Day 320 The quieting of disgust

It has been interesting to walk this sheen, this character, this movement into fear, as what disgust really is an allowance of as what I am/become. To have walked this sometimes subtle habit, and a habit it is, seemingly commonplace, yet once noticed, and caught as what I “go into” as a personification and stopped, using breath to ground myself, to not allow this, allows a inkling of remaining here, seeing here. Here, takes on more depth, more movement, more discernment within what is here being something that moves instead of seeming like a labeled thing - so to speak.
Yet, i realize that under this is more fear, and this fear disables this discernment, this seeing of what is here, this actual seeing of life, here, so vital, how much have i allowed myself to miss in becoming fear, petrifying myself within a distortion that is stagnant?
Which would mean that creating fear on this planet, is really a crime, a crime so absolute, I actually have the thought at this moment, that to become aware of life, which I have not realized, is going to realize the shame of what has been accepted and allowed by men believing that wealth defines existence, when the real wealth is becoming equal and one with and as the very expression of life.
What I find now what comes up a lot , is a fear of punishment. Which is a fear of death, yet to not remove fear is death, to chose not to discern what is here and how here functions and moves, is to die. Thus to not stand and support a system that supports all life as the value is a crime. The shadow of the elite, and the presentation of knowledgeand information that is ambiguous and unclear, limited, partial, is a reflection of disinformation for them as well, as a living shadow existence is not living, because in seeing life, in realizing life, there would be no fear, only a desire to become one and equal to and as life, here.
The only choice is to turn and face fear. It is the only way out. And one has to do this alone. No one can do this for us, we must do this alone. A system that allows this, as anequal money system, would allow so many who struggle so absolutely, the opportunity to stop and look at walk into life, to get this planet in order, the order of life being the value.
So, is this reaction as disgust, masking a fear of punishment from childhood.

I would sit and listen to my mother, as this was a way to placate her so I would not be punished. And I was disgusted with myself for doing this, and I want to say that my mother was disgusted with herself for what she accepted and allowed, a sense that my mother was running from her own self denial, being the want and need for attention in place of facing her self. So it was like catering to something that was dirty and being disgusted because in doing this one protected oneself from punishment. Sitting and listening to my mother was like being caught in a trap, yet at the same time the trap was a respite from the alternative which was punishment.
And as a child, I did not have the means to communicate this, so silence, and listening to wait it out.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear punishment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe, as I am here at this moment as an adult, to blame myself for not standing up within that past moment and to judgemyself here as that, as a less than for accepting and allowing, without speaking up, the behaviors of another, to avoid punishment, where I probably did not have the worlds to speak, and even if I did, because I was a child, more than likely would not have been heard, as the program of my mother was that children were seen and not heard, which was the program of many adults at that time, and still is.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as not having the strength to stand and communicate based on a past experience where I was a small childand could not make an adult hear me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up and looking here, to remain quiet within and as myself to avoid punishment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up because i might not get things from my mother as in being special because I sat and listened without reaction, all the while sitting and listening to avoid being punished.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have avoided looking and instead to have become “waiting patiently” to occupy myself instead of looking at my mother, because looking at my mother meant watching her separate from herself into and as an avoidance of herself as she had chosen to become authoritative to organize her world and keep it under control, as a means of survival, this approach being a way and means of not looking here, as organizing everything and ordering everything, meant not looking at life, here, not seeing and realizing the movement of life here, this life so vast and alive, a world the adults did not move with, and punished should this be spoken of, a description of what was here, as fluid and moving here a type of shadow existence hidden in avoidance tactics known as characters of knowledge and information, the means and ways of being lazy in disciplining self with life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear describing here, as how here moves, which ironically is actually not too hard, but such would seem strange and other worldly should someone attempt to describe such to a stagnant entity disconnected from here in and as fear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear describing consequence, to fear describing here, as life as something that moves, as this would also mean that lack of opportunity means the depression of life here, which the present system creates, a lack of life, as poverty in taking what sustains life, as a system of greed that is a state of stagnation by its nature that is a starting point of fear of loss, which is a separation from life.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear sharing life , as one time I took mice from the barn to show my mother and she flushed them down the toilet with a shriek, and I remember being shocked and horrified, and ashamed that I had brought the baby mice into show my mother, the reactions in the moment in the memory were numerous and I became overwhelmed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry within this as well, an anger that is embarrassment for not having discerned that this would be the reaction of my mother, thus my own anger is really shame, and thus a non-looking at what is here, as I had wanted attention and acknowledgement through the baby mice.
Why does this attention always seem to come up? it is like wanting to be good, and share, as thought sharing is a good thing, like what i am supposed to do. But this is a positivepolarity, thus what would initiate this seeking of a good? Simply not wanting to be punished? Had I learned a selective sharing as a way to stop punishment.
I do have a problem with seeking attention, and I react to others that I label as seeking attention - it is one of my pet peeves - so to speak.
Thus this is me, I become disgusted with seeking attention when I project this, see this, in others. It really is like I use this to not be attacked, to avoid punishment, to keep the enemy of punishment near. Like the saying keeping the enemy near. Hide from what is here. Don’t look now, you might be punished for looking.
I have a neighbor with whom I would speak and greet and chat with sometimes when we crossed paths. He has had a new girlfriend for a couple of years now. She is very loud and aggressive. One day we chatted, and he basically apologized for her behavior and said that she was too unstable and then looked at me. We no longer greet one another and chat, what we do when we notice one another is meet with our eyes, give a slight nod and that’s it. We cannot communicate any more than this, because any action that triggered the reactions this girlfriend is known to have ( she supposedly has a police record for this) are avoided. So, my neighbor and i no longer have the friendly neighborly chat. I have heard this woman go into a verbal tirade, so I am not really interested in facing one, thus I join in in the distant MO of greeting.
This is a fear of death, simplistically, I am afraid this woman is going to come and beat the shit out of me, because evidently she has done this. And she is a school teacher. Figure that one out. lol
To avoid this, is being a non-looking at here. It is like, well it is, as there is a voice in my head saying “ don’t look, don’t look, don’t look” again and again and again.
There is even a movie with Donald Sutherland called Don’t Look Now, and I remember it well, it kept me on the edge of my seat many a time.
This not wanting to look, which has come up with me before, no longer has this layer of disgust after having done forgiveness on this.
The behavior within disgust is to not look, and the fear is a fear of death and the correction is to breath and to slow down and to look at here, to stop being lazy and taking on the character of tribute to knowledge and information to entertain, where attention is an indication that I have successfully entertained myself away from looking at what is here as life. This seems a comfortable place. Un-fortune . But it is the only way out of fear.

Day 315 Reacting to reacting, another disgust/fear behavior.

I notice within the behavior as the emotion of being disgusted as a reaction, I am not looking at here, I am in fear feeling like I am trapped and cannot move. Even when I ask questions and take the time to look at what is here, I find that asking questions is not favored within this world.
I was in a master’s course to receive a degree, a Masters of Education in Reading. I kept stopping and asking the question to myself, and voicing this to the professors. I was met with a lot of impatience. My question was a statement, that there was something missing, a spatial element within the reading process. It was just a question. It really angered the professors.
One day, one of them asked me to go and speak to all of the professors. So I went and sat in front of the group of professors, and was told that they worried that I understood the material. I knew that my question was bothersome but I kept asking. I also knew that at this meeting, I had to give what they had taught, so I spoke and outlined what I had learned, and could see the whole group of professors relax. All they could hear was me asking the question and thus, judged me as not understanding simply because I was not talking about what was taught only, I was asking a question.
After this meeting I continued to ask the question - as this bothered me and I did not want to leave this undone. Finally, I got a response, as they no longer questioned the position of the question. The answer was, “ we do not know.”

My first thought was, “ Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” But this is how the mind works, it judges as less that which does not match it in words, in the party line. And questions that ask a construct to go beyond itself are met with criticism. This is ego lost in its own limitations.
I allow myself to become so angry about this, but it is myself in fear after the fact, as I step out of my questioning and look back at the danger, at the posed threat and become indignant, allowing myself to become righteous. it really is to just let it go and move on. In this case, my question was not going to be answered within the professors, as they did not know, and so, all that could be done is to move on and face this myself. The system had answered, had not wanted to admit its own limitations. I mean, I had received an answer. lol
I ask questions because they are there, and within asking the question there is a reaction towards the question, and I react to the reaction to the question without looking at why there is a reaction. So, I sabotage myself in not seeing realizing and understanding why the question is being reacted to, and realizing that questions are reacted to by ego, by limited information as what another is, as being unable to answer the question and not wanting to admit that there is no awareness to and towards the answer at that moment to the question posed.
Instead I have taken the reaction personally without investigation into the reaction as a state of “ignorance” as in having no answer that is being hidden by behaviors of not wanting to admit there is no answer within their awareness. Naturally, within a profit based system , where one’s job and paycheck determine one’s existence, admitting to not knowing something is tantamount to the loss of position, especially when, as is this system, there is competition to get the positions that enable survival. This scenario breeds ignorance, and fear. It would breed a “state of being” that is the response of “it cannot be done” because in not looking, in not admitting lack of insight position of in-come remains secure.
And then of course there are those that use this to move into positions of more, realizing that money comes before life. These then fear losing their positions of more, and do not want questions that disrupt this asked.
If we cannot see the never ending ignorance this creates, we are in trouble, because it is this that is ignoring what is evident on earth, which is the starvation, and the poverty, and the environmental abuse. The nature of this would remove itself from the physical, to not look, would create hierarchies distant from the physical, would place words on paper and then only follow the words, and the words themselves would not describe the physical world because this would mean changing, removing the ponsi scheme, usury, interest lending, self interest, greed, a centralized dictate takes physical direction away from itself, and the physical is the gift of realizing self as life.
So, with myself, reacting to reactions to questions is not a solution. What I ended up doing is becoming quiet and giving what was wanted, only to find that the behaviors were simply not wanting to move beyond the limited status quo.
Ironically, all of this is a state of being, a movement, lacking awareness of here, of how here actually functions, as a system of inequality confines and confuses, limits and stagnates. Lacks a care for what is physically real, tangible, substantial as what supports the very existence of ourselves and allows awareness of here, which is the gift of life.
We know that children who are taught that what they are allowing as in accepting and allowing themselves to be aware of the “state” of themselves as opposed to being labeled as a definitive unchangeable entity, that the difference between the two creates a person on the one hand who learns self direction and the other who is lost in judgement as being limited, so powerful is the use of words and their effects on us as life as substance. Again, we admit and know what we are and yet we react within limitation in fear of loss, meanwhile the substance as life is right here showing the way out, right in front of us.
So, to put an end to this, what is here on earth must be used to support life, to support the “state of being” of the human as life to realize we are the creators of the “state” of being on earth simply by what we accept and allow as the labels we place, where the labels are simply a part of beingness as a state able to change, or a fixed state. For some we allow development and others we do not. Until we allow all life to be life, to know itself as life able to transform and develop, there is no real life on earth, and no real development, as all the parts must be in movement in and as life for life to transcend into and as life. Thus, heaven is an illusion, a separation from life, a belief in a more than only, an idea in separation from life.
Consciousness is the manifestation of self interest in separation from life, it is the allowance of self as greed, it is self fixed in limitation, a wall of ignorance and the exit is self forgiveness to equal consideration of all life and a system that meets the needs of all life, valuing life as what is the gift.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to reactions to questions that cannot be answered by the person in authority, where I have not seen, realizes and understood within and as looking at the state of being of the person reacting and considering why such a state would exist, as I did not look at the system in totality and see, realize and understand the limitations of an existence that exists in fear of loss, as money without and a holding of values as to what self believes self is, where self had made a value within self to determine self in separation from self as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the separation into and as a more than as self believing self to be a value as a personification of a quality as what self is, is not self in awareness of self as life, equal and one, as within holding a value as making a person more-than is a judgement, and thus a state of belief as being a more than another is the focus in self interest only without self realization of the starting point of self being life, equal and one in all that is here in and as life on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a reaction, in fear of loss of self, in fear of loss of status based on the reaction of another, where I judged the reaction of another as what I am, as the other pointed the finger in judgement, to which I reacted instead of looking at how blame and judgement is a protection and defense of lack within the stance of the accuser, and this I became one and equal to accusation becoming accusation instead of stopping and looking at what is here as the state of being within and as limitation not seeing realizing and understanding an ability of self as life to direct self as life into and as understanding the physical world through using the gift of life as the physical to become aware of life as the value able to experience the state of being, simply being as what can express and move through and as many experiences of the substance of life in and as expressing life here, and thus within this, to deny this to anyone thing on earth is a crime against life, and ignorance, where humans admit that a state of being is transitory, and allowing this for some and not others, which is a limitation as life for some and not others is an act of ignorance, not really allowing life, as this isfearing life, attempting to control the nature of life, which breeds a stagnant existence, as there is no heaven on earth until all life is breathing, being, equal and one in and as life here, thus greed is an accepted limitation that is able to be realized for what it is as a state of being ignoring life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to ignorance, as my reaction is an acceptance , making me one and the same as the non-looking, which is myself in protection and defense as a limited state taught and accepted within a system of survival instead of being myself in and as life, attending to what is real which is myself giving in and as myself as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that if I tried to play the violin the way I moved as reaction to and towards responses to questions that cannot be answered then I would have never used myself as the physical and learned to play, as playing requires moving with, changing with, without judgement, or focus on being a value defined by the being of what i am doing, as playing requires focus on here, on how self moves, on what is produced, where there is not time for judgement, as what exists is simply moving here with and as self as life, equal and one in learning to be equal and one with and as the physical, which demands awareness of the physical, thus to not care for the physical world is to deny life, and thus a crime against life as knowledge and information without application is useless.
When and as I become a reaction to a reaction, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that reaction is one and the same as the protection and defense as reaction within and as reaction being blame and spite, hiding of ignorance in self interest, and thus I stop and I breath to see realize and understand the limitations of the state of being as the reaction in fear of loss, where perhaps it is to be noted that blame and spite and ignorance is not an action of prevention and thus a cure of what exists as lack of presence of self as looking at how here moves in and as the physical, where trying to find an answer in the knowledge and information as mind, is life looking up in a rotar file as mind, for solutions without physical application by self, as no information can be self physical applying self, as words can only give direction but cannot be self physically moving here, thus in one sense, no one can really tell another what they can be or do, as no one can be the physical movement of self here, thus there really is no choice but to allow self to become the directive of self, and any other option has no common sense of the physical world, which is so evident in the state of earth, where so many are starving and poverty is an unresolved growing issue, unacceptable which must change, and the means to do this is the simple application of equality, to give as one would like to receive.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realize that reaction in and as judgement, as label, as defining within limitation is a reaction of knowledge and information as label without physical seeing, realizing and understanding here, where emotions , thoughts and feelings, are as a storm of energy ignorant of looking at what is physically here clinging to knowledge and information, without application, as this is consciousness and not self as life equal and one to and as being what works in common sense as the physical, here.

Day 313 Disgust Character Behavioral Dimension

I have this memory coming up again, where i am in high school in New York and int he apartment of a major game player within the fashion industry. He is holding out a bowl of coke to myself and a friend and a friend of my sister.
I am within a reaction of being very angry. I had to leave I was so angry. At the time all I wanted to do was take that bowl of white powdery coke and smash it on the table.
This was behavior as a reaction and not myself looking at and realizing how such an act came to exist within this world. I was limited and blamed a singular point within a whole chain of consequence of profit that created such a scenario, which was a human being believing they were more than another, which is what I was being within my own behavior, more judgement.
My anger and judgment towards this one person was not going to stop what created this abuse. What exists on earth that allows and creates a need to use drugs to entertain and escape was what needed to be realized. I had already learned that drugs were not worth it. They altered reality and this was not something that was real. At the time I was a teenager, one who was not interested in drugs, which is not to say I did not try them, they just did not seem what they were promised to be, so I never fell under their spell. Perhaps if my existence had been more difficult such exposure would have had a different outcome, as there were models who got caught up in the spell of drugs.
So my reactions of righteousness and disgust were not a movement of solution and/or prevention, they were reactions only, without stopping and asking why existence contained such limiting experiences. Such reactions are not being self responsible for and as life in consideration of all life, this which is the responsibility of each and everyone of us on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have followed this friend, who I had followed before and wound up in a similar situation, thus I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have used my common sense within and as realizing I should never have made this stop off en-route to another gathering as this girl was socially involved in the modeling world, whereas I was no longer involved yet had retained some “friends” from this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become an emotional reaction of disgust and anger to and towards one of the men offering the coke, not seeingrealizing and understanding that such a reaction was fear and self anger, and self disgust for not using my common sense, both within the immediate context and within taking the time to investigate how the present systems functions and why older men were trying to become sugar daddy’s to teenage girls and thus serving their own desires without any consideration for the life of that teenage girl who is in many ways still a child, which is to say that this is an act that does not consider life, and only considers a limited desire, as an act that does not respect life, is a limited act within a limited self awareness of life, which begs the question as to why such would exist.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of anger as at the time I was also intimidated by these men, and feared having to say no to them, eventhought this was the only choice, which was the choice taken, I was having to say no within a situation that had the potential to be threatening for which I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been frightened, and thus angry, not seeing realizing and understanding that I can let this emotion go, as this is in the past and not what is here, as myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been ashamed that I had allowed myself to walk into this situation having had a similar experience one other time with this same girl, were drugs were involved.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I was ashamed of myself for having gone with this girl because I rather go to an event with another than alone, and so, against my better judgement I joined up with this girl in fear of being alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to carry this shame with me, as me, in and as a memory, to not let this memory go, to see, realize and understand that this is not myself here,as this is from the past and does not define myself here, within this moment, within this breath, unless I accept and allow this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that this even at that time in that moment, I alone could not have changed the world, as the existence of drugs, as this takes an understanding of why such a thing exists within the whole, which requires an investigation into how the present system on earth exists, without denial in beliefs in and as invisible gods, or invisible hands, as what is physically on this earth is moved by the hands of men, and thus this system can be understood through simply looking at how this world works, and as such a change will require many standing together, as history tells us that many have attempted to stand and speak up, and many stand and speak at present, yet as a “lone ranger” which is an easy target, and just as the faceless that benefit as what is behind a corporation which means the few who live lives of comfort are a group convincing the rest of humanity via media and the happy drugs of products that promise a more than, that never deliver such a promise, which we all accept and allow unless we stop and breath and investigate and self realize in common sense that we are not really living, and that to change this system will require many to stand, realize that which accepted and allowed and created this present system are the same ones, as men, who must stand and change this system into what is best for all, which means standing and being self responsible for and as life, realizing life is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my anger is myself in disgust with myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain situations that lack common sense, within and as what is not best for myself, and thus, what is not best for all, as I seek a drug by a different name, which, as in this memory, was the entertainment of going to a party, where I let down my common sense and did not follow my batter judgment of not hooking up with this friend, but was lead by a desire for entertainment in the form of a party, thus I was qualifying one type of entertainment as more than, better than another.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that yesterday when I found myself becoming the emotion of anger, I had entered into a situation where those present showed no interest, and thus not pushed the issue, as the starting point would have required at least some amount of inquiry, of which there was none and as such what can only be done is a seed planted and let it go, as just as I was as an ignorant human, as a teenager who had not in fact investigated the present system in common sense, as had this been taught, then the earth would not be what it exists as within so much disrespect for life, in and as the amount of abuse that needs but little investigation to see, realize and understand that what man has accepted and allowed is unacceptable in all common sense, and a statement that the nature of man cannot change, is in and as it self unacceptable, because if I can realize that drugs are not myself really existing here, than so can others, as such awareness is capable of being what we are, and it is only emotions, as a collection of past events as beliefs that accumulate and limited the expression of men, and since this was built up within, it can be deconstructed, just as existent systems have been constructed, can they be deconstructed, thus, the excuse - which is all it is- that I cannot change, and/or men cannot change makes no sense, and is what would be taught in a world that does not teach common sense as common sense means looking at the consequences of men, and what has been built by the hands of men, where no god, and no invisible hand can be found, if one simply investigate the practical movement of this real physical existence.

I commit myself to remaining within and as breath, to see, realize and understand that the moment i become a reaction, I am in a rush to win and not here, equal and one to the steps necessary to see, realize and understand the very consequence built that must be unbuilt, which appears to move slowly, but is simply the tack of taking down a wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas that are the very substance of life, here that are not aligned within and as what is best for all, what considers all of existence, are limitations within being equal and one, to and as what is here as this physical world, and thus are simply a self imposed burden veiling this physical world that gives freely to support life.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breathing, to realizing when and as I begin to have “bouts” of feeling tired, and yawning a lot, I must slow down and breath, and write out the events of the previous day, to see, what memories come up and the sequence of my own reactions, to see, realize and understand what I am showing myself to have accepted and allowed that is in separation from realizing what behavioral consequences I have allowed as what I accepted through the teachings of a society of inequality which I had not investigated for myself.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, realizing that all reactions, as emotions and feelings and thoughts, when having a quality of aggression, or anger, or desire for attention, are myself existing within limitation and thus not moving at ease within and as common sense of here, which is being myself as life, equal and one.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, and to breath, to realize the presence of energy as friction and conflict, and to stop and investigate without fear of judgement, as judgement is a polarity of want , need and desire in self interest in fear of loss, to then without reaction, in and as common sense within being equal and one to and as breath, within the principle of oneness and equality, to direct myself here.

Day 309 Disgust Character Back Chat Dimension

In the last days, catching myself going into disgust, which is labeling , which is spite, which is like a collection of values developed according to class, and race, and nationality, and gender, like I have a new astrological ordering system, as this is really no different than any systemic order of value into more than and less than - an “astro” value/logic ; relating to stars, stars being a consumer based entertainment, of watching what is a-maze-ZING, a zap of excitement and feel good, of emotional accolade connection, of making something “positive” within worshipping our own inability and turning it into feeling good because someone else has this. This next best thing to not being self responsible and looking at ourselves and this present system, because we can prove through our lack that we are still good because we can point out good - as in following a star quality. Notquestioning why the exception to the “norm” exists, where the exception reveals the ability, allowed development in ONLY a few.
So, we have two things here;
An accepted norm that indicates and accepted lack of development.
And, a state of being that perpetuates this lack through ogling the development, turning it into a more than, and ourselves a less than, and making this okay because we are worshipping the more than. Singular, limited, ignorant of life, of the substance of what we are as life, here.

And all the strings of belief that we are not good enough, we lack, which is what we are taught, which is what we accept and allow, not knowing ourselves as life, as we are consciousness in separation from moving one and equal with and as what is physically real. Our “astro” logic, our star chasing actions in admiration of a “more than” hide us from facing our own self discovery, of becoming ourselves as life, we are watching the stars instead of listening to ourselves as life, that sense that we know we are not standing up within what is supportive of life, as we move in self interest only, our star gazing admitting to self accepted lack. The consequences of this are compounding, so resplendent in what is happening on earth, so, the effects of profit in self interest, will soon be at your door.

We admire “star” quality instead of being that which is the source of the “star” ourselves. And this action is diminishing the fabric of life, as this earth. Allowing one point to be more than another is denying the existence of what is what creates, as being the value.

So, within myself as consciousness, as a system of value qualification, I am walking a projection of what is more than and less than, my own data book of what I reject as being less, based on beliefs accepted and taught, and voicing what I believe is more, to appear “good” and to hide my own lack of directing myself as life, in common sense of how I function within and as a physical being on this physical world. I am in essence rejecting myself as life, rejecting self responsibility in equality and oneness with and as the substance of life. And were I to to this within this embedded system of separation from life as it now exists, I would be cast out in spite, by those who walk a consciousness only, so great would the denial be, as the habit of self denial as life is now manifest as the accepted system of money determining life, which is why what brings this world back to reality is a system of equality, where money that has taken on the value developed from earth’s freely given resources, and divided this value into some getting more than others, despite the abuse this is and has created to this physical world, must become what exists on this earth to realign ourselves within and as the value being life where money is used to take the value of the resources made to support life, to be distributed to in fact support all life, realizing that life is the value.

So, the back chat in and as my mind of what is a “star” value and what is not, in and as disgust, is where I reject that which I fear will give me a lesser “star” value within and as my own survival, my disgust is really my fear of survival, my separation from what I have judged as less, what I have not accepted as being within myself as I believe it will take away from my life, when this is not of a lesser value,it is simply made to seem less than, and its existence is not fixed, it can be clarified into being directed within and as what is best for all, meaning there is nothing that can be lost, what is lost is only self direction in and as life, here. Thus, the value system of more than and less than is the illusion. It is like rejecting the very “food” of what allows self direction. Star chasing is the act of self denial as life. This, an act of stagnation only.
It means that all limitations are simply accepted “end games” and nothing else, and these end games warp reality.

It means we can no longer sit and watch TV. I means we can not longer remain stagnant, it means we can no longer accept the unacceptable.

It means that when I begin to feel a hole within my chest, and hear the voices in and as my mind of judging the being of another as stupid and ignorant, the only choice is to look at that state of being and to speak in such a way that directs from that state of being, fixed in an idea of an end game, as what is believed, just as we do with children, if we tell them they are “this or that” instead of formatting the question to suggest that the being of what they are can be moved towards an awareness of change into and as what directs, and within this existing as the principle as what we teach in our schools, and what we state within our laws as being responsible within the common good before profit, because we know what we are doing, and then this world would realize itself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe in the back chat in and as my mind of what is less than, which I reject as not what I am in and as naming this and pushing this away in and through reacting in disgust, not seeing realizing and understanding that this is myself separating myself from here, within and as being directive within and as what is best for all here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize how I am clinging to knowledge and information, instead of being one and equal with what is here, wanting being here to be easy, where within my knowledge I find a “star” solution to justify ignoring how I am within what I allow myself to be as the very expression and direction of myself here, within not realizing that for myself to be and become life, what is best for me as life, is what is best for all, where the consciousness in and as what I am as mind exists as is limited values made huge in self validation as justification for not standing up equal and one to and as life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to to not realize a movement within and as myself as emotions, thoughts and feelings as limited energetic imbalance as the very nature of separation from existing within and as life, in sound equality with the principle of what is best for all being a state of ease, where no conflict and friction exist within and as me here, as being within and as sound is voicing what is best for all, as what is best for all, is a state of equality and oneness with physical existence, where in contrast the mind, as consciousness is unstable as it lacks a physical perceptive ability of common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting back chat in and as the voice of consciousness, the voice of limitation, the voice of more than and less than value judgements, based on a system manifest without that reflects the separation from life as the human within, of self abdication in and as life, that draws attention to details as descriptions of others, being locked into a state of stagnation as what is real, having lost touch with self as being self directive within and as self as life, this being what is best for self, and thus what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become impatient with the voice as the expression of consciousness, not seeing realizing and understanding that such is myself as life, equal and one, and thus the only choice is to direct what expression exist on this earth to and towards what is the principle of what is best for all, as all that is here is capable of allowing life, within and without, where all life is allowed self responsibility in and as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that shame, as the sham, of consciousness as mind, as being self in separation from an equal and one physical and spirit connection realizing that the physical is a means of self being an expression of life, where the mind is an image as idea, opinion and belief, which are not what is life, as this is a projection onto life as idea only and not the actual physical world.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is nothing to fear, as fear is a separation into and as no longer being equal and one to and as what is real here, and thus an indicator of separation in and as a lack in understanding equal and one communication with and as what is physically real, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear energetic responses as being real.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the storm of separation manifest as back chat as systemic accepted and allowed value judgements of what is more and what is less, this being parroted through words and deeds of pointing out what is accepted and allowed as a more than, which is obeying a system of inequality and thus survival in self interest instead of what supports all life, equal and one, where life is realized and the value, of which the physical world reveals a realization of practices that are what is best for all, as such would create a world of sustainability, stability, security, which is presently not what exists on earth if one chooses to go and investigate the behaviors of men, animals, soils, and plants.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become reactive to the ignorance of the nature of life, in and as a persona of disgust which is a reaction in and as fear, which is separation from and as life,to slow myself down and to breath, to become equal with the physical and from here to choose what is best for all within and as being what is best for self is best for all.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that as a sense of disgust comes tumbling down, I stop and I breath, and I do not allow a hole of fear within and as what i am be the response of myself, I stop I breath, I bring myself back here, and I direct this back chat judgement, as consciousness , into and as myself accepted and allowed beingness to realign this within the principle of what is best for all, to realize my disgust is myself in self abidication in and as life, here.

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Day 306 Self Commitment Statements Disgust Character

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understand that seeking attention removes myself from here, from existing in practical common sense of how what is here is formed and functions, as I am too busy, too consumed with self validation.
I commit myself to breathing to realize myself here, to slowing myself down and to interact here, without seeking a more than in and as self validation, as what validates is equal understanding of what is here, within and without.
I commit myself to breathing, to notice that my own humiliation is believing myself to have lost a “win” of attention, as self validation, where when I become disgusted with this behavior in another, it is myself disgusted with having sold myself out to playing a superficial role within and as judging myself according to limited values to fit into and survive as a quick fix in lieu of standing up within and as myself in self responsibility to and as life, here, to have chosen a measure of protection instead is standing within and as an empathy with the nature of life, as this was not what the adults in my world existed as, having themselves sought self validation over common sense of what is here, believing much of what is here, to fit into categories within fixed defined systemic points, organized to hide self abdication from common sense and sympathy with and as life, where there is no win and no loss.
I commit myself to slowing myself down, to remaining here, when and as I become disgusted with a behavior of seeking attention, as this is myself ashamed of myself for a past act of separation into wanting self validation, comfort and attention thwarted in one past moment, where so great was my shame that I did not want to face this and instead blamed another for my own failure within and as acting in self interest only to survive, and to pretend the belief as the behaviors of the adults in my world.
I commit myself to slowing myself down and breathing, to align myself with this physical world, to take into consideration how what is here exists within bubbles of vapid non self substantiating equal and one movement with here , to see, realize and understand that what validates is the value being life as what is best for all, and thus best for self, is equal and one consideration of all life with every step, with every breath.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding through breathing and slowing myself down, to be equal and one with and as what is physically stable as in realizing practically what is feasible, here, in common sense, realizing that the “rush” in and as mind fears a past and dreams of a future all available knowledge and information utilized within such fantastic meanderings a being of self based on one’s societal environment of belief, opinion and idea based on societal construct of selected and thus limited values from class, race, nationality, cultural tradition, consumerist ethic, economic availability, educational exposure only as imprinted ideology lacking physical inclusive proprioception, which cannot be self here, equal and one.
I commit myself to “standing back” into equality and oneness as breath, to slow myself down as what I am as life, as substance in constant with physical common sense equality, to see, realize and understand the tool as the mind, a register of what was made huge as value lacking common sense of physical hereness, within a systemic construct of inequality where more became more, creating less and less actual living, was an idea unsustainable and destructive as what now manifests on earth, all based on a de-cor -e made/judged as more, which was a process of separation de-coring self as life.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that the disgust with myself, as myself, is the realization that the attention I seek has no real value, thus nothing becomes substantial within and as this, thus developing a character perpetually seeking for a supposed bling, energetic state, that is a state of lack, that can never be found but in short bursts, an act of depletion and separation from here, from self as life, from stability, sustainability, movement and understanding with and as life, here.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that within the storm of judgement, that is a storm of separation, that is a falling into uncertainty, that is separation that is fear, attempts of redemption, as supposed acts of love, useless if done in self interest instead as the gift of life, as self being self directive in and as life, as the gist of life, thus charity without any self action/ability to stabilize within self honesty and self responsibility and self determination is a smokescreen, a show where the props are removed as soon as the cameras of profit/consumerism are removed, and what has not been done, yet what is recorded as having been done, is what is made real, and what is real as continued and increased devastation is ignored, as the picture show has become more than the actual physical world, in all common sense a crime against life, of which the solution is to create economic equality using the structure of what has been created by men, to begin the journey to life, through providing all life on earth with what is needed to exist within dignity, this being a collective realizing the value is life.

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I commit myself to slowing myself down and self forgiving myself equal and one in common sense of practical physical existence as what supports all life, realizing that what is here is same as me, in and as being a substance of life, as this is the value in and as expression, here.

When and as I sense a character of loss, as disgust, I stop and I breath, and I become one and equal with the object of my projected separation into/onto/as to realize this projection is myself falling off the wall into a million pixels/pieces as I allow myself to separate from myself into a Humpty-Dumpty of a million pieces, where I forget myself as equal and one to and as life into separation, to stop at this moment of separation and to breath, and to bring myself back here in common sense, and to become equal and one in the shoes of another, to communicate equality and oneness in common practical sense of what is real, as this actual physical world, this gift of life.

Related articles

• Day 302 Disgust Character Imagination Dimension
• Day 294 Disgust Character : Fear Dimension The Trap
• Day 300 Thought dimension Disgust character
• Day 293 Disgust Character Memory: Self Resistance
• Day 297 Character of Disgust Fear Dimension

Day 304 Disgust towards attention seekers.

One of the reactions I have had in my life again and again, and I even created a name for it, is the label of another person being an “attention seeker.” I remember teaching in a school and in the class there was a child that needed insulin throughout the day. The teachers and the staff had to remain on top of this. Even though this child was often in the hospital on the weekends and during vacation, as her mother would neglect the insulin shots for her daughter. She was a classic attention seeker herself, the mother. And so was the daughter. This child would constantly raise her hand and ask to use the restroom, and/or if she needed her shot. And she was not a very focused student. Already, the child had learned her mother’s behavior. This would annoy me, and of course I had to take care of the girl, but it seemed to me that she would ask for something, call attention to herself in moments when the class was quiet and listening. I found this very disruptive. The children in the class noticed , but did not react. This helped me, even though I was the one annoyed by this behavior at the time. Of course, this was all accepted, because no one wanted to deal with the mother.

I do have this memory of myself as a small child, wanting attention from my father, and I go up to him, and he turns suddenly, knocking me over, and I fall on a bike, and am humiliated. I had suddenly appeared wanting attention, and when i did not get the reaction I wanted, and fell on the tricycle, I became angry, and stomped off.
I had gone to get attention, and there was no real substance to this desire.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become disgusted with actions of others that I have labeled as seeking attention, where the judgement I have and the reaction i allow is myself projecting self disgust from an event in my past, where i acted within self interest as wanting attention.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that what humiliation I experienced as I fell is an indication that I had not been present, and interrupted my father simply to get attention, and when I fell, and reacted with humiliation, then became indignant, because i had not gotten what i wanted, as attention, and stormed away in a rage of spite and blame instead of taking responsibility for myself, realizing that my fall was due to my own lack of self responsibility to and towards the situation at hand.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in this memory, as I walk towards my father, I am so locked into a singular desire for attention, to have him turn and give me attention, that i am completely unaware of my environment, like I am possessed with this desire for attention, and when I fall, I realize my folly and become embarrassed with myself, and go into humiliation and then anger and blame, and stomp off in a rage, where I hold onto this and carry this with me into the present, and become disgusted when I see this same behavior in others, as I have not forgiven myself for being caught up in this energetic desire for attention, which I had no real recognition of, at least enough to stop this before I realized, after the physical harm I experienced, was due to a lack of being self honest in that moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to label actions of seeking attention with a negative connotation, in and as fearing being revealed as the same.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i am tired, in this moment, as writing this out is creating a strong reaction of wanting to go to sleep. ugh.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this sudden tiredness, where all I want to do in this moment is fall over and sleep is my self resisting facing this point, here, of facing this reaction to attention seekers as annoying where I separate from myself into value judgements of more than and less than, specifically judging the attention seeker as “less than” to make myself a “more than” as I hang onto my own self judgement of myself having acted with no real substance.

Day 302 Disgust Character Imagination Dimension

Imagination Dimension Disgust character
I notice that when I get into an argument and become angry, I become a sneer, like I am so possessed with disgust. There is some development going on next to me, and I talked with the developer. he did not like my question, and became immediately defensive, I could feel anger coming up in me, so much smaller, yet still there. I begin to project disgust towards this person, distain, and a glee, in thinking that this person revealed themselves to me and now I have license to attack. This is all based on fear of loss, and it is the same behavior I encountered with my parents, which I wrote about in a previous blog. This, “ okay, you are acting in self interest, bullying me, so you are now equal to me, and no better than I in my own self interest, so we are even, even to be the same.” This wry smile, a glare as an expression on the face appears, like Pnadora’s box has been opened. What does this do? Nothing. And we all do this, it just moves so fast and has been done so often that we do not even notice it anymore. It is done indirectly, directly, aggressively and passively. Were it not done, than this world would be a different place. And, since this is a movement within, this suggests that this need not be what we are, as even one moment of being forgiving, means that this is what can be the movement within, it is only ourselves/myself stopping the forgiving of myself as life, within and as the principle of what is best for all. The situation I spoke of above, is about money, and all this other person could see was a threat to their money, to their survival and since these behaviors are accepted, this survival to not lose, to not face a death, be it the final death, a death of social status , a death of monetary support as in loss, within consideration of immediate self needs only, without considering what goes on for all inhabitants of earth, is criminal. How can living in constant worry about survival be an expression of life? How can we even consider that there is any other option but to care for all life, especially in the face that we have major transportation and communication systems across the earth? There is food grown all over this earth, there are robots now that can lift heavy things, I mean, there is absolutely no reason, what is here on this earth is not being taken care of as life, needs met. The only thing stopping us at the moment is an entrenched behavior of complacency. If we/I could just take a deep breath and step outside of our metaphysical minds, in not much time at all could this world be turned around. The first step is to stabilize what is here, with food and shelter and clean water. Then, once this is done, move from there.
In common sense, there are major distribution centers all over the world, I mean we can sure get guns and tanks and naval ships every where! There are even cards measuring every oyster! I mean really! There are satellites circling in space, taking picture of the earth. And it is not that rich man with the money in his pocket that placed that satellite there, the money moved the resource un-equally, but it did not physically move that resource, what has been dictated is a metaphysical idea imposed as a picture in the mind that that money created that satellite, this is, in all common sense NOT what actually, physically happened here, as a movement to place that satellite up there in space. This satellite could just as well been placed there within a system where all life was supported, because the hands of men are here, these hands have been developing what is here to enable that satellite to come into existence, for generations. Metaphysical mind is a new term for superstition, all fancied up and used in higher education for some glorifying nuance that is actually shades of grey of separation in the world of shadowy illusion, the metaphysical tool of the mind made bigger than life.
So, this disgust is my separation into self interest because I believed someone else was doing this, thus it means it’s okay for me. This is, “ Let’s open Pandora’s box together and play metaphysical dress up with separation into and as energy, let’s impose a fantasy on the physical world, a limited one at that, and cut our noses off despite our face”
The problem is that here is no such thing as win and lose, the action and belief of this means separation from here, from communication in common sense of what supports all life, where what is supportive, really supportive of self is supportive of all on earth. Thus there is only a win-win scenario within providing what is necessary for a dignified life for all of existence. And the means for this are here. This is life having a real free will, a will of itself as the substance of self, being free, and this is the nature of life, mind in place as the tool that it is, that which takes a metaphysical picture of life, but is not life, thus does the actual physical world show us the outflows of our perception, allowing us to self realize ourselves in equality and oneness in and as life. What the human has done is gotten lost in the action of the mind as the metaphysical image mechanism. It was only the desire to be a “god” that turned the mind/image maker into a reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I encounter self interest , as fear of loss, that I then have the right to join the game, because if you are doing it than it is okay for me to do so also.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand immediately how I have judged another as acting in self interest, to stop and not allow myself to become disgusted which means I have already also become a judgement instead of becoming one and equal to the separation as a separation from common sense, and to within this to breath and take the principle of oneness and equality, of what is best for all is best for self, and to direct myself accordingly.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the moment I imagined escaping punishment as a child, and joining the behaviors of separation as what my parents had learned and existed as, I joined in the game of win and lose, energetic polarities of separation as a total package that is an outcome of loss, yet the immediate outcome appeared to be a win, which was in essence a superficial win, as the eventual outcome would be death.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the disgust was myself that I then projected onto my parents, as I became a justifying state as a feeling in and as glee, as I had only won a momentary reprise from punishment, beginning a slow death into existing as fear, a fear of loss.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this is the past, and not myself here, and thus judging myself , and/or continuing to allow this as an adult, is unacceptable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite myself and the world around me, I enter the game of separation and become disgusted, wanting all around me to suffer the same.
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to project disgust onto another, to when and as I realize what i am doing, as I remain in and as breath, here, I stop and I do not allow myself to become a habituated behavior learned in childhood in protection and defense in and as becoming a lie.
I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to compare one thing against another, using a value system of limitation from common sense of physical reality, as what was taught within my cultural upbringing, where when I find myself judging one thing as more than I go into a behavior of self disgust/inferiority and or judge something as less than where i project disgust onto that which I judge as less than and allow myself to feel superior through glee , all of this a protection defense mechanism to remain within what is believed to maintain survival within a system of inequality.
I commit myself to realizing within and as every breath, what I accept and allow in every moment here, to realize that any emotion in and as disgust is myself not wanting to stand one and equal to what is here, rejecting equality and oneness, communication with life, as I am allowing a belief, based in an image from a past as mind to be what is real.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that judgement is an imposition in and as comparison of a more than and a less than categorized value of reality according to what was learned to enable my own status maintenance to survive where I would react in a projected disgust towards what was taught as less than, and also, a self disgust for separating from equality and oneness in and as myself as life.

Related articles

• Day 300 Thought dimension Disgust character
• Day 294 Disgust Character : Fear Dimension The Trap
• Day 297 Character of Disgust Fear Dimension
• Day 293 Disgust Character Memory: Self Resistance

Day 300 Thought dimension Disgust character

Interesting that those times when “speaking up” came in with calm, with a voice strong yet steady, no blame, no spite, really expressing understanding with here, these are thetimes, I remember myself being effective in calming my outer world, being listened to. This silences the back.Am I so addicted to reactions and desires that this contrasting calm seems like nothing?
Here comes the shame. A shame for all the times I wanted more, wanted/desired a “more”, and within this simply not being here, going into chaos as division as separation, coming out the other end into self disgust because I was ashamed of myself for wanting some excitement, as in imagining an illusive winning “something” and nothing was won.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire something, to believe that something outside of myself will create me as a “more than” in comparison to others.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that there is something outside of myself that will give me more: I am here, as life, which in common sense means simply being here, and yet there are others, who suffer from such actions as those believing this and that somehow makes a “greater than” and so driven to become this, in separation from self as life, that many animals, plants, and people suffer on this planet.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a “more than” as all I can do, is be with what is here in and as myself here.

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I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breath, to stop the separation into and as belief, opinion and idea of there being a “more than” scenario, as what I am as a human being, is always with what is here, as myself, even if I were on some stage and there are massive amounts of people in the audience, it is still simply myself being here, this idea of something “more” is an illusion.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that the rush to be more within and as this world, as the behaviors of the human, is causing massive abuse to life on this earth, and it is all in reckless disregard of life, both within and without.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that all I can ever be is here.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that my memories of disgust, are myself realizing that I had accepted a belief, as a more than that something outside of myself defined me as more.
I commit myself to stop, to breath with ease, to no longer allow myself to believe that I am less than, to be a judgement of myself as less than in actions as blame and spite, an outward manifestation as a behavior of myself disgust, masking my own shame for believing I can lose myself as life - make myself a more than, not seeing, realizing and understanding that all there is, is to speak in common sense as the substance of life as the fabric of what is here.