A natural ability to be PRESENT Day 768

I have moments from the past where I looked at something and had a noses that something was out of whack. It usually was a focus where I could not explain why I thought something was out of whack, or, as another way to say this is, ‘ not in synch.”

This is something I think is innate to all of us, as what we are. This is something that each one of us can realize. If anything we get caught up in the details of expressing ourselves as we cannot line up the words that paint the picture of the math that we see, or sense, being not in synch, somehow, in the world around us. 

I can think of numerous instances in my life where this has happened. And I can compare this to performing to realize, as I had over the years, of what was happening that was the cause of both being able to sense something being out of synch and an ability to not quite be able to call out by name the math, the movement, the sense of the whole not being in balance. It is all around us, and we are the perfect mechanisms to understand this. We have all sensed this at some point in our lives. It has to be because of what we are, as forms, in totality. The statement that the veil is thin, is around and has been around for a reason, because it is a description of what is happening. It sticks , it holds, it cannot be denied.

I remember an instance where I really looked at my nephew, who is autistic.  I mean, I stood there and really LOOKED. Meaning, I sensed him, in calm, just stood there and sensed him. Instead of being in fear of his erratic and unconventional movements, in relation to comparison ONLY, based on comparison within standard expectations, I LOOKED at him. I was not in a state of resistance, I just LOOKED. What came to me was a sense that he was completely out of synch within himself.  It appeared that all the anxieties I knew from my family where swirling around ‘ in there’ and that this being was simply not able to synchronize with presence, his body and presence in a stable way, in a focus without an interference causing a huge effort to get himself to focus here. 

Having such a ‘ thought’ about this, and this was before desteni , is overall telling. Why do I not trust such a thing? And why can I not see my own details that yet lack details? And why not stand up and say this! Why not trust myself enough to speak up as this? In all common sense we are physical BIO- LOGICal forms, and within my sense of a LACK of an ability to FOCUS as what I see, I am basically telling myself, revealing to myself, what is actually happening to the being in space and time. How is it that what is so obvious is ignored? I mean, if I can sense water getting hot to make tea, for example, or if I can sense a change in barometric pressure, or if I can feel the bite of a tick, why the fuck can I not sense the movement and flow and focus of another human being? Of course I can, as the very nature of what and who I am as the same physical information as this world around me. The only thing that would stop this, is information counter to this, said again ad again and again, that I would begin to FOLLOW that would be counter to what the FUCK I AM! What do we think the whole “ Plato’s wall” and  the Machiavellian construct of voicing blame and spite as dis- SENT as information is and does? The math of separation is VISIBLE and all around us!  In so many ways, it is actually not a rocket science, or, one could say we are the most perfect of mechanisms to sense the science of the physical around us. And why? Because we are of the same stuff! 

An act of seeing ONLY the lack, and not also realizing the means of change out of that lack, in tandem with the behavior of calling out that lack ONLY, is a distraction of looking at the self - that self that has an innate ability to realize when something in this physical realm is out of synch, is out of harmony, is out of real presence, as out of FOCUS HERE.  To ignore, or reject, or not use this sensibility as who and what we are, and to ONLY point out that lack - is that same sensibility being used, which means a sensibility exists! It is an admission of what we are, it is only that it is being MISS-used. 

If one focuses ONLY on a resonant belief that was accepted and recited or used again and again, and FOLLOWED as that resonant belief within,  which is a practice of and as following something instead of using an innate sense, which is a rejection of the self as life - life being a natural sensibility - then one becomes out of synch with this reality. This is something that no one can blame on any one or thing around them. And it can only be self corrected. This is a resonant entity, it is a MINED CON-SCIENCE. One has become and practices a consciousness of separation.  The subconscious being the foundation of the parents being the same, and the unconscious this of the overall system, all accumulations as ideas, beliefs and opinions, composed in separation as a focus on LIMITED information accepted and allowed. This is, in other words, not a rocket science. The degree to which one cannot realize this, is the degree of one’s separation. It is visible in how much one projects the limited storied information onto objects around one, instead of standing within what is natural and innate, which is the ability to sense the whole and the parts, that ‘ nagging ‘ sense that something is out of whack, that each and every one of us has as who and what we really are. 

If one does a discipline, such as performing with an instrument, in a group, it begins, over time, to become obvious when one is not in synch with the group and begs the question as to what is causing this out-of-synchness. The only thing that can block this, is within the self. One must ask the question as to what is blocking the focus ? One must listen to the body to realize what it is that is blocking the focus. What I noticed was that a part of me was focusing on, my children, when they were  younger- for example. I had to learn to let one thing go, in the space for the moment that I was in, and focus on where I was. A consequence of this, after I had realized this, was that then chancing from the one to the other, was in itself challenging. This revealed to me that I was sluggish within myself, but in common sense I should be able to do this, as this was actually being mature ( as the terms I used and learned within this discipline).  This, overall, is being a master of self, and creating a self. Yet, overall, this begged another question as to why any resistance to something was not realized for what it was, and why our system did not take this into consideration and even used this for gain, through forcing beliefs, and dis-allowing this to live in synch with this reality and how this all works! How many times has one realized that past actions were not what was best, and has shame for such actions, not wanting to go back and correct them? How many times have we wallowed in such, defining ourselves as such, using this very limited piece of a movement, to define ourselves to make ourselves ‘ better’ within a bubble of realization, instead of moving beyond this into realizing the moving parts within the whole, in relation to all of this? It is an indication of having lost a focus on the whole, which means one has an embedded resonance that has become larger than reality, that is what is distracting the self from being who and what we are by capacity, into sensing mis-takes of and as our state of being, in relation to an innate ability to SENSE, to be in COMMON SENSE of the overall movement and expression of this LIVING REALITY around us that is the same as us. This reality, as the physical is a beautiful design. We are the means to understand and create.  We need only recognize the resonant ghost of mis-information through limited story accepted and allowed as reality, yet not ourselves standing within ourselves as who and what we really are. And, in a sense, all of our actions are us wanting to ultimately be in synch with this reality, because it is who and what we really are as this is the means of us being in living expression. 

Just look at all the dogmas of self definition, based on environment and culture, the dogmas of religion and politics, ask yourself if these things lend life expression. Hold your breath, focus on those values and see if they can ultimately sustain you, or if what sustains you is BREATHING.  This means that the PHYSICAL trees are necessary, or supersede any inner BELIEF system. Thus, what is ultimately real? 

An interesting thing happened those years I was performing with small groups. As I started to sort this out within myself, to realize what I was doing within myself, I had people come up to me and say to me that I had a lot of PRESENCE on stage.  I looked at this, with surprise and self interest, as I did that of which I speak, and did not relate this to what I was sorting out and realizing within myself. Yet, as I become more a master of myself, within my self, in relation to what I was doing, that focus improved and people noticed it. 

What also happened, is nasty comments also came to me. It appeared as an  out-of-context statement. I would react, yet also, had experienced a sense of myself knowing when I was in synch and present, meaning I knew when I was in focus, what I had not rehearsed enough etc. to know that no one could really know what I was being but myself. This was enough to begin to know the difference between supportive criticism and just simple nasty criticism. 

Supportive criticism opens doors, as though it defines what one already senses, and is very clear- meaning one sees it immediately and is thankful. Nasty criticism usually makes no sense, and confuses. And yet, I know very good players who have a hard time between the two, which is an indication of not being in synch in itself- but that is within the individual. 

If I can sense this, and this is something that is known, it means that that same sense in the self, is alive and present. The ability to sense the different colors of this, overall substantiates what is innate within all of us, as who and what we are, as living beings that are physical, and can sense the most subtle of things, down to seeing, realizing and understanding when we face an autistic person, that what is happening with that person, is a serious state of being out of synch with reality, with this physical reality. 

This means that it is probably a cause of a number of things, that we have allowed pollutants in our environment from NOT LOOKING, and we have allowed a resonance of NOT LOOKING, that is causing what we are to be out of synch. We are therefor creating physical discord with reality within and as what we are placing as a math of separation, as a measure of separation as what we hold within us, that is of limited information, to inform the physical. It is , if we LOOK , as what is natural to what and who we are,  the cause of so much out-of-synchness in our world today. We are moving against life. Yet we are, as the very nature of ourselves and the physical, as what is natural, the ability to move in synch with creation, as the physical reality that is life that is all around us. 

On the world stage, it appears to me, that the bully of the media and certain institutions we have collectively allowed and as men, because the power is in the numbers, as men composing the system - it appears to me, that just as a nasty person realizing in contrast to a noticeable presence, attack and try and force a limitation to hide a reality. This behavior in itself screaming a separation from self, not wanting anyone to see that that self has rejected itself as life, and moving to attack anything that exposes its separation, and/or in many ways, a crying out of separation, as the practice of separation is all that is known, and all the expression of the entity knows how to be. So is it with some of our present systems, such as the CDC and the whole vaccine scenario. it is like it is screaming its demise, trying to hold onto something that is being exposed, and instead of LOOKING, does everything in its capacity to continue a false narrative. Thus, the movement of lack, in the overall system, behaves the same as what I experienced in my life in relation to movements and expressions around me. Thus, it is  a pattern, recognizable, and of a measure, or math in this reality, visible and understandable within its accepted and allowed state of being. We individuals are no different. Such patterns can only exist within small measure, as a separation is a loss of presence, and only able to hold a chaos of no real self directive capacity- which is visible in its lack. If we take the time to look, can we not see the actions of institutions being that scared accusatory voice that uses hyperbole as limited value judgements that have no real clear description and directive practical measurable steps that open awareness, that point out where one is, with clarity and then give a measure that appears to voice just what one was seeing but was only on the cusp of calling out by name with clarity in the moment and therefor incredibly thankful of the clarity that defines effective practice that is a joy in and as self discovery into real self creation? The difference between the two is HUGE, and visible, if one takes the time to really LOOK.  This ability is the capacity of who and what each and everyone of us is as life. It is time that we create ourselves as life, which means to stand in the image and likeness of this practical and physical and visible reality. We all have moments where we realize this. We need only LOOK here. Breathe. 

Day 700 the voice of the words ' no' and the word 'LOOK' within and as me.

Lately I feel like I am being crushed.  Yet is this being wound up in the mind?

Then I remembered that what goes on in my head, is not real. And that in this process, things can get more intense the smaller they appear to become. Sometimes it takes me by surprise.

No matter what is happening in my mind, as what I believe, has nothing to do with anyone or anything but myself. In reality, the being of myself here, in a physical world is simple in comparison, because the physical is always right here, right in front of me.

When I have to do something that involves the systems of men, I begin to get anxious. Every year, at tax time I get anxious. I get all wound up. This is also based on a belief, as I was not taught about taxes but in some very general way.  I have an idea of the ordering systems being some distant entity over which I have no control. In this I forget that these system are composed of men. I have to remind myself of the physical of the practical.  No man is an island, and no road to Rome was built by one man, though an entity on the hill would preach such a story, because it is such an illusion that maintains the hill.  To put these words into common sense, removing the parable that is what comes to be so believed it is crushing of the very spirit of life I can describe what really exists as a physical form around me. ( lol para bull ; like that para normal, but even more descriptive as it is the para BS.)

The one system I have gotten anxious about is doing my taxes, even though when I have had problems, I interacted with people and sorted them out. This has happened with many of the systems of men that I have had ideas about, seeing each member the same as another, having accepted the personalities of the role and not taking the time to notice the person within.

For me, I can remember experiencing this slow motion change in my teenage years. In some respects it is considered to be the maturation process. Yet is is not. It is instead the rejection of one’s self into an acceptance of a limited role, a persona to fit into a role. The memory is clear to me, I am sitting at a table with a bunch of my peers who had become models. I sat there and suddenly could see that something was being lost. The facades based on ideas of how one should be, within that role, were being projected in the words and manners of my peers, and what was of more ease, and more joie de vie, and something I called ‘ more unique’ was being lost.  If one looks, one can see the pairing of the seed in process and expression, and the idea that this is happening can cause a small voice to say ‘ no’  and within myself a voice that says ‘ LOOK” yet this voice of ‘ LOOK” is more in self interest, because I am saying this to myself to remember this very thing that I write here. It is something I am saying to myself, as though I am going to remember what I see happening, even if I have to keep it to myself.

lol, my parents used to get me a Santa Claus ornament every year, because they said I continually carried the ‘ light’ . Meaning, I never gave up, I would not stop believing that there was another way, that what we are doing does not make sense.

I remember waking up sometimes and as I lay in bed I had this presence around that  felt like it was crushing me. It happened so many times, that when it came I dreaded it. It took me years to get sick of it happening, to the point where one day it just said, fuck this I am going in. And there was nothing there, it was all smoke and mirrors. And it was me who was allowing it. It was not real. Shortly thereafter, I found destini .

My ‘ no’ was my awareness of something being ‘ messed up’ and my ‘ LOOK’ was my own protection and defense to remember, to hold onto remembering on some level that at times appeared to be impossible to hold onto. And then within myself I would wist and turn just to remember.  In this I would get all wound up. Like I was at war with this presence of this weight that I  sense.

Around the same time that I found destine, I began to notice that people talked at me. Meaning that they repeated things, and I was supposed to accept that value, when that value did not explain things in any way, It was just a value. This was when I decided to investigate psychology, yet within my investigations I only found endless description using many different words, the measure of clarity was minuscule.  It was the same way in the education system, endless words, stories of good practices, using personal anecdotal experiences that were about one child, and not about a group. There were these huge books I had to read filled with this. This was another situation where I started to get wound up and squirm within myself. It was that I had not voted this out, and/or feared speaking up about the simple.

Even when I got my degree in education I had problems. I asked too many questions that could not be answered, and eventually the staff reacted and called me to be grilled in front of a panel. On some level I understood that I needed to only regurgitate the information. My grades were all top of the line, so that was not a problem. I just told them what they wanted to hear. They visibly relaxed. Later, I asked the questions again and the response was more honest , it was “ We don’t know how to do that.’  I was so stunned, I went mute. 

I must become practical. I can realize that the system has become a storm of such reactions, and to stand and to bring in solutions, is going to mean standing within what are people, not remembering themselves, and yet they are right here. I am right here. I can, as I have done with my taxes, stand and sort out, no matter what because I am always right here, and what information comes up is a consequence of myself not standing grounded here in respect of the physical. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear information.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create an information within and as me, as words and ideas, beliefs and opinions to protect myself within and as remembering that something makes no sense in this world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to say within myself ‘ no’ in relation to what exists, which is a form of standing as rejection in self protection and defense, and also acknowledging that which was noticed yet believed by me to stand outside of, not addressing this and instead noting it, in self interest and a belief that it was impossible to address.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within all of this, I watched how this was created, how the separation into and as a mind consciousness in separation from practical reality was built, at times seeing the patterns and speaking up about them, where it appeared I had some intuitive ability to understand things and therefor was insightful at times, which is really very limited thinking.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a positive charge on the word ‘ intuitive’ as though it made me special.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to forget that what is here is composed of men, as it is men who hold this together, thus to imagine the systems, like the IRS as being some huge entity with no name, is an illusion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get all wound up within and as ideas that the system and the mind is this huge amorphous entity that has no name, and is something that I must remember myself within, as this is not addressing a past that watched this being formed, and realizing that it is composed on nothing of real substance here.

When and as I find myself becoming anxious, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I remember that I am here, on a physical planet where practical actions create life.

When and as I find myself moving into a very quiet place within and as myself  as that ‘no’ I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I remember myself to the physical world, a world with systems that are composed of men.

When and as I find myself rushing to ‘ LOOK” I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that I can look here, ground myself here, that the values, as the charged emotions are my own accepted and allowed reactions to un ungrounded information , a separation from reality as the physical.

When and as I find myself believing that I am not enough to sort through such separations I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that inherent potential within as that insight within another that is the same as me, grounding ideas, beliefs and opinions as information into the practical, here as the practical real world is always right here, and the misinformation reveals its separation in limited thinking that misses what is in plain sight here.

When and as I find myself fearing to point out the practical and tell stories of my own separations, to become intimate with personalities and the practical, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I allow myself to come here, to be here.

When and as I find myself believing that there is some huge entity out there that has no name, I stop and  breath, and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that I am life, and thus I can practice life, and thus I move in a practice that grounds myself here, and considers all things, as much as I am able,  to ground myself into who and what I am as a physical expression that is the practice of life, here.

When and as I find myself getting all wound up in anxiousness,  I stop and I breath, and I see, realize and understand that friction and conflict I accept and allow within and as me, as  noticing something is losing itself, where I focus only on the limited in fear of addressing it openly, and become quiet in self protection and defense, to look and avoid, overall myself rejecting the practical to which I can respond as I am here, present, noticing the separation, thus can I stand in the storm and remain present here.

When and as I notice a tension of reaction as anger, which is fear, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and  see, realize and understand that I can assess and investigate measure as what and who I am as a physical being, as I am a physical form that is like the most perfect calculator, and thus, I can go easy on myself as take the time to untime me here, to remain present in awareness of the physical, as it is always right here.