a widows journey to life: obsessive compulsive

Showing posts with label obsessive compulsive. Show all posts

Thursday, October 4, 2012

165 Becoming obsessive within reaching a goal

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a thought that I must get something done, now, as in feeling that I have not done enough unless I have reached a specific goal within a organized period of time.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I believe that I must complete something within a set period of time, I end up skimming the surface and within this creating ideas and beliefs as a guide within the end product of goal desired and miss what is actually here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in having a goal, I end up following an idea, and lose common sense of what can be done here, as I become obsessed with the goal and believe that I must do more in relation to the singular goal i have set for myself, as I rush wanting this goal to be done before I take on another activity, not seeing realizing and understanding that I can let go what is not necessary to be done in reality in relation to one thing, and remain focused here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I become obsessed with one goal, I limited my ability to be here, lose objectivity in relation to understanding that some things I walk through cannot be immediately “finished “ or completed in one day.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that a goal must be completed immediately, where losing myself within this want and desire I am losing sight of the very rhythm of what is necessary to complete some goals, that take time over a few days or weeks, and within this I obsess over the goal and fall into gloom and doom, imagined, possibilities in constantly thinking about the goal, as I hold a belief that I must think about the goal until it is completed, or I might “miss” something, when in fact it is this obsession that causes a loss of common sense, as I become separate in my obsession, and thus anxious.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow myself to imagine a goal not being completed, as part of my obsessing over the goal in fear i have missed something, where I become the fear i have missed something instead of looking at what is here, walking the steps , where as I walk I discover what needs to be done and thus the answer come with the walking and my obsessing is simply obsessing, and thus an act of separation from what is actually here, and within this I end up getting less done because I end up spending so much time enacting possible scenarios out in and as my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have internal dialogues where I have a thought that “ this might happen”, or “oh no, I didn’t think about this”, of “what if this happens”, and none of these things are actually here, which is to not deny planning, but to look practically in common sense and to not bring in fears from the past, and to realize that theprocess of reaching the goal can change as the outcome is walked towards within the steps necessary to compete the goal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to mull over the choices I have made in relation to the goal and to place all manner of fears as judgements of more than and less than in relation to ideas of what might be lost or gained, placating fears based on what i have been taught is more than and less that within the culture in which I live.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow the back chat as the mind as a collection of moral codes as analysis of what the decisions I make are as a value measured as what i have been taught that has no awareness of what is actually real as this physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that within this I become anxious and end up pacing around waiting for the goal to be completed, not realizing that this restlessness of myself is in separation from what is here, as I am anxious to hurry up and complete what I started, not seeing what I am doing in common sense, where worry and thinking about a decision already made is not going to add any special power of drive to the completion of the goal, and will only turn myself, as a behavior, into a restless personality of anticipation in relation to the completion of the goal, on which within this character I become obsessive and compulsive.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within this I place pressure on myself, just as clouds place pressure in the falling tides through barometric pressure, causing the tides to not move as fluidly, and am I the same as my clouds of obsession cause a pressure within in and as my desire to complete a goal immediately, and I end up causing myself to stagnate and no longer move fully aware of myself in and as breath, as I am off in and as my mind , in worry, and fret and questioning about every decision I have made in relation to a desired outcome.

I commit myself to slowing myself down and letting go of the decision I have made in relation to the step right in front of me as me, and to let this step complete itself before thinking about the step in a future that is not what is here within this breath in this moment.
I commit myself to slowing down and breathing, to stop myself from skimming the surface of what is actually here, as I am possessed and obsessed with completing a goal.
I commit myself to realizing that within obsessing I am separating from myself into and as judgements and allowing fears to imagine myself into a possible scenario that has nothing to do with what is actually here, where breath allows more insight into what is here than any dialogue in and as fear as my mind.
I commit myself to no longer judging the outcomes of a goal not immediately completed, as the mind as myself tends to judge the process within failure, and weigh possible success way before the goal can possibly be completed, causing a lot of unnecessary worry, stress and fear to become what I believe in and as allowing the mind to be all that I am here, in separation from looking at the totality of what is necessary to complete some tasks.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Day 157 The I am vulnerable character

Day 157 The I am vulnerable character
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am vulnerable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that because I am a woman alone I am vulnerable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the voices in and as my mind where I have been told by the establishment that I am vulnerable in remaining alone.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that yes, within a profit based system of inequality to life, life as value before profit, creates a survival system of greed instead of support, and within this all life is vulnerable, thus in one way, it is an illusion this one idea that a woman alone is vulnerable, as all that is here has no real stability, as what is stable is not respected which is the substance as what we all are one and equal to which is life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to follow the dictates of limited value as to what is stable and what is not stable, as nothing is stable within this present allowed andaccepted system of money determining life, a determination created in separation from life by man. Within this, I realize in common sense, that many create the whole, just as the many cells create the physical human form, thus it is not to allow myself to react in and as a belief that I am vulnerable but to use common sense and walk as solution with the life that is here, and join with others to support a system that does not allow subjection to abuse in any way and a constant caution as protection/defense of a possibility of abuse.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that focusing on a belief that I am vulnerable, allowing this to cause horror films in and as my mind, is not a solution, and will cause irrational reactions and choices made, not a being of myself that will remove a sense of vulnerability but only allow it to compound and consume which is not an expression of life, but an expression of fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a character of doom and gloom in and as worse case scenarios, as dramas played out in and as my mind, where I imagine myself as being poor and alone, or living in my car, as some woman do in America, as they do not have enough to support themselves in any other way, and some of these woman lived lives as professional working people, as i should know, my father was fired as a big corporation bought out the newspaper he worked at and laid off the older workers close to retirement so as not to pay full pensions, thus, a hard working person has no real stability within and as this system where money determines life, and we are all to blame with every moment we do not actively support a change to a system that supports all life, that values all life, until it is done, Period.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that we are all vulnerable until we use ourselves as life, and face our personas of fear as what we are, as what we have been taught, as what supports the few who own the media, and a subjective ownership of freely given resources, that is dominating through fear, which we allow in participating in all emotions, thoughts and feelings, desires, wants and needs that are more than what is actually needed to live as a human in dignified support, in very basic terms, for all here, until this world is organized as a system of life support, where what we can become as life will be realized, this that cannot be done until all stand within the realization that life is the value.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am only as vulnerable as the collective allows, as it is the collective that creates the whole and thus it is the collective that determines life on this earth and not some invisible god, or invisible hand, the real “snake oil” sold to the people, the human who has had not self directive development as the very life substance of what we are, as this would allow the smoke of illusion to be seen for what it is, a separation from life.

I commit myself to no longer allowing and accepting a belief, taught by parents and friends that I cannot walk in common sense because I am a woman alone and must perpetually fear because as a woman alone I am vulnerable.
I commit myself to realizing that I am only alone if I ignore what is actually physically here.
I commit myself to stopping any and all gloom and doom scenarios in and as thoughts, emotions and feelings playing out as voices in and as my mind based on an idea that “ a woman alone is vulnerable” which is a distraction and a separation from common sense of this actual physical world, where, yes, one must remain careful within a system where money determines who lives and who dies, yet this cannot become an energetic reaction in fear, ignoring what is here.
I commit myself to realizing that I am only alone if I accept and allow an idea of what being alone means within the established roles promoted by a system that does not respect the value of life, and moves in self interested desires, wants and needs upheld as fulfillment where it is obvious that such is never fulfilling and only possessing the need for more and more and more, becoming an obsession and not a directive developing awareness of life, where all are able to realize that obsessive compulsive behaviors are repetitive behaviors and as a repetition - as what they are- do not, and thus cannot create awareness of life, of self as a repetitive action is limited and non expanding, which is why it is called obsessive compulsive. Within this, given the amount of sexual action of self interest where fucking children is repeated again and again, children abused and a repetitive action of no awareness acted upon, what the human has created and allows is not a behavior of self direction and expansion and development, but a system of ignorance of life into and as behaviors of extreme repetitive abuse, thus do we show ourselves our own accepted and allowed creation.
I commit myself to realizing my own repetitions as outflows, in and as the continuance of the same worries and fears, in and as my mind, and to utilizing self forgiveness, writing and corrective application to gain objective of my own compulsions based in fear, and to self correct in alignment with life, as what is best for all where the value of myself is realized as life, and respected through actions that are best for all so that I am no longer a walking repetition in and as fear, and am able to stand as life and expand in awareness of what is here and how it functions to become a solution with every step and stop a reaction as the repetition of fear.