I had a conversation within someone where the ‘ math’ or equation as words contained value judgements as ideas, beliefs and opinions. Myself, though not emotionally reactive to a large degree, found myself rushing to answer to ideas brought forward. It is about, for me at the moment, bringing things down to practical basics, or, down to real time, on a physical planet, down to the ground, to the simple.
It is when things are voiced again, as though being brought forward as a truth, lacking details of the basics as to what we human beings are, and how we accumulated what we practice in thought, word and deed, that I sense within me a rushing, which is a fear, as a drive to be correct or right. In this I lose my own perspective, and begin to drive, to combat, to force, to beg.
I noticed that my shoulders come forward as though they are a protective border for my chest, as though I sink in my chest, thrust out my arms in a behavior of expecting a blow. IT is as though the ‘ blow’ of something, already happened. It is as though, the words or behaviors which are a collection of words, reflecting ideas, opinions and beliefs, based on a past, on an environment, where the words also reveal wants and needs in relation to fulfilling ideas, and beliefs and opinions, to make such correct, or dominant, towards a goal that is in itself, lacking consideration of all things, of the basic starting point of being a physical being on a physical planet. Instead, a layer of ideology, lacking practical consideration, is what is projected, personified, self defining, becoming a self interest elevated from the practical, this in itself lacking in any real sustainability, thus the nature of it, is, as energy, unsustainable, uncertain, and therefor, this has a forcing that is justification, because one has to get this out fast, in a way, before it is exposed, revealed, seen for what it is as what a justification hides. An emotional firewall of distraction, in protection of what?
With the way I hold my shoulders, there is an underlying belief, that I am constantly in combat, as such movements of self preservation as personality, are the way things are. I must brace myself for the storm. It is so interesting, how what we practice, as what we believe, accumulates into physical behaviors, where I, as a reference, realize that I practiced this fear, this protection and defense, based on expectation as a judgement, that I am constantly being bombarded with stories of information lacking practical grounding in reality, ( as I am/was the same as what I speak of) and that I must brace myself for this. I was so busy with this that I did not realize that which I did, that which I accepted, that which I then practiced, based on a belief, again and again and again, until this became so automated and embedded into my flesh, that it took time within slowing down and breathing, getting out and working through this, until I began to notice myself own self accepted constructions automated into my very flesh, determining my starting point, even when I realized this, slowed down listened to the words of others - all based in the same manner yet of differing measure - that I began to see where the process of synchronizing all of this, within and without, revealed how much I was doing that which I was unaware of, it had become such a habit. And, to note, that I feel like I am having deja vu, in this moment, because I have been here before, realizing the depth of my own deception in the construction of my own personification, of ideas, beliefs and opinions.
How, on the one hand, within learning a musical instrument, I could see what the accumulation of my actions allowed, and moved into a flow, that I could them become automated in, to the degree where I actually lost control, and then had to reintegrate my movements with presence, and yet, not see this in who and what I am as a living human being on a physical planet? The simplicity with which manipulation is achieved, is astounding. Chaos, is done through limitation. That limitation separates from a natural awareness, as evident in the fact that children are not born with the dogma of religion or politics. And at this point in history, we can see that the religions and politics we allow on this planet, are not grounded in practical applications that consider all things and only take that which does no harm, which, to note, would mean that ensuring no harm means really taking the time to understand things, practically. Our religions and political systems tout themselves as lending morality, which if they need to tout this, it begs the question as to why? Because having to say something in a separate context, means that it is no longer self evident- which is a red flag in itself. A real morality, would be an honesty about the practical, giving as one would receive, which means doing unto another as the self would for the self, and the self, as life, would in a state of balance, not choose harm.
In my conversation, that I noticed a rushing to prove something, even though smaller, I noticed my shoulders and chest taking on a formation of “expectation of coming blows”, done verbally, as a math of constructs as ideas, that I had to move in some way towards. It can be so subtle, what has accumulated and become automatically personified. When I am this, I am not objective about the content, nor am I as available to the math as the words, because I am caught up in a focus of expectation as protection, instead of real processing of reality. Again, I must realize that nothing can define me, but what I accept and allow. And, that what is here can be ‘ played’ with as reformed, as grounded in the practical, in synch with this reality. And, also, that words can be used to define, to clarify, and to investigate to lend greater presence into awareness of all things. It is, in some ways, that considering the physical, is far easier than moving through mind constructs that I have me-more-eyed ( a resonant energy memory), automated and inter-netted within and as me, in separation from reality. Being in the math of a resonant memory, moves, by design, like a slow motion syrup. At times, with some, it is as though it can be sensed as a thick moving time frame- like a piece of music lost in a tempo unaware of itself.
In tandem with this, is that sense of ‘ playing’ in a quiet and calm manner, where that construct of information comes like a movie towards me, as words, and behaviors somewhat similar to my own, of different dimension and color, as that same automation in others as my own, that sometimes I get a glimpse of, a sense of joy as being at ease can exist. It is like it is a problem that can be solved, like when one really knows their algebra, and can see the answer to the equation instantly, as one has practiced it enough to get to that point. And yet, again, a morality in some way, within me, that moving into being playful and joyful about this, is simply not allowed. It is like a line I cannot cross. I see fear, and a belief that such is not possible. Like, how dare I even think about being this. And a sense that being so, leads to mistakes. Yet, if I look, the one fed the other, as the protection and defense system of expecting blows, which is a belief that I am somehow not enough, as I did not know how to decode and recode with clear communication, as I was more than likely a child, lacking language, that this whole persona - as a math, as a measure- was the choice that I made. I accepted and allowed this, and no one can change this but the self as me. It does not matter if it is my fault alone or not. And yet, calling this out by name, cancels it out, as calling things by name takes away that which is supposed, or assumed to be hidden. It is like, ‘ I can no longer go there.”
I met with another person, who agreed with the things I am saying above, and yet, on another front they denied in action that of which they agreed. They said they could not read a book that presented information through a venue that was overall counter to their belief. This means they could not process out the relationship within the overall venue, to see the good in the book that was more of a universal form. This in itself, reveals a relationship too polarized and of judgement, as the emotional value judgement about something, was too prominent, to bypass, to see through the graph into the substantive elements in the construct. I myself am guilty of this, as there are books I pick up to read that have so much clutter around a cool point, that I decide to put them down.
Last night I tested this out, and picked up such a book, and decided to highlight the key points that made sense, around the clutter. It made processing the form, the information, with greater ease, as I gave myself a behavior, to ground in the noise of the book’s words. It was also a point of looking at where I was rushing through passages, to make sure I was clear on my assessment, and to see that the person writing the book was themselves processing to make more sense. We must remember that words on a page, are just that, they can never be the real thing, and they always describe something. Unless one has real living experience with something, one cannot make a determination that the words on a page are valid. And, to realize, that there is so much in our immediate environments that reflect this reality, that we can relate things to the world around us to realize if words on a page are indeed substantive. For example, I have seen more and more wild animals with mange that I can remember in my local environment. This is a red flag, because it shows an imbalance in nature, a tipping point in some way. With all the chemicals humans are taking and using, as pesticides and herbicides, did we not realize that such things of apparent no-significant-difference would eventually accumulate in our environments though our discharge of waste from what we eat and the chemicals that we take to supposedly maintain our health? Would not such things in the law of building through accumulation, become an elephant in the room, to the extent they burdened the environment to the point it weakened and effected the natural wild life? Yes, and this reveals how deep and ingrained is a personification in separation from this living reality. One must ask one’s self how automated has one become as ideas, beliefs and opinions, that motivate actions in a zombified way that is a state of distraction via a composed resonant memory, to the extent one is not aware of what one places in one’s body and how much, over time the accumulation of such, as tiny small movements, affects the ecology of the planet.
The quantification of separation is visible, in every move, in every word. One need only slow down, breath, begin to deconstruct one’s accepted and allowed personality as automated behaviors, and see through the emotional firewall built of limited and supposed beliefs to this living physical reality. One must, open up one’s chest of sensibility , as presence, and realize the value is life, as living in a physical composition as what life would be within the very means as the physical and being present within this, in consideration of all things, realizing the patterns of separation as a lack of focus on this living reality. Overall, what is more constant, is the symbiotic regenerative nature of a tree, than what are the practices of men at this point in time on this earth. One must change up one’s processing, deconstruct a resonant memory and begin moving in relating words to reality, and thereby, begin to see in the momentum a default of automated beliefs, made personalities and deconstruct them to reconstruct a more balanced and grounded and respectful practice that is a relationship of living equal and one to how things are built, and how things in nature work, and how one can move more in synch with life.
