Day 436 What is a capitalist?

What is a capitalist but a man who takes money as the assumed value of the ecology to support life by the hands of many men, to organize that value to flow back into sustaining the ecology from which it came, this including taking care of the hands of men who created the value, thus a capitalist is simply a measure of helping an order that circulates and cares for the physical world interactions that allow expression of life. Thus, the idea of making this point in a circulatory system an idol, is a state of ignorance that is a state of making a false idol, and thus a separation from common sense of the a physical mechanistic world. The sequence of this being a con-job made glorious through the bling of lights and sound via media, religion, consumerism, a smoke and mirrors show that is manipulation. This is an act of self interest, this self interest being in separation from common sense as life, as being able to see the nature of the physical as needing circulation, where no one thing can be owned, because what is here must circulate to support, as it is the circulation that is the movement that is what cares and thus supports life. Giving one more and suppressing life through denial of what supports the physical to live its full potential and thus become the conduit to circulate the ecology into economy to rebuild  is a crime against life.

It is time for a Living Income Guarantee, to get life circulating on earth, this being life existing in full expression, creating a heaven on earth. This that we were told we must do, it we want to become equal and one to “ god.” This is the sound of life - so to speak.

Day 322 The Global Mind of Self Interest: Bernanke and " It's Complicated"

http://www.spiegel.de/international/business/robert-zoellick-interview-us-eu-trans-atlantic-free-trade-agreement-a-890809.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/26/elizabeth-warren-ben-bernanke_n_2766368.html

I am reading this article about the supposed financial crisis and the need for a new global system and it dawns on me, in all common sense that the whole financial crisis is a scam and it does not take much to realize this.
This is a planet with resources we use to sustain ourselves, men move this resource around and create things with it to, hopefully, improve our lives, to allow us to live. We build machines to move this around and develop this. We all participate in this process, well most of us do, there are many that are born and starve, some more quickly than others and some over a longer period of time.
And then there is this thing called finance. And this thing called finance evidently determines how things move around on this earth. Yet, how can a secondary thing determine how things move around, and how can what is a system that organizes be in some kind of crisis? I mean what is done after something is made by a man, or a collective of men, it moves from one place to another, or through a physical process changes form. So, how is it that there is a financial crisis, when this is simply a thing placed on resource?
The only reason a financial crisis actually exists is because someone, or something, a collective is placing conditions on that actual physical thing being moved around, like saying, “ you who live on this part of the earth cannot have this because I want this.”
What should come before any and all conditions is support of life, period. When one person or plant or animal, when anything on this earth, needs some kind of support this should be given, absolutely, because the resources of this earth are given freely, no one can own them, they are here, they are us, they are each of us, they are what supports us, all of us, the substance of this earth is what is life, what provides life. This drama of financial crisis is a drama, an illusion, and we are all accepting this as real, and it is fabricated, it is not real. All beliefs around this can be dispersed and the complacency with which we disallow moving out of this common sense must stop. The so called “ financial crisis” is a smoke screen, an avoidance tactic, a tantrum of greed”, because it is not what does the actual physical moving of things, it is something imposed on this earth. And all based on a belief that one thing can be more than another, when what is here simply is what it is.
If I talk about bubbles being around individual people, one does not have to use this to understand, if one never experienced this, what is happening on earth because objectively the technological system that is on earth, BUILT BY MEN, reflects, broadcasts, incessantly deliniates how a human supposedly “ should be” what is needed to be this, and usesmoney to threaten life being sustained should non compliance be the choice made by an individual. Thus fear becomes larger than life, and a few supposedly live, when they are not really life either, a burden is imposed that is what is born f their lives. They will sit in an interview and spout a belief in some divine force guiding them. This is a state of delusion, and it is an illusion that, as far as I am concerned, can sit and delude itself away in a castle box, until its fantasy rots. The miss Havershome, the ones who believe they “have some” can sit and watch their wedding cake turn to dust. The rest of us must stand and realize this delusion as a paper veil, and reorganize this world to become heaven on earth, as we humans can build this, we are industrious, we are capable, we are creators, we have been given the gift of life, lets stand up and be and become what it is that we are.
Organize, join desteni, join and support the Equal Money System. Walk with us, realize that the solution is through simple practical common sense. The communicationssystems are here, the transport systems are here, the hands of men, many idol, are here, the soil is here, the water, the plants and the animals. It is like we have been given a super fantastic toy store to “play” with and we are allowing some spoiled bully stand there and tell us what to do, when we can communicate with one another and solve organizing this world to be at ease, to be healthy, to be alive and breathing and doing and interacting. Every inch of this earth. On one level, would not this be the greatest accomplishment of each of us as men to stand and do? What else is there?
If efforts were put into taking care of this earth instead of voicing a scam, perhaps this world would be heaven on earth.
Because this financial situation is a scam, because it is not what actually physically moves and creates as it is men that move and create here within this system, it should be obvious that everything that is happening with this supposed financial crisis is by design, it is a game being played in self interest without any regard for life what-so-ever.
How money is being used, and the illusion within how money is being used is criminal, as it is denying life on earth. The financial situation is simply how money is organized to move the capital of the earth used to support humans ( and should consider the life of plants and animals too) and this is just it, it is what organizes the resources of earth, it is not what actually moves the resources, it cannot. To think that a piece of paper has the physical capacity to move something is a sign of delusion. Money does not move anything, the directives of men move things.
How money is being used is creating situations of lack, in people, in soils, in the state of the animal kingdom. All of it is being directed by illusions that are in separation from common sense of what actually physically exists here. There is a huge disconnect from reality here on earth by the human.
I also read some interview with a supposed elite person. This persona actually believes that they are elite by some divine design. Incredible. Of course as this illusion stand they probably could come and have someone shoot me, but this will not change a thing, they will still be a human that dies and so will I. No difference. The only difference is a belief, and even beliefs do not actually physically move things around, it is a physical action that moves things around on this earth.
The financial crisis is a scam, it is what allows greed to exist. Acceptance of this system is unacceptable, it is an illusion. We are all being controlled by ideas and beliefs and opinions that are not looking at how this earth, this physical world moves and simply is.
It actually is not even worth it to react to any of the ranters going on and on about this financial crisis, it will do no good, as the humans in the roles talking about this, and the elites benefitting from this, really think that they know, and that they are divine and special, and all in the face of how this world works. They are delusional, they have lost all common sense.
Standing up within this delusion probably would not be all that hard once this is understood by a large enough group of people. The screaming, crying, ranting voice of delusion really has no strength because it babbles on with no awareness of the physical world and how the physical is what is real.
We need a new structure for the global system, and all it involves is common sense, the removal of a delusion that some life has greater value than other life. If you notice the two words are the same, as we are all the same in that we are life, and this is the value. How we are using money is casting a shadow on life in allowing some life to be more than other “life”. And this makes no sense, and obviously is that of a belief only, a thought - not something that is real, and this is the basis of this present system. The human, is simply delusional and thus not really alive, living, being what the human really is, which is life. Greed is a byproduct of an illusional belief, which means that greed can be removed from the behavior of the human, within removing a limited belief and realizing self as mind, as how the mind functions with the physical body, a body that holds beliefs as words, and within this to realize that the delusion spoken as words on earth as beliefs, have become the voice of the program of separation from life that is causing sufferingon earth, and thus an earth that is not moving as life, equal and one. Step beyond the veil of word play, realign yourself and stand to realign this world, into and as what is best for all absolutely, in totality, to bring heaven on earth, as it should be and was the gift given, for all as one as equal, here.

Day 313 Disgust Character Behavioral Dimension

I have this memory coming up again, where i am in high school in New York and int he apartment of a major game player within the fashion industry. He is holding out a bowl of coke to myself and a friend and a friend of my sister.
I am within a reaction of being very angry. I had to leave I was so angry. At the time all I wanted to do was take that bowl of white powdery coke and smash it on the table.
This was behavior as a reaction and not myself looking at and realizing how such an act came to exist within this world. I was limited and blamed a singular point within a whole chain of consequence of profit that created such a scenario, which was a human being believing they were more than another, which is what I was being within my own behavior, more judgement.
My anger and judgment towards this one person was not going to stop what created this abuse. What exists on earth that allows and creates a need to use drugs to entertain and escape was what needed to be realized. I had already learned that drugs were not worth it. They altered reality and this was not something that was real. At the time I was a teenager, one who was not interested in drugs, which is not to say I did not try them, they just did not seem what they were promised to be, so I never fell under their spell. Perhaps if my existence had been more difficult such exposure would have had a different outcome, as there were models who got caught up in the spell of drugs.
So my reactions of righteousness and disgust were not a movement of solution and/or prevention, they were reactions only, without stopping and asking why existence contained such limiting experiences. Such reactions are not being self responsible for and as life in consideration of all life, this which is the responsibility of each and everyone of us on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have followed this friend, who I had followed before and wound up in a similar situation, thus I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have used my common sense within and as realizing I should never have made this stop off en-route to another gathering as this girl was socially involved in the modeling world, whereas I was no longer involved yet had retained some “friends” from this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become an emotional reaction of disgust and anger to and towards one of the men offering the coke, not seeingrealizing and understanding that such a reaction was fear and self anger, and self disgust for not using my common sense, both within the immediate context and within taking the time to investigate how the present systems functions and why older men were trying to become sugar daddy’s to teenage girls and thus serving their own desires without any consideration for the life of that teenage girl who is in many ways still a child, which is to say that this is an act that does not consider life, and only considers a limited desire, as an act that does not respect life, is a limited act within a limited self awareness of life, which begs the question as to why such would exist.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of anger as at the time I was also intimidated by these men, and feared having to say no to them, eventhought this was the only choice, which was the choice taken, I was having to say no within a situation that had the potential to be threatening for which I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been frightened, and thus angry, not seeing realizing and understanding that I can let this emotion go, as this is in the past and not what is here, as myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been ashamed that I had allowed myself to walk into this situation having had a similar experience one other time with this same girl, were drugs were involved.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I was ashamed of myself for having gone with this girl because I rather go to an event with another than alone, and so, against my better judgement I joined up with this girl in fear of being alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to carry this shame with me, as me, in and as a memory, to not let this memory go, to see, realize and understand that this is not myself here,as this is from the past and does not define myself here, within this moment, within this breath, unless I accept and allow this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that this even at that time in that moment, I alone could not have changed the world, as the existence of drugs, as this takes an understanding of why such a thing exists within the whole, which requires an investigation into how the present system on earth exists, without denial in beliefs in and as invisible gods, or invisible hands, as what is physically on this earth is moved by the hands of men, and thus this system can be understood through simply looking at how this world works, and as such a change will require many standing together, as history tells us that many have attempted to stand and speak up, and many stand and speak at present, yet as a “lone ranger” which is an easy target, and just as the faceless that benefit as what is behind a corporation which means the few who live lives of comfort are a group convincing the rest of humanity via media and the happy drugs of products that promise a more than, that never deliver such a promise, which we all accept and allow unless we stop and breath and investigate and self realize in common sense that we are not really living, and that to change this system will require many to stand, realize that which accepted and allowed and created this present system are the same ones, as men, who must stand and change this system into what is best for all, which means standing and being self responsible for and as life, realizing life is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my anger is myself in disgust with myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain situations that lack common sense, within and as what is not best for myself, and thus, what is not best for all, as I seek a drug by a different name, which, as in this memory, was the entertainment of going to a party, where I let down my common sense and did not follow my batter judgment of not hooking up with this friend, but was lead by a desire for entertainment in the form of a party, thus I was qualifying one type of entertainment as more than, better than another.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that yesterday when I found myself becoming the emotion of anger, I had entered into a situation where those present showed no interest, and thus not pushed the issue, as the starting point would have required at least some amount of inquiry, of which there was none and as such what can only be done is a seed planted and let it go, as just as I was as an ignorant human, as a teenager who had not in fact investigated the present system in common sense, as had this been taught, then the earth would not be what it exists as within so much disrespect for life, in and as the amount of abuse that needs but little investigation to see, realize and understand that what man has accepted and allowed is unacceptable in all common sense, and a statement that the nature of man cannot change, is in and as it self unacceptable, because if I can realize that drugs are not myself really existing here, than so can others, as such awareness is capable of being what we are, and it is only emotions, as a collection of past events as beliefs that accumulate and limited the expression of men, and since this was built up within, it can be deconstructed, just as existent systems have been constructed, can they be deconstructed, thus, the excuse - which is all it is- that I cannot change, and/or men cannot change makes no sense, and is what would be taught in a world that does not teach common sense as common sense means looking at the consequences of men, and what has been built by the hands of men, where no god, and no invisible hand can be found, if one simply investigate the practical movement of this real physical existence.

I commit myself to remaining within and as breath, to see, realize and understand that the moment i become a reaction, I am in a rush to win and not here, equal and one to the steps necessary to see, realize and understand the very consequence built that must be unbuilt, which appears to move slowly, but is simply the tack of taking down a wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas that are the very substance of life, here that are not aligned within and as what is best for all, what considers all of existence, are limitations within being equal and one, to and as what is here as this physical world, and thus are simply a self imposed burden veiling this physical world that gives freely to support life.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realizing when and as I begin to have “bouts” of feeling tired, and yawning a lot, I must slow down and breath, and write out the events of the previous day, to see, what memories come up and the sequence of my own reactions, to see, realize and understand what I am showing myself to have accepted and allowed that is in separation from realizing what behavioral consequences I have allowed as what I accepted through the teachings of a society of inequality which I had not investigated for myself.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, realizing that all reactions, as emotions and feelings and thoughts, when having a quality of aggression, or anger, or desire for attention, are myself existing within limitation and thus not moving at ease within and as common sense of here, which is being myself as life, equal and one.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, and to breath, to realize the presence of energy as friction and conflict, and to stop and investigate without fear of judgement, as judgement is a polarity of want , need and desire in self interest in fear of loss, to then without reaction, in and as common sense within being equal and one to and as breath, within the principle of oneness and equality, to direct myself here.

Day 285 Fear of speaking The behavior of commercial speak

I am rushing and thus I am missing what is here, as this consumerist society advertises promise, the promise of more, the promise of being more should one have what is offered and then that promise , the thing gotten does not satisfy as it was not the thing itself that was bought in practical common sense of what is here, but was promised something more. It is really being addicted to the “mystery” of the promise offered, and the excitement of this promise is the drug, a total separation from being one and equal to here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate within the excitement of the “promise” of more, my words directed towards this promise unless I listen to what it is that I speak in absolute detail.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get caught up in the promise of “more,” to exist within the whine of wanting more as a behavior instead of remaining here in common sense.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the promise of more, is just this, the energetic high of being within a dream/promise of “more” which is a total separation from reality, from being practically physically here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare men to one another, not seeing realizing and understanding that meanwhile I am constantly told that all men are the same, yet when I date a man, there is all this criticism about the man I am dating, thus, the drive, as what I am told to do, is to find a man, and that all men are the same, and then the switch to the criticism of the man and what he lacks, when a man is “found” , so there is this switch from “ all men are the same” to criticism of the man then chosen, all a driving force of name calling within limitations moving through different dimensions of life, with out addressing the life itself in practical common sense of what is here, enjoying the very substance of life here, from the small to the large, and thus the limitations of what is accepted and allowed and the process of criticizing those limitations is really ourselves telling ourselves of the very limitations we accept and allow, as the limited ideologies we accept is what we have become, the voice of what we allow being thevoice of what we are, and thus become we, the human, a limitation, and thus a stagnation, a separation from life here, ignoring the detail of here, separating from the actual physical world as its parts and the whole, and thus missing the very substance of what is here, the gift of life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when ever I criticize I am not actually here unless I move any and all label directing, immediately into and as what is best for all, in common sense, the moment I call something a less than and expect this less than to suddenly magically become a supposed “more than” without consideration of what I exist as or this system exists as, I am existing as limited judgement and demand only without awareness or directive capacity, as what is here, accepted and allowed is not in fact supporting this world.
Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am not in fact here, realizing that everything that is here is myself, equal and one, on a planet, a physical world. where the development of what is here is known and yet not followed, as profit for the few, the few seeking a “more than” scenario, themselves absolutely in separation from life, chasing the promise of “more” are literally mentally deranged within and as the illusion of the “ promise of more” that supposed material possessions will bring, when the gift is this actual physical world, where the process of self development and nurturing care of life, as what is needed to nurture life, to allow life to thrive and be an expression of life, is known, and thus this “state of being” that is “promise” of more is an illusion and this illusion is being broadcast through the media diverting the life here into and as the same distortion existent as those who have the control of what is presented by the media, as this system of money is a system of inequality and thus separation from here, economic inequality is a crime against life and a separation from the known needs that allow development of the human child, born without religion, without language, where the language taught as the various cultures of selected limited values, where the values are not good or bad, they are simply limited and warped into justifications of the limitations being a more than, when no culture on this planet has created a world that is best for all, thus the parts to build a world of heaven are here, yet the existent cultures are too busy ignoring what develops absolutely in favor of creating limited role play to allow parts of this world to have a more than, not seeing realizing and understanding that all life must develop and be a total expression of itself absolutely, as what is best for self is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this charade of “more-than-promise”, was created by each and every human, as anacceptance and allowance is what is used in each of us as a creation, and this, allowing a system of limited values that embed within as images and made huge as mind, isabusing the total capacity of the physical common sense of what is here, this seen in children at a young age when they rapidly learn, which is then shut down as the resonanceof limited ideas, beliefs and opinions of a promise of “more than”, this which is not aligned within the principle of what is best for all, of forgiving of self as life in expression as life, this resonance is the human physical body littered, polluted with the same limited ideas as images plastered all over this planet, and the existences of those that are living where resources are taken from the earth, places where the currency is systemically devalued to allow the profit monetarily to be transferred off shore, where some then present an idea of philanthropy on top of this, hiding this “first action/step” within then presenting philanthropy as “help” AFTER taking, and even here aligning the tiny amount given after taking within what will bring a profit, and thus are the lives existent on the earth not considered and only given a “commercial” voice as a story of doing supposed “good” to create a picture ONLY of a “more than” for the takers, a perpetual state of the promise of “more” for the few, a state of distortion and abuse of what is real, this actual physical world, which must stop, as this is a state of disease and it is causing disease on the ground to plant, animal and human, a crime against life, and yet, when each and every one of us chase an idea of a “more than promise” we are one and the same as this abuse, thus it is the responsibility of each and every one of us to stand and to realize the only choice is to create a system of equality, where all life is considered within and as the common sense of what is best for all, until what exists on this earth is a state of ease, equal in everysingle thing that is on the face of this earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be and become the role play dictated by a consumerist profit driven society of promise, or a heavily religious society of promise should I only follow, and then will my rewards be “great” which is another illusive “promise: causing waiting and hoping and charity in the face of being self interested in gain for the “promise” and the development of the actual physical existence here, is ignored, which is so delusional, so abusive, so ignorant, and so unacceptable, as the value is life, and it is to realize within this that there is no other choice, there is not excuse, no reasoning that can deny that the value is life, that to deny life support is to deny life, and thus is a crime against life, especially when that denial is based on some idea in and as the mind, as belief, and opinion based on some illusion that no one has ever seen.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within this consumerist society, the promise of an object elevating a human is a separation because it is being human as being physically here that is the gift, and yet a picture of the human as this or that, has been taught as being more than, instead of the fact that it is being here physically that is the value, and yet the imagery of the human all dressed up and/or sitting next to some elevated person as an image “promising more” in some supposed after life” is what is taught, so busy is the human with this ideology, a supposed charitable giving, as the advertising all over this world is “free” in that one can walk down the street and see this, thus the dictates are all over the place seemingly “free” when in fact they are not because one cannot live without money, and how we are allowing money to “flow” is allowing all this - ( I was in a communist country when I was 10 or 11, and it was very quiet, no pictures all over the place, thus it was peaceful. It took a while to realize the difference) we the human have allowed the shit that is plastered all over this planet, we have allowed the limitations that are sent across the screens of the technology and the screens of the mind, and thus we are the cause of a separation from life, here this actual physical world, that is what is real that is what supports us, we have programmed ourselves and are programming our children with a limited program that is in separation from common sense of the actual physical world, which is a crime against life, and it is becoming obvious that nature is no longer going to put up with the human, as the human has not proved themselves worthy of life, just go and research the viruses beginning to develop.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand where and how I started to separate from myself into and as a promise of a more than, instead of enjoying the actual physical world in common sense, which means being one and equal to and as this actual physical world, respecting all of this world, as this physical world is life, and thus what is real and the very gift of life.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that any and all speaking and giving of words that are misleading the human away from common sense of this actual physical world are a crime against life.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that speaking up about how words used are misleading, will cause massive reactions within and as people around me, and yet there is no choice, as the chasing of the promise must stop, must be brought back to common sense of this actual physical world, as this is standing up for and as life here.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding, that there is running but there is no hiding, so forget about this, and forgive yourself to what is best for all, equal and one, as the value being life here, and thus all life here, as earth must be cared for as this is the way to life, in all common sense.
I commit myself to, instead of making decision for another, to stop and to breath, and to direct in such a way that common sense of here is what is used, to the best of my ability, as i have been taught to chase after the “promise” of more, and keep this in secret, not for the hope of it, but because I know, and we all know, that what we are doing is a crime against life, thus present silence is really shame for accepting and allowing an addiction to a promise of more, instead of being here, equal and one to and as life, thus reactive behaviors are really the exposure of the running to a promise of supposed “more”, and our silence is laden with shame, instead of a silence of peace, as ease, as being present equal and one, to and as life, in equality and oneness, here.

Day 184 Service 'to" as protection/defense

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must ensure the peace is kept around a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that “peace” is what will manifest if I keep myself aware of what the man is feeling within my existence.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear what the man will react as if a “peace” is not maintained within my immediate existence, not seeing realizing and understanding that this peace is not peace, and only serves the ideas of peace for the man, as in the not looking at what is actually physically real here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to learn how i should behave in order to ensure that peace is maintained in relation to the man/male within my immediate environment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the events that created the construct of support for the man/male, society and class that I focus on in order to keep the peace within my immediate world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become anxious and fear a loss of support for myself should I not uphold the present structure of what I have been taught to present myself as to allow myself to survive within a system of inequality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in actually supporting an idea of peace, using projections/stances of myself in relation to what I sense a man is feeling can never create a state of actual physical “peace” as it is in service to the emotions and feelings of the man, and not the man being self directed within and as himself in common sense of what is real.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being emotionally attacked by a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I end up overwhelming myself and becoming uncertainty as I am allowing myself to follow that very personification that is a separation from what is actually physically here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I cannot direct anyone but myself as life here, and that when I want to keep the peace, I will not be able to do so, as I cannot do this for another, I can suggest to focus on what is actually here in common sense, even within understanding how the present systems functions, but I cannot ultimately be the focus for another, as the “other” must realize focusing on what is here as themselves.

Within this, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I cannot make another “un-anxious” as this must be done by self, where anything that simply placates a state of anxiousness is not actually confronting a state of anxiousness and looking at what it is in fact, as it is fear within a system of inequality, as fear of survival filled with ideas as to what will enable survival within this touted collective personification - accepted and allowed of inequality- and this on an earth that gives freely without any signature of ownership
When and as I see myself “bracing myself inwardly” in fear of upsetting a man, I see realize and understand that I cannot ‘upset” a man, and this action is really a protection defense learned in childhood against the behaviors of my father, himself possessed by a fear of loss.
I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to fear the wrath of a male becoming upset within himself and within this believing I must take care of my behavior in order to avoid this, as this has nothing to do with myself, and if anything, my reaction of self blame in relation to this, as what I am doing is trying to avoid the negative emotion.
When and as I see myself becoming a character of caution in relation to men, I stop and I breath, and I realize I am going into a character/energetic possession of wanting to placate and “save” where I see, realize and understand that this wanting to save is myself wanting to stop the emotion of the male in protection and defense as I believe and/or was not taught that I cannot stand up, one and equal to the emotion and clarify what exists here within self honesty, self direction and self trust, within a principle of oneness and quality as common sense of this physical world, where the only solution is to actually be physically present here.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that the polarities as emotions , thoughts and feelings are myself in fear, protection, defense of what is actually physically here in common sense one and equal to and as what is this physical world.

Day 104 The character of unemployed

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that leaving my home will lead to not having a home.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that changing is impossible.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need another person to help me leave my home, as leaving my home all by myself is opening myself up to vulnerable situations where I will be taken advantage of.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in common sense I am life, as thus I am able to face what is here, all by myself, and to within this use myself as life to direct myself as life, where I have been in many different schools where i live and noticed a pattern with the children, where the schools believed they were different, yet they were not, they varied by degree, yet the elements remained the same.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that the differences are illusive seeming and not what is real, as what is real, is life here within a form to express life, where the program of suppression is a pattern and limited by design, where the whole is not conveyed, thus within education for many there is not interest as the story makes no sense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing change, to believe that another place is any different from what is here, where there are people being denied what is necessary to become a self perfected being, the capacity of which exists within each and every one of us.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear, to have an idea that facing limited perceptions is daunting, when a limited perception is just this, the missed understanding of the whole story.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the cyclops eye of self interest, greed, the voice of the media and the corporations as a collective supporting inequality is a desire for more than as illusion, as mind pictures, to fulfill a imaginary dream, an impossible dream, and thus a passable dream, as a dream is not what is real, a dream can only be of the past, and not what is here, where within this system, in order for there to exist more than and less than, a dream must be made big to blind into submission the many to feed the dreams of a few, as the dream consumes resource instead of walking one and equal to what is real, this physical world, as standing up as self and realizing that this physical world is what is real, as it is the substance of life, where all senses as the physical are employed and not just the image creator as mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that anything that is of the mind that is of fantasy is not what is actually physically here, though the lights and images of the mind have become so bright they appear real, and that what has been taught is to make this imagination be what is real, when what is real is this physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the common sense of this, that any desire is myself in separation, as I am here as life, able to direct myself in self honesty as I am hONEstly life, physically here, thus a dream of the mind is not the full employment of myself as my physical self as life, where it is interesting that the outer reflects the inner, as this world, as this physical world is not in full employment, so evident with the increasing number of Americans losing their homes where there are more empty homes than there are homeless, thus this physical world is not in full employment and there is not excuse for this, which can only mean that the present system has not considered all that is here in equal measure ensuring all considerations when organizing and thus this present system is not working and must change to a system that employs all life, to consider all forms of life, as one and equal to, to get this organism of earth working in full employment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear becoming fully employed myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be the illusion and idea of what full employment means, to in and as my mind, set conditions on my own earth employment.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that if I rely on the ideas and opinions and beliefs about how to communicate, as how I am supposed to interact and have expectations of what an interaction should be the image and likeness of, I will not be here employing my self fully and thus will not create and manifest the full employment of myself here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in common sense, if I am not in full employment, I will not have a satisfying existence, nor will I be able to expand in my awareness of this world, nor will I have effective communication with this world, thus it starts with self, fully employing self here in oneness and equality with what is here as my physical self here, able to use what is the gift as self as life in common sense, employing common sense within every breath, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear changing as I fear losing the limited employment that I exist as, believing that I should be happy for what employment i have, instead of standing and realizing that there is no other state of existence than that of full employment of life here, thus this fear of loss of my partial employment is an illusion and not what is real, as life cannot exist, as heaven on earth until full employment is what exists on this earth, thus just as this system is not creating full employment and must change, so must I change, as this system is made of of people accepting less than full employment and this is unacceptable and thus changing what exists as a system that creates only partial employment must walk a process of change to get to a point of full employment on this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that war, as conflict as friction is the past and the future, acts of existing in and as the mind, as the mind is an imagination built to support the suppression of awareness of what is real to allow a fear a bigger dreaming capacity while the physical world is used as resource for this, and thus the physical world is not included in the employment of the expression of life, thus life is not what exists on this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the characters I exist as support an accepted existence in and as a belief that unemployment is existential, when in common sense it is not, it is only an indication that life is not understood, and that a system change within and without must realign its very organization until  all that is here as this physical world is employed. Period.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the existence of unemployment has been created by a STAG nation, a nation of men employing only themselves and not employing all that is physically here as what is real as what supports as what is not more than or less than but is a nation of life, and this life within this present system is not being considered in such a way that all of this physical world is employed as itself as life.

I commit myself to realizing that this begins with self, where I am able to stand in full employment in and as myself as life in common sense, where  this physical world is what is real and the fear of losing the partial employment of myself is  a fear of change and loss, where myself as life is already being lost as it is not fully employed and thus the only choice is to change and walk until I am fully employed as life here, as within so without, as above so below.

I commit myself to be the desire to be fully employed  and not only as a dream in and as my mind, instead of walking and changing what I have accepted and allowed as it has not created the full employment of myself here, where this is not a failure, as this is just simply myself not being fully employed.

I commit myself to realizing that the only failure that exists if not standing up and becoming fully employed as self as life here.

I commit myself to no longer allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am supposed to be satisfied with partial employment.

I commit myself to becoming fully employed as life here, one and equal to what in common sense is a system that fully employs all that is physically here as this physical world, where self diminishment does not exist, where the dream of something better being down the road does not exist, where heaven and earth are fully employed here, in this moment, in total health,  as this is life. 

I commit myself to creating a world where all hearts beat in sinc with life, as earth is one and the same with heart, just take to h and the e and realign them to create earth, it is as simple as that, thus what is stopping the full employment of the expression on earth is a mind illusion fear moving and realigning what is here as a “stag-nation” into a nation of life.

What is the substance that creates the picture? Are you fully employed as self as this? Or is someone else, in self abdication your employer?

desteni

Equal Money

Day 37 Age of innocence?

Day 37 Age of Innocence

I have had an image in my head lately of my self as a child wrapping my arms around my father’s neck. A behavior I enjoy with men, I have always likes the neck. Seems this is still with me, a place of comfort. A place to hide? As this is what is here as a memory as a picture, in my conscious mind.

I look to this memory, I bring this here. THere it was , it was like I was pretending something - and while reading another process blog this word pretend jumped out at me, I had a pain jump up in my chest and I re-read the sentence I had just read, and “pretend” jumped out. Then came the image “of the day” - so to speak.

When in fear, when the being of my self as “not looking” or seeing my self not being in common sense, as knowing I am not looking or pretending, tending to something other than actually looking at what is here, this act from childhood remains, even though I have no idea what specifically lead me to seek this comfort, this act of seeking comfort remains. Was I just wanting the energetic high of comfort/attention/drama?

Meanwhile the underlying fear here with my self has been about money. When I face tuition payments and changes financially I tend to stall making decisions, like I want to escape to the bitter end and then organize. I measure how much time I have and then make the decision, a careful procrastination. And then I want something to hide in, to avoid making a decision. The caution is not so much the problem, things must be looked at, it is the worry and the escape added onto this that is unnecessary and it only drags me down when this time could be used within clarity instead of a hazy anxiety where I imagine worse case scenarios. I have done this so many times, like clockwork, which is what the mind does, it works like a clock, ticking away as anxiety if I accept and allow it. I can’t make decisions within this state and thus it is no wonder I want to hide. One behavior precipitates the other, and both are clutter. Stop.

Some of the financial decisions I have to make cannot be made in this moment as I do not have all the answers, so I have to let it go and look at what i can do here in this moment. The answers will come and be seen more clearly if I am not lost in worry and I will accomplish a lot more. Plus, I won’t need to hide in a damsel in distress drama as I am not inferior seeking a superior as an idea based on a story line, instead I use the physical world in practical common sense. 

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that when I am anxious and fearful I relive actions I learned as a child, to seek comfort from a man, as my mother was not especially fond of taking care of babies, which she has stated many times, and it was my father that was there when I was really young.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize this image in and as my mind was what came up after months of self forgiveness, where I, as this memory, am aware of my self being comforted by my father and also aware of my self doing this as some kind of drama, yet this action as hiding from a fear remains, and so when I am here as an adult I tend to continue to do this, to want to run and hide in the comfort of a man when I am anxious and worried.

I forgive my self for not realizing that this is a burden for the man and for my self as is not a solution to fear and anxiety.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect this comfort from fear to intimacy with men.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have created a habit of seeking attention from men when I feel anxious, even though I am aware that I do this, and at times I have stopped my self as it does not solve any problems and many times men simply do not have the answers, or the support seems unnecessary, I continue to have this come up in instances of anxiety, where the present system on this earth is of the need for money to sustain oneself on an earth that gives unconditionally where men have signed  ownership to the resources of this earth, imposing a system of conditioned support within a false creation/belief of lack.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to relate my fears to the role of my self as a woman where I believe I am dependent on men and must seek council and comfort from men instead of using common sense and directing my self to look and realize what is practical here, and within this utilize the principle of what is best for all and the application of breath, to keep my self here and out of the mind, as becoming separate from what is physically here.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to give up my past and place my self here in common sense, without fear of loss, as there is nothing to lose being here, yet, as I have experienced, there is something to lose if I allow my self to become anxious and seek comfort as a habit, within the arms of a man

I commit my self to stopping my self from going into anxiety and fear about money and to breath, to realize that at the moment i cannot make decisions as the tuition bills for my sons have not yet arrived so all I have is to be cautions and practical with finances.

I commit my self to stopping my self from wondering off into anxiety and fear and to in common sense look at what is here this month and that next month I will have a better idea of where I stand in terms of finances.

I commit my self to following  what I have outlined to complete on my home and to spend time everyday within the desteni process as this is what I am able to walk in the moment.

I commit my self to focusing on what is here, and to not wonder off in my mind , as my mind is built of the past and based on judgements within a hierarchy of stagnant labels and limited insight, an accepted separation of being here, where, as in my memory as a child, there is no answer to being here in common sense of what is here, where what is here is life, and as life, everything that is here is equal and one, and all the actions around me are me as it is the actions and the movements that are the being of life, where action becomes of absolute purpose when the principle of what is best for all is applied and thus here is the direction as what is best for all is best for self.

Day 35 Screwing young girls is screwing self as life.

Day 35 

I read an article today about Middle Eastern men in small shops in Britain seeking out vulnerable girls younger than 16 and enticing them in their new found independence with alcohol and attention and then turning them into “dick holes” for all their friends where they take them around town and allow up to 20 men to fuck these young girls, these children.

My husband was in the Swiss army, in the army was a baker who had been a policeman. This police man told a story about Yugoslavian men in Switzerland who would find young insecure vulnerable girls, marry them and then lock them into a room where all their friends would come and fuck them.  Evidently, the Swiss had a hard time finding these girls.These girls were not Muslim and therefor of no significance. This is what religion does, plasters labels on this physical world and decides what is life and what is not. If your religion were so strong and it is believed that if you are not of the faith of Mohammed you are “unholy”, then why would you dirty your dick with something that is not of your so strongly held faith? Is this not becoming that same dirt you label a human female physical body as that lacks this faith?

 It really is just a justification to fuck and nothing else, it has nothing to do with your religion. It is indicative of allowing self to become what brings in money and profit, and hiding self in the act of sex, not wanting to face self, not looking at this system and how it operates. It is a brutal act that cares nothing for the life of the young girl or the life of the man as himself.

Both man and woman in this situation has allowed themselves to become puppets of the strings of the ads plastered all over this earth, that are of semi naked prepubescent girls wearing underwear posing in evocative stances suggesting that quick fix of energy release as orgasm. A self interested act that does not consider life without or within. The men participating in this are no different than the girl being abused. It is like action. All it does is destroy both the male and the female. nothing is conquered, nothing is gained. The essence of self as life is dissipated into an energetic rush, where nothing of significance of self development is gained for both the girl and the male.

This is taking beauty and smearing it with shit, and the shit gets on the female and the male, this “shit” if the addiction to sexual energy, and is not life, is not the essence of self in expression one and equal to life, one and equal to this physical world that is life, that supports self here as an expression of life, sensing all that is this physical world. This is being a drug induced zombie, feeding a system of money as profit. 

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that sticking my dick into a young girl has meaning.

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing my self to believe that a young girl of different religion than my own is no longer a young girl.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that a young girl is a young girl and no religion as a belief changes this fact.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to look at young girls and to see, realize and understand that it is only an idea in and as my mind that renders one young girl different from another.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see and realize that every young girl is unique and to not be able to see this means that there is something lacking in my ability to see life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see and realize and understand that I am abusing life when I project a belief onto young girls and thus do not allow my self to expand through seeing the uniqueness in each and every young girl on this earth, no matter what their faith, and then, within this, to question why we have a system that does not bring this uniqueness forth and instead turns all women into an object of sex, where the woman/girl is not even seen for the value as life that they are.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that just as the men I know within my circle of men, where I see that each of them has something unique about them, so to  are all women just as unique within themselves, yet I am addicted to sexual desire, where I lose my ability to see what is unique in all life, and thus that there is something lacking in this desire that consumes my human physical body, as it renders me into a singular desire where I no longer am able to see the value of life, the uniqueness in every single thing in this world, thus, perhaps it is my self that has become limited, and yet this is the norm taught, and I have never stopped and questioned this, and only gone along with all the others who are not questioning this because I fear losing my friends, when, how can someone really be a supportive “friend” if the acts I participate in are acts that diminish my ability to see the uniqueness that is life around me.

Within this, I forgive my self for not allowing my self to realize that I have in fact become a sheep, unable to direct my self and have abdicated my self honesty to life, my self responsibility as life into a singular self interested movement as being sexual energy, a singular state of mind that obviously cannot sense the totality of life, and the religion in which I grew up has not developed this ability within my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not question why I am in a situation where I need to line up to have sex with a young girl and to not question the abuse to life that this act is in fact.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not place my self in the shoes of this girl and to realize that she is the same as me, and that I would not want this to happen to me, and thus I am not living the words of Christ, to not do unto others what I would not want done unto my self.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that when I abuse life, I abuse my self as I am life one and equal to all life on this planet, as what is here is life in and as this physical world and it is only ideas in and as my mind that create separation, which I accept and allow if I stand as a singular idea and not as my self as life, one and equal as life to all that is of this earth.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that in abusing life I am spiting my self as life.

I forgive my self for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the only way I will be able to see beyond the singular relationships of the mind is to walk the process of stopping the mind.

I commit my self to stopping the beliefs in and as my mind, as what I was taught through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to bring my self back to my self as life, where I can stand one and equal to all that is here as this physical world that is life.

I commit my self to realizing that I am one and equal to all that is here on this earth, where I then stand and support a system of equality as equal money to clean up the ideas taught that separate my self as life, ideas that disallow my self to treat this physical world, as my self, as how I would like to be treated no matter what gender or form I happen to be in manifestation on this unconditionally giving physical world as earth.

I commit my self to no longer seeing my self as separate from a young girl.

I commit my self to stopping the abuse of the mind as singular desires unaware of the uniqueness of life as this physical world and to bring my self back one and equal to this physical human body where I am able to sense with the totality of my human physical body the multi dimension of life on this earth.

I commit myself to realizing that lack of respect for this world is lack of respect for my self.

I commit my self to realizing that my religion has not taught me to respect and become aware of this physical world.

Life Review - Ego and Sex = Catastrophe 

Day 21 My Story as a Widow

My Story as a Widow.

What happens when a great shock comes into one’s life? Where everything one has is lost, all the relationships are lost; friends, country, lifestyle, situation? By relationships I mean, the very people in your world, the binds what I had, all lost in one moment, no more apartment, no more husband, no more friends with whom I had spent years with with my small children, no more language, no more nothing. I was numb, I was in shock, as what numbness would be. Go and read about trauma and you will find that a person will chemically go into what is called shock, but what this  really is is that all relationships one has existed as are gone in one moment. They are simply no longer there.

It was like there was nothing to feel anymore. And I would talk to the people around me and say to them that I felt only indifference, that I was not feeling anything and that was not this curious, was there something wrong with me? But i did not really have this “feeling” that there was something wrong with me, I tried to find something to “feel” even drinking down a six pack of beer just to escape non-feeling. And the whole time I was watching my self. And it was as though the people I talked to who I said I was this thing of indifference never had a response, it was as though this statement of mine was not heard, I wondered why no one was hearing this. Can you imagine me saying, I am indifferent to everything, what is this?  Nothing, no response.

Mostly what I got was being told I needed a man, that this would settle everything, that in having a man, I would see what a “real” man would be, as my husband had not been a “real” man because he had hung himself from the rafters.

This made no sense to me. My marriage had been normal. My husband and I had been very comfortable sexually, my ten years of marriage in this area was enjoyable and comfortable and regular. Even after the children were born, we chose to be together, to sleep next to one another. Always. We even held hands, it was “natural” between “ us, we just gravitated to this. Even on the day he died we had done this. Though, even on this last day, I knew something was “wrong,” i had told him to be himself. I didn’t understand how the world worked, I had to lose everything to learn how this world worked. And this is the fate of all of us unless we stop and look, research and answer those questions that come up that ask why things are the way they are. There is no choice this has to be done. Each of us has the responsibility to research and understand this world, it is the ONLY way to ensure that what we have created never happens again. We have to look at those videos of abuse to animals, we have to look into the murder and rape and functioning of this money system, we have to let go of all ideas we have about this system, all righteous rants, as these righteous rants are e (ergy) roars/errors of our limited insight as to how and what and why what exists on this earth exists. Our roar, our words, our stances, what we are is the very thing causing the abuse of this world. Thus do we tell ourselves, as what we are, our actions that are the being of ourselves that is the creation of this world. We are all responsible. Our emotions and feelings are our separation from our responsibility as life, they are us not being life.

So, here I am. numb, feeling nothing, having lost my world in one moment. I am in another place, I am numb. My sister drags me out to socialize. This was within two months of my husbands death. I go.

I am sitting there at this table at a restaurant, a large table with many people around it. It is summer, big trees shade the table, there is a breeze. Normal life there. The premise is that Rebecca needs to socialize and find a man.

Meanwhile I was so numb it was all I could to to keep my self upright in my chair.

What happens next. Now remember I have lost everything, all emotional ties, all relationships, everything. So I am asa a nothing, no emotion, no feeling, no thought, just numb. Yet I am physically here at this table, aware that I am in shock and numb, of being like nothing.

This is when I noticed something so far fetched I kept this to my self, I mean who the fuck was I supposed to say something to? The shrinks just offered sympathy, and somehow this was not a solution.

Suddenly, it was like the space of everything in front of me switched, the very fabric of everything slowed down or “warped” or lost a shine or sheen, the light alters in some way. It seems really subtle but it is reality altering the space of here. Within this I am still sitting at this table and this is steady, I do not even have a thought of losing this. I am numbness, there are no associations here for me, I have lost them all.

I think it was the sound of the people speaking that I picked up first and then instantly all else followed. All those people around that table were not here, they were like looking at something, the very focus of their eyes was on something that was not here, and the words they spoke were engineered to draw attention to themselves, to become the subject of themselves to feed them as what they were seeing that was not them seeing here. And then there was this screen like thing in front of them, a bluish lighted thing. That was reality.

I quess I had lost mine. I was so numb, mine no longer existed for the moment, mine was no longer real, to I was numb. Within this I had no where to look, I had no emotions and feelings that I was bound to, and so, for a moment I was actually here, seeing what was here, I was no longer looking at my screen as it was gone, deconstructed through trauma. What I thought was that I was going crazy, what I said to my self was, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????” and “ Oh my fucking god, no one is here, everyone is following some fucked up “thing” and existing in some kind of vortex, where they want everyone to take on their subjects for them,” so to speak as the best way I know how to describe this.

I must be losing it, I must be really crazy. But in some way this makes so much sense, It fits with so much of how people are and what they do, and how they misunderstand one another, and how there is so much lack of communication, and how there is so much anger and and and and.

I kept this to my self, because I was afraid, I mean who was there to talk to, as I said before?

Just asking about my own indifference was ignored. But this would have been ignored if everyone  was reading their screens, my words would not have served the interests of subject orientation that is what people have become as reflections of their separation from here as they hid from their unresolved fears/separations from actually being here, this would be the very construct that desteni is talking about, they describe what this is in detail, and it makes so much sense!

There is nothing extra-ordinary in what happened to me, it is nothing special, it is the outcome of having lost everything, no longer having a place in a web of relationships and having to rebuild my life to fit into another scenario. In this space of numbness as no past and having to rebuild I stopped. I was looking outward to rebuild and here I had a moment where I could see what was happening in this world. If I was numb, the very chemistry of my human physical body in “numbness” meaning I had no emotion or feeling to exist as, I would see outside of emotion and feeling, and thus see the storm of emotion and feeling in others and the construction of this around others. To label this as crazy makes no sense, as it is simply what it is as what this world is. Perhaps, all the music I had played was the development of my self to sense a more subtle world, and this is why also in this moment this happened. Which means that this ability is developmental, that we are like a construct as this human physical body that is capable of being trained to be here, and we are also able to be programmed, to build a shield of “lights” we read that separate us from being here, actually realizing this physical world, this that we are that is the substance of life, that has been constructed into a bubble of believed support that is really just a separation from substance as life.

There is so much to clean up, and it must start with ourselves. What happened to me was not “special” was not a mirage, it was what would happen to the loss of everything one had believed to be what should be built to exist in this world, and the developmental capacity of the human being. RIght here in front of us. We have separated ourselves from the substance of life. And this is reality that we have created.  We have become e(nergy)go robots and we cannot see it.

Will it take us losing everything to see this?

This is what is going to happen. Either this or we clean this up through forgiving this bubble that is broadcasts of mind, unresolved un accepted awareness of life.. It is like we deny what is so forgiving as life, we deny the substance of ourselves that is supportive.

Before this, when I knew something was wrong with my husband, I kept saying to him that all he had to do is be himself, that what he believed he had to be was not going to help him. When he died, a while afterwards I stopped one day and said, fuck, I am going to have to be and become what i was telling him to be and become. And I realized I had no idea how to do this. but I knew the answer had to be here, right in front of me. So I kept looking and looking, and getting caught up in things and then walking away, and then looking some more. And then I found desteni, and the process of self forgiveness.

I still do not have a “man, “ I can’t do it. I cannot and will not support an ego, it is like supporting death, it is too unbearable. It is like watching someone die. And when I point this out, the men run away, or pretend to acquiesce because they don’t want to lose the sex. And ironically, the men my age begin to lose their ability to have erections ( now you understand the story of Mrs. Robinson)

and run away in fear. 

I have had carpenters come to my house, and immediately the whole unspoken sex thing comes up, only to end in irritation voiced by the male. I am not complying to the structure of what they want, a structure that maintains the un-faced fear as the subject that consumes to the point where the penis has no more energy to be what a penis is. And it is done to self. Ego is self destruction and cannot be supported, can only be used to realize what it is that is limiting self and the blueprint for the application of self forgiveness, to sound the words to remove the screen that is self separating self from life.

Clean up yourself as what has been accepted and allowed so that ending up with losing everything is not how this is realized as what has been accepted and allowed. There is no reason for the existence of suicide, and if you have any “feelings and emotions” about this forgive them, sympathy is useless, it is only the pathology  of an addiction and justification for emotions and feelings that are the indicators of separation from life, a life lived in the subject of not accepting life as all as one as equal. Discover life, forgive yourself and face the illusion of your fears manifest as your ego. There is no other choice.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that what I believe as mind is real.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear and to believe that this fear is real, to run from a sensation of shaking within my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that anxiety within my self is my fear, and that this anxiety can be walked through and realized for what it is, a fear of unworthiness  and that something will be lost, when all that will be lost is an emotion looked at and recognized for what it is, a separation from equality, the realization that what I believe is supportive is just a personality fearful of survival in a system accepted and allowed that demands survival as the use of money to support desires of more than and less than, the very reflection of what i am as ego in fear of becoming one and equal to all life, as I judge this world within a context of more than and less than as the very lessons of division learned as a child from parents stuck in the same state of separation from life, where I was taught to be a persona to fit into this world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe I must be punished for what i have accepted and allowed, not realizing that such an act is the perpetuation of the separation from my self as equal and one to life as this is what I am because I am here, thus I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I had to create a persona, to hide my fears, to hide what I have not faced, to become a fixed expression in and as a singular emotion and feeling  to connect with this world, where in fact all I am doing is hiding my self from my self and depressing the very life of my self manifest in  becoming bored with this world, as I have limited the very expression of my self and created and supported a world that limits the means of self expression as i have existed in singular relationships separate from an awareness of the whole of existence and thus separated my self from what is best for all, and that this is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the very malfunctioning of my human physical body is a replication of my separation from myself as life, where I have constricted the very flow of life in and through my human physical body, creating knots of compounded “un-flow” of life, where slowly but surly the lack of flow interrupts the functioning of my human physical body where I believe that drugs will alleviate this knot when In fact no drug can alter this as I must self realize what I have accepted and allowed in fear, as judging my world within a context of more than and less than, and thus limited perception of the very fabric of existence as the substance of life that is what all is one and equal to me as life, as I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that facing this is too much, when there is no other choice and this must be done, and that considering how long I have lived seven years is nothing in comparison.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not want to see the screen to fear the very idea that there is a screen in front of my eyes and that I have spent my self as life building this screen and that because all I see is this screen I can’t even fathom that it exists, and unless I face this, it will be faced in the loss of everything I have believed my self to be, and the shock of this could be so great that I may dispearse my self to such an extent I will only make this process, that must be cleaned up, even greater than need be, as I an here, and I have the opportunity to discover my self as life and become that which I am one and equal to life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be so overwhelmed with thinking about money and survival that to turn my self from this and create an objective view seems impossible yet, this must be done, as this is, in common sense the only way to get a handle on the situation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am too old and that there is too much compounded with and as me, not realizing that perhaps this is an illusion of the mind, to fuck with me, another excuse, another justification.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to immediately go into breath the moment I feel any physical constriction and to see how I am constricting within and as my self as this constriction is the stuff to forgive, to see and realize and forgive, and at first the resistance will be great, where resistance is an indication of transcending this act within my self of self denial as life, where I actually exist as self dishonesty and lose self trust and the capacity to direct my self as I allow my self to be directed by energy, by emotion and feeling, the separation into and as fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  wallow in compassion for others, and not to breath and walk through this, to stop this as all that I am, as ONLY what i am, and not to look at the self as life and see solution, and realize that it will take research and time to see and realize solution, yet there is life, that is equality, that is the principle of all as one as equal, the principle of giving as one would like to receive, thus the tools are here, thus there is nothing to fear, as the equalizing of life and the stopping of separation has the principle of equality and oneness.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am the habit, the addiction to righteous justification of my persona, which in reality is my self living in a dream of my past as support of my self where I have created an entity of relationships that are singular and separate from, and thus a form of separation, the being of my self as oneness in equality that which I search for, yet is right here in front of myself, yet I have woven an illusion as image as the means to an end, not realizing that this idea as image is the constriction of my self away from my self as life, as being and living the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that what I seek in others is what I have separated my self from as my self, believing I am not this, when - as I am life one and equal to all life, in fact this, yet the persona of what I believe my self to be is limiting my self from allowing my self from being as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that when I judge it is my self fearing losing something, that which I support my self as, and ironically nothing will be lost, and what will be gained is a capacity to transform within and as life, in my own expression in and as life, as what I do is not what i am, it is how i am within what I do that is me being the principle of oneness in equality without resistance to my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not see the moment I become spite, I am blaming an object and trying to ignore and destroy this object as this represents what I have separated within my self from, to not face what I fear I cannot be, or what i fear will destroy my persona and thus myself, when this persona is the destruction of my self, and that this is the mind, that I have allowed to become me, and imbed within me, where i am literally “in bed” with my own accepted and allowed and constructed persona as belief opinion and idea of my self that is a limitation and separation of my self from life, in essence i have created a bed of separation, and the state of my human physical body reflect this.

I commit my self to using the tools of self forgiveness, writing and self corrective application, within and as the principle of oneness in equality the principle of loving my neighbor as my self to bring my self back to life, to forgive the self created persona of my self and to while within this process not to take anything personally, as I am a construction in this physical as life,and all that need be done is to align my self with life, as being self pity, blame, justification is all only more of the same thing that created this mess in the first place, where had I accepted my self as life in the first place non of this would have happened, and that If I choose to not do this I am spiting life, and thus only creating more of the same, thus this is not a solution no matter how hard I fight this, it is not a solution.

I commit my self to breath, to breathing as this is the only thing that is real, as this is the physical here, and all the storms of the mind cannot touch me unless I accept and allow this, and yes, these storms must be faced and cleaned up, one by one by one, as this was not constructed in a day, and will take time to deconstruct, yet while I deconstruct i will see what I have accepted and allowed and thus be able to direct others to do this for themselves.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to  fear acknowledgment of what I have accepted and allowed within and as my self.

I commit my self to facing what i have accepted and allowed as the separation of my self from my self as life, to in this moment realizing the judgements and desires I have accepted and allowed that are causing my legs to have pain and sensations of  pins and needles  as the breath of life has been denied through my own acceptances and allowances, and as I clean this up the breath of life will slowly return as it has done within my back as my back feel lighter and more flexible, where i had to really face the constriction I had accepted and allowed and accept my self as life, to stop a belief that I was unworthy and then to face what I had accepted and allowed throughout my life as having existed as such and restricted my self as life in fear of some discovery of what i believed my self to be that was not real and only a belief, and even here I must remain in breath and not fear actually breathing in to my human physical body, as I realize within this process that I was not even really breathing into my self, that my breath was shallow, that I was not even aware of the extent that I was not really breathing, and that this indicates how separate I am from my self as life, this simple act of breathing will show how un breathing i am here within and as my human  physical body, and where there are health practices that actually get people to breath , as we are aware of the fact that we are not breathing and that health needs breath, thus everything is already here to assist and support us, that it is only not-doing that is the limitation at this point.

I commit my self to breath , to breathing through anxiety, to facing this anxiety and forgiving this.

I commit my self to stopping in every moment and becoming breath before, steady and calm.

I commit my self to breathing, and self forgiveness and corrective application, to remove all emotions, thoughts and feelings, so that I become what I am, aligned with and as life, as the principle of oneness in equality to build a world that is best for all, to bring heaven onto earth where suicide need not exist, as this is a denial of life, a constriction of self  into frustration and anger at how this world exists, where such anger and frustration can compound to the point where there is so much pain in the human  physical body that migraine head aches can cause a person to want to die to get away from the pain, yet what was the acceptance and allowance of this pain, that was not realized and forgiven was also the cause and that sympathy, though not in itself “bad or good” and a non understanding of how this world works in totality in not an acceptable excuse, and all must be done by every individual ( in divided duality as mind, polarities of more than and less than, energy addictions that move from less to more as this is the nature of energy as polarity seeking to perpetuate itself) to be faced and realized as what has been accepted and allowed, within this I breath and I clean up this mess within my self one breath at a time.

I commit my self to breath, to earth to the principle of oneness in equality, here as I am life, and I will become/allow with respect life, by becoming that in all due respect.

desteni

EqualMoney

Self Perfection is self direction.