Day 333 Hiding behind the Spider web of self interest in profit. A system of inequality

In high school I had to take this test in 10th grade. It was a test given by the state that one had to pass in order to pass out of high school. I, and my peers were told once we passed the test we did not have to take it again. I passed and so did my friends. In 11th grade we had to take this again, I asked why, I did not want to go and sit in a room for three hours again to take a test I had been told I passed. But I went. In 12th grade we were required to take this again. This time I refused, I had decided not to go and I told my friends. They all reacted, I told them that we were being asked to take the test again to “ beef up” the passing scores for the city of New York, and that this was not a good idea because it hid what was really happening. My friends told me that I had to take the test and that I would get in trouble if I did not take the test. I told them that I could not get in trouble because I had taken the test and passed. So the day came and I did not go, and I remember being really shaky about it, I was scared but I was also “ in-sensed” because somehow this was not helping what was going on and hiding what was going on by having everyone who passed retake the test made no sense. And, interestingly, my friends reacted with such fear as well, they just went and did it, but their reactions to me deciding to not go, were extreme, I am seeing my “ best” friend’s face now, here, her eyes got big and she looked scared.
Anyway, in New York, I was at a disco and that spring I had started to take valiums on the weekends, I had stopped playing the violin, just enough to get by. One night, and this is something, a memory, that i refer back to a lot even before desteni, I am sitting in the hood of a car on a New York city street and the bouncer - who we are friends with- comes around with the pills, I stop, I look at him, I look at the pill in his hand, I say no and walk away. I go home and that is the end of this life. I remember thinking, “ this is not life, this is not what i choose” which is interesting because when I found M, the words in my head, the thought that i had, was “ how can this be life?” “ Why is this a choice”
Walking down the street in New York I also remember looking at the backs of people, I have no clear thought here, I just remember walking around looking at the posture and backs of people, this is just something that was always there, like an undercurrent question, like “ something is there” unformed but present.
After leaving the “ social/modeling” scene I spent time alone and I felt awkward being alone. I even went to the movies alone. I think I had the thought that I am alone. I did not know where to go, I just knew I did not want to be in “ that scene”.
I did not talk with my parents about any of this. We had two apartments in New York, my parents had one, and my sisters and I had another. And with my “ new” brother” it was like it was two separate worlds, going to my parents apartment felt like I was invading their space, and my father was emotionally unstable, the slightest thing seemed to “ set him off” so we stayed away, and I think my mother was so engrossed in my brother and work she simply did not have the time to pay attention to my sisters and i. She was there, she would check on us, but she was no longer as watchful as she had been.
So, my “ righteousness” about the system started here, during this period, high school. And the fear when deciding to do something, right or wrong” started here, as this shaky feeling when I decided not to participate in the test score scam. And the rage at this one modeling party where I had accompanied my sister and started to speak out really loudly at the party and made the modeling people angry, and that was the end of that, my sister was told I could no longer accompany her. I can’t even remember what I did, i just remember being in the bathroom feeling really frustrated.
And then this “ being alone” not wanting to go back and not knowing where to go. I eventually found a “ new friend” and we would read plays and wonder around New York. Her family life was a mess. But I won’t go into this here. I did not like going to her loft in soho, because it was a mess, and her mother, who had evidently written for the VillageVoice in it feminist hey day, had lost it, she spent her days wondering around New York buying used clothes and hanging them on garment district racks that were in the apartment. I remember her brother kicking his Hispanic girl friend like she was a “ dog” one day. SO, here basicallyI went from one set of abusive behaviors to another. I think the shock of, “ is this really happening’ numbs me at first and then I realize I have to get myself out of this situation, it is unacceptable.
It is like this with this man I dated. He would stare at women, really looking possessed. Like he was hot “ here”. One time he said to me, don’t mind me I am just being a man.” Iaccepted this, thought I had to be patient, but this was not acceptable, for him and /or for me. I had to leave even thought i did not want to, even though I tried to talk about it with him.
I tried to explain this in different ways, and what happened is that he got mad, and started to be more distant from me. That was the answer. More hiding.
It is like we all see what is going on, but if we try an talk about it there is push back. Even if this is done in calm , with gentleness, there is reaction, as though letting go ofaddictions/ideas is tantamount to death. lol
So, this is what there is to forgive, within and without, as the allowance and acceptance in separation from here into and as a mind imagination, a fantasy, a dream scape, this is what is “backing” man, this is the MCS.
So, our fantasies are hiding our fears. And somehow I make this fantastic, and it need not be, there is the ability of myself to see this in common sense without the ambiguity of unaware space. I jump from the systemic patterns that I have seen, blaming the system without looking at the monetary side of this. Later in my twenties I happened on a book about soils, I thought it was a novel and it was about the earth, here I realized that systems were not doing what was best for the soil, and this lead into something else that started in high school - that I could not eat sugar- this and the book about soils, lead into paying more and more attention to food and health, which lead me to the point where I realized the medical industry was not concerned with health, they were concerned with profits. I had read some conspiracy theories that the governments wanted to decrease the population. And though this might have been true and/or is true, going around saying this to the people in my world was not going to work, it would not be believed.
It was not too long after Kevin Trudeau and another company that was using resonant projections from a machine, modeling homeopathy that I found desteni. This is all another level of what brought me here. The side of the behaviors around me, instead of the “ white light’ inner things going on.
I/we have to go beyond limited understandings in order to realize what is actually happening here. So, ambiguity has to be walked into understanding through forgiveness to what is here as how the physical functions. Within allowing ambiguities to warp us into a cognitive dissonance, making connections that are limited, mapped into mind, and the outcome is a lack of common sense.
The fantasy world of our desires, are our escapes, our escapades into mind, of lesser understanding, limited insight, this has to be brought back here, down to earth. The form of earth is many men on the surface of this earth. It is many men, together who organize this earth, thus a separating/dividing system would voice the idea of a superhero, a “ one” that would come and solve all the problems on earth, because this would create those questioning, the human who is able to realize something is “not right” into a state of waiting. Thus the idea of a super hero, a savior, is to have the human wait for a change coming from one thing despite the common sense of the form on earth of many men working together as how things are done and organized. The being of self as wanting a superhero, a “ one” is self lost in a fantasy as an idea that waiting is okay. Thus “ waiting” is an indoctrination, a by product of the belief system of there being a ‘One” or a super hero. The collective as the human, as man is the “One” that can reorganize this world into all being able to understand the life that we are composed of, which is more than able to self realize because this is what we are! Duh.
Why would Monsanto want what it does to be hidden, using “trade secrets “ and patent “laws” to say that its information is “ private”. It cannot be private if the effects are public! And the fact that this information is being hidden, has the supposed “ need” to be hidden, as non transparent, is saying loud and clear that there is omission, that what is being done within these hidden practices is not what is best for all. If something were non destructive in any way, it would not need to be hidden. Thus the behavior of Monsanto is revealing its awareness of its abuse and the effects it will have on the public.
This, in tandem with the collectively believed idea of a superhero despite the obvious physical fact of how the physical earth world functions, that being many men working together being the means of accomplishment of working with earth, inhibits the collective from standing up within behaviors that are actually telling us that something is not what is best for this earth.
Our governments are no longer working for us. This does not mean that all government workers are “ bad” they are simply afraid to say anything for fear of losing their jobs, and or so caught up in the process of self interest for the few, that they cannot see the forest through the trees. No matter where one is, one can contribute to the change that is needed. One can remain in their job and monetarily give, support a system that puts and end to all this hiding and hero worship, as it has not changed this world, it is the cause of the problem of inequality. What is of value is self as life, here. Let’s create a system that is the manifestation of this, a system that supports all life, that ends hiding and war, that uses the form and function of earth to build a world that is best for all, using what is here that is real, the hands, the many hands of men. Anyway, it would actually be a lot of fun. Much better than all this stress and worry and addictions that are never satisfied. Imagine being able to use your common sense, and be here, helping and giving and no longer needing to hide your SELF here. This is Equal Money, this is realizing the common sense of life, here.

Day 55 Consumerist sex is not physical intimacy.

Day 55 Consumerist sex is not physical intimacy.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe I must be feminine to get a man. to have a man

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe the images in and as my mind that I must dress the part of the female to get a man

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow the voice in and as my mind tell me that I am supposed to have a man.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am not attractive enough for men, which is why I do not have  a man, when I do not dress the part and men have told me I need to “dress the part” more than I do, when I feel fake when I do this.

I forgive myself for not having listened to myself when a question came up that I asked which was “why do I need to have a man.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to sometimes go and look in magazines and at other women to measure myself next to them when I feel that I am lacking something because I do not have a man, when another part of me asks myself the question, “why do I need a man.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have developed a persona of bitterness about not having a man, about being bitter that men as ego, want what supports their ego and I am bitter about this when i feel that I am not seen, not having realized that the being of self as ego sees only its own desire, which is superficial, and even if having some “depth” is still ego and the nature of ego is to see only its limited idol as idea, a picture presentation of no insight and thus what is here will never match the image as idea as idol as picture in and as the representation of ego, built by accepted and allowed ideas according to culture, race, class, money, fear, envy, idea, self personification.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see how limited the mind is in fact, how it has nothing to do with common sense of this physical world, and in its very limitation in total separation from life, thus from self as life, and thus, with such a man, there can be no consideration of self as life, and so no consideration or enjoyment of myself as a woman and how my human physical body works and thus no sexual enjoyment, as the man will move as image, watching his dick move, avoiding intimacy physically, wanting the radio on, being absent after sex as the seeing of himself as what has been accepted and allowed as himself would be too overwhelming, as if to allow vulnerability would mean he was no longer a manly man, which means the man is so in his ego head, the female cannot possibly have a fulfilling sexual experience, so ego sex is meaningless and useless and not worth the effort of time as it is not real, and will show up with the appearance of herpes sores on the mouth, as herpes is an indication of mind sex.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that physical intimacy with myself , becoming aware of myself physicall,y necessitates the company of a man.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that physical intimacy has nothing to do with any image, any idea, any combination of man, or image, of outside “thing” as being intimate with myself as being aware, one and equal to my self as my human physical body has nothing to do with the way sex is presented by the consumerist society.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize and understand that when I stand and stare at a woman or a man, and “fluff” myself up like a rooster, I am in fact abusing that object I allow to create desire in and as my human self, as my thoughts are real, and to project as my mind ideas and desires for another is to abuse the life that is me, and the life I re-view through and as my mind, as I render the object less than life, and turn the physical life into a picture to titillate myself in and as the idea of my self as my mind, thus is the very existence of myself as mind/picture desire/want/and need abuse of life, and limitation of myself into obsession and possession of image, and image is separation from this physical world, as simple and as plain as that, in all common sense, thus mind is an addiction separate from this physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to ask my self how this image in and as my mind is being generated, where this image in and as my mind must use something to generate its “lights,” just as a television needs something to generate images, so does my mind, and that perhaps it is my human physical body that generates this mind imagery, this separation from being directive with the ability of my human physical body to sense directly, and that this separation into mind imagery is perhaps consuming my human physical body, just as the tele consumes electricity, where my human physical body actually also has an electrical flow, and that perhaps this is how the images in and as my mind are generated, thereby sucking my human physical body dry, turning my hair white, bending my back, wrinkling my skin until I am old and immobile, all because I followed false images of one dimension in and as my mind, images collected and built by a world believing mind imagery to be real, where all I leaned was to memorize and follow the mind and not to use and be one and equal to my human physical body here, in and as breath, where it will take an effort to clean up the image shit I have collected throughout my self, and thus to clean up the very being of myself here as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that if I had satisfactory sex, then I would not need to be obsessed and possessed with needing to have sex, and thus that there is so much image display pertaining to sex all over this world, the human is clearly not satisfied sexually.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that just as with sexual imagery and thus energy within as pictures generated to stimulate, so too am I an image maker when I worry about the future, when I fear my neighbor, when I move my self in and as beliefs and ideas about what I need be, as image to survive, as it is all based on personification and thus image, followed in and as mind, which means I am generating conscious imagery, just like a television, and if I were to look I would find these images mimic what exists as propagated by the consumerist world, a world that has no consideration for this earth, a world that stages world meetings and events in the name of problem resolution, yet the abuse of earth continues and there is another staged event, which clearly shows that the “staged” events for world peace, or environmental concerns are in fact just a drama to placate those concerned and the masses because if actual physical change occurred, then there would not be a need for another staged problem acknowledgement and resolution event, so evil is the nature of a profit based system.

I commit my self to stopping my mind of imagery through self forgiveness, writing and corrective application, to stop the television show in and as my mind.

I commit myself to realizing that the moment I find myself in a alternate reality day dream of comparison that I have become addicted to the images in and as my mind, and that chemically my body is habituated to the chemistry of my highs and lows associated with gain and loss within a profit based system that has developed a consumerist society.

I commit my self to stopping the accepted and allowed television in and as my mind, as it turns me into a machine that makes me equal and one to what is presently allowed on this earth, as the earth is being consumed without consideration for this physical world, in and as ways that sustain and use what is here in common sense of how this physical world works, within this, just as this earth is being consumed, so is my human physical body.

I commit myself to stopping the mind and bringing myself back to my human physical body, to walk in common sense with and as the physical, to direct myself one and equal to the physical, as what is best for all is best for self one and equal to the physical, and then to stand within the directive principle of what is best for all, as in giving as one would like to receive, as in loving my neighbor as myself, to begin to create a world that includes this physical earth and all that is here equal and one as life.

I commit myself to remaining vigil, in and as breath, as remaining vigilant in and as breath is, in placing myself here, holding a vigil to life as there is no other choice.

I commit myself to exposing how the consumerist hype reflects the personification of myself in and as the image and response - as back chat- as my mind that is myself in separation of life, a limited design that has not included this physical world.

I commit myself to voicing  how the beliefs propagated by profiteering broadcasters have no common sense of this physical world and are in fact contrary to this physical world, so evident in the abuse that exists on this earth, to soil, plant, animal, human, air, water, organisms, life, that there is no other choice but to stop this physical human walking in an alternate reality in and as their minds, where what the human seeks is oneness and equality with this earth, to actually physically live, where the solution is to become one and equal to the physical, to birth life into and one with the physical.

I commit my self to reading self forgiveness blogs for twenty one days, and to suspend everything I believe, to stand back to look, to see, to watch, the behavior of myself and the people I am directly involved with, to stand back and to breath, to watch the news, to pay attention to events internationally, and locally, to stand back and suspend what I am, using breath, to look objectively at what is here, to begin to realize the patterns and separations existent on earth that when viewed begin to have myself developing questions, where the questioning is myself realizing that there is a lack on common sense being utilized in this world, where I can clearly see the desteni message is a description of what I am, and that this is the proof, easy for me to see realize and understand and thus validate for myself, as the message is of common sense as life, and this is what I am if I stop and breath and allow myself to be this, as this is here, and not the mind.

Masturbation

What is sex?

The Structural Resonance