Anyway, in New York, I was at a disco and that spring I had started to take valiums on the weekends, I had stopped playing the violin, just enough to get by. One night, and this is something, a memory, that i refer back to a lot even before desteni, I am sitting in the hood of a car on a New York city street and the bouncer - who we are friends with- comes around with the pills, I stop, I look at him, I look at the pill in his hand, I say no and walk away. I go home and that is the end of this life. I remember thinking, “ this is not life, this is not what i choose” which is interesting because when I found M, the words in my head, the thought that i had, was “ how can this be life?” “ Why is this a choice”
Walking down the street in New York I also remember looking at the backs of people, I have no clear thought here, I just remember walking around looking at the posture and backs of people, this is just something that was always there, like an undercurrent question, like “ something is there” unformed but present.
After leaving the “ social/modeling” scene I spent time alone and I felt awkward being alone. I even went to the movies alone. I think I had the thought that I am alone. I did not know where to go, I just knew I did not want to be in “ that scene”.
I did not talk with my parents about any of this. We had two apartments in New York, my parents had one, and my sisters and I had another. And with my “ new” brother” it was like it was two separate worlds, going to my parents apartment felt like I was invading their space, and my father was emotionally unstable, the slightest thing seemed to “ set him off” so we stayed away, and I think my mother was so engrossed in my brother and work she simply did not have the time to pay attention to my sisters and i. She was there, she would check on us, but she was no longer as watchful as she had been.
So, my “ righteousness” about the system started here, during this period, high school. And the fear when deciding to do something, right or wrong” started here, as this shaky feeling when I decided not to participate in the test score scam. And the rage at this one modeling party where I had accompanied my sister and started to speak out really loudly at the party and made the modeling people angry, and that was the end of that, my sister was told I could no longer accompany her. I can’t even remember what I did, i just remember being in the bathroom feeling really frustrated.
And then this “ being alone” not wanting to go back and not knowing where to go. I eventually found a “ new friend” and we would read plays and wonder around New York. Her family life was a mess. But I won’t go into this here. I did not like going to her loft in soho, because it was a mess, and her mother, who had evidently written for the VillageVoice in it feminist hey day, had lost it, she spent her days wondering around New York buying used clothes and hanging them on garment district racks that were in the apartment. I remember her brother kicking his Hispanic girl friend like she was a “ dog” one day. SO, here basicallyI went from one set of abusive behaviors to another. I think the shock of, “ is this really happening’ numbs me at first and then I realize I have to get myself out of this situation, it is unacceptable.
It is like this with this man I dated. He would stare at women, really looking possessed. Like he was hot “ here”. One time he said to me, don’t mind me I am just being a man.” Iaccepted this, thought I had to be patient, but this was not acceptable, for him and /or for me. I had to leave even thought i did not want to, even though I tried to talk about it with him.
I tried to explain this in different ways, and what happened is that he got mad, and started to be more distant from me. That was the answer. More hiding.
It is like we all see what is going on, but if we try an talk about it there is push back. Even if this is done in calm , with gentleness, there is reaction, as though letting go ofaddictions/ideas is tantamount to death. lol
So, this is what there is to forgive, within and without, as the allowance and acceptance in separation from here into and as a mind imagination, a fantasy, a dream scape, this is what is “backing” man, this is the MCS.
So, our fantasies are hiding our fears. And somehow I make this fantastic, and it need not be, there is the ability of myself to see this in common sense without the ambiguity of unaware space. I jump from the systemic patterns that I have seen, blaming the system without looking at the monetary side of this. Later in my twenties I happened on a book about soils, I thought it was a novel and it was about the earth, here I realized that systems were not doing what was best for the soil, and this lead into something else that started in high school - that I could not eat sugar- this and the book about soils, lead into paying more and more attention to food and health, which lead me to the point where I realized the medical industry was not concerned with health, they were concerned with profits. I had read some conspiracy theories that the governments wanted to decrease the population. And though this might have been true and/or is true, going around saying this to the people in my world was not going to work, it would not be believed.
It was not too long after Kevin Trudeau and another company that was using resonant projections from a machine, modeling homeopathy that I found desteni. This is all another level of what brought me here. The side of the behaviors around me, instead of the “ white light’ inner things going on.
I/we have to go beyond limited understandings in order to realize what is actually happening here. So, ambiguity has to be walked into understanding through forgiveness to what is here as how the physical functions. Within allowing ambiguities to warp us into a cognitive dissonance, making connections that are limited, mapped into mind, and the outcome is a lack of common sense.
The fantasy world of our desires, are our escapes, our escapades into mind, of lesser understanding, limited insight, this has to be brought back here, down to earth. The form of earth is many men on the surface of this earth. It is many men, together who organize this earth, thus a separating/dividing system would voice the idea of a superhero, a “ one” that would come and solve all the problems on earth, because this would create those questioning, the human who is able to realize something is “not right” into a state of waiting. Thus the idea of a super hero, a savior, is to have the human wait for a change coming from one thing despite the common sense of the form on earth of many men working together as how things are done and organized. The being of self as wanting a superhero, a “ one” is self lost in a fantasy as an idea that waiting is okay. Thus “ waiting” is an indoctrination, a by product of the belief system of there being a ‘One” or a super hero. The collective as the human, as man is the “One” that can reorganize this world into all being able to understand the life that we are composed of, which is more than able to self realize because this is what we are! Duh.
Why would Monsanto want what it does to be hidden, using “trade secrets “ and patent “laws” to say that its information is “ private”. It cannot be private if the effects are public! And the fact that this information is being hidden, has the supposed “ need” to be hidden, as non transparent, is saying loud and clear that there is omission, that what is being done within these hidden practices is not what is best for all. If something were non destructive in any way, it would not need to be hidden. Thus the behavior of Monsanto is revealing its awareness of its abuse and the effects it will have on the public.
This, in tandem with the collectively believed idea of a superhero despite the obvious physical fact of how the physical earth world functions, that being many men working together being the means of accomplishment of working with earth, inhibits the collective from standing up within behaviors that are actually telling us that something is not what is best for this earth.
Our governments are no longer working for us. This does not mean that all government workers are “ bad” they are simply afraid to say anything for fear of losing their jobs, and or so caught up in the process of self interest for the few, that they cannot see the forest through the trees. No matter where one is, one can contribute to the change that is needed. One can remain in their job and monetarily give, support a system that puts and end to all this hiding and hero worship, as it has not changed this world, it is the cause of the problem of inequality. What is of value is self as life, here. Let’s create a system that is the manifestation of this, a system that supports all life, that ends hiding and war, that uses the form and function of earth to build a world that is best for all, using what is here that is real, the hands, the many hands of men. Anyway, it would actually be a lot of fun. Much better than all this stress and worry and addictions that are never satisfied. Imagine being able to use your common sense, and be here, helping and giving and no longer needing to hide your SELF here. This is Equal Money, this is realizing the common sense of life, here.
