I am dealing with a family that has problems with their children. I have talked with both parents and the child. Having watched so many children, specifically read, their body movements, the way their eyes move, where the very music of them stutters, I look at the child speaking with me, I ask some questions, just to get him to speak, so I can hear the words, see how he moves, like when I taught children violin. I had to watch to see if the form, as their bodies, was in alignment, balanced, and how they were moving as the blocks as the notes, because when one reads music, one see the patterns as blocks, and takes in the form of this. Playing the violin takes an awareness of many angles, and to get this to come out in balance as a child, takes some “ reconfiguring.” One has to know where things are not flowing, even within. With reading and speaking it really is no different.
I listen to this boy. I speak with his parents. I notice there is spoken agreement. But, when it comes time to organize, nothing. It is like seeing a seed emerge and then no capacity to follow through. the whole scenario will be sabotaged with this action. But then, this is somehow understood because they had reached out and come to me. The only thing is to call this out and walk the limitations in the way, direct through this, make it plain, and either the action is taken or not. I feel responsible for the steps that would lead to self responsibility. But the maze appears too much to me.
So, I find myself going into planning, emotional planning, to face what comes. I remember that everything was analyzed in my family, about every single action one made in various situations. Then the fault line was pointed out. The verbal punishment ensued, the reprimand. I felt that i was trapped because the questions came at me, where i was caught in answering but never allowed to ask the questions. Perhaps, as I became older, I then started to ask more questions, or bring up more variables, as is natural, but then used this, when successes had been made, as a way and a means of deflecting the whole situation so as to pre-empt where I for saw within the event the fault line. So, I got caught up in a game of avoidance tactics, smoke and mirrors, using my sense of space and time to build my own castle walls. This is like consuming an ability in very narrow and limited ways, instead of using this to actually see the totality of what is here that would bring one to act in such “ mazing” ways ( yes, why do we just use the word amazing and not the word “ mazing” When in effect this is what really happens. )
This brings me back to the boy and his parents within whom I am interacting at the moment.
I am dealing with the “mazing” that is the same as what i have done, even though the specifics are perhaps of slightly different measure. But, somehow, there is awareness of this “ mazing” effect, this self sabotage. We are not seeing that, just as with learning to play the violin, we create what we are within, and we are responsible for what we create within, and what we create within becomes our tool of measure in reaction the the world. What each must realize is that every one of us is doing this, were we not, were the balance of each human more on the side of consideration and respect for this world, then our system would be more a system of care for this life, and since it is not, the majority of us, that have jobs and a roof over our heads, are more than likely a mazing of avoidance in being honest and as such, enjoying, really enjoying, being here, interacting with this reality. Instead we are caught up in our own heaven and hell fantasy in and as our minds, we are not being direct and equal to reality, realizing our mis-takes, as only this, as a process of learning to become life, we are hiding, using that which enables us to respond and measure the outside world, and building an inner maze that has forgotten to enjoy what we are in essence doing as beings on earth, which is to learn, to enjoy, becoming functioning beingness with this world.
I find, within this realization, that my back is screaming. Like standing and being clear, will end up causing reactions, but I would want someone to be patient with me if I had become this, I would want that non-reaction as ego if I were in the other’s shoes. I would want the slow and careful patience which was given to me at times in my life that allowed me the space, that even showed me the space to see my own movements, my own measures, to realize them and then add more awareness to my own mazing actions so that I could begin to move with ease, which is to move with humility, humbleness, patience, and self honesty and actually begin to enjoy being here because it is here that I am life.
