Day 333 Hiding behind the Spider web of self interest in profit. A system of inequality

In high school I had to take this test in 10th grade. It was a test given by the state that one had to pass in order to pass out of high school. I, and my peers were told once we passed the test we did not have to take it again. I passed and so did my friends. In 11th grade we had to take this again, I asked why, I did not want to go and sit in a room for three hours again to take a test I had been told I passed. But I went. In 12th grade we were required to take this again. This time I refused, I had decided not to go and I told my friends. They all reacted, I told them that we were being asked to take the test again to “ beef up” the passing scores for the city of New York, and that this was not a good idea because it hid what was really happening. My friends told me that I had to take the test and that I would get in trouble if I did not take the test. I told them that I could not get in trouble because I had taken the test and passed. So the day came and I did not go, and I remember being really shaky about it, I was scared but I was also “ in-sensed” because somehow this was not helping what was going on and hiding what was going on by having everyone who passed retake the test made no sense. And, interestingly, my friends reacted with such fear as well, they just went and did it, but their reactions to me deciding to not go, were extreme, I am seeing my “ best” friend’s face now, here, her eyes got big and she looked scared.
Anyway, in New York, I was at a disco and that spring I had started to take valiums on the weekends, I had stopped playing the violin, just enough to get by. One night, and this is something, a memory, that i refer back to a lot even before desteni, I am sitting in the hood of a car on a New York city street and the bouncer - who we are friends with- comes around with the pills, I stop, I look at him, I look at the pill in his hand, I say no and walk away. I go home and that is the end of this life. I remember thinking, “ this is not life, this is not what i choose” which is interesting because when I found M, the words in my head, the thought that i had, was “ how can this be life?” “ Why is this a choice”
Walking down the street in New York I also remember looking at the backs of people, I have no clear thought here, I just remember walking around looking at the posture and backs of people, this is just something that was always there, like an undercurrent question, like “ something is there” unformed but present.
After leaving the “ social/modeling” scene I spent time alone and I felt awkward being alone. I even went to the movies alone. I think I had the thought that I am alone. I did not know where to go, I just knew I did not want to be in “ that scene”.
I did not talk with my parents about any of this. We had two apartments in New York, my parents had one, and my sisters and I had another. And with my “ new” brother” it was like it was two separate worlds, going to my parents apartment felt like I was invading their space, and my father was emotionally unstable, the slightest thing seemed to “ set him off” so we stayed away, and I think my mother was so engrossed in my brother and work she simply did not have the time to pay attention to my sisters and i. She was there, she would check on us, but she was no longer as watchful as she had been.
So, my “ righteousness” about the system started here, during this period, high school. And the fear when deciding to do something, right or wrong” started here, as this shaky feeling when I decided not to participate in the test score scam. And the rage at this one modeling party where I had accompanied my sister and started to speak out really loudly at the party and made the modeling people angry, and that was the end of that, my sister was told I could no longer accompany her. I can’t even remember what I did, i just remember being in the bathroom feeling really frustrated.
And then this “ being alone” not wanting to go back and not knowing where to go. I eventually found a “ new friend” and we would read plays and wonder around New York. Her family life was a mess. But I won’t go into this here. I did not like going to her loft in soho, because it was a mess, and her mother, who had evidently written for the VillageVoice in it feminist hey day, had lost it, she spent her days wondering around New York buying used clothes and hanging them on garment district racks that were in the apartment. I remember her brother kicking his Hispanic girl friend like she was a “ dog” one day. SO, here basicallyI went from one set of abusive behaviors to another. I think the shock of, “ is this really happening’ numbs me at first and then I realize I have to get myself out of this situation, it is unacceptable.
It is like this with this man I dated. He would stare at women, really looking possessed. Like he was hot “ here”. One time he said to me, don’t mind me I am just being a man.” Iaccepted this, thought I had to be patient, but this was not acceptable, for him and /or for me. I had to leave even thought i did not want to, even though I tried to talk about it with him.
I tried to explain this in different ways, and what happened is that he got mad, and started to be more distant from me. That was the answer. More hiding.
It is like we all see what is going on, but if we try an talk about it there is push back. Even if this is done in calm , with gentleness, there is reaction, as though letting go ofaddictions/ideas is tantamount to death. lol
So, this is what there is to forgive, within and without, as the allowance and acceptance in separation from here into and as a mind imagination, a fantasy, a dream scape, this is what is “backing” man, this is the MCS.
So, our fantasies are hiding our fears. And somehow I make this fantastic, and it need not be, there is the ability of myself to see this in common sense without the ambiguity of unaware space. I jump from the systemic patterns that I have seen, blaming the system without looking at the monetary side of this. Later in my twenties I happened on a book about soils, I thought it was a novel and it was about the earth, here I realized that systems were not doing what was best for the soil, and this lead into something else that started in high school - that I could not eat sugar- this and the book about soils, lead into paying more and more attention to food and health, which lead me to the point where I realized the medical industry was not concerned with health, they were concerned with profits. I had read some conspiracy theories that the governments wanted to decrease the population. And though this might have been true and/or is true, going around saying this to the people in my world was not going to work, it would not be believed.
It was not too long after Kevin Trudeau and another company that was using resonant projections from a machine, modeling homeopathy that I found desteni. This is all another level of what brought me here. The side of the behaviors around me, instead of the “ white light’ inner things going on.
I/we have to go beyond limited understandings in order to realize what is actually happening here. So, ambiguity has to be walked into understanding through forgiveness to what is here as how the physical functions. Within allowing ambiguities to warp us into a cognitive dissonance, making connections that are limited, mapped into mind, and the outcome is a lack of common sense.
The fantasy world of our desires, are our escapes, our escapades into mind, of lesser understanding, limited insight, this has to be brought back here, down to earth. The form of earth is many men on the surface of this earth. It is many men, together who organize this earth, thus a separating/dividing system would voice the idea of a superhero, a “ one” that would come and solve all the problems on earth, because this would create those questioning, the human who is able to realize something is “not right” into a state of waiting. Thus the idea of a super hero, a savior, is to have the human wait for a change coming from one thing despite the common sense of the form on earth of many men working together as how things are done and organized. The being of self as wanting a superhero, a “ one” is self lost in a fantasy as an idea that waiting is okay. Thus “ waiting” is an indoctrination, a by product of the belief system of there being a ‘One” or a super hero. The collective as the human, as man is the “One” that can reorganize this world into all being able to understand the life that we are composed of, which is more than able to self realize because this is what we are! Duh.
Why would Monsanto want what it does to be hidden, using “trade secrets “ and patent “laws” to say that its information is “ private”. It cannot be private if the effects are public! And the fact that this information is being hidden, has the supposed “ need” to be hidden, as non transparent, is saying loud and clear that there is omission, that what is being done within these hidden practices is not what is best for all. If something were non destructive in any way, it would not need to be hidden. Thus the behavior of Monsanto is revealing its awareness of its abuse and the effects it will have on the public.
This, in tandem with the collectively believed idea of a superhero despite the obvious physical fact of how the physical earth world functions, that being many men working together being the means of accomplishment of working with earth, inhibits the collective from standing up within behaviors that are actually telling us that something is not what is best for this earth.
Our governments are no longer working for us. This does not mean that all government workers are “ bad” they are simply afraid to say anything for fear of losing their jobs, and or so caught up in the process of self interest for the few, that they cannot see the forest through the trees. No matter where one is, one can contribute to the change that is needed. One can remain in their job and monetarily give, support a system that puts and end to all this hiding and hero worship, as it has not changed this world, it is the cause of the problem of inequality. What is of value is self as life, here. Let’s create a system that is the manifestation of this, a system that supports all life, that ends hiding and war, that uses the form and function of earth to build a world that is best for all, using what is here that is real, the hands, the many hands of men. Anyway, it would actually be a lot of fun. Much better than all this stress and worry and addictions that are never satisfied. Imagine being able to use your common sense, and be here, helping and giving and no longer needing to hide your SELF here. This is Equal Money, this is realizing the common sense of life, here.

Day 313 Disgust Character Behavioral Dimension

I have this memory coming up again, where i am in high school in New York and int he apartment of a major game player within the fashion industry. He is holding out a bowl of coke to myself and a friend and a friend of my sister.
I am within a reaction of being very angry. I had to leave I was so angry. At the time all I wanted to do was take that bowl of white powdery coke and smash it on the table.
This was behavior as a reaction and not myself looking at and realizing how such an act came to exist within this world. I was limited and blamed a singular point within a whole chain of consequence of profit that created such a scenario, which was a human being believing they were more than another, which is what I was being within my own behavior, more judgement.
My anger and judgment towards this one person was not going to stop what created this abuse. What exists on earth that allows and creates a need to use drugs to entertain and escape was what needed to be realized. I had already learned that drugs were not worth it. They altered reality and this was not something that was real. At the time I was a teenager, one who was not interested in drugs, which is not to say I did not try them, they just did not seem what they were promised to be, so I never fell under their spell. Perhaps if my existence had been more difficult such exposure would have had a different outcome, as there were models who got caught up in the spell of drugs.
So my reactions of righteousness and disgust were not a movement of solution and/or prevention, they were reactions only, without stopping and asking why existence contained such limiting experiences. Such reactions are not being self responsible for and as life in consideration of all life, this which is the responsibility of each and everyone of us on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have followed this friend, who I had followed before and wound up in a similar situation, thus I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have used my common sense within and as realizing I should never have made this stop off en-route to another gathering as this girl was socially involved in the modeling world, whereas I was no longer involved yet had retained some “friends” from this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become an emotional reaction of disgust and anger to and towards one of the men offering the coke, not seeingrealizing and understanding that such a reaction was fear and self anger, and self disgust for not using my common sense, both within the immediate context and within taking the time to investigate how the present systems functions and why older men were trying to become sugar daddy’s to teenage girls and thus serving their own desires without any consideration for the life of that teenage girl who is in many ways still a child, which is to say that this is an act that does not consider life, and only considers a limited desire, as an act that does not respect life, is a limited act within a limited self awareness of life, which begs the question as to why such would exist.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of anger as at the time I was also intimidated by these men, and feared having to say no to them, eventhought this was the only choice, which was the choice taken, I was having to say no within a situation that had the potential to be threatening for which I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been frightened, and thus angry, not seeing realizing and understanding that I can let this emotion go, as this is in the past and not what is here, as myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been ashamed that I had allowed myself to walk into this situation having had a similar experience one other time with this same girl, were drugs were involved.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I was ashamed of myself for having gone with this girl because I rather go to an event with another than alone, and so, against my better judgement I joined up with this girl in fear of being alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to carry this shame with me, as me, in and as a memory, to not let this memory go, to see, realize and understand that this is not myself here,as this is from the past and does not define myself here, within this moment, within this breath, unless I accept and allow this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that this even at that time in that moment, I alone could not have changed the world, as the existence of drugs, as this takes an understanding of why such a thing exists within the whole, which requires an investigation into how the present system on earth exists, without denial in beliefs in and as invisible gods, or invisible hands, as what is physically on this earth is moved by the hands of men, and thus this system can be understood through simply looking at how this world works, and as such a change will require many standing together, as history tells us that many have attempted to stand and speak up, and many stand and speak at present, yet as a “lone ranger” which is an easy target, and just as the faceless that benefit as what is behind a corporation which means the few who live lives of comfort are a group convincing the rest of humanity via media and the happy drugs of products that promise a more than, that never deliver such a promise, which we all accept and allow unless we stop and breath and investigate and self realize in common sense that we are not really living, and that to change this system will require many to stand, realize that which accepted and allowed and created this present system are the same ones, as men, who must stand and change this system into what is best for all, which means standing and being self responsible for and as life, realizing life is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my anger is myself in disgust with myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain situations that lack common sense, within and as what is not best for myself, and thus, what is not best for all, as I seek a drug by a different name, which, as in this memory, was the entertainment of going to a party, where I let down my common sense and did not follow my batter judgment of not hooking up with this friend, but was lead by a desire for entertainment in the form of a party, thus I was qualifying one type of entertainment as more than, better than another.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that yesterday when I found myself becoming the emotion of anger, I had entered into a situation where those present showed no interest, and thus not pushed the issue, as the starting point would have required at least some amount of inquiry, of which there was none and as such what can only be done is a seed planted and let it go, as just as I was as an ignorant human, as a teenager who had not in fact investigated the present system in common sense, as had this been taught, then the earth would not be what it exists as within so much disrespect for life, in and as the amount of abuse that needs but little investigation to see, realize and understand that what man has accepted and allowed is unacceptable in all common sense, and a statement that the nature of man cannot change, is in and as it self unacceptable, because if I can realize that drugs are not myself really existing here, than so can others, as such awareness is capable of being what we are, and it is only emotions, as a collection of past events as beliefs that accumulate and limited the expression of men, and since this was built up within, it can be deconstructed, just as existent systems have been constructed, can they be deconstructed, thus, the excuse - which is all it is- that I cannot change, and/or men cannot change makes no sense, and is what would be taught in a world that does not teach common sense as common sense means looking at the consequences of men, and what has been built by the hands of men, where no god, and no invisible hand can be found, if one simply investigate the practical movement of this real physical existence.

I commit myself to remaining within and as breath, to see, realize and understand that the moment i become a reaction, I am in a rush to win and not here, equal and one to the steps necessary to see, realize and understand the very consequence built that must be unbuilt, which appears to move slowly, but is simply the tack of taking down a wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas that are the very substance of life, here that are not aligned within and as what is best for all, what considers all of existence, are limitations within being equal and one, to and as what is here as this physical world, and thus are simply a self imposed burden veiling this physical world that gives freely to support life.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realizing when and as I begin to have “bouts” of feeling tired, and yawning a lot, I must slow down and breath, and write out the events of the previous day, to see, what memories come up and the sequence of my own reactions, to see, realize and understand what I am showing myself to have accepted and allowed that is in separation from realizing what behavioral consequences I have allowed as what I accepted through the teachings of a society of inequality which I had not investigated for myself.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, realizing that all reactions, as emotions and feelings and thoughts, when having a quality of aggression, or anger, or desire for attention, are myself existing within limitation and thus not moving at ease within and as common sense of here, which is being myself as life, equal and one.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, and to breath, to realize the presence of energy as friction and conflict, and to stop and investigate without fear of judgement, as judgement is a polarity of want , need and desire in self interest in fear of loss, to then without reaction, in and as common sense within being equal and one to and as breath, within the principle of oneness and equality, to direct myself here.

Day 193 The law of inequality = the wal of a belief in more than.

Day 193 The law of inequality = the wal of a belief in more than.

So the mind has plates of glass inter-dimensionally that carry energetic charges of negative and positive poles of energy, where the positive is compounded negative energy. All projections of belief, opinion and idea played out as personifications and characters, supporting wants, needs and desires, as survival tactics, of limited insight of this world. Blind to this world as self interest is continually confirmed in denial of fear of self as life, in separation from a sense of life as awareness of what is actually here as life.
In trying to answer to these personifications I am in separation from what is here as I try to speak to what is essentially self validation that is hiding in fear of rejection, in fear of loss, where there is nothing to lose but the being of self as being lost of a common sense of the whole and how this earth functions.
So, if I am seeking validation, it is really justification for why I am afraid, for what I fear, which has no validity, as it is simply a loss of common sense, common sense being what allows direction, the physical a platform as life to self realize as the gift to see and be one and equal to and as life, here.
If I am insecure, I will constantly compare myself to what is around me, so much so that I will not see what is really here. I will measure myself according to how I was taught to see. Given what is promoted by media, I would measure myself according to how much money I have and how much I fulfill ideas of physical perfection and all the accessories I de-core-ate myself as life into and as-focusing on an image of myself instead of how I am being within myself as the core of me as what is the very substance in and as me that even allows me to create the image of myself that I believe comes before what I am in essence. This would be a directive given within a system of inequality, where the law is to maintain inequality, and those with the control, the ‘more than’ would omit what gives self , self direction as life through developing a blinding wall around self as life as equality as life. Thus, all presentations within this profit based system are the laws of inequality, loud and clear, we just have to stop and look.
It is like I do not pay attention to my behavior, I pay attention to how I look, where even how I look contains ideas of limited dialogues of what I am supposed to say, how i am supposed to be polite, how I am supposed to respond. All of this is dressing and none of it is actual awareness and empathy with what is actually physically here. How does dressing oneself in positive “vibes” direct oneself as life in common sense of life? This is oneself busy chasing an idea and not directing self as becoming one and equal with self as life.
All this “supposed to be” behavior has not done anything for this world. If anything it is more of the same, an ignorance of life.

What little I have seen in the news about New York City after the big hurricane, where people are standing in line for gas and trash picking discarded food from flooded supermarkets, I wonder if any of these people are realizing that this will be the future scenario as the present system fails, as the petro-chemical products run out and the national guard comes in to placate the hungry and the waterless. And those soldiers are more than likely to do what ever is necessary, as they are going to want their jobs to feed their families and are probably going to be relieved that they have the uniform and the paycheck and are not without water, and food and electricity. Many will become brutal, as they have no training or ability to realize they are afraid, and the ones who might have some objectivity cannot stand alone, the fearful will outnumber them; it takes many to stand and make a change, a few cannot do this.
If anything, New Yorkers should realize that the system on earth really needs to change, now that many have a taste of the absence of what supports them as life. Definitely, need a system change, and it is the people, together as one, who will need to stand and realize that this present system does not make us aware of what supports life. Just realizing how hard it is to not have water and food I would think would be enough to realize what many on this planet suffer as they struggle to survive, where there are not even dumpsters of food to pick from, their choice is starvation, prostitution, crime etc.
In a system of equality, if a disaster happens in one part of the world, what is here is to support all life, no matter what. Just think of the people in Haiti, this storm is on top of another event that left many without homes, and none of this is even talked about or revealed on the media. Perhaps the real state of the world is not talked about because it would make us all aware that this system is not working, is not supporting life!
Instead we are kept in entertainment, what is here is sensationalized - and this is not to diminish what happened, but if as much attention were given to what is going on in other parts of the world, we might all be more aware. That what is happening in the world is denied us via the news means that we are able to care, and that we have the ability to realize what is here is not working, and thus we have the ability, if we know what is actually happening, to make a change, to become directed to make a change. Always what is not made clear is what would aid in clearing up what is actually happening on this earth. But, since the media is owned by “he” who has the money to decide what should be said and revealed, the media will serve “he” who has the most. It is the “more than haver” who is setting the story presentation in the news, omitting what might awaken the follower, the listener, the watcher. And, the follower is given just enough to believe they have free will to chose, when this is ridiculous, as many of us go to work, go home and watch television - paid for by “the more haver” - which means we are caught in a trap, as it takes money to do things other than go home and watch tv. The things that are “seemingly” free are not really free, they are traps. We actually believe that we are buying freedom, but we are actually buying our own enslavement, and it is done through ignorance- meaning limited insight, meaning psychological manipulation via a tube. I mean do we even stop and enjoy the simple things in life, really see and realize the actual physical things that are around us? Are these things not enough and are these things, being able to enjoy the simple physical things that are here, what all on this earth should be and exist as here? Would not learning be enjoyable within this as well. Would this not bring ease to this earth?
Is it not time to realize that a system change is necessary, to take care of what is here and come to understand it in totality, to be able to to really enjoy what is actually here, plants, animals, earth and other humans? This would be a world worth living in and experiencing. All these highs and lows of emotion, these fears and worries, thiscompetition and constant comparison and seeking of sex that really has no meaning as it needs more and more and more is not life. Has sex just become a form of entertainment to hide from fear, if so, then sex has become equal and one to fear, and thus is not a real expression of life, it is not enjoying what is physically here, it is only a release of fear and anxiety. We are all in such a state of frenzied discord that we are no longer able to see what is here, and all we seek is release of this friction and frustration and the answer is simple, to face this and to create a system where life is supported so that this stops within us as we realize we are life, and that the simplicity of this is what is the value. Thus, stand and support an Equal Money System, support life, bring yourself back here to enjoy what is here instead of to pass it by watching what is presented on a television as a dream that very few ever achieve in an illusion that there is something greater than the simplicity of enjoying what is actually physically here as this physical world. It is time to break the laws of inequality by standing and placing a system on earth, as a group, that realizes life is the value, and to support this in equality.