard “ enough to have found my purpose.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that somehow I did not work hard enough to “ find my purpose.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be this belief, creating a physical anxiety  that “ If only - then - I could find my purpose, everything would be fine.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I have not found myself “ purpose” I will have failed at life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a feeling of shame, at this thought about purpose, where i believe that I failed life, because I did not find my purpose.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to hide, based on this idea, as this thought “ that i had to find my purpose.”

I forgive myself for allowing and and accepting myself to believe that my purpose if to “ save the world,” which is to exist as a belief that the world needs to be saved and that somehow my purpose is to be this, when this is the separation, in and as an idea in and as my mind, that is the being of myself moving away from common sense, which is to be equal and one to and as the physical as the physical is the purpose of life in expression.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this belief in purpose, is myself allowing myself to become anxious, feeling heavy and crestfallen as I judge myself having failed my purpose, which is overall the illusion and as this illusion as belief, myself in separation from what is right here in front of me, which is life in expression as an order, within and as what works information, which is the physical, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, conversely  fear not having a purpose.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that allowing myself to exist as this idea of purpose, as this thought that “ if only I could find my purpose, or the purpose of life,” I am ignoring what is right here in front of me, hidden behind my own self interest of wanting more than what is here in common sense as physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become physically crest fallen, in and as an idea that I have not found my “ purpose.”

When and as I find myself tensing up within conversations, and or community, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see , realize and understand that this physical sense of my “ crest” falling, is myself reacting based on a belief, and as such, myself not being equal and one, in common sense of physical reality.

When and as I find myself having a thought about “ purpose,” I stop and I breath and i bring myself here, and I see, realize and understand that the purpose of life is simply right here, as the physical, information as life, as the order and structure of the physical is the gift of life, here.

When and as I find myself becoming anxious, in and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I bring myself here, equal and one with and as the physical to see , realize and understand that the purpose is life, here.

When and as I find myself believing that there is a “ more” than, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that if I am occupied as mind as a thought that “ I must have a purpose” that I am no longer, here, focused, equal and one, with and as the physical.

Day 541 The MAZING mind.

I am dealing with a family that has problems with their children. I have talked with both parents and the child. Having watched so many children, specifically read, their body movements, the way their eyes move, where the very music of them stutters, I look at the child speaking with me, I ask some questions, just to get him to speak, so I can hear the words, see how he moves, like when I taught children violin. I had to watch to see if the form, as their bodies, was in alignment, balanced, and how they were moving as the blocks as the notes, because when one reads music, one see the patterns as blocks, and takes in the form of this. Playing the violin takes an awareness of many angles, and to get this to come out in balance as a child, takes some “ reconfiguring.” One has to know where things are not flowing, even within. With reading and speaking it really is no different.

I listen to this boy. I speak with his parents. I notice there is spoken agreement. But, when it comes time to organize, nothing.  It is like seeing a seed emerge and then no capacity to follow through. the whole scenario will be sabotaged with this action. But then, this is somehow understood because they had reached out and come to me.  The only thing is to call this out and walk the limitations in the way, direct through this, make it plain, and either the action is taken or not. I feel responsible for the steps that would lead to self responsibility. But the maze appears too much to me.

So, I find myself going into planning, emotional planning, to face what comes. I remember that everything was analyzed in my family, about every single action one made in various situations. Then the fault line was pointed out.  The verbal punishment ensued, the reprimand. I felt that i was trapped because the questions came at me, where i was caught in answering but never allowed to ask the questions.  Perhaps, as I became older, I then started to ask more questions, or bring up more variables, as is natural, but then used this, when successes had been made, as a way and a means of deflecting the whole situation so as to pre-empt where I for saw within the event the fault line. So, I got caught up in a game of avoidance tactics, smoke and mirrors, using my sense of space and time to  build my own castle walls. This is like consuming an ability in very narrow and limited ways, instead of using this to actually see the totality of what is here that would bring one to act in such “ mazing” ways ( yes, why do we just use the word amazing and not the word “ mazing” When in effect this is what really happens. )

This brings me back to the boy and his parents within whom I am interacting at the moment.

I am dealing with the “mazing” that is the same as what i have done, even though the specifics are perhaps of slightly different measure. But, somehow, there is awareness of this “ mazing” effect, this self sabotage.  We are not seeing that, just as with learning to play the violin, we create what we are within, and we are responsible for what we create within, and what we create within becomes our tool of measure in reaction the the world. What each must realize is that every one of us is doing this, were we not, were the balance of each human more on the side of consideration and respect for this world, then our system would be more a system of care for this life, and since it is not, the majority of us, that have jobs and a roof over our heads, are more than likely a mazing of  avoidance in being honest and as such, enjoying, really enjoying, being here, interacting with this reality. Instead we are caught up in our own heaven and hell fantasy in and as our minds, we are not being direct and equal to reality, realizing our mis-takes, as only this, as a process of learning to become life,  we are hiding, using that which enables us to respond and measure the outside world, and building an inner maze that has forgotten to enjoy what we are in essence doing as beings on earth, which is to learn, to enjoy, becoming functioning beingness with this world.

I find, within this realization, that my back is screaming. Like standing and being clear, will end up causing reactions, but I would want someone to be patient with me if I had become this, I would want that non-reaction as ego if I were in the other’s shoes. I would want the slow and careful patience which was given to me at times in my life that allowed me the space, that even showed me the space to see my own movements, my own measures, to realize them and then add more awareness to my own mazing actions so that I could begin to move with ease, which is to move with humility, humbleness, patience, and self honesty and actually begin to enjoy being here because it is here that I am life.

Stop and Look at your own mind constructions, built over time, where the forest is no longer seen through the trees. To begin the journey is free. DIPLite. And free Eqafe.com Interviews. Become the patience you would want for yourself.

Day 536 - The valley of the shadow of good and evil.

I went to this meeting and I noticed the diversion tactics embedded within the system to protect the money within the system and the emotional values touted again and again to fill the very space and time of the meeting. In all, this occupies that space and time as the very fabric of the expression of the humans, limiting them from realizing that it is the being of this, that does not move into problem solving.  

To confront this takes time, and also a willingness to not move with the emotional values but to take them forward into understanding such for what it is. Some may react because this means deconstructing what one is allowing as the very accepted expression, and once such is defined as character, that it is an automated response. All of which means that humans are very much like computers, if the state of understanding within, is of a value rather than a common sense of form and function, then the details of reality are not being looked at in ways that understand what we are here, as human beings, composed of sound that forms what we are as what we place our expression as the words we speak that are of what we believe within ourselves, that can not be equal to practical reality, as the very physical world that is the means of our existence.

After being at this meeting and seeing all of this, moving in very slow ways, I have to ask myself how much I am this in every moment, here. I have been working on this, but it is another thing to see this being played out, and the strength of which this is done, myself beginning to wonder where to begin to walk through this, without becoming unbalanced as in fearing to stand clear as the emotional values come my way in the form of words, as the expression of the limited program within and as the human, that is a mind consciousness of limitation.

It is like this manifests as a slowness, a thick substance that moves like molasses. It feels like a loopiness within and as me, and the thoughts in accord with this composition, as a piece rise up within me as the value judgements that I have accepted and allowed, that have no balance to practical reality. There is also the fear of leaving this behind. But in seeing this being played out in a group, where the children were being discussed, I realize the thick soup of this around me, like a mirage as an existential presence surrounding the humans, I feel like I am in an orchestra, where all the sounds are coming at me from all angles, and I am having to juggle this, but to see how this warps the very fabric of existence, to the extent that this does not flow, with ease, as that lightness that is in nature all around us.

I need not fear falling, because the only place to fall, ironically, is here, and it has always been so.

I remember, just before the death of my husband, I was so concerned, that in a moment, I asked everything to stop, I demanded it. It was such a quick moment, where it was as though a weight lifted, and in the small space in between, I realized that everything I thought was real, was not, everything that I thought mattered was not real.

In the years after the death of my husband, I had a very hard time talking with people, and I started to feel like there was something wrong with me because I felt indifferent to so much of what was coming at me.

One example, was when I talked with a mental health specialist, and they kept saying to me that the death was not my fault. I found I was upset and also, that I did not want to hear this from this person. Somehow, what this person was saying to me, was meaningless. At the same time I was afraid that if I did not agree with them that I would be considered crazy. So I became really quiet and let them talk. And anyway I could not explain what was going through my head. It was as though I could not forget that moment where I realized that what I thought mattered did not matter.

I have thoughts come up, and I realize that they are not myself being here, moving here, equal to here, and that this is how the joy of myself as life, is suppressed, because this is not myself moving here in common sense. So, when I feel loopy, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, when I feel that knowledge and information is too much, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down,  I realize that the emotions and feelings that I move into as a definition are meaningless, they serve no purpose with being here in self directive ways. That being here, means being at ease, cross referencing an understanding of practical physical reality, and that the mind consciousness system is the limitation, as the conscious is the values projected, the words revealing the character of that focus on limited values, that are not good or bad, but limited, separate from movement, from the joy of life.

I realize that the subconscious mind is the accumulation of traditions, as values based on the cultural past of the borders of definition of past practices as the order of a society that no longer, and as a starting point, is an action of being here within and as changing self to work with what is here as the physical, where in a sense there is no time, because the very substance as what is the building block of here is eternal, silent and constant.

And then, there is the overall system as the unconscious mind, the system map of what humans have accepted and allowed in separation from consideration of the physical as being as much life as the ideological form within and as the human, the two must become equal and one, which is simply to value all life, as this would be the way and the means to creating a heaven on earth, it is to accept life, no matter the form.

Thus our system is maintained by what humans accept and allow as the very from created from the substance of life, within. And if this inner form is not equal to all life, of which the physical is as much of and as, as what we are within, then  life will be in a state of separation from life. Thus, it is to equalize oneself within to the without, to realize that the physical is the way and means of equality and oneness to and as life here.

I suppose it really is like walking through the valley of the shadow of good and bad, because it is the value judgement, manifested as emotions and feelings, based on thoughts that are the intital judgement, that creates the shadows, that are composed of energy, which is like a molasses within each of us, and this molasses, has friction and conflict because it is not moving in accord with the substance or “ sound” of life, and as such this burns the flesh, eats away at it, consuming it. It is like a rod that exists in the torso, right down the middle of the back, and ironically, I remember when I was in high school, in New York City, walking on the busy streets of New York, thinking that there was something in the backs of all people.

But if we are not taught to realize that what we create within, if it is not equal to accepting all life, of which the physical world is, then we exist in separation, and that separation is inequality to accepting all life and it exists as imaginations that manifest as characters, that are voiced as the words we know, impulsed with values,  maintaining the illusion, that is self in the valley of good and evil, walking on the very ground of the means of life, which is the physical world.

It was interesting, because I got into my car after this meeting, and driving home, emotional values came popping up in and as what i have accepted and allowed, and I could not accept them, I could not continue what was going on in this meeting. As such the burning in my legs, stopped, I would not allow myself to go there, it is unacceptable. Within this I have to be very careful and vigilant, because my habits as my character are automated. 

But then again, it is as desteni has said, once the veil has been seen, even in small measure, there is no going back, there is only one place to go, and that is to walk the process of self forgiveness, writing and corrective application, to realize self as life, equal and one to here. It is the only choice.