Day 497 A Difference by Degree: Bridging the Judgement Gap

A difference by degree: Bridging the judgement gap

Within a limited value system, as what the human has accepted and allowed, the units of measure in total are minuscule - mini-school - as the gamut of what is used to direct self. I mean, we just need to look around and we can see, realize and understand the limited visual ideals we all accept and allow. Think of the rule that the lawns in front of our houses should be green lawn, and that having a vegetable garden is a taboo on a front lawn; or that a person is only attractive if they have a certain size and measure in their features and a certain color to their hair; or think about how dogs have been bred to bring forward and exaggerate certain characteristics without any consideration for what that eventual frankenstein extreme has on the function of the physical form. Many of those breeds have all kinds of physiological problems. If you would not want to suffer such monstrous physiological problems then why, just to have a certain look, would you wish this on another form for being life on this earth?

The limited values, that are then used in comparison against one another, to compete for an ideological picture, just like that green lawn, really bear no witness to the actual balance within the physical world.

I remember my husband skiing. He was extremely graceful, so much so it was really a joy to watch. To this day, and i don’t watch skiing so much, I have not seen this kind of graceful movement in another skier. I have watched skateboarding videos, because my sons like this, and sometimes a skater comes along with this kind of fluid grace. Others have a completely different quality, in the last week there was a video of a skater that had “ force” as I would call it. He skated with this very directed aggressive speed force. Really hard to put into words. The quality was cool, the expression was cool. I mean, how much are we missing in all of us, when we don’t see the unique quality in every human as the way they express themselves in what they do, where there is probably an inclination in some areas as opposed to others, and what discoveries would be made when all life on earth is valued and our ability within being aware physically of movement and form and expression in and as not only the shape but the way that shape moves. If we look at this, had more awareness in the detail and expression of the physical, instead of imposing ideas as pictures onto how things should be without equal consideration of the physical in total, what would our world become?

The point is that if we take the time to look, we can realize that our values are extremely limited and that within this the degree of difference is tiny. And yet the human is walking around comparing these tiny differences to ascend to …where? The irony is that it is being that expression in-form, and balancing this all out in total as the expression of earth as life as a whole that is the fun and the value.

What we are doing is rejecting a united whole, as this physical earth that would be the most fulfilling life experience beyond any thing our limited value system can imagine. And all because we fear what? Losing ownership of a front green lawn? So, one has that front green lawn and spends years protecting it, watching it and then what? Death? Is that lawn a badge of success worthy of its value? No.

Within the chaos on earth, in a bubble, this appears to be a gain when compared to a possible life of poverty, but this gain in itself is a poverty of life expression. One just as a small degree of more comfort, but within this, the increase in cancer and other diseases, suggests otherwise. Is one really comfortable sitting watching that green lawn as cancer invades and old age and the physical body corrodes over time instead of a quick death because of lack of food? If one stood back and looked within a context of eternity, the two lives would appear to be the same measure, meaning such a slight degree of difference that no foot note would probably be given. This is the measure of the difference, which is really no difference, it just appears to be this way within the limited perspective humans have come to believe is truth. And all the while, the physical is what allows expansion and expression and self awareness into becoming life, a life as the physical that can become what never settles in limitation and instead stands strong within  a value that incorporates movement and expression that is not stagnant and is rather filled with ease.

Our present money system is the expression of a collective accepted and allowed limited value system. And it is wreaking havoc on all of our lives. And we are so caught up in our limited value system that we cannot see the forest through the trees. Yet, we are here as physical beings that have the ability to see, to sense, to move, to create, to organize , to balance out what is here to allow what we need as physical beings, and this earth, to allow the expression of life and enjoy the way in which each expresses themselves. 

Like the action of homeopathy, the outer misalignment, as our money system must change, and we , as humanity have to stand and do this.  As this will enable each to relax and slow down and breath, to stand outside of stress and begin to then look and organize this world together, in ways that support all the physical form of life, because this physical form as the whole earth is us, it is each of us, we are it. It is only an imposed cognitive map in our heads that is our separation. As this accepted and allowed map built of limited values, an energy field within and as us encircles us, and it oscillates with conflict because it has no real substance to exist as, because it is extremely limited, and its measure of value moves as judgement of what is good and bad in accord of its limited insight, because of an idea that something could be lost, when it is the lack of movement with the whole that created the sense of loss. Yet this can be corrected back into the whole, where there need be no sense of loss. And the directive that is very simple, is to give as one would like to receive, which is to realize self as a physical being on a physical world, where one moves as ways that do no harm, and that in being this, in focusing here on what is real, as a physical form with the faculty to focus here, and see, one is able to direct oneself in ways that do no harm, and that this allows self to position self here absolutely, in a movement of self in full function, utilizing self in total, which stops all stagnation and thus dis-ease. This is a gift we can only give one another when we all work together with the physical world. To do this we have to clean up the bubble of limited values as our accepted and allowed cognitive maps , that we need only look to the media, for example, and the banking system, to see, realize and understand.

In many ways, fear if being inferior to this. That is all it is. And yes, the consequences of this are rampant all around us. But, changing this is the way out. And as we walk ourselves out, with each breath, with each movement, a lightness of being, and an ease of breath, will become the movement of us. I mean what else if there? Just give it up, stop the judgements, use your innate common sense and let go the limitations, to stand as what is best for all within and without. Support a system that supports you as life. Support a Living Income Guarantee. Walk the awareness of your generational cognitive map that is of limitation - which means that what is of value will not be lost, and what is of inferiority to life will be equalized to life, thus what appears to be a loss will be a gain. It has been said, that in stopping the mind, all will be lost, and thus, all will be gained. What will be lost is that map, which has been made bigger than life, and what will be gained is life. It is that simple.

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Day 477 The muddy waters of the impulses of consumerism.

I notice this “ mud” as I want to call it, coming up/coming down when I am around people. I try to avoid it through talking, and then I become excited about talking which can appear calm in many ways because over time I have learned to dampen this as this is accepted social behavior, but it is really a suppression of a desire, and the desire is to hide the underlying emotions, that are a series of judgements based on past events, that, in themselves have nothing to do with practical reality.

Because I am walking the desteni I process, I have taken the time, and used the tools of self forgiveness, writing and practical application to realize what i am accepting and allowing inwardly that is slowing me down and limiting me as behaviors that separate me from being here and enjoying life simply.

The self judgements that are this “ mud” are insidious, they are myself comparing myself to a set of limited values that we can all realize, as these values are what is impulsed all around us by a world system that is in itself of limited values to control existence as a belief that men are greater than existence in total and that within this some men are more than others, this being this actual real physical world, hiding that which is real right in front of us, veiling this in the same manner within as is used without; touting directives that suggest survival within this hierarchy where if one follows the limited values one can end up accumulating money and thus sit on top or one can end up on the bottom and fall off all together. Of course there is only so much room on top, so it is inevitable that many will fall. And it has nothing to do with how hard one works, it has to do with how hard one lies directly or indirectly by omission. Lying is ignoring reality. 

My value judgements are where I have accepted and allowed the limited values of this system, they are me comparing myself to limitation that is used to control. They are where I abdicated myself in common sense of life, the physical. They are my veil of separation, and they are the voices and pictures cluttered with limited values, the are vile. They are heavy, they are blinding, they lack insight, they lack depth perception. They create a bubble of pictures around me that, over time, become hidden, as the conscious mind morphs them into symbols of supposed “ good” and as this hide the bad. They are myself when I converse to validate, when that rush to tell my story comes up with a sense of anxiousness to protect others seeing my belief in myself as perhaps lacking in something. This can occupy myself so much that I no longer see my own constraints as belief, opinions and ideas that measure myself to a limited value system. They are myself bearing no real witness to life. They are myself forgetting within survival instead of being forgiving as myself as life, equal to physical reality, that which carries all of this imagined mental construct.

Just before my husband committed suicide, I started to see some things that I questioned around him. I could see one day, like a film around him, where the edges popped like the surface of soda pop. I also could see this anxiety, this subtle shaking as him, and I see this in other men too. This is the bubble of energy that is the mud of separation from being equal and one to physical existence, this is the accumulation of obeisance to a lesser god of hierarchy, and it uses the same tactics and techniques as the consumerist/corporate/economic system determining our lives around us; the media, our education system, our health system, all of it. Even the colors in the screen/surface of the bubble are the same slight blue tinge as our television and electrical lights. As within, so without. Yet so blinding is this energy when followed the real life in the shadows that is considered the “ bad” is what is real, thus life is in reverse. 

We need only realize the amount of abuse and destruction via pollution and starvation, via lack of human development - all development, to realize that we are not in fact taking care of life, and as such not being life. It is the physical world that is what is real. As such the anecdotal is considered circumstantial, and data diluted with a means, is considered real, and meanwhile the abuse on the ground is all around us denied by oversight committees wanting to push the decision onto another committee because the truth be told would end their salaries. 

In a profit based system, cures/solutions do not maintain dividend - the divided end; together we stand divided we fall. I mean, of course the next step is to hide data, because the numbers used simply do not add up. Ironically, with computers it can all be made visible. Digital money can reveal exactly how money moves. And programs are easy to download. Everything is moving faster too bad it was not the human within themselves. And yet, this is still the human not standing up, so it will not work, because we, each of us must in the end, stand for life. Our computers can be used to really see what is going on, this will mean standing up. What is here is to support life, and what has been created can be used to correct the inequality to life that exists. Make no mistake about it, as long as poverty exists, life does not. Equality is the way out. The only way, Becoming equal and one to and as life, here.

Day 86 A day of the mind

Day 86 A day of the mind

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a constant broadcast of conversation entertaining myself as myself in separation in and as mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a reference to a man, as the god, as the self as myself existing within a belief that I need validation as conversing in and as my mind as though I have a partner, which I actually started after the death of my husband, sometimes even saying things to myself like, “ why the fuck aren’t you here to help me with this,” which many might say is normal, yet it is not normal to have a endlessly running conversation in and as my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that, as a woman, I need help in making decisions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I actually need some person/man/god/friend to be an echo in and as my mind of myself considering what I am doing as though I need a reflection to tell me that my decisions in everyday little things , and in projects and other scenarios needing direction,are ok, where it is all insane, because in the end it is me that is walking and doing, this invisible hand holding is just this, not here, where this interactive movie is redundant and unnecessary.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this “buddy” is something i am focusing on that is not real, and when I have to go back and redo something because I was not fully attentive on what was actually physically here, as I was partially - and thus divided- here,  was probably the cause of having to go back and redo, where had I been here, as myself in totality without the radio in and as my mind turned on, I might have accomplished more than I had as a gossip of comparing what I was doing as knowledge and information based on experiences of my past.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that if I look at the quality of what the radio as the conversation of my mind exists as, is a fear of repeating losses in the past, and hopes - as longings- for a future of success.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have all the characters of my fears and my hopes blabbing away, all wanting attention, all consisting of a singular point of view, which we know is insanity, yet we watch soap operas where such characters are formulated to entertain, thus we watch what we know, within and as us is insane.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to specifically, be the character of having my house in order, where I walk from one room and have a voice say, “ you need to get the closet organized.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be embarrassed that my closet is not organized in some supposed “perfect” way, where even if I organized it, I would continue to want to improve upon what i had done, and thus I will never be satisfied in the way my closet is organized.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I am completely organized - whatever that is- I will be successful.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that my house and yard is not organized enough.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that within this idea, my yard and house will never be organized, as I will perpetually feel that something is out of place.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that within organization something is “out of place.”

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that something is out of place and that there is always something that can be organized.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that I started organizing things so that I could have time to ponder the world, and time to read, and so I would organize things in one moment, mapping out the whole thing in and as my mind, to “buy” myself time to read and ponder the world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I was organizing things, as I could see that the paper work of this world could be consuming, so I organized to “get ahead of the game” to allow myself time to read and “think.”

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I have allowed myself to become obsessive about organizing things.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have done most of what needs to be done in my house, where I did not have my children do much, because I would do this in as little time as possible to have time for other things, and thus now my children are not aware of what needs to be done within the home.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that, yes, organization is important but to allow this to become a constant voice in and as my mind is my self  having trained myself to organize, and to walk and judge what has been done - obsessively- is not being here, as organizing in many ways, as mind, is preparing for the future, where if I, in common sense put things away as I exist, there would be no need to have something to organize.

I commit myself to stopping the voice in and as my mind, the character of organization, suggesting gloom and doom and judgement from others unless my home is organized.

I commit myself to realizing that it is not organization in and as itself that is good or bad, it is the voice in and as my mind, being addicted to criticizing things as being organized or not organized.

I commit myself to listening to myself here, as silence, and to no longer participate in and as the judgements of the mind, where I place value on opinion and idea as to how things should be, and instead walk in common sense equal and one to the physical in practical consideration in the moment, where the being of myself is not pondering a future, a past, a fear of judgement as I am here, in and as breath, and as breath I direct myself here, where all that is here is one and equal to me, as me and all ideas and projections as belief, opinion and idea are illusions that burden and stop, that make movement seem impossible, where it is the emotions and feelings and thoughts as idea that are the thickening of myself in and as fear of judgement, disabling myself as life, as the actual physical world right here as what is real and not that voice in the head.

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Day 85 After the death of my husband

Day 85 After the death of my husband

I was sitting in a cafe and suddenly I saw this elderly couple; my parents were there. I felt this sadness come up, as a drama, of myself no longer having my husband to grow old with, to have the supposed “golden years” of a relationship.

But the whole time I was this, I also did not really feel this. For some reason, here I was being what I know I was supposed to be, but it was somehow not real to me. It was like a crying that was not real. 

So, I am sitting here, watching a part of myself cry about no longer having a life with the same man, and wondering why I was doing this when it was not real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be sad because I will not have a husband, the father of my children to grow old with.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be the character of the matriarch growing old with a husband.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the character of myself as the wife of a man with whom I grow old is lost because my husband is dead and therefor my life has become limited because I will not have the opportunity to exist in the role of the elderly couple living out their golden years.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be the character of the widow, believing that this is somehow less than the couple living into their “golden years.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge being a widow as less than and a long time married couple as more than/superior.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have had the emotion of sadness that I will not live the idea of “the golden years.”

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that when I became sad after my husband died, that I would not have this, I actually had the thought that somehow none of what I was feeling was real.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen at that moment after the sudden death of my husband, that somehow I could see that the emotions I was feeling as what I believed I was supposed to feel, I in fact did not.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have stopped the emotion that was in me at the time as it was based on an idea, as what i had been taught, and not life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was afraid of saying this, even though I was aware of this, because I feared it would be considered as something being wrong with myself, when in fact, it was more an acceptance without judgement, as I was still here and I did not feel different.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen while at that same moment, a couple of days after the death of my husband, there was an arab couple in the restaurant where this happened, and the man accompanied the woman to the bathroom, and within my own drama I was watching this and thought, why must this man take this woman to the bathroom, why does this exist that a woman cannot go to the bathroom by herself, and what a burden to constantly follow a woman around for both parties.

I forgive myself for not having allowed myself to see realize and understand that all the characters around me moving as belief , opinion and idea, were not in fact living.

I commit myself to realizing the crying of my own mind in and as the separation from life i allow and accept myself to exist as, that is inconsiderate of all life, of this physical world.

I commit myself to stopping the tears falling through and as my mind.

I commit myself to realizing that tears falling in and as the thoughts as ideas, beliefs and opinions, are not in fact real, and are a separation from life.

I commit myself to stopping the self pity, the comparison, the competitions that are what my thoughts, emotions and feelings reveal, and bringing myself here in oneness and equality to this physical world, maintaining focus as myself within and as breath.

I commit myself to facing what is here,  the veil that is consciousness in and as the thoughts, emotions and feelings in and as the mind, myself a programmed organic robot of memory, my accepted and allowed pictures of separation.

I commit myself to forgive the shame I exist as as I have accepted and allowed myself to separate from myself into the illusion in and as the mind, somehow knowing I have accepted and allowed this as I walk into my past and remember events from my childhood.

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Day 34 Competition amongst women.

Day 34

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I need to compete with other women.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need to compare my self to other women.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that a younger woman who has a husband is more than my self because she has a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that an older woman who has a husband is more successful that my self because she has a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to think that a woman with a man is more than my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to allow the back chat in my mind to have any significance, as these thoughts that these woman with husbands are more than I am because I do not have a husband have any significance as these thoughts are of a limited design that does not include the being of my self here as life, where I am life, as I am here within this physical body wether or not I have a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel less than because I do not have a husband

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that having a husband means that I have less value than a woman with a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to label my self as husbandless.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to exist as an act of comparison to another where I am not even listening to the words being spoken and instead am labeling the other as having a husband, instead of being here one and equal to what is said, and taking this and applying the principle of oneness in equality where I direct what is spoken towards what is best for all, to become the living word where life is supported and thus myriad expressions are what becomes what is lived and not the singular idea of an object labeled as “having a husband, or not having a husband” as the measure of what actually physically exists.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see/realize/understand that one of my children could one day be a “wifeless” or “husbandless” person, where I would want them to not feel less than or more than because of a marital status, and that what I would want for them is to be themselves as an expression of life, to live a life in dignity and become self perfected beings.

I forgive my self for taking it personally that I am no longer a part of the “dinner party” scenario as I was when I was married, not realizing that there was never any “single” people at these dinner parties.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I was taught to believe married couples were the norm, a man and a woman together, where being involved with alternate life styles meant I was participating in a subculture as though, as the word suggests, I was not apart of the mainstream culture and thus there was something lacking within me as a person, when this does not make any sense, because people with out a heterosexual partner are still people who shit, and breath, and fart and go to work and movies etc. and are in fact no different than people with a husband and/or a wife.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that another woman can be more than or less than my self, where in fact another woman may have a developed skill that I have no development in, where this does not make this person more or less than my self, where I can come to understand another expression as life from this development in this person, and that any woman who acts superior is labeling themselves as more than based on developed skills and thus, is acting as ego and not present in and as listening to words spoken.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see/realize/understand that comparison and label limit and stagnate existence as they continue the belief that the human is not a living, physical, expressing entity able to learn and direct itself, to expand, and become aware of how this physical world actually works.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to also place value judgements on what is being said, comparing what I have said to what other women have said and then judging what I have said to be more than or less than what has been said, where I am both making comparisons as to how other women are dressed, what their level of profession is, and what they say as a contribution to the conversation where i then compete to find something to say that is accepted as valid, and noted by the group of women, which is my self existing in competition and not being present as what is best for all within the principle of oneness in equality, as what is best for self is best for all, where what is considered is that I am one and equal to all women, and thus anything said or done in competition does not consider equality as what is best for all, where if I realized in every breath that I am one and equal to all women as life, what would be considered within every breath  would be supportive for my self and all women, as well as the small baby women being born into this world who are one and equal to me as life, no matter where on earth they are born.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that when I compare I am existing with a limited set of values, and thus not considering my self as life, one and equal to all life on this planet, and thus in being comparison, I am spiting life, and blaming, be lame towards life, for what exists on this earth as a game of survival within a system that values profit over life, a system that attempts to own unconditionally given life sustaining resources for self interest believing this to be free will, when this is the will of limited insight and unequal consideration, a non awareness of this physical world being an expression of life, where life is the value.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that in being a judge as being comparison I perpetuate inequality existent on this earth and miss the abundance of expression available within this physical world as my learned values I use to make comparisons are of limited insight as they are based on a system that values profit over life.

I commit my self to breath, to realizing that I am one and equal to all life as I am life, here within this physical world where this physical world is a means to become one and equal to all life here, the eye of the needle to self realization, self honesty, and self responsibility as life.

I commit my self to self forgiveness, writing and corrective application to remove the limited design and consideration of life that the I as the ego of my self in separation, spite and blame towards life, as I consider what supports my self as ego within a game of inequality that allows money to determine who lives and who dies.

I commit my self to  realize that reaction to ego supports the suppression of life that presently exists on this earth as ego is a reflection, and thus a cause and effect ( when allowed substantiation through participation) of the continued abuse to women and baby girls that have no opportunity to become self perfected beings one and equal to this physical world as they are born into a system where some have access to earth’s resources/money and others do not from the day they are born determining the length of their life, access to education, and the means of a dignified existence.

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Day 22 Irritation - self separation

Day 22 Irritation- self separation 

I have been impatient and irritated, noticing this coming up as I talk with people. As I write this I see that I become irritated by a lack of common sense in people around me, which is a lack of common sense within my self. I have voiced my irritations and within the conversation expressed solutions and I get a lot of agreement, but when suggesting becoming involved I immediately am met with justifications.

But this is my world, a complacent middle class, where it is polite to agree, but here is where it stops. The idea of actual change is not possible, actually physically directing is lacking.

An example; my car mechanic. My gas peddle has some electrical part that registers the peddle moving to start the car. This part breaks down. This has happened. The mechanic told me this peddle will do this, all it takes is to bypass this point directed by this trigger. Just press the peddle and find the fine point just beyond this trigger. He then said many people cannot do this, but I could try. I did. It works. The mechanic said it was not necessary to change this.

The point here is when he said, “not many people can do this.” Yes, many people have little common sense of their physical world. I may have slightly more and I am sure there is more to be in physical common sense.

I feel like I face this all the time in talking with people. In word they can agree but in practice there is no application, and the moment of asking for application, there is no movement. It is almost as though there is resistance to any action, but words are OK, safe.

Sound like separation?  Many times people will agree but that moment of actually applying , nervousness sets in and fear. I do this as well, here I must breath and not fear a mistake.

When I practice the violin, I have to slow down and realize the space I bypass within fear- as nervousness or anxiety. It is like seeing where I stop, or what I know, and incorporating beyond this, as there are spaces un sensed or filled with awareness. Like anxiety does not allow sense. Here i have to breath and slow down. So, if this is not realized by a person, as this is what anxiety is, then the extension of self cannot fathom this unless this is really sought. And even here, to begin this seems impossible at the start.

Today in my car, I was listening to recordings from Eqafe. I breathed, I listened. I started to get so tired. I griped the wheel and listened and breathed. And, I really wanted to go to sleep. I almost nodded off. It is like not being able to really breath, as though there are things in the way of breathing , of sensing. It is there but the fear, the stories of the past cloud, the unresolved are in the way, slow down and breath. I just became a state of “suspension” remaining in wanting to sleep and breathing. It is like the separated parts are the ONLY looked at parts, and thus are distanced from the whole, singular frames of reference floating on a moving river, thus the illusion becomes separation as unconnected to the whole. Thus, there need be no fear. Breath and calm.

So, I feel this irritation as this separation, this lack of communication with reaching beyond verbal agreement, where fear then comes up and immediate shut down happens. I have become separate from my environment.

Meanwhile, underlying this is a sense of separation within me with my environment. I am aware that I have no family, and this came up as I was driving today. Even when I was teaching after my husband died, as he had committed suicide, I felt I did not deserve to teach because my husband had committed suicide, as though I lacked something. Ironically another teacher here in the schools had a husband who killed himself as well, and it was suggested that she leave the school. As the two had been separated for some time, she stood up and managed to keep her job. ( she had also been teaching for sometime and with budget cuts I sometimes wonder if excuses are sought to get rid of tenured teachers to replace them with newbies to lower school costs0

But this is the world in which we live, where a singular idea is accepted, inconsiderate of the whole.

Anyway, since my children are in college I am alone in the “picture” of society limitation. And this “feeling” came up today, so I am here to forgive this as this is a separation that I have accepted and allowed as belief within my world and perhaps is a disconnect from my world, as I have separated my self from here as believing I lack the very image I am seeing as my emotion and feeling, where i see only this as how I feel and thus ignore the whole of my life, my husband’s life, how this world works, and the potential judgements of other within their own beliefs about this, as they are also limited in a common sense of the whole.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to long for a family.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to miss my dead husband, to miss the companion ship, to wish her were here, just to have company because I believe that I need company.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is something missing from my world, when this is just an idea as all that I know and the habit I have existed as.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot function because my husband is dead, when I have proved to my self that in deed I can function, so this projection as belief is an illusion.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire a “family” which is actually a fuzzy logic, because I have had a family and continue to have a family, thus this is really a singular image I only see and not what is actually here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to want to “have a family” and to not see that this is longing for a past as my life has gone into another period where my children are in college and my mind functions from the past and projects onto the future and thus this is only the mind as my self in separation from here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need the picture perfect family picture, with woman, man, and children.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to imagine what it would be life to have my husband here at this changing point in time where our children have gone off to college.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to  realize I miss my husband and not my children as my children need to “go out and learn about the world on their own” and what i was told by family and friends was that I would miss my children and this is not what i am missing, I am missing my husband, which is my self in separation from here LOL

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that many times people have told me what i was going to feel and it ended up not being what happened within me.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to have the feeling of missing my husband.

I forgive my self  for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that this feeling is  more in  self interest as self religion as what I have been taught to believe that I must complete the picture of acceptable society, and thus as this, I feel separate from society in that I am not the picture perfect woman with a family, where I have a husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to judge my self as being less than because i lack a member of the family picture.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is something lacking in my existence because I no longer have my husband.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to  exist within a negative polarity in and as not having the complete family picture where I judge a complete family picture as being a positive.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have romantic ideas about being a family picture, where I exist as a singular story book romance of the perfect family.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self for not realizing that this idea of a perfect family is  inconsiderate of a multi-dimensional existence.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to  idolize a family as more than any other situation,

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to pity my self for not having the perfect family picture.

I commit my self to realizing that not having the perfect family picture of a husband and children as being something separate from my self as what i am supposed to be and that not having this means that I am less than life, as i am the same person whether or not I have a perfect family picture existence or not.

I commit my self  to realizing that I project separation from existence in believing myself to lack what is believed to be more than within this world as I believe I no longer fit into what i have been told I need, meaning I need a man.

I commit my self to breath, to stop and breath, to bring my self to what is actually physically here.

I commit my self to breathing, and i bring this point of separation as an idea of lack back to my self  and place my self one and equal to what is here, as my husband is dead thus wanting and wishing for something is separation from who I am in what i do, even if he was here.

I commit my self to realizing that husband or no husband, this has nothing to do with who I am in what I do.

I commit my self to breathing, to realize that I am allone here, and as this, it is what I am within what I do in every moment here and this is not contingent on a husband by my side or not.

I commit my self to removing all feelings of guilt about my husband’s death, as this is living in the past about something that I can do nothing about here, in this moment.

I commit my self  to breathing, to breath, to being here, as I am life, with or without a husband and that it is only a singular belief as held in view as being more than that is the limitation.

Heaven's Journey to Life

Redefining Fear

Desteni I Process