165 Becoming obsessive within reaching a goal

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a thought that I must get something done, now, as in feeling that I have not done enough unless I have reached a specific goal within a organized period of time.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I believe that I must complete something within a set period of time, I end up skimming the surface and within this creating ideas and beliefs as a guide within the end product of goal desired and miss what is actually here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in having a goal, I end up following an idea, and lose common sense of what can be done here, as I become obsessed with the goal and believe that I must do more in relation to the singular goal i have set for myself, as I rush wanting this goal to be done before I take on another activity, not seeing realizing and understanding that I can let go what is not necessary to be done in reality in relation to one thing, and remain focused here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I become obsessed with one goal, I limited my ability to be here, lose objectivity in relation to understanding that some things I walk through cannot be immediately “finished “ or completed in one day.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that a goal must be completed immediately, where losing myself within this want and desire I am losing sight of the very rhythm of what is necessary to complete some goals, that take time over a few days or weeks, and within this I obsess over the goal and fall into gloom and doom, imagined, possibilities in constantly thinking about the goal, as I hold a belief that I must think about the goal until it is completed, or I might “miss” something, when in fact it is this obsession that causes a loss of common sense, as I become separate in my obsession, and thus anxious.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow myself to imagine a goal not being completed, as part of my obsessing over the goal in fear i have missed something, where I become the fear i have missed something instead of looking at what is here, walking the steps , where as I walk I discover what needs to be done and thus the answer come with the walking and my obsessing is simply obsessing, and thus an act of separation from what is actually here, and within this I end up getting less done because I end up spending so much time enacting possible scenarios out in and as my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have internal dialogues where I have a thought that “ this might happen”, or “oh no, I didn’t think about this”, of “what if this happens”, and none of these things are actually here, which is to not deny planning, but to look practically in common sense and to not bring in fears from the past, and to realize that theprocess of reaching the goal can change as the outcome is walked towards within the steps necessary to compete the goal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to mull over the choices I have made in relation to the goal and to place all manner of fears as judgements of more than and less than in relation to ideas of what might be lost or gained, placating fears based on what i have been taught is more than and less that within the culture in which I live.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow the back chat as the mind as a collection of moral codes as analysis of what the decisions I make are as a value measured as what i have been taught that has no awareness of what is actually real as this physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that within this I become anxious and end up pacing around waiting for the goal to be completed, not realizing that this restlessness of myself is in separation from what is here, as I am anxious to hurry up and complete what I started, not seeing what I am doing in common sense, where worry and thinking about a decision already made is not going to add any special power of drive to the completion of the goal, and will only turn myself, as a behavior, into a restless personality of anticipation in relation to the completion of the goal, on which within this character I become obsessive and compulsive.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within this I place pressure on myself, just as clouds place pressure in the falling tides through barometric pressure, causing the tides to not move as fluidly, and am I the same as my clouds of obsession cause a pressure within in and as my desire to complete a goal immediately, and I end up causing myself to stagnate and no longer move fully aware of myself in and as breath, as I am off in and as my mind , in worry, and fret and questioning about every decision I have made in relation to a desired outcome.

I commit myself to slowing myself down and letting go of the decision I have made in relation to the step right in front of me as me, and to let this step complete itself before thinking about the step in a future that is not what is here within this breath in this moment.
I commit myself to slowing down and breathing, to stop myself from skimming the surface of what is actually here, as I am possessed and obsessed with completing a goal.
I commit myself to realizing that within obsessing I am separating from myself into and as judgements and allowing fears to imagine myself into a possible scenario that has nothing to do with what is actually here, where breath allows more insight into what is here than any dialogue in and as fear as my mind.
I commit myself to no longer judging the outcomes of a goal not immediately completed, as the mind as myself tends to judge the process within failure, and weigh possible success way before the goal can possibly be completed, causing a lot of unnecessary worry, stress and fear to become what I believe in and as allowing the mind to be all that I am here, in separation from looking at the totality of what is necessary to complete some tasks.

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• Day 164 In worry I begin to rush and lose my breath
• Day 136 Anxiety is separation

Day 82 Being annoyed at my son for smoking pot mother character

Day 82 Being annoyed at my son for smoking pot mother character

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have an inner tantrum  where the voice in my head is criticizing my son for smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be annoyed with my son for  spending time and money on smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to turn this into this emotion of being generally annoyed at my son because he for smoking pot.

I forgive myself for then, seeing everything he does as being annoying.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to slowly build this big energetic presence of annoyance towards my son which will end up in a big “blow out.”

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that all I can do is continue to reveal the effects of pot and slowly get this into his “head” that smoking pot is not in any way solving that which is causing him to want to escape from the world into a zombie state of inaction, and that the solution is to face what he considers a “problem” in and as himself, become responsible and direct himself.

Within myself, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel as though I am failure because I have not managed to stop my son from smoking pot, as pot is ubiquitous within my society, to the point where mothers and fathers I know smoke pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt like a prude because I do not smoke pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that my son is now 19 years old, and must  begin to realize his own actions as “his” actions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry about what will become of my son if he keeps smoking pot.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what I can do, is speak up, and model the walking of myself into and as oneness in equality with what is real, the physical, where he will either take the words I speak, like a seed planted to be used, or he will choose to take the road of consequence, regardless, he will eventually realize himself as life, the play-out is in his hands.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be reactive about my son’s pot smoking, taking this personally as though I am not clear enough, or aggressive enough, when I have tried many tactics, and that perhaps the cumulation of all of this will eventually have an effect, as we are organic robots, and what is placed within us is what we become, unless we stand and become our own directive principle of oneness in equality, which is myself directing myself in and as life, and not as the values so obviously presented and limited within out society through media and family, values of more than and less than, where the color of someone’s skin determines their value, when they are obviously one and the same, especially in a world where it is known that education determines a person’s ability to be successful in this world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be embarrassed that my son is smoking pot, and to claim I do not know where this comes from, as I never enjoyed pot and thus was never inclined to us this, yet in high school it was everywhere, and at the time, I tried to hide the fact that I did not enjoy pot, as it made me unable to socialize because all I wanted to do was stare at the stars, or at a crumb on the sidewalk where the after experience of any kind of revelation remained unknown and I had no idea what was going on socially  , so smoking pot made me unable to participate socially, which is actually what is happening with my son as he is avoiding facing himself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spend time wondering why I did not end up smoking pot, and why my son is smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be annoyed that my son, who has had an education and done well on tests, has had so much education and opportunity, and yet he is smoking pot and - yes- masterbating, which is actually considered the norm these days, thus all I can do is speak up, again and again, and use how children are programmed, through speaking directives that he will either chose to realize or not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that there are times when he has come to me to complain and I just look at him, and he suddenly realizes that he is being an emotion and feeling of infinite design.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pull back in silence , when he becomes short tempered and exhibits anger, which I must learn to face without emotional reactions of frustration in and as myself, as all there is is the principle of oneness in equality, as he is me and I am him.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breath, and see the reactions of anger and rejection, as storms in teacups, as tantrums, where blame and spite will not resolve the separations into and as singular beingness as emotion and feelings based on fear and uncertainty, as my son has admitted that he is very afraid of this world, which is, being common sense because this world is a world of inequality, where life is not the value considered, as what is the actions of men is that of survival, as money determines who lives and who dies, and is used by the few to grab all resources for their own self interested benefit, as they as my son -who is a product of this abusive system- are one and the same, lost in a mind of separation into parts having become walking picture screens of memories, following values as emotions and feelings and thoughts that are inconsiderate of their own oneness and equality in and as life, as what is here, as what is constant and the source of what is is that they are in fact, that which has been used to create an alternate reality in and as mind as this was believed to be an existence of more than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, that worry, annoyance and frustration with my son is not the solution, and that perhaps he is simply showing me my own resistances as what I am accepting and allowing.

I commit myself to no longer seeing resistance as a mountain to walk over.

I commit myself to not allowing and accepting myself to make a mountain out of a tantrum, and to breath and to, within breath, see the problem as simple, and to take responsibility and direct myself within this as the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to letting go of tantrums and to realize that if I allow my emotions and feelings to become big, I am actually making a mountain out of something small.

I commit myself to using breath, to bring myself back to myself as life, and to slow down until I can realize what the emotion, feeling and thought, as a character, based on a belief of more than and or potential loss of this supposed more than, as a memory/experience based on my past as what I have been taught to survive within a system that does not support life, and I realize this separation into and as energy and I stop and I direct myself within what is best for all.

I commit myself to stepping out of myself as the mother character of worrying about the future of her son.

I realize that being worry about the future of my son, as his mother, is non-directive within the principle of what is best for all, and that my son will face difficulties as the present system on earth does not support life, but uses what is here to support a system of inequality, a system of survival, where nothing is truly allowed to be developed and all the resource of this earth is to serve the self interest of a few, where the few with the control are also not developing themselves as life, as they spend all their time pulling the levers behind the curtain of separation between the haves and the have nots.

I commit myself to realizing that how this system currently exists will only cause emotions of frustration if I accept and allow this, as what is here is a system that must be walked through and cleaned up to support all life, where this begins with myself becoming myself as life, in and as the directive principle of oneness in equality, where all that is here is realized to be one and equal to myself, where  all emotional separation- as this is what emotion is - can be directed “back” to itself as life and not become a consequence as the illusion existing as a separation from life as an energetic smoke screen of emotions and feelings that are cultivated by a profit based system of greed to maintain ignorance of self as life from being here, all of which has been created by each and every one of us, and accepted and allowed by each and every one of us.

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Day 48 Personality: the NO-I-SE-e self sound.

Day 48 My Personality: the NO-I-SE-e self sound.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to define myself according to relationships,where the relation to something defines who and what I am, to the point where I feel that losing that relation means the end of my self here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being single which is a belief that I am somehow less than another because I am single, where the word single means, within this culture, that I am “available” and that I am alone as though I am not my self unless I have a relation to another person, as in being in a relationship.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to allow relationships to be an indicator of what I am, instead of realizing that it is how I direct my self in every moment that determines my self here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to cling to relationships in fear that something could be lost, when it is the being of my self here, as how I am within what I do, as in the being of my self here that signifies my self as an expression of life, as this is what I am, and that I am life and all that is here is life requires no relationship as I am here, thus it is the very being here as my self that is, no relationships needed as defining who and what and how I am, so the expression of my self here varies and is determined by the environment, where this earth is the environment, and thus how this earth is organized determines the expression of me as what I am, which is life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my furniture to define who and what I am, where should I lose my furniture/house,  something of my self would be lost, yet this furniture/house cannot define, be what is the value, as the value of my self is life, where if I possess - meaning own- and defend what furniture I have I become a defender of furniture, as possessor of furniture/house as the expression of my self, where all that I allow my self to exist as is the defense of possessions.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that this being of my self as possessive of things separate from me to define me is in fact myself not being here and living, and within this to realize that the present system on earth is a reflection of what I as within have accepted and allowed, where I am caught in a trap as what i have allowed within, to exist in a system where I require an education to get money and cloak my self in certain objects in order to maintain a place within a hierarchy in order to survive, and were I to be born in a country of great resource, where the resource was desired by those only considering their own survival to the point where the resource was possessed through signature and the people who lived on this land were then swept away and denied support, I would be living this existence of being ignored and pushed away as the earth beneath my feet was possessed by the possessed who only saw their nature as possession as a belief in a need of something to survive and define as relationship, where the real relationship was with self as life, where self as life realized that all that was here was life, meant to support self as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that expression cannot exist between two people when the directive is to create a relationship as self creation definition according to survival within a system that demands being in possession of the projecting of oneself in terms of a limited outlined structure within a game of survival, within this to realize that the being of self within this limited form/structure possesses self to the point where this is what is the director and the thing chased, instead of the self realizing self as life, being supported by the physical to express self as life, which is why disease exists and why disease has not been removed from this earth, as the limited form of profit is the reflection of self abdication as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize and understand that the design of my survival suit, a collection of believed needed relationships as self definition, are the grid that I follow and adhere to, am possessed by, and am diminished by, as this grid I have created within is what I chase and consume to be and project my survival suit, one and the same, and in totality, this is accepted and allowed relationships that I exist as that burn up and consume my human physical body into an aged burning grid of projection separate from the equality of my self as life to life, which I have denied in fear of loss and desire of gain to live, as I do not understand, as I was not taught/did not accept life, myself as, life one and equal to the substance as what I am that is life.

I commit my self to realizing all relationships as possessions of how and what I define my self as why I am the projection of my self  to survive, to forgive such relationship possessions as the projection of my self, to equalize my to to this human physical body, and earth myself.

I commit my self to realize that to attempt to have a relationship with another person who defines themselves through accepted and allowed definitions as relationships will only lead to conflict and friction, blame and excuse, justification and hiding, clinging and self denial as life, fear of loss and competition for gain, where the gain is the maintenance of personality, personality being a collection of relationships as values separated into a hierarchy, as the present system on earth, as a point of what is believed to be needed to survive.

I commit myself to revealing how personality is a collection of stories depicting more than and less than as a prop/as a grid/ as a survival suit/ as idol possession  manifest as projection in separation from life and self as life, divided and conquered into personas/personalities separate from what self is equal and one to and as, which is life, here, where the physical is the tool to exist one and equal to and as, to be an expression of life, here, to allow eternal life.

I commit my self to stopping the infinite design as possession of persona as mind consciousness system, the limited insight trap that never satisfies as self is not lived existing within polarities where, as is infinite design, the self moves within projections as possessions from negative, to neutral, to positive, eventually existing as only the positive conscious thought projection, where the layers of compounded energetic possessions consume self, as this is what self has accepted and allowed in separation from oneness in equality as self as life, that which is sought that is right here under the emperor’s clothes that is the persona the self follows that is the pied piper, heard in the back chat of the mind, leading oneself to a death - visible through the bent and crooked posture of the aged man as the burden of the self created grid as persona destroys the human physical body - absent of eternal life.

I commit myself to realizing that the rigidness of my human physical body is the constriction of my self as life, where my human physical body is revealing to me the personality I have accepted and allowed in separation from my self as life, where I have separated into energy and relinquished the sound of my self as life.

Day 31 Embrace

Day 31 Embrace self

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire to be held

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire to have someone hold me, just hold me and accept me for what I am.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that it is I that must hold my self and accept my self for what I am

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need someone outside of my self to hold me and accept me for what I am.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not hold me as my self accepting my self for what I am for what I have accepted and allowed and that it is only me who must hold me and accept me for what I am as life, as an expression in and as life, as this is my self allowing and accepting my self to embrace my self as life here, as I am life here.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to embrace me as life here, all that I have defined my self as and thus to forgive this as this is what I am and not what I am as what I am is equal and one to all that is here on this earth as this is me and this is not me as I am life here of substance able to express as all that is here in and as breath here where I am all and I am nothing, I am not fixed as some label, I am not a separation from life I am life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the only way to embrace my self is with another, to have a picture of being with another in order to be embraced, where I am in every moment embraced by life here as I am life, I am in the embrace of and as life here as I am this, thus in embracing my self I am embraced and embracing my self, where I become one and equal as my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am separate from life, when I am life, and it is only a limited mind of reflection of what i believe I am not that is what I have allowed my self to be that is the separation, that is my self in feriority of my self as life, where I wait for validation, where I wait for a sign, where I wait for the embrace of life as being something separate from me, when this embrace as life is right here as I am this, I am life here, this embrace here has always been here, I have not looked, I have not seen, I have not heard, I have not felt my self as life here, embraced my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have abdicated my self for some limited idea of what I am.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have abdicated the very life all around me, as the birds, as the grass, as the trees and the expression of life in people, in nature, in substance as I sought an embrace of limited design where I believed I needed a feeling and emotion, a fix, and energetic wisp of  a surge to be what made me feel alive , where this never satisfied, this never brought any sense of self being embraced, where I believed there was something wrong with my self in my application of communicating when In fact it was the act of looking for embrace without and attaching a feeling and emotion to this embrace that was what separated my self from finding/being/sensing an embrace of my self as life, where nothing outside of my self can validate my self as life as the way to embrace life is to embrace my self as life, so that the substance of myself as life can then embrace life as my self embracing my self as life, as though my self as life is the way and the means to connect to life that is here as all are life as what is here is life, one and equal.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize I have become so separated from my self as life that I will have to walk through all that I sought as self validation and bring my self back to self honesty as self as life in order - deconstructing the disordering of my self into and as dishONEsty as my self as life, where I forgive my self for not accepting and allowing my self as life to embrace my self as life here, where in common sense no teacher/parent/god would have this any other way, as the gift of life is what one is as life, given unconditionally to be and become an expression in and as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see/realize/understand that I am life, it is OK to EMBRACE my self as life, there is no shame, no guilt, no harm, no dishonor in accepting and allowing my self to EMBRACE my self as life as I AM LIFE or I would not BE HERE.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the EMBRACE of my self as life is conditional.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear embracing my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to connect fear to embracing my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to wait, to feel that there is something out there somewhere in some fuzzy logic belief that I am supposed to wait to embrace myself as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that embracing my self as life is contingent on entering some heavenly domain where a supposed “god” will give me the OK to allow my self to embrace my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must hear the words, “ embrace yourself as life, my child.”

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the embrace of my self as life involves energetic love.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self  feel that embracing my self as life would be a selfish act, where ironically this would be SELF ISH as in self expressing the “ish-ness” of self as life!

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be ashamed that I have not accepted and allowed the very gift of life given, my self as my self is life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to mys elf to miss the elf, the elf as life as “self” as my elf as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I cannot give what I am not, if I am not embracing my self as life I cannot give myself as life and thus can I receive no embrace from and as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that rejection is of my own doing as I have not embraced my self as life here.

I commit my self to embracing my self as life here.

I commit my self to breathing, and with every in-breath to sense my self here as life, to sense life as all as one as equal, to within this realize that what i am with each in-breath is my self, where I face all that I have allowed as self in joy, in the realization that this is me, this is life, this is sound, this is of the depth of the expression of and as life, here.

I commit my self to enjoy this self as life, and to make my in breath equal and one to my out breath, where the breath of this equal and one breath is what all have on this earth, to walk what will allow all the embrace themselves as life, with all that is required.

I commit my self to accepting and allowing my self to breath, to embrace my self as life in and as breath here.

I commit my self  to realizing that self embrace is the embrace of life.

I realize that until I embrace my self as life unconditionally I am not as this earth, that which gives unconditionally.

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