LOOKING here; at self hate Day 772

Looking here continued.

If I look at being ephemeral, where the ephemeral is something intangible, as yet inchoate, yet the stirrings of something, like a world on a world, like a musical stream, a musing that blindly moves in ignorance of what is real and what is here, missing the real expression all around us as the physical, would it be hard to admit to the division, and the real understanding of having done so, allowed such? 

 Can that shadow that is intangible, yet tangible, be that hard to correct? Would the resonance of such, appear to be something difficult to handle.? Within this, in time and space, it is interesting how the very words I use are all from the previous day coming from interactions, and how the words I speak influence the next day, because the words I have used seem to come up suddenly. 

Yesterday, I was driving home with my son, having picked him up from school. In the car he suddenly said that a person he knew was a toxic onion. lol, I was surprised that he recognized a pattern and called it out. he has been waiting on tables part time and interacted with a lot of people, and we have talked a lot about behavior, thus it is not as surprising as I might like to think. 

He also talked about an interesting model within learning. He had read something that described how we learn in our present environment. Imagine understanding something being a circle, when something is completed, or a goal in development has been reached- as another way to say it.  With the onset of building an understanding, one begins with  a simple scaffold in relation to becoming aware of what that circle is as a complete state of understanding. One begins, as enters into awareness of towards being aware of the total circle, via seeing first, as being with, a degree of awareness that is on the level of that simple triangle. Then that turns into a square, then a pentagon shape, then a hexagon shape and so on. Until one becomes a shape with many lines filling in the circle to the extent the space in the circle is filled. The point when one’s scaffold of understanding appears to completely fill in the circle, there comes a moment that is like a jump , where one is equal to the circle. This jump is a movement into grace. 

I see this, within looking at anger. I asked my son if he understood that anger is always self hate. Without hesitation, he said yes. lol, that was cool. 

What does an ephemeral world, a shadow world and reaching what is a metaphor for closing a circle - having a point of expansion that is a leap into grace, - AND anger being self hate,  have to do with one another? 

Anger being self hate,  ultimately ( and realize that there are no problems, there are only solutions, meaning a mis-take can ONLY BE CORRECTED INTO UNDERSTANDING )  means one is resisting LOOKING HERE, one is resisting one’s own capacity to find solutions, which must include this practical and physical reality. Anger exists when value judgements about something  are made larger than reality, which is a separation from reality, and thus lacking a state of grace, of which the very behaviors of anger are a marker of and as as an indicator of a loss of grace! 

One must simply LOOK at the ephemeral values as what one is lost in as one’s inner musings and deconstruct them, to refocus on the practical and physical living reality. 

Within myself I realize, having participated in the intangible, allowing and accepting it to be larger than life - running from it, hiding from it - that having to turn and face my biggest fear, which is really a fear of having accepted and allowed the same within myself, is so embedded, and yet, dare I say here, that it is possible to reach a state of grace within and as this.  Interesting how this brings a sense of shame and joy at the same time. Yet this is that point of leaping into grace, which no one can do for me but myself. 

If I reflect on the present system, I can see where it is a form, just as within myself, where a denial, a resistance of accepting ‘ grace’ is the thing most avoided, most resisted, and of such a busy work to retain doing everything possible to NOT LOOK HERE. 

Yet, there is no other place to go to. It is as simple as that. 

 The math of polarities as the game of good and bad value judgements, is such an illusion, it is quite astounding. And yet, from some small experiences, it is what every single one of us really want. One cannot see it if one is seeing ONLY a limited scaffold that is the focus of self, in separation from seeing the circle. The circle being the real, living and practical world around us.

Teaching children to ‘ fill in the circle’ in a box in their heads, is a backwards construct.  Using chemicals to balance out  dis-ease in the body, is completely backwards.  Having systems where some supposed authority, as authors of how things work, learned in a box, in a backwards way, is backwards - especially with bureaucracies of same construction as human beings who have moved contrary to life, is also backwards. It is all the opposite of life, using limitation to  resist reality.  The game and math of resistance to self as life, as living in a bubble as a head trip, of good and bad, right and wrong, blame and spite, resistance and rejection, is up. We live in a physical creation of form and function, where harm towards something is visible, and not what we would want for ourselves. Therefor , in any shape or form, it is unacceptable to harm. 

If I really understand that anger is always self hate, can I go out into the world and no matter what, act with grace towards all things, as being a voice as a starting point to say out loud, no matter what, that anger is always self hate? Will this stop a person moving into a track of and as an ephemeral  existence, visible and composed of polarities, as movements within a bubble as a built self interest, as a created self of and as energy that is division from what is eternal? This division of self, composed  of blame and spite  building  projection and conjure ( con- jure = with judgement )  that is the opposite of life as real self creation?  I suppose that the marker of this  state of grace would be to remain in gentleness, in a steady grounded focus with humility,  both reciprocating , as taking back to self, the math of separation AND remaining grounded here. After all, what are words for but to communicate what is here. 

Moving against a tide of separation, means being the same as what caused the separation, which means relating things with persistence in accord with reality.  The same as separation is built. Self dis-- covery is a process,  it i re-versing one’s self.  One must realize one’s verse and then realize the scaffold of one’s separation, to uncover what was always there; the circle. lol what a head trip! 

More on Processing Information . Day 756

I have decided to do a 21 day consistent blog post. Something that I have not done for a while.

Why? To realize patterns, to improve the ability to see how I move every day. To practice realizing patterns to increase my recognition of patterns of behavior and by extension, call them out by name, because like using a metronome to speed up processing,  I become more than just doing one aspect of something, as in learning an instrument, learning to play an instrument, I do not ONLY learn one thing and add it to the whole, I build in becoming aware of all parts. 

Everyone has something unique about them, we all realize that, this that one could say is somehow lost as we get older.

And everyone has ideas, beliefs and opinions, after all do we not know the beliefs of our friends?  DO we not argue about the political denominations and what they believe should be brought forward as a value? Why is it that we endlessly debate this? We argue about phonetic teaching and whole word teaching, when the process involved both. It is actually some of both. The action of reciprocity between the two takes one forward. It is like a movement into greater and greater balance.

This morning i woke up and moved to make a cup of coffee. I stopped, because i have added something else that i am doing before I make a cup of coffee. As I found myself moving to make the coffee before this added activity, it was as though I could see, as I was lead, by that habit, that was like a cloud around me. It had a definite division between the space of here and myself, and it appeared as something projected outside of myself. Remember many talk about a veil. 

I mean, ask yourself, when you become emotional about something, which has the quality in behavior of resisting something, what that movement is? Could you, if you looked, sense the tension in the space of that? I mean, why is it that we can go to the ocean and sense a lightness, an airiness in the space? Why is it that we can go and walk in nature and sense what appears, or could be called a presence in itself? Just because the information that composes that habit I have changed in the morning for myself cannot be ‘ seen’ what is it that is actually causing that movement to be automatic? Could it be as invisible as I believe? It was not there when I was a child because I did not have that habit? What was that ‘force” or movement around me that I could almost sense the edge of as I recalled what I had made a new decision to do and had to change out of? 

I mean, when I enter a group, because I want to get involved, do I  enter into the group to acclimate to the composition of information, as that body of directing information as the habit of making coffee first thing in the morning that I had to change up to do something new?  When I enter into a new group, am I moving to compose myself to that body of information? Yes, and it is probably natural, habituated with a focus so much on that, that one has forgotten how that following of information is built. In this, one is walking around in resonant bubbles of information, acclimating one’s own resonance to others, with friction when the two are different, as one has forgotten to become silent, to realize potential from a starting point of seeing not only this consequence of resonance but also that which is the physical reality around us that can when one is near the ocean, a remembrance of that sense of lightness that happens when one is near the ocean. 

It is just like learning a language. The language of math, for example. As one practices the basic algebra, one moves with more ease and greater processing ability to the point where one sees the equation and the answer at the same time. If one does something like this in a narrow focus, one can forget the whole and become as I was potentially moving this morning, moving as habit, as a set body of information creating a resonant model, and potentially forgetting the new movement I had made the decision to be and do that I managed to catch and change, and also, could almost, in such a subtle way, sense the outer line of that bubble that must be composed of information that I projected and followed as me. 

It is somewhat like learning vibrato on the violin. I started slow, set the boundaries, and then speed up the movement until it became manageable and natural, the magic being in the doing of the thing. I had to move beyond automation, because sometimes one speed of vibrato worked well in one case, and another in another case. I had to be in control of it, every tiny measure of and as it. Otherwise, it ran me away from myself, and I became uncertain with and as it. 

I ask myself how much I do not slow down to enter into a moment with a clear slate, to not only see my habits within this, but also to see the potential, which I would call change as acceptance and embracing of what is here. This means to realize my own patterns of behavior, and the composition of such patterns in others around me, and what is equal in presence to the living reality around me. 

I see, realize and understand how this that I was this morning before I caught myself, that I was walking in on the valley of earth, and standing in a bubble of values that were quite literally a movement of good and bad, right and wrong, more than and less than, no longer questioned and habituated, of a presence creating a veil of directing information that was a shadow and not myself being present here. It was myself not aware of who and what I am as a living man on a physical planet. I had created/composed a shadow world that I followed instead of being aware of this, and myself here. 

Ask yourself why with age, a sense of space is lost, as one begins to lose one’s natural spatial sense. Ask yourself why in high school, one language as math or language can become something one feels one is not good at? Is this not a red flag that one’s sense of measure has narrowed to the extent one has already  become beliefs filled with associative thinking that has the behavior of resistance to some things and acceptance of others? Is that not the beginning of a loss of real critical and creative thinking/presence/awareness?  Is that not the loss of  being able to change and look here? Is that not the beginning of walking in the valley of smoke and mirrors and only seeing the composition of one’s accumulated value judgements? 

If I can sense the edges of vibrato on a string, can’t I sense the edges of an entity of belief directing a body, just as I did this morning , and do in certain social situations? Does pushing against and resisting such things  allow the two minds of and as this to meet?  Is this how we have come to ignore and abuse this real living physical reality, as that on which our feet are placed that is real? 

Until tomorrow. Thank you for reading. 

Day 292 Self forgiveness: Make-Up and the Modeling World

Today I put on some make-up to be presentable within the norm/expectations of the present “barbie doll” world. I don’t wear make-up, so it is something I have to learn about; the shadows on the face, the highlighting, the “bringing out of the eyes” ( so they are “blingy” lol.)
So, I am there applying this make-up and I find my self becoming increasingly aggravated and angry. The back chat starts, “ why do I have to do this”, “ this eyeliner pencil is a drag, how the hell do people do this all the time!” , “ this is so stupid!”
THen I start thinking about the whole modeling scene in New York and all those girls, those children. Then I think of all the middle aged corporate men who drooled around these girls, not caring, not seeing that these girls were children.
So, as I applied this make-up I got angry, and started rushing, getting annoyed at every little thing, Like placing my car keys on the seat next to me, and in the next moment of not being here, forgetting that I had just done this, and becoming anxious that I had somehow misplaced the keys. It all just went on and on, even though I knew this was happening, from walking the process of self forgiveness, I had to keep calming myself down, slowing down and breathing.
Okay, there is nothing necessarily wrong with wanting to add color to my face, I mean why not play with what is here, as life. And I am sure there are ways to create such mediums that are not abusive to animals, or toxic to the environment of earth, including my skin. And the wearing of color on my face does not need to be coupled with theabuse of children within the modeling/fashion industry by the overblown fantasy of the reproductive act of sex, which is really two bodies touching and need not be considered anything more, nor developed into some mental picture addiction leading to obsessive behaviors about body image - not that we should not take care of our bodies, as we should, they are life and therefor to be respected and understood. Any practice that is not what is best for anything on this planet is a crime against life. The disease here on earth is that profit has come before life, and this must stop, there is no excuse for it. Time for a direct vote, and equal life sustaining payment for all, as unequal profit based pay simply leads to the disregard of what is best for all, as survival comes before this gift of life.

Anyway, I am here to forgive my anger based on the memories from my past, where I have associated using make up with the abuse of children in the modeling world, where I made myself superior to make up in creating a relationship with make-up to men in grey suits hovering around prepubescent child girls in New York city.
This week I also came across a magazine with fashion pictures. In one of the pictures there was a child girl that had to be about 12 to 14, all dressed up with make-up. I took the picture and asked a man how old he thought the girl was, he said 20, maybe 18. I told him to look again. She was a child. I should know, my sister was such when she started modeling, she was a child, not a woman; no thighs, no breasts, a child just beginning to turn into a woman. The man looked again and found it hard to believe, he could not see through the image with the short dress and the make-up. Then he looked again and began to notice that yes, she was a child. He was shocked, or at least he “played into” what I was saying. This ignorance really gets me, that someone could be so blind and moved by an image without really looking at it, And yet, I am sure i have done the same. All that can be done is for such to be pointed out until reality is seen for what it is, and the fantastic ideas projected and advertised, that are limited and addicting, that are not real, will never satisfy. These ads are really child pornography, and the selling of a product promising happiness and fulfillment, and this promise can never be reached because it is not real, it is limited, it does not consider life in totality, absolutely. Trying to fulfill self as life, within all capacity of sensing this actual real physical world, cannot be done by themind alone, this takes awareness with self and the physical totally, not with pieces of self and not when directed from without, as only self as life, from self can life be lived, equal and one to and as the actual physical world. Slow down and start hearing what is going on in your mind. It is the voice of your fear, taught for generations, it is the map of your separation from life, and the world of profit and all it promotes as the outward projection of this limited being of each of us as what we have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry within and as putting on make-up.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become irritated within putting on make-up.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the behaviors of my past within and as judgement of past events that I was powerless to change, as I was one girl among many, and these girls were trying to make a living, as the desire to survive was the only choice many of these children believed,as all the adults around them were within the same behavior as this is what has been accepted and allowed by humans on this earth for generations, which is what is meant by the term, “ the sins of the fathers.”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I became angry with this so many years ago because i believed that I could not competewith these limited values of what a woman should look like, as I did not have these kind of looks, and my sisters who were the models had to have a chaperone because the men were only considering their own desires as what had been taught as how we express ourselves within want need and desire as mind in separation from awareness of ourselves as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that no matter how much make-up I put on I will not fit the image and likeness of what is considered the face of a model, thus do I allow myself to become inferior to my own judgement that another human being is superior to me within seeing limited values as what i accept and allow, thus do I become the same as the model a separation from life within being a polar opposite.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have back chat in and as voices in my head , that criticize all aspects of the modeling industry, such as wearing make-up and high heel shoes, and tight clothes, and worrying about how I look and the behaviors of the girls and the photographers, and the business men within the industry.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become reactions in and as my mind, where I lose my sense of what is here and become anxious, not remembering from one moment to the next where I placed my keys.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as the behavior of “rushing about” because I am not comfortable with applying make-up and it ended up taking longer than I thought.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry at an eye-liner pencil, where in doing so, I am so busy being angry that i am no longer here, slowing myself down and simply practicing with applying the eye-liner slowly focusing on how this functions, where with practice it will become faster and not seem so overwhelming.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of rushing within doing something “new” within my normal ways of doing things.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow the behavior of anxiety, not seeing realizing and understanding how this causes my whole body to tense up, to the point where I am not longer able to move within this physical environment at ease, and end up dropping things and forgetting what i need to have with me.
I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding how I move from emotions to feelings, all based on the past, where I at first become angry and negative about the make up and think about the models and then call make-up stupid in and as my mind, which is an act of justification, turning a negative into a positive in self interest to place myself superior to what is negative instead of looking at what is unacceptable as the negative, which in this case is my own sense of inferiority and the abuse to these child/girls as the existent system of abuse of life, through placing life into limited delusional more than and less than expressions.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that wearing make up can be a cool way to express myself and thus, here in this moment -though I would want such products to not be harmful to this earth and its inhabitants- it is to reach into this present system and stand within and as what is best for all, as standing on the edges and pointing fingers of blame and spite will do nothing to change this world, change is walked and practiced, not something that magically appears through complaining and talking about what needs to be done, it is doing that creates.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining within each breath in each moment, and to focus myself on what is here, without judgement, without becoming the reactions in and as judgements as memories from the past, using these as determinants of the future, as this is a separation from what is actually physically here, where within allowing such behaviors I separate from here, from facing the storm of emotions and feelings and judgmental thoughts in others when I allow myself to become one and the same as mind, as a system of separation into more than and less than beliefs, opinions and ideas, rejecting what is physically here as life, and becoming the self direction in and as what is best for all, to learn to speak a living, directing word within the principle of oneness and equality, in and as how to direct oneself as life absolutely.
I commit myself to realizing that at the moment, just as that man looking at that magazine could not see the child all dressed up to look like a woman/prostitute, the present system is composed of the same movements as mind in separation from what is real, what is under the veil of the dictates of a consumerism promoting a religion of self filled with desires as product to pur-chase what can be bought to maintain and define these developed rely-igions within a profit based system of inequality, where money is used to regulate control by a few “haves’ to maintain that control, creating many have-nots within an illusionary game of fantasy in separation from what is real and right here, life, all that is needed is to stop and breath and bring ourselves out of our minds and to look, to see, realize and understand that what we seek is what we are, which is right here, which is life.
I commit myself to facing the consequences of what has been accepted and allowed on this earth, that is very quickly destroying this earth, and to stand and to walk within what abilities i have to become a directive principle within and as what is best for all, here.
I commit myself to , when and as I apply make-up to slow myself down, focus on here, apply make up without separating into judgement and emotional /feeling polaritymemory based reactions and ensuing behaviors leading to physical constriction ignorant of a common sense of the mind map/physical, to remain here, equal and one in and as breath, equal and one in and as life, here, within the principle of what is best for all is best for self, where as this, there is nothing to lose, as this is being one and equal in and as life.