Day 313 Disgust Character Behavioral Dimension

I have this memory coming up again, where i am in high school in New York and int he apartment of a major game player within the fashion industry. He is holding out a bowl of coke to myself and a friend and a friend of my sister.
I am within a reaction of being very angry. I had to leave I was so angry. At the time all I wanted to do was take that bowl of white powdery coke and smash it on the table.
This was behavior as a reaction and not myself looking at and realizing how such an act came to exist within this world. I was limited and blamed a singular point within a whole chain of consequence of profit that created such a scenario, which was a human being believing they were more than another, which is what I was being within my own behavior, more judgement.
My anger and judgment towards this one person was not going to stop what created this abuse. What exists on earth that allows and creates a need to use drugs to entertain and escape was what needed to be realized. I had already learned that drugs were not worth it. They altered reality and this was not something that was real. At the time I was a teenager, one who was not interested in drugs, which is not to say I did not try them, they just did not seem what they were promised to be, so I never fell under their spell. Perhaps if my existence had been more difficult such exposure would have had a different outcome, as there were models who got caught up in the spell of drugs.
So my reactions of righteousness and disgust were not a movement of solution and/or prevention, they were reactions only, without stopping and asking why existence contained such limiting experiences. Such reactions are not being self responsible for and as life in consideration of all life, this which is the responsibility of each and everyone of us on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have followed this friend, who I had followed before and wound up in a similar situation, thus I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have used my common sense within and as realizing I should never have made this stop off en-route to another gathering as this girl was socially involved in the modeling world, whereas I was no longer involved yet had retained some “friends” from this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become an emotional reaction of disgust and anger to and towards one of the men offering the coke, not seeingrealizing and understanding that such a reaction was fear and self anger, and self disgust for not using my common sense, both within the immediate context and within taking the time to investigate how the present systems functions and why older men were trying to become sugar daddy’s to teenage girls and thus serving their own desires without any consideration for the life of that teenage girl who is in many ways still a child, which is to say that this is an act that does not consider life, and only considers a limited desire, as an act that does not respect life, is a limited act within a limited self awareness of life, which begs the question as to why such would exist.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of anger as at the time I was also intimidated by these men, and feared having to say no to them, eventhought this was the only choice, which was the choice taken, I was having to say no within a situation that had the potential to be threatening for which I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been frightened, and thus angry, not seeing realizing and understanding that I can let this emotion go, as this is in the past and not what is here, as myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been ashamed that I had allowed myself to walk into this situation having had a similar experience one other time with this same girl, were drugs were involved.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I was ashamed of myself for having gone with this girl because I rather go to an event with another than alone, and so, against my better judgement I joined up with this girl in fear of being alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to carry this shame with me, as me, in and as a memory, to not let this memory go, to see, realize and understand that this is not myself here,as this is from the past and does not define myself here, within this moment, within this breath, unless I accept and allow this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that this even at that time in that moment, I alone could not have changed the world, as the existence of drugs, as this takes an understanding of why such a thing exists within the whole, which requires an investigation into how the present system on earth exists, without denial in beliefs in and as invisible gods, or invisible hands, as what is physically on this earth is moved by the hands of men, and thus this system can be understood through simply looking at how this world works, and as such a change will require many standing together, as history tells us that many have attempted to stand and speak up, and many stand and speak at present, yet as a “lone ranger” which is an easy target, and just as the faceless that benefit as what is behind a corporation which means the few who live lives of comfort are a group convincing the rest of humanity via media and the happy drugs of products that promise a more than, that never deliver such a promise, which we all accept and allow unless we stop and breath and investigate and self realize in common sense that we are not really living, and that to change this system will require many to stand, realize that which accepted and allowed and created this present system are the same ones, as men, who must stand and change this system into what is best for all, which means standing and being self responsible for and as life, realizing life is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my anger is myself in disgust with myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain situations that lack common sense, within and as what is not best for myself, and thus, what is not best for all, as I seek a drug by a different name, which, as in this memory, was the entertainment of going to a party, where I let down my common sense and did not follow my batter judgment of not hooking up with this friend, but was lead by a desire for entertainment in the form of a party, thus I was qualifying one type of entertainment as more than, better than another.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that yesterday when I found myself becoming the emotion of anger, I had entered into a situation where those present showed no interest, and thus not pushed the issue, as the starting point would have required at least some amount of inquiry, of which there was none and as such what can only be done is a seed planted and let it go, as just as I was as an ignorant human, as a teenager who had not in fact investigated the present system in common sense, as had this been taught, then the earth would not be what it exists as within so much disrespect for life, in and as the amount of abuse that needs but little investigation to see, realize and understand that what man has accepted and allowed is unacceptable in all common sense, and a statement that the nature of man cannot change, is in and as it self unacceptable, because if I can realize that drugs are not myself really existing here, than so can others, as such awareness is capable of being what we are, and it is only emotions, as a collection of past events as beliefs that accumulate and limited the expression of men, and since this was built up within, it can be deconstructed, just as existent systems have been constructed, can they be deconstructed, thus, the excuse - which is all it is- that I cannot change, and/or men cannot change makes no sense, and is what would be taught in a world that does not teach common sense as common sense means looking at the consequences of men, and what has been built by the hands of men, where no god, and no invisible hand can be found, if one simply investigate the practical movement of this real physical existence.

I commit myself to remaining within and as breath, to see, realize and understand that the moment i become a reaction, I am in a rush to win and not here, equal and one to the steps necessary to see, realize and understand the very consequence built that must be unbuilt, which appears to move slowly, but is simply the tack of taking down a wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas that are the very substance of life, here that are not aligned within and as what is best for all, what considers all of existence, are limitations within being equal and one, to and as what is here as this physical world, and thus are simply a self imposed burden veiling this physical world that gives freely to support life.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realizing when and as I begin to have “bouts” of feeling tired, and yawning a lot, I must slow down and breath, and write out the events of the previous day, to see, what memories come up and the sequence of my own reactions, to see, realize and understand what I am showing myself to have accepted and allowed that is in separation from realizing what behavioral consequences I have allowed as what I accepted through the teachings of a society of inequality which I had not investigated for myself.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, realizing that all reactions, as emotions and feelings and thoughts, when having a quality of aggression, or anger, or desire for attention, are myself existing within limitation and thus not moving at ease within and as common sense of here, which is being myself as life, equal and one.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, and to breath, to realize the presence of energy as friction and conflict, and to stop and investigate without fear of judgement, as judgement is a polarity of want , need and desire in self interest in fear of loss, to then without reaction, in and as common sense within being equal and one to and as breath, within the principle of oneness and equality, to direct myself here.

Day 292 Self forgiveness: Make-Up and the Modeling World

Today I put on some make-up to be presentable within the norm/expectations of the present “barbie doll” world. I don’t wear make-up, so it is something I have to learn about; the shadows on the face, the highlighting, the “bringing out of the eyes” ( so they are “blingy” lol.)
So, I am there applying this make-up and I find my self becoming increasingly aggravated and angry. The back chat starts, “ why do I have to do this”, “ this eyeliner pencil is a drag, how the hell do people do this all the time!” , “ this is so stupid!”
THen I start thinking about the whole modeling scene in New York and all those girls, those children. Then I think of all the middle aged corporate men who drooled around these girls, not caring, not seeing that these girls were children.
So, as I applied this make-up I got angry, and started rushing, getting annoyed at every little thing, Like placing my car keys on the seat next to me, and in the next moment of not being here, forgetting that I had just done this, and becoming anxious that I had somehow misplaced the keys. It all just went on and on, even though I knew this was happening, from walking the process of self forgiveness, I had to keep calming myself down, slowing down and breathing.
Okay, there is nothing necessarily wrong with wanting to add color to my face, I mean why not play with what is here, as life. And I am sure there are ways to create such mediums that are not abusive to animals, or toxic to the environment of earth, including my skin. And the wearing of color on my face does not need to be coupled with theabuse of children within the modeling/fashion industry by the overblown fantasy of the reproductive act of sex, which is really two bodies touching and need not be considered anything more, nor developed into some mental picture addiction leading to obsessive behaviors about body image - not that we should not take care of our bodies, as we should, they are life and therefor to be respected and understood. Any practice that is not what is best for anything on this planet is a crime against life. The disease here on earth is that profit has come before life, and this must stop, there is no excuse for it. Time for a direct vote, and equal life sustaining payment for all, as unequal profit based pay simply leads to the disregard of what is best for all, as survival comes before this gift of life.

Anyway, I am here to forgive my anger based on the memories from my past, where I have associated using make up with the abuse of children in the modeling world, where I made myself superior to make up in creating a relationship with make-up to men in grey suits hovering around prepubescent child girls in New York city.
This week I also came across a magazine with fashion pictures. In one of the pictures there was a child girl that had to be about 12 to 14, all dressed up with make-up. I took the picture and asked a man how old he thought the girl was, he said 20, maybe 18. I told him to look again. She was a child. I should know, my sister was such when she started modeling, she was a child, not a woman; no thighs, no breasts, a child just beginning to turn into a woman. The man looked again and found it hard to believe, he could not see through the image with the short dress and the make-up. Then he looked again and began to notice that yes, she was a child. He was shocked, or at least he “played into” what I was saying. This ignorance really gets me, that someone could be so blind and moved by an image without really looking at it, And yet, I am sure i have done the same. All that can be done is for such to be pointed out until reality is seen for what it is, and the fantastic ideas projected and advertised, that are limited and addicting, that are not real, will never satisfy. These ads are really child pornography, and the selling of a product promising happiness and fulfillment, and this promise can never be reached because it is not real, it is limited, it does not consider life in totality, absolutely. Trying to fulfill self as life, within all capacity of sensing this actual real physical world, cannot be done by themind alone, this takes awareness with self and the physical totally, not with pieces of self and not when directed from without, as only self as life, from self can life be lived, equal and one to and as the actual physical world. Slow down and start hearing what is going on in your mind. It is the voice of your fear, taught for generations, it is the map of your separation from life, and the world of profit and all it promotes as the outward projection of this limited being of each of us as what we have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry within and as putting on make-up.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become irritated within putting on make-up.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the behaviors of my past within and as judgement of past events that I was powerless to change, as I was one girl among many, and these girls were trying to make a living, as the desire to survive was the only choice many of these children believed,as all the adults around them were within the same behavior as this is what has been accepted and allowed by humans on this earth for generations, which is what is meant by the term, “ the sins of the fathers.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I became angry with this so many years ago because i believed that I could not competewith these limited values of what a woman should look like, as I did not have these kind of looks, and my sisters who were the models had to have a chaperone because the men were only considering their own desires as what had been taught as how we express ourselves within want need and desire as mind in separation from awareness of ourselves as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that no matter how much make-up I put on I will not fit the image and likeness of what is considered the face of a model, thus do I allow myself to become inferior to my own judgement that another human being is superior to me within seeing limited values as what i accept and allow, thus do I become the same as the model a separation from life within being a polar opposite.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have back chat in and as voices in my head , that criticize all aspects of the modeling industry, such as wearing make-up and high heel shoes, and tight clothes, and worrying about how I look and the behaviors of the girls and the photographers, and the business men within the industry.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become reactions in and as my mind, where I lose my sense of what is here and become anxious, not remembering from one moment to the next where I placed my keys.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as the behavior of “rushing about” because I am not comfortable with applying make-up and it ended up taking longer than I thought.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry at an eye-liner pencil, where in doing so, I am so busy being angry that i am no longer here, slowing myself down and simply practicing with applying the eye-liner slowly focusing on how this functions, where with practice it will become faster and not seem so overwhelming.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of rushing within doing something “new” within my normal ways of doing things.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow the behavior of anxiety, not seeing realizing and understanding how this causes my whole body to tense up, to the point where I am not longer able to move within this physical environment at ease, and end up dropping things and forgetting what i need to have with me.
I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding how I move from emotions to feelings, all based on the past, where I at first become angry and negative about the make up and think about the models and then call make-up stupid in and as my mind, which is an act of justification, turning a negative into a positive in self interest to place myself superior to what is negative instead of looking at what is unacceptable as the negative, which in this case is my own sense of inferiority and the abuse to these child/girls as the existent system of abuse of life, through placing life into limited delusional more than and less than expressions.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that wearing make up can be a cool way to express myself and thus, here in this moment -though I would want such products to not be harmful to this earth and its inhabitants- it is to reach into this present system and stand within and as what is best for all, as standing on the edges and pointing fingers of blame and spite will do nothing to change this world, change is walked and practiced, not something that magically appears through complaining and talking about what needs to be done, it is doing that creates.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining within each breath in each moment, and to focus myself on what is here, without judgement, without becoming the reactions in and as judgements as memories from the past, using these as determinants of the future, as this is a separation from what is actually physically here, where within allowing such behaviors I separate from here, from facing the storm of emotions and feelings and judgmental thoughts in others when I allow myself to become one and the same as mind, as a system of separation into more than and less than beliefs, opinions and ideas, rejecting what is physically here as life, and becoming the self direction in and as what is best for all, to learn to speak a living, directing word within the principle of oneness and equality, in and as how to direct oneself as life absolutely.
I commit myself to realizing that at the moment, just as that man looking at that magazine could not see the child all dressed up to look like a woman/prostitute, the present system is composed of the same movements as mind in separation from what is real, what is under the veil of the dictates of a consumerism promoting a religion of self filled with desires as product to pur-chase what can be bought to maintain and define these developed rely-igions within a profit based system of inequality, where money is used to regulate control by a few “haves’ to maintain that control, creating many have-nots within an illusionary game of fantasy in separation from what is real and right here, life, all that is needed is to stop and breath and bring ourselves out of our minds and to look, to see, realize and understand that what we seek is what we are, which is right here, which is life.
I commit myself to facing the consequences of what has been accepted and allowed on this earth, that is very quickly destroying this earth, and to stand and to walk within what abilities i have to become a directive principle within and as what is best for all, here.
I commit myself to , when and as I apply make-up to slow myself down, focus on here, apply make up without separating into judgement and emotional /feeling polaritymemory based reactions and ensuing behaviors leading to physical constriction ignorant of a common sense of the mind map/physical, to remain here, equal and one in and as breath, equal and one in and as life, here, within the principle of what is best for all is best for self, where as this, there is nothing to lose, as this is being one and equal in and as life.